The Holidays After Losing a Loved One


I just wanted to say to all that have recently lost a loved one, or has someone that is very ill, that I know it is hard, but know that it does seem to get better - very slowly - but it does. My mom passed away on November 2nd, and I still cry every day, but some days are a little better. A hug from me to you; hang in there! Allow yourself your pain and grief, it is cathartic.

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I am so sorry for you people who have lost a loved one, either someone you were caregiving for, or your child. Every time I read a post like yours, it reminds me to be more patient with my father. That he won't be with us forever, or even for much longer perhaps. We can always ask ourselves ....what more could I have done? But that is futile. I believe that at any point in time, during our caregiving journey, we are doing the best we can. That is all we can do---the best we can. And that is a lot!

nmm175, I lost my son over 30 years ago and I never have gotten over it. Losing him changed me. Eventually (it took a long time) I found a new normal for my life. I still miss him and wonder what life would have been like with him. If I could talk to myself in the early stages of grief I would say: Scream when you need to. Let it out. Holding your grief, anger, helplessness, disappointment, saddness in is not good and can result in some real health issue for you. Pound a pillow, stomp the floor. Any physical exertion can help the feelings. Get plenty of rest. Be good to yourself because you have experienced a real trama and need TLC. Do whatever relaxes you. Be around people who understand. Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents of the USA are two support groups where you can find the support you need. Take care and as you said "It takes as long as it takes."

I lost my son Dec 3, 2010. He was a lost soul for so many years. He just couldn't seem to get his life on track. He was a kind and loving person and a loving father. I had not been alot of help to him when it came to talking to him and trying to talk through his problems. I just could only feel my pain for his life. He had a second chance and did not take advantage of it. He left suddenly and i can never talk to him or try to help him. I did things like rent him a home and help out with his girls. I just did not talk to him that much. He had let me down so many times, that i was afraid to get too close. Now he is gone and i know everyone thinks i should feel relief, but he was my son and we kind of gave up on him. We were there, but we weren't. Words do not help really, but having someone to listen does. I have moments when i wish i could just scream. People think i should just be okay by now. I do not know how long it takes to mend a heart. But it takes as long as it takes. Be strong out there and be good to yourself. I also took care of my father who had memory loss. He died from lung cancer and i never felt like i did enough.

GOD Bless you Calla & Mia for your compassion.
You were blessed with good mothers and I am so happy for you.
Mine is currently in hosp again....can't tell anymore when she is or isn't crying wolf.....tears me apart, but we press on.

CallaLIlly: what a nice thing to do, wishing everyone a happy holiday! It shows how kind and caring you are! I am one of those who lost their loved one this year, my mother passed on my birthday this year, but I consider it her last 'gift' to me. I asked for her pain to be over, and it was.

I know that for every time I question whether I did 'enough', I know there were many other times when I did more than others. I am wiser having cared for my mother,and know that her last lesson for me was to teach me how to be a kinder person, to MYSELF! To realize that I have limits and even though she is gone, she will continue to 'teach me'.

I have the 'angel' that was given to us by the funeral home, and it watches over me every day. At first I was unsure if I wanted it to be out, but now it comforts me.

I know the sadness you feel, but I also know that looking back and doubting what we did or 'could have done' won't help you move forward. Allow yourself the comfort of knowing that the 'mistakes' you feel you made will help you be a better person to someone else in the future! That will honour your mothers' life.

We can all learn from our mistakes, without continuing to blame ourselves for what 'could have been'. Be strong, and know that we ALL have made mistakes, that is how we learn.

God Bless you, and help you find comfort in your friends here, who understand what you are going through.

Happy Holidays!

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