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Advocate -I understand what you are saying-when you decide that a mother is not going to change and you will never have a good relationship with her it is time to stop trying I have had to do that and spend very little time with you and do not call her very much-you are doing the right thing no one deserves to be treated badly-I thought I did for years from my late husband but finally before he died which I did not expect I was sure I would die first but I had stopped taking his nonsense -our last conversation by phone-he was in rehad soon to be in the NH permnatly and in the last call he was planning to give me orders even though he knew I was doing medicaide work and I let him know I was doing things that needed to be done not his silly request and the next day he became very ill and died less than 3 days later-but at least I broke the grip of power he had on me for many years.
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Advocate, you sound like a very kind, considerate and well adjusted young woman. I'm sorry that your family is treating you as they are. I understand. The blessing in this is that it sounds as if your father appreciates your desire to care for him. I hope that's the case. Because in the end, that's all that really matters. The other members of your family will have to answer not only to their own consciences, but to God for their attitudes, their words and their actions when it's all said and done. We all will.

I'm glad you have a supportive counselor you can count on, and also the support of your husband. And I'm glad you're able to get out and have a nice time with your friend, and that your boss is supportive.Those are tremendous blessings in the midst of a situation like this.

I'm caring full time for my mother, living in her home, and trying my best to keep her safe and well, and she treats me with disdain and contempt. There's no pain like the rejection one receives from family members, especially one's own mother. I do hope your mother and siblings will come around before it's too late.

I truly wish you all the best.

You are very fortunate indeed. And something tells me that everything is going to work out fine for you.

While it would be ideal to keep open lines of communication with your family, if you can, I realize that is not always possible. But at least you have tried.
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I really appreciate this blog. So many helpful comments that I won't address anyone in particular because all of your contributions are much appreciated. I've been dealing with some serious family matters, I was just finishing a semester of school and working in a student aide job and have been overwhelmed. Fortunately, I have a very understanding supervisor that lost her dad a few years ago and she totally understands my predicament (being the only family member within driving distance of my parents). I've just learned that she was able to find a replacement for me so that I could step down about a month early in order to spend more quality time with my very ill father right now. I don't know what to do about my mother or my sisters. All 3 of them (I have two sisters) have been very unkind, less than understanding of me in my situation and expecting more from me than is humanly possible. While they live out of the area and have full time jobs and businesses, I also have a full -time job as a college student right now. They don't seem to understand that I can't just quit everything right now. I think I'm going to make an appointment with a trusted counselor that helped my husband and I through some very rough times in the past year. I'm in need of professional advice or at least a very unbiased opinion regarding whether or not I should have any further contact with my mom and sisters. I've shut down all communications with them and feel guilty about it with my mom. I'm so sad sometimes that I feel depressed but I don't want to be unhappy. This is a part of life, dealing with a loved one that is in their final months or years. I know that. I just can't take any more of their verbal abuse (sisters and mother). I've already had words (email) with my one brother and know where he stands. At least he isn't one to pop off with whatever comes to mind and call or text me with such insulting and abusive remarks. My father should have the best care available to him and if my mother isn't going to listen to me then I just don't know what reason there exists for me to be in her life any longer. I appreciate the hugs and support here very much. It is nice to have a group that understands some of the things that I'm writing about. A dysfunctional family is truly sometimes a real difficult situation to deal with and I believe sometimes there is a time to draw the line and not let them cross it again. Hope all is well and that everyone is finding something enjoyable in this day. I am looking forward to meeting with a dear friend in a few hours for coffee. It will be nice to just sit and talk with someone that is very kind and loving after dealing with relatives that act like they hate me.
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speaking of dysfunction..i am broke lol so that is good news not and have to check the bank online ...part of the dysfunction is my husband bitches about smoking and well when i got smokes it broke us and now he is upset he is that were broke until we get his check and i get paid again. so keep praying that i get this other job. so broke wont be issue lol. and he smokes more than i ...trying to get him to do right for his health is like arguing with a bull.
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teacher - good for you - you didn't make it, or break it, and you can't fix it -disengaging/emotional distancing is necessary for those of us dealing with narcissists, in order to keep out own health and equilibrium. I am proud of you!
sharyn - so glad the last couple of days were better. You are a very conscientious employee. I hope they appreciate you! Some adjusting is usually needed in a new situation.
hope everyone is having a decent summer, and doing things that are good for them, as well as caregiving
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The last two days at work have been an improvement as I have been able to get out on time. Hopefully I will continue to become faster and be able to finish everything I am expected to get done. The last two days I have only had one thing I could not finish. Thank you for the prayers and positive thoughts!!♥
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Since joining your blog and reading your comments, I have found a renewed strength in dealing with my parents. Today when they were acting out and fighting with one another, I was able to disengage from the craziness and not feel drawn into it. I am not responsible for their dysfunctional relationship and I cannot try to "fix" it, as I have tried in the past because I was the "dutiful daughter". Thank you to you all for sharing your stories and your feelings.
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(((((((bw)))))) sounds like you are totally exhausted. I wish there was some way you could get more time off for yourself. God knows your heart, so you did not need to finish your prayers. He also knows that you need the sleep.
austin - nice observation -
sharyn - wondering how work went today - let us know
(((((hugs))))) to all
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My good intentions to pray to God for forgiveness and for my sisters in Colorado Springs ..I did address God, then on my very first sentence, I fell asleep! For all you caregivers who are extremely tired/exhausted, have you ever experimented on how tired you are? I've done it several times late in the evening. While changing mom's pampers, I stop, close my eyes, and I can feel my body shutting down and tilting. I open my eyes quickly, and I'm tilting! So, I've learned the importance not to close my eyes too long if I don't want to be knocked out! ..
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I have been reading the posts but have not cometing much but you all are in my thoughts -you are an amazing group of friends.
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Me too, Sharon - angry that is - too many years of garbage, and more coming, and our lives are not getting any longer. This is not how I wanted to spend my retirement. Work was a blessed distraction. Praying that today is a good work day for you
Rebecca -glad you are learning to say what has to be said with love and toughness - it is not an easy lesson for "us" to learn
careful - venting does help, doesn't it? the sibs are likely not going to change - so letting go should help
cmag -glad your last visit was better - I understand the anxiety that you feel ahead of time.
hi burned - you do sound a bit more relaxed - venting works for me, but alcohol never did...
today in a new day - I am going to breathe deep and look for the good in it.
Love and hugs ♥
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I must admit I haven't journaled in many years but I will start again. Yes I am angry for having to deal with these issues all these years later even after 4 years of therapy in my thirty's. It makes me feel needy and I hate that feeling because I want so much to not feel anxious about the situation. Again I thank you, Cattails, and Lildeb for great advice!!
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((((((((theadvocate))))))). I totally understand you removing yourself from the arena. It is what I would like to do, if I can be assured that my mother will be looked after by others, Right now she is. I find it hard to understand that I am related to people who behave as my mother and sister do, too. Recently, I saw some "normal" cousins who I hadn 't seen for years, and they touched me so much. It felt wonderful to visit with normal people who are part of my extended family. My daughter is journalling, and really recommends it. I used to write more, and probably should do so again. I think I am working on yet another level of healing, and finding new techniques, or rediscovering old ones is good.
I like you "name". What I have to get better at is being an advocate for myself.
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I like your attitude emjo. Being handicapped by dysfunctional family is definitely a waste of time. Thanks for reminding to write out the feelings. I keep a journal that helps me alot. Whenever the baggage starts haunting me, I just get the journal out and try to deal with some of the feelings. It does help alot. I've also found that I have to completely stop trying to communicate with the family that is so cold, uncaring and critical of me. Otherwise, it just eats me up. It is hard for me to believe that I am related to people that can be so mean and thoughtless at times. I know I'm not perfect, but I certainly don't lash out at others and think it is so wrong when others do it to me. I just learned the hard way and now I don't just dodge the bullets, I stay away completely. It's the only way I can cope. No one needs to be a moving target.
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(((((((hugs))))))) Sharyn

breathe deep, and tell yourself you are a good employee. Re detaching from your emotions, sometimes I have found that I am better do the work of feeling my emotions through to their origin -like recognising the feelings of inadequacy are coming from the flawed messages I received as a child, and affirming myself to myself that I am adequate, and more than adequate, and I have been handicapped by my dysfunctional family. Some anger at them might come out too, for leaving all this baggage on my doorstep, and it would be justifiable anger, but not good to have it seething inside us. Have you ever written out your feelings about these things? I have found that that helped. It is a work still in progress. Prayers for a good night's sleep and a good day tomorrow.
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Joan~You are probably right!! I thank you for that thought. I am sure it is my emotional insecurities with the past that has been triggered and I have to deal with it by practicing my emotional muscles of detachment. I am feeling better today but have some concerns about going to work tomorrow.
I hope your news is good and please know that you are a good daughter and friend!! I understand about having to place yourself first when dealing with a dysfunctional family member and choosing your own health. I am happy you are dealing with your health issues first as we can be no use to anyone else if we let our health fail. Love and Hugs to everyone!!
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sharyn -forgot to mention that I am glad that your friend Sanda has placed her mother, and is feeling better.
I have real trouble believing that you would be judged inadequate in a job. The others have giving you great advice, and your idea of being transferred if you feel things are not working out is good. Do what works for you, and I am glad too that you are sloughing off the feelings of inadequacy. My prayer foe all of us is that thst the time comes when we don't have those emotions to deal with any more. ((((((((hugs)))))))
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Burned~So glad you had a fun time last night getting drunk and venting!! A friend of mine did the same thing and I am so sad I missed the opportunity to join them...oh well maybe next time!! I must admit though that this friend of mine is always in need of advice and help but pooh poohs on everything offered to her so we are getting where less and less of us offer her help. Keep doing what you are doing as it is beneficial for you and your children. I hope you get the job as a teacher's aid, it will definitely help your situation!! Love and Hugs to you!!
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sharyn, I know exactly where you are talking about.
Sorry to have been MIA (missing in action), I have a stuff to deal with. I am on my way home from seeing the specialist, and it is kind of a good news/ possible bad news scenario - but, as always, could be worse. I did not run errands for mother, in fact I didn't visit her. I have and have had things I need to do for myself, and I don't need the stress of being in her company, and hearing the latest litany of woes. She has been telling me she is on her way out, and her stomach is finished, and her heart is bad, but she has never been on heart meds, wakes up in the morning with rosier cheeks than mine, and hasn't lost a pound, so I find it very hard to believe her. She just wanted me to focus on her when I came into town, BTDT - no more! The main thing she wanted me to do is really something she needs to sort out with my sister, but as always, I am called in to be the "fixer upper". I can't/won't do it any more. They need to resolve thier own issues.
The inadequacies, the taking of blame for things for which we are not responsible for, the failing to stick up for ourselves, the underlying continual stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop,... and that is where I was when I was last on here.

Thank you all for the suggestions. I do appreciate them, and do use them. Perhaps I was not clear. I do have coping skills in the area of the reducing my responses to dysfunctionality, or because of dysfunctionality, as Sharyn described so well above, what I would like to acheive, and maybe it is not possible (but I can dream) is to not react in the first place, so I would not need the coping skills. In fact,to heal sufficiently that that underlying tension does not exist any more. I am better than I was, but not as good as I would like to be, nor as good as I think I can be. I know it is a tall order, but if you don't aim for something high, surely you won't get there. I think some of the healing would be dealing with the PTSD that has come from the childhood experiences, and I understand that can be helped, also firmly believe in the power of prayer, both for these issues, and also for my physical healing. They may be related. The continual stress must affect the immuine system.
Anyway, that is where I am at. I see some new members in the thread -welcome - you surely belong here, from what I have read, and will get some great support.

Hope everyone is having a goodf weekend. ((((((((((hugs)))))))) ♥♥♥
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Cattails and Lildeb~Thank you for your advice. I plan to continue to work by best which I have always done, pushing myself to go further. My schedule has been reduced to the minimum that the union allows, but I am not going to analyze it to death because that will cause me more stress. Most work sites within this company only give the minimum plus 4 additional hours anyway. If after a couple months I feel she is still not happy with me I will ask to be transferred if she doesn't transfer me first. I think what is making this so hard for me is having been raised in a dysfunctional family, all the old inadequacies are surfacing their ugly recorded voices. I refuse to let someone make me feel inadequate so I am practicing detaching from my emotions as best I can at this point.

On a happier note, my friend Sandra has been able to place her mother in a NH. She is more relaxed and slowly getting back her zest for life. She has a B.A. degree in psychology and teaches bereavement classes through a local mortuary.

Love and Hugs to everyone, hope your weekend is a great one!!
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too bad they do not give that option on landline phone you have to do it manually. I had a bit of fun last night...did some venting and got drunk just what the doc order lol. Now I need to take a shower and then go do some shopping for more kid shampoo because my kids have taken to making bubble baths and wasting it. My daughter is wear big hair of the 80's until i get her in the tub sorta reminds of me of the musical Hairspray ....
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Today was a better visit with my mother at the nursing home than last week when she wanted to walk out of the nursing home, get in her car and drive home. Yet, mom told me that she was about to call the police chief where we used to live when I was a child and where she lives now to go find out where I am. I reminded her that I was at home which now is in __ city. What an interesting train of thought was in her head today.
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I always feel better after I vent on here and I realize that I may be trying to put too much effort into siblings who are acting petty. I'm not going to do that anymore. Thanks!
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I am learning to say what needs to be said with love but toughness. I have also learned about the call/texting block feature on my cell phone for use with siblings.That being said, I know all of us are carrying a tough load so I want to send my love to all of you. Take care of yourselves.
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Sharynmarie, I would want consistent than having someone that is fast with errors. Give it some time n see if you start to feeling more comfortable in the new area n maybe your speed as well as your consistency will come together. All you can do is your best n hopefully the boss will see consistency is better than having errors.
As for the kitty with celery that is too funny n the doggie door, that is one smart kitty. ; )

I hope everyone here will be able to find one small positive aspect on life with the challenges we may face.
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Hey Sharynmarie: I think your honest conversation with your manager is a good thing. If I was a manager, I would appreciate that you are consistent and don't make mistakes, but I understand that you are in a new environment and the support is different than in the past. Bless you, Sharynmarie. You are a good person and I pray things work out in a way that gives you security with the company.

Sending you lots of love and good wishes. Cattails
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Lildeb~I thought so too, but last Wednesday the manager of my department said she gives people 1 week to adjust, then on Monday of this week she told me she doesn't know where to place me within her team. She said I am slow but work consistently and I don't make mistakes. I told her I have never been the faster but I have never been the slowest at other work sites. I told her I was concerned about the stress it may be placing on co-workers. She said not to worry about it, all people work at different speeds, etc...so I don't know if she will transfer somewhere else. I don't like failing and I feel like I am, time will tell.
There is something about the smell of celery that my cat likes. Whenever I bring it home and I place the bag on the kitchen floor, he starts rubbing all over the bag trying to get into the bag. He will go under the kitchen table and start playing with the table legs. I gave him a celery leaf once and he started rolling all over it and playing. I am assuming it is the smell that attracts him. Yes he has us trained too. In the morning he waits for my husband to leave for work so my husband can let him out in the front yard. We have a doggie door but the cat is smart enough to know that he can get in the front yard faster if we open the door and let him out instead of using the doggie door which takes him in the backyard.
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i have tried etsy but i can't downsize my my pics which is why i use fb no limitations be back later.
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Sharynmarie, It may just take some time for eventhough you have worked their for 4yrs, you have not in this particular area so it's going take some getting use to. If no-one verbally has said anything, don't worry so much for that can make it harder on yourself too. Now, back to your cat. What is deal with celery n him? Do you give it celery n he acts like he had some cat-nip? I know my spoiled cat just goes insane over cat-nip. She is sitting right next to me at the arm of chair n sometimes I don't even know she has jumped up beside me n all of sudden I will automatically be petting her. My hubby said, she got me trained. ; )
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I am really struggling now and not because of my mother. I have been working at a new work site (same company). I am having trouble getting my work done and clocked out on time which is frowned upon. The problem is customer service is so incredibly busier than what I have been used to and the routine of the shifts is different than other sites I have worked at. I am a worrier so I am really worried about my success at this site. I have actually become depressed about it. I just finished my second week there and I'm hoping for the best for this next week. I have never been the fastest but I have never been the slowest since I have been working for this company which I have 4 years invested in, and I don't want to look for another job now. I just too damn old to start over again. Anyway I have groceries to put away. My cat gets a reaction to celery like it's catnip and he is going crazy in the kitchen. Love and hugs to all!!
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