The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Duck, did you get a new court date? APS was there they saw the conditions so it is on record and documented. What are you hoping the outcome to be? I wish you the best through it all. It is a crazy situation, for sure. Hold onto your seat, you will soon be there. If anything comes up that you think requires emergency intervention call APS and they can do what is warranted quickly.

What are your plans at the end of it? Hopefully, it will not drag on forever.

I hope everyone is fine. I am not caught up at all but it looks as if this forum has been deserted. I hope not but then there is always the Whine line which is where I made my beginnings.

Anyways I hope this post finds you all in good spirits. On the surface I am good but deep down I am really a nervous wreck until this court date. I am so very frustrated that I am having panic attacks again.

Since the notification from the courts Ihave witnessed a lovely show of concern for my mothers surroundings. Besides buying new pillows the first week, which still do not have pillow cases, (do the whole shabang is my thing) there are signs of someone cleaning, no let me correct myself my nephew is doing some minor cleaning. Its noticeable to me because I have been the only one doing anything to keep the environment half ways decent. So I am insulted when I see a new this or that because its for show or for a visit from the hired lawyer. The exact thing they spitefully accuse me of.

I just hope and pray that the judge and powers that be see through the facade. I know so deep down but then I have seen how easily they manipulated others into believing I am a monster.

I am bracing for retaliation and will be documenting everything. My mother deserves better. Its sad to adjust to being locked in and the loneliness and to see the reprecussions.

Last week I saw my nephew take back a bag he bought her from mcdonalds then witness how my twisted doesnt even bring her anything9 not even the tea or croissant she just started doeing maybe sixmonths ago ) when I am off. Its sad because sometimes I dont come down until late and see how she has ravaged what ever in in fridge or cabinet, made a mess trying to fix something.. Anyways it gets overwhelming to see the deterioation progress, not being able to hear my self think sometimes because she gets loud and repetitive talking to imaginery people or family.

Everyone please be careful with this crazy virus pandemic. Its getting crazy.

Good nite to all, sleep tight. Rays of love and light.

Here's another update.

My wife can now put her full weight on the leg where the knee was replaced. She walking with a walker most places and with a cane at home. She's been getting out patient PT and has made a lot of progress. The PT told her today that in 2-3 weeks she will likely be walking without a cane. He is glad for her improvement and her flexibility is great. She just needs to work on strength now.

Here's something that I wrote and thought I'd lost, but I found it today. I would include many of you here as well as others on people AC on other threads who have provided me grace moments!

Very early and for 24 years since, my Lutheran friend, Tom, has been a means of God’s grace in my life even in times when it was our friendship that was the thread that I held onto in the midst of those trials.

This was also true of the people on the power lifting team that I was on in Spring Hope; Jenean my TKD instructor and her daughters (Ashley & Megan) who helped me and the boys a lot; my SIL, Debra, with whom I became closer; my high school friend, Marlowe, and her husband, Robby, who let me visit whenever I needed to and even put me up in their house for a few nights; the people of the Gibson Memorial UMC charge who understood and sought to help; reading various mental health books; experiencing the support of the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and their free Family to Family educational program; the continued support of my former TKD instructor, Jenean; going to Marlowe’s first piano concert; and discovering Spotify where I can listen to her music plus the Jesus music of the 70's and 80's which I think cannot be beat; and my step-sister apologizing for how her mother had treated me over the years.

Unfortunately, I've felt God's presence very seldom since going on disability. I think that this is why I like Marlowe's song, Your Presence Lord, so much. It is the only piece of her piano music in which she sings; We are brother in sister in Christ, and I also feel like that for 45 years in and since high school that she is the sister that I never had. I would say the same thing about Jenean who I have been friends with for 20 years now. This is also true of my God-sister, cousin Jackie, who I have known since we were little, 57 years ago. She has adopted me as her brother also after my dad, her Godfather, died. .

Barb, yes you are brutally honest and I appreciate it. Took a deep breath but was very eager for your input and thank you. One thing my nephew didnt know lawyer was there he just came by and when I tried to introduce him to speak with the lawyer he refused. He didnt speak to this lawyer at all or with the APS Mr. G.

And yes I would love for the courts to find them sinister. But them just taking the care out of their hands is a well needed check. My main concern is my mother and her care which I have no sayso in and which is not being properly addressed. I was just considering possiblitty of family court earlier today to deal with my sister and nephew.
=
The house is not so very bad a new sink, close in the holes behind sink externibnaor and a few other things are needed. its repairable within reason.

And yes I have considered the possibility of her being placed in 24 hour care. My thing is that she is cared for. I would look into rooms, I stayed in hotel temporarily before I moved into my apartment. I didnt care for it and it didnt last long. Also eventuially I plan to end up whereever my son settles down.

Most suggestions like the YMCA room, and things are still in my head as options.

Ive had my head stuck in the sand a long time. Once this whole situation plays out, I will still have major decisions to make. We cant get along and do whats right for my mother and someone needs to step in. Either way if she stays home or gets moved to a facility I will have some major decisions to make and I am chewing on everybit of food for thought you and everyone has taken the time to share or give input on.

You keep it real Barb, that exactly what I appreciate. I see quite a few agree with you also. I was never babied in my life.

I am just hoping for the best for my mother. I feel that things will work out for us both. Or maybe ......... a pipe dream? Anyways my perspective is open, definite on not taking guardianship if offered. Keeping hope alive for the best scenario.

Sleep tight all. I am off for a few. Kinda worn tired from this recent activity. Bracing myself for more and backlash so I will try and take it easy these days off. I had my tax papers delievered to job for same issues, so I willbe stressing on getting taxes done.

Ray of love and healing to all.

Hello,

I completely relate to what you are saying. There are many times I think that with my particular dysfunctional family member, things would be much better and easier if they were not part of the caregiving situation. They make things so much worse and at times are more difficult to deal with than my loved one with dementia. They really don’t caregive anyway and are the total opposite of the caregiving type. Everything with them is the most complicated thing and it takes forever to get a simple yes or no answer from them. Takes forever to decide what time I need to come over to help. That affects what I do for the day so leaving me hanging is disrespectful and unappreciative in my opinion. It’s hard to not become resentful when you feel like you’re being taken advantage of and used just because this particular dysfunctional family member doesn’t want to take care of our family member with dementia.

I’ve finally graduated down from my position as PCA for my parents. Though it breaks my heart. I really wanted to be an active part until the very end. However, while at peace with my decision to get out of the equation. I'm still not at peace.

My update!

Dad, out of the blue, developed a serious medical issue that shut his body down (still can’t explain the major blood clots he started passing). He got hospitalized and now rehabbing. But while he is away, mom is getting messed up. Every day when it is my time to work with mom she’s all over the place When others are there working she would sort of be fine (another long story). I started making unexpected visits.

Examples - doped up to the point where she could not participate in her own care, eat, excessive drooling, hard to wake, etc. Then the final week, she was given I believe (MOM) that caused (well you know). I struggled again to care for her with sister talking about I didn’t ask for help. Day two same thing but this time hospice got to see her condition. You should have seen sister trying to get mom to become alert before they showed up.

Needless to say sister told all kinds of lies about how she gave meds with me there to settle her stomach and sprite. Next minute she never gives meds because she does not know how and what is what. All lies and all kinds of other lies. Even told hospice she would not help me care for mom because I didn’t ask although she saw the struggle both days.

Hospice states they can’t just put anyone in a home and that all children would have to sign off. So now mom has two day workers and one night worker.

Second dilemma is dad is ready for home after being away almost a month. He doesn’t like rehab and says family is trying to put him out of the way before his death. He wants me to come and bring him home. I want him to get some rehab but not lose his outside help at home. He will lose if not back at home in 30 days and family knows this. He is not resting knowing mom home along with sister after the workers leave.

I don’t want him to lose out on his help and leave him in sister’s hand only. They both were also under hospice. Now that I’m not there, I don’t expect them to sign him back up with hospice and they are more than happyit seems to have him lose help because that would mean less people coming inside the home. 

I believe the house needs to be flooded with outsiders since nursing home is not an option and eyes need to be on both parents at all times since family will not agree to home and social workers claim family has to sign off or nothing.

I'm also looking into a way to hand over their income other than back in hands of the family.

I hope this post is in a great spot for help and input.

So how I'm doing? Still not at peace even after walking away!

Duck, you know that I am brutally honest with you, and I won't varnish what I'm going to say.

Your mother needs 24/7 care. You and your family are unable to provide this, in part because you all work and in part because you are all incapable of cooperating
This lack of cooperation is a legacy of your mother's long term dysfunctional behavior patterns.

(PS, if you are saying that your nephew, who is NYPD, checked to make sure that the gentleman who stopped by was indeed from the courts, I applaud that move. Have you been reading about all the real estate scams going on in Brooklyn? Folks claiming to be lawyers and other official types "stopping by" to gain entry into a home and getting unwitting elders to sign over their deeds? Better safe than sorry. Not rude, just careful.)

You seem to be interested in getting the courts to make some sort of pronouncement about your sister and nephew's culpability and evilness. They are not going to do that. They are going to determine whether your mother meets the criteria for competency and if she doesn't, they will appoint a permanent guardian. They may fix her up with 24/7 care at home, but given what you have said about the state of the house, I think that it FAR more likely that they will move her to a nursing facility. No home care attendant I know is going to put up with the rodent and vermin infestation you describe.

In your shoes, I would be looking for a place to live.

Ahhh, Duck. I have no idea how you have hung around for so long there. So much is just so bizarre. Hope the truth is discovered and you may finally be done with this.

Anybody know where to find rambouille sheep? Trying to get this lined up is frustrating. Having a hard time even getting organizations, that are to market wool and the farmers that produce it, to respond to me. Evidently so much manufacturing was moved out of the country there is just not much around any more. They are trying to get mills going again. So here I am. 😕🐑🐑🐑🐑🐑

But I have found contract sewing.🐱

I called the lawayer theis morning witha few questions and wonde3ring if theyt had agreed to see hime because it looked like they cleaned and set a smoke screen for someone.

He got back to me while i was in transit and informed me myt sister has obtained a lawyer and has requested anothger court date.

I pray with all my heart that their lies and schemes and deciet and manifpulation is exposed and justice prevails for my mother. I just dont think I could handle life if this evil, spiteful spirit of pretense and violations is not exposed.

I would appreciate any advice. I also plan to go to legal aid. The office move and Iwas able to track them down, now I have new address and off course a little more time now to get feed back and essential points in case.

I cant see in anyway how the neglect and neglicgence of my mothers needs, care and environment will not be obvious. Gods Justice will prevail. And I am sure the experience and wisdom of the court be forthwright.

I am exhausted, and anxious for this nightmare to end or at least the part where those two lose the grandiose, spiteful assumption of authority and entitlement.

Rays of love to all.

Hello everyone.

I have not caught up or read the last page on forum. I have been busy digging back my archive looking for past posts to print and present to job hopefully giving a valid history of the many violations and neglect of my mother.

The court date was set for early april. A court representative came by last week stating he was lawyer for my mother. Mr. F. Nice gentleman. Explained the situation. States another lawyer would be coming from court who is in the challengethe petition for the court. I tried my best to give update and history as to the situation. I feel like I left out so many pertinent detaills wishing I had kept a real journal as was suguested so very long ago on the forum.

So My DN comes in and again refuses to speak lto the lawyer and ran behind hime to validate again that he was from court and a lawyer for my mother. He stopped at gate and nodded no.

So when I leave out Sunday to go to work I find the tables in kitchen just stewn with things from containers, tea bags and junk from and old cake carrier turned upstide down to hold miscellaneous things on top of this monstrous dryier washing machin =combo that my sister bought to house that doesnt work. Anyways, it was suspicious because things were presented in a way that didnt seem like lmy mothers mess. I have been cleaning behind her dementia for years and it looked planned. Had I posted yesterday I would have been more clearer. But there was a container of 407 rat poison dug out of hiiddng place, opened with a tea bag in it. Also a pizza container with one slice of pizza like they just took everything they could find and make a dissaray and pictuer of danger. I didnt take a picture as I was trying to feedf my mother and shower to get out to work. I dont get much time to sleep and I come down aaround 330 and leave house or try to by 430. Okay so I grab a bag and toss all the mess in there salavageing what I could. Glad I put lock on shed door to keep my mother from the things I have to use.

Anyways when I come in this morning I see the loveseat which is usually missing its cusshions or has only one and sometimes my mother covers it with a big floor rug. I have bought green sheets to mathch color of ragged pillows seats. Any ways there is a brand new twin size sheet covering the love seat like dress up. My mind is saying here we go now. The courts are involved now they want to make everythging pretty like they did my mother hiding or refusing to address her dementia to her doctors for yuears, dressing her up and not addressing her needs and covering up the telll tale signs.

So am a tad pissed I look around for this pureple veour spread my son sent from korea which my mother loves. and which I had just washjed from spots of spilled coffee that they leave with her and deont monitor whether she drinks it or not. sometimes its black where they dont eveen take the time to doctor it. Anyway I find it in dinning room in chair thinking its weird because it didnt look like my mother had gotten up and started packing things like she does. So I put it on bed by her on the bed that is suprisingly neatly made. When I come down the velour to go to work I find two brand new pillows on lthe bed. Now mind you this is the very first and only time either one or both of them purchsased anything to beeautify or provide comfort or decency for my mothe3r since she started sleeping downstairs. Truth truth truth.

So I look for the velour spread and I find it on the dirty dinning room floor under junk and then whoever placed it put a stack of lamp shades of diffveernt sizes wheich hadve been laying in that corning forever with other jiunk. mice droppings and just dirt. I stopped trying a long time ago in that room. So why couldnt you do your good deed, or present your fake care without sabbotaoging something of mine or my son. Why when they have to step =up to the plate thaey have to destroy, throuw something of mine out or just sabatoge.

Glad,

Well, you have a starting place with a company to do the labor. Labor isn’t cheap. Don’t undersell your product.

It’s a lot of work but exciting too.

No I didn't but did find a company that sews on contract. I need to just slow down and not let this explode leaving me with no materials for garment construction. I still need to figure out the price to get one made.

Glad,

That’s a lot of fabric! My word! Did you get the sewing machine?

Yoda,

Wow! I had a bicycle accident too but I only had an open compound fracture on my arm. Nothing compared to you.

Glad you came through. Miracles do happen!

Wow, Duck! A court date, wonderful! Is it for exploitation, abuse? Filed by APS?

Kinda decided that I am not going to buy a sewing machine. But, have found someone that will do sewing for me, has a shop for that purpose. When the heck would I sew? I have to work too. There is so much fabric her a guess would be enough for 400-500 coats and I think that is a low estimate. At a coat a day it would take more than a year to sew up the fabric. Then there is the yarn, 8-10 cases of that for use in the blanket stitch machine. What have I gotten myself into?

Need to find a sheep farm that has merino sheep. I think there are a few in the state. Mom used to get her wool from New Zealand and Australia. Want to keep it in this country if at all possible.

Sleep tight everyone and be good to yourselves.

Rays of love and light.

Golden, it was weird not seeing many post, good to see things pick up even if I am not on that often.

Glad, I am not taking on guardianship, thanks to all for the advice.

This weekend was a repeat of sabbotoge. I guess for retaliation for opening busting lock on bathroom door, my hurricane mop bucket was tossed. Looked all over for it and its not something easy to hide.

Then while I go to foodtown to get my 24 pack of toilet tissue, noticed the bag was opened and went to get another bag. As I walk back I get the harsh brush of a bag on my knee as someone passes. I stopped to see who did it and was very surprised to see my sister.

I really truly want vengeance for every violation she and nephew have made against me. I stay in prayer that I dont lose it and end up in jail.

Whoa!! I didnt share that we now have a court date in April. I cant wait.

I got robaxin for the pain in my hip and knees it seems to be working. I am trying to remember if this was one of the muscle relaxants I was on many many years ago that gave me these vivid crazy dreams.



By the way, I played marbles, Jax and I would love to get in any PoKeno game. My oldest granddaughter loved the trampoline when she was younger. I tried it made me dizzy. Now I could hula hoop and won a double douch city wide contest we played alot of games growing up. We also love to pull each other in the metal milk crates real fast and make sparks on the pavement and many many hand games.

All is well, I got fridge cleaned out finally looks new. And I happened to have bought another mop similar to the blue hurricane mop a few years ago. I put it in the back yard out of view. It works better than the hurricane mop, its orange and it may have cost about =$15 with the mop, bucket and extra mop head.

Cant keep a good man down!! LOL

Girl, so happy for the stellar healing.

Notry, that incident sounds so scary, glad you came through ok.

Golden,

"As a survivor of my own near death experience,"

Yes, when I was here in the late 70's as a college student, I was in a bicycle accident which fractured the back of my skull, broke an ear drum and put me in a semi-conscious state for 8 days. All they could do was wrap my head up in a big bandage and many were praying for me.

A college freshman stepped out in front of me from between two parked cars on College Hill St. I flipped over the handle bars and landed on my head. People told me later that I landed so solid on my head and back that my white bell bottom denim pants did not get dirty. I'm not sure that was true.

Everyone, please be careful what you say around someone who is semi-conscious. We can hear you.

My dad said he had seen a miracle the next day after the accident. I did need ear surgery and the EEG found only a tiny amount of brain damage. Out of fear from me having seziuers, I was put on dilation. It made me feel drunk. I came off of it after a year and that's when I remembered the whole accident and those who visited me in the hospital. Even some of my professors came and one of them from a few semesters before. Some of my friends in nursing school there were my nurses. I think both my believe alive and able to do things as well as I can is a miracle. I thank God that I've been alive since 1978,

Wow, the lighthearted posts about childhood fun! I think we all need a break from heavy thoughts, sometimes.

I think the most-used toy for me was the clamp-on roller skates. We were only allowed to skate inside, in the basement. There was enough room to skate around and around the support posts. We didn’t have many toys, but sure enjoyed what we had. Hula hoops, second hand bikes. Kids were raised pretty much free range, and boy, did we roam!

All is decent here at the moment. Spouse recovered from his meltdown, ill-tempered display last weekend. I’m not recovered enough to grocery shop, so asked him to go. Desperately needed a few items that couldn’t be ordered for delivery.
I did start driving this past week, two doctor appointments. I still need to take pain medicine before physical therapy, so have to have spouse drive me for those appointments. He takes the dog along, and walks her a bit on the facility grounds. So it’s not miserable waiting for me. I’m the one putting in the hard work, inside, doing the PT. They have cut me from three days a week down to two days a week. Surgeon said I waited almost too long for the knee replacement. Had o explain to him that I had to pack and move us intrastate, then I was hospitalized with salmonella poisoning and diverticulitis. A few months later, we detoured to tend to spouse’s lung cancer. Once I got him on his feet, asked for orthopod referral. Took several months to get in, then several more to get on schedule for hip replacement. Which was why I didn’t have the knee replacements a few years ago. And I didn’t want to have them done in south FL. I’ll be discussing the second knee with the surgeon soon.

My knee surgeon says I’m his rock star patient, I’ve healed so well. Had full extension of knee by day three post-op, and flexion at 120 degrees at one week. Working on building strength. And my gait is horrible, for walking with a cane, several joints destroyed by arthritis. Going to try to get the second knee done yet this year, if surgeon concurs.

Have a good rest of the weekend, people!

Pam,

I know there are trampoline accidents but they sure are fun! That’s a shame you had to take yours down.

I agree, 4 wheelers are more dangerous. I never rode on one of those. My daddy wouldn’t let me ride on a motorcycle either. I couldn’t date anyone on a motorcycle.

Oh Pam,

Now I could hula hoop! My friend won a hula hoop contest. Hahaha She can still hula hoop and she is in her 60’s! She does it with her grandchildren. I don’t have grandchildren to play with but I would be a fun grandma!

Need I grew up going to Rehobeth beach in Delaware, and they had a place like that when I was tiny.. I loved it,, and we all lived to tell about it. When my DD was about 12 she saved her money and bought her own trampoline.. she and her friends loved it too.. When we moved to our current home about 22 years ago we moved it here.. in the middle of nowhere and our only neighbors are elderly.. our insurance said they were raising our rates because we didn't have a fence around it? Hello.. we live on acres with no neighbors? and If I saw the closest ones in their 80s on that thing I would have videotaped it and laughed so hard! But instead we took it down,, Now too bad they didn't worry about the 4 wheelers she and her friends rode like demons!

Garden Mom is hanging in there, stubborn as normal but she is eating and drinking so that is going well..Fighting doing her hand exercizes but I am a professional nag ( to hear her tell it) My Aunt is visiting now, it is the 5 year ann. of my dad's passing on the 28th so I'm glad she is here.
And Need,, I can't ride a bike to save my life,, but I just remembered hula hoops!! I loved those!

Golden,

I was a horrible skater. Couldn’t get the hang of it. I wanted to so badly.

I will tell you a stupid thing I did as a kid but I had so much fun doing it. It was with my aunt, my mom’s sister who was so much fun. My mom would have never allowed it! We had places that had rows of trampolines.

There was a fee for 20 minutes, 30 minutes or an hour. We usually only got to jump for 20 minutes. My aunt was frugal with her money and 20 minutes was long enough to still have fun. We were happy with that amount of time.

Anyway, it was dangerous. Guess parents didn’t realize it. We didn’t realize it either. They would play rock music and put sprinklers on. We were allowed to jump in our bathing suits. Jumping soaking wet to rock music was a blast to me! Not exactly safe, but fun.

So I had my little bikini on, jumping to the rock music and I thought it would be fun to jump from one trampoline to the next. Oh boy, did I get into trouble!

They announced on the loud speaker to stay on our own trampoline. Kids think they can do anything without fear! That was a nutty thing to do, right?

stacey - Happy Birthday!!!! Your and your hub having downsized and moved are rolling along! Your photo gallery sounds great. Hope you get time soon for that driving vacation you talked about!

glad - you are making progress. How did your trip to the city go? Your mum would be proud of you.

yoda - great that your wife is doing well. Your sil is fortunate to have you as a friend. Near death experience??? Glad your shoulder is better. I know healing shoulders takes a long time.

all you game players out there - mention of marbles brings back memories of early spring and playing marbles in the driveway against the garage door with the weak sunshine warming the air. For a number of years a neighbourhood kid several years younger than me came annually for a game of marbles as soon as the snow melted. His sister was a grade ahead of me in school. He was a number of grades behind. I don't remember how it started but I remember him knocking on the front door and asking me to play marbles with him. I let him win, of course but not till after we had had a good game, The last time we played I was about 16.
I spent much time on a bicycle too. We had neighbourhood games of football, we skated and skied in the winter, played tag, hide and seek, run sheep run and many more games outside still the sun set. I remember skipping double dutch We played the indoor board games as well and cards. Good memories. 😊

Oh Pam,

Twister was so much fun! This is why we did not have many overweight kids in our generation. We were active! I was skinny mini. I never stopped. I used to bring my jump rope to school everyday to play at recess with. Then I jumped at home too!

I rode my bike for miles and miles! Just for fun! Of course, it was safe then. Now kids can’t have that kind of lifestyle. Sad 😞.

Pam, perhaps the possibility of "losing my marbles" is why I kept the ones I had!   One never knows these days!

BTW, how's your mother doing these days?

Gardenartist, I am pretty sure I have lost all my marbles.. LOL Need, I loved Operation!! And twister,, although now I would probably need medical help if I tried that one!

Another stop by update.

My wife's doctor has cleared her knee replacement leg for full weight and outpatient PT. She's walking with a cane at home and thus will use her walker in other places for the next 6 weeks of PT. This is a good change for both of us after her time in rehab and several weeks home bound.

I've also been busy helping her identical twin sister get things in order for her retirement in June for earlier she was about to make some big mistakes. My wife is glad that I could help her. I'm glad that I friendship is strong enough that she would let me help her.

I learned that her light for seasonal affective disorder is broken. SAD is what people have when they find themselves depressed during the winter months because of a lack of sunlight. It is diagnosable from bipolar because it is a seasonal change, not a bipolar mood swing which she has as well. I found one with high ratings that was on sale, bought it for her from Amazon and had it mailed to her house. She wanted to pay me back, but I told her it was a gift.

She is a walking miracle of having survived stage 4  Endometrial cancer back when it was found in 2001. Duke Hospital treated her with the usual and an experimental treatments. She does have complications from the treatments which can and do make daily living rather challenging at times. As a survivor of my own near death experience, I feel a special bond with her.

My frozen left shoulder is much better. I'm cutting back to PT once a week and exercising twice a week.

Well, that's all folks!

Thanks for asking Golden. Heading to the city today to buy a industrial sewing machine. Then maybe a place I have found that has knitting machines and manufactures custom binding.

NHWM, I feel like I have lost my marbles, many times.

Duck, I am reading, not responding often any more. Stay strong. Have you made decision to not seek guardianship of mom?