The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Joan~yes I agree there were probably problems there before the death. I think you are wise to look ahead to future issues with your sister and take steps to protect yourself. You know your sister best. This concerns me with my sister's oldest daughter if I should have to care of my sister. Her daughter accused her uncle (father's brother) of using up all the money from his parents. She didn't take into account he was paying out of their accounts for the NH. Of course my sister doesn't have the money her in-laws had but I don't want problems with my niece as she is greedy when it comes to money.
I don't think I will need anymore pain meds. Usually the first night with this kind of injury is when it hurts...as the body relaxes after the shock of it all. If I should, Tylenol is what I will take.
Careful~that must have been traumatic for you at such a young age having to get your finger sewed back on. Bad enough at any age , but when you are so little not understanding the situation.

Oh Joan, hate you got a ticket. I got two tickets w/in a month one time. That slowed me down! I live by cruise control from then on! We all need you here, so can u please slow down?!! Sister sounds like a piece of work. Keep the receipts! Don't know how things work there...I got an elder atty to draw up stuff for my mom- things are spelled out clearly, but I was granted the power to make changes in her trust if warranted, later, to address the special needs of each famil member. My dads wife is a piece of work, we steer clear of her-she too sues her family members and is pretty crazy-we do however take steps to protect ourselves from the insane surprise curve balls she comes up with, but really, we r just glad we r not like her!!

Hi careful - another lead foot eh? ;)
bet that wasn't fun getting your finger sewed back on. I have thought about giving both POA and the executor job to an attorney but my sis is back up on the POA document so if I opt out it would go to her, and I don't trust her. The situation would have to be pretty bad before i did that. I may well give the executor job to an attorney, just to avoid the possibility of my sister suing me or causing trouble in some way.
sharyn, i think if that happens after the death of a family member the problems were there before the death. Sorry to hear about the Vicodin reaction. I have never taken any strong painkillers - as I have been cncerned about that - even when I had dry socket after removal of a wisdom tooth which was extremely painful for over a week. You can take full dose of tylenol (acetomenophin sp?) and ibuprofen at the same time, which is what I did and it helped. And you can take higher doses than it says on the bottle for short periods of time -according to the internet.
Have a good Sunday everyone!

Careful~I agree about greed. I have heard some horror stories from people about how when their last living parent passed away, siblings would argue about what they wanted and the family was torn apart never speaking to each other again. You were wise to have the attorney handle it. Keep records for the very reason you are saying, plus it helps if you need to go back and review something later on medical services.
I too feel like a child when I have gotten pulled over for speeding. I will have to start using cruise control as Joan said. It gets too expensive paying those fines.
I took a Vicodin for my thumb last night, woke up 4 hours later and my head was spinning something fierce. I don't think Vicodin is a good medication for me. I will do without it.

So sorry you all. I actually cut my finger off when I was three and they sewed it back on. Not fun. I guess Careful wasn't very careful right? My mother has lived with me for a year now and I have two siblings who are driving us crazy with their bullying of mom. We bought a foreclosure and are fixing it up so we keep receipts for everything so that we can prove my mom didn't pay for it. My brother was the executor, but he showed his butt during and after my dad died and my mom couldn't trust him anymore. She tried to give me POA and executor and I refused both so the lawyer has taken those duties over. My siblings actually did take things out of my mother's house while they were staying in it for my dad's funeral! She got one of the items back by calling the police on them. I can't believe how greedy people who are supposed to love you can be. I think that they equate love with things or money. It's so good to talk to people on here who understand. I have had three speeding tickets in the past. I always feel like a little kid getting reprimanded. :(

(((((( sharyn)))) ouch!!! I think you are right - it could have been worse in several ways. Your son is funny, I am glad your company is good at putting people on modified duty. I expect it will take a while to heal. Take care!

Thanks for the advice. Once i stayed in mother's city in a hotel for a full week trying to straighten out a mess, and it cost me a bit, but I was still working so i didn't mind. I am retired now on less than 1/2 the income I had, and i can see the likelihood of more trips and more expense as time goes on, and mother declines. I am her executor, and if there is money left over once she is gone - and who knows about that - I think it is reasonable that some of my expenses be reimbursed. My daughter is a CA and keeps telling me I am entitled to get reimbursement. My sister is well set up financially, but wants more - according to her son she wants all of what mother leaves behind - her portion plus mine. Her sense of entitlement to this floors me. Until recently, she came (from Scotland) annually to visit mother, stayed with her and basically had a free holiday. Latterly, mother would get upset and call me and want my sister to come and stay with me as they were not getting along. I stayed with mother occasionally, but could see it became too much for her, so stayed in a hotel, and bought groceries etc for her, and did not accept any money for them. And such is the story we see from so many - the ones that give, and the ones that take, My mother and my sister were very close, they holidayed together (at mother's expense) for years. I was shocked when mother made a trip out west, and told me that she wanted to move west to be closer to me and my family. My sister had always told me that mother would move to be close to her, and I believed that was what would happen, I talked to mother about it and told her that I had thought she would move to be close to my sister. Her answer was "Your sister would not help me." and that is absolutely true. Mother would end up calling me and complaining that my sister and her husband expected mother to pay for holidays they all took together -and mother did pay for more than herself. Both my sister and her husband had good jobs so this was really out of line. I told her it took two and she didn't have to do it, but should tell my sister what she expected sis to pay for - before the holiday - and what she herself was prepared to pay for. Finally she did that, and the holidays together stopped not long after that. So the picture is pretty clear. My sister took her own children to court, and got money from then that they inherited from their aunt. It still appalls me, and I know she would not hesitate to take me to court if she though she could get money from it.
well, that was a big "download"!
I haven't expected any reimbursement for my expenses, but i will keep the appropriate receipts just in case.I need them.

lildeb - i don't think they hand out warning tickets here. I know he was just doing his job. I am feelng better, and anticipate getting out more. Gary is so busy with the horses on the weekends, it is nice for me to get away once in a while,.and visit friends. I am in a different (older) age group than most on here, and you never know how much time you, or some one else has left. I am delighted to be feeling well enough to do the drive again. speeding tickets or not. i guess it is cruise control from now on, music and song!

Lildeb~You are funny!! My son says, "mom they asked for a pound of turkey not finger fries"!!

Emjo, he didn't even give u a warning ticket what a butt head. Well, I guess he is doing his job. sorry you got the ticket.

Sharymarie, is right about making copies for u may never know what or when u may need to fall back on to them. Sharymaries, 6 stitches ouch!!! That meat slicer can do it within seconds too n u were lucky u didn't lose the whole finger. Would u stop trying to feed the meat slicer. I hope u heal soon.

Joan~It is always a good idea to make copies of medical visits with your mother and anything else you think is n ecessary. You never know what you may need them for an d if you anticipate trouble with your sister, you can send her copies.

Ahh Joan~ We talked too much about tickets Nana Andretti!! My day wasn't the best. 1 hour into my shift and I sliced my right thumb open on the meat slicer. 6 stitches. can't use my right arm until after I go back to ER on Monday. I am scheduled off tomorrow, don't know if I will be off on Monday or if the doctor will put me on modified duty. I work for a major chain grocery store in Northern California (Bakery/Deli department) and they are really good about putting people on modified duty instead of disability. Could be worse!!

aaaaaargh, after all your warnings I got a speeding ticket!!!! The up side was he looked and me and said "Your year of birth is 1937?" There was no pic because it was a temporary license as I had to renew it this year and still haven't got the permanent one. I wanted to say, "No, I stole this from a little old lady, and took her car!", but I didn't. I dug out another pic ID and all was well.

Boredom is a big issue with our long drive out too - miles of bush.

Lisa and her family are amazing. Wish I had been that smart so young.

Mother talked to me about an ache in her heart. She thinks it is physical. I am convinced it is emotional. 10 years ago Gordie died, and less than a month later a close male friend of hers, (I hesitate to say boyfriend) died. Having Borderline Personality Disorder, she does not deal with emotions well, and doesn't recognize many of them - except anger. She used the words " an ache in my heart" and I think that is exactly what she has - "heart ache". I don't know that there is anything I can do or say to help her as she denies many of her feelings, any more than I can stop her from going to the ER, and giving them very selective information, so she will get what she wants, which in this case ended up being harmful to her. She is still considered competent, despite the paranoia which is increasing. It is just a one step at a time game. I have decided to start keeping receipts for any trip I make solely on her behalf, as this one was. I have spent thousands of $ on trips to visit her, and to help her, with her moves, and other issues. This trip was strictly over her health. I don't know if I will ever take any steps to get the money back, but in anticipation of future trouble from my sister, I want to have some records. Any comments would be welcome. Is this reasonable?

Emjo, you r too funny. I done the same thing on my way back from Florida to GA n I wouldn't know what to do without cruise control. I remember my leg cramping the mess out of me yrs ago when we didn't have all this fancy stuff.We have just gotten so spoiled n I love it. ; )

Joan~I admit I don't use cruise control. I have gotten smarter by slowing when I see cars approaching with head lights on or any car that looks like it could be a hwy. patrol. When I drive to Idaho to visit my daughter it is harder because the state of Oregon has a 55 mph speed limit. I will try to get behind another vehicle that is going around 65 mph and just follow them. It can be a boring drive once you leave California as it is all desert scenery through Nevada, Southern Oregon, and into South East Idaho. I sing also, once I get to the Jordan Valley area there is no radio or cell phone service so I play CD's for that hour and a half. It's a 9 hour drive and better if my hubby goes so we can share driving.
I started reading Lisa's thread, will take a few days to read all the way through. A courageous journey for a beautiful family.

thanks lildeb - I do use cruise control quite a bit :) and usually only speed when there are few cars around - we have very long stretches of highway that run through the bush - it is 2 hrs drive to the next small piece of civilization

Emjo, be cautious speedy gonzalous for I saw on the way back from my trip a few cops n they were not in a car. I barely notice until my radar went off n I finally spotted one in a Durango looking vechile. Sneaky little bubble gum po-po men. sneaky, sneaky.... Be careful with the speeding too.

another andretti!!! I am not alone!!!!
I haven't had a speeding ticket for a while - I speed very carefully. My youngest got a few tickets and said "Mum, you speed, how come you don't get tickets?" I ,told him"I speed carefully - when I am on the highway i watch the road for cop cars or ghost cars, and slow down when i see them, or follow another car that is speeding so they get the ticket." It seems to work, never had to go to traffic school. In our city lots of people speed on the highway going through, so you have a good chance at getting away with it. I have cut and am pasting below what I wrote on Lisa's thread. I could give lessons in online dating...
cat asked me to tell her what my secret was LOL so it is mainly adressed to her.
Heavens, you have to have some fun in this life, even in the midst of the dysFUNction!
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- cat I wish I knew - I would bottle it and be a millionaire. When I was young i did't have a clue
actually it is all part of me, after 15 years on my own after marriage breakup and not even having a coffee with anyone in all that time, deciding that I wanted to get back into the game. That was about 5 yrs ago. My daughter looked at me one day and said "Mum, you have a bod, you should show it off more... and it was all downhill from there. She coached me a little on dressing differently - narrow leg jeans and camis and all that, I did some heavy thinking about how to be a hot grandma, but still keep my boundaries in the place that I want them, if you get my drift, and voila - it worked. You wouldn't believe the action that started coming my way. I had more attention at 70, that I had at 25. I went on dating sites, got two proposals (marriage and lots of the other kind, not that they got anywhere, but attention is nice) and after weeding through a bunch, I found Gary.

Cat, it is all in the head, the attitude, and you have to like yourself, and believe in yourself, and BE yourself. The youngest was 23, and in town, and he really pursued me. Nice young man. I told him to find someone his own age, marry her and have some babies.,,

by the way - part of being yourself is recognizing your boundaries - with guys, with your parents, your job, whatever - like what you are doing in placing your dad and looking after you and your husband - It is the right thing, cat, every bit as much as it was the right thing for lisa to get the DQ (Drama Queen) out of the house. even though the circumstances are very different
caregiving is a place you can lose yourself, and lots on here are struggling with that - finding yourself starts with honesty, and accepting yourself, your strengths and also your limitations, and loving yourself, and, when you do, it spills over to others and gives life -
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Sharyn - Lisa's thread is the "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore." and Lisa and her family have made some serious changes and come through it with flying colours - if you look at my wall you will see links to it -she is now under the name Survived2. The whole thread is a long read but worth while, and a real lesson how things can change for the better. Unfortunately her parentg in law, who are sweet, are now facing some illnesses, but the family is pulling together.
It seems we don't get much of a breather sometimes.

Had a decent lunch with mother, learning pretty well - for short periods of time - to tune out the bitching and complaints, and bring up subjects she likes talking about which I find interesting, so lunch was OK. If even 50% of the conversation is half decent, i call it good. She did say I looked nice which she has done a few times in the past few years, and I appreciate it after all the years of sniping.

Do you ever use cruise control?

Lisa, you are one that gives life in a major way - all the " kick-ass" girls do. - that's what makes us "kick-ass"!!!!

Joan~I am known as lead foot when it comes to driving. Actually I have been very good the last couple years because I was averaging 1 speeding ticket about every 18 months. I went to traffic school 3 times, heehee!! My last ticket was in November 2009 and I could not go to traffic school that time because not enough time had passed since the last time I went. I have learned to slow down, it is hard because it is not my nature to go slow. I like to find the humor in it even as I learned a hard lesson ($$$). I don't know about Lisa's thread or the history you wrote about, however, I am glad that the situation is calming down and you will be able to relax and enjoy yourself before heading home. Take care and drive safely♥

ooops -hit the wrong button and I do know how to spell your name margeaux! :)

what her doc doesn't realize is that she has loose stools all the time, but worries about emptying her bowel enough so that is what she talks about to him and the hospital. I tried to clue him in, and I need to say this any time she goes into hospital, I can't be with her all the time, so I can only do what I can do.
Re your sister, it does sound to me like she is angry/controlling with you so she resists every suggestion you have. Not sure where the caregiver is coming from - it certainly is not appropriate to crank up the AC when there is an older person and a baby in the house, nor is it funny. Your sister's controlling behaviour spills over to your relationship with your niece. I don't know if there is a "win" in there as it seems you are set up to lose all the time. If you feel you need to mention it to your niece, I sure don't see anythinhg wrong with that, but be aware that your sis may hold it against you. - and nothing you can do about that.
Hope you have a good day (((((((hugs)))))))

Hi matgeuas - misic does help when driving and i have been known to sing too. I think mother knows that i care for her, but it doesn't stop her from lashing out when she feels she needs to - that is the borderline personality disorder. She was very pleased I had come down and kept telling the doctor and the cabbie that she was only going to the doctor again because I wanted to see him about her. They do cry woilf and it makes it harder to know what to do, on the other hand boiwel problems are common in the elderly, and can be a serious condition. If mother;s ehart etc was not so good, I think this past month of too many laxatives could hjave finished her off. Her doc said - we must keep her bowels moving - whar he doesn;t realise is tha

The other day when I was at my mom's house, it has been very hot here where we live, I know it's been hot many parts of the county, also. On Sunday when I arrived at mom's, my sister had been cooking in the kitchen. The kitchen is adjacent to the living room, where mom spends a lot of time watching t.v. There was not even a cracked window in that area, and it was very hot in there. But mom was on the couch wearing a little flannel sweater, covered up w/a light blanket. I suggested to my sister that we open a window, just to allow the steam from the cooking out and some fresh air in. I was discouraged from doing this, since my sister claims that mom complains about open windows, because she gets cold. I thought this to be on the bizarre side, given the heat. Anyway, my sister just turned on one of those stand fans, which just circulated hot air in that area, didn't really help.

So Monday morning, my sister and me left to run errands, left the caregiver w/mom and my niece's 8 mos. old baby. When we returned the air-conditioner was turned up very high, yes they do have AC in that house, I forgot to mention. It felt like a refrigerator in that house. I couldn't believe the caregiver would crank up the AC so high, given what I explained about mom's sensitivity, and having a baby also there in her care. I did make mention about this in front of my sister, and the caregiver. The caregiver seemed to find my comment about it feeling like a refrigerator quite funny! Well I didn't. But, I noticed that my sister didn't say a thing to the caregiver, just went over to the thermostat, and turned it down. This made me feel very uncomfortable, and didn't make a lick of sense to me, especially behavior by sis, given how she kind of protested Sunday evening about not opening up windows. What does anyone make of this? Oh, and I feel like I need to tell my niece, the baby's mother. But I find that many times when I say anything to my sister, if it's about safety, or anything w/respect to mother,
I seem to always get this resistance from her. O.K., I was just wondering how my friends here might weigh in on this one. Love & hugs to all, Margeaux

Emjo, I'd written a bit about the narcissistic aunt about her constipation.
Then somehow something got left out. Her caregiver, the one who was doing night watch decided to give her a supository, if you can believe that all on her own. Very bad decision, on a lot of levels, as you might imagine.
So, I guess sometimes while our elderly complain about whether they are having issues one way or another then someone decides to give them something thats making things worse, it's good that there's other people looking out for them.
We came to know all too well, about our aunt's need to exaggerate, many times lie about things. The unfortunate thing about that was that sometimes we thought she was crying wolf. Hopefully, on this end your mom may realize how valuable you are to her, and that you do care enough about her. Margeaux

Emjo, good to hear that your mom's situation has eased up. It was good for you, that you have the medical POA, also, because if you didn't we pretty much know what that might turn into.

Oh, I just loved reading about the road adventures too. Never underestimate the power of a hot woman! Goes to show you that you are beautiful inside and out.

Taking the long drive, I too have quite a drive in lots of traffic, I live in a big city,
and I have to psych myself up for them all of the time. You know what helps me when I do those, I sing in my car, the radio helps too.

What on earth was this doctor thinking prescribing laxatives.
Right before my aunt passed she was having constipation problems. Well hopefully now they have realized this, and it wont happen again.

Be safe on your return home, and my thoughts are with you and your mom.
Love & big bear hugs! Margeaux

Kim thanks for the word of caution – you are absolutely right, the wind could blow in the other direction any moment and probably will –I know I have opened myself up to being sliced, and that will probably happen – the nature of the beast, Her paranoia is increasing – now my niece has altered mother’s computer so my cousin can get information from it, and the director of the ALF has conspired to have a cheque stolen– yeah right! The funny part is that I think she likes the idea that she is so important that people would do this to her. Castles in the sky - Strange how that mind works.
Sharyn – it has been happening for a few years now – - not what is on the head so much as what is in the head - I wrote a little history on lisa’s thread. Mother keeps lots of Ensure around as when her stomach is bad, ensure seems to work. Planning to meet my friend and have ribs for supper.:) Life can’t be all bad when you can have the juiciest ribs in town.
Austin – you are a proper lady! Tempest in a tea cup – right on! I think I have heard it somewhere.
You gotta find some fun in all this somewhere! Savor the moment. Anyone remember “put the pedal to the metal” and all that –my theme song lol
Have a great weekend everyone -be good to yourself

Joan great to hear you made the trip safly and are getting things straighten out with Mom. My granddaughter tells me I drive like a little old lady and added that I am an little old lady-my grandson tells me I am an old lady but that is ok because I am a grandmother and they are suppose to be old. I like you saying a storm in a teacup-I say tempest in a tea cup and people look at me funny-I do not know where I picked that one up -maybe a movie or a book. Have a good trip back on Sat you will be in our thoughts.

Joan~Nana Andretti, that is Funny Stuff!! Didn't you say in an earlier post that you are wearing your hair different...the men are noticing, as Kimbee said "Hot Grandma!!
I am happy your mother is going to be ok and maybe get her some Ensure to drink to boost her calories and vitamin intake. Have a nice lunch tomorrow and enjoy your visit with your friend.

NANA!! really? Please be careful there hot grandma! Glad things went ok w mom; do keep your guard at the ready, just in case. W that senna gone, she may get over her meek moment in a hurry!

I just wrote a bunch and lost it so will try again. I am tired but it has been worth while.

Take one slow 80 yr old doc who isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and a a 100 yr old woman with borderline personality disorder and increasing paranoia, mix in a hospital who doesn't take the time to ask all the needed questions of the old woman, a new record keeping system so the doc couldn't find stuff, add in a pinch of salt, and you end up with a bit of a mess. Still don't know why the hospital gave her laxatives, The problematic laxative has been stopped, and she is feeling better. The doc tended to tell her being tired and weak was normal for her age,(I am sure her present condition is due to too many laxatives) so I picked up on that, and redirected the conversation to her working to strengthen herself, so he told her to start a regular gentle exercise program. That pleased her, and she feels now she has something to work on, and feels that she can improve. By no means is she on her way out. On the other hand when I asked for a general run down on her condition, he said (according to the hospital tests) her liver is not great (she didn't hear this and does not know it) , but her other organs are. No evidence that her heart is bad, nor that her stomach is "finished", but he said it is getting old. Well, at 100, I guess!!! Tomorrow I will take her out for lunch at her favourite spot. I had to listen to the litany of woes, and "somebody done me wrong" songs when we sat for 2 hrs in the waiting room, but that could have been worse.
There were a few bright spots in the day - She has a regular cabbie who is an angel. He looks after her so well - and waited in the parking lot of the medicenter as we were late, and didn't charge. He helps her in and out of the cab up the curbs, watched that she gets into the building etc, Amazing! My waitress in the dining room tonight was a nice young thing who asked me information about my food allergies, so i gave her a mini biology lesson( I can't resist), wrote a few things down and she wanted to keep the paper to study it. Sweet! The waitress at breakfast thought I was in my mid 50s. And lastly, but not leastly, a young musician type guy, from the west coast, (there is a festival in town these days) covered with tattooes, tried to pick me up in the hotel dining room. He eyed every female in the room, and then started a converstation with me. I truly don't get it, and wonder when this kind of thing will stop happening. I so wanted to tell him I was old enough to be his grandmother, which I suspect he could see, but apparently didn't care.

What I have learned from all of this is that I need more information from the hospital when mother is admitted, and also what they are prescribing and why. Mother takes things out of context - she may have diarrhea for a few day, then no bm for a couple of days, because she is emptied out, and go to hospital and tell them that her problem is that she has had no bms. So of course they give her laxatives. I think that is what happened. I cannot entirely protect her from herself, but I will try to get more info any time she goes into hospital.

Looking forward to going home. My shoulder was sore from driving, but one advil and some rest later is better. Think I will take a preventative NSAID before I start the drive back Saturday. Hope I have the energy to visit with a friend tomorrow night.
Your wishes and prayers have meant so much. I think my storm in a tea cup is over for now. I made the drive and survived ( haven't done it n couple of years). Don't tell anyone, but I do speed. My kids call me Nana Andretti.;)

How is everyone else doing? .

Love to you Joan and best wishes with the doc appointment. Drive very careful coming home. Hugs, Cattails

Joan~so happy the situation is not as serious as first thought. My thoughts will continue to be with you!

Thanks all - made it here safely - diner coffee helped. Mother is starting to feel better as she has stopped one of the laxatives, so our first trip tomorrow will be to her doctors clininc. Today the receptionist told me mother's doc was not feeling well and may not be in tomorrow, but another doc would see us, and can go through test results with me, and answer questions I have about the use of laxatives, so I find out what is going on.That might be my second opinion right there. I won't tell mother that her doc may not be there - as she may not want to go. I emailed the lawyer and I can act as mother's agent in financial, personal and medical matters, if she cannot do it herself, so I am on safe ground there, particularly since she wants my help now - otherwise it would be a battle, which i don't want, I could feel your prayers and wishes with me all the way down - very special - and thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥