The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Another stop by update.

My wife's doctor has cleared her knee replacement leg for full weight and outpatient PT. She's walking with a cane at home and thus will use her walker in other places for the next 6 weeks of PT. This is a good change for both of us after her time in rehab and several weeks home bound.

I've also been busy helping her identical twin sister get things in order for her retirement in June for earlier she was about to make some big mistakes. My wife is glad that I could help her. I'm glad that I friendship is strong enough that she would let me help her.

I learned that her light for seasonal affective disorder is broken. SAD is what people have when they find themselves depressed during the winter months because of a lack of sunlight. It is diagnosable from bipolar because it is a seasonal change, not a bipolar mood swing which she has as well. I found one with high ratings that was on sale, bought it for her from Amazon and had it mailed to her house. She wanted to pay me back, but I told her it was a gift.

She is a walking miracle of having survived stage 4  Endometrial cancer back when it was found in 2001. Duke Hospital treated her with the usual and an experimental treatments. She does have complications from the treatments which can and do make daily living rather challenging at times. As a survivor of my own near death experience, I feel a special bond with her.

My frozen left shoulder is much better. I'm cutting back to PT once a week and exercising twice a week.

Well, that's all folks!

Thanks for asking Golden. Heading to the city today to buy a industrial sewing machine. Then maybe a place I have found that has knitting machines and manufactures custom binding.

NHWM, I feel like I have lost my marbles, many times.

Duck, I am reading, not responding often any more. Stay strong. Have you made decision to not seek guardianship of mom?

Oh yes, GA. I loved marbles. Yes, Cat’s cradle was fun too!

Cat's cradle.

CWillie and NeedHelpWithMom,

Didi you play with marbles?   strings?  I recently had to look up how to make those string creations - I remember holding the string between two hands and winding it, but couldn't remember anything more.

I still have some marbles; I love their colors.

Cwille,

I played Bunko too. Also played Po-Keno.

What was you favorite childhood game? Keep in mind that I am 64. I loved Jax, Pick up sticks, Tiddlywinks, Operation, Chinese checkers, checkers, any card games, hop scotch, barrel of monkeys, and a million more!

Bunco! I had almost forgotten that game, it used to be very popular a social events when I was young. I'm turning 60 this spring too and I have some bad news for you Stacey, we've been on the downhill side of middle age for a decade already (unless of course you are planning to live to 120) 😂.

Good to hear from you, Stacy. Happy Birthday!

HI guys. I'm still here. Popping on to read the recent comments, unfortunately I don't have a lot to offer as I am no longer in the Parental Caregiving role, but do know that I Love you all and wish you nothing but the best in your struggles with your parental care issues!

Life for us is going along nicely, and we are having some Gorgeous Spring weather, but we know that it will not last, so hubby taking advantage of this beautiful day and cleaning out the shed today.

He keeps bringing in items that I haven't seen in nearly 2 years, which we packed up when we were "downsizing" and preparing our house for sale. So now the pile of knicky-knacky"s is accumulating on my kitchen island, waiting for it's new home, somewhere in our new place. New Place, we have been here nearly a year now, where does the time go?

We are also preparing a photo gallery wall of family pictures, all in new black frames, a gift from my Daughter for Christmas, it's all coming along! I will need to buy another pack (12) or two of same frames to get it all done, but it is a fun project and will look nice when it is all finished!

I turned 60 on the 16th, 60!!!, OMG. It is another Monumental Birthday that I despised (30 was the worst), but all my sisters, cousins, my Daughter and many of my girl niece's surprised me at our monthly BUNCO party, and I was shocked by their kindness and for all of the lovely gifts I recieved from them! I will say, that many of the prezzies were skin care anti-aging products, and Boy do I ever need them, lol! It will be fun to see which ones work to turn around some of this stress related wrinkles that have surfaced on my face and neck due to Caregiving and moving in the past few years, and let's not talk about the grey hair, Ugg, We will see how they work!

My kids all came to celebrate my big day, with more prezzies and treats, so all in all, a great day, it's just difficult to believe that I'm on the downhill side of middle aged, Ugg! My sisters and I were all chatting about how our Mom and her 3 sisters looked So Much Older than we 4 now look at this same stage of our lives, but maybe it is just wishful thinking, and we are just Kidding ourselves. Lol! Luckily I am the youngest of the 4! Whoo-Hoo!

So just a little update, and wishing you all the best! Love to you all! Stacey

Hi duck - many of the regular posters of a year or more ago don't come to AC any more, as far as I can see. And perhaps others post elsewhere.

Yes it is same old same, old for sure.

I am not surprised you get frustrated at the messes you find, Good for you in persisting with your clean-ups. I can't imagine someone locking someone else's bathroom. Your are right about needing to get past expecting "reasonable". Keep smiling!

glad - how's the coat business doing?

We have had some very cold weather again but are back to single digits (centigrade) above and below freezing which is much better.

The couple of weeks here have been a time of reflection for me on the more recent past and the distant past with some not so pleasant memories and emotional pain bubbling up. I guess it is better out than in. It has made me wonder if not cutting contact with family years ago was the right decision. Oh, well. Can't be changed now.

Take care all. Be good to you.

Hi Duck,

Just saying hello to you. You’ve been busy!

Wow! No posts since my last post! Where is everybody!!

Well greetings everyone. I hope you are all in a good place. And loving and treating yourselves well.

Okay so I read this post on facebook with something like. Keeping quiet and how if they didnt respect your love in the first place what makes you think they will hear your words.

Same situation here, just different days. I like to say sosdd. same ole sh different day.

Lately I have been dreaming of deceased people and also confronting my slither about who she is, blocking television stations, not doing anything.

I still get twisted about the situation with my mother everytime I see a coffee spill or a can sitting somewhere for three days that one or the other bought in half full. Or some paper glue to the floor with coffee. Or I find an old molded something or another wrapped up in paper that they bring in from subway or advertisments; when I move something and find a bunch of old garbabage and when I see a large mcd coffee cupp in fridge, cabinet behind toilet or in a bag stinking with stuffed tissue.

Frustration is still there. Sometimes I pride my self on not expecting. Im just sick and tired cleaning my mess, my mother's mess, their mess and the mess that their solutions cause. I constantly find things wrapped in paper and stuffeed in pillow cases. Not to mention the mice. I am the only one who searches and change the bed looking under mattresses both the foam and the sofa bed. Its crazy and painful.

Oh the main reason I am posting is that I finally got the lock on the door to shed paid guy working in house accross the street. The wood is gone between the walls because of water damage. He says the whole thing need to be changed. Then I take him upstairs to look at lock my sick nephew and slither put on the bathroom door on my floor. He says he couldnt do anthing with it and then started bumping it open, it gave and he just broke it in. So that is done. Yay!! The sad thing is I am now anticipating retaliation and maybe that is why I am so pissed enough about dreaming about checking my slither about her regular mode of operation -spite. So I really have to stay in prayer and be mindful of my reactions to whatever comes because in my dream I was so upset I couldnt even speak. Just a dream but sometimes they play out for me. Im not trying to go to jail she nor he are worth it.
'
So I pray and try to smile and project positivity. Deep down I know their day is coming. Yet I cant help but stupidly wonder if they see their wrong and neglect. Today and Yesterday no one bought her anything. I normally see a coffee cup or tea. It pisses me off. I wish I could just feel okay to not bring nothing in for my mother when I come or leave out.. Silly me. If I could just get past I mean truly expecting anything reasonable or right from them!

So there is a lot of work to do. I will clean enough around my cooking area and fix us a good meal and then do my laundry and try and to some damage control in my room.

Rays of peace and love and wisdaom to all. Do smile. It does work and comes back like threefold. It feels good :)

Greeting!
I will take seriously consider not accepting guardianship if it comes to that. Thank you all (Barb, Glad, Golden) for wisking me back to earth. It makes sense.

AZsun, welcome aboard. You have come to the right place. Keep posting and venting its the whole purpose of the thread and the icing on the cake is the wonderful, wise souls with beautiful hearts who share and give such awesome advice. Sometimes it may hurt, growing pains Smh.

This thread saved my sanity and helped me in so many ways words cant explain. I learned about narcissism, and from there started accepting truths I had not acknowledge. I am still growing and learning and open to learning. This caregiving is not for punks and witnessing the demise of a loved one is heartrending. I stay in prayer and thank God for the people who come here and share their experience and pain and the wonderful advice and sharing of knowledge and wisdom.

Happy Valentines day to all you wonderful folks out there in AC land.

Rays of love light and wisdom to all. Seep tight!!! SMILE!!!!!

Don't know, but I do know that her page is still here and you can message her. That's all.

Where is Sharyn? Anyone know?

duck - read your own post. In it you have written enough to make it unwise for you to consider guardianship. The "games" with your family would escalate, I suspect and your emotional recovery would be jeopardized not to speak of your health due to the stress. I think in your particular case an impartial person would be better.

azsundog - welcome - I cant imagine 6 months with my narc mother (who has passed) and then having her live close. Going no contact for a month was a wise thing for you to do. "She can turn sad news of a friend’s death into how she’s misunderstood." Sorry but I laughed at that, Mother could have done the same. It was always about her and how she was mistreated, And your husband is declining and you have that to deal with. Much too much but you are setting boundaries. I know it is so tiring when someone pushes them all the time. Come back and let us know how you are and vent some more if you need to. ((((((hugs)))))

glad - have fun. You are very enterprising. Hope you are enjoying the course.

On a trip south having a break In the week before my dgd came to stay a few days as they had another incident. I have a little more insight into her behavior. She cried her eyes out a couple of times - once for a very minor reason. We are beginning to wonder if she has borderline personality disorder like my mother had. The kitties are changing their schedule/habits so I am having to be innovative to accommodate them, and a cousin of my ex's died - someone I had some connection to - so I am feeling loss. In dealing with these things and packing for the trip I was up and down stairs innumerable times, (kitties in the basement, dgd on the upper floor) to the extent that I pulled a ligament in my knee. The good news is that I suffered no fm pain and cfs fatigue from being so busy. My knee is healing so I am hopeful that better days are ahead re being able to be more active. Mother's final taxes are being done - that should wind up the estate. I got my back taxes in, so things are rolling along. I have told my dd that as long as I am there any of them can come and stay. If things are strained, if there are incidents (dgd loses her cool and lips off at her mother and can get pretty nasty), I will take dgd off their hands for a week or so at a time. She affects her family more than she affects me. She does't lip off at me. Or if it works better dd and dgs can come and stay. So the house is busy with musical beds again.

So it is a busy time but productive.

Take care all. Look after yourselves. (((((((hugs))))))

A yearly benefit coming up for the college here, where I am in the entrepreneurship program. You would think that they would talk in class about the benefit of donations to a community function like this. I was the first to inquire.

I probably have 70-80 coats here, maybe more. Am donating three, ordered business cards today. Mom did such a good job with this there are photos, flyers, you name it, it's here. At one time her garments were in about 500 stores across the country. Here we go, will see how it goes. May have to have a basement sale.

OMG. Do I need this thread.
My hubby had a stroke three years ago & was left with memory & cognitive deficits. In the past year, hypoxia from end stage emphysema has made him worse. He speaks in pronouns & is child-like. He never was able to return to work & just retired.
Although my folks lived 90 minutes away, I’d only seen them twice in four years. My mom is an extreme narcissist & mean as a snake. I couldn’t put myself through it anymore.
Dad died a year ago so I brought her to AL in this city. She’s nearly blind & dad did everything. Spending six months with her to get her house packed put me on the edge of a breakdown. Six months of being terrorized just by her presence all over again. And now she’s in the same city. She goes thru constant manipulations to try to get me over there as much as possible. I finally did a month of no contact & saved my life.
I have two brothers, one in the same state. I have a lot of friends & good support system. Everyone knows her toxic behavior so no one wants to be around her & subject to constant abuse. She never had friends in her life & now wonders why no one visits. All she talks about is people telling her she’s beautiful. She can turn sad news of a friend’s death into how she’s misunderstood.
Gaslighting Queen. I really don’t like seeing it up close & personal again. I set boundaries tho the manipulation attempts continue. I stick to minimal contact & don’t enjoy that.
And all this time my hubby is getting sicker. I’m currently trying to take the keys from him. I don’t believe he has the cognitive skills to drive anymore. He’s reactionary & argumentative. Last time I tried to get a life, he forgot he’d dropped me off at yoga. I’ve since learned to get used to weirdness like that.
Main point is thanks for letting me vent. So thanks for the topic!

Duck, how would you be able to enforce anything at all in your mothers house? Wouldn't Sis change the locks and prevent a home attendant from coming in? What would you do then?

You'd have a lot of responsibility, including financial. I wouldn't do it.

Duck, just say no. An impartial between you and slither and nephew would be better for all.

And not even really an impartial, but someone solely looking out for what is best for mom.

Lol, thanks Glad and Golden. Yes I remember my advice to siss. I hit the brakes hard.


Don't Shoot, please bear with me for a second. . Wouldnt it be better for a family member to take over than for the city even if its a pain. All I see is getting her a home attendant, things done in the house, and therapy for the legs, and needed medical services. The control and the false sense of authority will be taken from my slither and nephew, and she get proper care and attention.

Thanks for making me stop and look and seek.

Meanwhile I have been on a constant mission not to become like my mother and slither and nephew. Prayer to not feed into retaliation and a need for vengence on the many violations and offenses I have received from them both.

My no contact continues, but events continued. N threw out my draino 2 bottles, one was expensive kind.that I use to make mouse poison and two pans. ( I mix driano with peanut butter. It works If i keep it regular.) Anyways on my way back up 2 flights to get the draino I just happened to take up last week these thoughts of smearing his picture with the draino ( Him in Police uniform) was heavy on my mind. I was feeling again insulted and disrespected and feeling like enough was enough. I pray and fought the impulse.

This was a thrusday. I have made a new routine of sleeping in on Thurdays I dont set foot outside. sleep late and cook. I have the meadls changed to come on friday. So I get up early cook, do damage control do laundry and then I can just sleep late Sat. my last day and tie up loo0se ends or chill.

So this thursday when I take trash from the damage control I see my N has also moved two trash small trash bags and placed them on the threshold of the door. So when I open door and see this I was like the MF done lost his mind, who does he think he is. Throwing out my stuff and now this. Understand that this was one of my mothers signature moves when she was able to think,Put what ever the subject was in a place where you could not not see it.

jWell!! Praying and knowing I was wrong and asking forgivness during and after, I took this daino I just happend to take up stairs last week and fed my oringinal impluse to put draino on his picture. All I could see was how they took my son's military picture off wall years ago, and his family picture off fridge door and put his picture in place. So I feed into this impulse and felt like sh$%$ right after. I had been so proud of not feeeding into the madness and blocking my blessings and their due karma.

Anyways Thank God, the picture was safe. I had already leftr the bag on the door threshold for three days and was not going to move it unless it was where I had placed it. So the bag was placed back where I had left it and I threw It out. Then today I noticed that he had cleaned out the trash and junk from behind the tv stand! Now I would set poison back there and traps so I guess I caught a critter and he got it and cleaned out the space. I saw used gloves in hall. dont know why he didnt throw them away. But anyway I am so glad that Wrong did not proper and block the positive things that happened.

I have learned my lesson and remember all the turmoil when I gave into my need for revenge and spiteful retaliation. So glad and happy thank God.

I hope everyone is well and taking good care of themselves and smiling.

Rays of love, light and wisdom to all. Sleep tight.

Great progress, yoda.

Yoda,

So glad that your wife is progressing well with healing after her knee surgery. That is good news. My hat is off to physical and occupational therapists. They do wonderful work with patients.

Another update on my wife following knee replacement surgery January 4 plus 10 days in rehab.

After three weeks of being house bound, today's X-ray looked good.and the doctor said that my wife can now put 50% weight on that leg. He will have another x-ray done on the 17tth with hopes that she can start out[patient PT the next day with 100% on that leg. This is great progress!

Right now, she will get home PT as she has gotten for the past 3 weeks. I've also been busy helping her sister with some financial issues and other issues related to her retirement in June.

Jasmina -I understand your discomfort at being essentially dismissed from the appraisal process. I don't think it appropriate for the appraiser to exclude you. You are the administrator of the will and have a responsibility to deal with such things, Let him know if he wants to be paid he deals with you. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

duck - do you remember your advice to sissisu? If I were in your position I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Please, as glad says, think very hard about it.

Back in the big chill again, but warmer tomorrow. The weeks of warmer weather in the middle of the winter make a huge difference. Had some aching but no pain thank goodness. Here's to spring coming soon this year.

Take care, all.

Duck, think long and hard about becoming guardian. Your situation is so dysfunctional I wouldn't touch it. Just say no.

Jasmina, what about contacting another appraiser? And don't bring up the lawyer.

I will admit, I am a very suspicious person. Do you think there is a chance that there is something there of value? Maybe attorney is in cahoots with the appraiser. I just stop and think about Antiques Roadshow and the things that people bring in that they think are worth nothing but then appraised for lots of money.

Just this week, a man from North Dakota, I think brought in a Rolex that he purchased while overseas in the service. Granted a Rolex, but it had something very special and unusual about it. All the paperwork and a special model that he has kept in safety deposit box and not worn. The appraised value? 500-750K!

It is strange that the appraiser would want to talk to attorney.

Barb, enjoy your vaction.

Golden, always such good advice, you are such a blessing.

Glad, please keep updating on garden send pics!

Girl, I am so happy for your successful knee surgery, wishing you all be best and Godspeed.

I got another call from APS he states I should be hearing from them soon. He says they will try and make someone guardian before they take it on. I am willing to do that even though I dont want the responsibility. Thing is either way I will be doing the usual work.

I hope all is well with everyone, Sleep tight, Good night. Rays of love and wisdom.

Jasmina, I think once the appraiser heard that there was a lawyer involved, he realized that this was no longer a CYA situation where he could simply write that there was nothing of value. The appraiser is now covering HIS posterior.

I don't think this is personal in any way. Did you tell your lawyer that you were hiring this particular appraiser? They might have needed to communicate beforehand so that the appraiser could find out exactly what the lawyer needed in this particular situation.

((((Hugs)))). I know you've been through a lot with your sister dropping the ball and trying to clean up the mess she left.

I have a question for all of you who read this thread. My parents are deceased now. I was made administrator of the will. I had to get an appraiser out to parents place. So I call. I tell him I dont think much is of value.
So appraiser shows up and walks around barely interested in anything. Asks how I heard about him. I said thru lawyer. I said I need an apprasial just a cya kind of thing. Didnt think there was much of value there. He discounts most of what I said the whole time. Treats me like I'm barely there.
After he heard about my lawyer all he wanted to do was get out of there to contact him. He said he and my lawyer need to discuss this, and HE will be discussing my business. He needs to inform my lawyer of things. I said he doesnt need to, He only needs to do an appraisal for me. Completly dismissed me like I didnt exist.
I asked for an appraisal for ME. I have to pay for it. Why is he going over my head to contact my lawyer? There is nothing for him to discuss. I told him that was my business and I can talk to my lawyer myself without his help. I dont need him to interject himself in my business. Just write an appraisal or say nothing of value here to appraise. He only looked at 2 cars and said they might be of value. That's it. I felt very dismissed and discounted like I was a little kid. Like he was using me as an excuse to run and suck up to my lawyer, so the big boys could talk about me. I was so upset after he left. He treated me like I was 12yrs old. Like the men needed to handle my situation.
Never explained how appraisals go. How much he charged. Nothing. How were other peoples appraisals handled. I was under the impression he just wrote it up and you meet and pay for it. Thanks

Thanks for the support, Golden. I agree, each person benefits from observing personal safety. Whatever it takes to get to that place"

NoTryDoYoda, sorry your wife is having issues with the wife’s knee replacement. Hopeful she will continue healing. Restricted weight bearing is so hard. My first three hip surgeries, over 20 years ago, I was non-weight bearing over 2 1/2 months, each time. Spent a lot of time out of my life using crutches. Have been on a cane over 20 years, due to multiple destroyed joints. Now using a rollator, once again, post-op, so I can take food, beverage from kitchen counter to sit down. And, I need the seat part of the rollator for pet care, rolling food dishes to place where I feed them. The neighborhood gal who helped me last surgery is coming to help me once again. I hate spending money to hire assistance, when it’s stuff the spouse could easily do, but won’t. As far as being mistreated when I’m sick, or pos-op, it only took one time for a neighbor to take me to a doctor appointment, for the embarrassment to pull him back in line, suck it up, and drive me to appointments without complaint. Friday he drove me to PT, showed him where to go to park, large orthopedic complex, several buildings in a campus-like setting. And showed him the back parking lot exit, to get out onto the correct street, to not have to deal with the one-way exits, putting us going wrong way for freeway access.