Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I think that, as a well grounded person, you should talk to the nursing home doc, remind him/her of the documents and trust that has been given to you and at least suggest that a move would not be in your mom's best interest.
If the doc decides otherwise, then I understand your position that you will not over rule it and will let the chips fall where they may. Eventually, however, you will need to do everything over again, put your mom back in the nursing home and possibly your step dad too, but it is your choice, do it now or do it later, or don't do it at all.
Do you think that your step dad's care giver honestly feels that your step dad is correct or possibly she just wants more hours and income which will result from her having both of them at home?
I am not talking about you having a discussion with your mom or her husband. I am just suggesting that you bring your intelligence to the attention of the nursing home doc. That's all you can do.
She said she was doing this, because of the near to non-existent relationship she and my brother have between the two of them. We are very thankful that his biopsy came back negative. But today he had a procedure to open the blocked area. Throughout all of this, my sister tried to push some guilt buttons w/me. I've called my brother and given moral support. But I don't feel I need to get involved as my sister has chosen to do. I couldn't believe it, sister went so far as to call up one of my brother's doctors and pose as his wife to get some info. from the doctor. Anyway, Cmagnum, if you read this...so this has where I've become the broken record w/my sister and just telling her what I'm able to do in this circumstance. But I'm staying real strong on this one! Margeaux
Margeaux
Much love!
Kathy
I don't know what being in the situation like yourself must be like. But Izzabella also has given you great advice about the doctor's. When we had a very difficult elderly aunt who was verbally and emotionally abusive to many in charge of her, I used to advise my sister to be more in touch w/her doctor's, and unfortunately my sister became too sucked into the emotional side of it and didn't use these kinds of tools. Things became unbearable up until the time of her death very recently. But possibly if you do this, you could also be hooked up with Department of Social Services, and maybe they could help you also. Try to do some searches also, with info about seniors and aging in your area. At least if you begin to find services that could assist you, you never know, you could find help. The important thing is also, is not to think of this as a situation of that you needed a place to stay. No matter what, these two elders sound as if they really need you. But even in this scenario, please seek some help also for yourself. I too understand about your dogs. I have two doves. Our pets are our little spiritual partners to us, and no less in times like these. It's good that you have them.
O.K., well I send you lots of love & light, and a great big hug! Margeaux
Just a thought. Love, Cattails.
Willow-- I so understand your feelings towards your dog.. I have more then one! And Ive often said "I like my dogs much better then most people I come across"!! .. I know it is on mind if you were to find a shelter of some sort they may not welcome your dog also.. But I know some of them do.. Please look into ones in your area.. you cannot live like this anymore.. this way of living is beyond stressful.. its horrible for people who are suppose to love you to treat you like this.. I know your health is not very good.. but stress also plays a part on how you are feeling.. how can you feel good on any level living in this Hell? This is just an idea-- But I would privately call your parents primary Dr.. I would tell him the situation.. Especially if there is a danger of your mother falling.. And then I would explain to the Dr that your S-dad is a threat to you and quite possibly other women because of his sick twisted way of treating you.. Bottem Line Willow.. Its time to fight.. for you!!.. Their primary will have to offer you some help.. you were a nurse (as I was) the Dr cannot by law turn his back on the saftey matters you will bring to his attention regarding your parents..
This all may sound really "mean" but really its not.. You cannot sit back and allow your s-dad to treat you this way.. and you cannot leave it up to your mother if and when she wants to involve outside help.. Can you imagine what your life will be if your mother does break a hip?? And since she would refuse a NH that will be up to you to take care of her.. and even if she did go into a NH as you said you cannot be alone w/your s-dad.. You need to let someone know of this entire situation and I would begin with their primary Dr.. He may get things going.. You have to start somewhere.. I dont see this all getting better.. it will get worse if you leave it in their hands.. and if God does reach his hand out and they both get placed somewhere.. you will not have to leave that house right away.. meaning in the meantime you can figure out plan B-- Right now take one day at a time and make that phone call.. Remember you have all of us here praying for you!!
God Bless!
Kathy
If your parents are reasonably sound mentally, then just focus on saving yourself. It's not ideal, but you do have a roof over your head. The more you focus on saving yourself, the more you may get to a point where you can leave their home.
Maybe you can find a group home to move into eventually that will help you get back into the mainstream. Don't give up on yourself. Don't think your life is over and you must continue to live in a dysfunctional family situation. Your parents have made their bones and are comfortable living the way they have always lived. You can't change that.
How long have you been living with them? Maybe you think that if you can hang in there for several years and they have to go into a nursing home, the house will become yours. That's a possibility, but you must measure the pros and cons. You can still take the steps I have mentioned. Take steps to help yourself. Best wishes, Cattails.
Thanks,
Kathy
dysfunctional family. He & wife live together, but communication is zilch. They're adult children still live w/them. A few of them have their own kids now, and seem to be bringing them home to my brother's house.
So my sister took it upon herself that she was to go and have a talk w/brothers kid's; since they don't appear to be the concerned nor accomodating types. Up until now, they've been the takers. Well, Ms. Fixit did just that, and discovered that his kids weren't aware about what's going on w/our brother. So the oldest of the sons showed concern and said he'd go to the next appt. w/ him. GREAT! My sister then informs me, that she's going to take the day off from work and go w/them.
I stayed silent on the other end of the line at hearing this! I then, asked her......whether she's asked my brother: a) is your wife going? b) would you like me to go w/you & your son? Assume, assume, assume! Anyway, as I posed these ideas to her, I could tell definitely she didn't like it. I admit, it did take some courage on my part. My relationship w/my sister has been one of dominance, I realize. Many times, yes I admit... to keep the peace, I've said nothing. But this is getting OLD!!!!!!!! Later, low and behold, I find out that wife is going to the next appointment w/her husband. WOW, I was so glad to hear that! All I can say about my sister, is that she's a complete boundary crosser to the umpteenth degree. Now remember, she's living w/mom w/ALZ. My friends who I confide in, all tell me, that she's behaving like a complete nut! I realize she thrives on drama. O.K., enough! But I feel good that I didn't allow myself to be drawn into the continuing dysfunction. I read & reread Emjo's post, "Letting Go." Thanks again, Margeaux
You are always so supportive of people here.
I was trying to go back and read more about your story, I guess it's way in the beginning of the posts. But I do know we have some family issues in common.
Hope you're well! Hugs, Margeaux
Good for you, that you said no to your mom's cousin. This would have been difficult isn't even the word here. Well, I hope you and yours are doing better.
Margeaux