notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Emjo, Thank you also, I'm right now trying to go w/gut instincts, because you know when we can get past some of the b.s., then we can honor our own truth!
Margeaux
I know from what my husband told me, that my FIL was abusive to his wife ( who has been deceased for 35 years ), and never emotionally there for his children.
Since my husband and I have moved in, we have had to deal with a sister who is a drug addict, who we had to evict and serve a no contact order and another one who moved in that is mentally ill.
I sit back and watch the dynamics of a dysfunctional family at work. There is drug addiction and alcoholism. There is dishonesty, denial and shame. No one is happy.
I do not like my father-in-law and I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. Everything is a battle; from getting him to change his urine stained clothes, to washing his hands. Anything I suggest, to enable him to feel better, he argues against. So, here I am, watching a sick, old man drink himself to death and adult children that are unhappy.
Since I am on the "How are you doing" thread...I'd like to take a few minutes to ask anyone who reads this to pray for a dear friend of mine. She is another super human being who needs all the support she can get! (she has Leukemia) I had a long visit with her yesterday, and found out that even in her situation, most of her (large) family is "ignoring" her! Why is it that friends seem to be there more than family? I couldn't imagine not helping out! I had a close aunt that passed away 5 years ago, from cancer, and I was always there for her...unconditionally. I don't know why she didn't tell me about this sooner...maybe she is ashamed of all of them. I just thought, once again, how dysfunctional ALL families are!...But, that's another topic!
I am glad to see more people finding this thread and that continues to grow.
Prayers and hugs to all and to all good night.
Let us know how your doctor's visit goes. Amazing that you found him. Don;t know about the pets, I was allergic to cats and some dogs and don't seem to ber now. They are such good companions. At my age, I am finally getting to know horses and can call myself a wrangler. Sig other breeds them. Never too late!
Marge, I know you feel you are on the right track and I agree. There is no need to subject yourself to abuse from anyone. I agree with Ucant!
I have been ill for almost half of my life, geez I don't even know how to start. The last year has been a blur. It started off with a chronic sore throat, followed by a kidney stone, then pneumonia, acid reflux, barrett's disease, a double positve DNA for gluten, blood test IgE allergic to corn and wheat, post menopausal bleeding, I am not producing stomach acid, my liver is not filtering properly, calcium is off putting me at risk of breast cancer too. So to sum it up I am allergic to beef, pork, wheat, corn, oats, barley, and rye. Add to that 22 years of fibro pain and a stomach that has a mind of it's own. It sucks, but I have a great DR. who practices functional medicine. I have been off of all the pain meds for almost 4 years as well as any anti-depressants. I am just coming off my last script which is for anxiety.
The really cool part is I am healing. It seems slow but here is what research shows: the fibromyalgia is a result of chronic imflamation due to 54 years of poisoning myself with wheat-gluten---it (the damage) is reversable. I also tested positive for 2 potential pathogens and will know a couple weeks if 3 months of natural antibiotics killed the little buggers.
What follows is one of many reason's I belong on this site: In one of her more sane moments mom told me we were both diagnosed allergic to all those grains when I was 8!! I remember the Dr. telling me, but in my 8 year old mind I thought "allergic to wheat...better stay away from the fields during haying season" I could only relate allergy with sneezing. But mom knew and understood. She CHOSE not to follow the Dr.'s orders. And so here I am.
Just as a side note: In my research I watched a video my doctor loaned me Unlocking the Mystery of Wheat & Gluten Sensitivity by Thomas O'Bryan DC, CCN, DABCN this is what I found...1 out of 5 brain disorders including Alz. is directly due to gluten sensitivity.
So both my parents had G/S and I have a double whammy. The father I never knew died from MS (auto-immune disorder like fibro) and mom with dementia. If you think this might apply to you; contact enterolab online and for $180.00 the red cross will send you a simple mouth swab kit and decipher the results. Insc.
will not pay for this.
Add to this that 3 of my 5 kitties died last year (relax) they were 18, 17, & 18 years old and all are disabled. This week we almost lost Baby, she has been at the vet's all week but is back home with a feeding tube and her future looks brighter than it did last week. Life...it happens if we are ready for it or not...it is how we deal with life that makes all the difference.
That being said, I am open to hear any advice or your story or even a joke.
I usually go by myself to mom's, since it usually ends up being me staying the night. But my husband goes w/me. Yes, if you read some of what I wrote to 195Austin and a visit just days ago, I'm definitely going to try to schedule the visits when both my sister and niece are not there. The main goal for me is to see mom, doesn't mean I have to see the rest of those people, and their fake egos, nor bad attitudes. Thank you so much for the suggestions, hugs, Margeaux
Thank you, for your suggestion, especially about maybe not going into that household. Yes, really I've done this at different times throughout especially what I call, "the reign of terror," while my aunt was still alive. Boy, somehow I was with some kind of wishful thinking fed by my sister's constant need for moral support, which I totally was and continue to be whenever my aunt was giving her and the caregivers a real hard time. I naively thought that now my aunt's passing was going to flow into a happy family, cooperating while still caring for mom and the ALZ. But, I forgot about or probably my denial about the dynamics w/sister-POA, and her daughter, who only seems to be a taker. My sister enlisted me about a week ago to go w/mom to doc's appointment on March 1st, to check her pacemaker. I said, O.K. My sister works 40 hr. job. So recently, she's drawn to my attn, that especially the main caregiver she's had for the last three years, she feels sometimes oversteps boundaries in terms of talking to the doctor's, making appointments, etc. I think this caregiver is great also, she is very affectionate w/mom, and put up w/loads, while auntie was still alive. But my sister seems to view this caregiver as wanting to make extra unnecessary appointments as my sister feels that this caregiver likes to get out of the house w/mom, because then they go out to eat later, and it's an easy day for the caregiver. I don't know about this. I however feel that at some point my sister allowed this caregiver to become too in charge of this aspect of the caregiving, because while my aunt was alive, my sister pretty much was not talking w/my aunt. Although, my aunt's behavior warranted some of this, sometimes I would for example try to suggest to my sister after she'd told me some horrendous story about auntie's rages, "has she ever been checked for Dementia, or ALZ?" My sis's response would be, "Who knows, she's always been a difficult person." So you see, any of my suggestions about complaints my sister makes to me, are many times dissed. I did go visit just the other day, w/my husband. He's great! That day also, I brought to sis's attn., that someone (her daughter, the taker) again left some article of clothing and a hair ornament on the stairs going up to second floor. She's doAne this before, and for safety's sake, I've suggested that this isn't a good idea. Someone could trip, and at bottom of stairs is a marble floor. My sis's response to this was,
"Oh, I always leave things there, that way it saves me having to keep going up and down the stairs, so many times." Now, I again here feel that my sister is trying to always draw attention to the fact, kind of like she's a martyr. But anyway, 195Austin, thank you for your suggestion, and honestly, I'll keep that doc visit, but I think I'm going to start becoming unavailable to my sister. I'm tired of this not being appreciated, somehow being still recruited at some level. Maybe I'll even suggest to her next time, "maybe you should call our brothers." Yes I do work, but it's been a bit slow at the moment. I like Yoga, and actually I'm driven to writing. Thanks for the hug, and hugs to you also, Margeaux
Oh I so identified with the things going on in your family. I certainly related especially to your take about what you said re: not owing to parents the caregiving out of guilt. It's quite interesting, in my family this issue. I am from a family of four siblings. I'm the eldest. We are pretty much like a step ladder in terms of age, one year apart and the last one, 2 years. This made it very tough on me, being the eldest. My parents worked full-time since we were very young.
Grandma was in the picture at first, but very soon....I became mommy. This is why I never had my own kids. I loved my parents, for what they provided, but somehow the nurturing, emotional part lacked greatly! So now as an adult in a caregiving situation, that I do at a distance, since my sister (considered the capable one) in our family-oh those roles, yes...they never die! is POA, in charge. She lives w/mom who has ALZ. Mom's sis was also living there w/congestive heart failure, and just passed away 3 wks. ago. But I've done my share of caregiver back up, relief, and visits. Our aunt who just passed, may she rest in peace, but really gave everyone a hard time throughout her entire life. Mom never stood up to her, and enabled abuse by my aunt. So in essence I've gone back & forth between feeling sometimes guilty, maybe that I don't do enough. But of course, while auntie was living there w/mom, it was so hard to go into the zone of battle, because this is what it was. Then my sister, who is great at running the show, but truth be told she, & my brothers, who never get their hands dirty in any caregiving work, totally hide the ball from me in terms of whats going on especially w/inheritance issues. By saying this, I don't mean to imply that this is a big motivator in my life as to my participation w/mom's health. But w/ the power holders, especially my sister (total control freak), it makes it very difficult for me on a spiritual level. Well, and I've heard way more often than not, that somehow the brothers in the family seem to not get too involved when there are sisters in the family. Do you have contact with the one brother that might be able to help? Anyway, I use some meditation to help me, lot's of deep breathing.
This seems to help me. But anyway, I just want to offer some moral support and share. You're not alone, my dear, Hugs! Margeaux