The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Burned~ I know how family members can be so one sided. Of course we all have to put our immediate family first, but if family can't be emotionally supportive of others, without all the snipping and putting down, it creates unnecessary stress. I only family member I have had problems with has been my own mother who will take advantage of me and other family members because she can't see her children as separate individual people. Good luck with your facebook page, you might also consider Esty.

She called me selfish i meant to say lol :) when i kept her house clean and try to teach her kids some respect for the adults.

I started seperate facebook page to draw some attention to my writings and such besides handicrafts like crocheting and loom knitting and my sister went ballistic over something that is several months old by now and i refuse to communicate to her now because its become petty this and petty that no real actual talking. I hate that i had to do it but I called the selfish one when I was looking after my husband who had a stroke in 09 and few other things trying to keep my family off the street. She can send my dress to me and along with 7,500 dollars owed to my family. I wil state that in my own personal will because I am not ms moneybags like she is. She needs therapy like I am going thru and its just pointless to have discussions with siblings whose only focus is on themselves. I love my family but if they cant love me for who I am then why try to dance with them and do the brownie points thing. It does get old and its does get stressful...I can't count the number of times over the years while my husband been in the hospital and both of our families looked the other way.

Careful: I agree, you didn't let your dad down. I'm sorry your brother and one sister are so unkind to you. You deserve much better. Hugs, Cattails

My dad died six weeks after they moved in. My dad had diabetes and terrible wounds on his feet. I cared for him with the help of home health during this time. My brother didn't come and see my dad until he was about to go into the hospital and have his legs amputated. My dad died a week later. I called my brother the night before and told him that dad was going into heart failure and would he fly in.
He hung up and called me back and said the ticket was $400 and he couldn't come. He works for Homeland Security....excuse me. Now everywhere my mom and I go he goes ahead of us and "marks his territory." That's what I call it. He's a major control freak. I have two older sisters. The oldest child and sister is all in with my brother. She even wrote on my Facebook page where my kids would see it that she had never loved them or me. She lives next door to mom's vacant house and refuses to help with it. My other sister has been supportive all along, but has some issues of her own that create even more conflict in this already CRAZY family. I'm the baby. I'm a tough cookie though. My dad came to me in a dream and I told him that I was sorry I had let him down. He grabbed my shoulders and said oh honey you didn't let me down....I let you down. My dad made my brother equal owner of he and my mother's stock. Now my brother refuses to remove his name from it. What a mess!

I don't want to sound like i'm man-bashing because i'm married to one of the wonderful ones, but why do parents always give so much power to the boys in the family? Especially concerning their healthcare. My brother told me that if I took the emotion out of the situation that I would see having my father in a nursing home is what was best. Isn't that how people end up in nursing homes? Taking the emotion out of the situation? Needless to say, I convinced my mother to take my dad out and moved them both in with me. Now my brother is telling everyone that I supported dad being in the nursing home and that I'm a liar. All my brother can think about is his greed and himself. I had my mom change the healthcare surrogacy over to me and my brother went balistic saying that he almost sued me but didn't cause I'm family. He told me that I was a manipulator and that mom was the biggest manipulator of them all. I guess this is what happens when your the only boy in a family. You get turned into little lord fauntleroy!

Margeaux,

I smile at the term "proud peasant" because that is exactly who I am in the pecking order of my family. I've done my best to ignore the fact that the other siblings are favored and given keys, responsibilities, etc. and I am treated as a second class daughter by my own mother. She suffers from some sort of problem that causes her to rage in anger whenever anyone crosses her. Unfortunately, my father calls upon me to help him with tasks occasionally and doesn't tell her. That is when I get an accusing phone call, "Why didn't you tell me your father talked with you about _____?" The conversation ends as soon as it begins. I am not allowed to speak, not respected in any way, shape or form and my mother continues to dictate to me as if she believes I am still that 10 year old daughter. It is utterly amazing to hear her flip into her rage over the phone and "forbid" me to see my father. I'm sure my dad has known over the years that she has often done this to me and caused the divisions within the family. It does not hurt me any longer because I dealt with issues of my family of origin in counseling years ago. My mother's abusive behavior toward me during childhood was forgiven long ago. I've attempted in the best way I can to have a loving and kind relationship with her ever since. It is her choice to mistreat and disrespect me and the other people that she abuses with her screaming fits and demands. The way I look at life now, my father chose to remain married to my mother despite her poor behavior at times. Although he is not able to care for himself any longer, the choices he made in his life have left him in the hands of a very controlling and domineering woman. If she chooses to be cruel to her own children then he must bear the consequences as long as he is married to her. I am sad for my dad but I don't allow her to mistreat me any longer. I'm no longer afraid of her and I no longer need her approval. That is the freeing aspect of the result of my family of origin therapy years ago. I keep the boundaries necessary for my own safety and mental health. It is unfortunate that some of us have a parent or brother or sister that is abusive and cruel. It is a fact of many lives and I'm just glad I don't allow it to rule my emotional health any longer. It took me 39 years to get to that point, but I'm happier because I chose to love myself and then love the others in my life to the best of my ability. If they can't love me back, that is not my fault or anything that I should feel guilty or badly about. It is just reality, some people like my mother may have been abused as a child and never got the therapy they deserved. Unfortunately, I can't bear the responsibility for her poor choices and bad behavior. I'm just a proud peasant too!

JW, Welcome to the thread.
After having read your post, I can't help but think. I too am the eldest of four siblings. But of the siblings we are two sisters, being the eldest, then the two brothers. In our family also, there has been this inherent dysfunction that the daughters would just jump in there and do all the details about caregiving. I many years ago, was living in a foreign country, living my life. If you can believe it, my narcissistic mother at the time still had power over me. Well in short I left a really good relationship & came back. In hindsight I admit it was guilt, being the eldest and always following through w/family. At that time, my dad was a bit older, certainly not ill yet. Anyway, I didn't move back in with my parents. Eventually, though I did, my dad was diagnosed w/cancer. So I was living there helping out in any way I could. But my dad was very independent, not a high maintenance person, My sis help out a lot also at this time, but not our brothers.
But I did become the watch person. Mom was many times too tired, and emotional on account of dad's surgeries, chemo and all that. This was now 12 years ago, and I moved out also.

Current day my sister has done the caregiving, but in a way more intense manner, than was expected of me, since dad was a different world compared to our mom w/ALZ, and her sister-the narcissist, who just died-RIP!!

My dad was a nice guy.

Anyway, my point about all that I just wrote, is the fact that in our family also, we women have been the ones called upon when there's caring to be done. It took me a very long time, and I guess I finally realized it when I did return from my time away in Europe, that my mom was still affecting and making me feel guilty for what? She didn't want to allow me to live my life! I finally had to put my foot down with her, and I am so glad that I did, for my own sake. My morale was just constantly being taken down by mother. I was sick of it! I was raised the people pleaser, so this was hard for me. O.K., I'm sure this possibly had something to do w/much later decisions going on in the clan, about legal matters. I totally got bypassed in terms of being elected as a POA for my parents. This has hurt, being the eldest and I was there little go to gal all the while I was growing up. But bottom line, there was too much of the male hierarchy going in our family, the "BOYS," would always be entrusted w/such important positions. I'm more like a proud peasant, in terms of pecking order. HAAH!

Even right now, my sister lives w/mom, does a wonderful job. She's gone through a lot doing this because she also had to put up w/mom's sister, til just this last Jan. That was literal hell for her and me, especially. Our brothers also as yours, don't get their hands dirty at all. They'd prefer to as you're brother says, "let nature take it's course."
My sister too, is on the one hand a very strong person. Every now and again, she gets her feelings hurt because mom has never been the nurtury kind of mom.
Well, she's going to get less of this now that mom has the ALZ. But in our case, my has mellowed tons.
JW, don't feel that you have to put up with this behavior by your mom, nor your brother's. I in a sense, have had to take a stand as such, but for other reasons.
You have done a lot for your mother, and if she is the very one, expressing she would rather you leave, this must be terrible after everything you have already done for her. Well, now if your mom has elected your brothers for the legalities,
let them take over. I'm not afraid to admit to this part in my circumstance, the fact that I'm not legally in charge, so this limits my power, but then I also have my boundaries of my own on account of this too. There! It also feels great to say this!
I feel it is of utmost importance for one to realize that we are worthy of respect.
No one else will respect us, if we don't honor ourselves in this regard. Love and Light! Margeaux

Dear JW,
My Father is a full blown NPD, (mother Borderline) and I believe the genes, and generational karma is handed down through our family lineage. Isn't that amazing, from people we've never even met??? Naturally, our parents acted out what they didn't know how to work out; as a consaquence, they handed their wounds to us, their children.
JW, I so identify with you that I'd like to share a therapeutic technique i recently learned called "Self Identity" from Dr. Stanley Hewlen based on Hooponopono Healing. I think is going to be quite helpful in healing our inner-child when those thoughts and feelings of guilt, rejection, and not being good enough come up; rooted in our childhood development. I'm going to become more aware to connect these painful thoughts/feelings immediately to my inner-child, and say to her: I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, and thank you, (to my inner-child) for holding onto the false core beliefs, memories, and thoughts about myself. Ask: What is it in me that created this feeling? (painful childhood) This is based on his phenominal book, co-authored by Joe Vitale,( from
movie The Secret,) "Zero Limits".
I've been working on healing from NPD abuse my entire life, so am looking forward to giving this a try. So happy to hear you're moving to take care of YOU for a change. Much love always.......

JW~I have been following your posts and you are doing the right thing by getting out. You are not being selfish by any means. You need to develop boundaries with your family to protect yourself which your therapist should help you develop them. Chances are your mother will do the same things to your brothers and then they will come calling on you to come back to care for her. You need to stand your ground with them if/when this happens. You have been given advice here and I hope all works out for you, stay in touch!!

OMG, My mother, only 74 looks, and act's 99. Very sad. She married seven times, drug the four of us children with different fathers from home to home, school to school, and then had us sent to psychiatrists, juvenile hall, foster homes, etc...when she couldn't figure out what was wrong with US. At 52, I came to realize a few years ago, she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as, Intermittant Explosive Disorder. She rages at anyone and everyone she chooses. She raged in my face a few days ago for not offering to take care of her, and I told her, "I will not subject myself to your abuse any longer. I can't do it." My PTSD symptoms are activated every time I'm around her. We have tried to love her, but she won't let us in any normal sense.
Anyway, she recently lost the most wonderful Care Provider she's ever had. The poor gal just couldn't take it any longer. She said she hung in there with my Mothers crazy behavior because she felt sorry for her that her children didn't come around. She said, "your Mother said the most horrible things about you kids, and I felt sorry for her." I'm glad I was able to explain to her about the BPD. She said, she had new patients/clients to take care of and they smiled, and were generally happy, but she was waiting for them to explode on her. I told her it sounded like she was experiencing PTSD symptoms, and that in time she will be ok, and that now she is better informed, and will be in a position to recognize BPD traits sooner should this ever arise again.
Raging in my face looking like she wanted to kill me, my Mother said she was the way she was because of me, and I should take care of her despite the abuse, that she was there for her Mother. (dream on)
The fact is she desperately needs Assisted Living, and us kids along with her Doctor are working towards getting her the help she needs.

Thanks, Cattails, for your candor. I know you're right. I spent yesterday afternoon looking for a place to live two counties away from my mother. My brother who lives here in town is now being openly hostile to me. I'm more than ready to let him take over the responsibility for my mother.

And yes, I am in counseling to help me deal with the guilt, the rejection from my mother and the feeling of having failed.

I've read a great deal about narcissistic mothers, and I guess I keep trying in my head to make excuses for her and rationalize why she is the way she is. I'm sure that her childhood was difficult, though we know virtually nothing about that because she doesn't talk about it. I know her own mother died when she was about 12, and that she was the youngest of about 8 kids, so I'm sure her needs for maternal love and nurturing were not met. Maybe that produced the narcissism, I don't know.

And maybe I'm the narcissist because it feels like I'm making the problem all about my sanity and my needs instead of putting hers first. I keep trying to tell myself she's 83 years old, with physical problems, cognitive problems, mental, emotional and spiritual problems. I should be able to be more objective and detached, and just deal with her on a surface level, but I can't get past the hurt.

It may sound selfish, but I'm moving. And I'll let my brothers discover for themselves what I've been experiencing.

Thanks for your support.

Good Morning Sharynmarie,

I had not read your last post about the 1,000.00 deposit.
Yes, this is reminiscent of our aunt, the narcissist. My pet name for her became the battle ax. I think it's very important to keep some humor in there somewhere.
I think this is the only way sometimes, we can maintain some kind of sanity for ourselves. We used to refer to our mom, as Mommy Dearest. But the ALZ, and I'm 100% sure the meds have changed all of that. The one form of protest that my mom shows, is the use of a wheel chair. She expresses that via her vanity, and not wanting to identify as being elderly, she's 92 yrs. Well, maybe that's a good thing too.

My aunt until her death being the older of the two sisters was never diagnosed w/ALZ, Dementia nor other mental illness. But with all of her questionable behaviors, I used to tell my sister that she had to have had something. Again, on account of all the divide and conquer routine going on w/the POA, MPOA, for her while she was alive, my sister didn't even really know what was going on w/my aunt's MPOA. So a proper diagnosis never happened for her.

Well, I feel for you, and highly commend you for the compassion shown your sister in her recovery from alcohol. It is difficult for any of us who have been raised, or exposed to narcissists, to disengage from them. Good for you, that you've figured it out. Hopefully, on this end people like our sisters will figure that one out too.
O.K., Sharynmarie, have a great Sunday! Love & Light! Margeaux

JW and Popsgirl the others have made good points-I am 71 and my mother can still bring me to tears but I have learned a lot from the dysfunctional thread and the narcisstic thread if you want to move a away but the best is too learn to detatchPopsgirl you need to tell your sister your are pulling back and she needs to step up.-as for her driving with numb feet that is crazy-she needs to stop driving yesterday and the fact she is getting lost means the next is a bad accident and you do not want her killed or to kill someone else-let your sibs know what is going on and you should inform the police to take the respondsability off of you-maybe someone has to disable the car but immediatly inform the DMV and the police give them her license plate number-that is all you can do she will just get very angery with you if you try to restrict her driving - would also inform her doc about how dangerous her driving is at this point.

Popsgirl: You can't control your mom's determination to make your dad better. I don't think you need to leave town, but you should tell your sister that is close to your mom that she needs to step in. Tell her what your father has told you and explain that you have no sway over your mom. Beyond visiting your dad and letting you know that you love him, I don't think you can do much else.

Best wishes, Cattails.

jw: Here are some thoughts to consider. Ask your mom what she would like from you and then do what she asks. It may not be what you want, but it doesn't sound like you will ever get what you want anyway, so just toss those needs out the window.

There is a thread on AC about the narcissistic mom. It's in the discussion section of the site. See if you can find it. Maybe it will answer some of your questions.

You mom clinches her fists when you try to talk to her. That says a lot. It says, "I do not want to hear what you are saying." You have two brothers that she is more than happy to listen too. They have removed you from any decisions because they say you are too emotional. Maybe you are too emotional.

I don't mean that in a cruel way, but you desperately want something from your mom that she absolutely refuses to give to you. The hurt and frustration causes you to continue to approach your mom in an almost pleading manner and she puts up more walls to your need for her love or approval. It's like the irresistible force meets the immovable object. Nothing shifts but the determination grows on both sides.

For what it is worth, my suggestion to you is give it up. She will not hear you and she probably never has. Ask her what she wants from you and then honor her wishes. Personally, I would leave because there is nothing for you in this continuing dance of "please love me."

I don't think this is your fault. I think it is an ongoing family drama and it's pretty common in situations involving a narcissistic mother. Please look for the thread on Narcissistic Mothers and read the conversations. So many people are stuck in this drama with a mother. I hope it helps you. If you read the thread long enough you will find how many people are trapped in this going no where scenario.

Find a counselor who can help you. Not one who just takes up your time, but one who can cut to the chase.

I'm so sorry for your pain and wish I had something more hopeful to suggest, but I think you need to put your focus on saving your self.

Hugs, Cattails

Jw, You mention that, "She doesn't really want me here, and our relationship is so bad that she is miserable and I'm miserable too." It sounds like it has taking a very emotional toll on you n it can make you litterly sick. Is their a reason why you don't think the brothers can do a good job helping out with your mom? Has your mom been diagnosed with any illness like Alzheimer's or Dementia? I understand u have been doing it all n that is probable why you will feel like the victim of the 'bad person,' in your mom's eyes. Why put yourself through more when you really don't have to that is if you feel your brothers will do the best they can for y'all mom. By the way, mostly anyone here could agree that if you r the caregiver that you will be 'bad-person sometimes. You also mention your 50yrs old n still feel hurt n I suggest you need to go talk to a counselor for that is a lot to have on your shoulders for so many years. You need to give yourself a break n start thinking about taking care of yourself. As for age n illnesses, I'm 47 n have Diabetes, Lupus n had a transplant n I take care of my mom-m-law (mnl). However, it does take a toll on me n without the help of my husband, I don't think I could do it on my own. If u think your brothers r just trying to take advantage of her assest rather than what is best for your mom, I would suggest talking to someone like a Social Worker or if she has AD call them in your local area n inform them about your concerns. Yet, if you think your brothers r doing what they think is best n not trying to take advantage of her then let them have it for awhile. ; ) I hope u find more useful advice here for this is a good site.

Popsgirl, you mention that your dad is, "suffering from bacterial infections and bed sores," I not sure but with your mom having diabetes n not taking care of herself n plus losing excessive weight that it seems her diabetes is out of control. She may not be able to lift your dad to rotate him so he don't get bedsores.
You also mention about your mom that, 'My mother can hardly walk, yet she still drives a car. Her feet are numb and she insists she is fine. When she recently told me she got lost and drove around for 2 hours I began to get more concerned about her safety." This is a wake-up call for all family members to step in n be concern n not just by yourself just because u live closer! Has your mom every been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or Dementia for it sounds like she has something going on n it don't sound good. If she is having trouble taking care of herself then she really not able to give the care your dad deserves. Do you know if they have insurance or medicade? I would talk to my family members n see about getting a Social Worker to check on your parents n let social worker know about your concerns n especially your mom taking 2 hr for she got lost. That is if she got lost due to declining memory n not just from taking a wrong turn. I am surprise the physician hasn't recommend something with your dad having an infection n bedsores n her own health?
This is a great site n hopefully someone else can give some better advice than I can offer. Good Luck n sorry for you r having such a hard time with the mom controlling issues.

Hi Popsgirl. You have found the right site. I found this site about 2 weeks ago in trying to find how other caregivers handle elderly care. I was so frustrated and yes, even suicidal, from taking care of 2 bedridden parents. I have 7 sisters and brothers and only 2 of us are the main caregivers. In the past 2 weeks, I have clicked on several discussions. I am just sooooo greatful that the parents are not as bad as most of the caregivers' parents on this site! When, I feel overwhelmed, I just come here and it reminds me of how "easy" (Not Really but compared to others - it is) I have it. I have clicked on other discussions and found a lot of helpful advice. I even made a Microsoft Word File and typed out several of those good advice. I titled it "Words of Empowerment" I was torn between Empowerment or Encouragement. Empowerment was better because it means these advice will Help Me Handle my job as caregiver to the parents...It Empowers me, gives me strength to Do what is Needed for My Sanity.

Someone will respond to your call for advice. There are sooo many people here who are in similar situation as you! You are Not Alone! I wish I can give you advice. But, since I can't, I will provide you with encouragement. Hang in there. Take care!

After reading a few of these posts, I am uncertain if I'm in the right place. I've been looking for information and support for my situation. I don't know what to do right now. If I were in a situation like you, "jw" I would probably move away and let your brothers take care of the situation with your mother. I can relate to you in that I am the oldest of 3 daughters and have one older brother, that can do no wrong. I was daddy's little girl and he favored me growing up. Unfortunately, it cost me dearly. I have not ever been very close to my family members because of jealously over the way my dad doted upon me. Now that he is immobile after a stroke and suffering from bacterial infections and bed sores, I am standing by watching my mother slowly deteriorate also. She is diabetic, does not take good care of herself and has lost 20 lbs. since dad had his stroke a few months ago. She is very controlling and did not call me when my father was rushed to the ER. I live about 50 miles away from them and the rest of our family members are long distance. I am the only one close enough to go and help out. My mother can hardly walk, yet she still drives a car. Her feet are numb and she insists she is fine. When she recently told me she got lost and drove around for 2 hours I began to get more concerned about her safety. She will not listen to anyone, very headstrong and determined to do everything her way. When my dad is in pain at the nursing home she goes to the nurses' station and screams at them until they bring him pain medicine. She is by his side from 9 to 6 every day of the week. She feeds him every meal and does as much as possible for him to keep him comfortable. He is very ill and she is telling me that he is not going to die for 10 or 15 more years. I do not see it that way at all because I have watched him deteriorate to a point that he is barely able to talk and can not do anything for himself anymore. I don't know what to do. I have no control over anything. My mom keeps me at a distance and even sugarcoats everything over the phone. I'm expected to drop everything each time something goes awry (he went to the ER again recently) and I do but no one else in our family is supportive of me. I've received alot of criticism yet they don't understand that my mom is the one that keeps me from helping at times. It would just be easier if I moved away and then my sister that is closest with my mom would probably step up. There are other things going on about my dad's care that he does not like or want and he tells me but I can not tell my mom. He doesn't want me to say anything. I feel stuck in the middle and very sad that I don't know what to do and no one else in my family will do anything except criticize me if I don't do what they expect. Any comments will be appreciated.

I'm feeling the pain of this thread.

This week, my two younger brothers decided along with my mother that they would be her estate executors, and have power of attorney regardless of the fact that I live with her and am her primary caregiver. I was told that I am "too emotional." Then I was told I was "too old." And that I had "health problems." I don't. They met with a lawyer to update her will, and make who knows what other arrangements.

So my mother once again defaults to her sons, whom she much prefers to me, her only daughter, and her firstborn. Problem is, I'm the one who would like to see her become proactive about her health and well-being. My brothers' attitude has been and continues to be "let nature take its course."

I'm the one who bears the responsibilities for her doctor appointments, medications, etc. and who tries to keep her hydrated and properly nourished, even though my efforts meet with her constant resistance and resentment.

I'm the one who does the research on her diagnoses, asks the doctors the hard questions, keeps all of them informed about her progress, or lack thereof. I'm the one who keeps the house running, cooks, serves and cleans up after the meals. I'm the one who worries about her lack of social interaction, her refusal to leave the house, even to just sit outside in the fresh air and sun. I'm the one who gets up at night when she has nightmares.

I'm the one who tries to please her (yes... i know). But I'm the one she resents. She always makes such a fuss over my brothers, is always concerned about their welfare, always tells them she loves them.... and always in front of me.

When they're not around, she barely speaks to me. And she won't allow any sort of communication about anything of substance, so forget trying to reason with her. It's just not going to happen. When I try to talk to her, she literally balls up her fists and shuts her eyes. If I try to keep talking, she constantly interrupts and cuts me off. She refuses to communicate. And she refuses to engage in any sort of counseling or mediation that would help us salvage our dysfunctional relationship before it's too late. She tells me that she is fine... she has no problems.... there's nothing wrong with her, and she doesn't need any counseling.

So I go on my own, and try to focus on dealing with the massive rejection. Who knew that in my 50s, I could still feel so hurt, but I do.

I want to be here for her, but it's such a stressful situation. I'm powerless, of course, and the only time she will do anything positive is when my brothers ask her to.

I've been thinking of calling it quits and moving out of town, and letting my brothers make other arrangements for her care. (She says. "Whenever you get ready to go, then go right ahead." ) But then the guilt would set in, and if I moved, it would most likely drive an even deeper wedge between me and the rest of the family.

She doesn't really want me here, and our relationship is so bad that she is miserable and I'm miserable too. I don't want that for her, or me. I just don't know what to do.

Margeaux~You are doing the right thing in regards to your brother. Isn't it ironic that the very people who will throw you under the bus, expect support when they need it! Thankfully my brother and sister are supportive but I have known other people who were like that. I hope your sister doesn't get hurt in the long run with your brother. I know my mother has put my sister through the ringer this week with phone calls at work and home. I don't know if you read my post about $1,000.00 missing from mother's checking account. This money was transferred to savings by my sister with mother's approval. My sister is the one who continues to try to please my mother hoping mother will see how loyal and dedicated sis is to helping her but it always backfires in sis's face. It's not that I don't do things too, the difference is that I do things without expectations from mother. I guess because my sis was an alcoholic her ability to recognize mother's limitations has been stunted and now that she is sober, it hits her hard. Plus my mother is shrewd in her actions. My sis is divorced, she works but has financial difficulties on one income and her health issues and mother will use that to hurt her with the accusations of stealing money from her. Mother is afraid of men, since I'm married she keeps her distance with me. That is why I call her Cruella Deville (101 Dalmations). Margeaux, you are a great daughter, sister and friend!! Keep doing what you are doing because as much as we want to be there for our families, with dysfunctional families, we must have those boundaries so we don't get lost in the dynamics of dysfunction. Love and Hugs to you, enjoy the weekend!!

Sharynmarie,
What hoops one must jump through just to get safety issues addressed concerning your mom! In her condition, does she drive often anymore? Honestly, I do feel your concern in this area!

You know, I remember when things really came to a head, this was before my sister actually moved into mother's home to start the care for mom & her sister, (now deceased) 4 yrs. ago. Mom already had been diagnosed w/ALZ, so I guess that was the difference. Yes, but it was still a delicate situation for my sister to have the talk w/mom about not driving anymore. Then later, my sister told me that our brother who'd previously been the POA, not living at mom's, but supposed to be in charge of the two elderly ladies, had not paid for her car insurance coverage. Mom had been driving uninsured for about a year, prior to giving up her license! That brother no doubt was so irresponsible, it is no wonder he got the POA, revoked from him by my aunt, the narcissist.

My sister also looks through rose colored glasses at the situation w/mom. She's still waiting for mom to give her, really what mom has never been capable of giving anyone of her children. Now I think she's possibly transferring some of this to a situation going on w/our brother.

That negligent brother of ours, is the same one who I wrote about and had the prostate surgery, & recent exit by his wife. The wife hasn't returned. Not like my brother is boo hooing about that either, as we think their marriage is really caputz at this point. But now, my sister has taken on somewhat of a protective-mothering stance w/that brother. Of course all of the overstepping boundaries surface through this, and controlling on my sister's part. My sister has tried to enlist me of course, so I had to be kind of very vocal about where I stand w/respect to my brother. I being the eldest in the family, I'm so done being their mommy! Besides, I feel like I'm keeping some kind of distance w/this brother also. It wasn't in the too distanced past my brother tried to get the other 3 siblings to sign a quitclaim deed that has our names on a property left to all of us by my dad. When mom still had her senses about her,enlisted her golden son to do this. So while I love my brother, I do not like what he has tried to do in the past w/respect to mother's money, either. He has spent & mismanaged a lot of it already.

Funny thing is now, he needs morale support, because of his recent health issue, and his wife wasn't there for him, etc. On this end, oh my sister really caved in on this front. I've sent him the detached concern via phone calls, and meditations for him and his family. This is all of the involvement I really want w/him.

But it is interesting how different family members react to the dysfunction.

Well Sharynmarie, you and your sister are holding up even under the trying circumstances. It's good that she has someone like yourself to shed some objective light into the situation. Keep doing what you are doing, and sure everything w/work out for all of you. I'll keep you in my thoughts, Love & light! Margeaux

Just so you know I am referring to my mother as Cruella De Villein from 101 dalmations to provide some humorous to an otherwise stressful situation.

It has been a stressful week especially for my sis. After the meeting on Monday with the insurance for cruella deville (mother) long term health care policy, Cruellea haw been on the rampage accusing sis of stealing $1,000.00 that was deposited into savings with cruellas permission. This deposit was a few weeks ago. Not knowing that mother was giving sis a hard time all week, I called her after work today to make sure she was drinking fluids and using the a/c since we are heading into a heat wave this weekend. Cruella answered with what do you want? K do so much better when you and your sister leave me alone. I told her I was calling to see how she was and=since that is a problem I have nothing more to say to you good bye. Some times it doesnt make sense to be a decent person.

Sharynmarie: Sorry the doc appointment didn't go the way you wanted. I don't remember, but had you give the doc a head up prior to the appointment about the driving issue? Sometimes I think doctors don't want to get into all that preventative stuff; sad to say as they should know the value of prevention. I don't know when your mom's next appointment is, but maybe you or your sis can send him a letter prior to the appointment and list your concerns. Having it in writing probably puts him in a more detrimental position to ignoring what he wants to avoid. How old is your mom and when is her license scheduled to be renewed?

I'm sorry for your sis and can understand her hope that if there is intervention maybe she can have a relationship with a mom who has not been reachable in past years. I can't help feeling for her loss and hope. On the other hand, I am grateful that you are not looking for that same outcome. I don't see it happening. Your mom will fight it all the way. As far as she is concerned, she's fine just the way she is. Disappointing I know, but so many years of living by that code. Hugs to you SM.

Teacher: You are in a difficult situation. Your parents have chosen a path and lived by it all their life. You are not going to change it now. Your dad now begs you to care for him and your mom, after years of emotional abuse, just recoils into her shell. I know this sounds very cold, but if it were me and I had the balls to do it, I would tell your dad that he must hire some in home help.

As you said, he is the narcissist. What else would a narcissist do but try to manipulate his child to give up their life to take care of him? How long do you think he will be happy with the care you can offer? My guess is his needs for your time will grow and grow. It will never be enough. So set some boundaries and don't get pulled into the web. Make a list of what you think they need and how often it needs to be done. You can do the grocery shopping once a week, but have a housekeeper come in to clean and get an in-home caregiver to do other things that you think need doing.

This is just the beginning. You have a husband and a life. If you don't protect those things you love, you will lose your quality of life and that's a bad decision to make when other choices are available. You need to give your dad some clear choices and then let him live with them. Don't fill in the gaps because that is like walking into quicksand.

Maybe when you do some grocery shopping you can take your mom with you and take a moment for lunch. Getting her out of the house for a couple of hours would be a good thing. Wishing you the best and hoping you can act on your own behalf.

Love to all, Cattails.

as it stands ...i no longer worry about dysfunction because i limit contact with those who have called me selfish and etc ...so i feel for ya all here sometimes its just best to cut those that are making ur life hell even if u have to use a mediator but i wish the best to all.

I kind of understand as well for I was a parent for my alcholic, depressed mom n help take care of my little brother n sister. For all of you who r going through tough sitaution or situations, please hang on n ask for help, vent, vent, vent and I am saying a prayer or two.

Thank you for offering this blog. I have been taking care of both parents (87 and 90) who are still living in their home, (refuse to leave), which is located within 2 miles of my home. I recently retired, father became ill and now I am spending a good part of every day in their home. My father was and still is the narcissist and my mother, after years of emotional abuse, now disengages herself and ignores him and his needs. When they are not ignoring one another, they are battling. My father begs me to stay and care for him, my mother gets depressed and withdrawls into a shell waiting to be rescued. Their income prevents them from eligibility for in home care and they will not pay out of pocket.
I hear Becky's (post above) cry for help and I understand completely. How do you separate yourself from the dysfunction? When I return to my own home to my husband and young adult kids, I am stressed out and nerves are raw. Keeping it together while caring for these two parents takes a lot of emotional energy.

Margeaux~ I also have felt like I was my mother's parent. I have had to reprimand her over the years for situations she should have had the common sense to know was a wrong action. This is when I started holding her accountable which caused considerable tensions between us. Even my sister (at the time I started doing this) thought I was being to hard on mom. My sister still holds on the idea that we could get a psychiatric evaluation for mom. She called me crying the other day about it. My sis's hope is to get mom on meds so we could have a normal loving relationship with her while she is still cognitive. I don't think meds will help a personality disorder where years of therapy would and it's too late for that now.
Margeaux and Cattails thank you for thinking about me, I truly appreciate the support from you, without it I would go stir crazy. Most of the time I can deal with my mother but sometime it get overwhelming and we are just beginning the caregiving. My sister still has her rose colored glasses on in hopes of an emotional relationship that sometimes I wonder if I am emotionally dead inside regarding my mother because I have no hopes of that happening. I also keep my emotions hidden which may be why I can deal with it for longer periods of time than my sister. Thank you for caring Love and Hugs!!♥

Margeaux and Cattails~The appt. with the insurance agent was informative. He explained to my mother everything my sis had already told. Mom was combative toward my sis especially accusing her of taking over and trying to control her life. We explained to the agent that we wanted mom to go to a neurologist to be diagnosed so that all the formalities were out of the way making it easier so when mom does need home healthcare we won't have to wait. He told us it's not necessary to it ahead of time, that when the time comes, the insurance will act quickly.That was disappointing because part of the reason we want mom to see a neurologist is to get her drivers license revoked. He also explained that the insurance bases the need for home care on 6 points. The person needing home care must be unable to meet 2 of these points, such as no longer to bathe without assistance, unable to get around the house my themselves, or leaving home and wandering around the neighborhood. He said it is to soon to get her diagnosed by a neurologist. He explained that usually home healthcare is started because mom falls at home and hurts herself...in other words something has to happen to her due to her declined mental abilities. He did tell my mother that she should be proud that she has two daughters who care about her safety and well being and are willing to look after her care as much as my sis and I are trying to do. At the same time he told my sis and me that it is very normal for elderly parents to become combative and difficult with their family members preferring to trust people outside the family because they are so terrified of losing their independence. Of course he does not know that my mother is combative, difficult and a drama maker regardless of being elderly, Lol!! I guess we are trying to move to soon to prevent her getting hurt or hurting someone else and we are back to square one. We continue doing what we have been doing which is keep a check on her.