The power of the mind!
Some of you will recall the struggles I've had since I moved my elderly stepmom and biological father nearer to me and out of their disintegrating life in another state. I've complained here that I have now become their slave girl, and I get called over the most ridiculous, minor requests. "Do you know where I put my glasses?" and "Is it safe to use bar soap in the shower or will it ruin the tile?" and "Honey, do you know where we could get a loaf of bread?" level stuff. Just weird and dumb. Their problems are physical, not mental (so much) so far.
My stepmom, an angel and my favorite of all four of my "parents", cannot walk 2' without a walker, and even still falls over daily. My father cannot lift his foot up one 4" step without feeling dizzy and preparing to faint. Hmmm....this is why they need so much help for every little thing, and I jump to it.
Today, my "real" mom and my stepdad took my "real" dad and stepmom out for the day on an adventure. They didn't know their physical limitations, and I didn't say anything.
Well, lo and behold! My stepmom "walked all around the yard and then we took a little stroll around part of the lake". What?!?! And my "always-dizzy, I can't move, I hurt so bad" biological dad helped my stepdad CARRY something relatively heavy. WTH?!?!?!
I am CERTAIN that when they sit home, waiting for me to come serve them hand and foot, they can whine and get my attention, my time and my energy. Somehow, that pleases them. But when they want to prove to their peers that they're a lot better off than they are when they're around me, well, well, well.
I'm removing myself from the slave role effective today, but it is a REMARKABLE testament to the power of the mind/ego. I learned a big lesson and I will use it on my own mind when I get older.
I know that you care deeply for your sweet stepmom and I can appreciate that.
I think that you are too involved in your dad and her life. I am curious. Do you have any outside help? Have you contacted Council on Aging?
Refresh my memory please. Does your stepmom have any other children or relatives to help you?
Your parents don’t sound like they are ‘with it’ mentally. They do seem to have difficulty with their daily routines.
Wouldn’t they benefit from being in a nice assisted living facility? Have you reached out to a social worker to help plan for their future? They are not getting better. They are aging and declining.
I wish that I could feel more positive in your case but I don’t.
Best wishes to you.
I figured it was something silly, so I let it go to vm. When I called back, promising BofA that we will be changing banks IMMEDIATELY (churls!) she said, "Now what did I want to tell you? Oh yes! I found my social security card!" I didn't say, "Yes, you did. In your wallet and there's a copy in your file cabinet under "Social Security Cards", because I'm the one who helped you type out that header and get the photocopy in the first place." Maybe she DOES have some mental slippage. Three times. Within an hour. And no one asked her if she had her ss card. And I don't think she should carry it around and keep it so evident in her file cabinet with all the unknown contractors and helpers we've got running around. Tsk, tsk. Did I mention THREE times?
I was so frustrated with her and the bank that I burst into tears! I went outside to stomp down and back up my street. I was only a half block away when I realized, with chagrin, that I did this to myself by bringing them to Illinois.
Grrrr.
The physical and occupational therapists push but never exceed the capabilities of the patient. Use it or lose it is their motto.
If you hire a caregiver or if they qualify for help from Council on Aging you should ask them to take your mom and dad for short walks.
They would benefit emotionally and physically from exercise. Exercise releases endorphins that fight depression too.
I do remember also, however, that you described their living conditions as a HOVEL complete to neglected dog. As with hoarders, often enough when the help backs away, the behavior quickly returns.
I am wishing you luck and loved your update and observations.
You referred to your stepmom as an angel so unless you were being sarcastic you must have some affection towards her. So continue to help here within reason but maybe let her know that you are also on to her charade.