The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

We are still waiting for the cardiologist to confirm his condition and he has CHF besides empeyma and epilepsy and copd some contracture due to not enough calicium but he made it through another year ..more concerned with his emotional and mental state of mind...so far i haven't need a wkly visit from a nurse or anything like but it hurts the children to see him this way especially our oldest and alll his insurance would end up going to nursing home which I am not gonna do unless he requires much more than what I can. He can go for another couple more yrs or be gone by summer but he is tough n ornery. He is hanging on I think because he doesn't think i can handle single motherhood when in essence been doing that for a long time. I give him the best attention and answer his needs as best as I can but sometimes with day to day stuff its not enough. I cannot get a respite break unless i put him in NH they told me that so its not happening. I am still trying to get him to the pulmonologist and neurologist he keeps fighting on me on that and i keep fighting back...mostly he feels he has let everyone down and I let him know that is not the case; you have been doing what ya can but now you see how important is for me to be there for you instead of burdening yourself. Sometimes that works but what is mess up none of his family calls to see how he is doing and none of mine call either and I refuse to be the family secretary because i have too much on my plate as it is. So if i get offended I will let ya know but normally i just ignore some things being said ...we cannot help families only ourselves granted if we do not want to release on the one we love we need to release where its safe.

Burned: You can give your daughter a wedding dress that comes from your heart and your love for her. It doesn't have to be the one your mom made. It can be store bought or hand made by you. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that she knows how much you love her. You say you and your mom have some estrangement. Why bring any of that to your daughters wedding, ie the dress. You can make your own traditions and give your personal love to your daughter in so many meaningful ways. I know it's hard for you, but try to let the dress go. You and your love for your children are enough, you don't need the dress.

May I ask what is your husband's prognosis? In past things you have written, it sounds like his time is limited, but I'm not sure if I understood that correctly. I'm wondering if Hospice is an option for you.

You don't owe me an apology. Having said that, I will be honest with you. I will, however, make a point of not being so hard nosed about it.

Jo and Liz.. Thank you for your words of such kindness.. I have kinda faded away for a bit.. It was overwhelming to say the least when my son was in the hospital.. trying to handle being there and home to care for my mom.. but I survived as did everyone else.. I do believe now god pulled me through that week.. by the hair I think..but he did.. And now I gotta face caring for them both at home.. and I will admit some days it gets the best of me... My mom has become in so many ways my "child".. We wait for our kids to get be a certain age and have a little more freedom and peace.. only to start all over again.. just like when kids are little we are not able to come and go as we please because they depend on us to care for their every need.. and then we start over with our parents...And some days are worse then other days.. So having this site to come to on those days to vent is a true blessing..

I have to jump in a defend cattails.. I dont mean to offend anyone.. but we ALL have other problems added to the caregiving we provide to our loved ones.. everyday drama that we all face with our families.. But if we ALL kept on one topic in our comments that really never had much to do directly with the daily emotional and physical stress being a caregiver involves then what would this site really be for?? Other then a place to come to just vent whatever.. I truly believe catails was trying to say this regarding the "wedding dress" issues we All know about.. I dont believe in anyway cattails was telling burned not to vent on here.. we are all here to support you burned.. we are all here for eachother..

TY, apology accepted...to a degree long distance my parents are concerned but dealing with my grandfather who has prostate cancer and my other grandmother possibly dying of diabetes. MY sister has forever assume were in some race and the fact is she blew up when I ask her when can i get the dress back . There are two reasons for it one my mother made it and 2 its an inheritance to my daughter of course with alterations if she prefers but I rather wear something made with love n care.

My twin sister, I have blocked her on my cell phone and FB and messenger until she grows some maturity and her path is wholly different from mine. She tried to talk my husband into becoming his poa when we were living with her while I cooked and cleaned raise my 2 and her 3 kids. I finally got tired of the hypocrisy and the Bs...before I left i told them off. I had paid rent for a lil room at 500 a month and paid her property taxes to find she was using the money in a way that didnt benefit her family as a whole. She knew she taken advantage of the situation and small part why my husband ended up with a stroke in 09 leaving him paralyzed on his left side. Moving into my sister was act of help and mercy and I recieve neither; I recieved no help from the state that I was born in and because of her busybody nonsense end up sanctioned too many times.

I left for Arizona and I like the town I am in but I am always fighting head on with the medical and state/govt lvl to keep the aid i have currently and balance bills and raise 2 kids . I hope you accept my apology for blowing up...at that time what you said did have hold stock and I was dealing with it. I do have a therapist I talk to. I just do not get a chance to see her like I need too. We been trying to put me on a twice month appt time but end up with once of month. I also have a couple real good friends that support me but cannot be here. We all have one of those in our families and then we have one of those ostracized for being pragmatic and speaking truth which is in my case. It had taken me nearly 5 yrs to earn my stepdad respect. My mother and I will always have that bit of estrangement cannot be helped. Also to an extent all of us lovely ladies and gents have a right to defend on ourselves when we feel were being attack but it does happen. Sometimes alot of us have extremely bad days dealing with it all. I am just grateful for my children and my faith.. that is what keeps me going.

Believe it or not, I am a very caring and supportive person. Nevertheless, I guess you are correct in saying that this web site is a place to vent. Burned, I am very sorry for the situation with your husband and, while I don't walk in your shoes, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you taking care of him and two children with no help.

Sometimes, I wish there was more constructive suggestions that could be offered to you. (Not that my suggestion was constructive) I wish you could get some professional counseling to help you navigate the turmoil in your life. I wish you could get help in letting go of the people in your life that are toxic and annoying so you could find some peace at least from dealing with them. The anger and resentment you have towards your husband's family and your sister are understandable, but allowing their actions to consume you is not healthy. All the steps you have taken to get their assistance have not worked because these people are who they are and they are not going to help you.

Your sister is a total ass. How she could jerk you around over your wedding dress, knowing the stress you are under and the loss you deal with is unforgivable. I wish you would cut her out of your life completely. Yes, the dress is yours, but the stress of dealing with her to try and get her to send it to you is detrimental to your health and mental well being.

If you want a better life for yourself, then I hope you can find a way to stay clear of your sister and your husband's family. That is a choice you can make and a positive step you can take. It's the only thing you have control over.

It may sound mean spirited to tell you this, but you can also choose to spend the rest of your life tied up with the same people and the baggage they bring and continue to rant about them for the next 20 years. If people want to be supportive of you, then it might be helpful if they were more honest about the reality of your options.

Another suggestion is maybe you could talk about these people from the point of how it hurts you. Talk about the loss rather than the anger and maybe you would find more relief.

My original post to you was rude and I apologize. I am saying it now as I should have said it originally.

burned - you have a whole bunch on your plate, and at a young age, with a young family - don't know how you cope. I think many of us who come here for support don't have supportive families, in fact have families that cause us trouble- (((((hugs)))))
austin -right on
ucant -so glad you mil is recovering well. and SD 's meds are gettinbg sorted out. Thanks - it was a very good minivac - just a couple of days but did a lot me of good.
Hope to hear from more who have been absent for a while.

Izzy, haven't seen you on here in awhile...how are you doing?....how's your mother?...I hope everything is OK......You are both still in my thoughts and prayers :-).......(((((((((Hugs!)))))))))) Liz ;-)

jo, thanks for wondering how I'm doing...pretty good, thanks!...My MIL is still recovering from her emergency gall bladder surgery...she is doing MUCH better...my SD( w/early onset ALZ) had a "small issue" with his meds...but he's OK......sounds like you had a nice little "vacation!"....You deserved it! ((((((HUG!))))) Take care!

Good for you Burnd this is the place to discuss our problems and thank goodness most people are supporting and helpful.

I did get over and i told her to keep the damn thing but I lost my grandmother last yr and tied with the verbal criticism that my sister tossed in my direction when I helped with her no complaint and got use in the end. yeah it may be a tired drama but its my dress...just tired of her bs and her taking things out of context. I can't depend on my sister or my husband family for anything so if you do not like the drama then bring up on of your issues ok. I have been going thru hell dealing with my husband's various illness and govt trying to keep things smooth and keep my job as his aide if that ain't enough for you to like then ignore my posts. You do not understand the negative impact of having no real familial support which I should be having. I have no one to watch my husband while i do errands and I take care of bathing besides more and raise 2 young children and if you think ur drama is better than mine go for it. I am dealing with the forget it issue as it stands so again try living in my shoes battling the world and wishing you had someone to actually listen too and not treat blood like cash cows and slave labor then we can talk until then is my rant...so if you do not like my statement of who i am or what I am going thru then ignore my posts...its that simple ...I am on this site for support for many different things.

burned - personally, I don't mind hearing about the wedding dress, which I know is just one of the issues you have with your sister and in your situation. It is easy for someone to say "Get over it", but until they walk in your shoes...
austin - good to see you back and hope you had a good break - re the notifications, they have a new system and for me it is not working as well. I wonder if a word to the administrators is in order.
brandy - glad you came out with it. I know it is frustrating for you to be told both to "butt out", and also that you are not there enough.
jessie - wondering how you are doing and how mum is. The time after can be hard and needing a lot of adjustment
sharynmarie - sounds like you have been through and resolved a lot. I am glad you and your sister can support one another, considering all you have to deal with. I understand about things that still can trigger the past. When people say how great my narcissistic, emotionally abusive, manipulative mother is, I just say something neutral usually, or once in a while give them a clue.To some people she is great, and that's good for them.
cmag - it seems all the work you have put into therapy is paying off - great!! Hope you get that $37,000.
wondering how ucantcare2much, banshee, margeaux and, of course, izabella (still in my prayers) are - and anyone else I have forgotten.
I have been away as G had business on Vancouver Island for a few days, so we combined it with some sight seeing which we thoroughly enjoyed. It was great to see some flowers in bloom, and green grass, as well as the ocean and mountains. A swim in the pool, walking in parks, and just a break really does help!
Love, hugs and prayers
jo

Burned: When are you going to get over the wedding dress? You have been talking about that forever. Let it go and let your sister go. What does it take for you to find a new way. I think you are wallowing in this "wedding dress" and "sister" issue. You have enough on your "in your face" issues with your husband and your children. Maybe the facebook stuff and you sister are just a distraction that you go to because things are so difficult at home. Nevertheless, enough is enough. JC, stop with the wedding dress drama.

* need

Sad News I had to cut ties with my sister because she took the wedding dress issue out of context. She told me I was stuck in my own world and that I get everything I need at beck n call. She took advantage of the situation and now she is trying to be a bully again. She had the nerve to say my husband is a slob and my children are the devil spawn. I am hurt by all this and yet it was a simple matter...so I blocked her on my FB and on my cell phone ...I do not her drama and I do not need to be criticized for the hell I am going through. Her and I have never seen eye to eye and she always I am projected better thou attitude tho I know for a fact she isn't satisfied with her life. I have made peace with our family circumstances and I accept what is happening. I am not crying over money when there is none to be had and I am just done trying to mend a relationship that is never gonna happen so I have to accept the loss like i have of my brother and my half sister which I can't explain that one..I guess its part of the golden child syndrome but I can't tolerate Bs from someone who lies and manipulates everyone to get her way because that is not me . Personally some ppl still need to grow up..

Hi I am going to jump in here-just got home from 12 days away and noticed I did not get any postings from AC while I was gone-have they changed things a gain -before I went away they were sending many posts in one line and also sending those from each thread-so now I will have to go to each thread and read up what I missed I guess-it seems strange that I did not get any commets.

It stands for nursing home. NH

Christy, you can see an attorney for one visit only (consultation) with a no fee. In your case, an elder law attorney would not be necessary since your husband is not elderly. I suggest you call around because they will give you very helpful information which will help you in ways you may not be aware of now. My sister and I saw an elder law attorney, spent at least an hour with her if not more. She looked over the DPOA we have from my mother's elder law attorney and explained many things we had not considered. You don't have to have DPOA or a POA to see them. Look into all areas even if you think it will be the same old answers.

it might as well be the same for my husband...we move to Az thinking his Family would help for a change and no got the same kind of treatment nearly to what we had living with my sister. It is always about the money not the person who is ill and I cannot afford elder care lawyer but I know his siblings think they deserve something at his passing not gonna happen. I been married to my husband for nearly 11 yrs and have 2 children and Ill be damned if they take away what is given to me. Yeah it gets crazy but blood is all relative nowadays and just recently I ended contact with my sister cuz she was too lazy to send my dress cod after all my family did for her and yes the greenbacks are her god. She goes nuts if she doesnt see a paycheck. Where as I been able to budget on less than 1100 a month that is combine his ssdi and my paycheck from the agency to be his aide. I go through hurdles not to waste money yet money is a trap. Do what ya have to do ...do not let ur sister bully ur mom...no matter the issues all children deserve to have something from their parents.

@ Brandywine, I am not sure what HN stands for so my suggestion to you is to see and elder law attorney. Not the attorney your mother uses. A consultation is free and they will give you the time to state your concerns and advice you. Your sister cannot trace you here on this site so don't worry. If your mother has a Will and has set your sister up as DPOA, the only way the will can be changed is if your mother changes it. If you think your sister can influence your mother to leave everything to her, then I would seek the advice of an attorney. In the mean time, you may want to document everything you do for your mother etc. My sister and I share DPOA and we work together. The problem we have is our mother (Alzheimer's and Schzoid Personality Disorder) make it almost impossible to help her until the Alzheimer's progresses further along. I am so sorry you have to go through this because it seems that when it comes money, it can tear siblings apart. It is so sad that people let their ego get in the way of being a family. I have heard many stories from others where this has been the case and after the parent has passed, siblings are not longer speaking to each other. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you see an Elder Law Attorney for advice!!

Sister has the POA. By keeping her out of the NH.

Your sister sounds very passive/aggressive to me. Who has the durable and medical POA for your mother. How are you trying to preserve your inheritance?

I am reluctant to post here because my sister is very much computer savvy and she might see what I am posting. Anyone else have this problem? All I can tell you is that I have an elderly mother who is depressed, has dementia, is cranky and crabby, and lives in her own home. Sister has taken over and Mom won't listen to me and I have been told by sister to stay out of the helping of Mom. She says she is in charge and I am to back off. Then the following week she says I am not helping enough. And an honest thing is to say is that we are trying to preserve our inheritance. There I said it.

Thank you again cmagnum, your wife is a very lucky woman, God Bless you both. @ Christy, I too am over the abuse but there are times when something gets said that hits me like I explained in the other post. My sister and me are best friends but I miss spending time with her because her health is not good and lives out of town. We talk on the phone and laugh alot together. My family has been torn apart because of the abuse and my dad was a peaceful drunk except that living with my mom and how she would incite him in a rage. If she had not done that, my dad never would have been physically abusive. I have forgiven him and my mom. My husband is my rock, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. Take care and keep the humor flowing!!

* meant be lol

i totally agree and in my case my mom sat while my dad beat us in a drunken state and only threaten to leave him one time. I have gotten over al that but I cannot accept my sister as my sister. I told her not to contact me and that I am leaving the wedding dress subject me and she call me a selfish brat....when hello...who paid rent and property taxes just to watch her and family waste money like it was in a piss pot. I do not get a chance to talk to my brother or my baby sister...what ticks me off is that family is relative and blood is relative. What happen to the waltons ...what happen to those lil house on the prairie times...what the hell is wrong with ppl these days. I am not the attention getting type of personality...I am trying to survive and yet my own flesh n blood sister thinks its a freaking race or some type of competition. She would go behind my back to talk my husband into giving her POA status which was none of her business. She is misery and I do not associate with misery and dolores claibourne can hang out and dish it out. I have been accused by his family and his doctors etc that i am hurting my husband and when i only ask for one thing from my sister she throws all out of it context and finds a way to make it about her...i do not think she has mature by bunch yet i love how she hides her true personality and I have seen it in action...enough rage venting...i got to see if i can talk hubby into seeing the heart doctor today.

sharynmarie, enjoy your time with your daughter without guilt for you are not your mom, you didn't make your mom they she is, you can't fix her, nor can you control her. All you can really do is take care of you by choosing a healthy path like you have which included therapy which is great! I can understand grieving over what you do not have with your mom, but try to let go of the guilt for it is not your fault that your mother and you are not close. I've been in therapy several years dealing with my family of origin issues which mainly have had to deal with my mother. One thing that I came to see was that she repeated with me what she had grown up with in her own home. I ended up writing her a letter, read it to my therapist, burning in a trash can and throwing the ashes to the wind as I released it all into God's hands. My wife and I have felt much closer with each other through all of this as I experienced with her dealing with her mom in therapy. I thought that I had already either seen how verbally abusive her mom is or heard past stories about it from my wife's childhood, but no as I've shared things that my wife did not know, she has told me things that I did not know. However, the very depth of my pain and anger only my therapist knows. Have a good day and enjoy your time with your daughter! guilt free!!!

cmagnum, you are right she probably does remember her public persona. My experience with people has been "everyone has been abused". I don't tell people the details like I did on here simply because those who have not suffered abuse can't get their minds around it unless they work in the area of dealing with abuse, etc. I think I reacted so strongly to the comment my friend made because I was having a mother/daughter day, something I can't do with my mother and I felt guilty for being able to enjoy my time with my daughter. I wish I could have had that with my mom. Enough self pity because I know others hurt and have been hurt much worse at the hands of their families and I thank you for responding. Love, hugs back to you and everyone on here who is dealing or been through abusive situations♥!!

sharynmarie, wow what an abusive childhood you survived! That was horrible!!!! You mother obviously has some problems to be able to appear so nice to people outside of your family, but be so mean at home. Possibly, the friends that you have told about the abuse have not said anything to that one friend from FB that you mention. Their memory was that of your mother's public mask. Your memory is what you experienced behind closed doors at home. If these people will not believe your history of abuse, then they are rather shallow friends or totally ignorant of things like personality disorders. I guess all you can do is tell them is your experience of my mother when you saw her was not what I saw actually living with her as a child day by day. I just don't understand why some people don't believe folks when they speak of their experiences of childhood abuse. I could go into my own experiences of abuse, but I'm trying to focus on your question. Are people questioning your motives and what is this gossip saying that you want which is not true? I really don't know what else to say and hope some others on this thread will respond. Love, hugs, and prayers as you walk through this mess.

How can I deal with people who remember my mother from my childhood but have no idea how abusive she has been and they know that she now has Alzheimer's. To be more specific...I posted on facebook that tomorrow was a mom and daughter day for me and my daughter who lives out of state and I have not seen in 7 months. I am very excited to spend this time with my daughter, however, her trip out here is a vacation for her and her husband as well as a honeymoon that they did not get when they were married 2 years ago. A woman on my friendlist whom I have known since childhood and who also knows people that I have discussed abuse issues with, responded to my post...give your mother a kiss from me, she was always kind to me when we were kids. I know I should not let this bother me, but it does because she, as well as others who never experienced abuse, don't accept it and have no clue what I have gone through as a result of my mother's abuse. I spent 4 years in therapy during my 30's because of my mother. I have two siblings who are alcholics (one is in recovery), another sibling will have nothing to do with any of the family. To give you an idea of my mother...she could never discipline us children...she did not want to be the bad guy so she put it on my father. If he did not discipline us as harshly as my mother felt he should, she would shew out horrible things regarding his manhood and how he was a failure as a husband and father. Because my father was an alcoholic, after days of listening to my mother's poison, he would get drunk and unleach his frustrations and anger on the offending child by beating them. My mother would watch the beatings and say, "You deserve it". When things went too far, she would blame my father and tell us how horrible he was. How can I explain this to someone who saw my mother as the personality she developed for other people?? How can I explain to people who have no clue that my only desire is to see that my mother (in her elderly years maintains her dignity and independence when they have heard otherwise from gossip?

Thought I would post a funny (no disrespect to Jesse) just wanted to give you a chuckle.

Fellow passed away and found himself with St. Peter at the pearly gates. He was pretty nervous and St. Peter says " Don't worry. Everyone in Heaven is really nice, and warm, and friendly. Go on over to the orentation center and pick out some housing and I will see you at supper. We usually all get together towards evening." So off he goes and later; he is standing in line to eat when all of a sudden this fellow in a white coat. comes by and starts elbowing and pushing his way to the front of the line. Well he gets really nervous again and sees St. Peter a few paces behind him in line. So he goes to him and says " I thought you said everyone in heaven was warm and nice and friendly; what's up with that guy?" St. Peter chuckles and says " Oh, that's God; sometimes he likes to pretend he's a doctor." PEACE