The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My knee replacement surgery was Tuesday. I was discharged Wednesday PM. Technically was done as an outpatient surgery. Was not nearly as painful as my September total hip replacement. No leg lengthening this time, so didn’t suffer the same muscle and nerve damage. Whole right thigh is still numb from the hip surgery. I won’t lie, knee replacements hurt. The block wore off by Thursday, but I have slept right through bedtime pain medication doses two nights in a row. The one thing I am being religious about, is taking pain medication before going to the therapy center. Actually wish I could split the pain pills, but as they are coated, no can do.
We had a lovely meal dropped off by the local neighborhood association, such a sweet gesture by our local neighbors. I did the same meal prep ahead, lots of cooked food ready to thaw and heat. Good thing I bought things like the Peapod mat, feminine hygiene products. I can’t get up and out of bed for fast potty trips these days. The no rinse bath cloths are a great way to clean myself, as I have a drain in the wound still. Was surprised that they instruct you to remove your own tube, throw all away seven days post op. Thought anything stuck into the body was a biohazard. Apparently not so. Hubs drove me to therapy today, seems he is not having so much anxiety these days. He is scared to death he might have to assist with bathing, bandaging, things like that. I just take care of all that stuff, easier for me. But the squeamish thing does make it hard.
Hope all had a restful holiday, and did some self care. So important to do, so we can care for our family members. I’ve cut way back on my online time, so as to be more supportive and less needy. Giving me a calmer disposition too. I am trying to be more measured and deliberate, when I do respond to others.
Have a good evening, All, and a good weekend.

Barb,
You will be missed. 💔
There is hope that you will visit us at times.

I was in tears when Garden Artist had left, another long time poster well respected. However, she has returned after an absence, long ago.

So I will hold out hope for you also. Your vacation is well deserved.
Thanks for supporting everyone! 🐦 Be free happy caregiver!

Glad,

You could have your own botanical garden! Who is that guy on television that does that garden show? Can’t remember his name. I want to say it’s initials. Going to drive me crazy. I have to google it now. Grrrrrr. But you know the one. I think people can actually tour his home. He may be in Arkansas or something. He has these elaborate gardens. You could do something like that! With your garden? Heck, yeah! You put me to shame with your skills.

I used to watch Victory Garden a lot. Loved the gardens and the cooking segment with the fresh veggies too.

Wait, I think that guy’s last name is Allen. Does that ring a bell? Someone fill in his name if you know it before I can google it. He does craft segments too. The other day he built a little serving tray from a picture frame. It was cute. Kind of like Clinton Kelly did on the cooking show, The Chew.

Just googled it, P. Allen Smith.

Barb, Yay!

Enjoy your vacation!🍷👍🏻🕶🌴🌞

glad you are still here Barb!!!!! I think we were all feeling a huge loss there for a minute. Enjoy your vacation!

I'm here. Just need to be much less active for now. Going on a long vacation in a few days; no worries.

Yes her user is back but with a picture someone else just used and no way to respond.

I think when you delete your account that your id goes anonymous but your comments remain.

She didn’t change her name herself, we have to email the mod and request a new name and the name change literally happened moments after she said “tacy you’ve done me in”. Her name went anonymous because she clicked the “delete account” link on her profile settings. Is it true her whole profile is gone? Because her comments have disappeared and so did a message she sent me and it wasn’t deleted by her because we don’t have that ability.

editing to add—her user ID is back! It’s no longer anonymous.

Barb's name and wall is still there, she's deleted her profile and made all her settings private though. She had mentioned she was thinking about leaving before all this kerfuffle, this was probably the nudge that did it.

I don't know - when you delete your account does everything go? I'm not going to try it to find out!

I just hope she checks in at some point or I will be very sad indeed.

Really wrong of AC to delete all past messages from Barb. What an extreme version of censorship!!

I saw her on Tacy's good bye thread the other day and it looked like she had maybe changed her name to anonymous and a number. It may have been a temporary thing. Not sure.

Someone on another thread asked where Barb is. Does anyone know?

This group thing I've enrolled in is grueling. The only thing I can equate it to is imagine picking at a scab deep down in the cellar of your soul, it starts to bleed, you immediately try to self protect, the scab starts to form again and then before you know it it's group night and you are picking at the scab again.

Tonight was especially tough. I keep telling myself "it will all be worth it in the end" Please God, let it be so!

Glad, I remember you planting a lot of bulbs. Please keep us posted on the outcome.

I am still amazed at how I am now accepting to go with the flow and let things be in certain situations.

I learned my mother has coverage for in home care for podiatrist. I was also told that on the computer my mother does not have a health care proxy. I know that errors of omission are common when inputting things on computer. I will get on the podiatrist visit and will go down there when I am free and see what the status is on the proxy.I am quite sure my narcissistic sister relenquished her claim to power.

So far my mother's last visit was in September. My slither cancel the one I made in November and was a no show for January. Which is why i called, there are no further pending appointments. Now I have to check to see if she has had recent refills on her pressure medication.

I pray for wisdom and understanding and strengh for those of us in dysfucntional families.

Sometimes I wish my job was to return Karma.

Anyways keep smiling. Hold on and persevere on your love and care for your loved one, and be sure to be just as good or better to yourselves.

Rays of love and wisdom, Good Night.

Yup, out watering new plants that were put in last summer. It has been so dry here no snow in a month. All those bulbs I planted, a few are confused and coming up already. You would think the crocus or squills, nope, I think maybe a few daffodils.

Rays of love, light and wisdom to everyone. Good night.

Sissisu, Don't Even Think About It!!!!! That guilt is thing is programed into us and that is how we are easily manipulated into accepting the abusive behavior. Please please please do not do that to yourself. Moving your mother in would be your worse nightmare. I have seen it posted so many times as a very very bad decision.

I feel for you and your situation with your mom, be strong but Do not move her in your home, your sanctuary, your peace.

Golden, thanks, sorry to hear about the chest congestion. I have chest issues from the world trade center and I started using NAC n-acyetylcystiene. The pulmonary specialist last year saw improvements in my lung scan last year. It helps with mucus which is my issue with any irritation to my lungs it getts severe and is so hard and long to get rid of. I have been taking it for years and my cold episodes are less often and less severe. I take daily when I remember one thousand miligrams. If I get congestion I may take 2,000 twice daily.

So today I realize my mother is moving to another stage with the dementia. I am not a geriatric specialist and I realize my breakdown last week was a subconcious morning of losing my mother. I always have a big cry each and every time I see a part of her diminsish over the past few years. I didnt realize it for what it was.

I am also so sad for the family of Kobe Bryant a famous and retired basketball player, who was killed in a helicopter incident with his 13 year old daughter. The news was so very sad and lingers in my heart.

I found a cat litter box I thought had been thrown out years ago in the back room on my floor. It was in the bathroom and every time I would take it out and plan to fix up the bathrooom my sister would put it back. Being my mothers house I asked her to tell my sister to keep it on the floor she was on and my mother acted like she didnt know what I was talking about (of course she wouldnt tell her protege to do anything for me).

Well, my mother in her dementia pulled that litter box filled with litter and cat poop in the hall and next thing I know it was gone. I just assumed my sister saw it and threw it out because I didnt see it. she had bought a new one and put it in back room on top floor and left that one in the bathroom. I was twisted about it.

Anyways I found the box, in the back room and I was livid to see it full of poop covered in the room for at least a year. So I took it upstairs and put it in front of her door.

I expected some form of retaliation, and next day channel five on the tv was blocked with parental control. This has got to be illegal. Now there are only 3 stations on the tv channel 7 and 12. She doesnt even pay for the cable my nephew does or he uses my mother's money to pay it. Its really so sad.

So on my days off I will use a converter box while I am down there with my mother.

Meanwhile she is still roaming, and getting more irritated and active. I never know what I am going to find. They bring her large cups of coffee and I am starting to find the quilts and comforters hard with spills. Yesterday when I found a large wet spot on the bed but coffee cup was on tv table. I had just washed the quilt that I found hard in places from spills. Now I have to do the foam and a lovely velour spread my son sent from Korea.

Gershun, I hope you find the strength and wisdom to deal with the family toxicity.

I am still hurting, trying not to yearn and hope for what I thought was family. It was all a delusion and I blinded myself. I am so glad that my son has embraced some of those morals and values.

When I accepted that my slither and nephew where mentally ill and had no love for me in their hearts my life changed for the better.

It took me a while to realize and incorporate that my sister never cared about me, and that she is a narcissist. I think once you lose respect for a person its much easier to go no contact. I think its all about seeing them for who they are.
And believing it.

glad - how exciting that you are starting on the business plan, You are a going concern! A disorganized instructor will be very frustrating. Hope you get from it what you need. Saw on another thread you were watering plants. Yikes -we still have a couple of feet of snow, but, thankfully, very decent temps for this time of year -around the freezing point and a little below.

Hi all, kinda detaching a lot lately. So many threads are just so frustrating to read, especially those that the OP just cannot face reality, and is certain that they know everything about everything.

And I have been working on the business stuff too. Started on the business plan this weekend. I think the class will be ok, but the instructor is very, very, disorganized. Enough to drive me nuts. He will think that he has saved links to online videos, but they are not there. Powerpoint presentations that are on plain white paper, not very creative at all. We will see.

Thanks!

Neither of those but more like this one which talks about toxic families and scapegoats.

http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/Cutting-Family-Ties.html

Does this title sound like the article? I found it online?

Scriptures Related to Family Violence and Abuse for Christians

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/56707ec07086d761fddcf227/t/56d507f720c6470d703fa310/1456801803813/Scriptures+Related+to+Family+Violence+and+Abuse.pdf

Found another article.

Would Jesus go no contact?

https://kimsaeed.com/2014/07/07/would-jesus-go-no-contact/

Thx gershun. I surely hope the group helps. It was a Christian article which which gave me scriptural basis for protecting myself from family abuse by distancing/detaching/ going no contact.I had been aware of bits and pieces here and there but this article put it together very well for me. I wish I had saved it. When things get circular and you get clobbered with the brass ring you know you are stuck.

Alazrielle - what a nightmare!. It sounds like mil's brain is pretty broken. Have you been to your local agency for aging to get ideas from them? CPS no doubt would not see a home with mil in it as suitable for special needs children. I hope you get disability and medicaid for her and can place mil in a facility suited to her level of need.

Sometimes there has to be a medical crisis before an uncooperative person can be placed. If you ever have any need to call EMS or an ambulance for her have er taken to ER for an assessment then refuse to take her back home with you on the basis that you not able to give her adequate care - you are spinning too many plates. The discharge planner at a hospital can find her a placement.

Some here have taken a person for a "visit" to the facility of choice (pre-arranged with staff) and left them there, (S)he gets upset but staff handles it and they settle in eventually.

Good luck with all of this. It seems it has to get worse before it gets better. Let us know how you make out. Venting and getting support helps. You sound totally overloaded. (((((((hugs))))))

Kitties are good. Seems we have the litter box issue sorted - now to stop the furniture scratching. I have to be more regular with spraying. Pumpkin does not use the scratching post at all. I wonder if there is an alternative.

Had a phone call from a very nice revenue Canada lady about my delinquent taxes. I told her my story (106!!! - gasp) and that I was just getting onto them, She said she would call me in a month. Works for me. Once they are done and the estate is finished I won't know what to do with myself. Not having to focus on mother, which I have had to do all my life, or protect myself from my sister (another life long project) I sort of feel in limbo. It feels good in some ways and in other ways is a challenge. All part of life after narcissism.

Actually I know what I have to do - get ready for selling this house and moving south.

Alazrielle, try to find a way to get MIL out of the house during the day, a seniors centre or adult day care. Make it nonnegotiable.

Try a caregiving support group. A place to vent and get ideas. I know you are already going to say your stretched too thin as it is with daily tasks. But it's a way to destress. Vent, maybe a laugh or 2. Maybe get ideas of what to do with her. Find better coping skills & ideas.

If you ever watched the show mom on tv about a bunch of ex alcoholics; they became friends and helped each other cope. Checked in with each other, and keep their spirits up. Good luck.

Alezrielle,

Sounds like a nightmare. I’m so sorry. Hugs.

MIL is driving me CRAZY! I remember her house while my husband and I were dating. Her kids got placed in foster care because it was always so dirty. Since she moved in, it's been hard to clean as often as I used to. Most days, we are out of the house. I used to set aside Monday and Tuesday for chores. But those days are now for running errands with her, trying to figure out her health insurance, taking her to doctors, etc. Wednesday through Friday are for my kids' various appointments. My son sees 6 different doctors, my youngest sees 4. Today, she was trying to sweep the breakfast crumbs with her feet. She was using her feet because she's lost three brooms in the past two months and I just can't afford to keep buying new ones. She went off on me, lecturing me about how she would never let her house get this messy, how much of a terrible housekeep I am, how I should just let her do all the cleaning because she could do it better. I would LOVE the help, but I learned early on that she just isn't capable of doing it. Her idea of cleaning is picking something up and asking me where to put it, over and over. And I can't just tell her, I have to show her. So it's pretty much me cleaning, but more stressful. Or, she throws everything away. All of our Tupperware has disappeared since she moved in, among other things. Because if she doesn't know what it is or where to put it, she puts in the trash can. Today, I was trying to do some recreational therapy with my daughter when MIL started on the floor. I felt like I was going to lose it. I have tried to find other things to occupy her, but she turns down EVERY idea. She won't color, sew, crochet, knit, sculpt, watch TV, do puzzles, do crosswords, word searches, brain teasers, Sudoku, games on her phone, cook, play with toys, do crafts.... I was really proud of myself for staying calm and pleasant until lunch. I'm in the middle of making everyone lunch, myself, her, and my daughter. I've got two pots on the stove and my daughter is having a sensory issue with her clothes at the same time. I was already feeling a little frantic and she started yelling about how I never let her clean anything. It was too much. I yelled at her. I told her if she didn't like the way the rest of the house looked she could go and just stay in her room. Now she's moping, and I know it'll only get worse. She'll progress to full on wailing by the time the sun sets and none of us, children included, will get any sleep. I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I am praying constantly that the SSA approves her disability and Medicaid and that I can get her placed somewhere else.

"Part of me wonders if she came here on a trial basis, would that help at all? I doubt I could get her to agree to any rules, but maybe it's worth a shot?"

No, to both questions. Sissisu, please do not listen to that part of you.