Follow
Share
Read More
Cattails.. You are very insightful and very honest.. and one thing about me I do appreciate honesty.. I am better to others then to myself.. I complain about being treated like crap and yet go back for more.. I am a complete peacemaker even if it is making peace by pushing the issues under the rug.. And I know my mom molded and trained me to be this way.. Ive mentioned in previous posts I am the youngest and when my horrible sisters hurt my mom I was her partner from a very young age.. helping her over it and all while doing that she expected me to help my sisters too.. I had to help them out of the mess they made.. My mom always told me you are stronger and wiser then they are..

Havin said all that.. I know I need to break a cycle of being to nice... and Im trying now by not answering my phone.. I really wish I had other options for my mom.. I have looked into everything.. She is very needy and she cannot be left alone because Im sure she has the early stages of demetia.. For me.. a NH is not an option.. a assisted living type facility would be wonderful..but she does not qualify for medicaid and her monthly SS is not enough for assisted living.. Ive looked into senior day care programs.. there are none where we live.. I keep hitting a brick wall for any help..

And you are so right.. Burned and I are alot alike.. as I said to her.. I think we both keep hoping our family members would step in and just say anything.. even give us an hr break.. so we keep hangin on to a unrealistic dream.. for me life has been hard but it always seemed God would give me one huge problem at a time.. this past yr he has just dumped one thing after another.. I had my mom move in first.. a week later my mastectomy.. then my son got so sick.. then my other sons asthma got very bad.. then my one sister was placed into a NH .. and my mom wants me to go to the NH to care for my sister there.. bring her stuff ect.. I handle everything for that sister.. talk to her Dr.'s ect..

So Im not making excuses..or whining about things I can change.. I have truly searched for answers of any kind.. for help of any kind.. sometimes we are just stuck.. so we come here.. because here is the only place that we can come and be ourselves..no one here expects us to be strong all the time..
(2)
Report

Izzy, your decision not to answer the phone calls is a wise one. Setting boundaries with difficult family members is necessary for our well being. I don't know the situation regarding your mother's health and if placing her in adult day care would help you to have more time to help your son. You are doing such a wonderful thing for your family members who need assistance and only you can know when is the time to place your mother in a NH. Continue to keep the boundaries in place regarding other family members as it will strengthen you more as time goes by. Take care of yourself as well and keep us posted on how things are going for you! ♥
(1)
Report

Izzy: I can't believe that you have a husband and children and a mom....all of them expecting you to make their lives better and no one understanding your heart and needs. You are a loving person. Maybe you need to get a 2 x 4 and start smacking some foreheads. Better yet, put your mom in a NH and find a nice quiet apartment for you. Change your cell phone number. Take care of the son that needs you and let the rest go. Here is the difference between you and Burned. You don't say anything and Burned says too much. I know I am going to get hate mail for this, but it's true. Burned rails on and on about her family. In her defense, she comes from a very dysfunctional family and she is young and doing the best she can for her husband and children. But she is wasting her time trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. So are you.

I read the post where you talked about doing laundry and then just broke down crying because of your son's situation. You are the only person in that house with a heart worth keeping. Maybe you can't support yourself and so you don't feel like you can make a move, but you need too.

Honey, your life is calling you. You know who is important and who is just draining you. I realize that their are financial consequences to placing your mom. I can only hope that she would qualify for medicaid.

Izzy, you are a precious star. Don't latch on to behavior that you can relate to, latch on to something better.

I have read many posts on this website, but you are in the top 10 of those who are so good and pure. Stop being so good and pure. Take care of your young son and you. To hell with the rest. My heartfelt love and prayers are with you.
(1)
Report

I am glad for this thread. Just found it today. My Dad is soon to be 86 in Late stage Dementia. I struggle with two sisters who want to make decisions based on their needs and not on his needs. One sister wanted to place him in an assisted living facility rather than a Facility with a memory unit where he has done some respite, Because the Assisted Liv. Facility was 3 minutes from her home but an hour away from everyone else because she was tired of driving out to his house. I Have a therapist that I have worked with on and off and she has been with me through several transitions. It is a safe place to sort things out. I am my dad's primary caregiver but not POA or finances although I do all of those things when it is inconvenient for my sisters. I Stay focused on what is best for my Dad and what do I need to do for Me. Thanks again for this thread
(1)
Report

Burned-- I have to say my heart truly goes out to you.. I really never knew in all the time Ive been coming to this group for so much support (THANK YOU ALL!!) The real situation with your husband.. I always said to myself "that I wish you would just tell that SIL of yours off" haha.. Seriously.. you need support from family..not added stress over a dress or anything else.. and its so unfair for them to put you through that now.. I also have a family that is selfish and only thinks about their feelings and their needs.. I have now gotten to a point where I do not even take their calls.. because I know it will just bring me upset and stress.. and really we have as you said enough on our plate to deal with their drama.. When my son was in the hospital last week and my mom was at home, I was running back and forth to care for both plus I have another son.. and if my phone rang and it was "family" I was hoping so bad they were calling to offer some type of help,or even support.. but that was not the case.. they were calling about something for them.. so now I dont pick up.. You see I truly do know the feeling of being so pissed at family you just wanna shake them and say.. "Dont you see what Im going through everyday?".. Dont put more stress on yourself burned.. you dont deserve it.. and karma is a wonderful thing.. they will see one day that all you really wanted was one of their phone calls to be about helping or being their for you and your family.. I also have no break with the care of my mom and now that my son needs me so much with his health issues I feel as you do torn.. Your husband needs you as do your children... so more stress is the last thing you need.. perfect line.. "you are not a secretary!!".. I have found a type of release for all the resentment I have towards my sisters.. Is I write it all in a journal.. as if I was telling them without the screaming match.. It helps get it off my chest and just throw it away so to speak.. between that and coming here.. it saves me from loosin it all together.. God Bless you and yours.. Izzy
(2)
Report

Thanks to everyone,this group is great!! Sometimes it is hard to just get over something Christy (burned). The harder it is to get our minds around an issue and the disappointment of the behavior of a family member, the longer it can take to come to terms with the situation. @ emjo, thank you for sound advice. Saying something neutral is best. My sister and I are on talking terms with our mother again after 2 months of mom's accusations. I am hoping my mom grew out of the situation as my sis and I held our ground and wouldn't let her manipulate us with comments like "I want to die." I just tell my mom when she talks like that, "You sound like a 12 year old girl." @ Ucantcare2much, so happy your MIL is doing better. It takes a lot off our shoulders when our loved ones are well and the worry is not weighing us down while we take care of them. Enjoy the weekend everyone!
(0)
Report

Burned: It sounds like your husband could qualify for Hospice care. It's not about a nurse coming in once a week. Often Hospice can provide you with free respite care and that is something you could sure use. There are two types of Hospice. One is covered by Medicare and the care is provided at the Hospice facility. That is not the one you would want to be involved with at this time. The other type of Hospice care is non-profit. They provide trained nurses and many well trained volunteers. They do not take medicare and therefore are not bound to such rigid guidelines. Everything they do is free to the patient and their families.

My father lives with us and he qualified for Hospice (the local non-profit type). He would not have qualified for a Medicare funded Hospice facility because they require that the doctor state that the patient have 6 months or less to live. That is not the case with the non-profit, volunteer Hospice.

My father's doctor made a referral to the non-profit Hospice for my dad and they accepted him. Now, my dad could live another year or more or he could be gone next week. That made no difference to them and he was accepted into their program. They can be very helpful in providing equipment that you might need. They are there to support you just as much as they are there to help your husband. Often, they have a working relationship with some care giving groups and can provide you with someone to come in and do the bathing at no charge or just stay for a couple of hours to give you a break. Sometimes they have volunteers who will come in and let you have a break. They are very kind people and will not bombard you with things you don't need.

Talk to you husband's doc and see if he/she will make a referral for you. Then you can talk to the Hospice people and see if it's something that works for you.
(0)
Report

Sorry, I did not read the latest in the thread.
(0)
Report

Anyone heard from Izabella lately?
(0)
Report

We are still waiting for the cardiologist to confirm his condition and he has CHF besides empeyma and epilepsy and copd some contracture due to not enough calicium but he made it through another year ..more concerned with his emotional and mental state of mind...so far i haven't need a wkly visit from a nurse or anything like but it hurts the children to see him this way especially our oldest and alll his insurance would end up going to nursing home which I am not gonna do unless he requires much more than what I can. He can go for another couple more yrs or be gone by summer but he is tough n ornery. He is hanging on I think because he doesn't think i can handle single motherhood when in essence been doing that for a long time. I give him the best attention and answer his needs as best as I can but sometimes with day to day stuff its not enough. I cannot get a respite break unless i put him in NH they told me that so its not happening. I am still trying to get him to the pulmonologist and neurologist he keeps fighting on me on that and i keep fighting back...mostly he feels he has let everyone down and I let him know that is not the case; you have been doing what ya can but now you see how important is for me to be there for you instead of burdening yourself. Sometimes that works but what is mess up none of his family calls to see how he is doing and none of mine call either and I refuse to be the family secretary because i have too much on my plate as it is. So if i get offended I will let ya know but normally i just ignore some things being said ...we cannot help families only ourselves granted if we do not want to release on the one we love we need to release where its safe.
(0)
Report

Burned: You can give your daughter a wedding dress that comes from your heart and your love for her. It doesn't have to be the one your mom made. It can be store bought or hand made by you. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that she knows how much you love her. You say you and your mom have some estrangement. Why bring any of that to your daughters wedding, ie the dress. You can make your own traditions and give your personal love to your daughter in so many meaningful ways. I know it's hard for you, but try to let the dress go. You and your love for your children are enough, you don't need the dress.

May I ask what is your husband's prognosis? In past things you have written, it sounds like his time is limited, but I'm not sure if I understood that correctly. I'm wondering if Hospice is an option for you.

You don't owe me an apology. Having said that, I will be honest with you. I will, however, make a point of not being so hard nosed about it.
(0)
Report

Jo and Liz.. Thank you for your words of such kindness.. I have kinda faded away for a bit.. It was overwhelming to say the least when my son was in the hospital.. trying to handle being there and home to care for my mom.. but I survived as did everyone else.. I do believe now god pulled me through that week.. by the hair I think..but he did.. And now I gotta face caring for them both at home.. and I will admit some days it gets the best of me... My mom has become in so many ways my "child".. We wait for our kids to get be a certain age and have a little more freedom and peace.. only to start all over again.. just like when kids are little we are not able to come and go as we please because they depend on us to care for their every need.. and then we start over with our parents...And some days are worse then other days.. So having this site to come to on those days to vent is a true blessing..

I have to jump in a defend cattails.. I dont mean to offend anyone.. but we ALL have other problems added to the caregiving we provide to our loved ones.. everyday drama that we all face with our families.. But if we ALL kept on one topic in our comments that really never had much to do directly with the daily emotional and physical stress being a caregiver involves then what would this site really be for?? Other then a place to come to just vent whatever.. I truly believe catails was trying to say this regarding the "wedding dress" issues we All know about.. I dont believe in anyway cattails was telling burned not to vent on here.. we are all here to support you burned.. we are all here for eachother..
(3)
Report

TY, apology accepted...to a degree long distance my parents are concerned but dealing with my grandfather who has prostate cancer and my other grandmother possibly dying of diabetes. MY sister has forever assume were in some race and the fact is she blew up when I ask her when can i get the dress back . There are two reasons for it one my mother made it and 2 its an inheritance to my daughter of course with alterations if she prefers but I rather wear something made with love n care.

My twin sister, I have blocked her on my cell phone and FB and messenger until she grows some maturity and her path is wholly different from mine. She tried to talk my husband into becoming his poa when we were living with her while I cooked and cleaned raise my 2 and her 3 kids. I finally got tired of the hypocrisy and the Bs...before I left i told them off. I had paid rent for a lil room at 500 a month and paid her property taxes to find she was using the money in a way that didnt benefit her family as a whole. She knew she taken advantage of the situation and small part why my husband ended up with a stroke in 09 leaving him paralyzed on his left side. Moving into my sister was act of help and mercy and I recieve neither; I recieved no help from the state that I was born in and because of her busybody nonsense end up sanctioned too many times.

I left for Arizona and I like the town I am in but I am always fighting head on with the medical and state/govt lvl to keep the aid i have currently and balance bills and raise 2 kids . I hope you accept my apology for blowing up...at that time what you said did have hold stock and I was dealing with it. I do have a therapist I talk to. I just do not get a chance to see her like I need too. We been trying to put me on a twice month appt time but end up with once of month. I also have a couple real good friends that support me but cannot be here. We all have one of those in our families and then we have one of those ostracized for being pragmatic and speaking truth which is in my case. It had taken me nearly 5 yrs to earn my stepdad respect. My mother and I will always have that bit of estrangement cannot be helped. Also to an extent all of us lovely ladies and gents have a right to defend on ourselves when we feel were being attack but it does happen. Sometimes alot of us have extremely bad days dealing with it all. I am just grateful for my children and my faith.. that is what keeps me going.
(1)
Report

Believe it or not, I am a very caring and supportive person. Nevertheless, I guess you are correct in saying that this web site is a place to vent. Burned, I am very sorry for the situation with your husband and, while I don't walk in your shoes, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you taking care of him and two children with no help.

Sometimes, I wish there was more constructive suggestions that could be offered to you. (Not that my suggestion was constructive) I wish you could get some professional counseling to help you navigate the turmoil in your life. I wish you could get help in letting go of the people in your life that are toxic and annoying so you could find some peace at least from dealing with them. The anger and resentment you have towards your husband's family and your sister are understandable, but allowing their actions to consume you is not healthy. All the steps you have taken to get their assistance have not worked because these people are who they are and they are not going to help you.

Your sister is a total ass. How she could jerk you around over your wedding dress, knowing the stress you are under and the loss you deal with is unforgivable. I wish you would cut her out of your life completely. Yes, the dress is yours, but the stress of dealing with her to try and get her to send it to you is detrimental to your health and mental well being.

If you want a better life for yourself, then I hope you can find a way to stay clear of your sister and your husband's family. That is a choice you can make and a positive step you can take. It's the only thing you have control over.

It may sound mean spirited to tell you this, but you can also choose to spend the rest of your life tied up with the same people and the baggage they bring and continue to rant about them for the next 20 years. If people want to be supportive of you, then it might be helpful if they were more honest about the reality of your options.

Another suggestion is maybe you could talk about these people from the point of how it hurts you. Talk about the loss rather than the anger and maybe you would find more relief.

My original post to you was rude and I apologize. I am saying it now as I should have said it originally.
(2)
Report

burned - you have a whole bunch on your plate, and at a young age, with a young family - don't know how you cope. I think many of us who come here for support don't have supportive families, in fact have families that cause us trouble- (((((hugs)))))
austin -right on
ucant -so glad you mil is recovering well. and SD 's meds are gettinbg sorted out. Thanks - it was a very good minivac - just a couple of days but did a lot me of good.
Hope to hear from more who have been absent for a while.
(3)
Report

Izzy, haven't seen you on here in awhile...how are you doing?....how's your mother?...I hope everything is OK......You are both still in my thoughts and prayers :-).......(((((((((Hugs!)))))))))) Liz ;-)
(1)
Report

jo, thanks for wondering how I'm doing...pretty good, thanks!...My MIL is still recovering from her emergency gall bladder surgery...she is doing MUCH better...my SD( w/early onset ALZ) had a "small issue" with his meds...but he's OK......sounds like you had a nice little "vacation!"....You deserved it! ((((((HUG!))))) Take care!
(1)
Report

Good for you Burnd this is the place to discuss our problems and thank goodness most people are supporting and helpful.
(2)
Report

I did get over and i told her to keep the damn thing but I lost my grandmother last yr and tied with the verbal criticism that my sister tossed in my direction when I helped with her no complaint and got use in the end. yeah it may be a tired drama but its my dress...just tired of her bs and her taking things out of context. I can't depend on my sister or my husband family for anything so if you do not like the drama then bring up on of your issues ok. I have been going thru hell dealing with my husband's various illness and govt trying to keep things smooth and keep my job as his aide if that ain't enough for you to like then ignore my posts. You do not understand the negative impact of having no real familial support which I should be having. I have no one to watch my husband while i do errands and I take care of bathing besides more and raise 2 young children and if you think ur drama is better than mine go for it. I am dealing with the forget it issue as it stands so again try living in my shoes battling the world and wishing you had someone to actually listen too and not treat blood like cash cows and slave labor then we can talk until then is my rant...so if you do not like my statement of who i am or what I am going thru then ignore my posts...its that simple ...I am on this site for support for many different things.
(2)
Report

burned - personally, I don't mind hearing about the wedding dress, which I know is just one of the issues you have with your sister and in your situation. It is easy for someone to say "Get over it", but until they walk in your shoes...
austin - good to see you back and hope you had a good break - re the notifications, they have a new system and for me it is not working as well. I wonder if a word to the administrators is in order.
brandy - glad you came out with it. I know it is frustrating for you to be told both to "butt out", and also that you are not there enough.
jessie - wondering how you are doing and how mum is. The time after can be hard and needing a lot of adjustment
sharynmarie - sounds like you have been through and resolved a lot. I am glad you and your sister can support one another, considering all you have to deal with. I understand about things that still can trigger the past. When people say how great my narcissistic, emotionally abusive, manipulative mother is, I just say something neutral usually, or once in a while give them a clue.To some people she is great, and that's good for them.
cmag - it seems all the work you have put into therapy is paying off - great!! Hope you get that $37,000.
wondering how ucantcare2much, banshee, margeaux and, of course, izabella (still in my prayers) are - and anyone else I have forgotten.
I have been away as G had business on Vancouver Island for a few days, so we combined it with some sight seeing which we thoroughly enjoyed. It was great to see some flowers in bloom, and green grass, as well as the ocean and mountains. A swim in the pool, walking in parks, and just a break really does help!
Love, hugs and prayers
jo
(2)
Report

Burned: When are you going to get over the wedding dress? You have been talking about that forever. Let it go and let your sister go. What does it take for you to find a new way. I think you are wallowing in this "wedding dress" and "sister" issue. You have enough on your "in your face" issues with your husband and your children. Maybe the facebook stuff and you sister are just a distraction that you go to because things are so difficult at home. Nevertheless, enough is enough. JC, stop with the wedding dress drama.
(3)
Report

* need
(0)
Report

Sad News I had to cut ties with my sister because she took the wedding dress issue out of context. She told me I was stuck in my own world and that I get everything I need at beck n call. She took advantage of the situation and now she is trying to be a bully again. She had the nerve to say my husband is a slob and my children are the devil spawn. I am hurt by all this and yet it was a simple matter...so I blocked her on my FB and on my cell phone ...I do not her drama and I do not need to be criticized for the hell I am going through. Her and I have never seen eye to eye and she always I am projected better thou attitude tho I know for a fact she isn't satisfied with her life. I have made peace with our family circumstances and I accept what is happening. I am not crying over money when there is none to be had and I am just done trying to mend a relationship that is never gonna happen so I have to accept the loss like i have of my brother and my half sister which I can't explain that one..I guess its part of the golden child syndrome but I can't tolerate Bs from someone who lies and manipulates everyone to get her way because that is not me . Personally some ppl still need to grow up..
(1)
Report

Hi I am going to jump in here-just got home from 12 days away and noticed I did not get any postings from AC while I was gone-have they changed things a gain -before I went away they were sending many posts in one line and also sending those from each thread-so now I will have to go to each thread and read up what I missed I guess-it seems strange that I did not get any commets.
(0)
Report

It stands for nursing home. NH
(1)
Report

Christy, you can see an attorney for one visit only (consultation) with a no fee. In your case, an elder law attorney would not be necessary since your husband is not elderly. I suggest you call around because they will give you very helpful information which will help you in ways you may not be aware of now. My sister and I saw an elder law attorney, spent at least an hour with her if not more. She looked over the DPOA we have from my mother's elder law attorney and explained many things we had not considered. You don't have to have DPOA or a POA to see them. Look into all areas even if you think it will be the same old answers.
(1)
Report

it might as well be the same for my husband...we move to Az thinking his Family would help for a change and no got the same kind of treatment nearly to what we had living with my sister. It is always about the money not the person who is ill and I cannot afford elder care lawyer but I know his siblings think they deserve something at his passing not gonna happen. I been married to my husband for nearly 11 yrs and have 2 children and Ill be damned if they take away what is given to me. Yeah it gets crazy but blood is all relative nowadays and just recently I ended contact with my sister cuz she was too lazy to send my dress cod after all my family did for her and yes the greenbacks are her god. She goes nuts if she doesnt see a paycheck. Where as I been able to budget on less than 1100 a month that is combine his ssdi and my paycheck from the agency to be his aide. I go through hurdles not to waste money yet money is a trap. Do what ya have to do ...do not let ur sister bully ur mom...no matter the issues all children deserve to have something from their parents.
(0)
Report

@ Brandywine, I am not sure what HN stands for so my suggestion to you is to see and elder law attorney. Not the attorney your mother uses. A consultation is free and they will give you the time to state your concerns and advice you. Your sister cannot trace you here on this site so don't worry. If your mother has a Will and has set your sister up as DPOA, the only way the will can be changed is if your mother changes it. If you think your sister can influence your mother to leave everything to her, then I would seek the advice of an attorney. In the mean time, you may want to document everything you do for your mother etc. My sister and I share DPOA and we work together. The problem we have is our mother (Alzheimer's and Schzoid Personality Disorder) make it almost impossible to help her until the Alzheimer's progresses further along. I am so sorry you have to go through this because it seems that when it comes money, it can tear siblings apart. It is so sad that people let their ego get in the way of being a family. I have heard many stories from others where this has been the case and after the parent has passed, siblings are not longer speaking to each other. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you see an Elder Law Attorney for advice!!
(1)
Report

Sister has the POA. By keeping her out of the NH.
(0)
Report

Your sister sounds very passive/aggressive to me. Who has the durable and medical POA for your mother. How are you trying to preserve your inheritance?
(1)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter