Nothing will change until I change-out of energy all the way around. But here she sits and is all giggly and in a good mood and going about her business. I loathe this woman and who I've become from being around her for just a year.
Realyreal, thank you for understanding. I'm surprised at myself sometimes for not going that route. If I tied one on, these days-the hangover would probably kill me ha!
Lord, I can see how some people are driven to drink! Good thing I didn’t turn to booze to escape. Because I would be a full fledged drunk if I had started drinking to escape. Hahaha
No I didn't get the impression that you drink a lot. I got the impression that your mom could drive a teetotaler to the bottle. No judgment from me, it is not my place. I am just seeing you being crushed by her crazy treatment of you and honestly, who would blame you.
So I apologize if you felt judged. That is never my intention.
I hope that your plan of action works out for you.
Yes, I guess it can do that to certain degree. I don't have kids and my big kid/mom has always been needy or whatever. I agree don't want to end up like it. Take care! thanks for the encouraging thoughts!
Hang in there. Life can be miserable sometimes. It’s certainly challenging to care for a parent. Our parents had a tough job parenting us, as all parents do but I found it was much harder caring for a parent than raising my children.
Children grow to be independent adults. Parents go back to their baby years, seriously some are as helpless as tiny babies. The thought of ending up like that actually terrifies me.
Cozy PJ’s is a lovely birthday gift for your mom.
I never thought of you as drinking a lot. I wouldn’t judge anyone for anything. People cope in different ways. They work it out eventually. Being a caregiver can cause temporary insanity at times!
Taking it one day at the time. Today is her birthday. 81. Got her some nice pajama's and she liked them. I'm sorry about your brother, too. I think someone on here got the impression that I drink a lot. I don't and never have, now I did when I was younger but gave those things up and cigs too about 10 yrs ago. One doesn't go too well without the other. I hadn't even planned on quitting smoking but that is another story. Anyway, I might have the occasional glass of wine but it's been awhile. So, not sure why Mom accused me of going out and drinking if she moves out. As for Mom going to counseling or group counseling-she has never been open to that. I have asked her to go with me but oh no-so, I am going to keep going, It is a matter of time before she will start blaming that on how I treat her. oy veh. She is being quiet and secretive. I'm not going to force the subject of her moving out anymore, in fact. I'm going to let it go completely. It is the holidays and I want to enjoy them. Having to battle with her about me 'kicking her out' is something I can't deal with. So, I'm calling it off. I feel sorry for her. Pain in the azz that she is but I can't keep up the fight anymore. I'm going to be taking care of me for a change whether she is here or not.
Oh, RBuser, do NOT waver! She's taking her last shots to make you even more miserable. Better to have a couple weeks of hell than to cave and have YEARS of hell.
Can you get away at all, even for a few hours? Your sister who yelled at you, can she come in and stay for a few days? If anyone says anything to the affect you're kicking her out or abandoning her, tell them "She can move in with you. I'm sure you'll stand by her." Then see how fast they backpedal.
We're here for you, and hope you can find some rest in these few weeks. Peace is coming. *hugs*
How are you, RBuser? I’m so sorry about your brother. I lost a brother too. Not suicide, he led a rough life and it caught up to him. He died with hepatitisC.
This situation is so messed up not sure about a peaceful future but haven't given up hope for it. I see some changes coming in the future though, because I'm going to be making some. From within. Thankful for this forum.
She could be manipulative. Her actions are manipulative, for sure. That’s certainly true. I am just wondering though if she never dealt with the grief in a healthy way.
Unresolved grief can rear it’s head in very ugly ways. Still, no matter what the OP should not have to pay the price for it. Very sad situation all the way around.
NHWM, sorry, I disagree, grief does not cause someone to use the threat of suicide to get their own way. Nope, it is pure hatefulness, grieving the loss of a child would not cause a loving mother to threaten or imply that action to someone that suffered the loss as well. Nope.
Your brother’s suicide may be the missing piece to this puzzle. She could have unresolved grief. That’s a tough one and sheds new light on the subject. People handle grief in different ways.
Sometimes feelings are expressed with fear and anger. Sometimes people even block out things. It’s more complicated than it appears to be.
I can tell you that if she is suffering from PTSD, it’s a struggle. It’s no longer a memory. It’s an actual reliving and very painful. If others around them do not understand these circumstances, the situation will only become worse. There will be friction in her relationships.
Some grieve for a lifetime. Others work through stages and are able to move on. Has your mom had access to any therapy? Might help tremendously, for both of you.
I empathize with you. I am not excusing any manipulative behavior. I know that whatever the circumstances it’s very tough on you. I get that and you have a breaking point. Seems like you are almost at your breaking point. Something has to give. You can’t go on like this. Maybe your mom is at her breaking point too. Maybe you are just like oil and water right now. I’m so sorry.
I used to work with a woman whose son committed suicide and she grieved for a long time.
Then one day she told me that she was going to work with the suicide prevention and grief group. You should see the positive change in her and how she helps others who have been through the same situation.
I’m extremely impressed with her actions. She speaks at seminars about healing after suicide in the family. She volunteers with the suicide hotline. She’s amazing!
I have to say that I have a zero tolerance when people use suicide as a manipulation tactic. Get it done or shut up. It is hateful to do that. And you are right, it is selfish.
Honestly does it matter if people think that you are kicking her out? I can't imagine that anyone would really believe that, it's been how many weeks that you are kicking her out?
I guess I am not concerned what others believe. If you are going to hear one side of the story and come to a conclusion, then you won't listen to the truth and what difference does it make what you think? Now you could always make her lies true by setting all of her stuff outside the front door and changing the locks. That is what kicking someone out looks like. Sounds good doesn't it? She deserves that, but I know you wouldn't do that.
Stop fretting about what her friends think. She needs to go and you need to get back some of your life, not the drinking part, doesn't solve anything.
If she does kill herself, you didn't do anything to cause that. That is a thing that a person does by all their own free will, no one is responsible for that action but themselves. It is a selfish, self centered thing to do and it doesn't solve anything. But for me, I won't ever trust or be close to anyone that uses that threat to get their own way, something is far wrong with anyone that would say that and I can't be subjected to it. I don't think anyone should.
You’re burning out fast. I hate to see the misery that you are experiencing. It’s going to make you physically ill. I realize that nothing I say can change how you feel. I wish I could. All I can say is that I totally empathize with you.
You sound as if you feel totally hopeless. I feel your anxiety and depression in your words. You truly sound like you are at the end of your rope. Hang on...things will get better one day.
One way or another you will get through this. I hope for your sake it’s soon. In the meantime I would try to keep my distance as much as you can.
Is there anything that you can do to distract yourself. No one minds you venting here. If you can find something to bring some peace in your life for awhile, even temporarily it may help.
Cont. saga. Mom started to really ramp up things. Tonight she said something that haven't heard before. I said you are going to have to move and she started b*tching and saying I can't make her, etc etc and then says I'll be dead if I'm not staying here (my house) I said what does that mean? Knowing she was trying to push a button. Then proceeds to heat food up and do I want some of it? This is kind of all in the same conversation?? Then while heating food goes to her bedroom then comes back out. Says-no hard feelings, laughs it off. Then gives me the silent treatment the rest of the night. I can see that tomorrow she might attempt to move some of her belongings to the house just to test me some more by over reacting. Any one who know our living arrangement knows she will be moving to her beloved low income apartment in a few months. She tried to tell me tonight that I said she could stay with me until it's available. Well she has somewhere else to go while she's waiting for that apartment and I'm not kicking her out in the cold. She just does not want to leave me. Now she said I want her out so I can go out drinking!! I don't drink anymore, I mean I would-haha-probably should. But not while I'm under observation and she forgets (no) that I'm an adult. I know how to get a cab for heaven's sake. Why does she cling to me so. I was hoping she might be glad to get back on her own. If I am talking to her that bad why does she make excuses to stay? Again, I'm still counting down. Oh and the hurt foot seems to only hurt at certain times and she doesn't remember how it happened? this is a vent number -I lost count. sorry. Just as a side note. My brother said the same thing to her in a phone call last month and she called the nurses to make sure he was ok. That is his baseline. As another note-I did lose a brother to suicide years ago. Her saying that was just how selfish she is to say that.
Lexi, just keep doing the best you can. I know it sounds empty but I know you can do what you need to do and take care of yourself. ITRR, the thing is she is going to be moving into brother's house but keeps waffling about not being able to heat it. And this is WHILE she is waiting for her subsidized apartment. That apartment won't be ready until sometime in Feb or even March next year!! If it sounds confusing-welcome to a glimpse of my world. Most of my life. things will probably blow up on or before December 1. She has a few people believing that I am kicking her out, but these are the same people she has been complaining about how I treat her. You know the bad (and only daughter/adult child). So, she's been talking about how this is hell she's living in and so on and now she has a chance to go but keeps wanting me to want her to stay.
I feel your pain. Truly I do. I have been there. It nearly killed me. You will always get blamed for everything. It doesn’t sound like your mom is interested in compromising with you. The arguments become so draining and stressful.
There will always be something that your mom will gripe about. You are always going to be miserable cohabitating with her.
Please find a way to end living together. You know that it’s not working out. Trust me, it will only get worse. You deserve to have your life back.
Loosing it isn’t pretty. I’ve been there too. Here for you if you need to chat further. Take care. Hugs!
Lexi, I’m sorry you have this misery too. It’s hard.
Omg!!! You're going through the same thing I am. My sisters don't help no one gives me any monetary assistance, I even have to pay for my own food! They both have mediocre jobs, but I gave up making double what they make because their decision was putting mom in a home so they wouldn't have to disrupt their lives. I feel guilty for wanting my life back and everyone tells me I should appreciate the time with my mom. I resent my sisters and I feel used. How long until I lose it because I'm all used up?!
I think that intent dislike is an accurate description of how you are feeling. She has used and abused you, manipulated and guilted like a true pro. Anyone would be feeling so over it all already.
Don't cave, don't waiver, oh my, if you do it will get so much worse.
Can you change the locks as of December 1st? She can't live with you and keep her subsidized apartment.
I think that she is getting off on tormenting you and you should disengage because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would not do anything that makes her comfortable, no cooking, no cleaning, co conversations, nada!
NHWM, she has hurt her foot. And also tonight threw another fit with me and how awful I'm treating her. The more she feels threatened the worse she gets. I am ready to waiver. At this point I'm taking it one day at the time. And try to remember not to feed into the craziness. thanks for responding.
Just make sure that you do not waiver in your decision. It doesn’t sound like you will. It is obvious that you are completely miserable.
Do not allow any manipulation. Do not feel guilty. Do not negotiate if you already have set a plan in place.
This isn’t good for you or your mom if you are this uncomfortable. It’s hard to be a caregiver even in the best of circumstances, so you already know when there is too much friction that it is near impossible!
Update : I am still fighting to keep my sanity. Still counting the days. She is really working me. She goes to 'the house' and stays during the day and comes home in the evening with her negative vibe. I don't know what is going to happen to me, all I know is I have to stick to my decision. But boy am I paying for it. just venting.
No squirming allowed! Try not to bring up the subject, but when she does, ITS NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION AND A DONE DEAL, PERIOD. I know if I give my mother 1/10th of an inch, or, if she THINKS she has ANY room to negotiate, it's all over. Glad you can now count the DAYS until you get your home back to yourself!
please read comment to Lealonnie1. Loathe may have been a slightly exaggerated expression. Bitter fits more the situation. I will still need to see to some of her needs as I'm not completely abandoning her. My main thing is to get her moving along so I can gain some peace back.
December 1st. She is trying to squirm out of it, though and I'm trying to hold back from having an all out blow out. Says I can't make her go, etc. Every other day she goes up to 'fix up' the house and comes back and lords it over me in her special way. Biding my time. I don't agree with most of what she says she is doing, but am not responding to her leading into an argument comments. She pushes all the buttons. If I can just hang on a few more weeks. I'm lucky to have a place where I can vent when needed.
take a 5 minute walk. play music, put ona movie and watch it. funny ones.
nothing tooo serious.
Lord, I can see how some people are driven to drink! Good thing I didn’t turn to booze to escape. Because I would be a full fledged drunk if I had started drinking to escape. Hahaha
So I apologize if you felt judged. That is never my intention.
I hope that your plan of action works out for you.
Take care! thanks for the encouraging thoughts!
Hang in there. Life can be miserable sometimes. It’s certainly challenging to care for a parent. Our parents had a tough job parenting us, as all parents do but I found it was much harder caring for a parent than raising my children.
Children grow to be independent adults. Parents go back to their baby years, seriously some are as helpless as tiny babies. The thought of ending up like that actually terrifies me.
Cozy PJ’s is a lovely birthday gift for your mom.
I never thought of you as drinking a lot. I wouldn’t judge anyone for anything. People cope in different ways. They work it out eventually. Being a caregiver can cause temporary insanity at times!
Take care.
I'm sorry about your brother, too.
I think someone on here got the impression that I drink a lot. I don't and never have, now I did when I was younger but gave those things up and cigs too about 10 yrs ago. One doesn't go too well without the other. I hadn't even planned on quitting smoking but that is another story.
Anyway, I might have the occasional glass of wine but it's been awhile.
So, not sure why Mom accused me of going out and drinking if she moves out.
As for Mom going to counseling or group counseling-she has never been open to that. I have asked her to go with me but oh no-so, I am going to keep going, It is a matter of time before she will start blaming that on how I treat her. oy veh.
She is being quiet and secretive.
I'm not going to force the subject of her moving out anymore, in fact. I'm going to let it go completely. It is the holidays and I want to enjoy them. Having to battle with her about me 'kicking her out' is something I can't deal with.
So, I'm calling it off.
I feel sorry for her. Pain in the azz that she is but I can't keep up the fight anymore. I'm going to be taking care of me for a change whether she is here or not.
Can you get away at all, even for a few hours? Your sister who yelled at you, can she come in and stay for a few days? If anyone says anything to the affect you're kicking her out or abandoning her, tell them "She can move in with you. I'm sure you'll stand by her." Then see how fast they backpedal.
We're here for you, and hope you can find some rest in these few weeks. Peace is coming. *hugs*
I see some changes coming in the future though, because I'm going to be making some. From within.
Thankful for this forum.
She could be manipulative. Her actions are manipulative, for sure. That’s certainly true. I am just wondering though if she never dealt with the grief in a healthy way.
Unresolved grief can rear it’s head in very ugly ways. Still, no matter what the OP should not have to pay the price for it. Very sad situation all the way around.
I hope the OP can have a peaceful future.
Sometimes feelings are expressed with fear and anger. Sometimes people even block out things. It’s more complicated than it appears to be.
I can tell you that if she is suffering from PTSD, it’s a struggle. It’s no longer a memory. It’s an actual reliving and very painful. If others around them do not understand these circumstances, the situation will only become worse. There will be friction in her relationships.
Some grieve for a lifetime. Others work through stages and are able to move on. Has your mom had access to any therapy? Might help tremendously, for both of you.
I empathize with you. I am not excusing any manipulative behavior. I know that whatever the circumstances it’s very tough on you. I get that and you have a breaking point. Seems like you are almost at your breaking point. Something has to give. You can’t go on like this. Maybe your mom is at her breaking point too. Maybe you are just like oil and water right now. I’m so sorry.
I used to work with a woman whose son committed suicide and she grieved for a long time.
Then one day she told me that she was going to work with the suicide prevention and grief group. You should see the positive change in her and how she helps others who have been through the same situation.
I’m extremely impressed with her actions. She speaks at seminars about healing after suicide in the family. She volunteers with the suicide hotline. She’s amazing!
I truly hope your family finds peace. Hugs.
Honestly does it matter if people think that you are kicking her out? I can't imagine that anyone would really believe that, it's been how many weeks that you are kicking her out?
I guess I am not concerned what others believe. If you are going to hear one side of the story and come to a conclusion, then you won't listen to the truth and what difference does it make what you think? Now you could always make her lies true by setting all of her stuff outside the front door and changing the locks. That is what kicking someone out looks like. Sounds good doesn't it? She deserves that, but I know you wouldn't do that.
Stop fretting about what her friends think. She needs to go and you need to get back some of your life, not the drinking part, doesn't solve anything.
If she does kill herself, you didn't do anything to cause that. That is a thing that a person does by all their own free will, no one is responsible for that action but themselves. It is a selfish, self centered thing to do and it doesn't solve anything. But for me, I won't ever trust or be close to anyone that uses that threat to get their own way, something is far wrong with anyone that would say that and I can't be subjected to it. I don't think anyone should.
You’re burning out fast. I hate to see the misery that you are experiencing. It’s going to make you physically ill. I realize that nothing I say can change how you feel. I wish I could. All I can say is that I totally empathize with you.
You sound as if you feel totally hopeless. I feel your anxiety and depression in your words. You truly sound like you are at the end of your rope. Hang on...things will get better one day.
One way or another you will get through this. I hope for your sake it’s soon. In the meantime I would try to keep my distance as much as you can.
Is there anything that you can do to distract yourself. No one minds you venting here. If you can find something to bring some peace in your life for awhile, even temporarily it may help.
Take care and lots and lots of hugs for you.
Mom started to really ramp up things. Tonight she said something that haven't heard before. I said you are going to have to move and she started b*tching and saying I can't make her, etc etc and then says I'll be dead if I'm not staying here (my house) I said what does that mean? Knowing she was trying to push a button. Then proceeds to heat food up and do I want some of it? This is kind of all in the same conversation?? Then while heating food goes to her bedroom then comes back out. Says-no hard feelings, laughs it off. Then gives me the silent treatment the rest of the night. I can see that tomorrow she might attempt to move some of her belongings to the house just to test me some more by over reacting.
Any one who know our living arrangement knows she will be moving to her beloved low income apartment in a few months. She tried to tell me tonight that I said she could stay with me until it's available.
Well she has somewhere else to go while she's waiting for that apartment and I'm not kicking her out in the cold. She just does not want to leave me.
Now she said I want her out so I can go out drinking!! I don't drink anymore, I mean I would-haha-probably should. But not while I'm under observation and she forgets (no) that I'm an adult. I know how to get a cab for heaven's sake.
Why does she cling to me so.
I was hoping she might be glad to get back on her own. If I am talking to her that bad why does she make excuses to stay?
Again, I'm still counting down. Oh and the hurt foot seems to only hurt at certain times and she doesn't remember how it happened? this is a vent number -I lost count. sorry.
Just as a side note. My brother said the same thing to her in a phone call last month and she called the nurses to make sure he was ok. That is his baseline.
As another note-I did lose a brother to suicide years ago. Her saying that was just how selfish she is to say that.
ITRR, the thing is she is going to be moving into brother's house but keeps waffling about not being able to heat it. And this is WHILE she is waiting for her subsidized apartment. That apartment won't be ready until sometime in Feb or even March next year!!
If it sounds confusing-welcome to a glimpse of my world. Most of my life.
things will probably blow up on or before December 1. She has a few people believing that I am kicking her out, but these are the same people she has been complaining about how I treat her. You know the bad (and only daughter/adult child).
So, she's been talking about how this is hell she's living in and so on and now she has a chance to go but keeps wanting me to want her to stay.
There will always be something that your mom will gripe about. You are always going to be miserable cohabitating with her.
Please find a way to end living together. You know that it’s not working out. Trust me, it will only get worse. You deserve to have your life back.
Loosing it isn’t pretty. I’ve been there too. Here for you if you need to chat further. Take care. Hugs!
Lexi, I’m sorry you have this misery too. It’s hard.
Don't cave, don't waiver, oh my, if you do it will get so much worse.
Can you change the locks as of December 1st? She can't live with you and keep her subsidized apartment.
I think that she is getting off on tormenting you and you should disengage because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would not do anything that makes her comfortable, no cooking, no cleaning, co conversations, nada!
Hugs! You can do this!
thanks for responding.
Do not allow any manipulation. Do not feel guilty. Do not negotiate if you already have set a plan in place.
This isn’t good for you or your mom if you are this uncomfortable. It’s hard to be a caregiver even in the best of circumstances, so you already know when there is too much friction that it is near impossible!
Best wishes to you and your mother.
just venting.
I will still need to see to some of her needs as I'm not completely abandoning her. My main thing is to get her moving along so I can gain some peace back.
I don't agree with most of what she says she is doing, but am not responding to her leading into an argument comments. She pushes all the buttons. If I can just hang on a few more weeks. I'm lucky to have a place where I can vent when needed.