The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yup, OK, you asked, "How am I doing today?" Hey, things are looking up. I approached mom about getting her behind off the couch and going to an adult day care center. I told her she needs to get out and socialize, do activites, etc. She misunderstood exactly what I meant, but it's going to work anyways. I mean freaky good. She knew about the exact group I was suggesting, but took it to mean that she should go back as a voluntee. I'm not sure how she made the transition from the one of attending adult day care to volunteening, but she did. She is capable if she wants to. That just lit her right up. The happiness returned. I just hope they will accept her back into doing what she was doing as a volunteer. Can it get much better than thinking you are going to have a struggle convincing her to go to a day care center to finding you are getting her back in harness as a volunteer? There was a misunderstanding here, but it worked!

Jam said: "no divorce but lots of other dynamics to cause turmoil."
What? That's NOT normal? Really? I must come from a dysfunctional outfit too. Geez. :)

Lovely poems magnum.A lot of my poems also deal with life as well as different types of loss.We should start a creative writing group for Caregivers on this site.Members could add poems,essays or even short stories based on their life experiences.

Soverytired, sounds like you have made a lot of progress via your hard work in therapy. I can so relate with mom's feelings being the only important ones. I learned to swallow mine at a very young age. You do have a lot to grieve over and that is part of the process.

Dysfunctional family units want us to believe their normal is a healthy normal when in reality it is not.

I know what you mean about having to build an outside family to replace your family of origin. Doing so, although not always with the best choices, in my last two years of high school helped me survive and begin my escape. Eventually, I left home and thought I was free, but no I was carrying the baggage and its impact right a long with me. I've spent years in therapy getting where I am today and for that I'm glad.

Using the I statements helps on the journey out of the victim mode. Sometimes, like in my own case, after one has gotten in touch with those raw feelings of hurt, etc. write the person (mom, sister or whoever) a letter, read it aloud to like a therapist, burn it in a fire proof container, and then throw the ashes to the wind with possibly some words or a prayer of releasing that stuff. Below is a poem that I wrote about dysfunctional families that I hope will help you on your journey.

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

Years of being in therapy.
can set one free.
Once one has seen the light
one can't claim ignorance in the fight

The choices now made,
can't be blamed on past decisions that others made,

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

One can say “the end” and chose to be free.
However, often such freedom from the dark side takes years of hard work in therapy.

To excuse the lack of personal responsibility
is to keep oneself inflicted by one's dysfunctional family.

To empower oneself,
one must stop giving power to the old self

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

Stop waiting for others to repent,
for that's wasting energy that can be better spent.

To still wallow in the pain,
is only empowering it,
and holding on to it
which produces no gain.

It's time for many to say “the ending”,
and now “the beginning”.

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and

Barnacles and the Tragedies of Life

Barnacles are like the tragedies of life.
On a wooden ship they destroy its life.
Those who run into them are diced.
Barnacles can shipwreck your or another’s life.

Ever hear that hurt people, hurt people too?
How can this not be true of me and you.

Difficult to do in the middle and after a painful crisis.
Refuse to feel the pain and anger of being diced.
End up numb and dumb just like ice.

To forever nurse the pain,
Leads to never being free to love again.

We cannot chose to be or not to be hurt by the barnacle like tragedies and people in life.
However, we can chose not to let those experiences make us like a barnacle in another’s life.

To be or not to be a barnacle is the question for tonight.
To feel hurt and anger, but sin not is a difficult fight.

However, it is the biblical way to a better day.
Yet holding on to it and nursing it digs a dark and dreary day.

People, we do this as if it will somehow accomplish something.
But honestly, that choice accomplishes nothing.

Yes, cmagnum, learning to use "I statements" - and experiencing the actual emotions and feelings behind the "I statement" is a new experience after growing up in a dysfunctional family where the only feelings were mom's feelings (and, oldest sis). Tilda, I can relate, as I have lost the "relationships" I thought I had with my sisters through the stress and challenges of mom's aging. I am grateful that the situation has given me a chance to work on myself (I am in therapy to deal) but I have a lot of grief over it. It's weird isn't it? Sometimes in a dysfunctional closed family unit, you think you're all so close and then you find out there really wasn't much authentic there after all. The family bonds are really all about the family roles and myths. So I suppose I'm grieving for relationships I never really had at all. I am hanging in trying to keep a relationship of sorts with my mother, due to her age. I mean there is no point in trying to straighten anything out with her at this point and I just don't think she's capable of it. Sometimes you just have to build yourself a family outside of your family of origin. Jessebelle, I like your comebacks! You must have learned to turn off the victim mode, which I'm trying to do, so it's very helpful!

It sure has been a quiet afternoon and night. I hope everyone is doing alright. Prayer, hugs and love to all

TILDA, very often a parent(s) with a narcissistic personality raise people who have a borderline personality disorder which has a very strong narcissistic streak in it. It sounds like you were the resilient child who survived your environment, but your brothers did not survive.

It sounds like your daughter's are breaking some 'family' chains in their own lives which is great. Congratulations!

It sounds like you have made some much needed detachment with love in order to survive which is great. With some people and with some family members about all the relationship that we realistically can have is that we are fellow human beings, but beyond that their drama and accompanying emotional blackmail is too abusive for real human intimacy as friends.

My wife and I have had to work on breaking some family chains from our family of origins which turned out to be very similar. With the progress that we have made, we feel very much closer to each other which is so important in these empty nest years.

I was about to "unsubscribe" for my mamma passed in July and I am no longer actively a caregiver...however....while scrolling down the heading of this topis caught my emotional eye...and I had to read on...So glad I did. So much of what has been said fits...a bit too well. "Notlikemom" comments hit home..and touched all four bases and then some.

I feel as if I entered the "Twilight Zone" as soon as mamma died. She was a narcissist who was finally diagnosed and given the right meds in the last years of her life. Up till then, life with her was a downhill roller coaster ride...with me under the cars. Seemed like both my brothers got to sit in the cars while I was left with the dirty work of cleaning up and dealing with my mom all throughout. Younger brother who reaped the financial benefits bailed as soon as my mom was old enough to need help and unable to babysit...and older brother came along at the end to supervise and control her money and assets...again...to take...and judge and control...not to be a team member...not to help..

Now that mamma is gone, and all that is left is to clean up the mess...of paperwork and property...my brothers and their wives are waiting with hands out to see what it in it for them...and I feel alone in my grief and alone in my memories of wasted childhood and youth...caring for mamma and my brothers. Now that I need help, and I need compassion and I need support...they are not only no where to be found...but have become vicious with me and verbally aggressive for it seems they fear I will somehow need them...or ask a favor...so they set up arguments and insults....so that I know where I stand.

Family died the day my mamma died...for when a Narcisist raises children who do not auto correct their learned dysfunciton.....the cylce continues. I have chosen to correct what I thought was unhealthy and took responsibility for my relationship conflicts. When my husband abadoned me...he also was cut from the same cloth as my mom....for we attract what is familiar....I finally started inventory of my own issues and started to self adjust. Fortunately for my two daughters and for myself. we have healthy communication based on honesty coming from love....They also are working at their marriages to carry on the work I started. It is not simple, for they married men that were similar to their father....and it is work...to love those that do not love themselves.....but I can see that my efforts were not in vain...for my childrens sake....

However, I am heartbroken in the loss of my brothers...and am working at healing that betrayal. I must learn to accept them and their wives as they are....a work in progress...perhaps a work in disrepair with no contractor on cite....and no bluprints to work with....All I can do is draw a line in the sand where they can not cross and remind myself...as I did with mamma...that I need to forgive them for they know not what they do.....and therefore...love myself enough to keep a safe distance. I felt it my duty to care for my mom, regardless of her abusive ways...that is not the case with my brothers.

I have changed my health care proxy, changed my will and I will change my definition of family....They have become relatives....who I may love but not like. I love our history together, I love what I know can be good in them...but will not wait for their love in return. I let go of that bond...and just love them as children of the universe....As Mother Theresa once said..."I see my Lord in all His distressing disguises..." I consider people with personality disorders...such as Narcissism one of those...

I will be following ...and am grateful for this chance to "vent" air out my feelings...in the hope that my lessons and my pains....give clarity to someone else...just as what you all have written has helped me...and I thank you.

Soverytired, I know exactly what you're saying. So much of what people say feels like "if you were not so faulty, it would be easier for you." The ways that things are expressed makes a big difference. A suggestion like "you ought to get out more" makes me feel defensive because of the way it feels. I've also never figured out why the people assume I don't get out, since getting out is not a problem around here.

The other things you mentioned, soverytired, have the same feel. They are actually critical statements. People who say them may think they're offering good advice, but there is the second edge to that knife. I guess we should have some ready comebacks. Let's see:

Statement: You ought to get out more.
Response: You're right! Let's go see that new Brad Pitt movie. (Gorgeous man!)

Statement: You need to learn to relax.
Response: If I was any more relaxed, I'd be asleep.

Statement: You need to stop worrying so much.
Hmm, this one is a toughie, especially for worry warts like myself. Oh, I got it!
Response: But then what would I do? I know! Let's go see that new Brad Pitt movie.

I guess we could have fun with dreaming up our positive comebacks.

Also, when we use ought to, should have, and would have in speaking about ourselves is doing so in a passive voice of obligation compared to I will, I can, I shall, I will not, I cannot, I shall not which is an active voice of choice. Growing up in dysfunctional families teaches us to not speak in our own active voice of "I". Dysfunctional families are all about you doing for me because I'm all that matters and "if mamma is not happy, then no one can be happy" and this gets enforced by emotional blackmail using fear of making them angry or sad, feeling obligated to martyr ourselves for them, and guilt for ever having any ideas, feelings or life of our own separate from them and their drama. What makes this dance even worse is the hope that maybe if I do all of this, then I will finally have, in many cases, the mom I never had growing up. That is also a passive position which gives all of the power for how we feel, for our own sense of validation to someone who in many cases has a personality disorder like narcissism or borderline, etc. and thus, they keep hoovering us into their drama.

JesseBelle, I've heard the "You ought to get out more" comment, too. To me, it sounds judgemental. Like, oh if you just got out more or if you just learned to relax or if you just didn't worry so much.... life would be a dream. Actually, just about anything that starts out with "You ought to", is pretty non validating.

Morning all – going to try to catch up here. My good arm gets into trouble sometimes from overuse, so I have to give it a rest.
frannie - I hope you are making progress in improving your situation
thanks austin – I bought a sports type compression sleeve and it is helping along with heat and rest and the odd anti-inflammatory – glad you can get out to activities. It is so cold here in the winter and I just retired last year, I often have the luxury of staying in when it is cold. I am so glad you learned to stand up for yourself with your husband. Unfortunately, when we have grown up in a dysfunctional family, we often learn to put up with whatever bad behaviour comes our way, and keep our mouths shut, and think we have to live that way. I am still learning to speak up though my sig other is the easiest person to talk to.
Izabella, I am so glad you got as mum-free day. You know you don’t have to listen to your mum go on like that without telling her how you feel. A few times I told my mother I didn’t want to hear about “It” (whatever it is in your life) any more - that she had told me many times and that it wasn’t doing our relationship any good. In your case, you could well tell your mum that you have a more serious health condition than your sister –and where would she be without you and all you do for her, and you have heard it before many times. When you suppress those screams about what you do every day for her, you are putting stress on yourself. There is nothing wrong with telling her – calmly is best – how you feel. I think she needs to hear it. She can’t read your mind. Now to warn you a narcissist may dissolve into tears, which is simply a move to manipulate you to feeling sorry for her and fussing over her. Don’t do it. Talk to her calmly - every time you give her attention for tears etc. it reinforces her to do it again. If you walk away and do something else until she calms down, eventually she may learn that the guilt tripping isn’t working. There is no doubt that the stress is hard on your health and only you can make changes. Emotional detachment, as Jessie suggested, is an option. It means learning about narcissism, and how to deal with it, and getting to the state when their emotions and words etc. don’t drag you down. I can now laugh at things that would have upset me before. Can you tell me why you think it is impossible to get out emotionally and why your parent would not survive without you? You might be surprised. . Is assisted living or a nursing home or a group home not an option? And you driving your sister around too??? Just because mum expects it you do not have to do it! My mother expects lots of things from me I have to say no to. Your sister is responsible for her own transportation – you aren’t. Saying “No” is setting a boundary for your own protection. You are right - making peace for others and getting stressed yourself in not a good answer. Your happiness does matter, Izabella
Jessie - my sister is the golden girl who can do no wrong, and who mother "feels" she owes money, though she doesn’t help. I asked her about the money once and she said "Your sister sends me sweaters." This is true - about once a year or less. I pointed out that I was driving over 500 miles round trip to visit her, every few months (can't do that any more), drove her around the city, stayed in a hotel, bought food and meals and other things when I was there and that this all cost me a lot more money than a few sweaters. Made me feel better. This seems to be a pattern in dysfun fams. Good crack about the heat! ;) They say anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. At one point I really felt the stress was going to kill me if I didn’t change things – so I changed myself.
Going to post this and continue later.
Have a good day!
jo

Uninvolved family members do have their favorite sayings. One of my favorite is "Let me know if you need any help." They probably would help if I need it, but what I really hear is that they are making themselves feel better by not calling or visiting the parents. Another thing I hear a lot is "You ought to get out more." Really, I do get out a lot, but it is never with the people who say that. Wouldn't it be nice to hear "I'll be there tomorrow and we can all go to lunch."

One brother told me that he was glad I was here so he didn't have to worry. They do mean well, but they are just so busy with their own lives... and the parents aren't much fun to be around.

Cantcare2much.. when I read your post before the last one.. I felt like you were reading my mind.. I do hope God sees all we do..but often I will admit I do question that.. especially when it has been an "extra" hard day and the next day is even harder!... Just every now and then I wonder what it would feel like to have one of my sister's ask me "are you ok?" or "do you need a break?" .. I dont know how such selfish people live with themselves.. But yes.. at least we can feel good knowing we are truly making a difference in the life of our loved ones.. even during those days we feel completely insane!!!!!

Thank you, Jonathnin! I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. I have nothing to feel sorry about. I know that in God's eyes, I am the only one I have to answer to when He comes. I do feel good about what I do each day. It makes me feel good to be able to help...even though I do get burned-out at times, just like so many people here. Thanks for your kind words!

Cantcare2much, A lot of people feel that way as they take care of mom or dad as their siblings maintain plausible deniability that we need anything from them. It's not something we can change, from the "Lead a horse to water" school of thought. Know that when you do the right thing the right way for the right reason, there are benefits that the plausible deniability crowd won't receive. Good Luck. God Bless You.

How am I doing? I'm always tired...always sad & depressed, always distracted, always hoping someone else (other family members) will realize that they too need to help out, always wondering why I was the one chosen to help out EVERYONE (it seems), always thinking "why me"??? I know this sounds like a pity-party, so I guess it is! The other sad thing is that somehow I still think that it is my place to do it ALL! Help! Thanks for listening!
cmag, I call it "hindsight" , and "wisdom." It is that we are more mature,& have more life experiences from which to judge our surroundings...I've also become very cynical! This too, as I see it, comes with age. :-)

still waiting on that dress...i wonder how long she is gonna hold off delivering it cuz she is still ticked about how things are and i am just hurting right now...hoping i do not have to go to the hospital and well i hope things go smooth ....may have to arrange a ride for my daughter on the 7th and still gotta do taxes....

It hurts to see a 100% competent 82 y/o only be cared for by her son and myself (we both work full time jobs). She needs someone with her at night. There are 3 other siblings who refuse to help because we took her out of a LTC facility. It disgusses me to know that she has given them her all and all they want is what little bit the poor soul may leave behind. Wouldn't even spend the holidays with her. So shall ye sew, so shall ye reap.

I learned to swallow my own feelings, to avoid conflict, and focus mainly on the needs of others from a very early age onward. Boundaries for self-defense was not a strength at that time. It was decades before I learned about such boundaries, about emotional blackmail, etc. I'm glad that I did and I am thrilled whenever others do also!

I also ignored my feelings when growing up keep the peace was my motto -also when I got married -it took almost 47 yrs. of marriage to finally learn to speak up for my self-but did do it before the husband died-I decided it was not my job to make him or anyone else happy-your happiness does matter Isabella and I am glad you know that now-your life will be better because of that.

Jessie.. you are right about our choices.. but the problem is we know with out us our parents would not survive so getting out physically or emotionally is not an option.. I think I could let go of this horrible anger I have towards my sisters and just never speak to them again if my mom did not go on and on daily about how they are her daughters and as long as she lives w/me they will always be a part of my life because my mother will never ever let them go.. especially my one sister.. my mom does not drive so she expects me to do for that sister because according to my mom she is sick.. Im at a point where Im tired of being the "good" daughter..the responsible one.. It feels as though I have no feelings.. And you are right when you also said about the possible reason why your brothers do not visit due to your parents personality.. I to have considered that.. but again we do have feelings..but no choice..so why should they have the "choice" if they want to be bothered with them or not.. My mom often says.. she doesnt know what she would do w/out me.. she appreciates me..ect.. but then in the same hr. she shows zero understanding as to why I do not want my sisters forced into my life.. I think these are feelings I have had my whole life.. but always ignored what I felt and just did what needed to be done to have peace and make everyone happy.. Then I got cancer..and after my mastectomy I changed.. I realized my happiness also matters.. And Jessie so does yours!..(I so love your comment about being in "Hell" due to the heat turned up.. Hilarious!!)

It sounds like your mother has you categorized as the responsible one who can keep going no matter what. I know exactly how you feel. My two brothers that are still alive are the golden boys. They can do no wrong, even though they never call or visit. I don't begrudge my brothers, because my parents are not loving people. Who wants to call or visit a place that has no warmth?

Sometimes I wonder what brings us back to these situations that are so miserable. I occasionally wondered if I had been such a bad person and was sent to hell. The heat here is left on high to keep my father warm, so it just might be. :)

I guess we only have two choices: to either get out of the situation physically or get out of it emotionally. I mean, does it really matter if they treat the other children better? It may just be a mindset from years gone by or it may be because they are more familiar with someone they see everyday, so can show us their butt with impunity. :)

Hello everyone.. Well I did get a day of "mom-free"... I got to get out of the house to go for my pre-op testing.. yipee!.. So.. mom spent the day with my sister.. Only to come home and give me the run-down how she feels so sorry for my sister because she does not feel well with her RA.. and since I run on a battery pack after all day at the hospital I got to cook for mom when I brought her home because she had not eaten.. Im am not only so disgusted with my sisters but I am very very hurt by my mom.. Im so tired of the excuses she makes as to why my sisters can not be bothered w her.. and the worst part is she believes them.. I dont want to be felt sorry for by any means.. but what is wrong w these people? I try so hard to let go of the anger and the bitterness but when I hear my mom go on about "poor this one-or that one" I want to scream you see all I do everyday and how I feel and yet you dont say a word to them.. I never thought the day would come when I would wish for my life to consist only of myself..my kids and my husband.. I really feel the only way for me to be healthy mentally is to completely remove myself from this entire family..and that includes my mom... Yet I know I cannot do this.. so I am now getting to the point where I can feel the stress is not helping my health issues.. and yet my hands r tied.. so very fustrating..

emio-I hope you feel better soon. I am ok -the weather has benn good so I can get out to our senior center for activities and lunch. Franny he can be put into a nursing home-you do not deserve to be treated this way-I would tell him unless he calms down you will no longer take care of him-that way it will be his choice -behave or be placed and call social service and tell them he needs care and you can not do it any longer. I kept telling myself I did not deserve to be treated badly with the husband until I believed it myself and it did free me up to start to stand up for myself.

franny - I agree with jessie - it will wear on you, and I believe you need to protect yourself from it
sorry about your dysfunctional family background. I am always amazed how we survive our childhoods. I have found I need to keep boundaries regarding the abusive people - and also detach/distance myself or it is too stressful

(((((hugs)))))) and good luck

Thanks Jessie.I am seriously considering moving out.He doesn't want anyone coming into the home and has told me to get out everytime I bring up the subject of his hygiene.He doesn't want to shower and barely washes up,wears the same clothes for most of the week and is incontinent at times.He has also told me to go f myself,but other times can be sweet.I am tired of having to constantly spray air freshner to mask the odor.He isn't senile so i can't have him commited to a nursing home.

franny, caregivers shouldn't have to put up with any abuse. Sometimes old or sick people are cantankerous, so some things have to be ignored in caring for them. But when there is actual abuse, a caregiver needs to draw the line. If the man is your uncle, you are being very nice to take care of him. I can't imagine him being ungrateful enough to say anything abusive. It will wear on your self esteem terribly. You don't have to put up with it at all. If he doesn't stop, you are well within your rights to tell him to look for someone else to help.

I too come from a very dysfunctional family;divorce,abuse(physical and mental),alcoholism and broken homes.I am now a Caregiver for a very difficult,sometimes nasty elderly uncle who I live with.I now have to face verbal abuse almost every day,and frankly am thinking of leaving.How much abuse are Caregivers supposed to take?

izabella - that is Do not So something - time for bed I think