notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
As time draws near for my nighttime ritual, here is a timely poem from the various titles of well known and not so well known TV shows from a world far, far, away.
"Oh, how the Young and the Restless look for Another World while this one is on The Edge of Night seeking for a Guiding Light to get all of us through The Dark Shadows in hope that As The World Turns ,The Brighter Day will come even for those in The Secret Storm who are All My Children who with us all are on The Road of Life for From These Roots comes The Brighter Life in the Moment of Truth about The Days of Our Lives that Love Is a Many Splendored Thing as we have Only One Life to Live!|"
Good night! Sleep tight!
⭐️⭐️⭐️🍀🍀🍀
You’ve mastered surviving. It’s now time to live.
Let go or
be dragged down.
Protect your hearts, dears. You have to, or you'll go crazy.
I remember many times (and still now) I would see my mother, and she would assess me from head to toe and comment about things -- what I was wearing, what my hair looked like, etc. It's just her way of being curious, I think, but it always felt off-putting and isolating, like I was a specimen of some kind. She doesn't give compliments; she doesn't necessarily give insults, either -- she just overtly looks me up and down and comments on various things. lol I've gotten used to it, but it's not the way I would approach someone I love to show them affection, you know?
We all need to go easy on each other and not do those kinds of behaviors if they are of no real importance. It's rude, isn't it? I think it is. These are micro-aggressions, a way to put others down or micro-manage behaviors.
...
I have a young woman (32yo?) therapist now. This is interesting for me! It's my first venture into any ongoing therapy or counseling. The first session yesterday mainly was me bringing her "to speed" on the most significant events in my childhood/caregiving/life, and where I find myself now. I hope that she and I can really "gel." Vibe. And I hope I can learn some valuable perspectives. I'm unsure what I think of her yet, but she seems nice enough. She was pretty quiet in the first meeting. Perhaps that is normal, or maybe I talked way too much. I did arrive with notes to review, after all. Lol. I wanted to inform her of certain background information and try to give her perspective on how I've found myself in the present time with anxiety issues that really detract from my everyday quality of life, and tell her what I hope to accomplish through therapy.
I don't know. She's quiet and young. I don't know what I expected, but a bossy, opinionated therapist would be appreciated by me. 😁 Tell me to get out of my head and go to the gym! lol
Jokes aside, what a wonderful tool this is—simply having someone to tell your most troubling heart burdens to and getting (at least) some encouragement. I'll take the validation.
Chances are, she'd get upset with me if I ever called her out for her nitpicking. She's gotten on me for how I put paperclips on things, my handwriting a few months back, filling up her glasses a little too high with water or Coca-Cola, giving her water that wasn't warm enough when she needed to wash her hands and sometimes giving her water that was too hot, and how I put things in envelopes.
She'll label those things as providing advice, but it's nothing more than excuses to nitpick.
Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean,
but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.
🙂
"Many people would be scared
if they saw in the mirror,
not their faces...
but their character."
it's about the topic of mean/rude/toxic/dysfunctional people in our lives...
i want to say:
i was in a shoe shop the other day. the seller was talking about the importance of getting rid of pebbles in your shoe: "you know...if you walk for a few minutes with a pebble in your shoe, it's not that bad...2 miles later, still tolerable...10 miles later, you start feeling a lot of pain...20 miles later, intolerable...!"
but i think it's a very useful metaphor.
i started thinking about rude "friends"/acquaintances i have in my life, and other dysfunctional people...
it's true. years later, with that pebble (toxic "friend") in your life...you'll get worn down, without realizing it.
so what i'm saying is, it's good to look at one's life, and see who needs to get cut out.
Good to hear from you as always. Awesome to think you are getting near the end of this particular phase of your education. It will continue, of course, whether formally or not. Learning is life long.
You've come a long way, baby!!! 😊😊😊
Your experience really reaffirms the truth that not so much is known about our brains as they are very complex :-)
Keep up the good work!
I finished my neuropsychology class. My final project was on the effects of hemorrhagic stroke. I chose that topic because a good friend had one a year or so ago, and I hoped I'd learn something useful for him. What I learned is that the brain is incredibly complex. I guess I didn't need to pay tuition to learn that, haha. All in all, it was a great class choice for my elective.
I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am.
Keep calm
&
Let the idiots talk
This is a good one for us caregivers:
”I stopped waiting for the applause and thank you’s - and instead, gave myself a standing ovation.”
“I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I’ve never been closer to blocking your number.”
Also Mom: "I don't understand why I'm heavy."
This was just after one of her bathroom runs after I got her back onto her bed.
I also sympathize about your son and dil. I have one difficult dil and one very loving one. I know it isn't easy with your son and his wife. I think you are doing the right things.
So, so sorry about what happened to your sis. She deserved much better care than that and I am glad your niece is not letting it go. I pray for a good resolution for her and you and for peace. Father God, You are a God of mercy and justice. I ask that Your hand be upon this case and the injured family, and that You bring it to a good conclusion and bring them peace.
Sharyn, you are a strong person and will manage through all of this. I ask for blessings upon your life and on your loved ones. Thanks for updating us. I appreciate hearing from you.
It really upsets us because we believe they should have more than one lab to work with, most medical facilities do, even dr offices.
I have more than enough on my plate with forms to fill out for financial transfers, life insurance on my hubs, affidavit for surviving spouse. I may have to file for probate because the court may deny my affidavit for surviving spouse.
our car payment has my name on it, yet my hubs is primary. This financial institution may want me to refinance the loan. They want a copy of the death certificate to remove hubs name from loan. I’m stalling because I want to pay it off when the life insurance is processed. Lots of stuff to complete and it’s all the paperwork I dislike so very much. This is why I could not be a secretary
🤪.
im enjoying my grandsons and see them Tuesday - Friday plus once a month lunch/brunch I take them out to.
Buster is getting better in accepting that hubs is gone like I am. He sleeps on the floor in bedroom with me, a golden retriever does not work on the bed. I’m taking him in about every 8 weeks to be groomed and cut the long hair to his tummy, his leg hair that is long especially the back end and shave the sanitary areas.
im having salmon, rice and asparagus tonight for my dinner. It’s really nice being able to eat real food again most nights.
Have a peaceful weekend everyone💕🌷🥀
my Dil, is back in a mental health facility until next Tuesday. She does this occasionally which is why I don’t take it seriously but my son does.
i hate how this affects my son and he feels responsible for her. Yes, they are married only a few years. Considering my dils mother is the same way as my dil, I can’t help but feel my dil is unable or not willing to take care of her own happiness.
prayers please for my son and family 🙏🙏🙏
I'm happy for you and your husband that he made the right decision and put his wife before his mother and moved your MIL out of the your house.
I was an in-home caregiver as my employment for 25 years befor going into the business of it. I was also one to my abusively needy mother for a time.
Every person I ever provided care to learned very fast that the tantrums, crying, demands, and verbal abuse got them absolutely nowhere with me. I NEVER waited on any care client hand and foot not even my own mother. I learned early on what the actual job of a caregiver is. It's to help a person. To make sure their basic needs are met and they are safe. This does not include catering to fussy nonsense and stubbornness or being verbally abused by them. This does not include doing the work of a full staff of domestic servants either. It does not mean babysitting an elder without pay because their family wants a break. I had a family pull this one time on me. It was Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the family's secret plan to leave for their holiday plans straight from work and stick me with their "loved one". I tried calling for a couple hours and no one answered. So I called the police and left grandma with the cops. The police reached them.
Families who always say there's nothing wrong with a person and criticize the one who has to take care of them it's because they're in denial. Or they want to make sure they don't have to take on any of it.
Good for you and your husband. He did the right thing even if the family is giving some backlash about it. Any one of them can take your MIL in and take over the caregiving.
The most helpful thing you could do now is to tell us how you brought it to an end, how your husband reacted, and what has happened since.