The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden, thx for acknowledging my comments. I'm presently taking a Christian based type of group therapy which goes for a fair number of weeks. Tonight was the third session. I think it will help with the family issues I struggle with. It may take dedication and some deep soul searching on my part but I think if I can stick it out I may find my path out of this hope/disappointment/anger merry go round that is me and my siblings relationship. I will keep you posted.

Hi duck - I am glad you see you are making progress. The more you can detach from your sis and nephew the better. Realizing our self worth can take a very long time. You are not alone. Keep on keepin' on.

sissisu "you will end up in a rubber room if you have her move in with you." I agree with that. Why do you think it would help her? She seems to have serious mental problems that will take more than a move to fix if anything will. Please continue to look after yourself. She seems to be er own worst enemy.

Finally getting rid of the chest congestion. Going out in the extreme cold didn't do me any good. I cancelled an appointment last week as I didn't want to chance it again. Thankfully it has warmed up for a week or two - a nice break mid winter. I am slowly changing my focus back to the house and my own stuff, It doesn't happen overnight. Life after caregiving is a slowly developing phenomenon.

Gershun - I haven' t hunted your thread down but wanted to mention that, yes, I have detached and gone no contact with my sis but I am a lot older than you are and have had more years to work on it. I saw my sis at mother's last birthday in May 2018 and had some contact with her by email until the funeral in September 2019. So going no contact is fairly recent

You said you still had hope - I guess hope that they would change or that you would. I kept hope for quite a long while, so I understand. No one or few arrive at such a decision easily or quickly.. Whether you eventuality do or don't, I wish you the best.

glad - how is the business venture going?

Rocky the prissy kitty is pretty mellow these days. She is very energetic pouncing on the videos for cats. Pumpkin is getting some winter pudge I think. She feels heavier so I am cutting back on treats. If I give them both some human food most of the time Rocky won't eat it so Pumpkin gets doubles. No more of that! Her bedtime meal is about a tablespoon of wet food, which Rocky doesn't like so she gets a few cat treats instead, I may have t ration the dry cat food. Never had to ration food for a cat before but Pumpkin is a little foodie - becoming a big foodie. Hopefully she will work some of that off as the weather gets warmer and she plays outside

Goodnight all. Take care of you.

Sissisu,

Vent all you want. That's a big part of why we are here for and this site is here for.

Well, Mom has been up and down (not horribly down), so I figured we'd have what I term a 'dark' mood coming up. Today was that day. She was okay over the weekend; I kept it quiet that I had Monday off work or she would've insisted I go there, even though the weather was bad. She was okay earlier on the day on Sunday then went into a sour mood. Last night when I called her, she was brief, and said oh are you working from home tomorrow? Foolishly, I said yes. I was like oh rats, she's going to call and rant. Bingo. She was half crying half yelling, ranting about how she does not want me to go there ever again until I apologize for what I've done to her. What have I done? I didn't agree with her plan where she'd buy a house and we'd live together. I honestly do not even remember her discussing it (doubtful any discussion took place - just she wanted to do THIS - HER plan), and I guess I said no. I told her later, I would have had to buy the home because otherwise all I would have heard, this is MY HOUSE, MY RULES. Oh, she'd never say that. She said the time as I was a kid. I put the phone on mute; it was the same stuff she always rants about. After telling her the issue with her hands sure sounded like carpal tunnel (way back in 2013/2015), to which she said no it was not, she found a doctor's invoice or the slip they give you with each visit. It said she had carpal tunnel. She now swears the doctor never told her. She cannot hear and will not even think of going for a hearing test. Ironically, one of her friends has hearing aids, has had joint surgeries, heart procedure, all without the drama Mom would have had (she also does not call Mom that much any longer; I think it just becomes taxing). At least one other friend said she couldn't deal with her and suggested (to me) that get her mental help (although this friend said I understand that she probably wouldn't go).
I'm just exhausted with her tantrums. Part of me wonders if she came here on a trial basis, would that help at all? I doubt I could get her to agree to any rules, but maybe it's worth a shot? It would be months before I could even think of having her come - for a weekend or a week at most. I'd have to get a stair lift as I live in a two story home, plus make sure everything is neat as pin (one less thing for her to complain about). I'm in the middle of a major work crunch, where we are limited with what days we can even take off for the next 6 to 8 months (that will go over well - not). She'll tell me I pay more attention to 'them' (employer) than her and it's just not right! Then she'll ask what the 'others' are doing or think. It'll be wrong, the whole world is wrong, the kids these days! (I explained to her I'm not a kid - I'm within 5 years of retirement). I also explained why I need to continue to work, and she said that would have been different had I only found a guy to marry. Which is unlike her, because 'so many guys' were interested in her back in the day. I'm just tired of it all, almost ready to wave the white flag and say you win. The sane part of me says no, you will end up in a rubber room if you have her move in with you.
I do not intend on apologizing for a thing though. I have when I was wrong, but saying no to her 'plan', which really wasn't a plan was not wrong. She just assumed I would be her backup plan.
I told her how a former colleague, a bit younger than me, can no longer dress themselves, can barely get out of bed. Her response - well with my hands, I cannot do much. Always back to her. Then during her rant today, "I never think of myself". Sure. If this has taught me anything, it's plan ahead for your retirement and find a good facility, ahead of when you'll actually need it. I've also been told, just you wait - I hope you suffer like I have, and you'll be all alone. Yeah, kind of talking myself out of any visit. Thanks for letting me vent again.

Hello everyone, I had a lot to vent yesterday but could not log in. Today I am not up to it.

This thread seems like its deserted. I hope everyone is good and taking care of themselves and their hearts.

Its so sad that its taken me so long to figure out self preservation, self esteem. I am starting to be comfortable with no contact with my slither or her son.

Nothing from APS. My mother is good, poor appetite today. She made a mess pouring teriyaki sauce out side the stove burners and it was a nice mess to clean. Lots of things need to be addressed and I am doing so at my own pace.

Otherwise I am in a good place. The depression and frustrations hits hard sometimes .And when my mother is in a certain mode her old self comes out and then come the flashbacks of her and my slither and going there makes me bitter not so much at my mother but I realize they are both mentally ill.

I am leaning on My Father in heaven a lot now, knowing I cannot and never could handle these and other issues alone.

Blessings and rays of light to all. Smile I mean it really works and comes right back at you.

Take care all be good to yourselves.

Hello East,

I get it. Many a day I have wished to be an ‘only’ child. Hahaha

Plenty of us have sibling issues. Been there done that. I surrendered. I gave up and let my brother deal with it all. We cannot make our mom or siblings respect us equally or respond in certain ways, so that’s that.

I wish you well. Take care.

Duck,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Sorry your mom smacked her face. It’s so hard to feel helpless. Glad you found comfort with your friend and prayer partner. Hugs!

Greetings to all! I am not caught up. Its so good to read new comers and old posters getting help and advice.

I had a real nice break down a few days ago. I been feeling a little depressed and frustrated. I was proud of my growth in responding to my slither's and nephew's actions and neglect. At one point he put lock on the door of the bathroom on my floor. Then he through out some of my things from fridge callng himself cleaning it out but didnt finish the hard part of cleaning the dried gook from spills and dementia mischeif. I havent changed the lock since it was the holidays and my slither had been off. I was proud of myself for not sending text to nephew about the last few incidendts. The last one msg I sent I almost literally called him a "B".
I dont want to start hitting below the belt in any way.

They did not go to doctor apt nor was another date set. I will keep checking and leaving notes for the care practitioner.

It is continually depressing to see my mother deteriorate and wishing she had better care. Also my nature is to fix everything and I cant fix this. I know I truly cant handle the care I try to provide on my own. So I will find myself breaking down in the mist of cleaning a mess. Or just remembering who my mother was before this demise.

Then to top things off I used wrong address for my son and for an order I made to treat myself mistakenly for the address of the corner store I use for packages. So in the morning I have to go to those addresses and inquire about my packages. Whew!! the order can be replaced and my son had sent things from Japan. Thank goodness he didn't send diamonds :) I sure hope I am able to get the packages.

Its a wake up call. I had a few this last week. Its scary. I felt like a black cloud was following me. then my mother had put a crisper from bottom of fridge on the top of the fridge and as she pulled it down it smacked her in her face. She dry cried for good few minutes, I cried with her but real tears. What is it about a narcissist that they dont really cry, cant remember slither crying either. I remember looking at movies the three of us and Id be the only one wiping my eyes I thought I was too sensitive and hid the tears always.

I also know that January is a month full of loved ones birthdays and the memories and dreams flood in. My grandmother and two of my cousin who were like brothers to me celebrate heavenly birthdays.

So all those frustrations, and fear just hit me hard for like two days, I knew I had to pull it together some way find some peace of mind and heart.

I called my friend and prayer partner we prayed and I feel so much better. He led me toward proverbs. I am uplifted by God Is, and I dont beleive he bought me this far to leave me by Rev. James Cleavland. These are two old but beautiful songs I first heard on my birthday at a gospel concert I went to with O and his wife.

I also did a lot of smiling! Got a lot of smiles back I am feeling so much better.

So good to see the soldiers and guardian angels on this site still working their magic and helping others come to terms.

Rays of love light and healing to all! Good night.

Hi east - I remember you. It looks, as you say that nothing has really changed except your mum's ailments have increased, which is to be expected at her age. and you are having less contact with her and your cousin, I understand that that is a concern. I seriously don't think there is anything you can do to help your mother or your brother. Your mum refuses outside help and has given all care to your brother to manage. It is his job and has been for a while. Maybe someone else will have some ideas for you . You and your husband have your own health issues and carrying guilt for a situation where you have done no wring is not good for you or him. I remember that you tried at various times but your help was not received well.

"My problem is that I am still feeling guilty that I am not the one doing everything for our Mother, as I used to. But, I also feel that I am somehow being punished because I am not able to do what my Brother wants " I;m not sure what from this punishment takes. Can you explain?

Your guilt is false guilt. It seems to be based on what you think your brother thinks and probably what you expect of yourself still, though you can't do it. You have done nothing wrong. Everyone has their limits.

Maybe you need to accept things as they are. Aging family, including ourselves is no picnic. We do the best we can. You are not responsible for your brother's feelings. It is up to him to deal with them.

Hi All,
I have not been on here for a long time, with So much going on.
I am the one who's Mother is 95 years old (will be 96 this Summer), and is still living alone in her 3 Family house. Nothing has changed in the last several years. My Mother does have one fairly new Tenant, but that person is not home during the day, and is not responsible for my Mother and her safety.
As a reminder: I am the older of just 2 Siblings. I am 68 yrs old, and I have one Brother who is 66. He and his Wife (who is much younger) live just one half mile from our Mother's house, in walking distance. He was the one who wanted her to keep the house so that he can take over as the Landlord. Actually, our Mother has already let him, and his Wife, take over. They are making all the decisions on repairs, and also finding new tenants to rent the other apartment. His Wife is involved in everything, while I am never consulted or included. I am in the will as a Half owner of the house - with my Brother - so just the 2 of us. Unless my Mother ends up selling it. I was so fed up about being excluded that I had asked my Mother to call her Lawyer and take me out of her will, but she never did. I did not want to deal with the hassle of another house, and the fact that my Brother does not keep in touch with me. Also, I am hurt that my Mother has allowed him and his Wife to take over - while I am kept out of the loop all the time. I had wanted our Mother to sell the house and move to AL near me. That didn't happen, so my Mother and I kept in touch by phone, and we talked almost every day - for anywhere from one hour to 4 hours. My Mother has bad eyesight due to Glaucoma, is blind in one eye, and needs hearing aids which she only wears half the time. Also, she had a few falls, so now it's difficult for her to get up to answer the phone, or she does not hear it ring. We let the phone ring for along time, but she still couldn't hear it. So we agreed that she would call me when she wanted to. So about 4 months ago, I stopped getting her phone calls. I tried to call her - but no answer. My Brother does not like to keep in touch with me, but I finally got a response from him. He said that our Mother now has trouble seeing the phone so she can't make calls. He also said he has been checking on her a little more, and he does see her on the weekends, because he is at the house to do some remodeling on one of the apartments. So, I asked him to do me a favor - to please call me from our Mother's phone so that I can talk to her. I got no reply from him. My husband (71 years old) and I could not drive to my Mother's house for the last few months, due to his health problems and mine. But my Brother never called to ask how we are doing, I don't think he cares enough. We live 30 miles away, it's a one hour drive or more, and always lots of traffic. My problem is that I am still feeling guilty that I am not the one doing everything for our Mother, as I used to. But, I also feel that I am somehow being punished because I am not able to do what my Brother wants - take care of our Mother so he won't have to. I feel that it is now his job - he is the one who kept our Mother in this situation. I am sure that he feels that it's a burden to him, since our Mother still refuses all outside help. She could have free care from the Commission for the Blind, but she didn't want them in her house either. Any ideas or suggestions? Thank You.

sissisu - good to hear from you again. Happy New Year to you. I see from what you write your mum is as critical as ever I am glad she acknowledges you are good at computers. I found trying to be nice to my mother backfired as did compliments. Mother would make up jobs for me to do too. Sometimes I said "No". You are right she wants you to do it all so if something goes wrong it is your fault. Glad you aren't doing it or the tree or having her move in with you . We need to draw the line somewhere. Good boundaries!

Despite being in the deep freeze here I am not having any FM pain. That's amazing and, I am sure, due to the decrease of stress in my life . Got some more estate stuff done and we are nearly finished. 😊

Things seem to be settling down for dd and family. Dgd is on meds and getting counselling.

R is doing a course of PT and his pain has decreased, and mobility increased, So some good things are happening.

The kitties are behaving themselves as much as kitties can. Since I moved the litter boxes we have had no more issues .with that. 🤞

I had fatigue and brain fog from CFS the other day which makes doing any paper work hard, I took some meds and suddenly it was like a wind blew the fog away and my head was as clear as could be. That was when I got the estate stuff done. It has been such a struggle at times with the lack of concentration and the fatigue. I am determined that this year it will be better. I know the decrease of stress will help. People do recover from CFS. I think I am on the way with the FM pain going. I still get general aches and pains but OTC meds help them, and also a lot of self care - hot bubble baths, proper meals, time to veg, hot drinks, chocolate!!!, good books to read, and enough sleep.

Here's to a healthier new year for everyone. We can do it!!! 👍 🎈🎈🎈

Happy New Year to all! I hope this year is better for everyone than last year.

Christmas was just a quick turnaround trip. I got there and she was ok most of the evening. I had zero clue about my brother, who had said in prior years, giving of gifts was ridiculous, as we don't really need anything. Mom said he was ruining Christmas, so he's relented. It was the trading of gift cards between the two of us (which Mom said isn't a gift, she doesn't want any of those damned things!). I then got her a bunch of stuff, saving one item for later. Brother got her another cell phone. She's only had 3, all of which were "stupid", meaning she couldn't work any within a month or so. She's a technophobe. Gone thru 3 (and I'm guessing it will be 4) cell phones, 3 tablets, and one laptop. For the laptop, I've not shown her enough. I set it up (she bought it) to be as user friendly as possible. She expects to click one button and see everything. The one compliment I've gotten in recent times, is how good I am at it. (Duh, I work in a pseudo tech capacity at work, to which she said all I do in punch in stuff on a keyboard, that is NOT working!).
Next day, I had to clean for her, so I got up early as I was driving back that day. Cleaned everything, and had brought some laundry of mine to do (can't you do that at home? Yes, but didn't want to say washer is kind of on the fritz and hers is new - so why not - as she slept in all morning). I'd asked if she wanted to go out to her favorite restaurant, and she turned it all around that I had an ulterior motive. No, I honestly did not. Just trying to be nice, which backfired. So we finally go to one store, after she did everything but get ready (I'm sure to annoy me). We had to get extra strength Tylenol and look for something else. Her shoulders and fingers were hurting, and she yelled at me saying I didn't know what pain was! No one does except her! Her mood from Christmas changed on a dime; from nice to nasty. So we get back, I made something to eat, then start packing. She yelled at me for various things, cannot remember what, except I just wanted to get out of there. I finally left, and then she called me when I was about 2 miles away. Forgot the big box (her gift which was being returned). Fine. Then I said is this it? I guess. Nope, she called me again - at the same place almost. I was hitting their rush hour traffic at that point. What did I forget? A gift bag. I kid you not. One that I had put a gift to my brother in (I'd bought the gift for her to give to brother and put in a bag so she wouldn't have to do that). She didn't want it - so throw it out? I finally left for good.
Hearing about her fingers (loss of dexterity and feeling - yet she's never wanted to see a doctor, I'm supposed to cure it somehow), and her neighbor, who is so well taken care of - in contrast to Mom (per her). Neighbor has a large family, and is very easy going. Mom, not so much. Her neighbor told her, oh sounds like carpal tunnel, I had the surgery years ago. Now, I'd looked up symptoms online, and told Mom years ago, sounds exactly like carpal tunnel. No, that cannot be it, that is 'with your wrists'. She now believes her neighbor, and wants to get her fingers fixed. I said well you need to tell me what doctor you want to see, then set up appointment, and I will take you for initial visit. She's not done a thing. She wants me to do it, so if it goes wrong, my fault. Not happening. Now she's not answering her phone. Probably expects me to take down her Christmas tree. Not happening. She could have a table top tree, but refuses. Brother can do it. I'm really tired of everything he does is golden (mostly), while what I do is never enough or correct. He's been sick recently, and she rants to me about that - we're both weaklings compared to her. Then she cries about me not wanting her to live with me. Wonder why? Not happening.

Good evening, all. Hope it's not as cold where you are as it is here.

trying - hope you are over the blues by now. Great that you are being gentle with yourself, looking for beauty and ignoring the "shoulds". Those are good daily practices. Yes the emotional abuse stung, and it was my mother and my sister, but God is good and I have been and am healing. It's an ongoing work.

struggling - you are not alone Its horrible seeing one's kids getting it too. I'm glad you know that your mum can't move in with you. My mother was cruel too and it is very hard doing what has to be done. I had to pull back in terms of contact. Getting a good assessment of her once the dementia started was very important as the professionals were able to accomplish things I couldn't. We have to distinguish between needs and wants. The needs have to be met but not all the wants or demands. Once the POA was active, I said "No" to some things. Mother didn't like it but it had to work for me too and also be the best thing for her. Sometimes what she wanted wasn't good for her. Do you have POA financial and medical?

need -good suggestion about struggling setting some boundaries

surprise - I seriously decreased physical contact with my mother and it helped. I think a health care manager is a great idea. but sometimes we have to let them make their own bad choices . Mother made some before POA was activated. I understand feeling afraid your mother was going to kill you. I had that fear in a few situations too.

stacey - Happy New Year to you. 2019 was exhausting for me too and I am feeling good about this year 2020. Hope you are recovering well from all the bugs and visitors . I can see why you are suspect about you bils death. I have no idea how you can find out more. Hope you can. A new leaf is turning over here for sure - out with the toxic, keep only the healthy!!!

duck -time for healing - me too and so glad to hear that from you. You have some very interesting train rides! Trusting the Lord is the way to go. Hope the referrals for your mum go through. Pain almost gone !!! Awesome!!! and your BP is doing better. Sounds like good progress.

dys - greedy selfish siblings are not rare here - and they make the difficult job of care giving that much more difficult. I am glad you and your mum are close. Sorry for the loss of your dad, though your life may be easier now. Could you and your mum brush together? -would that help?

beatty - great suggestions

piper - great suggestions too!

glad - this new venture is so exciting. Congratulations on being selected!!! WOW 😲. Very interesting about the Saturday caregiver. It would be nice to have her close enough to visit with regularly. Re the red flags - you've put your two cents in - not much more you can do. Hope it works out well.

gershun - read somewhere that Daniel is having more troubles. So sorry. Hate it when our fur babies are suffering. Hope he feels better soon.

The start of a quasi plan for mom's coats and business. It was suggested to me to apply to the entrepreneurship program at the college here. The program is part of economic development in this rural area. The tuition is awarded on a scholarship basis a maximum of 15 students with only a $50.00 fee. Yes, I was one selected.

Two classes with the goal of preparing a business plan with a competition for cash awards at the end. It is exciting and I am apprehensive at the same time. At least I will get an idea on how to start. Maybe be able to do something with it while improving economy in these parts. 😳

On another note, I have stayed in touch with mom's Saturday caregiver. She is thinking about moving to this area. Actually she put in an offer on a home that is just a mile from me, as the crow flies. All kinds of red flags with the house, I have put in my two cents, now just need to let it go. She recently got engaged and I think the hubby to be has way too much influence on this decision and no contribution to the purchase. 😵 Though it will be a VA loan, so hopefully they will reign this thing in. Feeling frustrated about this, need to take my mom hat off.

dysFUNction,

(cute user name BTW lol, man can I relate!) I too have a brother in his 50's who has yet to get his act together. I'm glad you at least seem to have a good relationship with your mom.

On the teeth brushing- maybe try one of the candy flavored tooth paste flavors they make for kids. It tastes good so it encourages kids to brush, maybe that would appeal to your mom too.

There are also cleaning sponge swabs that you can give her that wouldn't feel rough like a brush. I'm pretty sure you can buy packs of disposable ones so when she's done just toss it. I used to keep those in a glass of ice water at my Aunt's bedside after her stroke and it helped. You might be able to flavor those too with something that doesn't have sugar.

Re toothbrushing: Does Mum just need prompting / reminding? Or no longer knows the sequence? Do you do yours together so she can copy? I'm wondering if pain? Or the toothpaste flavour is no longer to her liking? Maybe a softer toothbrush? There used to be a 'my first' kid's toothpaste in strawberry flavour... just googled & Colgagte make a mild bubble fruit flavour... (I say yuk but sweet tooths may like).

Sorry, a pass on the brothers LOL.

Mom has ALZ....but she is NOT the problem....any chance I can put my siblings in a home instead??? Dad just passed away...He was not much help with Mom's caregiving. Although he WAS very quick to criticize and provide world-class guilt trips on how my 24-7 caregiving is somehow "lacking" in both quality & quantity... I have two greedy/selfish brothers who take much much more than they ever give. They don't want to attend my "sibling meetings" because they fear it will mean they will be "cut off" from the gravy train they've been riding on for decades with my parents. Both over 50 years old and had a melt down when I told them they will have to start paying for their own cell phone bills....Our family method of communication covers the gambit of dysfunction -- from passive aggressive to false accusations & lies. I'm on prozac and in therapy....not because of Mom...she's a true angel...but because of an idiot father & his 2 idiot protege. Can't wait to take Mom away from crazy town so I don't go any more insane. Anyone want a couple worthless middle-age brothers?? Oh yeah, on an unrelated note, anyone have tips on how to encourage Mom to brush her teeth? Almost everything else is an easy fix for her....but this one has stumped me.

I also requested followup for the dementia evaluation referral, and requested ensures, that she preferred chocolate, for her sometimes waning appetite.

So I am hopping that she gets these referral and request set in motion.

Other wise all is well. Pain is almost nil. Had a brief return to the hip pain. My pressure goes much lower than usual though it still gets high.

All the best and rays of love and light to all.

Hi Everyone. Happy New Year!

For Me?!

Its time for Healing!!!


My heart is moved reading the posts on this page seeing the pain and the wrongness, feeling same over smilar issues.

It seems that a lot more things are coming together and making sense in my head here lately.

These past two days I met a woman on the train going to work each day. I felt a spiritual lesson and had a type of healing and growth or reminder. The first lady looked homeless, had this large shopping cart with a large heavy duty black shopping bag. She appeared tired, had on a bonnet? and I just assummed she was cray cray or homeless. There were hardly seats and I took a window seat near her and she said sorry sorry and I responded for what no problem. I was very very tired and a tad sad wanting not to have to go to work. Anyways she was nodding and leaned close to me and apologized. I says to her I thought you were going to lay your head on my lap for a minute there and we started talking and laughing. She showed me pictures of her new grandbaby, It was weird and I thought what was that about. I thought she was homeless and turned out she was a woman who had worked hard in her life and was a little eccentric but bought smiles to quite a few of us on that train ride.

Today I left out earlier so I could pick up lunch. The train was unusually crowded. So I am know I have to take any seat and not my favorite window seat. But, But But I spot a window seat get too it wake the man on the isle to get there and see a dried hunk of feces. It was old and not smelling butt I was like whew, ohh, will you look at that and end up sitting were I started to sit at first - Next to a woman who was a cancer survivor and mother of three women from 40 to 55 and she was 65. All she kept saying mostly is that she was God's Child. She says people walk around depressed and sad. We have God in our lives we cant be anyting but happy. She says tomarrown would make a year that she has been cancer free. She was the cutest little woman dressed very nice, makeup and red lipstick.. As she told me her story about the cancer and all the support and love she felt from family and friends and her church and how she was blessed and how she stays from negativity, people who complain and put you down; it bought tears because it uplifted me and I told her how I had a patient who had ca and how this pt had just about every orifice sewed up from bouts with ca and this woman was so up lifted and happy I almost cried infront of her. I asked her something like how can you smile and you are going through so much and she said similar to this woman on the train. Turns out her uncle was a famous minister in the area whose ministry had deeply effected my spiritual walk,

So I got the message again, how to trust in the Lord and leave things in His
Hands.

So that is mostly what I have been doing these last few weeks and its gets hard but I am have less stess and more growth.

APS - The case worker said the case was open and I would be hearing from them soon. I said that he had told me that 6months ago. So I am still waiting for something besides a visitfrom him.

I had made an apt for my mother in november to get a referral to a podiatrist ;therapy for the poor skin integrity of her legs; evaluation for home care, and ensure. I learned it was cancelled by my sister when I called to cancel it myself realizing my mother would not go out the door with me and I couldnt ever make her do so without help. Anyways at that time I learned her next apt would be tomarrow. My sister is the health care proxy for myt mother and has me blocked from her information and care. I am thinking that because APS stepped in at some point that my mother got a referrel for severe dementia and I was able to learn of this apt.

So this morning when I got in I called and explained that this was a case with APS and to please leave a note for my mothers care practictioner to refer her for the same request I mentioned above

Happy New Year Everybody! Whew, so glad to say goodbye to 2019, and hello to 2020, it even has a nice ring to it, LOL! 2019 was an exhausting year, we sold out home, moved, bought a home, moved Again, put a lot of effort into getting our new place just how we wanted it with new paint, new carpeting, new furnishings and decor, new yard and established new raised garden beds all ready to plant this coming Spring, and then add in my strange and mysterious diaphragm pain that comes and goes without any sort of regularity or reason, the loss of my husband's only Brother and finally finishing out the end of the year with 12 family members here from the UK for the holidays, which was incredibly Fun, but also incredibly Stressful and all I can say is 2019, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE!!!

I hope all of Y'all who have been fighting Aches and Pains and Winter Colds and Flu Bugs are feeling much better! This past holiday for me and the Stress of the Holidays and preparing for visiting relatives sure does make a huge difference in recovering from those same illnesses. I got hit with a cold virus, a cracked and then abscessed tooth (plus the "digestive" complications from the 2 antibiotics, Yuck!), and then Another cold virus on top of that, and I have been just wiped out by it all, but thankfully the relatives have all gone home, another successful Christmas under our belts, as well as a New Year's Eve Party which we hosted, Whew!, and I am finally beginning to get a little energy back.

My hubby is still having bouts of sadness from losing his brother, but that is as expected for a while, I am still in disbelief about it, because he seemed to be doing just fine when hubby was down there visiting in September, And because I can't find a death notice on the internet, I'm still not sure if the whole darn thing isn't a hoax. Isn't that terrible, me thinking that they would even pull such a stunt, but in truth, I wouldn't put it past him, but I do not speak of my suspicions to my husband out of Love and respect, so I just continue to sleuth, unfortunately Az state has "privacy" laws that keep death notifications private for some reason. I may be being paranoid, but I don't even trust the guy in death, it's just Awful! Does anyone have any ideas how I can find out for certain, PM me if you have any suggestions!

So Happy New Year's Everyone, I hope that it is a time for Turing over new leaf's (is that a word, lol!) for healing our bodies as well as our Spirits and for nurturing healthy relationships. Cheers Everybody!

Struggling, Its seems to me that it would be better for you and your family to not have any in person contact with mom. If you want to face time or talk on the phone, you can easily disconnect when she gets ugly.

There is something called a health care manager who you can hire to manage getting your mother medical services if your mother has health issues that need tending. If there are not medical needs that can be handled, then you must simply let those loose ends go and allow your mom to make bad choices.

I had to walk away from mthr's bad choices 16 years ago. My husband was able to talk to her about quarterly, but not me - I would be depressed for weeks afterward. Eventually, Adult Protective Services called us and asked us to rescue mthr. We did. I was afraid she would shoot me (literally), so I stayed in the background at the attorney's office and my husband took her to some places around town while I filed for emergency guardianship with APS on my side. Hubby and I drove home in separate cars since I was not convinced mthr was not armed and she never saw me. She went straight to memory care where she's been for the last 7.5 years, warm, fed, and cared for medically and socially.

The emergency guardianship allowed us to change her address so we started getting all her mail so we knew her finances. Eventually we had it all under control. This took a while, but it was not as much as you are saying. The way we handled it protected our children from her abuse and allowed me to heal. I strongly recommend allowing your mom to fail on her own and without you in attendance.

Struggling,

Geeeez, your screen name suits your lifestyle. That’s tough. I don’t know how you manage as much as you are doing it long distance.

So sorry you are dealing with this. Your mom should be willing to move into a facility near you to make it easier on you. I don’t feel like she should have the option to stay so far away. Can’t you just tell her that you are not going to help her any further unless she cooperates with you?

After all, you can’t put your job in jeopardy. Could you tell her that you cannot take off any more time with work? That’s not really a lie because you really shouldn’t have to take off any more time than you already have.

Sending you a bazillion hugs.

I'm sure there are others out there like me... my mom was not kind to me as a child and teenager. She would tell me I was worthless, that no one would ever marry me, that my friends didn't really like me. When I was 18, I left home and never lived near her again. I would go see her a faithfully 3-4 times a year out of a sense of duty (she is widowed) but she has continued to be mean, and worse, when my family comes with me, she treats my daughter exactly the same way she treated me -- she has her in tears every visit.

For the last couple years I have been arranging for my mom's care long-distance and flying back and forth every month to take care of all the loose ends. But I'm about done. I'm tired, I've taken a ridiculous amount of time off from my job, my family misses me, and I can't help but resent my mom's increasing demands on me when she was so cruel to me over the years. She refuses to move out of her house, let alone to assisted living near us. She has said in passing that she would consider moving in with us, but there's no way on earth I could do that to myself, let alone my daughter, especially now that mom's dementia is so pronounced. Anyone else struggling to bring themselves to care for a cruel parent?

Need - I'm glad you were able to spend the holidays with your immediate family the way you wished. I did the same and it was wonderful.

Golden - My heart hurts for the way your Mom treated you. We can do our best to detach but being treated as a second class daughter stings no matter what. You are an inspiration; living proof that we can move past the hurt and find serenity.

I am feeling the post holiday blues right now. I miss my kids and grandkids very much. I will get over it soon enough but until then I am going to take it slow and be gentle with myself. I'll ask my husband for extra hugs, stop to look at natures winter beauty more and ignore "I should" thoughts when I really need to say no.

Hi need - join the crowd - though it is not as big or busy here these days,

I am glad you posted as you have been on my mind ever since your "not going to funeral" post but I haven't been sure what I wanted to share with you. Having not attended either of my parents' funerals, by choice I have had to work through a lot of feelings of loss of FOO, in addition to the "normal" grieving. However, I realize that I would have had a lot more hurt to deal with had I gone.

It must feel very weird not knowing if you will be informed when your mum passes or invited to the funeral.

I think you are wise not to see your mother. and to stay away from your brothers. I totally agree with your husband that you did more than your share. It's very sad when sibs can't work together, but sometimes it is how it is. I am glad you took a stand as you did ad stopped doing do much for your mother. It was too hard on you.

As to fault, I prefer to look at it as taking responsibility for your part of the dynamics. I wish I had stepped back sooner. It would not have changed mother but it would have been healthier for me. Hind sight is 20/20.

I am so glad you are doing some things just for you. I sure understand not being able to do things when your mum was there. My mother never lived here but I was POA financial and medical and then executrix and I am still behind dealing with my own stuff, And I am worn out from the years of stress.

It must hurt that your mum is paying for help at your bros but would not for you. Some twisted ideas there and not rare. My mother saw whatever travelling and hotel expenses I had in caring for her were mine to bear, which I did, but when she was planning to take my sister to the most expensive hotel in town when sis next came to visit so the both of them could have a week or two holiday together, I put my foot down and said if you can afford that you can pay me for my trips!

God, in his wisdom, did not give my mother any sons. I know she would have ruined them.

I am slowly downsizing. It isn't easy. You can still live in a big place but with less stuff. That is sort of my next step. The less stuff, the easier the housecleaning.

Take care, need. You deserve some good things. ((((((hugs)))))

I have a dysfunctional family but have not been the caregiver since September. No relationship with my brothers at this point and I am at peace with that.

Only spoken to mom on the phone twice since she’s gone. Have not and will not see her. Very strained relationship. Will not go see her because she is living at my brother’s home and I refuse to put myself in a situation where I am a target.

The holidays held a mixed bag of emotions for me, partially sad, partially concerned for mom but happy because I had freedom to spend time with my husband and daughters as I chose to for the first time in 15 years!

Still struggle a bit not knowing what the future will hold for mom, if she will remain at my brother’s home, end up in hospice or a facility, perhaps die and I won’t even know or be invited.

Made the decision not to be around her with my brothers present. I took care of her for decades and they were hardly around. My husband says that I did more than my share and I have. Just kind of weird not being around for the end.

She became very demanding and wanted me to do it all. It’s too much for one person. I realize it was partially my fault as well because I shouldn’t have tried to do as much as I did on my own and burned out.

Oh, but she is paying for additional help while at my brother’s house. My SIL works full time so she can’t and wouldn’t anyway. Don’t blame her. It’s hard being a caregiver to the elderly. She never offered to hire help for me because I am the daughter!

My mom always favored her sons and her generation is of that sexist mindset where women are caregivers and men are kings of the castle crap.

She complained so much to my brother that he criticized instead of helped. Not that I expected him to. Finally said to my brother and mom that he could take over.

Still seeing a therapist. Started volunteering at the food bank. I enjoy it. Am going to continue to do so.

Started clearing out closets, walk in pantry, cabinets. What a job! I couldn’t do anything that required a lot of time when mom lived here so things have accumulated.

My house is neat but I have no idea why I held onto extra stuff. I guess I couldn’t get rid of sentimental things. It’s funny, we put them away and end up forgetting about it.

I would love to downsize at this point in my life. We’ll see. Can’t convince hubby to move. Tired of living in a big home.

Rant over. Hugs to everyone!

Happy January everyone.

duck -you do sound better. Things are still very frustrating for you but you are handling them with less upset to yourself. So glad your hip and knee pain is going. I sure understand you being pissed off at some of the things that happen. What's happening on the APS front?

trying = you sound like you are in a good space. So glad you had a relaxed holiday doing it "your" way. I gave up trying to meet the expectations of others years ago. I sure helps.

The kitties are entranced by watching you tube videos of fish, birds, moving string, insects - whatever someone has dreamed up that appeals to cats. They watch and pounce and reach under the screen and even try to chew it at times. When I sit down with the laptop they come running and want their piece of the action. It's fun to watch them. Rocky particularly gets very intense about it, but then she is an intense creature. No more litter box problems since I moved two boxes in their room to the back corner. They seem to like it there. I hope we will continue to have success in that area.

I have been ignoring estate issues this week and must get back to the few remaining things and get it mostly wrapped up if I can. I seem to need to veg these days. Then I need to start on a pile of my mail.

A writing bug has hit me - stuff about my childhood and beyond, I know there are things that need to come out (of me) and this is helping. I am feeling safer and safer regards no contact with my sis. My nephew will let me know if anything drastic happens to her, but she is not able to bully him to pester me. I want this last phase of my life, however long it turns out to be, to be free of toxic relationships, or as free as I can make it.

A very good thing is that I have only experienced FM pain once in the past 6 months or so. I am sure it is related to the lessening of stress since mother passed. If I get through the winter ❄❄❄ without it, I will know it is gone. Then I hope to see lessening of the fatigue as well as more FOO things are over. Yay to more energy this year. I am looking forward to it. May as well expect good things.

Take care all. Hope the new year brings any blessings to all.

Back to the grind tomorrow. Its been great having time off from both my jobs. I feel ready to get back to the routine. Happy 2020 y'all.

May this coming New Year be full of love, blessings, healing, peace, and prosperity!

2020 Vision for us all!!!!!