The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

notlike - mother is like that daily too. She sat in her beautiful apartment, healthy, well nourished, and well dressed, and told me it was disgraceful; how this province treated their seniors!. I just looked at her and didn't say a word, but my thought was. "No one who sees you and your situation would buy that, mother!" She sits and thinks about anything, and everything that isn't exactly how she wants it and then gets upset by it.

Actually, I seem to be much better today, thanks. I went out in the cold, cold, Artic chill and got groceries and have been cooking since. Ready for bed now. You got that right - my song will be "So Long, it's been good to know ya!" I don't know why everything has to be a drama but it does. Maybe to draw attention to themselves as their need to be the center of the universe is huge.

Jessie and Brandy - how are you doiing?

Jon - would really like to hear how you gained immunity

cmag - prayers for you both ongoing

I read some jokes about narcissists the other day. - here are a few. We can always use a laugh.

What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Answer: Not being able to boss everyone else about

What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Answer: Being equally bossy to everyone else

What is a narcissist's idea of being abused? (my mother for sure)
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences

Have a good night.

cmag- I will keep praying for you and your wife. that is alot of stress and alot of meds. As we get older (I DK how old you are), sometimes med doses need to be cut because it's too much for the body the metabolize. Do you get all your meds at the same pharmacy? Maybe they would go through them with you and make suggestions. Please don't worry about weight loss right now. Some comfort food, some healthier food, and you will get through this. Hugs.
emjo- I can see what you're saying about the Rockies trip every day here with Mom. There is so much she could be enjoying and just won't. it's such a shame. Sorry you are still feeling sick! Get better soon. I'll bet you'll be singing "glad it's over" instead of Happy Birthday. Why does everything have to be such a drama? Some of us really don't need or want that. Yet we are supposed to fix it. You are very wise and I know you've worked hard to be detached. Hugs.
Jessie- thinking of you, girl! So glad you found this site. Hugs.
Enough for me tonight. bath,then bed.

I agree with your primary physician - much more realistic.
Lots of drugs for sure, cmag. Heavy ones from the psychiatrist,.that could affect weight and sleep. I am on an low dose antidepressant for fibromyalgia and end up cutting up pills as a dose between the two lowest ones works best. If I take more I can't sleep. Periodically I try less, but it hasn't worked so far.
It seems most of us should be taking Vit D. A warning for you about Zyrtec - people can have some bad withdrawal symptoms coming off it. I did. Eventually, with careful weaning I got off it, but it took a couple of months at least.

My primary physician thinks 190 is a more realistic goal for me right now at 5ft 7. He has me on singulair, flonase, a diuretic, sodium and metformin along with the suppliment Omega 3. Now that zyrtec with D is no longer a prescription drug, I take it also to help with my allergies. My endocrinologist has me on androgel plus the following suppliments, i.e. Calcium Citrate with D, multivitim, and extra vitamin D. My psychiatrist has me on wellbutrin, abilify, nuvigil, and lamictal. My skin doctor has me on two meds also. I use my sleep apnea machine every night.

I think it best to handle one major stressor at a time. You and your wife have a lot on your plate right now. To me it is the thing that has to be dealt with right now. Unless something else is life threatening, I think it is fine to put it on the back burner. I don't mean to overeat, but just not to worry about reaching the extreme goal. Too much stress can be as bad or worse than too much weight. So enjoy some comfort food as long as it isn't too much. You'll know when it is time to concentrate more on losing weight.

Ten medicines sounds like a lot for anybody. It would even be a chore to take them! I don't know what they are all for, but I guess if your doctor prescribed them, he/she must have known why. I am never afraid to question the logic of doctors, though. Even the best ones can over-prescribe at times.

I suppose you are, cmag. You have much hanging over you. I think a goal of 135 lbs is insane too. Maybe 165 ~. I think choosing impossible goals is a set up for failure, and no one who is trying to lose lbs needs that lind of discouragement. Hopefully your new psychiatrist will be better in that regard and in others.
hugs and prayers

There has to be some interaction between all the drugs you are on and also side effects. Most antidepressants cause weight gain, and the lethargy likely is a side effect.

Thanks Jessie and emjo. I'm feeling rather lonely myself. My anxiety is showing itself in eating too much, plus some of my comfort food are not that healthy. I was going to meet with my new psychiatrist on Monday, but that is a holiday. Well, that leave my appointment with my present psychiatrist appointment on Monday for he is not celebrating that holiday like others are. He's on a crusade to see me lose down to 135 lbs which is insane. I've not been 135 since I was jr. high school. I was 165 when I got married. When I was doing power lifting in my early forties, I weighed 226. I have weighed in the 250's or so up and down a little for the past 10 years which have been full of a lot of stress. Frankly, I think there is some interaction going on between my 10+ prescriptions that I am on which is contributing to my not feeling rested when I get up and lethargic to the point that I just don't have that much energy and can fall asleep during the day at almost any time.

yes ((((((hugs)))) to you both. This must be a very difficult time. There must be a great lonelineess for her in facing what she is facing. Your support will be unvaluable,
prayers

I know there has to be a lot of hope and dread. If it is cancer, then the next few months will be hard. If it is, I hope they get all of it and that it never comes back. I am glad that you are there with her, cmag.

Waiting for the news, at the earliest on Wednesday is getting very tough for my wife. She keeps going over and over the biopsy itself plus everything she's read online. I'm listening and being supportive.

The bigger question is how are you and your wife today, cmag?

Good morning, how is everyone doing today?

notlike - not much fun to be with - My youngest son and I took mother to the Rockies as she hadn't seen them for years. Mother and I went out for morning walks and she complained and complained about this and that the whole time. It was a miserable trip and I swore I would never do it again. All this beauty around, and I don't know that she even saw it. Such a shame.

" I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her."
.
Oh yes, The rings a bell! Everything sounds so logical, but if you step back, and look at the bigger picture, it isn't.

jessie - too - It isn't you, it is them, but we are so conditioned from childhood to think it is our fault and that we are responsible for their happiness.

jonath - welcome and please do share with us how you became immune. I am sure it took some work. Good for you for staying on your own path in life. What is a whole woman anyway? We can talk physical, emotional etc. I have known some people who were not physically or mentally whole. but were emotionally whole.

brandy (((((hugs)))) I know it is hard with your own pain, your husband's decline, and your mum and then a bossy sister on top of that. Hope you find some ways to make it easier for you and draw some boundaries with your sis and mum. It must drag you down.

We are in the throes of mother and my sister (main gopher - her turn this time) organizing a birthday party for mother, and mother asking 3 people to do the same thing, but not informing the others. It ends up with confusion and hurt feelings. I have seen this before, so did some checking with a relative and we are sorting one part out behind the scenes. I have had 5 emails today with variations of the same request (demand) and more will come. Thankfully, I am detached. And all of this has to be done immediately, if not sooner. I have flu, and an infection and get coughing spells, so this is not a good time for me to be on the phone much. I haven't even mentioned it because things like that don't sink in. - the way it always has been.

My theme song is "I will survive!"

love and hugs everyone ♥
jo

Oh Jessie, you hit the nail on the head. They will say "I'm not a (blank) person," but never the truth, which is that they are not a NICE person. Sorry to hear it is like that for you, and I do know how you feel. If I had a dollar for everytime Mom said no to something, or that she just couldn't do the normal, polite thing, I'd be rich. I asked her last week, when I was angry, if we needed to go back to kindergarten and learn how to be polite and nice to each other.
Mom will come into the kitchen and sit facing away from us. When she's in a mood, which is most of the time, she answers with only a word or two. I had set some cookies on the counter, then saw them later in the garbage. I asked her "Didn't you want the cookies?" her response was "I threw them away, didn't I?" When I said that I was asking because I was wondering why she didn't want them, I was told that's not what I actually said, and I could see that she didn't want them because she had thrown them away. Needles to say, I won't be buying anymore cookies for her. I didn't bake the cookies, package them, or even pick them out (Dad did), so I know it wasn't me. But in the heat of the moment, I thought I was stupid for asking her wrong. I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her.

notlikemom, you said so much in only a few words. This morning I went into the kitchen and said hello cheerfully. My greeting was met by my mother's dour face. She didn't even look at me. You are so right in what you said. I stopped to think how I was feeling by the rejection. Did I not say hello nice enough? Was I such a wretched person that no matter how nice I said it, it wouldn't be acceptable? These feelings were just a flash through me, but I know it is how I really felt about the moment.

If I say something to her about it, she will say "I'm just not a morning person." But I know she is not a morning, afternoon, evening, or night person. She is just a mean and spiteful woman. How she got that way, I don't know. I'm sorry she never chose to deal with it, and expected everyone else to make special allowances for her.

My mother controls with her mood. "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And mom is never happy. notlikemom, you are so right that it is not us.

Emjo-Jackets, serving bowls, what little things they use to control. It amazes me that so much time is used up by them trying to push us around. Here my Mom is, living the last of her life. She won't go anywhere fun with me, but spends whole days trying to destroy what I do have. What a waste!
Brandy-hugs to you. I too feel like I can do no right, only wrong. Learning to realize that I really am RIGHT, and what's wrong with me is that I'm not mean and nasty like her. Trust you instincts. I think you are perfect just the way you are. And a wonderful person for doing what you are doing. More hugs.
Cmag-please keep us posted. Continued prayers.
JinO-Good to meet you. Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. I think that's the best kind of relationship-where both people realize how lucky they are to have found each other. Would you please explain how you became immune to your family's dysfunction? Would like to know more about your journey.
Mom's turned on Dad again this week. It hurts to see him being the whipping boy. I don't know how or why he continues this over and over.

cmag, No, they don't live in the same house or in my house, thank God but about a mile away from each other and a mile in another direction from me. What does my hubby think about all this? He has mild cognitive impairment so his thinking is distorted and confused. Fun, I have two people with mental issues to take care of. As for the this too shall pass, it just gives me hope, however long it will be.

brandywine1949, I'm sorry that you feel so in bondage to your mom and BOSS. She sounds extremely enmeshed with her mother and controls her like a supreme narcissist. Do both of them live in your house? Often, when the dominator no longer has a slave, the slave driver crumbles because they are actually so dependent upon their slave. What does your husband think about all of this? How long do you think this might be for 'this to shall pass'?

While not as bad as either my or my wife's family or origin, we had our own dysfunctionalism as a result of what we went through despite the fact that we each wanted better for our boys. However, before each left home my wife had made significant progress with her mother issues and I've made a lot of progress. Thus, we feel closer together and will be better parents for our adult children who are in college.

I definitely come from a dysfunctional family, both the one I grew up in and the one my husband and I created. (he mostly, because he had been married before to an alcoholic and had baggage.) But I digress. We didn't drink, do drugs, or molest or the like but there was dysf. Can't go into detail bc my sister would recognize me if I posted more. So now she is the BOSS and controls mom like they are one person. I can do no right and am always wrong. I am their lackey. I could go on and on. I just tell myself, this too shall pass.

Hi everyone,

We are back home from my wife's biopsy. The procedure was not as bad as my wife expected. We might learn the results as early as Wed. Thanks for your prayers. I will keep you updated.

Welcome, JonathninOregon! You have had quite a journey and from your post here and your profile, you have your hands very full of caretaking several people now.

Cmag, 17 years ago I started dating a woman in a wheelchair. My sainted, but raging codependent mother told me that I deserve a "whole woman." I asked my mother not to make me choose between my disabled girlfriend and my mother's affection. It took about ten years for mom to see that I found myself in caregiving, and it has made me happier than anything I've ever done while trying to make myself happy. My family still has its dysfunctions, and I still love them with all their flaws. But finding myself has been the best revenge. Among other things, I'm immune to their efforts to control my emotional state. I'm so happy I can't see straight, and I don't need family support to celebrate it every single day. When they offer support, I take it, of course. I'm just about broke, but I'll proudly go to the poorhouse pushing my wife's manual chair.

notlike - now you have me laughing - the idea of a nar ( have to distinguish it from a narc lol) having a sense of humour!!! - or at least a sense of humour that others understand. certainly not one at her own expense. No, not your fault if she takes it the wrong way. Some people seem to look for insults. You can't win.

Nothing you can do about the blood if she doesn't want to admit it. I suppose you or your dad could mention it to her doctor.

She will likely "push" whatever she can - as I said - it is what they do. I think you handled the supper thing very well. Re your serving plates, I would be inclined to say that you like them. Mother used to want to go shopping for clothes with me when I visited her. She would pick out things that she wanted me to have, push me to try them on, and then sit and makes comments - not all complimentary. Finally I said "Don't you think I dress well? Most people think I do." Her answer was that she thought I would like her opinion, as my sister did. I said no I don't, I can pick out my own clothes, and BTW my sister doesn't appreciate your advice either. They don't do subtle. That was the last shopping trip we went on. Not true - we happened to be in a mall a few years ago and I saw black leather jackets on sale. I should have waited and gone back alone. She kept pushing me to try on larger sizes and different styles - like guy's jackets. The clerks were very good and kept doing the right things. Finally she gave up and went outside the shop to wait till I was finished. There was a very "trendy" sort of bad girl jacket, I might have bought had I been on my own. It did look nice in but, the mama interference was too much. Aaargh - the big and little ways they try to control.

Jessie-that article on not telling the doctor the truth was really good. I can see it my Mom, too. Dad showed me the blood from her "dry nose" on Sunday. There were dried streaks on the seat belt in the van. Even dripping from a runny nose does not account for what I saw. But what can I do but what until it happens again, and maybe again and again? She's been told a hundred ways that we all care, and want to help, but we can't make her tell the truth. Loss of independence is a big issue, especially when parents are difficult to start with.
Emjo-darn, I was spelling nar. by copying you. If you had typos, so do I! LOL Tonight Mom came and asked me what I was thinking for supper. I told her, nicely, we had it figured out. We're eating up frozen pizza rolls because there's too much snow for delivery. True colors came out a little while later when hubby made a joke about not saying things in front of the 'children.' She walked past me and said "We're the parents, not the children." Can't take a joke on a good day, can take it even less when I spoil her thunder by not doing dinner with her. I'm not surprised. If she pushes it, I'm going to tell her he was talking about the "furry" children - our dogs. Not my fault if she assumed it was about her or if she didn't like the joke.
Still praying for you and your wife, Cmag.

jessie - I am sure you are right about fear of losing independence.
You certainly do live in depressing circumstances. It must be very hard. I hope you get out for some "you" time -some activities away from that depressing environment just for you.
talking things out is great - helps a lot.
notlike - glad I could affirm whast you were thinking. I totally support you reclaiming your life.You can only change you, but sometimes others change a bit, once you have. And sometimes they don't. In any case you will be doing better. I expect there will be some challenges - narcissists don't give up easily, but if you stay firm you will succeed and she will settle down. Let us know and will will walk through it with you.
cmag - if you can get to a computer - thinking of you and your wife - prayers going out

It is great to have a place to talk about things. I know I'm not depressed, but I know I am in depressing circumstances. It is hard to live with miserable people knowing there is no way I can shake them out of the misery. Sometimes I can ease it for a moment, but it doesn't last longer than a sentence. My mother is fixated on her nerves, and my father doesn't realize the impact that his dour behavior has on others. Both are afraid to move, it seems -- perhaps because the slightest thing could upset their home-apple cart. A fall or a mental break could cost them their independence. (That was a very good article that was posted here a couple of days ago about not being truthful to doctors for fear it would cost the elders' independence. I think this applies to many things.)

Hi 4of8 - what a story!!!
Sorry your mum has had a stroke and was mistreated in an NH. There are many siblings who so not step up the bat, and take their turns. You are not alone in your frustrations. You do have some serious concerns. Does the POA not mean you (or whoeevr has it) can regulate what money is given away? That needs to happen apparently. I think it is shameful that your sibs have taken what they have, Good for you for straightening some things out with your mum present!

You say you are ready to walk away, that you have health issues, and that you are neglecting you husband and family. You are not alone there either, and it is a terrible place to be.

One thing I think you can count on is that your sibs will not change. They sound totally self centered. I would not worry about pleasing or displeasing them. It sounds like some boundaries need to be drawn to keep them in their places, and I would not even listen to requests for this and that. You can hang up the phone or ignore emails, or simply say you are not going to discuss it.

I am not clear on how much your stepdad can do for your mum, and how much help she needs more than he can give. If it is your mum's decision to return to her home, she will experience the consequences. It may not have been the wisest decision, but if she is coimpetent she can make it, There are ALFs where husband and wife can live together and recieve various levels of help. You cannot look after yourself and your family, and do more than a certain amount for your mum. Can you research alternatives for them and when you tell your mum you cannot keep going on like this, present her with some alternatives - like an ALF or home care coming in? There may be resources available in their community.You say you would have brought her to your home. That is a whole other kettle of fish and is very challenging for most.

Can you emotionally detach from your sibs? They seem to be causing a good deal of your stress. Detaching is not easy, but it helps a lot in these situations. I have detached from my sis, as I get nothing but trouble from her, and she has not been helpful. It makes life easier for me. What she thinks of me is her business, not mine, and does not affect how I think about myself. To detach you have to give up those hopes of having a positive "normal" relationship, and face the (often) unpleasant realities. This may sound cold and had towards the sibs, but really it is being self protective. I have one "sister" by blood, but many who were strangers at one point!

I am so glad that your husband is supportive.

Many ((((((((hugs)))))) are come back and vent some more and let us know how you are doing. if you fill out your profile people will get a better idea about your circumstances.
jo

JessieBelle ((((((hugs))))

What a horrible childhood. I know the "Don't upset Mother" part and the loneliness. I agree that you do not owe your parents, and it is a tribute to you that you have taken this on. "We are not the Waltons". Oh, yes!

I am sorry about the negative changes you are finding in yourself- waking up not looking forward to the day, not enjoying food, worry, anger, and the waiting mode. Are you sure there is no depression? There could be situational depression due to circumstances, and it seems to me there is enough going on in your life to affect you that way. You must be grieving the split with your husband as well as this big change in lifestyle and responsibilities. That is a lot going on in one life!

On the other hand thinking about starting a WOW group is positive.

Re the feeling of waiting for something - wonder if it would be worthwhile examining what it is you are waiting for - something to do with your hubby, something to do with your parents, something to do with you and your life. I have read that introspective, intuitive people can feel that way. Is this a new feeling for you since you came back the your parents home? I can imagine a few things I would be waiting for/wondering about in your situation (without knowing many details of it ). I would be wondering about: my marital relationship - you say you are separated but have not mentioned divorce, I would be wondering how long I will have to/ be able to caregive, I would be wondering what my future holds.

Big, big changes and losses in many ways - of your old lifestyle and triggers from your childhood of the loneliness and emptiness.

Let us know how you are doing and if you start that WOW group!

Have a good day - I think you will find that venting and sharing helps.

jo

Cmag-prayers for you and your wife. So many prayers that this turns out alright.
Middle-take a deep breath. We are with you. Sibs can complicate an already stressful situation. Sounds like you've been through alot. Can you call a family meeting? Having individual talks with sibs seems to be a big problem. Maybe you can lay it all out for everyone and have the group agree to a plan and some rules about costs and valuables. Hugs.
Emjo-thank you for the insight. it helps to know that you and cmag think I'm not crazy. You said what I was thinking, but didn't trust myself enough to believe. I will talk to Dad today on the way to the doctor and tell him we';re done with the dinner thing. As long as Mom is feeling well and I am not needed for hands-on care, I need to reclaim my life.

Another dysfunctional family...For the past 7 hours I have been playing over and over in my head another conversation with one of my 5 siblings. My mother had a stroke a little over a year ago that left her paralyzed on one side and she cannot speak. After 6 months of being in hospitals and mistreated in a nursing home I suggested to my stepfather that we obtain POA for her and convinced him to get my mom into rehab if I agreed to bring her to my home when she was discharged until we figured out the next step for her. He is 72 and I have 5 siblings’ ages from early 40's to early 50's. One sister agreed to come to my home while I worked and the others were to take turns on weekends, evenings or on their days off. Well needless to say if that actually happened I wouldn't be typing my frustrations to strangers right now. My mother insisted she return to the comfort of her own home so she did. My siblings seem to be taking the back seat more and more every day and somehow think my stepfather should take full responsibility for my mom and they give me the so what go ahead attitude if I want to care for her. They say they are doing what they can but it is more like they are doing what doesn't inconvenience them too much. They somehow convince my mom to give them something every time they do show up. Two of them owe her over $10K and she has been giving to them for as long as I can remember. My parents are not wealthy by any means and that money would cover many hours of care giving if they paid it back and if all siblings would spend at least 5 hours a week with her. Recently I told one sibling that no one should be taking anything from mom, well they have taken about all they can from her and I informed two other siblings that I was taking mom's jewelry to my house before it goes missing too and wouldn't you know just last week 2 siblings suggested putting her back in a nursing home stating that is what mom conveyed to them. The sad part is my mom still understands a lot of what is going on but is too confused to make many decisions on her own. So in front of one of the siblings I asked my mom if this is what she wanted reminding her and my sibling of the many problems I had to deal with during her last stay. Seems my mother doesn't want to go into a nursing home after all she just wants everyone to get along and conveyed there are enough of us to care for her around the clock, I agree. So what has me so upset tonight? One sibling called to say mom wanted to give her some jewelry and couldn’t find it. Sure she did, just like she told you she wanted to go to a nursing home and didn't want her to pay back $10k. How do I walk away and not feel guilty the way the others do? If they would use their efforts for my mom instead of against me things might work out. I am also the one sibling who has health issues and they have me so exhausted from their constant bickering and lack of support that I am ready to give up. My health is now being challenged and I have neglected my own husband and children. I don't feel gratitude from anyone, it's like I am the one doing something wrong because they don't want to do what’s right. I am exhausted but I start crying just thinking about how to tell my mom I can't keep this up anymore. My husband says there is no good answer and either way my mom and I lose but thanks for letting me vent.