
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Not to mention that You are the only person of EQUAL intelligence you will speak to all day…
Today's words of wisdom:
You are the most influential person you will talk to all day.
"I got 99 problems and you are all of them."
Judge me by the people I avoid.
“You probably won’t remember half the things that I’ll never forget.”
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Don’t let your loyalty
keep you in situations
your common sense should have gotten you out of.
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Great minds think alike.
Unfortunately, so do stupid ones…
joy - so true!!!
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"The bigger person". That's just (usually) a euphemism for "shut up and take the abuse because the rest of us are uncomfortable with you taking care of yourself."
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and you husband is absolutely right. Have only a small service for the people who matter. Not the ones who walked away when he started getting sicker. You needed the support of friends and family too and they abandoned you as well. There's no excuse for that and no one needs these people to come and wail at a big funeral then expect a nice meal and an open bar after.
No truer words were ever spoken than, 'A friend in need is a friend indeed'.
I totally know where you're coming from. When my ex-husband got sick the friends and family started staying away when he got bad off. We were divorced. This was because he was an alcoholic and he could not overcome it. Not because I didn't love him. I did and still do. I still love my former in-law family too. I was remarried to my current husband when my ex got sick. I helped take care of him though because that was right.
Anyway, he had a huge funeral. He was old-school Polish and they do a big send off. At his wake his cousin's fiancee was saying some nasty things about me in Polish to a couple of the older ladies. My former MIL walked up to her and slapped her right across the face. She got told too. Now this cousin was the best man at our wedding. They were best friends. These two never visited once when my ex started getting sick. Never called, nothing. They partied at our place every weekend for years. We went everywhere together too. They were tore up at the wake though. What a joke.
I get it people don't know what to do around a sick person. Then don't do anything. Just be there. It's not happy or pleasant, but it's right. Just be there. It's not hard to sit with someone for a few hours. Or to bring by a meal so someone doesn't have to cook.
Your husband is right. Have a service for the people who matter. The ones who backed off because your husband is sick, don't matter. They don't matter one bit.
I am so sorry for your husband's and your experience. Do know that people are made very uncomfortable by illness, by seeing people change before their eyes, by expectations, by confusion, by not knowing what to say or do. The closer they are to you, and the more honest you can be about your needs, your wish list the better.
We are a flawed animal. It is fight and flight with us, and we are much more comfortable with just flying away, hiding in the hedges, pretending none of this is happening.
I know you know all of this.
I know that none of this is a comfort.
I think that your wishes for private services is VERY valid. That's as simple as "Services will be Private". Even with well-meaning and loving family, that is the burial that my parents and my brother after them wants. In fact, they wanted no services at all. It was "Hoist a glass to me now; if you forgot, hoist one to me after, and get on with living".
All on AC have witnessed the losses of our loved ones, and it is why I have always said that standing witness to their losses is the worst cruelty of all. When we are ill and helpless we are DEALING WITH IT and all the time. But when we witness the losses it is the the waves of a flood that just keeps coming.
Many choose not to get involved with caregiving, and while we respect their choice, it's bound to change relationships. Many, including myself, have experienced the same thing and have become alienated from these friends and family. Wishing you all the best for what lies ahead, Those that stick with us through these most difficult years, are very precious to us.
This site has been very valuable to me and others who understand what caregivers are going through. The support is so helpful. ((((((hugs))))) to you
That’s not at all incompatible with a very low key ‘exit’ for him.
We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
anyway, next time someone is being a jerk/toxic/dysfunctional to you, you can say:
"You're being you again. Stop that."
Correct me if you’re wrong.
It’s possible to be completely enlightened…except with your family.
Words of wisdom:
“You’ll never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.”
“I haven’t heard from you lately, and I’ve really enjoyed it.”
May all the heavy things you’ve been carrying…
one day carry you.
"Seeing people walk out from my life is really painful, I want them to run."
One in particular whose leaving was to die for. They died for. There was no other way, but as I wrote about another: you're dying, but I'm thriving; for you it's the end, but for me, I'm gettin to begin
Seeing people walk out from my life is really painful, I want them to run.
As time draws near for my nighttime ritual, here is a timely poem from the various titles of well known and not so well known TV shows from a world far, far, away.
"Oh, how the Young and the Restless look for Another World while this one is on The Edge of Night seeking for a Guiding Light to get all of us through The Dark Shadows in hope that As The World Turns ,The Brighter Day will come even for those in The Secret Storm who are All My Children who with us all are on The Road of Life for From These Roots comes The Brighter Life in the Moment of Truth about The Days of Our Lives that Love Is a Many Splendored Thing as we have Only One Life to Live!|"
Good night! Sleep tight!
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You’ve mastered surviving. It’s now time to live.