The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cattails, it has helped greatly to have the time due to not working, the insurance coverage, and the finances to be able to have this intense therapy experience.

I am planning a fun family mini-vacation for our whole family for a 2 night, three day get away.

Cmag: Bless you. I'm impressed with all you have accomplished. Yes, I can see why you love your neat and orderly man cave. Is you wife willing to help tackle the Den? Getting one room cleared out may lift her spirits (yours too) and make smaller jobs more mentally manageable for her.

Glad you have your son to help you this summer. I still think it would be great if you could hire out the yard work and focus on the clutter. Your mind needs some burden relief.

Hugs and love you to, Cattails

cattails, the meds change has only had a week to work, and probably needs more time. Yes, I've been in therapy a long time. First, I started because of my bipolar disorder and needing to set some boundaries in my life for my own survival.

One important boundary was becoming less enmeshed with my wife's mental health problems which were very severe at the time. I was burned out from being after several therapists told her and me during her many hospitalizations that I had been way too tolerant about many things. At that point, back in the spring of 2002, I wanted my life back, but did not know how to define that.

Another important boundary was getting her mother out of the middle of our lives and she's the source of my wife's mental health problems. My wife agreed to this, but had a tough time at first because she was so enmeshed with her mother which is understandable knowing how she grew up and how narcissistic (but I say borderline) her mother is. Truth be told, neither one of us had much freedom from our mothers when my wife and I got married. Not surprising that we did not get married until I was in my early 30ties and she was in her mid 30ties.

The second reason that I was in therapy was due to going on disability in June of 2003 and no longer being able to work. I did go to the YMCA a lot back then, tried to stay out of the house for many hours a day, and returned to tae kwan do which became more of a burden and less of a joy by 2007, plus my obesity had not improved and with a diagnosis of osteoporosis, I became limited in what was safe for me to do, plus the boys had stopped TKD before I did. Also, going on disability after working for 20ty years created a crisis in and of itself.

2005 was a rough year for we bought this house after being in a rental house for 2 years and that is when I changed therapists with whom I started working on my family of origin issues, my anger in general and my anger toward my mother. A previous therapist had told me that one day, I would understand my mother's impact upon me and become even angrier, but she hoped that I would be able to forgive her. Wow was she right!

Along with this new house came an unfinished office in the big garage that I began spending a lot of time in as I dealt with my pain. A couple of years later I finished it into part of what it is today and was writing poetry again for the first time in 30ty years. That's when I wrote the poems, Path Through Tragic Pain, Barnacles, and What a Cop Out to Say This is Who I am & Always Will be Because of My Dysfunctional Family. By that time, I'd discovered a place downtown where I could share my poetry, but it shut down over a year ago. While digging into my past various flash backs started in August of 2010 which subsided after a bit, but come back from time to time. To help work through my various issues, I created some short therapy movies for my therapist about. I've had some newer flashbacks recently and feel there is one last movie to create, but I don't want to. Before this, I had created some short little movies in my computer using microsoft movie maker about my wife and I that was a whole lot more positive than my therapy movies were. Through all of this, I've shared much of it with my wife and we have become closer and she has opened up and told me things about her childhood and early adult life that she had not told me before. Toward what I thought was the end of dealing with my past, I wrote my mum a letter which was almost more of a poem in which I expressed my anger. Somewhere on this site in another thread, I did share the title of that, but it is too personal to share here. All of this was extremely exhausting and may have contributed to the pit of sleeping 12-14 hours a day in January and February of 2011. I've had all sorts of medical tests run since then and all they found was my B-12 was too low as was my folic acid and I needed an increased dose of my androgel. We even had my sleep apnea machine checked out and it is running fine. I did have an 11 week spurt where I suddenly had a lot of energy, did a lot of walking and lost some wait, but then I crashed again. Despite being put on nuvigil, I was too sleepy once again.

Near the end of our youngest son's time in high school, I wrote a poem for my wife about my vision for our empty nest which was positive, but little has come to pass.

The next subject that my therapist and I covered, which took several months, was my experiences in various churches in which I had some unhealthy and painful times that had shaped my view of my experiences very negatively. However, as we worked through all of that I came to see there was more good than bad, but I had chosen to focus on the bad which was not helped at all by my wife's total mental breakdown in 2000.

So, yes it is time to move on at 55 and discover some new sense of purpose and interests that will carry me through the rest of my years. I've thought about joining the county photography club, but that has not panned out yet. I began writing a book back in April which has required some extra research, but after a saturn five launch is down to a crawl.

The clutter is a pain, and a great majority of it is my wife's and the boys. Like we have a small shed of decorations for each season and holiday of the year and it is packed. We have far too much for Christmas and for the spring. My plan is to have my oldest son, who is home for the summer, to help me clear some of the clutter out of there. Also, I own like one pair of dress shoes, three pair of tennis shoes, one suit, one sport's coat, four pair of nice casual pants, three short pants, two pair of blue jeans, some warm up suits, winter jackets, some short sleeve shirts, four dress shirts and four ties. My wife has a big plastic box of winter shoes and summer shoes. Here clothes take up the entire closet in our bedroom which has two sliding doors and she has most of the walk in closet which too often gets all cluttered on the floor. She admits that she has too much and does not wear everything, but moves too slow in going through it all. The den is all covered with her "stuff' and thus you can't find an empty place to sit except the computer desk chair that I'm in now. Is is any wonder that I like the order and cleaness of my man cave to escape into!

We also have clutter in our various cabinets that needs cleaning out. The small garage needs cleaning out and reorganizing. So, does the big garage so that I can park my car in there once again.

After I cook lunch, which I do almost all of the cooking here, my son and I are going to work in the yard if it is not too hot.

No, you did not offend me with your lengthy post. I would love to walk in some sunlight also and not feel so much responsibility for everything getting down for a life full of nothing but responsibility and unfinished responsibility is not fun.

Yes, I probably could hang out my shingle and do therapy. But it is far easier to think about what to say and say it online than I think I would be face to face.

I'm glad for the rediscovered creativity and that this thread has done so well.

Emjo - Still working on my sleep. I can tell you that I had a Very Good Night sleep this morning. I slept so well, I didn't wake up at all until the alarm clock rang (slept thru that) and then 25min.later, my cell phone alarm rang. Of couse, because I slept so deeply, I didn't hear mom's coughing. Dad kept muttering about my not waking up to suction her. I still feel so exhausted.

CMagnum - a part of me knows that I need to go to therapy to help me remember my childhood. Maybe, once I remember, I can deal with most of my hang ups. But, the survivor part of me, wants nothing to do with the past. Just get help to deal with the NOW and to move forward. My oldest sis went to therapy and ended up HATING the parents. She withdrew and wanted nothing to do with them. I saw and learned. When I find a therapist, I will insist on not going into the past. If I'm to care for the parents, I must remain ignorant of the terrible ordeal of my past. Cat gave some good advice. Think of it this way, Cmagnum, at least you had therapy for the past, and have gained knowledge from these therapies, and now it's time to APPLY it to YOUR future and Your Happiness. Wouldn't that be nice? I wish I had all your experiences from these therapy -without me having to go and opening my wounds and my checkbook. You all take care!

Emjo: I'm so glad to here you like your new specialist and that she changed your medication. Great news. You take care of yourself. We all love you.

cmagnum: Hope the new med adjustments help you. Take a step to do something positive regarding your yard. Hire someone to do the job, then you can just enjoy it and putter when you feel like it. You don't need another chore in your life. Wouldn't it be nice for you and your wife to just have something beautiful that you both can just enjoy without the burden of keeping it up.

I was also taken by your comment about your house being cluttered because, "You just have to much stuff." Get the care of your yard off of your shoulders and then start looking around your house. If the clutter and stuff bothers you, make some changes. Maybe the clutter and stuff doesn't bother you and I misunderstood, but I am going to post this on the premise that the clutter and stuff does bother you.

We seem to collect things over the course of our life. We have a certain decorating style and it works for us at the time. Later in life we find ourselves surrounded with our past; a style that doesn't really work for us anymore, a ton of reminders of a life that we don't live anymore, etc.

For example, we have enough Christmas decorations to do 3 houses. So much of the memories of these ornaments and items come from a time in our life when we did big family gatherings. We don't do that anymore. I've pulled them out a couple of times in the past 7 years and it literally takes us a week to put everything together. A couple of weeks would be more like it because in our new home we do more lights out doors on outdoor trees and on the house. At this point in my life, I prefer the out door decorations because to see some of the outdoor trees lighted up seems more like a celebration of nature and that makes me happy. The indoor decorations are not who I am anymore. They are who I was when I was younger. Lot's of memories, but I don't really want to live with memories anymore. That's like saying life has stopped. Now, my style inside is more simplified and I would love to gift 90 percent of the so called heirloom Christmas ornaments to my son and granddaughter. Let them have the memories and something to remember us by. Something to share with their children and grandchildren. I am moving on to who I am now, because I still AM and my story isn't over.

Hanging onto the clutter of the past can hold you back from who you are now and who you want to be. It weighs you down. When you walk into a room in your house it should reflect who you are, not who you were. Some old pieces are anchors that you want to keep, but we all change and our environments need to reflect that or they can hold us back. Maybe it's time to simplify and get a new look and celebrate who you are now.

CM: I'm going to present something for you to consider. You have spent years in counseling and so much of that has to do with your past. You have probably learned enough to hang out your own shingle. At what point do you say, "OK, I have the skills to deal with life now." I think you have enough skills for several people, but you continue with therapy that deals with the past. I think some folks can stay in therapy forever and the focus on the past can keep us from the now that we should be finding some joy in.

You are a very intelligent person and I'm just throwing this out for you to consider. We all deal with empty nest syndrome, but that's a natural occurrence. I think what makes it more painful is the fact that we don't find new interests and a way to be in this new phase of our lives. We are still creative, look at the thread you developed on AC. I know this sounds trite, but have you ever considered going back to school or taking a painting class; something that draws you into the now.

You have a big old heap on your plate, but as you said previously, within a couple of years, many of the parents and in-laws you have will have passed away. You have spent years dealing with their issues and have handled them well. No doubt there are still financial issues you have to handle for them and obligations you need to perform, but start moving yourself in a direction of new beginning. Start with hiring the yard work out.

I hope I don't offend you with this post. It comes from my heart and I would love to see you walk in the sun light and leave some things behind.

Love and Hugs, Cattails.

Hi, Margeaux. I'm doing ok, just waiting to see if this med change works or if some other med change needs to be done. I've just not been up to being as active on this thread or the dysfunctional family thread as I was at one time. I'm still adjusting to the empty nest syndrome and pondering if it is time to hire someone to take care of this big yard. It is not so much cutting the grass and weed eating as it is taking care of all of the landscaping that some previous owner created here which is really beautiful, but demands a lot of effort almost year round it seems. We could hire someone to help clean the house, but our house is cluttered because we just own too much stuff. It was sad to hear that my dad gets up wondering every morning if my step-mother has died from her pulmonary fibrosis. He is not in great health either. My mother's quality of life continues to decline and my step-dad is not doing very well.

Well I delete and banned my sister from my fb account ..I was thinking doing a smart ass thing and taking her to that tv show called PPL Court but I no longer have a twin and I am no longer family anymore so that suits me fine. I was trying to mend our relationship before my husband got worse and it turn out she was using me like a paycheck and the nerve to accuse me of being a freeloader and few other things. She even attempted to throw me off her porch but we left before the end of winter. I do not know what is going thru her head but i am done. all my family has done is been courteous enough to accept my phone calls and send gift cards to use for the kids on christmas but there is a fine line between love n hate. I can say this much i have no more boulders on my shoulders.

good for you, burned, I am sure it is harder with someone on the house still smoking ((((((hugs))))

the problem is i have tried to quit but my husband's won't so its a big issue but me I am halfway there.

Hi Margeaux -responding to your post of a few days ago, thank you. I have my hair just a little shorter now which is great for the summer. Yes, exercising detachment in necessary. and there is no being nice to some people. I am going to be contacting a counsellor who deals with PTSD, to see if I can get a little further ahead with all of this. She also deals with second half of life issues which could be interesting.
Mother's latest is physican-assisted suicide. She came out with a lot of drama just before my specialist's appointment - they always have to be worse than anyone else, and would have me focus on her, rather than looking after myself. She says her doctor told her she was on the way out, and her stomach was finished, and someone, she can't remember who, told her her heart was bad, but her doc said it sould be soon or it could be later. Well, that is true of all of us. Considering she hasn't lost a lb and has rosy cheeks, I am not too worried about her. Nothing I can do anyway. This cry wolf stuff gets very old. She has totally misunderstood the assisted -suicide situation in BC, and I am not going to try to correct her understanding as she won't believe me anyway. Her doctor can do that. It is not available at present. I don't think she would ever go through with it anyway, but it makes a good story, in her mind. I did not respond to any of this, and haven't heard from her for nearly a week! Great!

Good news -the specialist was a very nice woman. She listened to, and believed me, and switched me to a drug which does not affect my liver, as the other one could. I have been on the new one a week now, and it seems to be working, so I am very thankful. I visited a friend and also my ex mil who is 80 and looks wonderful, despite havng diabetes 2, atrial fib. and being on a CPAP, I was amazed to see how good she looks, and sounds. She still lives in her apartment, and one of her sons, and a younger friend keep an eye on her, help with grocery shopping etc. She is such a welcome contrast to my own mum.

burned -if you too could quit smoking it would really help your money situation and your health. My son and his common law did a few months ago and they are enjoying the extra $$$. I know you know this, and may get aggravated that I said something, but I just want to encourage you in that direction - people can quit. and i speak from my own experience too - I quit about 50 years ago. Sorry to hear about your twim. Sounds like detachment is best.

(((((((advocate))))))) your words about speaking with someone who is kind and loving touched my heart - glad you came here for support -we understand, and they are not likely to change

survivved2 (lisa) thanks for sharing your story -I wish I had walked away from it all when I was younger...I agree - never feel guilty for wanting peace in your life

jw - you are right - the pain of rejection from family members, especially mother, is great, I am sorry you are going through this (((((hugs))))

brandywine -I am so sorry for what you are going through re your mum's things, though I am glad she has gone to an NH. Your sister sounds like a "case". Mine is similar, in some ways, and has already taken the most valuable thing mother had. I was left to deal with everything else, and am still not finished, 2 years later. Like Lisa said on another post,m Oh well it is only a thing, and that is how i have to look at it. It is only stuff. I suspect the "stuff" is not as important as the way your sister treated you, which was not nice. ((((hugs))))

c mag - hope the meds are making a difference. I agree -why take you mum under those conditions - I think it is appalling how they want to put seniors through all those hoops - more money for them I suppose

sharyn so glad the job is working out better - I knew it would;)

bookworm -are you getting any more sleep?

selfish sibs - doesn't it make you wonder if it is worth it? Maybe there somes a time to say no.

ni2bfree - me too - need to be free - welcome - your sil sounds pretty dreadful - gimme, gimme, fimme, Glad your husband has POA and has been able to intervene. Apparently my sister wants all the money when mother dies too - would be nice if she helped a little. Going against doctors care is another level of abuse - awful. yes, continuing to do what is right, regardless - however, it does take a toll on us.

Happy 4th of July weekend to all my American friends - hope you have time to relax and be good to you.

love and (((((((((hugs))))))
Joan

Hi Sharynmarie,

I'm happy to hear that you are making the adjustment to you new job assignment.
These things take a bit of time. Good that your supervisor realizes the value of a worker who is consistent also. You'll do well there, and I'm sure you're a positive contribution to the team! Margeaux

Good Morning Cmagnum,

How are you doing? It sounds like you have had some stressful and frustrating days dealing with the NH, not to mention this doctor who had you and your mother waiting. My sister told me last year that when things were becoming very difficult for my aunt, health wise, (she too suffered from cardiac problems). But given many other ailments, and trouble walking, my sister thought it ridiculous her doctor's still having nurses call to try and set up appts. for a mammogram for her. Her doctor's were calling way too much, she had appointments constantly. If you're saying that the doctor at the nursing home is in touch w/what is going on w/her heart and you're comfortable with it, that should be sufficient.
I really think at times this is where family have to weigh in, on what is actually necessary, vs. making oneself and the patient totally stressed out. Take care, Love & Light! Margeaux

I'm waiting for the meds change to kick in. I have no idea how long it takes, but I assume two weeks and on Monday it will have been one week.

Oh I understand better now. What an ordeal for you and your mother. I agree that making an elderly person wheelchair bound wait for an hour is outrageous. Sounds like no one was on top things that day. Atleast you and she will not have to go through that again. I hope you are doing better withnew meds I know it can take a little while to notice the difference. Take care!

sharynmarie, the nursing home where my mother is does offer the transportation service you mentioned. You call and they put your loved one on the transportation calendar. Thursday, it was good that I went early for the CNAs had forgotten than my mother's name had been on the calendar since Tuesday. The nursing home has a rather high turner over of people and thus these CNAs did not know that my mother needs foot supports with her wheelchair and they had a time finding the right root supports for that wheel chair. The van driver had been there even earlier than I was. My mother was not awake. Nor had she eaten any breakfast. It was a total mess! Then after all of that drama to have to wait in the doctor's office an hour before seeing him and all he did was ask various questions, listen to her heart and said see you in a year. I told him if that was all he was going to do for such a painful ordeal that my mother goes through in be in a wheel chair and have to wait so long that in my opinion the doctor connected with the nursing home who makes rounds weekly can keep up with the condition of her heart. He had no problem with that.

cmag and selfish siblings~ When my father was in a nursing home, they had a van equipped for wheelchairs and would transport the patient to the dr. or dentist for us and we would meet them there. I just assumed all NH offered that service.

nj2bfree~Keep doing what you are doing for your MIL. You seem to have her best interest at heart where her daughter is after the inheritance. It seems there is always one or two family members who cause trouble because of their self centered desires. Welcome to our group and we look forward to hearing more from you. With you medical background you will be a great asset to the group!!

Sounds like my sister who is expecting her 5th baby but when it came to battle of wills I won but still won't talk to her on a civilized based attitude. She has lied and tried to do shit behind my back for years and years. Hell she told me she hope i died alone and in pain etc. she had abused and taken my kindness for a ride because I am done being treated like POS by own twin.

Oh the fun of dysfunctional families! My motherinlaw diagnosed with dementia of Alzheimers type and lives 3 hours away. I am a medical professional. 9 years ago, while the two families gathered @ my MIL home for holiday, I recognized my MIL was having memory problems. Just like our patients, I began speaking to her and explaining the importance of a living will. At that time one of the grandchildren had come into the room. At that point, I said could you excuse us, while I talk to grandma. At which point my sister inlaw came in and said she could hear whatever i had to say to her grandma. So I continued , at which point when I mentioned a living will, the sister in law went into a tirade saying you have no right to talk to my mother about her will....I explained I was talking to her about a living will... she escalated her tirade and said, "I want it all after mother dies". The next years have been filled with her tirades, selfishness, emotional and financial elder abuse. Fortunately, my husband has POA and was able to stop his sister was going through large amounts of her mother's money. It has turned out my sister in law has gone against doctor's plan of care.
At one point my MIL required readmission to hospital for a GI bleed subsequent to anticoagulation treatment post-op hip repair. Her daughter said we were torturing her and let her go home and let nature take its course. Then she said she just wanted to make sure there would be money left. The newest adventure was to arrive @ my MIL home to find my sister in law had removed our photographs from the frames we purchased and put her own in. Taking care of an Alzheimer's relative is hard enough without all the extra stress of a wacky sister in law. My husband and I continue to do what is right admidst a very difficult situation.

cmagnum -- I hope ur new meds kick in and work for you. Thinking about you.

I have to do the same thing!! Take my Dad from the NH, put him in a wheelchair, get him in and out of my car, into the office etc....and to the cardiologist. It is difficult to say the least given my tiny frame!!! Then they say, "Oh, he's fine!" Great.....good to know. Have a good weekend everyone.

Hi sharynmarie. I'm glad that you're finally getting the swing of things with your new duties. The stress of trying to keep up with your new duties and Not look like you're the wrong person for the job would stress anyone. Whew!! Now you can enjoy your weekend!

Hello everyone!! Yes this week has gone better, adjusting to their routine which makes it easier to work faster. I much prefer the knowledge and feeling that I am contributing. Thank you all for the support and wishing everyone a great weekend♥!!

My psychiatrist has increased my dosage of abilify which evidently enhances the effectiveness of my anti-depressant welbutrin. I don't know how long it will take for this change to kick it, but it will be a welcomed one.

Yesterday, my mum's nursing home totally failed to have her ready for her cardiology appointment and I was so glad that I got there early. They had her appointment down on the calendar for days, but forgot it. Man did I fuss them out. We were able to get her to the doctor on time. We had to wait basically an hour to see the cardiologist who asked several questions, listened to her heart and breathing and said see you in a year. I told him that being placed in a wheel chair and waiting so long was such an ordeal for my mother that I questioned if coming back in a year was needed when she does have a primary physician at the nursing home. He had no problem with that since it has been two years since her heart attack without any further problems. I think it is insane to make someone from a nursing home in a wheel chair have to wait 1 past their appointment time to see the doctor. I'm going back to bed.

I am just ready for the rubber room and then some. Sister and I have been cleaning out moms house b/c mom went in the NH. Now sister says I took too much and that I was not to :remove" a single thing from the house at all. So I loaded up my car 4 X and brought most of the stuff back to mom's house. Which means sister gets 95% of the stuff and I get 5%. I got the leftovers and the junk, like old aftershave from my step father. Oh well... Jesus still loves me.

Sharynmarie, glad to hear that you r making improvement at your job speed. It always take time for someone to feel a little comfortable at a new enviornmental area even if it is still the company. Hang in there n don't be so hard on yourself.

Good Morning Emjo,

I'm catching up, also I hadn't been at all on computer if you can believe for about 4 days. Well, first of all I want to tell you that I just love your new picture, you look very pretty.

I was reading about what you said re: "we all having coping skills."
A big YES, to that, my dear, we do have them. I invite you again, and everyone, to remember the detachment, and exercising the emotional muscles. Lets think of Popeye! HAAH! Oh, I've had to exercise mine plenty! The thing is one has to keep reminding oneself to do this, because if we don't we can get out of emotional shape! Love & Hugs! Margeaux

Hi Everybody,
I'm not completely awake yet.
My second paragraph should have ended after word "pronounced." Sorry about that, going for another cup of Joe, Margeaux

Hi Advocate,

Oh! I hadn't read your latest post about your dad's health.
I was responding a few pages ago.

I remember when my dad was very ill, with cancer, things were very intense, and unfortunately as many of us have or are experiencing is when old behaviors seem to come up again, or get more pronounced.to go outside to talk.

Well, it is good that you have some supportive people in your life. It sounds as if you are doing way more than other people in your family do at a very organic level.
Many of us here know this story all too well. There's either one in the family that is possibly looked upon as the go to person, or others know we can be counted upon for help. But this by no means should be permission to be disrespected. We've got your back. Sometimes, there's no being nice to some people, too! Hugs!! Lots of love, Margeaux

Hi Advocate,
I'm glad that proud peasant made you smile! If I can make anyone smile-laugh, it makes my day. What you wrote about the way your mother reacts to finding out that your father has made a request of you is quite interesting. Specifically as to how you have described her, as going into a rage, well that is quite the acting out kind of behavior isn't it? My mom, well at least in the old days, because as I said before ALZ, I'm sure the meds have made her very mellow. But when mother still had that strong will showing did it in a very passive aggressive manner. This would absolutely drive me nuts! My dad also, while he was such a great guy, he unfortunately didn't have some good boundaries set up. So in many situations our mother ran the show. Do you think, Advocate that possibly your mother may have had/has some jealousy issues with you regarding your dad? My sister and me definitely have discovered especially as we became older that this was so w/our mother. Mother had this very sneaky behavior.

Well, it is good for you, that you have managed with the help of therapy to figure this out. It's amazing what work on ourselves we constantly must be mindful to do, each in our own ways so that we can be emotionally d! etached from these types of people around us. Proud Peasant. Love & Light! Margeaux

Advocate, I was raised by an abusive mother, and also had 2 sisters. All 3 ended up with addictions. I won't tell the whole story here as I have a thread on the subject and my wonderful friends here at ac have stood beside me, and are still doing so. I'm 50 years old, and at a young age I made the decision to walk away from them all. It was a life saving decision for me. I have never once in all these years regretted that decision. I wanted a life filled with love, a family. And I so badly wanted to be loved. I have that life I prayed for. That's not to say there hasn't been baggage that popped up along the way. The phone calls came. The 2 sisters died. One suicide, the other drug addictions. Mom is 78 and still the same abusive person she's always been. Never feel quilty for wanting peace in your life. How does your husband feel about your moms and your sibs treatment toward you? Sit down together and talk. I mean really talk. How do the 2 of you want to live the rest of your lives? How do you see your life in 20 years and how will keeping them in your life affect your dreams and goals. If keeping them in your life puts any or all you dream for at risk? Then I think you'll have an answer that you can be at peace with. Those are just my thoughts. I've lived the nitemare and you have touched my heart. Much love to you, lisa

Advocate: Where is your mother living? Are she and your dad divorced or has she moved in with your sister(s) since Dad went to a nursing home. (Got that from your profile.)

From the sounds of it, you are on your own, doing your best to move on with your education and keep tabs on your dad who is in a nursing home. What are the family complaints? Are you not advocating for the best care for your dad? Are they frustrated that you can't give them daily updates since you have other responsibilities as they also have.

Is there some reason why your father can not be moved to a facility closer to your mom, where she could personally see him more often.

My heart goes out to you. You are clearly doing your best. If you have a moment to respond to my questions, I think we would all welcome your comments and information.

Sending you lots of love and hugs, Cattails.