The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Welcome NNY - it happens with so many families - especially the dysfunctional ones. It does help to know you are not alone, but still doesn't feel good to be the one who is expected to do all the caregiving. (((((hugs)))))
((((((burned)))) -some only know how to take - it seems like they think the world, or at least their family owe them - hope your wedding dress comes soon. I know that "superior, nose in the air attitude well"
izabella - how are u doing? - I am still a but under the weather, but will post more soon. - please so some thing for you - if you go out to check mum's house do it quickly and while you are out have coffee with a friend or just walk a mall and window shop or whatever is good for you
austin -how r u?
jessie - r u really going to get a red car? hope the detachment is working still
cmag - hope things are good with you and your family
I heading to bed now and hope to have more energy tomorrow
hugs to all and anyone I forgot - think I lost a few marbles today ;)
jo

I may as well have been an only child. Nice to see I'm not the only one.

well I am waiting for things to come like my wedding dress and I havent heard from my sister...dunno if its dead end or not but for the time being glad to stop trying to be there for her when her idea of being there is take and not show an ounce of gratitude ...why do siblings have to think they are better than others we all live the same life its matter of bad decision making and learning to live with our choices seems like she can't live with hers. oh well enough said.

Ok ...this is pure dysfunction in my book and funny at the same time. I fb messaged my sister asking about my wedding dress and she threw a fit over it. I basically told her I would make sure if I had anything of hers here in Az I would make sure she got it asap. She got upset that i didnt call her when she had surgery and call me selfish when considering she doesn't like hearing how things are here. I said to her I am too busy fighting to keep benefits etc and getting another situation resolved for my husband. I won out in the end I am getitng my gown sent me via cod which I am glad. She says she is going thru alot and expects me to care when all she did was take and take. she never once said thank you or had any gratitude about anything. I could post it all here but my favorite line after she call my children the devil spawn was : YOU Narcisstic Selfish COW...then i said get some therapy before u hurt urself or ur kids. Omg how can she be my sister and says I do not give a darn anyways...that is like our parents do not care to check in on us and want us to check on them. Families are not families anymore more like broken parts to a house under construction and there are some rare good families that have it going right but without the leave it to beaver or family ties make up. Keep praying that my own lil family doesnt end up the path of my life and pray that my life learns before its too late to rebond and come together as one. I love them all yet I guess I am the one that doesn't give a a hoot when they are so wrong...sometimes the phrase takes a mile to walk in someone's else's shoes and mine needs to do that. the other thing if my sister isn't happy in her marriage why won't she leave him...cuz her biggest fear is being a single mother..i am living it that almost every day but i would not wish my life on anyone.. enough said post later

I am so sorry for what you are going through I wish I lived closer

Did I mention that besides everything else my mom is a complete Hypochondriac?? Well she is.. she is completely obsessed w/turning something that is nothing into the biggest of thing.. yet another way of upsetting an entire house.. and to make matters worse she will call the Dr..the pharmacy..w/the same questions she has asked me a million times.. I know old people tend to dwell on their meds..their aches and pains.. ect.. but I think because my nerves are so completely shot it is just one more thing I cant handle.. but I have to.. alone.. I hate waking up in my own home any more.. I remember the days of peacefully waking up..having coffee..reading the paper.. now her issues feel like a punch in the face as soon as my feet touch the floor.. But Im very sure my sisters are sleeping soundly..and waking up peacefully.. This begins yet another day of what feels like my own personal hell..

Hi -I hope all your burdens are lighter today.

when I wrote my earlier post I was venting ...mainly letting out some feelings. Its nice someone not of my family but related to marriage by my sister to their family gave me a call. It was so welcoming just to chat and find out he is doing his best and he is not living with my narcisstic sister being her babysitter anymore. My sister thinks there is nothing wrong with her but she is physically abusive to the ones she loves and yet also controlling. I on the other hand can open my mouth and insult ; be done with it. Yes there are some hurt feelings but at least I know violence isnt the answer. I continue to allow myself to be humble and learn from my mistakes. Does anyone have a user in their family. I would love to open a topic on that next such as my sister being a major pain in the rear she tried to say I sponge off her when I paid 500 a month for a room no bigger than my main bedroom here at the house for the 4 of us to sleep in and then gave money to pay property tax on that house they abandoned. I do not want to be in their shoes when the state of Indiana chases down delinquent homeowners...I mean how can ppl lie to other ppl and abuse family and friends. I hate those who front themselves like a tv commercial and like downy were suppose to snuggle with them. How can you feel for ppl like that the only thing flashing in their eyes is the dollar signs. Again this another exhaustive venting post. I have so much on my mind and I am just tired of the games. Omg not the end of his darn doctor was trying to accuse me of declaring my husband incompetent when I needed a statement to become his representative SSDI and then she must assume I am causing him harm.. My husband does what he can on his own and I necessarily don't babysit him but i do keep an eye on him besides keeping the roof over my family and paying blasted bills. I am trying to keep an eye on my stress but i think i am developing stress ulcers or peptic ones besides my cysts,back.migraines and depression and grief. it be nice if my parents could pick up the phone and say hi ...that be the day when snow hits this lil tourist town. Ok I think I let out enough steam ttyal Peace N God Bless

morning all - have to take the car in for service this morning -sore arm and shoulder yesterday so have to be careful on the computer
hoping to catch up this afternoon

Izabella -all is not lost - you can get some time for you and you need to - just ask some of those of us who are suffering from not doing that and look at your own health needs - no good to be consumed with your mum - care for her yes, but not be swallowed alive - you do matter and you can have some times of peace - think we can do better than a crawl spoace with spider webs

jessie - a ruby red car!!! woo hoo - I'll tell you about my fantasy car later - love your vision of open spaces - do you live in the west?

austin -gettng away from it for a bit is great - just to figure out how Izabella can do it

cmag - hope things are good with you

notlike - how are things with mum - still quiet? waiting for the other shoe to drop?

burned - hang in there - you have such a load

hugs to all ttyl
jo

Austin-- I could only wish to be able to get out of her space.. but its not possible.. she has made herself sick with the upset my sisters have caused..and I have no choice but to take care of her.. Todays battle was over her wanting to schedule another Dr. appt.(we already have 2 scheduled before my surgery) .. and that is fine.. I am more then happy to drive her to her appts.. but she will daily start a debate over she does not want to bother me and she can find her own way to the Dr.. a completely pointless conversation because Im her only option.. she goes on w how she didnt need anyone all her yrs..and she doesnt now ..blah..blah.. the reality is I've always been there for her..she has never driven..but if she wants to believe she did it different so be it.. but now I try DAILY to tell her life changes..and some changes we dont like..but we have to accept them.. well this is not good enough for her.. she will go on and on.. until it is an arguement.. she says its because she feels bad seeing me do all.. Yet,somewhere in my heart I think she just will not accept her "new" way of life.. so my whole house suffers.. I hate bellowing on here.. I really do.. I know thats why we all come to this site.. but wouldnt it be nice to just "talk".. I dont know about anyone else..but I often feel so very consumed with problems and negitivity that I know longer know how to have a "normal" conversation w/anyone.. I feel completely drained.. On a funny side.. when I read the suggestion of finding another space.. I pictured myself sitting in my crawlspace..spiderwebs..dust..soot..spiders.. the works..better then my other option..haha..

Izabella -is there any way to get out of her space while she rants and ravs and go back in later when she has run out of steam-if you said to her I di not want to hear about would that help-probably not but I wish I could make it better for you.

I just looked over the entire thread and it looks like some are either MIA, missing in action, or have not posted here in a while. I hope they are doing ok. This dysfunctional family mess can really be a burden and intensifies with cargiving.

I hope folks are not getting discouraged with their early attempts to detach with love, for it takes practice for those 'no muscles' to gain strength, but still getting hoovered back into their drama can happen to anyone.

just lost one long post to you izabella cause the cat deleted it - yes really and then did another one to you jessie and pressed submit and it disappeared.
I am going to type them out in a word doc!

I agree jessie - Izabella you got hoovered in again. there are ways around it. Better stop here before I lose this one too,.

Izabella, it sounds like you really got sucked back into it. Parents see their kids different than other people. We may know they are really monsters, but parents always see them as those sweet little angels they raised. It's probably hard on them when they get the glimpse of the monsters they can be.

You'll have to schedule another cook day that you'll enjoy. And maybe she'll stay off the phone. I would be tempted to incapacitate the line. :-E

Joan, you sound like you are where I want to be. I'm new to this stage of healing, so I'm still waiting for anger to rear its ugly head in me. I took my blood pressure a couple of time when I felt angry and it was high. Stress and anger can play havoc on our bodies. It would be terrible if the dysfunction of childhood made me have a stroke in my early old age. A new car sounds so much better. I'm really enjoying looking for one. I've decided on a ruby Hyundai Sonata. They are pretty and affordable (if there is any such thing when it comes to cars).

I've also started thinking about life after caregiving. I saw a house that you could see from the front to the back through the big windows. It was so light and airy and clean. I thought about my own new place with very little furniture, a lot of floor, and a lot of light in a senior community where someone else does all the maintenance. :)

Jo--- Just wanted to stress my thank you to you for your advice yesterday.. It began really good!.. lasted for about 30min. before the bomb dropped and I was taking blood pressure ect.. (as I mentioned in my post).. But regardless of how it ended up.. I do appreciate it!! Have a nice day.. you are a special lady

I do wish I had the ability of not being affected by my reactions..or comments.. Jessie you are so right the emotional energy it takes to confront hurtful words or actions is not worth it..but yet it is so hard... Yesterday I tried to focus on the wonderful advice Jo gave me.. To do one thing for me.. so I decided to put all my energy into getting creative in the kitchen... While I was trying to make a peaceful day.. My mom decided to call my one sister.. well long story short.. the phone conversation turned into a arguement.. every now and then my mom will see what horrible people my sisters truly are.. so of course,following the call my mom was upset..her blood pressure went up..she was a wreck physically and emotionally.. and all for me to "make better".. I had to put aside what I was doing to calm her down..talk and talk.. but I could not hold back.. I told her all will be fine with you and your beloved daugters in a few days and no matter how much they hurt you I'm left to clean it up.. This made her very angry.. as this comment usually does.. But I am tired of being the one to calm mom down while they go on with life.. but she will continue to call them.. because in her words.."they are my daughters".. It's not fair.. I have zero contact with my sisters.. because they contribute nothing positive to my life..but indirectly I am forced to deal with them because mom lives with me.. From the age of 10 all I wanted to do is to get my mom (and me) away from my sisters.. and when I finally do I see she is the one that won't let go... I told her one day you will end up having a stroke..or worse.. all for them.. but I've said this before and nothing changes.. my mom is very emotional and the upset they create makes her sick.. I cannot keep living my life fixing their damage.. but I have to.. I'm stuck just as I was as a 10yr little girl.. funny how lifes pattern never really changes.. I wish everyone a day filled with the Love we do deserve......

Izabella - how did the time-for-you cooking go? Waiting to hear! :)

(((((jessiebelle)))) right on!!! and good for you austin - figuring out a way that works.

I am older than you are, and I do appreciate what you say about stress and self preservation. Things used to bother me for days too. In the past few years it was affecting my health to the point that I knew I had to make changes. Even now, I am struggling with some health issues that must be, at least in part, rooted in a lifetime of stress. Thankfully they aren't life threatening. This past summer I made the decision to finally detach. I had distanced (given myself space) before but not detached. I think it is self preservation. I had some anger and lots of hurt to do with my mother and my sister. It is amazing how it can be like water off a duck's back, once you get into the "right" frame of mind,

Hugs to both of you and gave a good day

Joan

195Austin, it feels better. The first nip was still hurtful. Not long ago if she had said that, it would have chewed at me for days. I was just hurting myself feeling all that anger. I wonder if a lot of the change in the way I am feeling is self preservation. Now that I'm older, all that stress and anger were probably going to kill me.

Jessie that was great I have to learn to do that when visiting my Mom-lucky for me when I visit I now stay with my sister and only see Mom with others present and she plays the sweet old lady role she is so good with doing. But instead of stewing over what someone says I will put it behind me fast and see how that goes.

What can you say about dysfunctional families? Today I was cleaning my car. It is 9 years old and leaks in a couple of places. I'm always having to clean up the water after it rains. And it is forever raining here.

Today I came in and said I thought it was time to buy a new car. My mother said right away that they could not help me with buying one. I didn't ask them and don't need any help there, but it did stir up some feelings. My parents never gave me anything. They paid for my brothers' college, but I paid for my own. They saved money for their grandkids' college. They gave thousands and thousands of dollars to my oldest brother. They invested so much in the sons, but I was left to fend for myself when it comes to finances.

My first thought was to tell her what a rude remark it was to make to someone who has given them over two years of her life with no thought of pay. My second thought was that it didn't matter. My mother is stuck in that old mindset that boys matter and girls are only good for breeding and cleaning. I'm not going to change her now.

If she's lucky I'll let her ride in my new car. That I was bothered by it and put it behind me so fast made me proud. I realized that it didn't matter and I certainly was not going to put any emotional energy into it.

"She let go" was so good emjo, so simple, just let go... thanks,,, hugs to you

Izabella, my wife was more her mother's substitute spouse like you describe and so was I as the only child of a single mom.

Jo, thanks for sharing that poem.

That poem is very true. We must face the reality of the pain and then let it go. Some, like myself, write a letter expressing our pain, read it aloud, burn it in a safe container while praying a prayer of release into God's hands, and then throwing the ashes to the wind.

for Izabella, ladee, cmag and all of us here dealing with dysfunctinal family issues

it touched me...

She let go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Ernest Holmes

cmag I appreciate that you wrote "While this might sound harsh and a path toward being a calloused person, I find this is how I become more and more seasoned instead of becoming more and more hardened out of bitterness and resentment toward others which in the long run only hurts me."

I find the same. I know to some drawing firm boundaries may sound harsh, but exhaustion, bitterness, resentment etc are harsh too and draw a person down. We do have limits to what is good/healthy for us. Those with personality disorders are unable to repent I think - they truely do not recognise what they do to others. I forgive, as scripture says I should, and for my own good, not because the other asks for it.
Distinguishing between the "real" needs and crises, as opposed to the narcissistic manipulations takes some practice. In my mother's case many, if not most of the fusses in her life have been narcissistic crises - one's she has created. I am learning not to get hoovered into them.

I am going to post a poem I found called "She let go". It could as well be "He let go". I found it useful.

Our current situations are very much influenced by our childhood experiences -from which many of us are still healing. I am the younger too, but expected to take more responsibility, and supported my dad through his difficulties with my mother - I understand that well. These patterns become ingrained early, and we have to work hard to replace them with healthier patterns, I love cooking too - for me it is a creative thing - so I do wish you lot of luck and fun and enjoyment of your efforts. It is never too late to walk a different path. Yes - keep telling yourself the truths about yourself - you are beloved of God and He does have answers for you. Don't respond if the guilt buttons get pushed by your mum - just keep on with your plans no matter what she says, or if she crys or sulks. That;s called manipulation. There ia a great website about "daughters of narcissistic mothers." If you google that phrase, you will find good resources (((((((((hugs)))))) jo

This site has not just helped me w/trying to find a new approach in dealing w/my mom.but also at the same time dealing w/ very sisters.. Jo.. Your comment regarding what was my childhood.. you are so very right.. since I can remember I was always more of a spouse to my mom then a daughter.. Now don't get me wrong..she cared for me if I was ill as a child..but emotional support she would tell me "you are such a strong person.." I would help her w/problems w/my sisters from the time I was young(and I am the youngest).. and when I would go on a date..I felt guilty leaving mom if she was upset from one of my sisters.. so I would cancel..or come home early.. So..thank you for opening my eyes..and do some some soul searching.. and as far as me time..today I am cooking..for me it relaxing..but it's not easy because mom feels I am not including her.. So..wish me luck.. and cmagnum--your powerful words I need to really print..and re-read them at least 100 times a day.. ladeeda-- I wish you a beautiful day..you are so far from being a "stupid" person.. not even close...

I think there are four sentences that we need to say out loud until they sink into our heads. 1. I did not make the person I am are caring for the way they are. 2. I cannot control their illness. 3 I cannot fix their illness. 4. I can choose a healthier path for myself and seek to stay on that path.

For me, the statements above help us detach from the sick drama that dysfunctional people want to hoover us into. They want us to dance their dance. They want us to feel guilty for how they are. They want us to feel obligated to fix what only they can fix. They want to control us by tricking us in trying to control their dysfunctional personality disorder. Generally speaking, this is how people with a narcissistic, borderline or histrionic personality operate.

We can't change them, but we can detach with love so that we are dealing with what is the real crisis of their life without getting hoovered into their drama.

While this might sound harsh and a path toward being a calloused person, I find this is how I become more and more seasoned instead of becoming more and more hardened out of bitterness and resentment toward others which in the long run only hurts me. Waiting for others to repent is a waste of my energy that can be better spent.

May we all find more and more freedom from being hoovered into the dark side of dysfunctional personalities knowing their basic hoovering techniques are Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the three tools of emotional blackmail.

(((((Izabella)))) You have to practice your "no" muscles - they get stronger as you use them. You don't have to say it to her - or you can - but in your head anyway, to the endless demands and misery. If your mum has been negative all her life you probably have to grieve that - it is a loss of a "normal" childhood, You deserve a good portion of your life, for you, and to make it good for you. I know you can do it - give to yourself what you have been giving to your mum - I know you will appreciate it more than she does. Believe me she will manage - she may ramp up her attempts to get you to center on her, but resist them, eventually she will respect your boundaries better, if you keep them firm.
ladee - old triggers for parental approval it sounds like - know that one well - good to ID it and put it where it belongs - out of your life. I am sorry for Marie and maybe she isn't feeling well which makes her worse, but we all have choices ...

love
jo