The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

lildeb, breaking life cycles that harm others is something my wife and I have been trying to do for years with the help of a lot of therapy. lildeb, I come from a divorced home as well and I know the guilt a child carries for their parent's divorce. Evidently, a large part of the reason for the divorce was a totally different view of how to raise me. Mum became a single parent when I was three; did not meet my emotional needs which she admitted when I was in my late twenties; yet raised me to focus over the years on her emotional needs and taking care of her which became like being her substitute spouse and that in itself was very abusive plus made it difficult for me to focus on my own needs and taking care of myself; as well as continued her intrusive, dominating, narcissistic control of me that I thought I'd gained all of my freedom from once I left home, but that was not true.

Furthermore, after I became a preteen my mother married a man primarily as an escape ticket from her hometown, plus he was an alcoholic just like her dad and later on she became an alcoholic. During high school and college it was not unusual to find her drunk on the sofa in what she had slept in the night before. Also, she mixed alcohol with the tranqulizers she had been taking since her early twenties. BTW, my dad never was and is not now an alcoholic. Part of what helped me survive my high school and college years was creating my own secondary family outside of my primary family via various friends and their parents none of whom did I ever tell exactly what my life at home was like. When I graduated from college, it was like my mother divorced my step-dad for she left him to live mainly at the beach house from then on until in her old age, her health sent her back home. This caused my step-dad to drink more when she was gone. I remember them fighting even when my wife and I would visit. They never were that close and mom never really accepted his three children, plus did not want me to get very close to them at all which was helped by only one of them actually living with us. As a teenager, I added article 13 to the bill of rights saying I had the right for people to knock before entering my room which I pinned on my door.

My wife came from a very abusive home with a very passive, dependent, but nurturing, co-dependent dad (who had been dominated by his mother) with an enslaving, narcissistic queen mommy-dearest who was much like the wicked witch of the west; tried her best to make my wife afraid of men and make her stay home to take care of her mother and father as they aged over the years. While my wife does have an identical twin sister, my wife's mother focused totally in on her and let her husband basically raise the other daughter. Part of this dynamic meant that my wife became like a substitute emotional spouse for her mother. This really worked havoc in our marriage when we had children. For years, I walked on eggshells around the impact of all of these issues until I just had had enough, wanted my own life back-which I did not even know how to define-wanted to protect my boys from the dramatic havoc of our lives due to both the issues of mommy dearest, but the conflict in my wife's soul between being a focused mother on her children and being under the control of her mom which she sought to increase with the birth of each child; and I was tired of fighting my wife's battles with her mother for her. So, I was the first to set boundaries which at first my wife did not understand, but she came around to stand up to her mother herself and set some healthy boundaries with her. Finally, I felt like I had my wife back and our two boys felt like they had their mother back, but for a while there we all lived through pure hell and I felt like a single parent with three children at home. Near the end of all that mess and when I started setting boundaries, I also got each boy into therapy, plus myself as well. It is needless to say, but my mother in law often makes me feel like I don't exist. Her husband was the most enslaved spouse that I've ever seen and my wife ended up trying to do that to me as well as treating the boys like her mother did to her both of which she later acknowledged to have done to us as her therapy and DBT group helped her gain more self insight.

My wife and I had such struggles getting much freedom from our past that I seriously believe it contributed to our dating for 5 years before getting married when we were each in our early 30ties with her two years older than me.

I could write a book as well, but people would find it hard to believe how my life really was at home because my mother like her mother had and maintained such a mask of perfection in public and I had learned to have a stiff upper lip early in life and to swallow my own feelings.

I could only imagine how much worse my life would have been had my mother not gotten married again, but it was bad enough as it was. I know enough psychology and sociology from college to know how I could have turned out but by a miracle from God, I did not, although I realize that I did act out from some of my scars. My wife and I are not totally well, but we both feel like we have broken the chains of our broken childhoods in which each of us had to be like little adults and were never really allowed to be a child. Our boys are both functioning much better in college than either of us did although I can see a few scars from the past in each of them which in time they will deal with and I hope in therapy.

Thanks for reading my lengthy autobiography which seems to get longer each time I write it. Part of the reason that I went into so much detail is that my therapist and I are going over my journal entries from those 'hellish years' to help me get past that pain.

Peg, I am with you that I too believe that, "life is about: breaking the cycles that harm others. And of course we cannot change the past and we can try to break the past cycle by hoping it improves for our next generation and their children as well. Not really sure if it will be any calmer but its worth a shot.

I come from divorce parents and I am guilty myself from my past. In the process, I felt like I was the mom & dad raising my child. However, a few yrs later I did get remarried for the 3rd time and yes, I said 3 of them. I had jump from frying-pan right into the fire when I was in my teenage yrs trying to get out from an abusive-alcoholic parent life. Of course, I thought I was all grown-up and partly because, I had a lot of responsibilties while living with my mom and my little brother n sister. I am the middle age child of six of us kids and I am the shortest. We have even talked about that we could write a book on our lives and how we all came out somewhat normal. ; )
I cannot wait to see other people stories on this topic.

cmag, I just remembered that you mentioned a decline in your mum. It is not easy seeing a fam member go down hill. I am sorry she is declining, yet it is inevitable. Sometimes I wonder what the purpose is.

selfish sibs -now that is quite the situation you are in. I have a golden sib too - never any acknowledgement of wrong doing . Your idea of working off the anger energy is a good one - turn it to your benefit by walking, writing...




anyonee I have missed - not intentional =margeaus, sharyn,

bill, as always, I enjoy your posts. - kick azz all you like. Anger is exhausting, but sometimes you have to express it to. I was the kid who stood up for the kids who were being bullied too. One time one of my kids came home from the playground and told me that another kid was threatening my youngest with a crowbar. Picture this - hair in curlers, clad in polyester pants and a t shirt, fluffy pink slippers on, I marched to the playground, walked up to the surprised kid (my appearance may have worked for me), grabbed the crowbar from him and jabbed it in his direction, and said, ":You want crowbar, I'll give you crowbar", He fled, and I followed him all the way to his house, waving the crowbar at him. That was the end of bullying from that child. What I see here in terms of dysf fam members is much the same, sometimes you have to take the crowbar from them, and wave it back at them.

tbailey, I agree and those people who think they know everything - aaaaargh!

1234, -there is lots of family strife for one reason or another reported by individuals here - whether someone is perceived as not helping enough or whatever, Sounds like you have a martyr who is also a control freak in your fam. - let me know if I am off base. Blaming someone else for your own burnout, when help has been offered, is not healthy, and doesn't solve anything. Sounds like that person has a lot of anger. Can you write out how you are willing/able to help ( I am assuming it is you who is trying to help), give it to the caregiver, and suggest that you both get together and discuss it sensibly, and develop some kind of a routine, for help/breaks for the caregiver?

brandy - hi -how are you doing? You have a heavy load with your mum and sis and also your husband.

(((((((marie)))))) every little triumph is a big one. That is great. I think many of us who grew up in dysf fams don't like confrontation. I am work on being assertive, stating my case, which is not necessarly confrontation, but uses "I" statements. Developing your own life, (even gerontology) apart from your mum is healthy - if only in very small steps. Good for your husband - I wish him great success in his "talk:" amd good for you for standing up to your bro. I have made some similar changes recently (never too old to learn) - just asserting myself and letting the sib know that I will not take cr*p any more. They think that you can't do without them, and take advantage of that. Well, wake up and smell the coffee! I am doing just fine without you in my life. As for any appreciation for taking the role of the caregiver - uh uh, nil, zilch, zippo - criticism instead. BTW being assertive is not energy sapping - rather the opposite.

All of you here deserve medals!
love hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
Joan

Bilmo, thank you for your comments. I laughed so hard with your first comment that I almost forgot what had happened. I love your humor. By the way, my daughter gave me a beautiful card for Mother's Day. Job? I am hoping for some funding to study gerontology, believe it or not. The job has to wait because I am preoccupied with Mom and my garden. My husband is planning to "have a talk" with the bully who has bullied me for years and I finally stood up to him. Conflict and being mad (which you could sense in my writing) sure does sap my energy. I really do not like confrontation. Thanks also to the others for your support. The news is that Sib1 and Sib2 decided to pay someone to come in for the next few days until Sib2 does her few days again. The bully is out of the picture for good. He couldn't handle Mom or me I guess. We don't know what we will do after next week. They think they can pool their money to continue with a paid caregiver and then Sib2 will do the other days. Sounds good to me.

bananamarie, I really feel for you. I have a sib that is much the same way. Without knowing the full story as how much you are required to take care of your mom, it is diff for me to say what to do. But believe me, I am on your side. My advice is for you to back off for a while and let your dysf sibs take care of mom, since sib1 knows everything or at least he thinks he knows everything. Take care. I am there for you in spirit.

I need to hear from anyone who's family has been torn apart due to caregiving and one person feeling responsible and trying to do everything because they live with the person, not letting others help, one family member continues to try and help but it only causes problems, and then when the caregiver gets extreme burnout they blame the other family member for not helping, a big screaming match follows and now no one is speaking yet the caregiving needs to go on.

Marie bilmo has the right idea you are two houses apart right next time your brother starts on you like the bullie he thinks he is just call 911 tell them its domestic they will be there like now & thats all you say till they come explain what your brother is doing at least they will make him leave. I feel so bad for you to just go home & cry I would probaly do same thing. I try to tell my SIL to do things my way Goes in ine ear & out other only thing is she never watches her mom much so guess don't matter anyway. She does hair she thinks she is a RN lol... Then MIL don't ask her to do anything for her anyway she tells me oh she is so pushy & rough ugh I hate for her to do anything for me.
Bilmo I like your attitude You should be one of those home care managers or whatever they call them anyway You could probaly clean house with some of these darn siblings on here... I love your picture on here too sooo pretty is that of arizona?

Hello to all. I am usually an "observer" to this site. Having found this topic tonight, I feel compelled to join in after my experience today. I have a 96 year mother with Alz. I also have 3 siblings although you would not have known that for most of the last 20 yrs. Mom lives 2 doors away from me so I have been primary caregiver with health and property POA. This year the money ran out for paying for live-ins at Mom's. The "family" decided that we would try to keep Mom in her home. This requires live-in help so Sib1 and Sib2 each stay 3 1/2 days per week with me overseeing and spelling them. (Sib3 still works and takes care of a disabled wife.)Sib2 is retired and she has helped off and on. Sib1 is on disability from plumbing and he has only started to be a presence in the last 2 yrs. For all intents and purposes he does not know the disease nor does he want to learn. Having a wife who is an RN in children's oncology apparently qualifies him as a valuable player with a valuable resource. I did not realize that I would be walking into a hornet's nest upon entering Mom's house today. Sib1 would not allow me to show him how the ER doc instructed us on dressing Mom's wound (which Sib1 accidentally caused). He took offense at me questioning his "knowledge" which is based on his changing his own wounds in the past. This escalated to a verbal assault that went on for almost one hour. It almost came to a blow except that he "doesn't hit women". What a gentleman. I was told that I hardly did anything because there were paid caregivers there. (I maintained the household, finances, all doctor appts., spelling the caregivers, etc., etc.) Instead of raising my daughter and then caring for Mom I should have gotten a job. (Remember - Mrs.Sib1 is an RN at a hosp.) Then he attacked my marriage using me info I had told him in confidence (stupid me). All the while, the dog cowered at Sib2's feet, Mom distressed in her bedroom, and Sib2 sat silently observing. I tried to fight back but I do not like confrontation. I had to walk out and left the 2 sibs with Mom and I do not want to return. I will not deal with such negative energy, but what do I do about Mom? I have suffered the cumulative effects of years of dealing with Mom and her disease. I have spent days at a time with her and I cannot deal with it one on one like that anymore. That is why the sibs took that job. Now they feel that I am controlling when I tell them what to do. One is pigheaded and the other lazy. So I have to manage them like they are new employees. But not anymore. I want out. I just feel for Mom. When she is distressed she calls me. (Remarkably, she still can dial my phone number.) I am exhausted and sick to my stomach. He should have just punched me. He is a cruel jerk. He must have dealt with sh-t too long in his plumbing days and mistakes me for it. I can't even eat. I came home and have been crying off and on for hours. I hope I can sleep. I dread tomorrow.

Mom actually like my gifts that I gave her!! She was cheerful, the drapes were open and she seemed like she was when I was a kid. Her clothes were clean and she was nice. This was last week. I let dsyf sister have mom on Mothers Day. So I called mom about 6pm last evening and she said she was home all day and that sis had dropped by for a few min but had not taken her anywhere. I got upset over that. So b/c of stubborn sis, mom had to sit home all alone on Mom's day. Sister has first dibs on mom on all the holidays but won't tell me what is going on. Mom favors sister. I have to guess and mind read on what they are doing. Oh yeah, did I mention that my husband has dementia as well. Fun, huh? Brandy

Margeaux i agree. She is so distraught no family to help feels guilty.

Yesterday, my family and I visited my mother in the nursing home. She was the most confused and sleepy that we have ever seen her. She had in her mind that I was now living in the same city with her which has not been true for almost 30 years. She also had in her head that she'd been on a trip that we know she did not take to her home town which she has been talking about more lately. We were not sure that she even knew who we were when we first got in her room. She was not very talkative at all. She would say a few words that were not always a complete sentence and then either close her eyes or stare at the TV, but when we got up to leave for we thought she had fallen asleep, she'd open her eyes and tell us not to leave. My step dad said she is like this sometimes and other days as clear as a bell. From my perspective, this was the worse we had seen her be and could not imagine her being as clear as a bell on some days. I think she is withdrawing because of realizing that she is not going to go home from the nursing home as well as her dementia is increasing. My psychiatrist told me today that dementia is worse on the family members than it is on the person who has it. That's not much consultation. Our youngest son is home from college for a few days before leaving for his summer internship. Our oldest son was not able to find a job for the summer and will live with us doing a whole lot of chores that I'm not up to doing, plus we will have to pay for two months of rent for his apartment where he is in college.

Hi Bilmo,

How are you feeling today? About 3 yrs. ago, my brother who was at time POA for mother, and her sis, called a meeting. He called my sis, youngest bro, and moi, the eldest in the family. He is 3'd in line, raised "Golden Boy," by my parents and even my aunt because of the gender bias. Golden Boy, was never up front w/us about any of the legalities-parent's assets, etc. He had his hand totally in the pie. This meeting he called was in essence to TRY to get the rest of sibs to sign a Quit Claim Deed for a Joint Tenancy our names appear on my dad left to all of us, including mom. I used to work as a legal secretary, so first of all, the doc he showed us, looked like a total copy, and it could not have been authentic at all. My brother in those days also was so rogue as to how he did anything, especially if it had to do w/moms assets. He gave us some dodgy explanation that they wanted to put this property in a trust. Anyway, I sure did not sign this doc. Later, I tried to talk to other two sibs about it, but my sister decided to be in hurt mode, saying things like, "I can't believe that our bro would do this." Blah, di blah! My youngest bro, didn't seem very bothered by Golden Boy's attempt at doing this. Well, none of us signed it. Later, somewhat later Golden Boy's POA was revoked, and now these two sibs, are in charge; sis being at the helm of it all.
This happened upon our mom being diagnosed w/ALZ.
That was plenty, for my head already. But I remember, having feelings of rage w/this brother. Way before this, he never inspired much confidence in me anyway, but this was it. Even my attempt to at least have a conversation w/other sibs, fell on deaf ears, DENIAL!
Here I felt that he was ready to have us possibly sign away our rights, for something our dad left us.

Anyway, I really feel that in these situations one is entitled to feel some kind of anger and rage. I felt toward this brother, also at my other sib's reaction. Just as a protection for yourself, try to maybe find an outlet for some of this, such as walking. But really, even coming here and writing about this does a lot, I know it has for me. BTW, Golden Boy has never to date recognized any of what he did via an apology. All right Bilmo, hang in there! Margeaux

Sharynmarie, I remember that thread Emjo is talking about. I posted about our narcissistic aunt. She's the one who was living w/mom and my sister til Jan. when she died. She gave my sister and all of us so much grief, that at least I can say she should have been placed in a NH. In hindsight, I think my sister would have tackled that situation very differently, and would have washed her hands of that responsibility with our aunt. I do not think it is selfish at all. What we must remember also, is that some caregivers are really dealing with immobile elderly,
and who knows what else. Some have jobs, and others are also in their own third age, possibly w/own health concerns. So it's normal for people to get burn out. Each and every situation, is so unique. Maybe your friend has neither physical, nor moral support. Margeux

Hi all,
Been reading your most recent posts. Bilmo and Emjo, I am with you on the ugliness of the siblings that cause us trouble and weigh us down. My rage and hatred has subsided into disappointment and the gall of it all. I have one sib who has all but disappeared from the face of the earth. He's the "out of sight, out of mind" kind. Other sib is a real trouble maker. Neither one has done a thing or lifted a finger in three years, five surgeries with Mom, housing issues, neither parent drives, incontinence, and I can't even go on. Asked both sibs for help in October 2010, both said no. Sister said can't help you if she don't have access to their money. Brother just said "No way." Soooo much dysfunction and I thought we had a pretty good childhood. Anyway, sister is bipolar but refuses to address her own mental issues. She's a disaster.

I too, am going through the Trust thing. However, (and you'll love this), my parents are both still alive!!! We need to break the trust so my mother has money to live on. They didn't plan at for their future in anyway. My Dad is in a NH and Medicaid pending. So in this process, my mother wants to give each of (three kids) a share, each one the same amount. That's fine. It was all written out by my mother's lawyer. Even though neither sib has does anything to help me OR their own parents, I'm ok with them getting a share because I just want this whole nightmare to be over with. But my sister gets her own lawyer because she thinks I've been spending my mother's money. She thinks that because before my parents moved, I found their checkbook register that showed they had been writing checks to her for years because she can't manage her own life. She's 51 and blames everyone for her life. When my parents came to live near me, that all stopped. So she's pissed I took away her gravy train. Too bad....grow up. I told her I'd tell her anything she wanted to know, but she hasn't called me or spoken to me in because that would be dealing with reality which isn't something she can do in any aspect of her life. She actually got a lawyer. And she has no money to pay a lawyer so she'll probably ask my mother for that too!! My mother is so pissed. To wrap it up, it took quite a while for the rage and hatred thing to subsided into complete dissapoinment. It never goes away but it does subside.

Luv to all,

-SS

(((((bill))))) Your statement about your mum warms my heart. Mine is special too, but in a different way ;) I have had a lifetime of a dysfunctional sib (and that not just my opinion, but from professionals that I have seen - not she, of course, because she is perfect! Hmmm, guess I have a little anger in there still - got to work on that).. I understand about being worn out from being mad. Some of the anger may be a grief reaction from losing your mum. It sounds like you lost a lot when she passed, and anger is a normal part of grieving, and grieving takes time. It is always a good time to act like a human; however, some do not have much capacity for that. You are the best judge as to whether or not your sibs have that capacity. It is only recently, despite much evidence over the years, that I have come to accept how my sib is. I hesitate to call her a sister because that implies a certain relationship that is not possible between us. I have come to the decision that family includes the circle of friends you gather around you, with whom you are mutually supportive. Anyone who does not fit the criteria, is not family in the true sense, in my mind, though I may be related to them by blood.
Picking up your life after years of caregiving is not easy. You never go back to who you were. Such an experience is life changing. You are not the same person you were, and have to, in a sense, recreate yourself. This is not necessarily a bad thing, though it is not an easy process. You may be grieving the loss of the person you were, too. Like the phoenix you are rising out of the ashes, having been reborn. "Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." - Christina Baldwin
Let the sibs fall where they may. You don't need albatrosses around your neck for the rest of your life. My view anyway. Breathe deep and have a great day - do something good for you - Joan

How sad, sharyn. Caregiving is difficult, even under good circumstances, I think. Then if some of the difficulties that are mentioned here are included in the mix, it can be come impossible. There are other resources around. As long as the "caregivee's" needs are being met, I don't see a problem,.If you speak to your friend again, please give her my thumbs up to look after herself. To me there is no logic in terms of society (and other terms) for a younger person to ruin their health (mental or physical) caring for an older person. We all would like the perfect old age, where we sink into the coming night surrounded by loving family.. I would have liked the perfect chldhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect educational experience,. the perfect job... In many cases it is not realistic, so we do the best we can with what we have. (((((hugs))))

Thank you Joan~ I agree. Caregiving is difficult and not for everyone. I saw the post you are referring to. This is someone I know personally, I ran into her earlier today. It was a most sad visit and broke my heart seeing her pain.

sharyn, I don't think it is. There are is many individual factors in any situation. There was a gal who posted on AC about that, and I think she has worked it out. I stll have given myself permission to recommend someone else for POA for mother, if I could find a suitable person, or let it fall to my sister who is my back up, if I don't mind the money all disappearing her way. If it is too hard on the caregiver, then I think they have to look after themselves. They are not the only resource.
bill - I am glad for you your mum was nice. You are fortunate, indeed. You will survive the sibs. For me there came a point when money is just that, and, I will not let it drag me down. Fair has nothing to do with it.

I know someone who wants to walk away from caregiving? Is this selfish of them to admit it is not for them?

Hi Bilmo,

I want to offer my condolences for the passing of your mom. Ah yes, now we must deal with all the other members of the family! Your feelings are completely normal for a gathering as such. You humor is great! I use humor all of the time to get me throu tough situations, or at least lighten them. You are certainly not alone with respect to dysfunction, and the dreaded anxiety it can trigger. I had some of this last week, also on account of a family gathering, I attended this last weekend. I'll write about this tomorrow, though. But meanwhile, hang in there! Margeaux

Hi Everyone,

I would like to wish everyone a very happy Mother's Day! I hope all of you, are enjoying it, by doing at least a little something you like, whether that's a bubble bath, eating a hunk of good chocolate, anything! Love and Light! Margeaux

bill - my father went 30 years ago. I figured after that I had no family, family burdens, yes, but no family. I like your sense of humour, and your "take" on things.

. (((((austin))))) Pitting one against another - oh yes! My mother and my sister use each other against me -has always been so. The eternal triangle - use one to hurt the third. Good for you for calling. I sent an ecard. You are right we are not promised a tomorrow. So glad you have a great church family. God provides.

Emjo you are right we have to lower our expectations it is what it is-my Mother's thing seems to be to pit us sibs against each other-I called her to wish her a happy Mother's day but it was hard but kept it short-I do not think my brothers will keep in touch if she dies before we do-you never know-we are not promised a tomarrow that is how I try to live my life-I have a great church family and that is a blessing

I am sorry, I see from reading other threads that your mum has passed. My condolences. I am with you on wanting to cut contact with my sibling once mother has gone, and the financial dust has settled. What do I expect from my sib - the worst, and nothing less. then I am prepared.

Not callous at all. He has had excellent innings (cricket reference, I know - my Uncle Bert took me to a cricket game when I was over there). My mother seems to enjoy her suffering to the fullest. Everything is a battle for her. Is your mum ready to go? I do think that readiness can factor in there to some extent - sometimes (and that is about as vague as one can get, I know). Re the May Madness, i decided that I was giving them too much power over me, Has my sister behaved atrociously? Yes, and I expect that will continue. I have no control over her, or anyone else. I am only responsible for me, I have found that I had to accept the realities of my family, and grieve the lack of support and healthy relationship, (it ain't gonna happen) , before I could move on. If you lower your expectations of them, you get hurt less. It is a bit of a pill to swallow to accept that you share genes with people who behave as they do, but once you get thankful that you aren't like them, it gets easier. Note - I didn't say easy.

Humor does help, and if it only helps you (which is not the case) that is fine -something to add to my list. Chinese firedrill - that gave me a laugh and I don't think anyone would perceive it as a racial slur. My own week is becoming more and more complicated as I just had a call that sig other's dad is in hospital at death's door, so as well as a family reunion, and Mother's 100th, a funeral may be thrown into the mix by next weekend. I was looking forward.to a leisurely week of preparing myself for our family's version of a Chinese firedrill. I call it May Madness. Mother will not like being upstaged, and there is only one way she can ramp up her position, but I don't think she wants to do that. ;) Do tell us details. It will be a good distraction.for me. :)

Thanks and Happy Mother's Day to all.Do something good for you today.

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful ladies! The job you do as caregiver is the hardest job of all and all of you are loving, caring daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. I hope that everyone gets time on this day to spend for yourselves. Love and hugs to everyone!!