Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
it may be slightly vulgar so put on your delicate sensibilities vulgar proof ear buds.
here's what you said....
"My husband and I have been chosen by my 92 year old dad to be POA and Health Care Proxy, much to the displeasure of my three brothers, their wives and families"
I would advise them all to pound sand into the appropriate orifice immediately if not sooner. that's my advise. I hope this helps. good luck!
I woke up feeling very depressed but after reading the love and support shared by everyone my spirit is rising. I guess that's what we're all about.
cmag- I know those first 24 hours are rough but get as much rest as you can and know we're with you in love.
banshee -your words have given me strength to face this morning. I can only take one hour at a time and right now for this hour mom's still sleeping. :)
JesseBelle- God is sending His love to you through your rabbits. My prayers are with you.
emjo- Love to you from your brothers and sisters here. ; )
Update- mom denied the whole incident to my husband last night. I stood there with my mouth open listening to her explain that she didn't push me or slam the briefcase on my hand. I couldn't help but wonder if she were playing him against me. I will not sacrifice 35 years of marriage for my mother. I honestly don't know if it's progressive dementia or progessive narcissism. I can handle the dementia better than knowing she's being manipulative. ALF w/memory care is the best arrangements for her and my marriage. I know she won't be cooperative but I pray God will show me the way.
Love to all!
My mother recently called in a home care company for my father. My father quickly became overwhelmed, as did my mother. They both asked me to cancel the OT & PT, which I did. Then my mother became angry, crying and yelling about how Dad was trying to kill himself. She said that he had promised her he would never do what his mother did, and that he was doing exactly that. My father just pulled into himself, stopped eating, and got very weak this weekend. We are continuing with the home care, but limiting it to one appointment a day. My mother says again she wants to stop them from coming in (for various reasons).
Today my father was better. The OT came in and he perked up. He was doing just fine for him. My mother started passing him some notes (he's deaf) about how she will go to the hospital with him if he will go. Where this came from, I don't know. I heard her say something about hospital, so went to find out what was going on. She got mad when I read what she wrote. I told her that Dad was not going to the hospital. I asked her why she was trying to upset him and told her I was tired of the drama. I told her she needed to get out of the house and do something, so maybe she wouldn't be so bored she needed to invent drama. She was not happy, but I think she knew I was right. She went for a long walk. It was a beautiful day, so I hoped it would help. While she was gone, Dad perked up and even started to do his income taxes.
Tonight when my father was going to bed, she started accusing him of trying to commit suicide again. I came in. She started crying, saying he had told her he would never do what his mother did. She is really stuck on that right now. She did not like my father's mother at all, and has frequently used her as a weapon against him.
I'm wondering what is going on. Is she afraid of losing him and getting mad at him because she think he's not trying hard enough? Or is she trying to nudge him over the edge? I am starting to wonder if she may need some serious help, so it will take the stress off my father. It is true that he seems to want to die. She goes back and forth between acceptance and combativeness. This is one of the most difficult situations I have encountered to date. I know there is no easy answer except to take it one incident at a time, but I wanted to talk about it to someone.
Another bad thing is all the upset is taking so much time that I haven't been able to do my own work. Something has to give.
- thanks for updating us - prayers that the nausea goes away and she heals well
Ah, a little simplicity would be nice...
emjo Gentle nudge...you are not your sister, her actions and inactions are out of your control. Love your nephew with all your heart (he is a lucky man) and goodness will reign. We should all be so blessed to have you for an auntie. XO
Isn't it wonderful when we fully realize that it is not our job to fix anyone - that's letting go of the codependency and becoming healthy
banshee - I am glad for you that your mum is in LTC and that you choose not to visit when she turns ugly - it is very important to remember that "she can't hurt me anymore unless I make myself available" - so much wisdom in that, I am learning to make myself less available too
austin - so glad you got to that point too - let go and let God.
cmag - thanks for your research - we have so much to learn, hope your wife's carpal tunnel surgery goes well today
jessie - are u back on the detachment wagon?
today I am sad as I have been in contact with my nephew - my sister is narcissistic too, and more vicious/heartless than my mum, I have slowly been developing a relationship with my nephew and family, who are a long distance away, but email works. He is estranged from his mum and she has disinherited him (long story). They have the most beautiful little boy, her only grandchild and she pays no attention to him. This morning he wrote and told me some things my sis had said to his wife when she was 2 weeks post partum, and I am shocked and saddened and my resolve to visit them one day is increased. Today, I am ashamed of my family and their behaviour.
hope your hand is OK and that you get through to the doc and get some help quickly
maybe time to tour those ALFs,
Let us know how it goes more ((((((hugs))))))
Well, mom had a meltdown this morning. This was my first time witnessing it. She pushed me out of her room(literally), demanded to go home immediately (lives 3 hours away), and slammed a briefcase on my hand. She became completely irrational...Stage3???
I have a call to her doctor but had to vent first. I'm still shaking.
(((((((Jessie)))))) just catching up with your posts now
Sorry you fell off the detachment wagon – (but, like that phrase). Sometimes everything you do is the wrong thing BTDT, Glad you have the rabbits to cuddle. Pets are wonderful companions.
Also glad one sil is supportive. Hope you can ignore the other one. You are absolutely right, if Jesus were there he would sit and hold dad’s hand. What a gift that OT is!
Caregivers do rock, and do go through a lot!
Jessie, I am glad you went to the DONM site. It has so much good information and many suggestions. Your mum’s reactions do sound narcissistic.. Narcissists always stir up the waters and create problems- - doesn’t matter what it is about, or if it makes no sense to you.
There are several theories about the cause of personality disorders such as narcissism, but none of these are really clear. Here is a quote from the Mayo Clinic about causes, which includes pretty well everything I have read.
“It's not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex. The cause may be linked to a dysfunctional childhood, such as excessive pampering, extremely high expectations, abuse or neglect. It's also possible that genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking — plays a role in the development of narcissistic personality disorder.”
In my mother’s extended family there were several women, and one man that I know of, who were “strange” and self centered. Mother is one of them. Her 4 siblings (now deceased) were the nicest people you could meet, as were my grandfather and grandmother. This leads me to suspect a genetic connection in her case, and the others in her family. There was no abuse, or neglect or pampering.
Madge – ((((hugs))))). I sure hope your mum does not take you up on that offer. Her nursing home suggestion sounds good to me. Hold her to it, if you need to! Yes, the chickens do come home to roost. Good to see you posting
Can you get a third party opinion - doctor or social worker or some such person invloved as to the wisdom of her going back to her house? Has she had an evaluation to assess her capabilities, and what level of home care she needs, or if, indeed, it is advisable forn nher to go home?Have you toured the facilites yourself so as to narrow down the search? I would be inclined to go on the tour without her, to show her that you are serious about this option. making it clear to her that one day it may be her only option, and if you were her you would like to be involved in the choice.If she is capable of going home with home care, it may not work out that well because of the narcissism and control issues, however it is fair enough to try it, if it works for you. You may be fortunate enough to get care workers who can handle narcissists.
How about - Plan A - she goes home with Home Care (as long as her eval indicates this is OK) and if that does not work out, Plan B is an ALF. I would make it clear to her what her options are.
Let her know clearly also, in writing if necessary, what you can do for her and what you cannot do for her, or she will likely chip away at your time and energy. Using cmag's phrase -they hoover you in.
I know all these things are hard, and I pray that you work out a solution that is good for you and that takes care of your mum's needs.
Let us know what happens.
jo
what med's is she taking? and are they necessary? as in really necessary? she's from a different generation when the quacks and so called "health insurance" SWINE didn't want to force all of us into being patients by lowering the numbers gradually over the years. blood pressure, cholesterol, etc...maybe she doesn't think she needs some of that crap. if you tell me what some of it is, I'll give you my layman's opinion.
Open for thoughts and suggestions. I'm so tired!!!