The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Oh Sharynnarie, you didn't offend me!! Don't you worry about that. My skin is pretty thick by now!! LOL I was just venting and explaining. For many of us here, our stories are similar but always a little different too. I'm just tired of all the nonsense and never in a million years did I think I'd find myself taking caring of my parents all by myself. It's been a life change for me and my family. Thank God for my husband who loves me dearly. The other two deadbeat siblings will have figure out for themselves how they are going to emotionally handle my parents passing(s) when that occurs. Not my problem. My conscience is clear.

Have a good day everyone.

-SS

Sharynmarie: You have a good, kind and forgiving heart. Not having you in his life is your brother's loss. Cattails

SS~I am so sorry for offending, angering you. I only wanted to present a side of things that some may not think about. I understand your anger. My eldest brother (lives in Montana) is 8 years older than I. As a result he was always an adult to me. Because of the dysfunction, abuse,etc. every child in these kind of family structures play a role, and he was the "Hero". He excelled in sports beginning in grammar school and continuing through high school. He was very handsome as he inherited the darker skin tones from our GGgrandmother who was Cherokee Indian. By the time he was 25 years old, he was a manager of chain grocery store here in California (New Deal Markets). We lived in a small agricultural town where sports are highly valued. My parents, especially my dad, received lots of attention from people as a result of my brother's abilities. In my dad's eyes my brother could do no wrong.Without going into all the details of my childhood, my brother moved to Montana in 1977 (his wifes's home state). He disowned all of us. I tried two years ago to reconcile with him but he wants nothing to do with us. I think he may have a lot of my mom's personality disorder as he seems to hold a grudge against us for not keeping in touch with him when he moved to Montana. The reason I didn't was because I it was never him who kept in touch with us, it was his wife. We wanted to hear from our brother, apparently he felt he was keeping in touch with us through his wife. Not the same thing!! We wanted a relationship with him and he was the one who put up the boundaries. Yes, I have anger towards him for this. My siblings and I didn't abuse him. So there he sits in the Montana wilderness isolating himself from his siblings. He is only 11 months older than my other brother, they shared a room growing up, he ignores him as though he doesn't exist. He has never come to visit since he left in 1977. I don't expect him to change even after my mother is gone. He lost his only son in 2002 from a head on collision and did not let us know about it until the day of the funeral so none of us could arrange to go. He is a selfish sibling who received lots of glory in his youth and apparently stills considers himself the center of attention, which I won't give to him because as I told him 2 years ago, I don't know YOU and would like to change that...fell on deaf ears. I hope you can bring in some healthcare workers to relieve you so you get some down time for yourself because you do deserve it. Again, I apologize for offending and angering you♥!!

Thanks Sharynmarie, It's not that "it is too hard for them" to see my parents aging or deal with the problems, they simply do not WANT to. I've been doing it all by myself for three years, not knowing that when we moved Mom and Dad here, that the other two would just disappear. They helped a little bit with the move and cleaning out a house of 53 years, but after they were settled, the siblings vanished. When I asked for help in Oct of 2010 because I was nearing a breakdown, one said "I can be of no help to you because I do not have access to their finances." The other said when i asked if he could come for a few days every few months, said, "That will never happen." So, unfortunately, I had to stop communicating. Why should I be the reporting agency? They do not call me or email ever. They do talk to my mother on the phone but that's it. So, no, I wouldn't be interested or feel obligated in any way to set up a facebook group so I can ease their minds. F'k that! Bitter? You bet....

My eldest brother lives in Montana so he is no help, while my other brother was diagnosed last year with Usual Interstitial Pneumonia/Fibrosis (non fatal). He is undergoing treatment with high doses of steroids. In addition, his 36 year old step son has stage 4 liver cancer and recently under went a 5 hour surgery at Stanford to put in shunts. His MIL was just diagnosed with lung cancer is under going radiation/chemo. I only keep him updated on our mom because his plate is full. He is fully supportive of what we do, I don't ask for anything more from him. Yes it must be difficult when you have siblings who can help but refuse. My suggestion would be to only keep them updated. What I did was create a private group on facebook that is only family. I update everyone through that group. My brother in Montana is not in it, but his wife is so she passes info along. When you have family members who won't help and are just waiting in the sidelines to get their share of the inheritance, that is frustrating and maddening to say the least!! My brother who is ill, told me that he gets to emotional and angry dealing with mom. I accept that because not everyone is equipped to deal with caregiving. There are people who just can't relate to elderly people with patience. To give you an example: my husband's grandmother passed from Alz. When she was placed in a NH, my husband could not go visit her because it tore him up too much. He wanted to remember her the way she was before. Yes, this was selfish of him, however, I came to understand because I know my husband is a good man. He and my brother have been honest with their feelings about it where others may not admit it because they are ashamed to say it. I don't know if any of this applies in your case Heart2Heart or SS. You could try having a conversation letting them know you understand it is too hard for them and see how they respond. If you know your siblings well and it is because they just don't care, then I would only keep them updated and don't expect anything else from them. You are doing your part by updating them through email. If they never respond that is their problem. I suggest email because it less personal especially when dealing with siblings who don't care. Enjoy your day♥!!

Hi Heart2Heart,
I'm with ya girlfriend! I have a brother and a sister and neither do anything to help me take care of BOTH my aging Mom and Dad. Dad now in a nursing home but I have to do it all, all the paperwork, the finances, the groceries, the meds, the doctor appts, church, haircuts, shit, the list goes on....I won't bore the rest of you as you've heard my story all too many times before. I've asked for help from both and both said NO! One just wants their money and the other is just lazy....I have days where I hate them tremendously, and other days that I know putting my energy into such negative thoughts is very damaging to me so I "don't go there." It's hard to do that but it's a survival technique. Hang out with us and moan a bit. It feels good!

Luv to all!
-SS

Welcome to our group Heart2Heart. You will find useful information here from great people going through similar situations as yourself!

The above was suppose to be a link to using dogs to assist people with dementia. Sorry it didn't work out.

Margeaux~My sis doesn't do 360's, she is however a Polly Anna. She views life through rose colored glasses. As a result it takes a little longer for her to grasp the truth!

Something new: https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/--i7LiI4Hvjo/T2OE2oosgbI/AAAAAAAAAV0/ZwcioAEVfs8/s1280/2012-02-23%...

I went to my mom's this weekend to relieve my sister, she went out of town.
So when I arrived, the caregiver had been there all day with mom. My mom suffers from these terrible allergies, and had this for a very long time now, way before ALZ.I
I suffer from the same allergies as my mom. For awhile now I've had to become a food detective of sorts for myself, as I'm trying to address this, if I don't it manifests as bad sinus condition. I've in the past tried alerting my sister to this fact. But she is not one to really follow what I'd consider a healthy eating plan. So what this means is, mom is at her mercy in terms of diet, and of the caregivers. My poor mother had very bad heartburn Saturday evening. She'd eaten some breakfast and a light snack in the afternoon. Before the caregiver left me in charge, she showed me what my sister apparently had bought so that this was to be mom's dinner; I'd just have to heat it up. When I saw what it was, it by no means is something a 91 yr. old woman w/consistent heartburn should eat period. It was completely acidic and had some strong chili sauce on it. Oy vey!! Well mom, slept pretty much into the evening. I started to prepare some millet with a stir fry of vegetables and some tuna. I figured this would be a much lighter dinner for her system to digest. Well it was 730, mom was still asleep, so I ate. She didn't wake up until 8:45, so I thought it would be best for her not to eat at that hour. Besides she was still having heartburn and wasn't hungry. She does take a product I won't mention by name that has aluminum in it, and seems to rely on these pills So right now Im having an issue about the quality of mom's eating. Everything she currently eats is like poison to her system. So when my sister returned and I tried engaging her in a conversation about this, her question to me was whether I'd given her those pills. I don't understand why some people don't address the root of what's happening instead of just reaching for a supposed cure product, that doesn't do that anyway. O.K. have a good evening all. Margeaux

We're glad that you found this thread too, Heart2Heart, welcome. Austin is right, you'll meet some great people here. Six years is a long time to care for your mom without help from others. Please tell us more about you situation when ever you like.
Take care, Margeaux

Thank you for your support... Glad I found this thread (subject)...

Heart 2heart welcome at least I think you are new to this thread -you will meet really great people here who understand.

I have 2 'non'-brothers that never call or talk with me... their only sister who has taken care of OUR mother for the past 8 yrs... It's been really difficult to say the least... and, the 'non'-help has only made things a lot more difficult and 'unhealthy' for her and me... really 'sucks' (as they say)... pray, pray, pray... all the time...

Sharynmarie, I so identified with your post about your sister, and how you approach your mother! My sister is constantly pulling out all of the stops on me.
She says one thing and will go on and on about it, etc., then she completely does a 360 and does something totally contradictory. She's always has had this quality of keeping one guessing what her next move is going to be, not to mention her secretive nature. YIKES=CONTROL! She too is trying to somehow capture something w/mom she's never going to receive emotionally speaking, the warm and fuzzy feeling. Especially not now w/mom's ALZ. But there again she thinks she can even control that outcome. Well, good for you that you worked through this and can see through the smoke and mirrors, we all know there's plenty to do, and who has the time and energy for these games! I wish you well w/sis, and the meeting with the attorney. Stay strong! Margeaux

Cmagnum, How are you doing today? I've been wanting to write to you.
I hope things are getting a bit better for you. Is your wife feeling a bit better also?
This is a lot that you've been dealing with. Hopefully, if your wife feels better, maybe this will also change the vibes a bit in your household. But yes, if you have some sunlight out your way, I forget if it was Cattails or Sharynmarie who suggested you sit out there. Do you have some good music you can put on. I find that many times this can change the whole mood. Well anyway, I just want to send you some good vibes in hopes that today is brighter for you and yours!
Love & light, Margeaux

Selfish Sibs, It must be difficult to be dealing with your situation of having a sibling such as yours, that doe not offer any help at all. In our family, we do have and have had this since my sister & me do have two brothers. My sister has been living in the same household w/mom and my recently deceased aunt. But, oh well, what are you going to do w/the non-participants? They come visit, but they'll never relieve my sister, say for a weekend or other things as such. I am very grateful for the caregiving that my sister also does, and I'm sure Sharynmarie is also. But given their personalities, we also have our challenges before us dealing with them too. In my case I'm dealing completely with a control freak sister. She too has tons of history before her, concerning lot's of parental money having gone in her direction throughout all of our lives, even way back when our dad was alive, since she was always the favorite daughter of his. In my mom's situation she wasn't, but in our culture it counts tons if you've had children, She has two daughters, I've have none. So there are plenty of politics going on here also, that I must face constantly whilst I engage over there w/sister and mom. Anyway, I just wanted for you to know that although sometimes we think that because you do have a sibling participating, one can't know what that sometimes can also involve.

Lol I tried not to whine but its the only way i can express things and sometimes get mistakenly taken the wrong way. I just found out my youngest niece is in a children hospital in AK with severe pneumonia and something else. If i get my sister from being bent out of shape I would help her thru this. Things are going ok...I hate sometimes you got to cut the ties that bind in order to survive..i feel some remorse from blocking my sister but I cannot help her when we have personality conflicts...just the way it is. So far everything is ok but no extreme dysfunction has shown up except for my daugher being extra sensitive lately and I am trying to get her to talk to me. I still need to take her out for cantonese/chinese once I get the chance I promised her...my son still trying to understand what makes him tick...if not its the usual bills due like the electric which I have to make a partial payment and pay my card and my cell phone n the rent...always the same old...in other news hubby is gonna see a pumologist ...i think i misspell that horribly here soon and 2 months he sees the cardio and then between the lung doctor and seizure doctor we should be fine and then lastly the stress test...and see if he can handle the surgery which is being discussed so keep us in ur thoughts and thanks again for such wonderful support.

Just to clarify, I do not think any of the posts are people whinning, it is just my hang up when it comes to sharing what is really bothering me♥!1

You are welcome Cattails!! I read the posts but I admit I don't always share alot because I don't want to be whiner!! You have posted many things that are common sense. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful week ahead!!

Sharynmarie: I feel honored if anything I have said has been a help to you. Thanks for your kind words. They made my day. Cattails.

Hang in there, Sharynmarie --I think you have your head screwwed on straight and you're doing a good job balancing your emotions.I'm getting better at that, just not there yet cause I know my bi-polar sister is going to cause unwanted and unwarrented trouble for me down the road and I have to be ready for that. Have a good week, honey!

-SS

I forgot to mention that mom is now saying she does not know how the lady with AARP got her info to balance her checkbook. She went back to the woman took back her info and decided to have my sis do it. Time will tell if she accuses my sis of illegally getting info to balance her checkbook!!

SS~ Yes I am grateful for my sis. We have different approaches to life. She is very literal and cannot always read between the lines, needs exact time lines and someone with authority to tell her it is ok to establish an on line account under mom's name to monitor the activity. I respect her for this. I do not do things illegally, but I can read between the lines better than she can in this situation. was able to detach emotionally from our mother back in my 20's where my sis is only just now learning to do that. I have no problem making mom angry at me to protect her quality of life, where my sis still holds on to the idea that she can reason with her. To protect my relationship with my sis, I wait until we see the attorney on May 2. My sis grasps the idea that is ok to lie to a person with Alzheimer's to protect them but she has this small part of herself where she is looking to be loved by mom. Sadly that love and acceptance will never come. I spent 4 years in therapy in my thirties dealing with all that where my sis has not. If it was not for you, Margeaux, cattails, Cmag and all the others responding to my posts, I would not have the feedback that I get from this site to help me see more logically. I love that we can be honest with each other, respect each other and still offer advice. My mom has never matured to the point where she can be civil to her family because they disagree with her. Yes, all of us, be grateful for the people in our lives, family and friends!! I count all of you as friends♥!!

Well I found out the situation got worse for my sister...after stealing us blind when she was suppose to be helping us besides her uncle in law's ssdi fund for her own personal use etc. She had some trouble with her neighbors and moved closer to the clan and still running her chops. I pray for her but I cannot deal with the inconsistent behavior and the dominant narcissist. She actually yell at me one time for not helping her with our other granny still alive but in a NH for not helping her. This is when my husband had his stroke and she was over doing it. I told her I have nothing against granny if she wanted my help she would ask me...you volunteer to help ur uncle in law and granny. Not me...I was currently in a position looking for work and trying to take care of my husband who had a major left side stroke between 2 grand mal seizures. Well the sad thing was before we left for Az where things have slightly improve over all for my family she got slapped by her husband for being a "selfish Bitch" not understanding the difference between being family and a control freak. She even tried to injure me and tried to get me in Jail when I was trying to get benefits from the state. As it is ...I keep praying for her and hope she is learning her mistakes from having to share quarters with her in laws this go around but due to personality issues...I can't talk to her ...she just uses ppl and I have her blocked for a good while ...things may be estranged between my mom and I but i talk to her ok and my step dad. As for my baby brother and half sister havent heard from them. My grandfather is getting some decent help from mom n dad since his prostate cancer came back. Otherwise...missing my Grandma Patsy...tired of being screwed over on my taxes and then finally getting my stamps then almost out of them. I been in a crazy state and havent had time to crochet like i normally do but once my GF/BF gets here we can support each other and get reacquainted with the adult us not the HS us.

Margeaux - just read your long post. I love this what you said, "Let's remember that we cannot be responsible for no other person's happiness but our own." How very true and sometimes it takes a long time to realize that. I'm not there yet, but I will be. I will be....

-SS

Margeaux and Sharyonmarie, -- at least you HAVE a sister you can deal with, black and white, good or bad. My sister is undiagnosed bi-polar, very paranoid, just a bag of nerves, and after my parents money. When we moved my parents to live near me a few years back, I had to go through old checkbook registers to determine their monthly expenses so I could figure out how much they could afford for rent. In doing so, I saw check after check, $75, then $100, then $125, one for $2,000 and so on....written to my sister, whom at the, was receiving almost $10k a month in child support. Yes, that number is correct. $10,000/month!! Yet, she was skimming funds from my parents and claimed to have too many bills. Didn't work and hasn't in almost 20 years!! Give me break!! She has only seen my mother once in the last year and during a recent visit, stole the checkbook and conveniently replaced it before she left. She also did not visit my Dad in the nursing home. Can you believe that? Such a looney tune!!
Anyway, so if you both have ANY relationship with a sibling helping you through your elder care issues, be grateful and take what help you can get!!! :)

xo
-SS

I guess I have been set free of my sister, but I'm not sure I'm how I really feel about it. I took my first break in 5 months from my sister at the end of March. I had discussed with her, told her she would be staying with my brother which did not please her. I told her there was no other alternative. I knew there would be no cooperation, so I sneaked into her room and packed just enough for her to overnight at my brothers. Secretly stashed the bag in the car and then told her a fiblet - Jer wants us to come down for b'day cake for Mark, our nephew. Got her in the house, slipped out the backdoor and just left. (My sister-in-law and brother knew the plan.)

Of course when she realized I had left and was not returning, the fit began. Unfortunately my sister can have quite a foul mouth and our 8 yr. old niece was in the other room. It was a nightmare for my brother and his family. They had to hide the phones since she kept trying to call people and tell them she was being held captive. My sister-in-law called and asked me to call our close cousins and let them know the situation It took a few days and some sedatives from a doctor, but I guess she calmed down. I had already scheduled my next break which would be a Bermuda cruise, and I knew my brother and his family could not withstand another episode like this.

My brother has decided that the best placement is still the one he originally wanted in Nov. 2011 - an assisted living facility. He says he can see that she is taking her toll on me, and I also believe that he knows that anytime I want to go away we will endure this lack of cooperation or beed to hire 24/7 caregivers for a week or 10 days at a time.

I feel sure that part of my internal flip-flopping is a close cousin who seems to think that this might not be the right placement. I think she rationally knows we have few choices and that no doubt she would have far more social interaction in ALF, yet an undertone exists as if she thinks we are going to lock her in there and forget her. I admit, there are times I feel JUST that way, but I know that I will etreat from the valley of hurt and visit her and take her out places.

Thank goodness my other close cousin with whom we have had a bit of a distance over the past few years over her interaction with her mother, our only remaining aunt, heartily endorses our decision. She is a far more dispassionate individual. Those of you in nursing will understand the persoanlity differences between these 2 nurse cousins when I tell you cousin A, the one who is concerned about our decision was a pediatric nurse and did home health care; cousin B is the nurse manager in an O.R. ("Just the facts" don't bother me with awake patients!)

I guess all we need now is a plan for the move in which is coming May 1. I've read on other boards that the best way will be for one contingent to move some of her personal belongings into her new room and the other to take her out for the day and just "happen" to wind up there.

She's been to the facility and it's lovely, actually far more than she can truly afford. She will not, however, make a statement one way or the other about her feelings on it. Sometimes my brother and I don't think she knows what's going on and then the next cousin A tells me that my sister has called and left a message on her machine that her brother and sister are going to put her in a place she doesn't want to be. Geez....even when she had full command of her senses she would never make a decision. It always allowed her to blame a poor outcome on someone else. The one whose advice she followed. WHEW!

Margeaux, you did not come across that way, I just thought I would clarify the situation. After we talk with an attorney, my sis will start taking some action. I understand her concern because we don't want anything to backfire on us so it is best to proceed with caution, I get impatient. We both want mom to be safe and we don't want someone taking advantage of her. She started a kitchen fire in Jan. by putting Vicks Vapor Rub in a pan and heating it. That is what started mom's wrath of accusations because we wanted her to have a current memory test in hopes to get her on some meds. She stormed out of the Dr. office that day refusing the test or to see a neurologist. We want her to live as independently as she can for as long as possible. I sent my sis a list of home healthcare services that she is going to call and start interviewing. Northern California Alzheimer's Aid Society told sis to get started on this. My sis doesn't think we will need to get a conservatorship, but we will see what the attorney advises. Mom doesn't trust us because she is what I believe is a paranoid personality disorder as well as alzheimer's.

I am glad you are feeling better, the flu can take a while to shake. It is good that you are giving your sister a break and I hope the time you spend with your mom is enjoyable. I am working the weekend, not off till Tuesday and it is going to be a hot weekend for us here in NorCal. Already using the a/c~too HOT at night for me, Lol! Enjoy your weekend♥!!

Sharynmarie, WOW! Your mom sounds as if she kind of behaves like my aunt.
She was never the kind person, as I told you in the other post. She was real tight w/her money. This description you gave about your mom talking to people at church and in essence gaining their sympathy, my aunt did the very same thing w/the paid caregivers that my sister has had there. Cruella de Ville totally applied also over here! Your sister kind of sounds like my sister. My sister is in control, way more than I. My sister also is this take care of business type, which on the one hand is good and I try to be fair, so I do admire this in her. But the other side of this, is she over does everything, so such a controller. My sister also enjoys tons of drama, and I realize that when there is none, she goes around creating it.
Well, Sharynmarie when I wrote my post, I hope it didn't come off as if I was assuming some things here, but I do try to understand and honestly you are so caring and I get the definite feeling that your concerns are genuine. You are doing the right thing. But I'm sure you have your challenges w/your sister also.
Well, today I go relieve my sister for the weekend to take care of mom. Mom at least is pretty manageable with her ALZ. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks since my husband had a flu bug, then I caught it and didn't want to go over there while I still felt contagious. My sister is getting out of town w/her beau, who is a very nice guy. I'm just hoping that her 22 yr. old daughter, who is the only one now living there w/mom and sister currently isn't there much. She's a PIA! She was raised very differently from my sister and me, in terms of helping out. Everything, and I mean everything is done for this primadona. My sister even pays her car payment. Oh well! But I'm looking forward to going to see mom. She just turned 91 two weeks ago. If she feels up to it, maybe I'll take her and her friend since childhood for breakfast. O.K., Sharynmarie, I wish you the best with the DL issue, and everything. Have a wonderful weekend. Love & light, Margeaux