notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
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- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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🥰 today’s words of wisdom...
”Stop hurting yourself
because you're angry at someone else."
i am 67yo retired and no savings and no income
my wife will stay and work pay rent expenses and pay daughter expenses
i will go to my dad's 90yo and do his landscape, house maintenance, cook, clean, take him shopping whatever i need to do...do i also pay for everything...eat out, groceries, misc shopping...he gave banking privileges to son #3 wife as brother 62yo is in FT care. so she will ensure bills are paid on a mort.free house
i cant even afford to go, i told dad i was having car troubles in hopes he would offer some help. i asked to visit over the last 25yrs, but wasn't welcomed
son3's son is moving out of bsmt suite in a couple months, so i said dad i will visit he said ok, next week when we spoke he said he wanted to prepare house for sale, his car for sale, board up bsmt to save on heat, i said i thought i was visiting, he sd oh i thought you had car trouble - meaning i have no money
he asked how get there, how long staying, i shud see a shrink my life is upside down from ave.joe
so i did say i'm flying and it doesnt cost much these dayz, i dont know how long stay and if he wants me gone no probEither...good grief
like Basil Fawlty "The Builders," Basil Fawlty responds to O'Reilly's statement "Just remember, Mr. Fawlty, there's always someone worse off than yourself" with the line, "Is there? Well, I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh,"
funfit55 at gee
🥰
Always aim for peace, but if you can't get peace, you should aim between the eyes.
🥰
When someone treats you badly, stop thinking something’s wrong with you. Start thinking something’s wrong with them.
🥰
It’s not what we have in life,
but who we have in our life
that matters.
You're incredibly beautiful, and that's the least interesting thing about you.
🙂 No matter who it was that caused the problems in your life, it is ultimately going to be you who has to fix them. Might as well start now.
Be around those who feed your soul,
not eat it.
🙂
❤️
Waste no more time arguing
about what a good man, woman, should be.
Be one.
🌟🌟🌟🌸🌸🌸
Just be
happy
and a reason will come along.
"If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like."
🥰 also today's words of wisdom...
"Life's as kind as
the people you fill it with."
"Don't wait until you're on your deathbed
to tell people how you feel.
You could be too weak to raise your middle finger."
Tell Mom you are going out ( by yourself ) whether or not she wears the adult diaper .
Her choice what she wears at home .
You can choose to go out without her .
See , you each have a choice .
She can’t stop you from going out .
When my LO started having more frequent incontinence issues, I tactfully suggested wearing disposable pullup style briefs for all outings.
The idea was refused.
I bought some anyway & left the packet.
I did not attempt to convince.
I left the decision to my LO. (Their clothing, their comfort, their choice).
But I also explained their decision had consequences.
I was not obliged to suffer wet car seats to clean up or pay for steam cleaning. Therefore, no pullups = no ride in my car. (My car, my car rules).
* Suggest.
* They decide
* Consequences
PS I stayed firm. No rides. Then one day, my LO had a change of mind & pullups became the new norm. No big deal was made. Just OK - that seems a good idea.
You need to sit her down, lay down the law on what you need, not what she needs, and if she doesn't comply, you need to tell her she has to or you are going on strike! If it's nice out, put a tent outside pretend your camping for a week.
I know you love mom! You need to love yourself more! 💓
I tell her I'm drinking water.
Also, she deeded me one house, not two. And I'm keeping it. Right now, that's my only source of income.
As for being unable to move out, it's due to a lack of money on my end and her being unwilling to get outside help, thus why I wish she would speed things up with my grandmother's bank accounts and I can have some leverage. However, I did order some adult diapers earlier this week and now the journey begins to convincing her that if she wears them at certain times, it allows me to be out of the house a little more often and do day trips. There are a couple of out of town restaurants that she loves and has rarely gotten any food from since she became immobile. The diaper strategy would allows things to return to where they were in the near 1-year span between her starting to use a wheelchair and her becoming immobile.
Mom, thankyou for your concern. My water intake is my own responsibility. I'm fine.
Some people seem to project.. THEY are thirsty/cold/too hot/tired etc & presume their LO is too. I catch myself doing it to my son LOL "Aren't you cold?" It's winter here - I'm in layers & layers of clothes + a woolly hat. He's in thin gym wear. I've been inside, he's been at the gym, or out & about somewhere.
Not one to waste words, he'll simply say "I am not you". Sure. No big deal.
Lie and tell your mother you drank a gallon of water . She can’t follow you around to see what you do .
And Mom deeded you two houses . You can sell one or both and move away . Or keep one as rental income . You now have options. And call APS to handle your mother . You have been saying you are stuck because you could not afford to move out .
You and your mother are in a co-dependent relationship and the two of you feed off of each other's misery. I know how that is because I lived it for several years with my mother too.
You don't have to remain in it. You can leave and make other arrangements for yourself and should. Everyone is only getting one life. Don't let your mother use yours up with her dysfunctional nonsense. Good luck.
1. I'm not outside in the heat doing manual labor all day every day. At least so far, I haven't been out there watering the plants in our large front yard. We've had a good rain/sun balance so far this summer and haven't had to deal with drought. The only times I'm outside the house are if I'm standing at the door feeding the cats, tending to the trash, or running errands.
2. Outside of taking her usual pills and brushing her teeth, she's not drinking much water herself. She is drinking 2 cans of Coca Cola every day, while drinking at most 1 cup of water. Hypocrite much?
She probably thinks I'm in danger of becoming dehydrated, even though I'm drinking a few cups of water every day.
With your Mom, either just AGREE she is hard done by. That old age sucks. Give her that gift & let it go.
Or JOIN her that life sucks & wallow together.
As a kid, if anyone strayed into that type of talk it could be lightened up by someone stating "Well I lived in a shoebox in the mddle of the road.."
If you've not seen it, google Monty Python Four Yorkshireman (The Good Old Days). Now that's how to enjoy a proper pity party! 🤣
She told that to the person that's been forced to be her hands and feet and severely limit his own life in the process. No vacation in nearly 8 years. I've been outside of my home county ONCE in 7 years and I had to wait nearly 6 years to do so. No social life. And I'm severely limited in how long I can be out of the house.
I may be able to walk, go to the bathroom without using a potty chair, get a shower regularly, and drive, but I can't do much else. I just wish she would finally get the ball rolling with my grandmother's bank accounts and get our names on them so I can finally have the financial leverage to put her in the nursing home. There was a story on the local news yesterday about getting regular checkups at the doctor and she opted to mute the TV during that news story.
I will say she deeded me the house next door to us a couple of weeks ago and the rent house is officially in my name. However, the overprotection, overwork, refusal to let me have breaks and help, and refusing to see things from my perspective make that major moment more minor as a result.
bob - your mom is really restrictive to you. You know you can make your own judgement if it is safe or nor. It';s healthier for you to set your own limits. It's not up to her to live your life for you.
As life is fairly stable I've had a chance to reflect on just how much sh*t I've been through most of my life with my dysfunctional family. It's a lot!!! I'm glad to be at a stage where life feels safer and I have distance between the remains of my family. Peace is a priority as I age.,
A few nights ago late at night, I was emptying a pot of old spaghetti in the side yard. We live next to a small forrest. It took about 10-20 seconds to go out, do it, and go back in the house. Out and back in ASAP.
I've done it before but I never told her. When I told her on this occasion, she didn't like that. And I had my phone with me, something she always wants me to do whenever I go outside for ANYTHING, and I had the outdoor lights on, as I always do when I'm outside at night for whatever reason. She was somehow of the impression that I didn't have the outdoor lights on and I walked out in pitch black darkness. It was either that or pour the juice in the kitchen sink and risk stopping the sink up. And I recently got the Drano on that sink to stop the build up.
She insists that I don't do that anymore. She was like "there's snakes out there," even though we rarely get snakes. The only living beings out there were 2 of our cats and a couple of raccoons that ran off as soon as I stepped outside.
im starting to go through my husbands belongings. Clothing I will donate. Who knows what I will do with the rest. Of course anything that has sentimental value to family I will offer to family.
I hope everyone is having a decent summer.
I've been needing some quiet time.
Vermont is a lovely state. I visited there once in the fall and the colouring was gorgeous. Maple walnut used to be my fave ice cream, next to chocolate, of course.
Me and hubs explored Vermont today! Had a nice day!! Pulse a really good maple flavored ice cream cone!!