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Stay aware of your mom's progression and be sensitive to her needs, but you do not have to rush. Start slow, but stay on goal to get him to see your mom - for both of them hopefully.
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Positive thoughts from your meeting with the attorney. Money just seems to make some people lose their minds (no pun intended). It just makes a hard situation even more difficult. Thanks for the suggestions re my brother...it seems I immediately felt this urgency to make it happen right away without allowing enough time improve the communication and explain about mom's health.
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Pineapple: How many people can say what you said, "I am cherishing every moment I have with mom, despite her advanced dementia." I'm sorry about trying to take care of your home while living in your mom's. I'm sure your finances are spread really thin. And it's the usual crying shame that your sibs have been part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Your mom is lucky that your shell didn't crack before your were born. You came out whole and you will end that way too. Of course that MSW helps you grow, but it's still not bullet proof protection from personal loss and anguish due to difficult siblings. What matters most is to love and be loved. You have that and so does your mom.

vhope: Try to track down your long lost brother. You are doing this for your mom, to honor a wish that most mothers would have. Maybe your other brother can help with the search. The goal would be for her to see him. As hard as it may be, if you find him don't put any judgment on him. Just open the door and invite him in.
Understand I am not saying you need to tolerate bad behavior, but if you are welcoming and kind hopefully his behavior will be acceptable and your mom will be happy. You don't have to house him, support him, indulge him or forgive him, just welcome him during this time and be grateful that you can give your mom such an amazing gift. Having said all that, you know more than I, so I will leave it to your wisdom.

Good night and blessing to everyone. Cattails.
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Burned~I hope things settle down for you soon and now that you have your friend with you for support, you will feel a lift in your spirits. You are dealing with a tough situation raising two small children and caregiving for your husband. Stay strong and let us know how things are going.
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I live at Mom's house with her, which is why I am having so many problems with maintenance on mine. I have invited my sibs to birthdays and other things I have done for Mom. They do not come and for the most part, do not even respond.

Since posting I got email from an attorney and might get some answers this week. I am bracing myself for major issues when we lose Mom. I won't go into details, but they put Mom through living hell when Dad died. But I was able to get all resolved and keep Mom in her home where she wants to be.

Have you tried telling your mom you are trying to find your brother, but not sure where he is - or something like that which is true and letting her know you are trying. Maybe make contact and let him know about how she is doing without asking him to visit until you build a bit more communication. It's hard, but he is her son. I am protective of my mother also. Maybe get someone else to be part of the visit - i.e. social worker from hospice (if you have hospice) or someone like that who can help set boundaries and deal with the hard parts so you do not have to do it.
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I think you just said perhaps the most important thing...that you love being with your mom and can enjoy her. However, I understand the sibs stuff is terribly difficult. My heart goes out to you re financial problems. Does your mom live with you or independently? I am sort of facing a dilemma with my oldest brother who has no contact with my mom and she has just started mentioning wanting to speak with him. I feel so protective about her that I am hesitant to even begin to look for him and explain to him about her condition. My expectations are low for him while for my mother--I know it would make her happy to see her son again. I'm trying to just focus on the support I do have from my other brother and husband. I often think that children who are distant from their parents will regret their decisions and they will have missed something special--perhaps painful and sad but still special as in between those moments can be something so sweet and deeply filled with love.
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I am cherishing every moment I have with Mom despite her advanced dementia. She is wonderful, sweet, and still daily tells me thank you and she loves me.

I have been doing this for 4 years. I have 2 sisters, 1 brother, 2 bil, 2 sil (another brother is deceased). There are 9 grandchildren (youngest is 17), several spouses of those, and 6 or 7 great - grandchildren. None of them visit Mom at all. I have managed to get my sisters to see Mom briefly a few times. But in 4 years all combined they have spent less than 4 hours with her.

I own a house that I have substantial problems maintaining it and my mother's home. I got a notice from the city (which is about to be totally resolved). However, when it was published in a newspaper as required by city ordinance. One of my adult nieces sent out a mass email / text messages to her friends and family laughing about my situation. Never occurs to them to offer to help.

I just posted on financial matters that my brother (circumstantial at this point) appears to have abused a power of attorney that had been revoked. He used it to make changes to financial accounts - long story - but when Dad still trusted them (and I lived out of state) they rearranged accounts because they were considering putting Mom in out of home care and they had to put assets so that she would be impoverished spouse. They were to be returned to my parents, but my brother refused. Dad did not pursue it - he had grown tired of the fighting.

I have and will continue to give everything to care for Mom. I love being with her. But I hate so much the abusiveness of my siblings and their lack of willingness to just visit - not even help - just visit her and that they have convinced all Mom's grandchildren that it is not worth visiting because Mom will not recognize them.
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Sorry havent been on this forum for awhile but seems the treatment is working cuz now my sister has blocked me and as much as I want to be there...i have had enough of the trash talk besides she will call me when she needs money which is usually a red flag for me because it is always someone else's fault that nothing goes her way. Oh well you can't change ppl until they learn to change themselves and oh yeah recent news so morons decided to start trouble and Call CPS On me again...on bogus claims and I am just tired of ppl butting in my life that havent been in my house to make such false accusations but on a happier note my friend is here ...hooray:)
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Happy May to everyone! I hope you all are enjoying spring weather now, I know I am.
My sis and I spoke with an attorney earlier this morning regarding our DPOA and the situation with mom. He looked over the DPOA and told us we need to get a licensed physician to give us a certificate of incapacity to activate the DPOA. Once we have that, we can go back to my mom's attorney who wrote her living trust and the DPOA's and her attorney will then work with us. The certificate of incapacity allows us to have control over her finances but not over her physically, meaning that if we want home healthcare to come to her home to help her out, we can't force it on her without having a conservatorship. We cannot place her in a NH if she doesn't want to go without a conservatorship.Eventually she will have to be placed but right now we want her to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible. It looks like we have no choice but to get a conservatorship. I had hoped to avoid that because of the cost, and I am guessing maybe $2,000.00. The attorney said it will take 6-9 months, closer to 9 months. So here we go to the next step, not an easy one as no one wants to have their parent certified as incompetent. Enjoy the day and take care!!
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Thanks cattails and sharynmarie for your words and helping me gain perspective. You guys just really helped me be able to take a breath and take a step back. You're right this is not my stuff to own and I certainly can't fix anybody.
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Vhope00, First of all welcome to this thread. I totally agree with both Catttails and Sharynmarie w/respect to the advice they gave you about your mother. My mom also has ALZ. Sometimes she says some things that are incongruent.

Detaching oneself from some of the things they say, especially as in your case where you feel it's unleashed issues from the past concerning your family, is key. If you felt as if she wasn't even sure she was talking to you, there's most likely lot's of confusion going on. I think also, one has to assess possibly even under the best of circumstances, e.g., if one didn't have ALZ, we must be careful to what we give merit to. Each person is giving their own interpretation as to what they perceive as truth.

I have made attempts at sharing this with my sister, when she reacts, or becomes emotionally engulfed by some of mom's statements. But in my sister's case she is trying to recapture some moment from the past w/mom, we actually never had, on account of the dysfunction. Mom, was emotionally unavailable. Now that I've grown some, I've analyzed this as, mom couldn't be there emotionally even for herself. So how could she be there for others? Looking at it this way, has helped me to be in a position of the observer of sorts. It really removes you from the equation of being so affected by it all.

Your brother seems quite removed from family situations, and if you say he has not been around for 8 years do you think that talking about these matters are going to clear anything up for you? It's difficult in our family to discuss things, especially with my two brothers. They too, aren't in touch really enough with what is going on with our mother and the ALZ. One is very hyper, so you can't get a word in edge wise with him. Plus, he just wears me out saying hello, how are you, not the listener at all.
The other one, is the extreme opposite, very quiet. They do both call, and show up on holidays. But my sister and me are the ones that deal more directly with mom's care. I know my brother's, and the kind of past issues in our family, are just beyond the realm of any discussion. Besides, I really think men relate to all of this very differently than women do. My sister and me can have these kinds of talks, but we are very close in age and have had lot's of communication throughout the years. I wish you the best, hope some of this helps, Margeaux
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Hi Margeaux: Thanks for the kind words. We are doing ok here. Just plugging along. I'm fortunate that my dad is not a mean person. Still, we get tired and look forward to the time when we will be able to live our lives with the freedom we miss.

Thanks for asking. Sending love to everyone. Cattails.
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Cattails, I really love reading the advice you give to people, it's quite inspirational.
How are you, husband and your dad doing? I hope all is well. Margeaux
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vhope00~Cattails gave you very good advice. Most of us have skeletons in our closets even the most functional families. An example is I know of a minster who was very sexually addicted in his younger adult life. He was able to over come it and in his 40's he went to seminary and became a minister. The truth is that people who marry do not have a life plan to abuse their children, become addicted, lose their jobs and have to rob a convenience store. When a person is dealing with excess baggage from their childhood be it a parent with a mental illness, controlling issues, addiction it all takes it toll on the children and affects their adult lives. In many cases the children end up repeating their parents mistakes. My mother also has Alz now. She also has mental problems. About 5-6 years ago she was having a problem with the toilet in the guest bathroom. She went to a hardware store, bought a new float and installed it. I went to her house after she did this and used the bathroom. Water came gushing out from the tank. She didn't tell me she was having a problem with the toilet until the water gushed out like Old Faithful. I cleaned up the water on the floor and removed the lid to the tank. I noticed their was a tube she did not connect which is why the water gushed out. I connected it. Unfortunately, the lid to the tank slipped off the toilet stool and broke. We went to the hardware store to see if we could order a replacement but model was no longer being made. In the mean time, my mother called my sis, told her that I took the tank lid and was swinging it over my head like a lasso and threw it. She said that is how it broke. This was before she showed signs of Alz. She was not even in eye sight when it broke. Because of her mental issues she told my sis that is what happened. I laughed when my sis told me, however, I no longer help my mom with repairs around her house. She knows why. I tell you this because we need to separated our emotions from family issues . See it for what it is and move on otherwise we become to entangled in the emotions and cannot see anything but the pain and anger. Take some time for yourself and let those who own the issues own them. You can't fix others or mend their emotions. You can only take care of yourself♥!!
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vhope00: Get some rest and try to put the information your mom gave you on the back burner. You should not feel selfish about not wanting to add anymore heavy topics/conversations to your life right now. That is your good sense telling you that now is not the time.

It could be that what your mom told you is not true at all or is a collection of fragments from people she knew years ago, their stories, not hers, mixed in with something she heard in AL or television. Who knows. Even if it's true, it's from the past and you don't have to own it or share it with your brother until you feel you want to, should that day ever come. Give it time and see if your mom ever brings it up again.

By the way, many families have skeletons in their closets. Very sad experiences that were not spoken of inside or outside the family. It's not your legacy or, as Sharynmarie said, your craziness. It's just the human condition.

Think good thoughts and be grateful for the life you have and the many possibilities that lay before you. Walk in the light, release any shame that you carry from the burdens of your family and offer love where possible. Number one, take care of yourself. Hugs, Cattails
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Thanks for the encouraging words. I have to admit that I did wonder if it was real as some of it sounded like it could have been a episode from a t.v. show. But either way you are right it is in the past. I'm kinda wondering if I should mention her story to my other brother? It just seems easier in a sense to keep it to myself. I feel so selfish sometimes with just not wanting to add anymore heavy topics or have heavy emotional conversations to my life right now (which I am sure if I told him we would have BIG conversations). I just feel exhausted emotionally.
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vhope00~If your mom has Alz, maybe what she said isn't true. Sometimes people with Alz will tell stories. They live in the past and can incorporate something they see on TV into their reality. My dad did that quite often when he was in a NH. If it is true, try to take it with a grain of salt since it is in the past. Emotionally detach so you won't take it on as your craziness. It takes practice to detach but once you do, you will see that it is not controlling your emotions anymore, and while it may anger you, it doesn't hurt you in the same way as before.
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Great thread. My mom will be 79 this year, lives in assisted living and while are family has had it's struggles, (my oldest brother has divorced himself from our family and hasn't been in touch for maybe 8 years) I thought we were doing...okay with our craziness. Well during the visit with my mom, she just seemed to have gone back to her past with my father and boy some hard skeleton's flew out of the closet. I tried to monitor my own reactions as it seems she just needed to get it out. At times I'm not sure she even realized it was me she was talking to...I left the visit feeling emotionally beat up, terribly sad for her and my view of my crazy family even further twisted. I just wish I could have unheard everything she has said...thanks for letting me vent
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Margeaux~I think most families back in the day were incredibly patriarchal, boys were highly favored. My husband's family is very much patriarchal. They are ultra traditional in following that standard. It's not something I see too much as much as in the past. It angers me that my brother has written us off, but at the same time, I never really knew him because he seemed like an adult to me as a child and in many ways its like he is not my brother. I have no memories of him playing with me like I do my other brother. I friended his wife on facebook, she made it clear she did not use facebook much and that it was nice to hear from people "once in a while". I get an email once or twice a year from them and at Christmas at card, where she thanked me for keeping them up to date on the family through the family group I created on facebook. I don't expect anything more from them.
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Judeee, Whoah! In our family we had a narcissistic aunt that exhibited the very same behavior w/my sister who lived in the same household at moms home. My aunt was 93, and just passed away in Jan. Our mom is still alive, 91 w/ALZ. My sister moved in w/them about three and a half yrs. ago. The two sisters were tied at the hip, so didn't want to separate. As demands about our aunt's health became escalated, and her behavior so atrocious, I many timess (I'm the visiting caregiver), tried suggesting to sister to put her in a NH. My aunt was becoming increasingly immobile, and always walked w/assistance of walker. In mom's home there's a huge dining table w/big wooden chairs. I witnessed this: My aunt would get up from the couch and literally come plowing towards the kitchen w/walker, straight towards the path of a chair. She'd try to move the chair out of her way w/that walker! On one occasion I jumped up to move the chair, and alert her that she could injure herself by doing this. She didn't care, as she wanted to show us her anger, as she seemed to be angry at the world. She too would stare down anyone who was sitting at that dining room table, especially my sister and the daughters who lived there at the time. Finally one of my nieces went out and bought some artificial flowers and created a huge floral arrangement that would block her view.

Anyway, this is your husband's mom; does he ever experience her alone?
Now I'm aware how delicate this can be, I'm married also, so know about the don't want to aggravate, escalate anything. But could be a good time for you to muster up the courage to tell your husband that you're going to the library, or coffee, anything. Let him watch her by himself. I hear this over and over again, even on this thread how people are married, even some w/children living with them. But it sounds as if the woman in the picture is living all by themselves w/the elderly person. Now of course I'm not talking here about having small children be responsible for an adult or anything of the sort. But if there are any other capable people living in the household, by all means they should also kick in at the very least and give the main caregiver a break. But do not allow this to grow into something bigger. This woman sounds like physically she's doing all right, since you've stated she still can climb stairs at 95 yrs. Just occurred to me, has she been diagnosed for Dementia or ALZ? My best, and don't take the back seat in this, my dear. Love & light, Margeaux
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Sharynmarie, your brother was raised kind of like my brother, although mine wasn't a sports enthusiast. My brother just seemed to get the glory for being male. The gender thing plays real strong in our family. I guess parents just don't know what they are creating in this thing called family, whilst doing it. Our dad had a family before he married my mom. So we also have some half brothers and sisters. We've never been very close to these siblings. But as we became older we were invited to a few weddings as they were getting married. There are two brothers from that family that were trying to establish a relationship w/my dad. They were now into their twenties. But I too remember that especially one of them, who was the one who was more affectionate, at some point when I wanted to get to really know him better, he started to give me the signs that all that was probably going to happen through his wife at the time. She wasn't exactly the friendly type either. I gave up also, since I thought, Oh boy, I'm going to have to get acquainted w/another stranger to get to the other one. Interesting how we women get wedged, placed, used between people in relationships, isn't it odd! Ha, ha!

But anyway, it's seem that you have a great attitude in terms of this brother. It's like you see what's before you, and you deal with it. That is totally admirable, and I think very realistic. This is how I try, and I do say try to look at the dysfunction that surrounds me, because if I don't, they can drive me nutty! O.K. going for my second cup of Joe! Margeaux
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Judee I would start putting up boundaries first have her spend some time in her room-she does not need to be constanly watching you-you have a right to be alone when you want to be-some nights have you have her supper alone so you and your husband can be alone together-hire someone to stay with her so you two can go out on a date together-it will get worse if you continue to allow 3 people in your marriage take your space back and let her knoe she is a guest not part of your marriage-could she live in AL place since she can care for herself-suggest that to your husband when you got married she was not part of the deal-let him deal more with her and you get a life outside the home -maybe volunteering for some group-you have a right to be happy-it is not all about her. Nothing will change unless you make some moves to make it happen-you need to rescue yourself.
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THANKS SHARYNMarie,,
No they werent coming to remove my mother in law she dont want her she put her into a nursing home in Nov. My husband being youngest & just agreeing with them like his mom was to get therapy they said but we brought her home 20 days later after her begging us to Which My Husband & I had promised her in the hospital anyway This sister and other two siblings agreed come to find out this sister really wanted us to bad because her mom was going to have to be changed to medicaid and that means audit on her which this sister had been spending her money & didnt want that and yes after her moving in and finding that out My husband and his other sister became POA and I never thought to call them myself & the daughter that came with her today went outside with me & our daughters she told me her mom has called them on her & her sister so I am calling THanks I didnt even think of that..My mother in law has althiemers dementia she knows us all. But she had colonostomy surgery n Oct . Then got it reversed Feb. and its been alot on her but This sister has never thought about that its like have her call me ...Then she asked her daughter before they came today to txt me and make sure the other siblings werent here or Home health care Because of your advice I brought her n living room and her therapist came then they came like 20 min later when the girl left she brought me the paper to sign & said my SIL was so rude she left she said soon as she walked in she covered her moms legs with blanket while she was doing leg lifts so she just rather come tom.... wow Turned out okay My husband was in garage where I told him to stay unless he heard me scream he said he was suprised I didnt have to...He stands as He is done with her because of the way she has did there mom...And he isnt as nice as I am but I didnt even look at her Then she went to car & started honking like a nut she is for her daughter and grandaughter to hurry so... thanks for advice deeply appreciated...
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tbailey~I am not sure I understand. Are they coming to remove your MIL? What is your husband's stand on this. All I can suggest is to have some family members there that will support you. If they are coming to cause a problem, call the police if necessary. Do you or your husband have DPOA? Call APS yourself, see what they say. If your MIL is capable of making decisions, they can't remove her unless she agrees. You don't have to open the door to them either. If they are just visiting, bring your MIL in the livingroom where their conversation can be heard by all that are present. By doing this, others will witness what your MIL's wishes are. I would make sure you have other family there during this visit. Good luck to you and I hope all turns out ok.
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Judee~ You said your MIL is narcissistic and she sleeps, sits and watches you all day. Is she critical of what you do? How has she put a wedge between you and your husband? I am not sure what to say other than to put up boundaries. Can you take her to adult day care for a few hours during the day so you get a break from her?
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Cattails~Thank you and you are right, it is his loss!
SS~ It is life changing taking care of our parents. Your siblings will have to deal with it in the end as you said. My heart goes out to you because when you never get a break, the stress and burnout can wear a person down. I hope you get someone to come in, even if it is just a few hours a couple days a week. It would allow you to leave the house to do something for yourself. Check into adult day care for a couple days a week also.((Hugs)) to you!!
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okay people Im always reading your alls post well Im with you all ....Taking care of Mother in law since Dec. The oldest daughter come to find out had been spending her money forever she is a NARcissitic for sure once money was taken from her she was done with us all even her mom she has her daughter call me and say if I dont have her mom call her she calling adult protection blah blah and my mom n law dont ever feel good and dont like calling people and she hasnt been to c her including a 5 day stay at hospital,,,, so now her daughter is bringinging her for visit today. ugh her daughter just called and said they will b here at four and her mom said make sure her sister or brother dont stop and no one from home health b here CONTROLLING Crazy woman Please I need some advice its only 10 am here and im already dreading 4...
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My husband and I are taking care of his 95 year old mother who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 8 months ago. (No biopsy was ever done, so we can only go on the doctor's word.) That's how long she has been in our home. My husband is 75 and I am 72.

We do no literally take care of her -- she is still capable of taking care of herself. She has no nausea, no constipation, no Depends or pads in her pants, no heart attacks, no strokes (ever in her lifetime), no amputations, no wheel chairs, etc. She goes up and down our stairs. Since she is capable, we let her be as independent as possible. We let her make her own breakfast and we make dinner. During the day she sits, sleeps or just watches me. She has put a wedge in our marriage and I'm ready to divorce my husband because of her. That would make her extremely happy I am sure.

She is narcisstic and knows everything and is right about everything.

I have only touched the tip of the iceberg and telling you a fraction of what has been going on. The situation will never change between her and her son. It dosen't matter to him what I think or say or how I feel about anything. All that matters is that his mother is safe and with us.

I need help in the worst way. I talk to friends, but if they have not experienced this they don't know what I am talking about, so I don't feel they really understand the dynamics of what is going on.

Please help me find help before I lose it completely. It helps so very much to talk to people who really understand where you are coming from.

Thanks and God bless. Judy
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Oh Sharynnarie, you didn't offend me!! Don't you worry about that. My skin is pretty thick by now!! LOL I was just venting and explaining. For many of us here, our stories are similar but always a little different too. I'm just tired of all the nonsense and never in a million years did I think I'd find myself taking caring of my parents all by myself. It's been a life change for me and my family. Thank God for my husband who loves me dearly. The other two deadbeat siblings will have figure out for themselves how they are going to emotionally handle my parents passing(s) when that occurs. Not my problem. My conscience is clear.

Have a good day everyone.

-SS
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Sharynmarie: You have a good, kind and forgiving heart. Not having you in his life is your brother's loss. Cattails
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