The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cat, thank you for your kind words. I have written to her and she wrote back and said "its always about you isn't it." She thinks she has all the answers.

Brandywine: I checked your profile, but it says nothing about your circumstances. I'm just wondering. Is it possible for you to write your sister a letter and tell her how you feel. If you told her how much it would mean to you to be included in her life and the holidays, do you think she might understand it better? I have no idea what the problems are, but your last comment was so heartfelt. It would be impossible for me to not be touched if my sister expressed that to me. Even if she does not respond the way you want, at least you would know that you spelled it out in a kind fashion and let her know how much you miss being included.

Just a thought. Love, Cattails.

I would be much more cooperative with my sister towards my mother if sister would include me in her holidays. I don't want money, I want someone to have the holidays with. This is the way it is, I invite mom to go to the restaurant with me or to a brunch or to my house for a brunch. Mom says she will, then literally 5 min before we are to go, mom calls me and says she is going with my sister. Sister will absolutely not invite me to her parties or to the restaurant with her. I could go and be at the same rest. and see her and she wouldn't even invite me over to her table or even wave across the room. She has had mom every holiday for the last 5 years and husband and I have been alone all those holidays. Our kids live far away and friends have other places to go. But then when sister wants something, I am to jump and ask how high. Then if I won't do what she wants, she says I am uncooperative, probably posts it on here.

Willow: You are on SSDI, so if you take a job will your SSDI be revoked? Can you make a certain amount without losing your SSDI. How much of an income do you have? Sweetheart, you have to do something. You are living in a house of cards. There has to be a way for you, your dog and cat to have some peace and safety. Can you answer the questions and let us see if we can find a way to help you. Love, Cattails.

Willow, your situation is difficult. I agree with the suggestions already given. Going to church and getting established in a church family will be a step in the right direction. You need to expand your world because the more people you have contact with the better you will feel about yourself. Coming to this site also helps as you have found out. Can you get medical thru the state? What income to you have? I ask because in California, people can get reduced housing rent thru a program called HUD. I work with a woman who gets this. It applies to apartments as well. The woman I work with has 2 kids at home and she only get 24 hours a week like I do and she is able to rent a 3bd home. You may only need an apartment for yourself. I encourage you to look into it. You deserve better♥!!

Willow-- This site has helped me through some very difficult days.. so please know that everyone on here is now your "Friends".. Therefore you are know longer in this alone with no friends.. And although we are not there close to you to help you physically we all are here to help you emotionally.. And even though emotional support does not offer all the answers it saves us all from feeling complete despair.. you can turn to us everyday all day if need be..

Willow-- I so understand your feelings towards your dog.. I have more then one! And Ive often said "I like my dogs much better then most people I come across"!! .. I know it is on mind if you were to find a shelter of some sort they may not welcome your dog also.. But I know some of them do.. Please look into ones in your area.. you cannot live like this anymore.. this way of living is beyond stressful.. its horrible for people who are suppose to love you to treat you like this.. I know your health is not very good.. but stress also plays a part on how you are feeling.. how can you feel good on any level living in this Hell? This is just an idea-- But I would privately call your parents primary Dr.. I would tell him the situation.. Especially if there is a danger of your mother falling.. And then I would explain to the Dr that your S-dad is a threat to you and quite possibly other women because of his sick twisted way of treating you.. Bottem Line Willow.. Its time to fight.. for you!!.. Their primary will have to offer you some help.. you were a nurse (as I was) the Dr cannot by law turn his back on the saftey matters you will bring to his attention regarding your parents..

This all may sound really "mean" but really its not.. You cannot sit back and allow your s-dad to treat you this way.. and you cannot leave it up to your mother if and when she wants to involve outside help.. Can you imagine what your life will be if your mother does break a hip?? And since she would refuse a NH that will be up to you to take care of her.. and even if she did go into a NH as you said you cannot be alone w/your s-dad.. You need to let someone know of this entire situation and I would begin with their primary Dr.. He may get things going.. You have to start somewhere.. I dont see this all getting better.. it will get worse if you leave it in their hands.. and if God does reach his hand out and they both get placed somewhere.. you will not have to leave that house right away.. meaning in the meantime you can figure out plan B-- Right now take one day at a time and make that phone call.. Remember you have all of us here praying for you!!

Willow I am so sorry about your life-are there any shelters you could go to -your parents sound horrible I would not even try to help them-could you rent a room in someones home or care for someone in exchange for room and board-you do not deserve the treatment your parents are giving you could you call social service and tell them what is going on and have them deal with your parents and ask them what they can do to help you-I am worried about you and want to help.

Well said, Burned.

You may be their sole caregiver but based on ur age even with medicare you should qualify for state medicaid as supplement because my husband has both. I say when they are both grouchy i suggest u just go for a walk ...Get out and breathe...take your dog for a walk...even if they are sound mind refusing to see a doctor is a sign of them not willing to take the right approach to their healthcare. YOU can do this...think about going to church again even if they won't you owe urself that much and are they paying you to be ur aide. I live in Az they pay me to be his aide...since ur are or will be the survivor each of you should get something after u apply for survivorship benefits. Do not trap urself its not healthy and since they think they can take care of themselves then maybe you can find part time job to help you escape the drama. I have sister with a dominance issue and a brother that wont talk to me and a half sister who i barely know since she graduated college. I know dysfunction some of can be within the norm and some totally asshole wrong way. Seek help and give urself mental breaks...you can do it...you need to do it...prayers to you:)

Willow: I'm so sorry to hear your circumstances. WTF is wrong with this country when someone who has been a nurse for 26 years can't get health care. Listen, Willow, you don't have to explain to me about your dog or cat. I understand completely. I love my dogs. We lost one of our 3 dogs just before we brought my dad home from the NH. She was my love and it happened so fast that she was gone in a day. I still miss her everyday. I don't know what to suggest to you. Just sending my love. Cattails.

Hi Cattails :) Thanks so much for all of your support and suggestions. I'm on Disabilty and get SSDI. I was a nurse for over 26 years and always worked FT + usually a PT job on the side since I wasn't married or able to have children. Therefore, I make just over 'too much' with my SSDI to qualify for ANY Assistance. I've tried and tried and tried! I do have Medicare, but it doesn't pay! It's mostly useless to have it. I've called a few Psychiatrist/Counselling offices for an appt., and they've all refused me, telling me that they don't accept pts. who have "Medicare only" b/c it just doesn't pay. I can't afford a secondary insurance supplement. A group home really isn't an option for me either b/c I have a dog (who is my world!) and a cat who I love dearly too. I've had so much loss and I just couldn't bear losing them too. I'm not staying with my mom and s-dad b/c of possibly getting their house if/when something happens to them. I am an only child, but have 2 step-sisters. I used to be the sole heir in their Wills, but when my dad died (who I was REALLY close to), I moved from their house to Seattle to live with my half-sister for a while b/c my s-father was drinking and got very violent toward me for wanted to move. This angered my mom and s-dad so much so that they got rid of all of my belongings that were stored in their garage and changed their Wills. Now anything they have is to be split equally btw me and the 2 s-sisters. They also have a Reverse Mtg, so most of the house money will go to the Rev. Mtg. Co. The house will need to be sold and then what's left would have to be split 3 ways, leaving very little. Basically, I'm looking at being homeless if/when something would happen to my mom. I couldn't stay in this house alone with my s-dad if something would happen to my mom first. I have no other family, no boyfriend/husband and no children...and have no friends that would be able to let me stay with them for even a short time. At least I have my car...for now. I plan to do everything I can to keep my dog! I guess that sounds silly, but my pets are all I have that keep me sane. Another problem my mom just made me aware of a couple of days ago is that she's having major pain in her right groin, where she has a stent for PAD. She said the pain is so bad she feels her leg will give out and she'll fall. I asked her to please call her Vascular dr., and she refuses. She got angry with me, telling me that "that's why she doesn't tell me anything, b/c I'd ask her to go to her dr. and get checked." I'm hoping the stent couldn't break loose, and act like a blood clot that could go to her heart. I'm not s/p to care? Everything is so stressful here. I walk on eggshells all of the time. I've talked to my mom about them moving into an Assisted Living apartment, but she won't hear of it, and then I get in trouble for bringing "such a thing" up... I'm SO thankful for this group and everyone here! I really appreciate the encouragement, suggestions, support, friendship...
God Bless!
Kathy

Willow: Can you qualify for medicaid? Your not working, so income should not be an issue and you need medical assistance. Try to take that step to help yourself. Check into food stamps for yourself, whatever assistance you can get. Your goal is to get well. Maybe through this exploration, you can get into a support group that charges based on your income. There is help for people who want to do better and change their circumstances. Instead of approaching this from a perspective of your parents needs, start looking at it as it applies to your needs.

If your parents are reasonably sound mentally, then just focus on saving yourself. It's not ideal, but you do have a roof over your head. The more you focus on saving yourself, the more you may get to a point where you can leave their home.

Maybe you can find a group home to move into eventually that will help you get back into the mainstream. Don't give up on yourself. Don't think your life is over and you must continue to live in a dysfunctional family situation. Your parents have made their bones and are comfortable living the way they have always lived. You can't change that.

How long have you been living with them? Maybe you think that if you can hang in there for several years and they have to go into a nursing home, the house will become yours. That's a possibility, but you must measure the pros and cons. You can still take the steps I have mentioned. Take steps to help yourself. Best wishes, Cattails.

Thank you so much for your post! I've tried working wtih the Office of Aging and I do go to therapy when I can afford it. I'm basically un-insured so I can't get medical or emotional care for myself. My mom and s-dad both are mostly mentally sound and it's their house, so I can't make them accept any help or get evaluated. It's such a bad situation. I'm really scared b/c I'm exhausted and don't have anyone to see how bad the situation is here except me. No one visits them. I don't blame them. I just need help in a bad way.

Omg that sounds rough...maybe u should get a mental eval done on both of them and see if their insurance can send a respite caregiver so u can get a break. You need one but my situation is different.. I look after my husband and raise 2 kids. Yes the depression can get ya and if you have insurance seek therapy before u do harm to urself or them by accident which I doubt. Call the local council on aging and also call social services to see if they can make headway with ur stepdad. NH may be better for them both after u can see what they have and get some advice. You have done enough but sometimes it can break the limit...seek help before you go insane...Praying for you

Hi All. I'm having a horrible time coping with being the sole caregiver for my mother and s-father. My s-dad and I have never gotten along. My mom and him are married for 43 years now. I'm on disability b/c of chronic pain, yet they don't seem to understand that. My s-dad is very sexually/verbally abusive to any woman that comes into their house, and out of the house also. He's always been sexually inappropriate toward me until I blew up and told him I would not take any more of it from him! I try to keep the peace. My mom sees and hears it all, but does nothing. My mom is getting more weak, has a lot of trouble walking b/c of vertigo, weakness (that she won't do anything to try and get stronger)... I'm so frustrated! I've gotten to the point where I'm so depressed now and having frequent panic attacks b/c of the situation I find myself in. I feel there's no way out and my middle aged years are passing me by b/c I cannot have any friends come into the house, cannot date b/c no one else is here to care for the parents, etc... I certainly cannot bring any other female into the house b/c of my s-dad's very bad behavior. I can't handle being the sole caregiver anymore, but have no choice. They refuse any outside help. I'm living wtih them only b/c I lost my home and everything else when I got sick with multiple chronic pain conditions and musculo-skeletal problems. I don't know what to do and am am SO down and feel so alone. Any friendship, would help greatly. Also, just hearing what others are going through helps too. I know many others have things much worse.
Thanks,
Kathy

Well, I had one week. I'd written about my brothers recurring Prostate issue, of which he had to go get a biopsy for beginning of the week. My sister (Ms. Fixit), had called to tell me about it over a week ago. This is the brother who has a real
dysfunctional family. He & wife live together, but communication is zilch. They're adult children still live w/them. A few of them have their own kids now, and seem to be bringing them home to my brother's house.

So my sister took it upon herself that she was to go and have a talk w/brothers kid's; since they don't appear to be the concerned nor accomodating types. Up until now, they've been the takers. Well, Ms. Fixit did just that, and discovered that his kids weren't aware about what's going on w/our brother. So the oldest of the sons showed concern and said he'd go to the next appt. w/ him. GREAT! My sister then informs me, that she's going to take the day off from work and go w/them.
I stayed silent on the other end of the line at hearing this! I then, asked her......whether she's asked my brother: a) is your wife going? b) would you like me to go w/you & your son? Assume, assume, assume! Anyway, as I posed these ideas to her, I could tell definitely she didn't like it. I admit, it did take some courage on my part. My relationship w/my sister has been one of dominance, I realize. Many times, yes I admit... to keep the peace, I've said nothing. But this is getting OLD!!!!!!!! Later, low and behold, I find out that wife is going to the next appointment w/her husband. WOW, I was so glad to hear that! All I can say about my sister, is that she's a complete boundary crosser to the umpteenth degree. Now remember, she's living w/mom w/ALZ. My friends who I confide in, all tell me, that she's behaving like a complete nut! I realize she thrives on drama. O.K., enough! But I feel good that I didn't allow myself to be drawn into the continuing dysfunction. I read & reread Emjo's post, "Letting Go." Thanks again, Margeaux

Austing, 195, How are you?
You are always so supportive of people here.
I was trying to go back and read more about your story, I guess it's way in the beginning of the posts. But I do know we have some family issues in common.

Hope you're well! Hugs, Margeaux

Izzy, How is your son doing? I hope on this front, things are looking more positive for you.

Good for you, that you said no to your mom's cousin. This would have been difficult isn't even the word here. Well, I hope you and yours are doing better.
Margeaux

I am glad you told her she can't stay with you-you have enough on your plate as it is-what is she thinking.

Omg ...its been heck of a wk and to top it off my husband side of the family are showing their true colors when it comes to his sister. Her ex husband bless his heart married and loved her and taken care of her but things went sour and they got divorce now they are expecting him to take care of his ex wife which I can understand why he doesn't. This woman thinks the world needs to revolve around her. She call asking to stay with us and I told her I couldn't ...it be too much stress and she has no money. So I went off on her son n daughter explaining that her mother is extremely ill and needs placement. Yet at the same time I let them know they do not bother to call or say hi to their uncle/brother my husband . Tomorrow I finish the rest of the paperwork for hubby's LTC but its been mostly quiet and where did ya all go?

i got one for hubby his own fb and no one posts on there not even family so its a mystery to me. I am tired but I had taken a small nap but just waiting for my kids to go bed...hubby is doing something i dunno what but glad he is moving around but taking it easy...I just love my small family they make me feel warm n cuddly.

Happy Sunday everyone! Hope the weekend has been a time of needed rest and relaxation.For those of you who several family members you need to keep up to date and find it hard to make all those phone calls etc. I found a solution for my family. I created a private group on facebook with all the family. I post updates about health issues regarding my mom and my sister. Other facebook friends can not see the posts which is great because I don't want my general friend list knowing personal info. Everyone is updated and can respond to the posts. If you have disagreeable members who want to start trouble in the family group, you can easily remove them from the group. It works great for our family because we are scattered all over the country.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, take a bubble bath and relax because you deserve it!♥

burned.. you have the perfect name.. "burned" is just what I feel.. These last few days have been draining.. mostly emotionally.. I remember days when I was working 16 hr shifts and I was never this "burnt-out".. My husband cannot comprehend when I tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house and go to work.. just to have conversations with people that dont include problems of some sort.. talking to dr's.. and repeating the same things over and over again to my mom.. I dont blame her for this new person she has become but I will admit it does get the best of me many days.. and as many of us have said.. "if we could only get a break once in while".. I would welcome even just a couple hrs. just to me..

We found out my moms cousin (who has been more of a sister relationship to her) , Is now in a NH.. She is not handling this well at all.. se calls here crying.. se is in a horrible state of depression.. Infact she asked if she could come stay w/me since I am home and her daughter works.. well I couldnt get "NO" out fast enough!!.. Im sure if I did not have the serious issues with my son I would of probably said yes.. but I have to put him first.and that is not so easy as it is.. When this whole situation came up with moms cousin, Mom took this also very hard.. she sobbed and begged me to never put her in a NH.. she kept repeating how scary it would be to live w/strangers.. I will say "it broke my heart" to see her.. this woman that was always so strong now like my child.. and her whole life in my hands.. Ive tried to put myself in her shoes.. and think how I may feel not knowing what the future holds for me.." will someone get tired of me".. So now I know after seeing her and how it took me so long to just calm her down.. I could never put her in a NH.. I know there are some very nice ones.. (and in no way do I down anyone who chooses NH care for their loved one).. but for my mom she would die.. and I would never forgive myself.. I dont know how Im going to do it.. I really just move through life lately as a robot.. I see my mom some moments of the day somewhat like she use to be.. then other times she cannot remember if and when she last ate.. One day at a time is all I can do.. and for now.. my son has to come first..
I do often wonder.. What God's plan is for making life so difficult this past year.. There must be a reason why everyday he adds yet one more thing to the pile of problems.. I tend to try to analyze every situation.. and I know that is why I feel God has some kind of plan for making life so difficult..

I wish everyone a beautiful, blessed weekend!

Well burned, we are all in a fog just because, haha! I'm not making fun of you, just all our situations♥! My sis called the Alzheimer's Aid Society and there happened to be an attorney there who answered my sis' question: "How can we get our mother diagnosed when she refuses to see a neurologist?" The attorney said we would have to call the police to do a welfare check.If the police find her to be unable to take care of herself they will force her to go to the hospital where a neurologist will do a thorough exam. If she is found unable to care for herself then we can take action such as placing her in long term nursing care since we both have to work. The attorney also advised sis that we would have to get conservatorship when she is declared incompetent. This is an expensive process that I disagree with because my thoughts are if mom is declared incompetent and place in a NH, why would we need a conservatorship? We already have DPOA so wouldn't we still be able to advocate for her under the DPOA? Please advise if anyone has info one this.

Burned: I'm glad you found your wallet. Thanks be to honest people who find something and turn it in for the owner. There is a little angel looking after you. I'm relieved and happy you got it back.

well tonight went smooth with hubby except son is still up and daughter is sleeping...as usual boys getting into stuff...of course my husband doing some lite stuff to help me out but i am more concerned about his rest. I got nearly everything finished for the renewal of his home care plan just need the award letters from ssa so I can move on to the next step. Monday I fax my payroll in but still got to mop the floor and do laundry.. the excitment never ends not even with this wierd head cold I have but what can ya expect when ur half in a fog and not with it.

Margeaux, thanks for asking about my wife. She is biting at the bit for that hand to fully recover from the surgery. Her back pain and right foot pain have made it tough for her to get a good night's sleep lately. Thus, she is still rather dependent on me to do a lot of things.

I hope that everyone has a nice spring weekend!

Everyone, I don't know where this week went. It flew right by, and I just wanted to wish everyone a Wonderful Spring! Spring is a time of rebirth, planting seeds.
So in the spirit of Spring time, let's try to sew/sow, (not sure which one) both are good, of positive change so that we may grow and invite fresh energies into whatever it is we are doing in our lives. Que bella la Primavera! Margeaux

Jessebelle,

Where are you? I'm just wondering, since I'm well aware of the transitions that occur after someone has passed away I hope that you are taking care of yourself first and foremost of all, then hopefully the care of your mom is a bit calmer for you. Send you love and lots of light. Margeaux

Cmagnum, How are you and your wife doing? Has she made some progress as a result of her recent surgery? I hope all is well with you also. We all know here you are a jewel! I agree w/others here that, "Where we would all be w/o this thread!?
Thank You! Margeaux