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I am reluctant to post here because my sister is very much computer savvy and she might see what I am posting. Anyone else have this problem? All I can tell you is that I have an elderly mother who is depressed, has dementia, is cranky and crabby, and lives in her own home. Sister has taken over and Mom won't listen to me and I have been told by sister to stay out of the helping of Mom. She says she is in charge and I am to back off. Then the following week she says I am not helping enough. And an honest thing is to say is that we are trying to preserve our inheritance. There I said it.
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Thank you again cmagnum, your wife is a very lucky woman, God Bless you both. @ Christy, I too am over the abuse but there are times when something gets said that hits me like I explained in the other post. My sister and me are best friends but I miss spending time with her because her health is not good and lives out of town. We talk on the phone and laugh alot together. My family has been torn apart because of the abuse and my dad was a peaceful drunk except that living with my mom and how she would incite him in a rage. If she had not done that, my dad never would have been physically abusive. I have forgiven him and my mom. My husband is my rock, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. Take care and keep the humor flowing!!
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* meant be lol
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i totally agree and in my case my mom sat while my dad beat us in a drunken state and only threaten to leave him one time. I have gotten over al that but I cannot accept my sister as my sister. I told her not to contact me and that I am leaving the wedding dress subject me and she call me a selfish brat....when hello...who paid rent and property taxes just to watch her and family waste money like it was in a piss pot. I do not get a chance to talk to my brother or my baby sister...what ticks me off is that family is relative and blood is relative. What happen to the waltons ...what happen to those lil house on the prairie times...what the hell is wrong with ppl these days. I am not the attention getting type of personality...I am trying to survive and yet my own flesh n blood sister thinks its a freaking race or some type of competition. She would go behind my back to talk my husband into giving her POA status which was none of her business. She is misery and I do not associate with misery and dolores claibourne can hang out and dish it out. I have been accused by his family and his doctors etc that i am hurting my husband and when i only ask for one thing from my sister she throws all out of it context and finds a way to make it about her...i do not think she has mature by bunch yet i love how she hides her true personality and I have seen it in action...enough rage venting...i got to see if i can talk hubby into seeing the heart doctor today.
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sharynmarie, enjoy your time with your daughter without guilt for you are not your mom, you didn't make your mom they she is, you can't fix her, nor can you control her. All you can really do is take care of you by choosing a healthy path like you have which included therapy which is great! I can understand grieving over what you do not have with your mom, but try to let go of the guilt for it is not your fault that your mother and you are not close. I've been in therapy several years dealing with my family of origin issues which mainly have had to deal with my mother. One thing that I came to see was that she repeated with me what she had grown up with in her own home. I ended up writing her a letter, read it to my therapist, burning in a trash can and throwing the ashes to the wind as I released it all into God's hands. My wife and I have felt much closer with each other through all of this as I experienced with her dealing with her mom in therapy. I thought that I had already either seen how verbally abusive her mom is or heard past stories about it from my wife's childhood, but no as I've shared things that my wife did not know, she has told me things that I did not know. However, the very depth of my pain and anger only my therapist knows. Have a good day and enjoy your time with your daughter! guilt free!!!
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cmagnum, you are right she probably does remember her public persona. My experience with people has been "everyone has been abused". I don't tell people the details like I did on here simply because those who have not suffered abuse can't get their minds around it unless they work in the area of dealing with abuse, etc. I think I reacted so strongly to the comment my friend made because I was having a mother/daughter day, something I can't do with my mother and I felt guilty for being able to enjoy my time with my daughter. I wish I could have had that with my mom. Enough self pity because I know others hurt and have been hurt much worse at the hands of their families and I thank you for responding. Love, hugs back to you and everyone on here who is dealing or been through abusive situations♥!!
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sharynmarie, wow what an abusive childhood you survived! That was horrible!!!! You mother obviously has some problems to be able to appear so nice to people outside of your family, but be so mean at home. Possibly, the friends that you have told about the abuse have not said anything to that one friend from FB that you mention. Their memory was that of your mother's public mask. Your memory is what you experienced behind closed doors at home. If these people will not believe your history of abuse, then they are rather shallow friends or totally ignorant of things like personality disorders. I guess all you can do is tell them is your experience of my mother when you saw her was not what I saw actually living with her as a child day by day. I just don't understand why some people don't believe folks when they speak of their experiences of childhood abuse. I could go into my own experiences of abuse, but I'm trying to focus on your question. Are people questioning your motives and what is this gossip saying that you want which is not true? I really don't know what else to say and hope some others on this thread will respond. Love, hugs, and prayers as you walk through this mess.
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How can I deal with people who remember my mother from my childhood but have no idea how abusive she has been and they know that she now has Alzheimer's. To be more specific...I posted on facebook that tomorrow was a mom and daughter day for me and my daughter who lives out of state and I have not seen in 7 months. I am very excited to spend this time with my daughter, however, her trip out here is a vacation for her and her husband as well as a honeymoon that they did not get when they were married 2 years ago. A woman on my friendlist whom I have known since childhood and who also knows people that I have discussed abuse issues with, responded to my post...give your mother a kiss from me, she was always kind to me when we were kids. I know I should not let this bother me, but it does because she, as well as others who never experienced abuse, don't accept it and have no clue what I have gone through as a result of my mother's abuse. I spent 4 years in therapy during my 30's because of my mother. I have two siblings who are alcholics (one is in recovery), another sibling will have nothing to do with any of the family. To give you an idea of my mother...she could never discipline us children...she did not want to be the bad guy so she put it on my father. If he did not discipline us as harshly as my mother felt he should, she would shew out horrible things regarding his manhood and how he was a failure as a husband and father. Because my father was an alcoholic, after days of listening to my mother's poison, he would get drunk and unleach his frustrations and anger on the offending child by beating them. My mother would watch the beatings and say, "You deserve it". When things went too far, she would blame my father and tell us how horrible he was. How can I explain this to someone who saw my mother as the personality she developed for other people?? How can I explain to people who have no clue that my only desire is to see that my mother (in her elderly years maintains her dignity and independence when they have heard otherwise from gossip?
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Thought I would post a funny (no disrespect to Jesse) just wanted to give you a chuckle.

Fellow passed away and found himself with St. Peter at the pearly gates. He was pretty nervous and St. Peter says " Don't worry. Everyone in Heaven is really nice, and warm, and friendly. Go on over to the orentation center and pick out some housing and I will see you at supper. We usually all get together towards evening." So off he goes and later; he is standing in line to eat when all of a sudden this fellow in a white coat. comes by and starts elbowing and pushing his way to the front of the line. Well he gets really nervous again and sees St. Peter a few paces behind him in line. So he goes to him and says " I thought you said everyone in heaven was warm and nice and friendly; what's up with that guy?" St. Peter chuckles and says " Oh, that's God; sometimes he likes to pretend he's a doctor." PEACE
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ya know the website shutterfly well I posted a journal entry/letter to my sister talking about said item being my wedding dress. I went to the website and she removed it...I am pissed because I think i am handling this maturely but her actions are childish especially concerning me to send her money to send my dress back after all the money we gave her awhile back...i do not believe in compensating for the hell I went thru and it is a simple matter....i wonder if i have to take her to people's court the television show. I mean we even got a letter from the state of indiana asking us about the condemned house they left behind asking us for the taxes on it ..I hate that she feeds off this crap but i did not make her life decisions for her and i should not be abused for it. just a vent bbl later working on my daughter's bday cake she is 7 today...
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Sorry I haven't been here for you all. This time it is my health.

Blessings Jesse, words are not coming to me to express the depth of what I am feeling. From my heart to yours...LOVE.
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well...i took things a step further and posted something on the family newsletter regarding my wedding yet to be recieved and found out i am having more tough time dealing with everything including dealing with a sister who thinks everything is a contest and i am plain tired of all the bs ...just on my last nerves and still waiting to hear from a friend of mine who i called already..
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Just a brief update. It's been two weeks since my wife's carpal tunnel surgery which leaves four more weeks for complete recovery. She's doing better, but I'm still literally "her right hand" man. She's getting a bit of cabin fever, but neither of us are up to getting out lately. Our so called repaired roof leaked again last week and the folks are going to try to fix it again at their own expense. This is my second week on an increase of B-12 and Folic Acide plus more testosterone since my recent lab work showed me low. However, I'm still having low spells of energy despite sleeping enough. Our youngest son will be home for spring break next week which will free me up to take mom's CPA the paperwork he needs for doing her and my step-dad's taxes. With all of the medical expenses not covered by her long term health insurance plus all of those back taxes from 2004 with penalties to pay, there was not a lot of interest earned from the bank this year. I bet she and my step-dad will not owe any taxes this year. However, he has not even started paying her back for his part of those past due tax years which her money paid for. We went over this last year, but after explaining it to him, he forgets why this must be done and his son who has durable POA refuses to pay on it from his dad's income from his trailer park. He owes my mother $37,000.
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Jessie, I bet that put a smile on both of your faces! :-) I have also done this with a calendar. I had to do the double-take look! But, you know, really, everyday is a "labor day" for most of us! :-) Take care today! ((((((Hugs)))))))
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A little side note. We talk about our parents' dementia on the group. Well... this morning I looked at the calendar and saw tomorrow was Labor Day. I went to the family room and let my mother know it was Labor Day. She later came back to my room to ask, "But isn't Labor Day in the fall?"

I thought for a minute. Tomorrow was Mar. 5. But it was written right there on the calendar. I checked again, and there it was "Labour Day"... in Australia.

One doesn't have to have Alz to say the darndest things.
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You all are wonderful. The whole family was over this afternoon and evening. I am exhausted. Tomorrow is going to be very full, too. I'm dreaming of the other side of this, thinking how nice it will be to rest and think. I learned today that the funeral list had increased from 35 to 85 people. We are going to have to ask our Lord to bless the refreshments in the reception so that they multiply. I am so glad that so many people care about our family members.
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JessieBelle, I am so very sorry to hear about your father. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family. It's sad to say, but many times the passing of a loved-one is what brings a family back together. It will be easier on all of you if you can all band together as a loving unit to morn your lose. I am sure that you father is up in heaven catching up with family and friends he hasn't seen in awhile...This is something I pictured when my father passed. Take care, and visit soon. We are all thinking of you!
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JessieBelle.. I had to get these words to you faster then I could type them.. You have so much on your plate now you sound so stressed and my heart truly goes out to you.. but please while you have your family together at some point when your mom is not in the room sit them all down and demand they help you w what the future holds now in dealing w/your moms different type of care.. When you wrote how your mom came to you w/her pulse rate..well it was like you were here at my house.. I think sometimes they get so lonely all they do is dwell on every little thing.. and for them it doesnt matter what time of the day or night it may be.. for us it is non-stop and it is so very overwhelming.. take this time w/your family members to at some point talk with them.. even if it is one weekend a month from one of them and a day here and there from another to pitch in and be there for you.. Believe me it will make the difference.. You are now going to be her everything.. Don't wait until you are alone dealing with it all to call someone for help, try to make some arrangements during their time with you.. Please know that I do understand this is a time you are all coming together for your father.. And my sincere sympathy is w/you all.. but we all come to this site for people to care about "our" needs.. So I'm thinking of your future needs.. Take a deep breath and remember you can only do so much..
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Jessiebelle, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your father. Yes, we in our family are experiencing what you described about your mom and dad having been buffers for one another. This was certainly going on with my mom and aunt, who passed in January. There will definitely be some adjustments, and I hope for you for the better. Well, no matter what, take of yourself, a big hug! May your father's spirit soar very high! Margeaux
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Thank you for the kind words. Things are busy here at the moment. We made the final funeral arrangements today and the family started coming in. To make things a bit more challenging, the sewer backed up, so we have a plumber coming out in the morning. We are also expected 12 family members tomorrow. My mother wants to go out to buy some shoes and a dress tomorrow. I hope I can convince her to wait until Monday, because tomorrow is so busy. But when she gets her mind set, it is hard to unset it. We're trying to be patient with her, since she just lost her husband of 65 year.

I was looking forward to oversleeping a bit this morning. Didn't happen. My mother came in and told me she needed to go to the hospital because her pulse was 96. I told her that was normal and not to worry. She then called my brother and a doctor about it. I got up and tried to deal with everything.

This made me realize that things are going to be very different now. When my father was alive, my parents were a bit like a buffer for each other. Now there is only me. It is going to be hard to be right there on the front line, instead of in the backfield. I am beginning to think that caring for one parent will be more demanding than caring for two. We will have to see.

My father's funeral is this week. All is arranged except the financial matters that have to be tended to (social security, insurance, etc.). We are all handling things as well as can be expected. It's an uneasy situation, though. I feel like things could change at any moment and we could be totally swamped. I hope not.
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My condolences to you Jesse on the passing of your father.Things have improved a bit between my 89 year uncle and myself.He changes his clothes a little more often and has agreed to wash himself once in awhile.But now I find myself cut off from a family member after I refused to return my brothers ashes after 7 years.My sister in law who has heart failure wants them back so she can eventually sprinkle them with her own all over her property.I refused to give the ashes back because I am now the legal owner and dont want them scattered.As a result,I am told I can never contact my nephew again and am never welcome in her home.
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((((((((Hugs))))))) jessie and condolences on your father's passing. I am glad he went peacefully. Also glad that your bro stepped up to the plate and pulled his weight. I know you have much to do in the next while. Take care of you and let us know how it is going and how you and your mum are. Prayers
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JessieBelle,so very sorry to hear about your father's passing.. I'm sure as you said these days ahead will be very busy and very emotional.. just take one day at a time you have been through a lot.. I wish you and your family peace during this difficult time.. God Bless you all...
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JessieBelle, sorry to hear about your father's death. Love and prayers for you and your entire family during these busy days ahead of you.
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Hi, everyone. My father passed away this afternoon. He was feeling bad this morning at the hospital, but picked up a little bit. He ate a good lunch and enjoyed the turkey he picked off the sandwich. Soon a rattle settled into his chest and death followed a bit later. I'm glad that my mother, my brother, and I were there with him when he left.

My brother has really stepped up this last week. He and his family has been champions. They gave me yesterday off from the hospital and brought my mother home. I was able to get a lot accomplished. We had called Hospice in today. We planned to take him home and set up a hospital bed in the family room. He did not live long enough to come home. He passed as peacefully as could be expected. I am glad that he is at peace now, because his suffering had been bad during the last couple of weeks.

Everyone here is okay. I know we'll be busy the next few days. I wish that dying was easier. There is so much work to be done at a time when we all just need to rest.
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Oh the drama is fun trust me...now they want to drive down here...I did get a chance to take a shower and my sister is taking the bull by the horns ignoring me calling her out ....then hubby has been on a morbid bent here lately...i do not know how to get him out of his funk and i still have to call ssa to see where the award letter is at and i need to get a hold of the life insurance company again they are suppose to send some down here to talk to me get a lot more crap straighten out before i renew hubby home care medicaid plan...live laugh n love but never scream they say unless ur having orgasm....hmm that would hit the spot if hubby wasnt feeling so poorly lol...
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Other thoughts that might help..and I know you are feeling more like running fast and far from everything,,so take a breath..here we have an agency on aging..check what is available in your area...we also have an information hot line..411....they will always point you in the right direction, and if we have it in Maine, you probably have it where you live...lay it on the line to that worker, and listen to all they say...have you checked the begining of your phone book..ours has lots of ideas for every kind of need out there...

As for yourself..take a good book, the newspaper, or favorite mag, run a hot bath, take a radio with you to tune out all the chaos going on outside the door, lock the door and give yourself 20 minutes to be a woman again..

Sounds like help in on the way with your friend coming to stay. While they too may be leaving drama, it will give you someone to laugh with, hug, and a friendly face, but most of all someone in your life WHO WANTS NOTHING!! In my prayers
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I have had the longest day of my life...not feeling well and severely depressed that I slept all day and my sister the selfish woman she is being still hasnt sent my dress like she is expecting me to wire her money to send it. I already sent money to a friend of mine who is trying make her way down my direction to reset and reboot her life and escape the drama especially the bad. she will be living with me for a few wks until the landlord until he comes back. I never had a day where i slept all day and the kids want spaghetti tonight . I am dying for help with everything to get out of this funk...
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Izbella, what a frustrating day you have had. I don't understand the nursing homes saying your mother does not need to be there when she can't live alone safely and you as well as your family are drowning while taking care of her while her biggest issue is that your husband did not say hello to her today. Even if he had, she could have forgotten it. I hope things go well with your son's medical issues.
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Izbella, you're being to hard on yourself. You're human. Everyone deserved to be loved, especially when you're hurting. Take a little break, if you can. Go buy yourself a nice treat, say a cupcake, or a piece of pie.
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