The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi careful - my daughter's finger tip, just the flesh, not even the bone was nipped off - they stiched it back together without the missing piece so her fingertip is a bit smaller and her nail is somewhat curved under. I still remember the incident with chills. I am general good with crises, blood etc, but when my kids hurt I react very strongly. I was in the delivery room when my first grandchld was born (daughter's son) and I felt faint, and she asked me if it was the blood, and I said "No, it is seeing you in pain" (she had minimal anaesthetic). Nice of your sister to help with the prep for your mum and dad. I understand about the "sad" at not being able to trust your sister. Mine likes to make trouble behind the scenes so I have to keep distance.

Speaking of having no feelings towards someone, sharyn and margeaux, I would say I am closer to that with my sister. despite all the problems/abuse I have from my mother, once in a very long while a ray of light shines through, and I am grateful for those rays. I think I can remember 2, what I would call healthy, exchanges with my sister, in over 70 years - not much to go on, and many, many, times she has used mother to get at me. There is a visciousness in her, not present in the same way in my mother, though mother is a abusive.
How have we survived?
Margeaux even if you aunt had been evaluated do you think she would have taken what the docs prescribed? Mother is still in control of her own medical care, so it unless she declines to the point she can't, I don't think she would be take anything, though I think there likely are meds that could help her negativity, anger and anxiety.
Hope everyone is having a good day

Cattails,

How is your father doing?

I'm so glad to hear that you had a great day! Also, you're a woman after my own heart if you find joy in doing yard work. I do too! It makes me relax, and get in touch w/nature. Whoah! You must have a big place to mow.

Are you not up for some wedding plans soon with your grand daughter?
O.K., keep us posted. Hugs, Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

You sound as if you are definitely facing some challenges at this time given your mom's recent behavior. Many things you're writing about in that respect are echoes of a not too distant past, (last year) of what our aunt the narcissist put us all through. Since my controlling sister has been the one in charge, even living there w/mom, and our aunt (before her death) she too would tell me of some of the abuse, and lies. My aunt used to do this to the caregivers, my sister and of course me. But my sister was too enmeshed over there with her emotions. I tried to explain to sis, that even if one felt the way they did, as we did w/out aunt, for the horrible manipulation she knew so well. I did try to suggest for us to see whether our aunt could be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Now, I don't know how in China we would have done this, since aunt was pretty much in control of all of her own medical health decisions until the end. She also exhibited tons of paranoia, but since my mom is the one diagnosed with the ALZ, there seemed to be this prevailing attitude, by others that our aunt had it way more mentally together than my mom. Honestly, sometimes I think back, and feel that, had my aunt been evaluated, maybe she too could have been prescribed something for this. But, I don't know, w/her doctors also, they still had her taking up to 12 different pills per day, even when she was in hospice, and it was blatantly obvious she was at the very end.

Oh, and I completely understand when you wrote about not having feelings towards your mother. Heck, I pretty much did this with my mom, even before ALZ. I really feel that possibly we do this as a self preservation tactic. The last couple of years while her narc. sister was still alive, (also in our care), it was always a recurring theme for me at the way in which I viewed my mom, which was, "you've allowed your sister the total despot in the family to do whatever she wanted, w/o putting a stop to it." BOUNDARIES!!!!! So of course, this kind of thing did bumb me out, and does make me look at her w/a certain amount of resentment. But then I look at her, and see what she's lost also w/the ALZ, so then I feel sad, for her. I too have felt, the "not having feelings." Anyway,
I just want you to know, I'm w/ya Sharynmarie.

I was wondering about the driving issue also, am glad you've taken those steps.
Well take good care of that thumb, I wouldn't want to think your hitchhiking finger is out of commission! Big Hugs! Much Love!! Margeaux

I told my mom that your daughter cut her finger off on a folding chair too. She wants to know if they sewed it back on. They sewed mine back on because the nerves were still okay in it. Yuck. We have been in the house with mom for over a year now. My dad came near the beginning part and spent six weeks here before he died. There were wires and wood hanging from the ceiling because we had taken a huge wall out. They weren't dangerous wires. My husband just hadn't dealt with them yet. My dad would look around at all the mess and say "Haven't we got some work to do here?" I laugh now when I think of it. When mom told me she was bringing him here and out of the nursing home I painted all day long in order to get a bedroom ready for him. My husband widened the door to their bathroom so his walker could get through it. Two of my siblings had a cow and tried to say the place wasn't fit. They have champagne taste anyway. My one sister came down with her son and built a ramp for dad and a pen for my mom's cat. So sweet of them to do this. This sister has been supportive, but she still makes excuses for our only brother so I don't completely trust her. Can't and that makes me sad. She likes to work at causing trouble behind the scenes too.

sharyn, I would think if it is stable there is less, if anything, to worry about. we all are a little different, and norms are averages pretty well, I believe. I go for you being above average in many ways!!!!
thank you for prayers on the home front issues - I am feeling buoyed up and at peace. i am still learning and putting my learning into practice, and the chips will fall where they may!
have a great day

Joan~It is my white count that slightly elevated. As I said my doc is not concerned because it has not changed in 5 months. He said that for some people it is normal to be slightly elevated. It does concern me because I am a worrier. I feel well so that is a positive.

Hi all – a little hiatus here to deal with some stuff on the home front. I am realizing more and more that I subserve my needs to those of others, and, of course, it doesn’t work. I was well trained to do this in childhood. Unlearning it is a long process for me. Prayers would be appreciated
sharyn - sorry you bashed your thumb. I am sure that was painful. Thumbs are pretty important. I do think it will be challenging to care for 2 people. Re your mum, time will tell, and I agree you can only deal with it then. My cholesterol was borderline high a few years ago, and I found quickly that I couldn’t take statins, so I asked for Niacin (vet. B3), and 3 of those a day with a baby aspirin do the trick. My blood sugar has been creeping up and was worse for a few years after my son died. Exercise and diet help. I know I should get more exercise. Not sure I understand about the elevated CBC. Is it your WBCs or your RBC’s that are elevated? You got my prayers. It is so frustrating when you know a family member needs treatment, and they won’t go. Glad you have printed out the DMV form, and will send it in yourself if necessary. Hope the closet cleaning and rest of the weekend go well.
careful – sorry to hear about your sister. Dysfunctional families are tiring. I have an unspoken cry in my heart - “leave me alone”. My daughter cut the tip off a finger on a folding chair when she was about 4 – definitely no fun. A fixer upper – lots of work! Mine might almost have qualified for that before I renovated – not quite, but I did major renos. Blether away - that’s what we are here for.
Cat – you sound so happy – makes me happy too. Simple pleasures are often the best. Wonderful that you had a great day. Mother is in a big city - the provincial capital, and we are out in the boondocks at the oil sands plants where there are jobs, so anywhere has more activities. There are only a few small towns in between, though it is a 5 hr. drive, and a lot of bush and some farms. Health care etc. and pretty well everything except jobs, would be much better in Edmonton where mother is. Gary’s work is here so we will stay here until he is ready to semi retire. Then the plan is that we will move south to be between mother, and his parents who live in a small town a little while away. I have a property (was a summer place) and we may build a home to retire to there. He will then take short contracts which could be anywhere. My plan, before I met Gary, was to move to Edmonton, as I have a few friends there. It is a city I know, a good place, and in between my kids. Also it has a better climate than here. Moving closer to mother has its disadvantages, but should work as long as I keep my boundaries intact. Her requests are escalating, so I know she is starting to feel better. I have to tell her I can only handle one at a time – making a photo album of the birthday celebrations is enough for now. She has far greater choices of wools etc. for knitting than we have here. There isn`t much in town, and I have tons of things to do for myself, like taxes which are way overdue.
vhope – sounds like you had an excellent psychiatrist. Mother really listens to her doctor so he may be able to prescribe some appropriate drugs, and explain it so she would take them. Good idea!!!
Beautiful here today, the sun is shining and the temp about 75. Perfect for me.

cattails and vhop00~Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It's Friday and I hope everyone has plans for a wonderful weekend whether it is to stay home and relax or to go out somewhere. (((HUGS))) to everyone!!

HUGS Sharyn. When my mother was at her worst with the accusations, blame, paranoia, we went to see the psychiatrist after a horrible MSE experience for her, and I was worried that the psychiatrist wouldn't see the behavior or that if meds were given, similar to you she might not take it. But I realized that I could ask a question or make a neutral comment and she would exhibit the paranoia/anxious thoughts (she displayed the behavior during the appt.) and then the psychiatrist was great because she empathized with my mom that she worries so much and it was hurting her (she never mentioned paranoia) and it made sense that she was suspicious sometimes because things were changing all the time. The doc explained the medication would help be able to control the worrying, so she would be able to make better decisions and feel better. It worked. Using those empathetic words allowed my mom to take her Depakote and Risperdal. Good luck to you.

Hi Guys:

Sharyn: Thanks for updating me on your mom. Yes, that's a tough situation, but I think you handle as well as anyone can. You are sorry she suffers, but you are able to block out the cruelty of her words. On the other hand, maybe you dealt with it enough growing up to understand she just isn't right. If you will grieve anything, it might just be that you never had the kind of mom that you could have shared your heart with and maybe you've already done some of that. Take care of that thumb and good luck on the closet.

Emjo: How do you feel about moving closer to you mom? It's nice that you and G could make the move together and that he has normal parents. What area are you thinking of. It there enough activity to keep you happy? Good health care, etc. Talking good activity here, not drama?

Careful: Your new house sounds exciting and full of potential. Good for you!! How long have you and mom been there? Your sibs are terrible. Why should you have to appease them and care for mom too. Isn't fair. Glad you have mom on your side.

I had a great day today. It was all mine and I spent it doing yard work and helping my hubby mow (we have two riding mowers and it's a 5 hour job for one person). A day of simple pleasures that made my heart sing.

Love to all, Cattails

Just returned from getting my lab results. Cholesterol is down but not enough so my Dr. is changing my medication. Blood sugar is a bit high, he said it makes me pre-diabetic and need to include exercise in my daily routine. Now the one that concerns me most is the CBC. It has been slightly elevated since February. No change in 5 months but will recheck in 3 months just to be safe. The Dr. said he isn't concerned because there is no change in 5 months plus he said it is normal for 50% of the population to be slightly elevated...meaning it is normal for that population. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts for the next CBC!

He asked about my mother. I told him about her recent episode of accusing my sis and me of plotting her murder. He said she definitely needs to see a psychiatrist for paranoia...she won't go.

I printed out the form form from DMV to report her as unsafe. Sending one copy to my sister, keeping one copy for myself just in case sis stalls on sending it in.

My oldest sister called the other night. I can't believe how she talks to me. My mom got mad at me because I just took it and didn't tell her off. Since mom is living with me and the siblings have accused me of isolating her I am super sensitive to NOT doing just that! I take her to their houses and make sure that she calls them. These people make my butt tired! You guys are so great. I have been to traffic school three times for speeding. I love to speed! I guess I should have said loved because now I drive like the old lady I am. The tickets started to feel like taxes and I hate taxes. Hope that finger heals up good. You'll have to be careful not to repeat that performance. I know when I'm working I get in a certain mode and may not notice something I am doing is dangerous. Poor thing. I feel for you. Cut my finger off in a folding chair when I was four. Not fun. Also, I'm living in a foreclosure house that we are fixing up. I have no floor, no kitchen cabinets and all the windows and doors need replacing. We are making it though, but there is clutter EVERYWHERE! All of this and I took care of my father and now continue to care for my mother. The siblings thought my house wasn't fit. When the home health nurse came I asked her about it and she said,"you have no idea what we see, this place is a palace." I had to laugh. All my worry for nothing. Anyway, enough of my blather. You guys are great! I'm getting redundant though!

Joan~Today is the first day off since Sunday, I bought a guard for my thumb because I smacked it good yesterday at work which caused it to bleed. I am going to buy some paint today for the office/art room but won't be painting until I get a couple days off in a row (don't like going to work with sore muscles). It is amazing how limited you can be with a thumb out of commission. I am still highly motivated and excited to move forward with these projects. My closet is the goal for today.

I am not so sure I am calming accepting the idea of caring for my sister. I see her care as more challenging because of the distance between us. I did not take it that you were implying I didn't care or that you were criticizing me. Mother's recent episode got me thinking about how I feel. Time will tell and I will have to deal with when/if it does happen. On to the closet of clutter, thank you for listening♥!!

((((((((sharyn)))))) thanks, that helps me to understand - you may well be right about a wall and detachment. I suspect I have both. I could always see that you care about your mother's welfare, and hope you don't think i was implying that you don't. I am glad that you have a defense that works against the poison, We need that. I know it is very difficult when your mum won't "own" her problems", That is part of the condition, isn't it? I still shudder internally when I realise that you and I and many others were brought up by a person with a serious mental illness, yet I rejoice that we have come though it to have a decent life - though not without a lot of pain. If mother ever ends up in a nursing home, i suspect that she will be given "mood" meds whether she wants them or not. Other than that she will not take them either. I am still 5 hrs drive away from mother, and after the last session wonder about the need of being closer. G's job is here, and will be for another year or so, then we may be looking at a change, which would bring us closer to both our parents. His parents are on the list for an ALF, and his dad's health is precarious. Thankfully, they are very nice normal people. I gather that you will have the job of caring for your sis too, as her health declines. That is an awful lot on your shoulders. I admire how you accept these roles, so calmly.

((((cat)))) scrambled brains - me too sometimes - the family stuff is not easy. Hope things will look up for you now, and you and your husband will do the things that have been put on the back burner, and that your dad continues to settle in well.

mother's latest is that she wants to knit to fill the time as she is less physically active than she was. This is a good idea, I think. This last session with the laxatives has made her milder, though no less critical, just less vehement about it. I suspect her energy will return, at least to a degree. So now I am hunting out knitting needles etc that I haven't used in years. She was an excellent seamstress and knitter years ago, and wants to make brightly coloured mittens! Nice to see something positive.

sharyn you were all "hepped up" about decluttering - have you made any more progress? It does help to chat about it I find.:)
love and hugs♥♥♥

Joan~I do have compassion and empathy for her having Alzheimer's. I care about her quality of life. When the poison flows from her mouth, I don't get angry, hurt or sad anymore. It's like that person is no long my mother (even though she has always been vicious). I don't know if I have detached enough where her personality disorder doesn't affect me or if I have built a wall that deflects her words. Maybe both. Cattails~My mother has always been vicious and nasty. My sister lives 45 min. away but her health is not the best. She has low blood pressure which limits her abilities. My mother lives alone, refuses to see a neurologist for a diagnosis because she knows the procedure from when my dad had Alzheimer's. Her paranoid personality disorder has gotten worse because of the Alzheimer's. She doesn't understand the written or spoken word in a rational manner. I live about 7 minutes from her so I am the one to takes care of all her medical needs where my sister takes care of the paperwork such as balancing her check book, etc. Yes, I transferred to the town I live in so I could be local (job) and reduce stress of commuting, being closer for medical needs.
I think medication would help my mother with her anxiety but getting to a doctor for that particular issue is difficult because 5 minutes after she accuses us, she denies she said it. In addition to that, when she is lucid, she knows what the medication is for and won't take it because she doesn't think she has a problem.

Sharyn: I don't remember; where is your mom living, in her home or a facility. Sorry she's the way she is. Was she always like this? My mind is a bit scrambled right now due to placing my dad....it was scrambled when he was here too, but is your sis moving away and you changed offices with your job so you could be closer to help mom. Would you refresh my memory?

Thanks for your patience. Hugs, Cattails

((((((((((((((sharyn))))))))))) it does sound like the confusion and paranoia is escalating. re the feelings, I guess you will have to wait and see. I do have feelings for my mother - some are negative, but not all of them. I do care for my mother, but cannot afford to get too close, as she can lash, and her negativity drags me down. We just have to walk along the road in front of us and deal with things as they come up, I guess. I think it surprises me that you say you have no feelings towards your mother (not a criticism at all) as I don't percieve you as an unfeeling persn - quite the opposite.

My mother's confusion is progressing. When I talk with her on the phone, she thinks I am my sister. Mother received letters from businesses regarding privacy act. She called my sister accusing us of trying to "KILL" her. She told my sis we were in a conspiracy with these businesses and we (sis and me) were trying to have her murdered. My sis gets more upset about this than I do. Joan~you mentioned a while back about dealing with feelings as they surface. I honestly don't feel much when it comes to my mother. Maybe when she passes, I will need some therapy for feelings that surface then.

margeaux, ur welcome - it is the old codependency stuff. That applies to your sister and her boo hoos too. You do not have to become her sounding board -your choice. Mother does the 180 degree turn sometimes too. It can get frustrating.
How awful to have that mess left in your living room. I had renovations going on in my house for several years and it is very stressful. There are still small things to be done, that the guys didn't finish and I am going to have to hire someone to do them. G has the skills but not the time.
Sounds like you have a plan, sharyn. I can't even tackle one room yet, so It is one item at a time. I am aching today from yesterday's work. I hauled a leatherette chair that needs to go, out onto the front deck. Doesn't look great but it is the only way G will remember to take it to the thrift shop, and it will be gone soon. My living room breathes better now.
I have 2 bedrooms full of boxes etc. - about 1/3 is still mother's stuff and 2/3 G's. I am giving most of the family things away She went from a large two bedroom apartment to a small one room in an ALF, then 6 months later moved to another ALF into a two bedroom place, and bought all new stuff, and had sometimes asked for some of her old stuff back, But then she would change her mind. She doesn't seem to realize that I am 74, and can't do it myself, and Gary is too busy already with his job and the horses, though he has helped a lot. We have given and thrown away many of the big things. So when she goes, I will have another 2 bedroom apartment worth of furniture to deal with. It is nice stuff but you can only use so much, and we need to downsize! My sister takes the nice things that she wants and doesn't lift a finger! In fact, she left a box there for me to mail to her!!! aaaargh!
sharyn, glad your office/art room is getting done. I have cleaned out and designated a basement room for G's stuff, but it is not going down there, until it has been sorted and we have shelves up for storage.

Joan~The city provides the dumpster once a year. They are not very big and there are restrictions of what you can place in them. Clothing I give to Goodwill or some other non profit org. You have got me energized for the job now. Amazing how talking about it gets us motivated.

HI sharyn - I wish I could get a free dumpster. A few years ago my daughter and her hub came over and cleared much out of the basement - some was stuff the kids had left behind. I paid for the dumpster and it was well worth it. Right now G has a large motorhome in the driveway, so no room for a dumpster. Finally I am rid of the kids stuff, but G morre than makes up for them. I am getting energy back due to the new meds, so feel more able to tackle decluttering - even if it is one box or bag at a time. I did clean out the top drawer of a small chest that was full of sewing stuff, batteries etc etc. I figure if I can do that, I can do anything, It was a mess!

Margeaux~Like you Margeaux, I tackle one room at a time. I need to go through a closet I have many art/craft supplies stored. When I finally get my office/art room completed I can move my sewing machine in there so I have more room in this particular closet. Our linen closets are small so the plan is to move the sewing machine out along with the art/craft supplies and make it additional storage for towels and even paper towels, etc. for the kitchen. So many ideas, so little time and $$ to do all we would like. Eventually it will get done and then I may like it so much I won't want to move to Idaho to be closer to my daughter, Lol!!

Last month my husband and me had total upheaval in our apartment.
Our floor needed some serious repairs, since there were some floor boards underneath a rug that were buckling and making it unsafe to walk over in certain areas of the living room. The landlady, who isn't cooperative at all, finally sent in two guys to do the job.

Oh! we had to pack up everything in our living room, they dealt w/removal of big furniture. She had to put us up in a motel for 4 days, until the job was done.
This was 3 weeks ago, and to date we still have the old rug, padding, old parkay floor boards and debris sitting out in our front lawn facing the street. This whole ordeal was quite stressful. He finally called the City on her to deal w/the debris issue.

So I'm all with you who are talking about the clutter. One doesn't realize how much we can accumulate after having lived in a place for some time. My husband doesn't know how to declutter. I don't like to throw out other people's things either. But yesterday, I was finally cleaning up our bedroom. I did throw out some promotional junk mail he stacks up by some drawers from 2011. I weeded out some clothing, have it in a bag sitting in the trunk of my car. But I refuse to bring it back into the apartment. So I'm just trying to see if there's an organization who is collecting clothes, I'd feel better knowing that it went to people who are really wearing it, rather than ending up for sale on a rack.

Well, I'm very happy the floor work is behind us. It also really feels good to Feng Shui the place, it does give it a fresh energy. Declutter, declutter, declutter!
The next place I w/declutter is the kitchen. Much Love, Margeaux

Hi Emjo,
Thanks for the advice about dealing w/my sister & that AC issue.
You're right. I shouldn't allow her behavior to control the situation.
I fess up to the fact, that I am a peace keeper.

Add to this the other day, I made the mistake of asking her how her boyfriend's mom was, she's been in the hospital. My sister then told me, that she and the beau were having some issues between them. She'd had some issues last Nov.,w/him just before the narcissistic aunt died. They just about parted ways, and I had to hear my sisters endless, boo hooing about their break up, and that she didn't feel as if she could handle it, blah di blah. It sounds like it's based on some of the same issue, which is that her boyfriend and the daughters don't seem to like one another, and she's claiming she's annoyed w/him, since he never says hi to them if they are there at mom's house. When I heard this, I just kept quiet, because one of my nieces, (the one who lives there), many times does not say hello to me when I go to visit mom. She usually does this when my sister isn't either looking, or is not there. So there's a lot of convoluted things going on over there. But all I can say is, I hope that if my sister let's say does break it off w/him,
I don't want to become her sound board again, w/all of the boo hooing over it either.
My sister complains heavily about certain issues, then she does a complete 180 turn w/her decisions and behavior. I'm quite honestly growing tired of this. It's as if she doesn't know how to function w/o drama in her life! Margeaux

Wishing you luck Joan!! I need to declutter as well. Hard to do when working but I do through closets etc, once a year. I can get a small dumpster delivered once a year for free for 24 hours only. Our home is small 3bdrm. 2bth, but only 1300 square feet. After 35 years we have lots of stuff accumulated. When I didn't work I was able to keep up on things a lot easier. Then we also have a lot of my sons things stored in the garage because he and his wife are renting a very small apartment (about 600 sq. ft.). I am hoping when he comes up to visit during Christmas, I can get him to take some of it or decide if they want to keep it or discard it.

hi margeaux -it is dreadful how bad things can get within a family, but I guess that is why we are here on the dysfun fam thread. Yes, the golden child can do no wrong. That was very kind of you to help your neighbour with the paper trail. A friend suggested that I chat with my financial advisor (also mother's), explain the situation to him, and ask his advice as to how best to cover myself. I think I will do that. I suspect it will be to document, and keep receipts.
re your niece, the baby and the air conditioning, I think I would go ahead and tell her, as the primary concern is for the baby's welfare. That may well inflame the issues with your sister, but you cannot control her behaviour, only she is responsible for her own responses. I would not let her "bully" you, or tell you off, or engage in anything with her about it. It is between you, your niece and the caregiver. Boundaries! I know she may get upset, and that is what she uses to control people, but it doesn't have to control you. My two cents anyway.

We were talking about tickets, and I got overconfident. Gotta use the cruise!

cmag, hope your meds get sorted out so that you start to feel better more consistently. Let us now what your psychiatrist says about it. I have had my share of that "zombie" feeling, even on a tiny doses of antidepressants, which I am off, thankfully.

Wish me luck everyone. I need to declutter my house, and my man is a pack rat. I am not as bad, but with being ill the last 2 years, I am behind in just about everything. However, I decided I have to lead by example, and get my stuff in tip top shape before tackling him. ;)

I think that I mentioned two weeks ago about my psychiatrist increasing my Abilify from 5mg to 10mg. It is supposed to make my wellbutrin, antidepressent worked better. Well, the first week was ok. However, the second week, I was like a zombie for most of it until Friday after 6pm and through Sat. Yet, today, while not being like a zombie, it was a down day and so down that I did not go to see my mum in the nursing home. I hope to get some input from my psychiatrist about this med increase on Monday.

Emjo, I read your post about hanging on to receipts. Definitely a yes about that!
My neighbor, poor thing ( her own daughter only throws her a bone, in terms of attention) had horrible landlord problems w/abusive tenants last year. This daughter of hers is on the title of said property, but doesn't do a thing to help/advise her mom out in terms of managing the property. Anyway, I encouraged my neighbor to create a paper trail, and she did, which helped when she had to finally work on the eviction. I believe we all have our personal thoughts/attitudes when it comes to the reimbursement issue w/loved ones, no doubt especially when it comes to the very close familial ties. Given, it is the way it is between your sister, BTW, by your description of your mom picking up the tab for her holidays, your sister has no conscience about behaving very greedily.! We seem to all have one of these in our family. In ours, it's the older of my two brothers, golden boy.

Anyway, at least when you go through this process, it won't become a "your word against hers." Isn't it terrible in our dysfunctional families one must circumvent all of this?

You are so right about what you said that my sister's anger/control issues spill into the relationship w/my niece. I feel that by telling my niece about the caregiver and the AC issue, this could possibly inflame old controlling issues w/my sister and me, of which we've had plenty! I don't want to go through the, telling my niece to keep this a secret, etc., because it is her mom. On the other hand, how will my niece know about this thoughtless caregiver, unless I tell her. My niece's own sister who lives there in the house, sleeps in til 1:30 p.m., and IMO, could be a witness to this, but she's too tuned out, and lazy!

Oh Emjo, I'm glad you made it back safely home, but sorry for the ticket.
Maybe we were talking about tickets too much, and the vibe was unleashed.
O.K., Take care, Love & hugs! Margeaux

Sharynmarie, Oh, I'm so sorry about the cut you suffered on the job.
Well, I'm glad that the company you work for, has a lighter duty policy.

I can''t remember if I posted a Thank You, for posting about co-dependency.
I could not have read this on a better day, w/talk about that later.

Well, take care of your cut. Love & think heal! Margeaux

thx Kim, I am careful even when I speed - I was doing 80 in a 65 zone - on a highway with little else in sight. The cop came out of nowhere! He may have been hiding up a side road. Two in one month - that is worse than me! My sister is a piece of work, and always has been. I really wonder what will happen to her when she doesn't have mother to manipulate. I don't know how things work here either. Mother is still considered competent. She manages her own finances as well as she ever has. She has an excellent financial advisor who looks after her investments (and incidentally, mine too). Apparently I can act as her agent when she is not able, in financial, personal and medical matters and that means to act in her interests. It is pretty generic. I have not enacted any of this as mother still manages well. The banks here want either one or another person to be in charge of finances, so it is an either/or situation. On another thread, someone was asking what to do about the paranoid accusations, and it has raised a point for me. Mother definitely has paranoia, and imagines people are stealing things, but now seems to accept it, without getting alarmed as she did earlier. The latest is feeling that someone has tampered with her computer and is getting info from it from a distance. This indicates mental decline, I just listen, and don't respond, or may say something like, "That seems strange." In pretty well all other ways she manages her life extremely well. All her things are in their place in her apartment, (I wish I was as well organized) she dresses very well, she eats sensibly for her needs, she reads many books, as she always has.-though I notice now that she does not remember much about the plot but she will remember that she thought the plot was weak, though the writing was excellent and so on. She is 100 yrs old, and at this point I don't see the use of trying to get her assessed. One doctor tried it a few years ago, and she spotted what he was doing, and ripped a strip off him. As long as she is managing where she is, I can't see the benefit. She does have Borderline Personality Disorder, and paranoia can be part of that, though it is getting worse with age. She would get extremely upset if she thought she was going to be tested, and would refuse to cooperate. My thought right now is let sleeping dogs lie, as long as she is not harming herself or others. I may have to intervene if she has more notions about her health and what treatment she should be given. This last bout with the laxatives has harmed her, whether permanently or not remains to be seen, and as far as I can tell, it was her notion that she needed to be " cleaned out" that caused them to prescribe as they did.
sharyn -sounds like you have to be careful too around considering your niece. When a relative is greedy for money (my sis and sis's oldest daughter) there is trouble. Glad the pain is settling down.