The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Babies belly laughing make the angels rejoice! Brings pure sweet joy to my heart.

Every true, joyous laugh brings happiness to all that hear it, imo.

NeedHelp you are right on point.
Hearing true laughter makes me laugh.

Even the weird natural laughter of others cracks me up because it is amazing and so real and contagious.

For sure Ali, this is a sacred place!
The honor dignity and respect given by most people on board as well as the awesome input from the angels and wise, has been a truly wonderful and amazing impact on my life and my perspective.
Words cannot express how this forum has helped me in so many poignant ways.
It takes the sharing caring and understanding from the awesome people who are experiencing or overcame this painful process of loving with all our hearts no matter what.
It has often scared me that I didn't see what I see now and how those whom I loved so dearly manipulated and use my love and dedication to hurt and controll me.
The Grace of God has kept me and led me to this forum.
I still believe that God is love and love is God.

So glad that you had a great time in California, Duck. Sounds fun! Laughter is good for the soul.

Have a very merry Christmas 🎄!

I hate to loose my comments when I answer my phone.

Ali, you always offer sound logical advice. You have a gift with words and logic as well as being one of my heroes.

I had a wonderful time in California with my son and family.

I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt at one point. It's been ages since that has happened.

I am wishing you all a beautiful Christmas
And rays of love light and healing.

Ali,

This thread has been around a long time. I read it but I haven’t posted on it as much as others have.

It’s an interesting thread with a lot of interesting conversations.

Enjoy your Christmas decorating!

I've been reading on AC instead of putting Christmas decorations up. They'll wait another day. It's not even December yet! :)

Once every year or so, I revisit this wonderful thread and re-read through some parts of it. It's helpful for me to consider and reconsider all the sad and frustrating, and also always wise, shared lived experiences and input from everyone here with a fresh, present-day perspective.

I can't believe it's been 10+ years of this wonderful thread.

I hope this thread will always be a place for open sharing and earnest support. Social media spaces have changed, but family caregivers who are in dysfunctional situations will always desperately need a place to sound off, be heard, and be given advice and support.

This is a sacred space. I hope it always remains that way.

I'm just bumping the thread and being sappy. lol Much love to all.

Duck, I hope you hold peace in your heart, knowing you're doing the best you can with your little extra energy to spare. Your desire to be there for your mom is apparent. I can only imagine if my mom were in a nursing home. I'd want to be there as often as possible, too.

You are always the most important figure in your life. You can't be there for anyone else if you aren't well and in a good spot. I hope you easily forgive yourself for being unable to see your mom whenever you want to. You're trying, and you have to look after yourself, too. It's enough. (((((hugs)))))

Sharyn, I'm concerned about your sis. I agree with you that general anesthesia isn't good for many older folks (maybe it isn't good for many others in general, idk). It can cause issues... imho. I haven't looked for studies or more evidence of this, but I've seen it with my dad and the long-term problems (that required additional surgeries, in his case) that cropped up for him after getting general anesthesia, and what you describe with your sis is just not good. I hope common medical/surgical practice can evolve here and find other ways to numb and sedate people instead of general anesthesia. General should be a last resort if other things are deemed too risky for some reason. I hope treating sis's UTI helped some..? You and your family are in my thoughts right now. I hope when you post again, there is some good news because your sis has been having a very rough time.

Frankie you hang In there.
I am having a similar issue over my mother.

She has been in nursing home for almost two years. I have been an emotional wreck since the onset of her dementia.

The thought of losing her was to hard to bare.

Its still there, always will be. Especially during the holidays..

I used to boo hoo during my first visits to nursing home..

I stay in prayer. There are times I unravel. One thing was this forum was my greatest help. Especially when I was advised to watch my negative self talk.

I also find that my focus on hurt and memories from the past can put me in a funk.

I am a work in progress just sharing my experience.
Another thong that helps is smiling embracing and showing kindred love in my daily interactions with others and associates it come back to you and is uplifting.

Also self care. You have to take a break.

Every time I beat myself up because I did not make my visit with my mother because I was physically unable or overwhelmed I would find her just fine and okay.
Take a break for yourself. Also keep posting. A response or a post can make a big difference.
I am wishing you all the best in your struggles.

Not doing great today. Still recovering mentally after making thanksgiving happen for my elderly parents, crazy siblings, and everything that comes with that. I feel sickness coming on from the stress. How does one manage to get through the holidays like a normal-functioning, productive adult when the cold, depressing reality of it possibly being the last holidays you'll ever get to spend w/your elderly, sick parents is smacking you in the face? The reality that they may not be around to see me get married, and for me to give them grandchildren is equally terrifying. I feel like my parents' last years here with us are slipping away so quickly, and I can't keep up. More so with each day I feel a pull to be at their house so I won't miss out on one minute of being with them, but on the other hand it's so hard to leave the comfort of my home where I can zone out for a bit and pretend that all is well. I hate this season of life.

Well I lost my post.
Much love to you all.

Hang in there Allusedup.

Yes Barb! Still I rise bought tears again. You will always hold a special ial place in my heart. And that quote mean as much today as it did years ago.

Needhelp thank you I cheered up reading your post.

So much to share of my journey.

Sharyn so sorry to hear about your niece I pray she continues to make progress.
You've been through so much. Remember to care for yourself.

Rays of love and light to us all!

Sorry to hear that you are having such trouble, AllUsedUp.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time.

Duck, Happy Thanksgiving!

"And still I rise".

Keep those words in your ❤️.

Well Allusedup I hope you just rethink this and let her go to her friends house. I am sure they will be calling you shortly to come and get her! And with no phone she can;t call you to rescue her. I do hope someone has POA for her however. As you are not on her banking.

I've been caring for my mother for years through her many illnesses. My family has never helped me, now I have Caregivers burnout with extreme stress and half of my hair fell out from stress. My mother is very manipulative, she lies, she's mean to me a lot and treats me poorly. Another family member stepped up to help finally because I was starting to lose it with her failure to use the systems that we put in place to help her. She started talking bad about me to her friends and family, then took me off her banking and called and said really nasty that I don't need you anymore. She said that she was going to her friends house, I reminded her to take her phone and her reply was I forget it, and laughed like a child.

Always good to see you, Duck. Hope your holidays will be bright and merry!

Greadings everyone. I have been out of touch for a while but everyone who is part of this forum is part of my heart.

Ali it's so wonderful to hear your progress towards completing your masters I wish you all the best.

It bought tears to hear about the breakthroughs during communication with your mother. Such a blessing.

Barb! I will be forever grateful for your wisdom, guidance and advice over the years. Always in my heart. I have tears remembering how you and other special angels and members in this forum helped me through one of the hardest periods in my life.

I am still a work in progress. In a better place for the most part. Still crying still tearful getting better and a tad stronger.

So much to share. I just had to reach out and wish everyone rays of love light peace and happiness especially throughout this holiday season.

Marybeths,
Sympathy out to you. My daughter, now 61, struggled with clinical depression all her life. She used both therapy when needed and medication when needed. It got a whole lot better for her post menopausal, though I would say the "anxiety" component of it all is very much still with her.

Glad you set boundaries. You can do so gently and kindly, actually, even with someone who is borderline abusive, and the perfect words are the ones you just said to US: "I won't abandon you; I know you're lonely. But I am struggling to keep my own boat afloat."
Those words are perfect. Be honest with him. Allow him his own reactions and remember they aren't aimed at YOU, really--they are "him".

And always know--engrave it on your heart--you didn't CAUSE this for him and you can't CURE this for him. You aren't a Saint and it's a bad job description anyway. You get slain and then they pray to you for eternity to "fix stuff".
Hang in there. This is what it is to be human. We hang in there.

Both my father and I in therapy. I've gotten a lot of great feedback from everyone thank u. I'm the girl with the dad getting too in my personal space. I've spaced out my days to going less often and not staying too long. He cried for days after I confronted him, so did I here from home tho. I didn't go for 5 days after "the incident". Still unsure if he gets it. Going to just keep my boundaries but had to reassure him even if he doesn't sew me everyday, I will still be here for him and I won't abandon him. His biggest fear . I just keep praying....🙏all opinions welcomed plz any help I can get for my mental health will greatly help me. He's lonely. I'm struggling to keep my own boat afloat. Some days I feel better, other days I sink. I've been on antidepressants for 18 yrs❤️to other survivors.

My sis called me today. She has some confusion but she knew who I was. I pray she stays this way. My great niece is visiting her and I think this is helping my sis.

Great news, Sharyn.

Barb, Sunday my niece has to decide on a feeding tube (peg) in my sis’s stomach. If my sis’s weight gets too low, she gets lightheaded and risk passing out especially when she stands up because her BP drops too low. This morning she was very child like and giggling. But this afternoon she took her oral meds and was coherent. Small increases as they come we will take it! Thank you everyone.

That's great news, Sharyn! I hope she continues to improve this way.

Hey everyone, my has had an awaking this afternoon. Very lucid aware. My niece brought in her daughter from Florida. She played beagle music while my great niece danced. My sister was laughing at her granddaughter enjoying the Beatles music. It’s a victory as we all know mornings snd evenings are the hardest times with delirium and dementia.

ChoppedLiver: "get the pain addressed"

I think about this aspect of elder care, as part of considering more overt behavioral issues in gerontology folks. I think physical discomfort (and confusion, of course, and other things... but, yes, PAIN) is a big piece of elders' noncompliance with care in general.

How do we better assess and treat pain in the elderly when they can't speak directly to their discomfort? I don't know, but I want to learn more about any research supporting improved assessments here. I think back to my time as a caregiver, both to GM, who couldn't verbalize her pain, to my dad, who could speak to his but most often it just came out as him being a big jerk and blaming everything except the pain/discomfort. lol Does that make sense? Post-surgery was always the time when he was crankiest and most likely to behave badly.

Looking back, I missed the signs in my GM, because I didn't know what I was looking for. Good on ya for picking up on it, and being an advocate for your mom.

Sharyn, I'm so sorry your sis is still doing so poorly. You already know this forum is so helpful in suggesting things to look into, so after you go there and get a better idea of what's happening, maybe start a Q&A thread about your sister's situation on AC...? I hope things turn for the better soon. (((((hugs)))))

Hi everyone, my sis is not much better. My niece wants me to come out next week. I told her of course. If I can provide emotional support and help stimulate my sisters mind,I will do it in a heart beat.

we are waiting for results from MRI and ct scan that a new hospitalist ordered.
this dr feels there is an underlying issue causing the delirium. This will be done on her legs. Keep you posted

I ignore the toxic part of the situation I'm in. I do what I need to do and have for over two decades. My peace is my gold and I cultivate it daily.

Oh, Sharyn! I'm so glad your niece realized that and they got Sis to the hospital.

Hi everyone, my sis was transferred back to the hospital. My niece is doing a great job advocating for her mom. My sis is spitting out her oral meds that don’t come in a liquid form. She refuses to eat or drink. Back at the hospital they discover my sis has a severe UTI. We all know a UT with older people means hallucinations, wild talk. I pray this is a big part of my sis’s issue

Hi everyone, my sis would not wake up at all today. My brother was also like this and ironically the only thing they could use to bring him around was Ritalin. He had to take Ritalin the rest of his life. My brother was at Stanford University. They had never had a situation like my brother which they consulted with drs around the country. The same is going on with my sis.

my niece is keeping me on standby because neither of us know when would be the best time for me to come. If I come out now, being at the hospital for 4 weeks where I’m there all day stimulating my sister and say it’s helps but then I have to leave. Is it best to wait until she is released to come home? We are playing it by ear.

I have decided I refuse to get a hip replacement unless they can numb me from the waist down while using a conscious sedation drug like they use with a colonoscopy. No general.

i