The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

lildeb~You are so right about asking for help. This young woman told me her mother was going through menopause, having a hard time of that, and she started drinking voldka. She never drank before but the drinking intensified her depression. I am sure there is more to the story that she is not telling me (which is personal to her family) I do remember when the incident happened, the newspaper said her cell phone showed that she called several people 15 minu11tes before her death. She also called family members telling them what she was going to do. Yes, please anyone who is suffering from depression who is making a plan for suicide, ask for help even if it means you are hospitalized. There is no shame in admitting you are suffering in extreme ways and believe me, your family and friends do love you and do not want to lose you. They may not always be available at a time you need them most but there are hotlines 1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255 and please always let someone know your plans before it is too late for them to react!! Love and Hugs to everyone♥!!

Sharynmarie: I am thinking about you and hoping for the best with your mom's doctor appointment. Bless your co-worker. Bless you too. Cattails

Emjo, how are you doing? I read about the tension you said you'd been feeling.
It's almost like a constant training of sorts for we who have experienced these difficult relatives, isn't it? Well hang in there, my friend. Remember detachment, and flexing the emotional muscle. Stay strong! Margeaux

Sharynmarie, What a story about this young mother. Yes, she's very inspirational in the way she thinks.

Good luck with that appointment with this agent. This must be very hard for you and your sister, sounds as if your mom is quite stubborn.

I read I think a post ago by you how you became your mom's emotional support person at a very young age. I too was that person for mother. That is such a difficult position to be placed in as a child. I could certainly relate to what you wrote. But I as you, realized that she was so very emotionally immature. Truth be told, as I became older, sometimes I felt kind of like I was the parent. I think that many years later, this is what causes that ongoing tension, at times when we have to face and deal w/parents who acted like this.

O.K., I'll be thinking about you and yours in anticipation of this meeting in hopes that it goes well. Love & light, Margeaux

Sharyn, thanks for sharing the story. Another thing is that people need to be aware n ask for help when they feel life is starting to overwhelm them. A few people think it is weak minded to see a counselor or go to a support group. I think it's the other way around.

Today was my first day working at a new job site (same company just transferred to my home city). I asked for the transfer to the city I live in because not only does it save gas not commuting but also because I am anticipating having to drive my mother around town for groceries, etc. when we get her off the road. Tomorrow we have an appt. with the insurance company mother's long term health care policy is through. The purpose of the appt. is so the agent can explain to my mother how the policy works and how to bill it for home healthcare. In order for us to bill this policy, mother has to be diagnosed by a neurologist since her primary ailment is Alzheimer's.She doesn't want to do this because she knows she will lose her drivers license. If she doesn't go, then she will have to pay out of pocket for home healthcare.
The whole purpose of me posting tonight is because I met a young woman at my new work site who is 29 yr. old. A year and a half ago she lost her mother very tragically. Her mother was going through some tough times emotionally...she stood in front of a train and waited!!! We all have been through soooo much garbage with our families since we were born. My heart broke into a million pieces when this young woman told me her story. She was not from a dysfunctional family in the same sense that we are familiar with so this tragedy was not something any of her family would have thought could happen. This young woman had given birth to twin girls about year before this happened and her mother was there to help and support her after she brought her double blessings home from the hospital. I can not imagine such a shock to an otherwise stable family dynamic than something as tragic as suicide in this particle way. Since this happen in the city I live in, I remember the incident because 10 days after this woman stood in front of a train, another woman did the same thing. The second woman was a young mother of two boys who was married to a wonderful husband and was from a well known family here in town. She apparently suffered from postpartum depression. My message is that we from dysfunctional families who have suffered abuse in every form imagined are not the only people who suffer because of a family member whose mental health suddenly becomes unstable. The only difference is we are used to expecting bad news and issues surfacing. Does it make us more prepared for a situation like this? I doubt it! The good news is that this young woman has a positive outlook on life and is expecting another baby. While she has gone through a horrible situation that she is still recovering from, she is also moving forward with her life with her husband and twin girls!! What an inspiration this woman is, as she showed me that life is wonderful, worth living, and that moving forward with our lives regardless of what hand we have been dealt, is most important. It is wonderful to meet people like her who give us an unexpected kick in the a$$ to move forward!

You have a huge mess and some for your dad. I'm not familar with the POA n that legal stuff but I bet someone here can give you some good advice from past experience. It so sad that she won't allow him to have the drift wood. How is that bothering her if it was hung in his room? She is either not all in the head or just plain selfish! Good luck.

omg - what a great day for me to find this discussion - I thought for sure I had the most dysfunctional family on the planet - my friends have told me I need to start writing all this down for a sequel to Mommie Dearest.........Dad , since she used her "power" after she had kicked him out, placed him in a hell hole of an assistd living - there less than 3 wks under her wonderful care, massive stroke and is now infantile - undr my husbands care from when he had brains surgery in 2010 all the way up to feb of this year, yes he had senile dementia, but he could enjoy tv, read, eat whole food, many times carry on lucid conversatio, could go out to eat, etc - because a court had deemed him incompetant in a dui case at age 85, and state attny said they did not expect him to regain competancy, mom went and took him to my sisters dui attny anyway and had my husbands dpoa revoked - we petitioned for guardianship and somewhere in here, the dui attny must have realized he goofed because Dad was not given a competancy test before he signed not only the revocation but a health surrogate paper as well which trumped his living well where my husband was executor..........even in his right mind, Dad never would have known what a health surrogate was............so now Mom petitioned for guardianship - I do believe she has lost her mind - Dad is now suffering strke and dementia and is 86 - she is 85 - my husband is 62 and still workiing at a physcal labor job and his mind is all together. I gifted Dad last year at xmas with a driftwood art "snook" (he was a fisherman) that he just loved - he has asked for it several times - the social worker advised her of the request, I left one note, then a 2nd stating it had been approved to be hung by maintenance - this is the one thing he wants because he can no longer even see the TV or hear it - but the snook would be large enuf for him to look at instead of starting at a beige wall - tonight one of the aides came in shaking her head and said she just did not understand it - seemed like she wanted him to suffer - she advised the staff that she "would not allow" that to hang in his room.................this being said, I am sure our attorney is not going to be able to negoitiate anything with her dui attny (whom I have no clue why he is taking on a guardianship case vs an elder affairs attny) - she is planning on suggesting he become a ward of the state due to the fact that this has now become a fAMILY compete, as that would allow us more input but I am sure after hearing this latest, she will not accept and attny said the health surrogate would also have to go in any negotiations.........I realize that Dad was alchoholic all his life, but to not give him the one thing he could at least look at and enjoy ??? Seeing I bought this thing for Dad for xmas and they had a marital agreement that his property was his and hers hers, and I actually have the copy of the canclld ck to the artist for 150.00 alont with a hand written receipt, I am wondering If an officer would go over to her house with me and simply request My property back because she has absolutely nothing showing its Dads property and if she has the impression that the artist gifted it to him, she is sadly mistaken............atttny does not want me to take her to small claims court as feels seeing she is so antagonistic would make things worse.........does anyone out there think I could just go on over with an officer, the photo of the fish , my cancelled ck, recpt and that she would have to return to me??

I medicaid and medicare force a spend down on me because we had a few assets total more than 2000 in our names. So to protect his policies and his money they had me transfer everything into my name. My kids each recieve benefits of less than 100 dollars from his ssdi. I recieve pay as his caregiver no supplemental support for me that i am aware. The state won't even give me tanf cuz between his ssdi and my job which is less than 30 hrs a wk at 9. 60 an hr. This other job is a teacher aide job which isn't full time and still part time if I get the call from the school since I already have my finger print card clearance card. Which means I can even do day care...yes my husband can nearly take care of himself to a point so I do not need to be stuck in a house all day. Today I am just not feeling well and with the way i feel mailing those taxes out gonna have to wait until i get my next check in. I have been looking into it and he wants a house etc but then when he was payee ssa is demanding payback from us and i have to figure how to get the money. I am gonna take a nap...ttyl

That's right cmag and I also think Burned mentioned getting income for each child. Burned, how is that going? Are you still receiving that income? Hope you are.

burnedncaringst, when my wife went on disability she also got some money each month from each of our boys until they turned 18. This is a benefit that the children should be getting if they are under 18.

Tonight, I took a very bold move in talking with my step-brother. His dad, my step-father, owes my mother over $31,000 but no payments have been made since April of 2011. Turns out that my step-brother has been dragging his feet which he admitted to and had not even gotten the durable and medical POA in his possession until recently. They were written up in 2005 and I encouraged him to take the durable POA by the register of deeds office to have it filed. Also, that is how it is activated in our state. My step-brother has been writing checks, paying his father's bills with his own signature from one of his dad's accounts for years without this durable POA in his possession.

Tonight, I reminded my step-brother of this history and that I did not understand why no payments had been made since the three of us had agreed that payments would be made on a monthly basis. I told him that in light of this history and as my mother's durable POA that from this point forward, my mother's taxes would be filed married but separate in order to make it clear whose income bears what tax amount. My mother has her own accounts and investments which she made me co-owner of with right of survivorship long ago. My step-father has income from separate sources himself. I also got my step-brother to agree to sign an agreement sheet that as his father's POA, he would pay this debt to my mother and if need be to her estate if she dies before it is paid in full.

My step-brother wanted me to wait until he saw what impact this would have on his father's taxes. I reminded my step-brother several times that because of the amount of the debt of which nothing has been paid that I am moving forward with the request to the CPA for my mother's taxes to be paid married but separate. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he did not like that very much, but however, I did not need his agreement for I was just informing him of my decision.

My step-brother is wrong about one thing though concerning the joint checking account that my step-dad and my mother have. He wants to claim that since my mother has not put any money in the joint account in years that all of the money there belongs only to his dad. I corrected him saying that in the eyes of the law both owners of a joint account have equal access to that account. However, he still wants to view it as belonging only to his dad.

The one thing that I wonder is about his Durable POA. I think there a statue of limitation for activating it by registering it with the register of deeds in NC. If that is so, the current Durable POA is not valid which also means that my step-brother has been writing and signing these checks without the proper authorization. So, I think he is going to have to get another Durable POA drawn up.

Ok Burned: You get Social Security Disability of about $900.00 per month for a family of four, plus what you make as his caregiver. Not a lot to live on.

When you talk about his Long Term Care, how does that compare to Medicaid? What does it cover? Would Medicaid cover more?

What about the life insurance policy you mentioned a while back. Is that still in force?

What do you mean about LTC forced the spend down on you. What in God's name do you have that needs to be spent down?

Burned: I think you are doing your best to keep your family off the streets. I think your husband is frustrated because it may seem to him that he has no purpose in life. He wants to feel he has some control over his life and it may be that he sees your stress, as you mentioned, and that upsets him two. I think the two are tied together.

Can he get to the bathroom on his own? Can he make himself something to eat? I think it would be wonderful for you to get an outside job and be able to see another part of life.

How much can you earn without losing benefits?

I know I ask a lot of personal questions, but I don't know what I can offer, if anything, if I don't feel I have an understanding of your situation.

If you don't want to answer the questions I have asked, just tell me. I will understand that you just need to vent.

Hugs, Cattails

Yes I am his paid caregiver in Az. I get paid every 2 wks and renew my certs and going thru training etc. He gets disability which is barely under 900 dollars a month. Most of that goes to rent then bills. I buy him the things he needs and i do give him money but he goes no where and stays at home. He wants to reverse because he says he is tired of seeing me stressed etc but I am use to doing all the paperwork that is involved. I have to argue with him to get him see the specialists He doesnt want to depend on me and he is fighting for his dependence which I do get but i am tired of the mood swings. I told him I am not going behind his back on anything and i do give him money but sometimes not every month can i afford to give him money because I have to pay everything off. I am trying to save some of my cash which is near impossible because he wants smokes all the time and when i tell him we do not have it he gets snippy with me. I said its either i pay the bills or we go without...we need to quit anyways but he is not up for that. So not trying to make him sound like he is losing it mentally but even his comprehension sucks at times. So I already plan to go to his appts with him but not sit on them so he can get fully mentally and further medically evaluated. Its not that I want MPA but if I were have that document active then I will be in charge of everything including medical decisions. He forgets how serious my position as mother and a caregiver shows. I told him fine go ahead and fire me but what are we gonna do about money to pay the bills so we do not end up on the streets. I work only during the night with him but when both of my kids go to the school this august then i am gonna be around someone who sleeps all day. So i am taking care of him but also taking care of what is important family. So here I am doing everything and getting bitched at for keeping it straight. Ltc forced the spend down on me or else the program would of stopped. I keep it going cuz he has trouble with mobility and his epilepsy. He did suffer a stroke in 09 but that doesn't mean i need to be treated like a crap.

Burned: Can you answer the questions I asked in my last two posts to you. I think you start to do it, but then get off track. Try to answer them. It might help.

Burned: What does your husband do with any money you give him?

i am being compensated as his caregiver but he doesn't like me being his payee and now he is wanting to reverse everything. I dunno if i should file for conservatorship over him because half the time he doesn't know his age or ppl's name. the last time i gave him money and sometimes i can't after I pay rent and bills and then use my peanuts check to cover the rest of the bills. I take care of his enterainment and even bought him a sewing machine he hasn't use. He is gone super paranoid on me and were fighting all the time over MONEY again. I almost told him I would leave him if he keeps it up cuz its getting old and he wants to go back to indiana where there is no family support or do anything for him. I even told him he needs to go to the stress center after I make sure he sees his other doctors. He is smart and he knows wtf he is doing sometimes and not. The other night when I was off the clock I went out with a friend and I came back his pupils were fully dilated like he had seizure which explain him not answering the phone but still i was trying to have a lil break from it all. I know i am complaining but ya know it gets bad when ur husband wants to fire u as caregiver and reverse the order of things that i was forced to do in order to keep him under LTC because he is fall risk. I have him seeing a therapist.. even for being a smart lady i still have no answers.

Burned: What kind of income do you have? Is your husband on SSI Disablility? You get some compensation for being his care giver....how much per month. Do you qualify for food stamps..I think you receive them? Why does it take you so long to get your taxes filed? It seems like it would be the same every year.

Is your husband receiving assistance from Medicaid? I remember from the Dys. Family thread there was an issue with a life insurance policy your husband had and the two of you didn't want it to be affected by Medicaid. Is that still the same situation? If so, what kind of life insurance policy is it. If the "cash surrender" value is less than $2,000.00 then I think it could remain in effect with you being the beneficiary.

You are a smart lady. You can handle the handle the form the electric company sent you. Call them if you need help. I've no doubt you can handle it.

Cattails

I Have tried all that and no luck.. electric company wants me to file a form and send it back to them and its not simplified enough for me. Then my landlord is no help but i have tried to get someone to watch the kids but can't save the money to send them on a vacation of their own to visit another friend that is their godmother. None of the churches are supportive unless u become part of the family...wouldnt believe some snoggery and snubbery in this desert town. So i am still playing it by ear but got taxes almost ready to be mailed out etc but i am really stretched inside and out...sometimes the worst place is to be at home and sometimes it not but if i do something for my health or ask for mini vacation i prolly wont get it cuz i havent been hubby's aide long enough and its like i am piling up sick days. I wish I could go to the spa or out of town and do something for me.

Don't y'all just love how other family members think they know it all n then blame it on you.
Claudie, block them from calling you and maybe that would help you. It seems all they r doing is just causing more stress for you. You got enough of that already, so get rid of the negativity if you think it would help.

Burned, have you tried for any public assistants on some of those bills? Like Family & Children Services or maybe churches can direct you toward a path for finacial help on the utility bills? I know the Salvation Army if you have one use to help out with bills if they have the funds. All you can do is give it a shot and all they can say is No. Maybe someone else knows some other resources that could help you out.

Great thread idea. Every family is dysfunctional in some way. The hard part for me being caregiver is having two older half-brothers who are narcissistic. They want to make the decisions, call the shots, tell me what to do (I'm 50!) then sit back and criticize me for not getting results they want. I tune them out and stand my ground on decisions. They only visit her once a year...offer no money for her needs, want no involvement with her care yet feel entitled to question my choices. It eats away at me but I'm learning. I may even change my phone number so that I can focus on Mom and not feel bullied. Mom gave me poa and health care proxy so I am empowered. I do what I can and what I believe is right for Mom. I can't second guess myself by listening to 4th quarter coaches coming in and changing the gameplan. It's made me tougher. A blessing in many ways really. I am stronger now than ever before. Just like my Mom!

I am sorry I havent post much here but i been dealing with alot of stuff lately. It seems I can't keep up anymore or focus. There are times I want to cry and there are times I wish i didn't have to deal with cold unfeeling members of either family. They have literally freeze my husband out cuz he can't text and most of the time he sleeps more than he should and on the 14th we see the pulmonologist and then I schedule his appt with his neuro and make one for me because the naproxen isn't cutting it. I am at the end of my rope barely making it by a thread. Then I find out my sister doesn't care about what I am going thru. She has no guilt for taking advantage of my situation or my family and totally blames shit on me which is why she isnt gonna be the kids next of kin. I already got someone else in the mind for that. Right now been dealing with bills and paying them as quick as I can. I got an extension on the electric bill so we didn't lose power and my water bill went up to 50 bucks for this month. I paid the rent and the cell phone. I need to make a payment towards my credit card and find a way to take care of other stuff and finish my certs for this yr for me to continue to be his caregiver etc. I just feel like i am in the middle of the road about ready to be made into a pancake mess. I havent had time to write in my journal or be creative. I havent had time to work on any hobbies etc. I want to start so many things but its impossible when ur well is dry and there is nothing left to hold on to. So I think i am gonna take a break from things and try to relax now that i have some support but its gonna be difficult and i am just tired of feeling sad and depressed.

I have to use that lavender oil to keep me calm when I have to go up to Atlanta n see my transplant dr. I have to make that trip June 7th for my routine 10th yrs post-kidney transplant. Except now they have us oldies coming in around noon and leaving almost before folks get off from work. I hope n pray I don't get in that bumper-to-bumper mess for I may have to just take a bath in that lavender oil. ; )

Emjo, yes that tension you wrote about. I too know what this feels like, after I've had those phone calls from my sister loading me up with her views about her mis-behaved daughter who lives there with she, and mom. It can be also about the dysfunction about my brother's situation and his family unit who had that beer fest birthday party, of which his wife was absent. Apparently, she's still out of the house staying at her sister's house. Then as I've written about in the past there's always, my sister's ongoing need to be the controller in too many situations, w/o any boundaries in place. The boundaries, that I'm really reminding myself about daily, as they surface in a variety of ways. But if I may suggest Emjo, try taking a walk, maybe some stretching. Anything, to release the pent up tension. This helps me tremendously! I even do the walks up and down my block, when I feel I'm not up to longer ones. Smell some lavender scents, it's very calming. Hugs & Peace,
Margeaux

I think a garden to relax in is great-I spray painted my which plastic chairs bright blue and have part of a shower chair I use as a table that I painted yellow-my flower gardens have too many weeds to be relaxing.

Austin, I love the idea about creating a "Lady Cave." Everyone should have a cave of some sort. Our place is somewhat small, so I use our lovely garden for some sort of sanctuary. But if we had more room, I was imagining the kid of cave I would create for myself.

cmagnum, I am not even going to attempt to give you any advice on the tax deal except good luck. However, I would like to say something about your Man Cave and that is, "You Luky Dog." I had to give up my computer room and I took all my certificate n diplomas down so that the mnl would feel more homely in at least one of the rooms in the house. I aminly use my laptop in the living room right across from the mnl chair. I do go back their to my computer if I need to make copies and to check on mnl when she get too quiet. I learn that when my son would be quiet. : ) That is great that you have a room away from the house n you have AC in their too, man! It sounds almost like a mini vacation.

Emjo I used self talk ab=fter reading Dr. Phils book and repeated I do not deserve to be treated this way until I believed it. Do you have a lady cave you can disappear in to or a favorite chair aor a piece of a flower garden or a bird feeder or birdbath-watching the birds bathe in the bird baths gives me joy-I have then near a large window where I sit or wind chims make me happy-how about calling a good friend-I know you have some real good friend because you are such a nice lady.

Joan, I heard from the CPA that my step-brother faxed him the needed information after calling him on the phone since the e-mail from two weeks ago did not get a response. Thus, the taxes will be finished in the morning.

Joan~Yes I can relate to that feeling of constant anxiety and tension. It took many years after I got married to be able to wake up on Sunday without the anxiety associated to Sundays (my dads only day off and the day everything would come to a head with my mother). The sound of ice in a glass was another trigger for me for many years too. I detached from my mother back in my twenties so I think that helped a lot. Currently I like you, know that just about any time she will turn on us creating unnecessary stress. Positive self talk is good. With my mother, I can usually determine that she will create unnecessary stress after something gets said to her that she ruminates on for a few days so I always prepare myself in advance for her attack. She is pretty predictable. I became my mother's surrogate spouse when I was 12 years old. She came to me for all her emotional support. As a result I learned how she thinks because I used to think like her until I started breaking the cycle. Living your own life and enjoying your life is so important to keeping a balance. I don't know about your mother, but my mother is so child like, so immature emotionally and maybe that makes it somewhat easier to deal with her personality and to prepare for her next tantrum. Take care and relax by doing what you enjoy♥!