The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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Stacey - Marie Kondo would be proud! Forget what your house “could” have sold for last year (wouldda couldda sholdda) and stay focused on what’s ahead. Such an exciting - and unnerving! - time for you & hubby. You two have deserved to get what you want for a long, long time. And now it IS time. Yaaayyyy! Keep us in the loop. 😃

HI Everyone, it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep, so I though I'd write a quick update! I have been reading along and trying to keep up with you all, and I wanted to let you know that I am really feeling for all of you who are still struggling, caring for your elderly parents and sometimes not necessarily dealing with good health yourselves while doing so, I know it can be so difficult at times!

It's been a year now since my FIL passed away, I can't believe how fast the year has flown by! We have finally listed our home for sale after thinking about doing so for 2 plus years now, it officially goes on the market this next Thursday! It is both exciting, sad and terrifying at the same time!

We have been in this (our second home purchase in our married life) house for 23 years, and are furiously getting it ready for the photographer to come in and take pictures for the online advertising and brochures, so cleaning and beautifying everything, so that it shows in the best possible light.

I guess hubby and I both work best under pressure, as we've cleared out closets and cupboards, made 2 full truck loads to the Goodwill, 2 trips to the dump, 2 truck loads of beauty bark, shampooed all 3 bedroom carpets, washed all the windows inside and out, made up the 2 bedrooms to look nice and cozy, All in the last 3 days, and we are pooped out! There is still much more cleaning (and clearing) to go, but the photographer doesn't come until Wednesday, so hopefully will get it all done in time!

The homes are still selling pretty quickly in our area, so fingers crossed that ours will as well, though I wish that we had pushed ourselves to sell last June or July as my husband had wanted, but it was me who was stalling, I just couldn't make up my mind, and I was not feeling well with that nagging gut pain problem, and still feeling a bit depressed, so I couldn't pull the trigger. Thank God My husband is a patient guy, and he allowed me to come to the decision in my own way, he has been as good as gold, and is such a hard worker! Housing prices have dropped off about 10 thousand dollars accross the board in the last 2 months, so it time to moving in this somewhat unstable (but still a sellars market) housing market!

We intend on selling up, cashing out and will live with our daughter and SIL for a little while (their suggestion!), until the perfect Condo comes available. It's not my perfect solution unfortunately as I hate to move twice, but I don't want to be forced into buying something unless it really feels right, and buying contingent on our home selling and then lining up the perfect purchase is an unlikely scenario, but I'll definitely be looking! I have been studying the buy/sell housing market in this area like a fiend for so long now, and feel like I could be a Realtor Specialist at this point! Lol! Thankfully there have been quite a few very nice Condo options available lately, so I'm Optimistic!

CMagnum, CWillie, thinking of you both during this difficult time, and hoping that things settled down and give you both time to grieve and to heal.

Golden, hope your Mom gets stable on her meds and is feeling better. You too Sweetie, I'm always thinking of you!

Glad, you Must be Super Excited, it Almost time to move into your new home, just in time for the holidays!

DDuck, sounds like you are moving in the right direction!, coming to grips with your dysfunction family, believe me, BTDT!

SharynM, hope you are enjoying your new place and your Grandies!

Fraz, praying that your Mom gets settled on her new meds and settles back down in her AL place!

Ugh, how I pray for you all going through all this tough stuff! It's very strange to be without having to worry every minute of my life, not having a parent first and foremost in my mind, and it's taken a year to grieve and finally feel like we can put ourselves first in life, it really is our time to make decisions based solely on our own happiness!

Oh Gershun.

Are you a fan of Peanuts, by any chance?

Think of Charlie Brown place-kicking that football. Yes, well. He never learns either. But is it wrong of him to keep trusting? Aren't faith and hope cardinal virtues?

The trouble is he actually *expects* things to be different, every time, and ends up flat on his back. Keep hoping, but don't swing at the football.

I watched Melody Beattie, and Pia Melody on utube. Melody B is 8hours and very informative. She has the narcissist program down to a tee.

Gershen, good luck to you in the job hunt. I window gazed as I rode bus downtown for fridge. I saw a resuratant and thought this must be a nice place. My admiration grew when I saw an older woman waitress. I thought of that when I read a post stating certain franchises hire older people. I am quite sure with all the good advice you post that you will be an asset where ever you chose to go.

Also, I am done with my sister and about to be done with my nephew. I text him to stick a fork in me I was done. So many betrayals, and ugly from my sister, with me programmed to take care of her while she sits onher arse. Same with my mother. Its so amazing to see the same words and themes come out of my nephew who is mimicking his mother that my mother used to say and do. The scary part is that I am like a volcano ready to errupt with this. My prayers, and grace from God, and common sense helps. But sometimes I feel like I will blow up so I am glad they avoid me like the plaque.

Cmag, my thoughts are with you. I guess lots of backlash has to be cleared during this difficult time. I had never heard of the bond thing. Sounds like a lot of money and it was paid for you. You deserve to keep it all for your self its yours with your name, no one elses. You dont have to share this part of your father..

Book, like you said this is the dysfunction thread. Sorry you had issues with sister. Sometimes I forget you and certain others are going through the same dysfunction with the solid good advice you give and the encouragement. You spend a lot of posts being sportive and helping us. I will read your post and cry with you and my heart will be with you in your pain or distress. I can not express how you have significantly stopped a spiral I was on by one or two sentences that still resonate that still come to my mind and make me feel victorious over the insanity.

Countrymouse, When I saw the number two I chuckled. I would keep that dag on check. They probably owe you much more than that just in usasge not necessarily monetary.
Frazzled, I hope all is well with you and your mother.
Sharyn I hope all is well.
Hi Ali, I guess you are all settled in your new place. I cant wait to be in that "place" where you are.

The truth is that I know I am leaving, fix up where I am now, run a line to my floor for a fridge. Get bathroom fixed up on my floor, put fabulous locks on doors. move when the apartment comes and keep my space. Its a whole lot to think about much less do. And a major part of the movement is me getting my room straight. I make progress and then its like I dont care, whats the point. Then as I get to working I see its nots so hard. I just need the motivation. I am a go getter once I set my mind. Its like I dont care. Its like I have to learn to love myself. I will go down there and sweep and beautifully mop those floors but wont find time to focus on my own spot. Yup I see it, cant process it though for some reason.

I thank you all for baring with these long posts and absences. Sometimes I want to post but I just dont have it in me. Sometimes I dont want to relive this mess I live. Then other times I need, I mean really need to let it out.

Oh and Glad, I am still loving to hear about your progress in house. Glass tile! whew. That blue sounds pretty. Sounds like you have a collection. It also sounds like it will all have a lovely flow. How did the maple wood selection work out.

Forgive me please if I missed something. I am not all caught up. I tried though.

Its so nice to come back here. Its like I am in a room visiting with some real serious, honest, and good people. I dont laugh often. In fact a genuine chuckle and laugh is hard to find for me. But here I get that chuckle, I get that laugh, sometimes I even share it with others and laugh. But for sure everything I read and learn here resonates though my life.

Okay so if you can bare with me a tad longer. I want to share that learning about narcisssim and now codependence is helping me deal with my issues.
Therapist gave me assignment to watch Melanie Beattie "Codependent no more".
Its awesome, I am not finished but after hearing certain things over and over in different ways it begans to become clear. So very very true, and so very helpful so far.

Also Pia Mellody on codependncy.
As I learn I grow stronger.

The good thing is that I realize my mistake in not believing my mother and my sister when they showed me who they were. A few years in but now I believe him too! so I try to avoid as much commucation unless absolutely necessary.
It still behooves me when I am off how I clean and cook and then when my sister is off she continues to straight up stairs when she comes in. Leaves her coffee and a mcd breakfast sausage and pancakes. Which i often find on table. att least now she cuts the pancakes. Last years I was so tired of cleaning syrup spills in fridge amonsgt other spills. Scrubbing syrup off table where it dried or off the floor.

Anyways, it me or them. I'm not trying blow a fuse with my pressure fluctuating. Sometimes when my nephew text me I feel like some one is choking the s#$% out of me my head gets so tight.

I have been thought all that maybe its me s%^& I did it with my mother and my sister. Im putting an end to it. Anything I ask or say is reasonable.Can you ask doctor for a script for ensure. Can you ask doc to refer her to podiatrist. she needs a home attendant. fix the door. The ignorance and malice is sickning. I have applied for a lot of complexes being built here in NYC the rentals are based on income and unfrtunately a lot of times I am over the highest bracket or under the lowest income bracket for eligibilty.

Mean while the refrigerator molding is off again. Its still fressing things and I should have a new one coming in sometime next week.Once they process the paper work I can pick and or upgrade. I am going for a whirlpool this time. The fridgedaire is mostly all they had in top freezer, plenty of double door higher priced fridges. Guy says next day delivery. Stainless steel is 100 more than the black one. contract is more also. Well I hope the gate is properly fixed by time of delivery.

I have to find my keys to the upstairs doors. Luckily I made copies when I got my mothers keys once when she was acting up.. Anyway the ones i have tried are not working. Meanwhile I told nephew I need copies. I could not lock gate because it does not close properly and key could break in lock. If i find my keys I can use door upstairs to come and go and just use gate to throw out garbage. If I dont get copies or cant find mine I will have to change the locks which will be expensive but if I have to I will. I will do a good search my days off. He had some one come and half ass weld a brace to door and screw to stoop but the door doesnt close properly. I dont know if its temporary or what.

So I made a nice dinner friday. Made my cheese bisuits in convection oven broke the timer. When I went to take care of fridge buisness I saw they had the convection oven contract so I just have to bring it in. I had kept box like the man said but couldnt find reciept. so I was a happy camper when I saw that picture on the screen. I go back to put in order when they process paper work.

Hi All! I have just finished trying to catch up. A lot happens on this thread in four or five days. Then had on my mind for quite a while to respond to older posts.

Golden, I hope your sinus issue is better and I wish you all the best in coping with the situaton with your mother. I know as much dysfunction I have with my mother if you stick her with a pin I feel it. So I can imagine the toll on your heart. I how much worse it can be on top off past losses. My heart is with you always I admire your strength.

I have always been the strength and support for my family and friends. I'd be there solid and strong. After so many loses, I cry and hurt easy, now and I feel worn and torn and then I spoke to my friend O who was my prayer partner at one time and the conversation ended with him saying I was stronger in a different way. After I was like, no! I cant handle stuff like I used to . Then I thought about it. He was right.

I admire your strength. I see myself there at some point.

I take bp meds for many years. I have uncontrolled HTN at times. after finally seeing a cardiac specialist. (this was after I moved back in my mothers house with her and my sister, I kept getting threatened with admission to hospital if my pressure did not go down. so I had to sit in office for a while after medication.
anyways the cardiaologist after some trial and error put me on three meds. The third family of meds makes me itch for some reason so I only take two different meds one of which he says they can keep increasing if needed. so I just take an extra pill adjust my diet and salt. So far its a lot better more like my normal high. I bouhht one of those one dish instant mash potato pouch. Dang! it was delicious , I didnt eat the whole thing but enough to trigger a blow up which is just comming down. My bigh problem is the diastolic or bottom number.

Oh and Golden, you were right on point with exerciseing the foot. I have been reading up on this issue and it does help. I ordered a foot spling for sleep I still dont think I got it right but it helps a little. Plus cod liver oil. it helps in healing.
Still have the heel pain, it up and down. Funny, now the hip pain and knee not listening to my demands is gone. Amazing. Thank goodness these things take turns. Sometimes its scary.

Oreo, that scapegoat stuff is very painful. Its also so riduculous. The gatedoor under the stoop is falling in. coming apart from stoop normal wear and tear, not to mention my mother always used a shover to brace against the wall to the gate for extra protection. So lots of times even having the key to open gate I had to ring bell to get it was obvious that the tension would cause erosion at the attachment. It even cased erosion in the door at the point of where she put the handle. But of course someone is trying to steal the gate now. Then the house has become a target. There are two main doors one is wooden which is the one we need a key to get in and out of. When I briefly started just leaveing gate unlocked but closed when I started running errands. There was markings that some one was scraping to door. The blinds are open mostly in the summer and you could look right in. There is really nothing in the house. The larger flatscreen is broken that was gone when I came from trip to Korea and the old large heavy tv is back.. There i another medium sized flat screen in kitchen. Nothing else. Anyways, I was in house when I hear this noise like someone slammed a door real hard. I ran to window to see who was leaving or coming in and saw no one. I went back in hall waiting an listening to hear a key turn. There are 6 people who have keys. Noone was there. When I left out to run errand I could barely open or close gate. So anyways I text nephew about door and tell him I cant wait to see how he and his mother figure me into it. Other than that I see he has same gene that my mother and sister had. Either that or he is stuck on stupid like I was for most of my life.

cmag - glad you are safely home. People can open their mouth and put their foot in it at these times, Maybe stopping by your mum's grave after the Ohio service would be a good thing for you, Take care.

Well, I am back home from the first memorial service. One comment that I could have done without was hearing my step-sister tell me that she is glad that my mom left my dad so that she could meet my dad. Truth be told, he was nice to her, but her mother was mean to me and her mother was mean to my dad.

I learned that the bond that dad paid down was $5,000 for each visit which he got back after the visit.

I just looked up the current inflation value of the $5,000 bond that my dad had to put down each time he visited me as promise money that he would bring me back.

The current value of $5,000 from back then is 41,363.09

I almost stopped by my mom's grave to tell her what I think of what she did, but decided I wanted to get home more. Maybe on the trip back from Ohio for I pass very near the cemetery.

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