The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

i got one for hubby his own fb and no one posts on there not even family so its a mystery to me. I am tired but I had taken a small nap but just waiting for my kids to go bed...hubby is doing something i dunno what but glad he is moving around but taking it easy...I just love my small family they make me feel warm n cuddly.

Happy Sunday everyone! Hope the weekend has been a time of needed rest and relaxation.For those of you who several family members you need to keep up to date and find it hard to make all those phone calls etc. I found a solution for my family. I created a private group on facebook with all the family. I post updates about health issues regarding my mom and my sister. Other facebook friends can not see the posts which is great because I don't want my general friend list knowing personal info. Everyone is updated and can respond to the posts. If you have disagreeable members who want to start trouble in the family group, you can easily remove them from the group. It works great for our family because we are scattered all over the country.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, take a bubble bath and relax because you deserve it!♥

burned.. you have the perfect name.. "burned" is just what I feel.. These last few days have been draining.. mostly emotionally.. I remember days when I was working 16 hr shifts and I was never this "burnt-out".. My husband cannot comprehend when I tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house and go to work.. just to have conversations with people that dont include problems of some sort.. talking to dr's.. and repeating the same things over and over again to my mom.. I dont blame her for this new person she has become but I will admit it does get the best of me many days.. and as many of us have said.. "if we could only get a break once in while".. I would welcome even just a couple hrs. just to me..

We found out my moms cousin (who has been more of a sister relationship to her) , Is now in a NH.. She is not handling this well at all.. se calls here crying.. se is in a horrible state of depression.. Infact she asked if she could come stay w/me since I am home and her daughter works.. well I couldnt get "NO" out fast enough!!.. Im sure if I did not have the serious issues with my son I would of probably said yes.. but I have to put him first.and that is not so easy as it is.. When this whole situation came up with moms cousin, Mom took this also very hard.. she sobbed and begged me to never put her in a NH.. she kept repeating how scary it would be to live w/strangers.. I will say "it broke my heart" to see her.. this woman that was always so strong now like my child.. and her whole life in my hands.. Ive tried to put myself in her shoes.. and think how I may feel not knowing what the future holds for me.." will someone get tired of me".. So now I know after seeing her and how it took me so long to just calm her down.. I could never put her in a NH.. I know there are some very nice ones.. (and in no way do I down anyone who chooses NH care for their loved one).. but for my mom she would die.. and I would never forgive myself.. I dont know how Im going to do it.. I really just move through life lately as a robot.. I see my mom some moments of the day somewhat like she use to be.. then other times she cannot remember if and when she last ate.. One day at a time is all I can do.. and for now.. my son has to come first..
I do often wonder.. What God's plan is for making life so difficult this past year.. There must be a reason why everyday he adds yet one more thing to the pile of problems.. I tend to try to analyze every situation.. and I know that is why I feel God has some kind of plan for making life so difficult..

I wish everyone a beautiful, blessed weekend!

Well burned, we are all in a fog just because, haha! I'm not making fun of you, just all our situations♥! My sis called the Alzheimer's Aid Society and there happened to be an attorney there who answered my sis' question: "How can we get our mother diagnosed when she refuses to see a neurologist?" The attorney said we would have to call the police to do a welfare check.If the police find her to be unable to take care of herself they will force her to go to the hospital where a neurologist will do a thorough exam. If she is found unable to care for herself then we can take action such as placing her in long term nursing care since we both have to work. The attorney also advised sis that we would have to get conservatorship when she is declared incompetent. This is an expensive process that I disagree with because my thoughts are if mom is declared incompetent and place in a NH, why would we need a conservatorship? We already have DPOA so wouldn't we still be able to advocate for her under the DPOA? Please advise if anyone has info one this.

Burned: I'm glad you found your wallet. Thanks be to honest people who find something and turn it in for the owner. There is a little angel looking after you. I'm relieved and happy you got it back.

well tonight went smooth with hubby except son is still up and daughter is sleeping...as usual boys getting into stuff...of course my husband doing some lite stuff to help me out but i am more concerned about his rest. I got nearly everything finished for the renewal of his home care plan just need the award letters from ssa so I can move on to the next step. Monday I fax my payroll in but still got to mop the floor and do laundry.. the excitment never ends not even with this wierd head cold I have but what can ya expect when ur half in a fog and not with it.

Margeaux, thanks for asking about my wife. She is biting at the bit for that hand to fully recover from the surgery. Her back pain and right foot pain have made it tough for her to get a good night's sleep lately. Thus, she is still rather dependent on me to do a lot of things.

I hope that everyone has a nice spring weekend!

Everyone, I don't know where this week went. It flew right by, and I just wanted to wish everyone a Wonderful Spring! Spring is a time of rebirth, planting seeds.
So in the spirit of Spring time, let's try to sew/sow, (not sure which one) both are good, of positive change so that we may grow and invite fresh energies into whatever it is we are doing in our lives. Que bella la Primavera! Margeaux

Jessebelle,

Where are you? I'm just wondering, since I'm well aware of the transitions that occur after someone has passed away I hope that you are taking care of yourself first and foremost of all, then hopefully the care of your mom is a bit calmer for you. Send you love and lots of light. Margeaux

Cmagnum, How are you and your wife doing? Has she made some progress as a result of her recent surgery? I hope all is well with you also. We all know here you are a jewel! I agree w/others here that, "Where we would all be w/o this thread!?
Thank You! Margeaux

Burned I am so glad you found your wallet-one less problem for you to deal with.

Good for you Christy, on all counts. Hope the Nyquil helps!

Good news got some nyquil may beat this thing and TG my wallet was found at Dollar General and the ppl in this town are so respectable and nothing was stolen but just in case still did what I did. I got to ask for extension if possible about hubby's long term care and now i am ready for bed...ya know no drama...been free of that problem since I cold shouldered my sis ....letting go tho it hurts and life is too short but I will not be the end of bad situation in her life,

i do manage my mouth when I am at the doctor's office ...just trying to get them to understand my husband isnt well is the problem. The same doc I mention likes to make light of what hubby goes thru which doesn't settle well with him. Alas, since he is still sound of mind nothing can be done in the meantime except grin it and bear it. Just more frustrated with the healthcare system than the doctors. Trust me i am very patient until i get accused of something that I am doing and know I am not doing...some doctors want to look for a scape goat and others mean well to the point of doing their job efficiently so its a matter of what you get what ya paid for. It's my twin sister i have issue with not my half sister...yeah i wish i could talk to her but she is young and enjoying her life so I do not want to step on her toes.

emjo: Thanks for asking about me. My husband and I retired in June 2004 and moved out of state, from California to Washington. We ended up bringing my parents up here in Oct. 2005. Talk about co-dependent. My problem not my husband's. It's been a grind. My mom passed away in Dec. 2008, my dad had a stroke this past July, he's been living under our roof since Oct. 5, 2011, after he got out of rehab. It's a difficult time for us. My dad gets excellent care here and I am very good with details and have a somewhat medical background, but I long for the time that my husband and I can truly retire and enjoy living and not the dying of others. Hugs to you and all your wisdom.

Burned: I agree with sharynmaire. She's asking you to take a calmer approach. You can't treat the doctors like you treat your sisters. Making your way in life is not about telling everyone off. You need allies and support. Sometimes it may be that you misinterpret what the doctor is saying. That could happen because you have felt so abused by family members and you are very defensive. Listen to what they are saying before you react. A therapist once told me that others may not take things the same way I do. I was defensive and so I took things to heart and thought they were criticizing me. I was in my 20's then, but it was a big wake up call to me and also a relief. You have come from a really bad place and you have more than most do on their plate. Nevertheless, you have some growing up to do. You need to learn to manage your mouth and what you say to those who are not family. Unfortunately for you, it comes at a time when you have an overwhelming burden. If you can learn to do better, under the circumstances you live with, you will be able to accomplish anything in the future. My love goes out to you. I know you hate to hear my opinion, but I told you I would give you my truthful opinion. It doesn't mean I don't care. On the contrary, I care very much. Please try to do better. You need support. Don't push it away.

Burned, thank you for answering my questions. I wish so much I could advise you. I am glad that the issue of poisoning has past with the dr. You might try a different approach with the dr. since they really are your alley. I know it is frustrating when you feel you are being put off by the dr. but try a calmer approach. Lots of love and hugs to you as you journey through this and know we are here to support you♥!!

Thank you emjo. I just got home it is 9:26pm. I have been at the hospital with my sister since 9:15am. The dr. punctured the right groin artery and placed a stint there another on the left groin artery and a third down her right leg. She has a good strong pulse in both ankles now. This will reduce pain in her legs as well as increase circulation in her legs which is vital for diabetics. So glad it is over as it has been a long day. I am going to get something to eat and go to bed. Thank you for your support♥!!

Lol i am getting paid via thru healthcare agency here in Az and yes were legally married be 11 yrs come this august. Doctor thing is that they think i can't handle or it wont let until more tests are done. I usually get the byline and that is it. Apparently my track record for blowing up at doctors has followed me here so i do not know if i put them on eggs shells or not..nor do i care anymore.

Only way i can switch doctors if I take him to another clinic in a different town and repeat the BS instead I refuted any wrong doing and ask her myself where can I buy this stuff i am supposedly harming my husband and if u suspect why haven't you had the local sheriff investigate the house for this black market drug. She sat there stunned and said nothing so i knew she was trying to get me to admit to something in my lifetime ill never to do my husband or children...but i haven't heard any new accusations so i assume the path is clear.

* life to live,

Margeaux -quote "if I try to say something to my sister about being mindful not to become overly involved, etc. that I sense it hits a nerve w/her, since she has a 22 yr. old daughter still living w/her who I wrote about previously, who acts like a diva. Yes, and my sister is already showing, and telling me what she plans on doing now that my brother is in the circumstance he's in. At another level, I don't think that's any of her business. I love my sister, however I don't like this taking over, and as you've said not allowing things to just be, or the people who need to take responsibility for their own problems"

Amen to that Margeaux - and like she cannot "fix" your bro, you cannot "fix' her. I think you already know that. You made some very good decisions to detach years ago - good for you

sharynmarie - yes, there is a legacy to dysfunction and it is not a nice one. I am sorry your sis is in such a state from mot looking after herself. Our health is definitely not something we can take for granted - we have to take care of ourselves, or we suffer the consequences.
re caregiving there is evidence that caregiving takes a big toll on the caregiver's health. It hardly makes sense that while caregiving a senior who is easing out of this life, that we ease ourselves out 20 or 30 years prematurely. God gave us each a life to life, and purpose to that life. I don't think it is to cater to a narcissistic, unhealthy family member who shows us no respect, and creates stress, strife and tension in our homes - my view anyway. If I was catering to my mum the way she wants me to, I would be involved with her hours a day (even at a distance) and being "jerked" around emotionally. That is not God;s plan for anyone's life -I am convinced of that. No one other human being should be the center of our life.

snow again here - by spring cannot be far away. Hope everyone has a good day.
Love, hugs and prayers
jo

Izzy, I have many relatives with no blood connections. Even on facebook, one gal asked if she could be lisited as my sister, and I said yes. In fact I have ignored a friend request from my own sister as her words, and actions are not loving, but cutting down and hurtful. I can't and won't play the game any more. Some of us have chosen to build up our "families" with people who truely care about us. I have no blood brothers , but several good male friends. Over the years, I known several wonderful, caring, women I looked to as models for a mother, and with whom I had good relationships. My father, though he had his faults as we all do, was loving, so I did not need a substitute for him. I have a number of terrific, caring girl friends who are there for me. They are my "sisters". One I have known for over 40 years, I have a few "extra" children whose families have let them down. It is all part of looking after me. My blood family is who they are, but I can create loving relationships with many others, who build me up and are there for me in the hard times. It is one of the ways I survive, and even thrive.
Love to you today, Izzy. ♥♥♥
Remember what others think of you is none of your business, so make some good choices for you!
((((((hugs)))))
jo

I dont know if everyone feels this way, but--- There is something so comforting about turning on your comp. and you see messages sent and they are words of comfort..concern.. and also some wonderful advice.. I find it so ironic how we can get comfort from people we have never met and yet people we have known our entire life and some most of our lives are no where to be found during a time when emotionally we need them more then ever.. That is why when I say "thank-you" when someone reaches out to me, I truly mean it..

Later I will post more.. for now Im a little to drained to even put my thoughts together to write.. but I had to say those words.. I wish everyone a beautiful day

Burned, I am confused as to how you are able to get paid to care for your husband. Who is paying you, the state or a healthcare agency? I hope I do not offend you with this next question, are you legally married? And one more, why continue to see a doctor who has accused you of trying to poison your husband? You don't have to answer any of these if you find it to personal, I understand♥

March 21st., I am spending the day with my sister at the hospital for an out-patient surgery. My sister has no children in our state and I am taking her in to have stints put in her left leg. It will be a long day as she has to lay flat for several hours after the procedure to make sure the artery is sealed before releasing her. You see, my sister was an alcoholic for many years so she would not get blood work done for fear of the doctors finding out she was alcoholic. She quit drinking 4 years ago because she knew something was wrong. With 6 months of sobriety under her belt, her health became worse. She was diagnosed with stage 4 diabetes. Doctors figure she was diabetic for at least 10 years before diagnosis. She suffers from low blood pressure (causes light headedness, muscle weakness and fatigue), and severe neuropathy from nerve damage as a result of high blood sugar all those years she was drinking. She still works full time in an office which works for her because she sits most of the day. However she can not be too physically active because it causes her blood pressure to drop. The legacy of dysfunction takes it toll!! Please take care of yourselves, our health is not something that we can take for granted, (((hugs and love to everyone)))!!

Emjo, I remember few pages ago reading that you'd been in contact with your nephew. It sure is strange when oddly enough some family members oust good people. This was an interesting point also, what you've shared about your niece and the addiction. In my brother's family also, he and the wife in the background have always indulged in their share of alcohol. Fortunately, they have both held it together on the work front. But I guess these two escaped somewhat. Instead of working as a team with respect to raising their kids, and the marriage,they always were on opposite ends. Neither of them instilled any manners, responsibilities. Two of their kids have a new baby each, a seven year old. Neither of them are married to the other parent, so guess where these grandchildren spend lots of time? At my brothers. It's so the complete opposite family education that my dad taught us in our household, because he was rather strict with us. Mom, was not the person who was at all in charge of discipline, so I can't say I credit her w/this part of our social education in the home.
My brother has made complete mush out of those kids of his. Even throughout the years, my other siblings and me have realized how socially undeveloped they are.
Well, thank you very much for your input. On a very personal level for me, I being the eldest of the four siblings, and because I had to be so in charge since I was so young, I decided years ago that I'd be minimally involved once each of us went our separate ways with our lives. Well, I can tell when even now for what's going on, if I try to say something to my sister about being mindful not to become overly involved, etc. that I sense it hits a nerve w/her, since she has a 22 yr. old daughter still living w/her who I wrote about previously, who acts like a diva. Yes, and my sister is already showing, and telling me what she plans on doing now that my brother is in the circumstance he's in. At another level, I don't think that's any of her business. I love my sister, however I don't like this taking over, and as you've said not allowing things to just be, or the people who need to take responsibility for their own problems.

Once again, thanks, your very insightful emjo! Hugs, Margeaux

not too long at all Margeaux - I do think you are right about your sis wanting to rescue and fix them - that is codependent - it disables them and doesn't allow them to receive consequences, and learn from life. I have some sympathy for your concern about your bro and his family. My (narcissistic) sister's family is a bit of a mess. Her daughter, and daughter's husband are alcoholic - she shares a house with them, and says they drink a little (as whole lot all the time), and she is estranged from her son who had a lovely accomplished wife and a beautiful 5 yr old son. Long story short she has disinherited her son, and has little to do with them. I considered the situation, and have reached out to my niece and nephew. With the niece, she and I openly discussed addictions, and I said I would support her in any way I could. With the son, and his wife I am developing a long distance relationship, letting them know I am appalled at my sis's behaviour towards them, I am remembering their son's birthday etc. It is all I can do - basically be supportive. When I was teaching at the college, I saw a family with 4 young adult sons living at home - sounds similar to your brother's household. One of them was on some of my classes, and all I could do was encourage him towards the independence he said he wanted. It is dreadful how young people can be handicapped by not being encouraged and supported towards independence.

Truely Margeaux, no one can rescue anyone else. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. You can support your bro to a healthier lifestyle, if he wants one, or through whatever he is going through healthwise, you can be available to be supportive to his kids too, but they have to take the steps. It is not healthy to get so involved that it is a detriment to your own life. I agree entirely that they created their own dysfunction, and only they can work their way out of it. And don't let them take up too much space in your head either - basically that means don't worry about them. To be concerned is normal, to spend a lot of time worrying is not good for you.

As far as your sis is concerned, I don't know how she plans on "fixing" a family - driving out there when she herself has a sore throat wasn't the best thing she could do for herself. Sounds like she has enough on her plate right now with your mum, and anyway, no one can "fix" anyone else.

Take care. I think you are on the right track. Your bro is a grown man - time to put his big boy boxers on and deal with his life.

izzy - I am with the others - your son needs 100% of your attention at the mayo. Mum will pitch a fit of some kind but so...? It is her choice to deal with it gracefully or not, and your choice to go along with her or not.

burned - hope your head is better

cattails - how are things at home with you?

cmag - hope things are resaonable and your roof isn't leaking

jessie -thinking of you and your mum - let us knnow how you are when you can

sharynmarie, ucant, banshee, austin, brandy - thinking of all of you -let us know how it is going

(((((hugs))))
jo

Emjo, Wow, what a poem about "Letting Go." You as well as others bring such great inspiration to this site. Thank you so much!

Well, I had a rather bad last few days. In our family we have two brothers aside from my sister and myself. Now our brothers were raised as the Golden Boys in our family. But throughout the care of mom and the sister who died, they do what my sister and me call, "doctor's visits." You all know what I mean, the 10 min. thing? Well anyway in a nutshell that's their input compared my sister and me is quite minimal. The older of the two bros, used to have POA. This got changed up few years back, because he was really just not meeting demands for two elderly women. Plus, he was mismanaging and quite honestly dipping his hand in the bank accounts. Of course there was fall out after this w/him and the other three siblings. Well, since recently mom's sis who'd been doing Hospice in mom's home, we siblings did recruit him back, as we knew it was the end of life for our aunt. I just found out he has a recurring Prostate issue. He's married w/four grown adult children. They're between ages 23-29. He and his wife have a pretty much non-existent marriage, although they all live in the same household. Talk about dysfunction. My brother has always done everything, he thinks in his power to keep all his kids still living there w/he & wife. Unfortunately, brother didn't raise them to be accomodating in the least. My sister and me suspect that this is probably some of the root cause of the marital problems between him and our sister-in-law. It's as if our brother has a fantasy that his kids are never going to leave the nest. The rest of we siblings realize how my brother has disabled his kids. They do work some, but this is only a recent thing. So yesterday my sister called him, just to check in via the Prostate issue. He'd just left the doc's office in which doc scheduled appt. on Mon. for biopsy. My sister said that he broke down sobbing to her. Of course he was upset about the biospy appt. Apparently no one accompanied him to this appt. So you see, this feeling my sister and me are getting, is that here my brother hasn't raised his kids to be good people. They are so selfish. Well, it gets better. So now my sister who has hands full w/mom, drove to his house last night w/a sore throat. She tells me she wanted to size up the situation and see what's going on over there. They live about 45 mins. from my sis's house. There's a part of me that yes, I felt very terrible at hearing my sisters story when my brother broke down, since we realize this situation hopefully will be positive. But as I've told her, there's always the other side. Sister is now behaving a bit as if and I guess this is where some of that poem applied, of jumping in and doing the fixing the situation. She's ready to go down there on the weekend and have a talk w/my nieces and nephews, and of course the wife.
Certainly in a scenario if they would not be concerned nor involved we'd be there. But yesterday's sorrow for me turned to anger. My brother and his wife have created all of this dysfunction. Now when they as a family need to pull it together, they are at a loss. Anyway, am I off the track here feeling this way?
I do love my brother, believe me. But I'm really at odds about again having to be the ones (we women) to do the rescue. My sister is the one that really goes into that mode. O.K., I hope this was not too long. Kind of going through some stuff right now! Have a great evening. Margeaux

Izsabella, I completely agree with Cattails. Why would you take your mom to the Mayo Clinic. Under the circumstances I'm sure this would totally distract your attentions from what's going on with your son. It's o.k. to say NO. I'm currently dealing with similar issues w/my sister who is the live-in caregiver of mom. My sister is wonderful, but just doesn't know when to stop. I'll talk about it in another post, but I've read about your situation and it sounds like you've spread yourself very thin. I think it's rather detrimental for a caregiver to think they can do everything, be everything for everyone. We just can't do that w/o some repercussions. Please take care of yourself, and yes nothing will happen to your mom if you are not the one w/her 24/7, especially under your current circumstance. Sending you love and light, wonderful woman. Margeaux

195Austin, Thank you so much for explaining about the wall. I was rather confused. Hope you are well! Margeaux

Yes i am still married to my husband btw it his doctor here in Az. Accused me of arsenic poisioning when its in the water and etc. I haven't heard no one from his family accuse me of doing that but then again I am the subject ridicule and supposed fantasy world that I live in which has no bearing on this concurring situation being there for my husband and children. I didnt mean to confuse you but also under attack from a sinus head cold and allergy so what may sound simple and straight forward may come out as gibberish. Right now trying to keep my head above it all and pray that one my wallet is found soon and 2 i get rid of this damned cold ...i truly got a frog going on and doing a disco in my throat and someone doing the bongo drums in my head with side can ya hear me drill pls noise lol...forgive me one of those days still...