The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie, your brother was raised kind of like my brother, although mine wasn't a sports enthusiast. My brother just seemed to get the glory for being male. The gender thing plays real strong in our family. I guess parents just don't know what they are creating in this thing called family, whilst doing it. Our dad had a family before he married my mom. So we also have some half brothers and sisters. We've never been very close to these siblings. But as we became older we were invited to a few weddings as they were getting married. There are two brothers from that family that were trying to establish a relationship w/my dad. They were now into their twenties. But I too remember that especially one of them, who was the one who was more affectionate, at some point when I wanted to get to really know him better, he started to give me the signs that all that was probably going to happen through his wife at the time. She wasn't exactly the friendly type either. I gave up also, since I thought, Oh boy, I'm going to have to get acquainted w/another stranger to get to the other one. Interesting how we women get wedged, placed, used between people in relationships, isn't it odd! Ha, ha!

But anyway, it's seem that you have a great attitude in terms of this brother. It's like you see what's before you, and you deal with it. That is totally admirable, and I think very realistic. This is how I try, and I do say try to look at the dysfunction that surrounds me, because if I don't, they can drive me nutty! O.K. going for my second cup of Joe! Margeaux

Judee I would start putting up boundaries first have her spend some time in her room-she does not need to be constanly watching you-you have a right to be alone when you want to be-some nights have you have her supper alone so you and your husband can be alone together-hire someone to stay with her so you two can go out on a date together-it will get worse if you continue to allow 3 people in your marriage take your space back and let her knoe she is a guest not part of your marriage-could she live in AL place since she can care for herself-suggest that to your husband when you got married she was not part of the deal-let him deal more with her and you get a life outside the home -maybe volunteering for some group-you have a right to be happy-it is not all about her. Nothing will change unless you make some moves to make it happen-you need to rescue yourself.

THANKS SHARYNMarie,,
No they werent coming to remove my mother in law she dont want her she put her into a nursing home in Nov. My husband being youngest & just agreeing with them like his mom was to get therapy they said but we brought her home 20 days later after her begging us to Which My Husband & I had promised her in the hospital anyway This sister and other two siblings agreed come to find out this sister really wanted us to bad because her mom was going to have to be changed to medicaid and that means audit on her which this sister had been spending her money & didnt want that and yes after her moving in and finding that out My husband and his other sister became POA and I never thought to call them myself & the daughter that came with her today went outside with me & our daughters she told me her mom has called them on her & her sister so I am calling THanks I didnt even think of that..My mother in law has althiemers dementia she knows us all. But she had colonostomy surgery n Oct . Then got it reversed Feb. and its been alot on her but This sister has never thought about that its like have her call me ...Then she asked her daughter before they came today to txt me and make sure the other siblings werent here or Home health care Because of your advice I brought her n living room and her therapist came then they came like 20 min later when the girl left she brought me the paper to sign & said my SIL was so rude she left she said soon as she walked in she covered her moms legs with blanket while she was doing leg lifts so she just rather come tom.... wow Turned out okay My husband was in garage where I told him to stay unless he heard me scream he said he was suprised I didnt have to...He stands as He is done with her because of the way she has did there mom...And he isnt as nice as I am but I didnt even look at her Then she went to car & started honking like a nut she is for her daughter and grandaughter to hurry so... thanks for advice deeply appreciated...

tbailey~I am not sure I understand. Are they coming to remove your MIL? What is your husband's stand on this. All I can suggest is to have some family members there that will support you. If they are coming to cause a problem, call the police if necessary. Do you or your husband have DPOA? Call APS yourself, see what they say. If your MIL is capable of making decisions, they can't remove her unless she agrees. You don't have to open the door to them either. If they are just visiting, bring your MIL in the livingroom where their conversation can be heard by all that are present. By doing this, others will witness what your MIL's wishes are. I would make sure you have other family there during this visit. Good luck to you and I hope all turns out ok.

Judee~ You said your MIL is narcissistic and she sleeps, sits and watches you all day. Is she critical of what you do? How has she put a wedge between you and your husband? I am not sure what to say other than to put up boundaries. Can you take her to adult day care for a few hours during the day so you get a break from her?

Cattails~Thank you and you are right, it is his loss!
SS~ It is life changing taking care of our parents. Your siblings will have to deal with it in the end as you said. My heart goes out to you because when you never get a break, the stress and burnout can wear a person down. I hope you get someone to come in, even if it is just a few hours a couple days a week. It would allow you to leave the house to do something for yourself. Check into adult day care for a couple days a week also.((Hugs)) to you!!

okay people Im always reading your alls post well Im with you all ....Taking care of Mother in law since Dec. The oldest daughter come to find out had been spending her money forever she is a NARcissitic for sure once money was taken from her she was done with us all even her mom she has her daughter call me and say if I dont have her mom call her she calling adult protection blah blah and my mom n law dont ever feel good and dont like calling people and she hasnt been to c her including a 5 day stay at hospital,,,, so now her daughter is bringinging her for visit today. ugh her daughter just called and said they will b here at four and her mom said make sure her sister or brother dont stop and no one from home health b here CONTROLLING Crazy woman Please I need some advice its only 10 am here and im already dreading 4...

My husband and I are taking care of his 95 year old mother who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 8 months ago. (No biopsy was ever done, so we can only go on the doctor's word.) That's how long she has been in our home. My husband is 75 and I am 72.

We do no literally take care of her -- she is still capable of taking care of herself. She has no nausea, no constipation, no Depends or pads in her pants, no heart attacks, no strokes (ever in her lifetime), no amputations, no wheel chairs, etc. She goes up and down our stairs. Since she is capable, we let her be as independent as possible. We let her make her own breakfast and we make dinner. During the day she sits, sleeps or just watches me. She has put a wedge in our marriage and I'm ready to divorce my husband because of her. That would make her extremely happy I am sure.

She is narcisstic and knows everything and is right about everything.

I have only touched the tip of the iceberg and telling you a fraction of what has been going on. The situation will never change between her and her son. It dosen't matter to him what I think or say or how I feel about anything. All that matters is that his mother is safe and with us.

I need help in the worst way. I talk to friends, but if they have not experienced this they don't know what I am talking about, so I don't feel they really understand the dynamics of what is going on.

Please help me find help before I lose it completely. It helps so very much to talk to people who really understand where you are coming from.

Thanks and God bless. Judy

Oh Sharynnarie, you didn't offend me!! Don't you worry about that. My skin is pretty thick by now!! LOL I was just venting and explaining. For many of us here, our stories are similar but always a little different too. I'm just tired of all the nonsense and never in a million years did I think I'd find myself taking caring of my parents all by myself. It's been a life change for me and my family. Thank God for my husband who loves me dearly. The other two deadbeat siblings will have figure out for themselves how they are going to emotionally handle my parents passing(s) when that occurs. Not my problem. My conscience is clear.

Have a good day everyone.

-SS

Sharynmarie: You have a good, kind and forgiving heart. Not having you in his life is your brother's loss. Cattails

SS~I am so sorry for offending, angering you. I only wanted to present a side of things that some may not think about. I understand your anger. My eldest brother (lives in Montana) is 8 years older than I. As a result he was always an adult to me. Because of the dysfunction, abuse,etc. every child in these kind of family structures play a role, and he was the "Hero". He excelled in sports beginning in grammar school and continuing through high school. He was very handsome as he inherited the darker skin tones from our GGgrandmother who was Cherokee Indian. By the time he was 25 years old, he was a manager of chain grocery store here in California (New Deal Markets). We lived in a small agricultural town where sports are highly valued. My parents, especially my dad, received lots of attention from people as a result of my brother's abilities. In my dad's eyes my brother could do no wrong.Without going into all the details of my childhood, my brother moved to Montana in 1977 (his wifes's home state). He disowned all of us. I tried two years ago to reconcile with him but he wants nothing to do with us. I think he may have a lot of my mom's personality disorder as he seems to hold a grudge against us for not keeping in touch with him when he moved to Montana. The reason I didn't was because I it was never him who kept in touch with us, it was his wife. We wanted to hear from our brother, apparently he felt he was keeping in touch with us through his wife. Not the same thing!! We wanted a relationship with him and he was the one who put up the boundaries. Yes, I have anger towards him for this. My siblings and I didn't abuse him. So there he sits in the Montana wilderness isolating himself from his siblings. He is only 11 months older than my other brother, they shared a room growing up, he ignores him as though he doesn't exist. He has never come to visit since he left in 1977. I don't expect him to change even after my mother is gone. He lost his only son in 2002 from a head on collision and did not let us know about it until the day of the funeral so none of us could arrange to go. He is a selfish sibling who received lots of glory in his youth and apparently stills considers himself the center of attention, which I won't give to him because as I told him 2 years ago, I don't know YOU and would like to change that...fell on deaf ears. I hope you can bring in some healthcare workers to relieve you so you get some down time for yourself because you do deserve it. Again, I apologize for offending and angering you♥!!

Thanks Sharynmarie, It's not that "it is too hard for them" to see my parents aging or deal with the problems, they simply do not WANT to. I've been doing it all by myself for three years, not knowing that when we moved Mom and Dad here, that the other two would just disappear. They helped a little bit with the move and cleaning out a house of 53 years, but after they were settled, the siblings vanished. When I asked for help in Oct of 2010 because I was nearing a breakdown, one said "I can be of no help to you because I do not have access to their finances." The other said when i asked if he could come for a few days every few months, said, "That will never happen." So, unfortunately, I had to stop communicating. Why should I be the reporting agency? They do not call me or email ever. They do talk to my mother on the phone but that's it. So, no, I wouldn't be interested or feel obligated in any way to set up a facebook group so I can ease their minds. F'k that! Bitter? You bet....

My eldest brother lives in Montana so he is no help, while my other brother was diagnosed last year with Usual Interstitial Pneumonia/Fibrosis (non fatal). He is undergoing treatment with high doses of steroids. In addition, his 36 year old step son has stage 4 liver cancer and recently under went a 5 hour surgery at Stanford to put in shunts. His MIL was just diagnosed with lung cancer is under going radiation/chemo. I only keep him updated on our mom because his plate is full. He is fully supportive of what we do, I don't ask for anything more from him. Yes it must be difficult when you have siblings who can help but refuse. My suggestion would be to only keep them updated. What I did was create a private group on facebook that is only family. I update everyone through that group. My brother in Montana is not in it, but his wife is so she passes info along. When you have family members who won't help and are just waiting in the sidelines to get their share of the inheritance, that is frustrating and maddening to say the least!! My brother who is ill, told me that he gets to emotional and angry dealing with mom. I accept that because not everyone is equipped to deal with caregiving. There are people who just can't relate to elderly people with patience. To give you an example: my husband's grandmother passed from Alz. When she was placed in a NH, my husband could not go visit her because it tore him up too much. He wanted to remember her the way she was before. Yes, this was selfish of him, however, I came to understand because I know my husband is a good man. He and my brother have been honest with their feelings about it where others may not admit it because they are ashamed to say it. I don't know if any of this applies in your case Heart2Heart or SS. You could try having a conversation letting them know you understand it is too hard for them and see how they respond. If you know your siblings well and it is because they just don't care, then I would only keep them updated and don't expect anything else from them. You are doing your part by updating them through email. If they never respond that is their problem. I suggest email because it less personal especially when dealing with siblings who don't care. Enjoy your day♥!!

Hi Heart2Heart,
I'm with ya girlfriend! I have a brother and a sister and neither do anything to help me take care of BOTH my aging Mom and Dad. Dad now in a nursing home but I have to do it all, all the paperwork, the finances, the groceries, the meds, the doctor appts, church, haircuts, shit, the list goes on....I won't bore the rest of you as you've heard my story all too many times before. I've asked for help from both and both said NO! One just wants their money and the other is just lazy....I have days where I hate them tremendously, and other days that I know putting my energy into such negative thoughts is very damaging to me so I "don't go there." It's hard to do that but it's a survival technique. Hang out with us and moan a bit. It feels good!

Luv to all!
-SS

Welcome to our group Heart2Heart. You will find useful information here from great people going through similar situations as yourself!

The above was suppose to be a link to using dogs to assist people with dementia. Sorry it didn't work out.

Margeaux~My sis doesn't do 360's, she is however a Polly Anna. She views life through rose colored glasses. As a result it takes a little longer for her to grasp the truth!

Something new: https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/--i7LiI4Hvjo/T2OE2oosgbI/AAAAAAAAAV0/ZwcioAEVfs8/s1280/2012-02-23%...

I went to my mom's this weekend to relieve my sister, she went out of town.
So when I arrived, the caregiver had been there all day with mom. My mom suffers from these terrible allergies, and had this for a very long time now, way before ALZ.I
I suffer from the same allergies as my mom. For awhile now I've had to become a food detective of sorts for myself, as I'm trying to address this, if I don't it manifests as bad sinus condition. I've in the past tried alerting my sister to this fact. But she is not one to really follow what I'd consider a healthy eating plan. So what this means is, mom is at her mercy in terms of diet, and of the caregivers. My poor mother had very bad heartburn Saturday evening. She'd eaten some breakfast and a light snack in the afternoon. Before the caregiver left me in charge, she showed me what my sister apparently had bought so that this was to be mom's dinner; I'd just have to heat it up. When I saw what it was, it by no means is something a 91 yr. old woman w/consistent heartburn should eat period. It was completely acidic and had some strong chili sauce on it. Oy vey!! Well mom, slept pretty much into the evening. I started to prepare some millet with a stir fry of vegetables and some tuna. I figured this would be a much lighter dinner for her system to digest. Well it was 730, mom was still asleep, so I ate. She didn't wake up until 8:45, so I thought it would be best for her not to eat at that hour. Besides she was still having heartburn and wasn't hungry. She does take a product I won't mention by name that has aluminum in it, and seems to rely on these pills So right now Im having an issue about the quality of mom's eating. Everything she currently eats is like poison to her system. So when my sister returned and I tried engaging her in a conversation about this, her question to me was whether I'd given her those pills. I don't understand why some people don't address the root of what's happening instead of just reaching for a supposed cure product, that doesn't do that anyway. O.K. have a good evening all. Margeaux

We're glad that you found this thread too, Heart2Heart, welcome. Austin is right, you'll meet some great people here. Six years is a long time to care for your mom without help from others. Please tell us more about you situation when ever you like.
Take care, Margeaux

Thank you for your support... Glad I found this thread (subject)...

Heart 2heart welcome at least I think you are new to this thread -you will meet really great people here who understand.

I have 2 'non'-brothers that never call or talk with me... their only sister who has taken care of OUR mother for the past 8 yrs... It's been really difficult to say the least... and, the 'non'-help has only made things a lot more difficult and 'unhealthy' for her and me... really 'sucks' (as they say)... pray, pray, pray... all the time...

Sharynmarie, I so identified with your post about your sister, and how you approach your mother! My sister is constantly pulling out all of the stops on me.
She says one thing and will go on and on about it, etc., then she completely does a 360 and does something totally contradictory. She's always has had this quality of keeping one guessing what her next move is going to be, not to mention her secretive nature. YIKES=CONTROL! She too is trying to somehow capture something w/mom she's never going to receive emotionally speaking, the warm and fuzzy feeling. Especially not now w/mom's ALZ. But there again she thinks she can even control that outcome. Well, good for you that you worked through this and can see through the smoke and mirrors, we all know there's plenty to do, and who has the time and energy for these games! I wish you well w/sis, and the meeting with the attorney. Stay strong! Margeaux

Cmagnum, How are you doing today? I've been wanting to write to you.
I hope things are getting a bit better for you. Is your wife feeling a bit better also?
This is a lot that you've been dealing with. Hopefully, if your wife feels better, maybe this will also change the vibes a bit in your household. But yes, if you have some sunlight out your way, I forget if it was Cattails or Sharynmarie who suggested you sit out there. Do you have some good music you can put on. I find that many times this can change the whole mood. Well anyway, I just want to send you some good vibes in hopes that today is brighter for you and yours!
Love & light, Margeaux

Selfish Sibs, It must be difficult to be dealing with your situation of having a sibling such as yours, that doe not offer any help at all. In our family, we do have and have had this since my sister & me do have two brothers. My sister has been living in the same household w/mom and my recently deceased aunt. But, oh well, what are you going to do w/the non-participants? They come visit, but they'll never relieve my sister, say for a weekend or other things as such. I am very grateful for the caregiving that my sister also does, and I'm sure Sharynmarie is also. But given their personalities, we also have our challenges before us dealing with them too. In my case I'm dealing completely with a control freak sister. She too has tons of history before her, concerning lot's of parental money having gone in her direction throughout all of our lives, even way back when our dad was alive, since she was always the favorite daughter of his. In my mom's situation she wasn't, but in our culture it counts tons if you've had children, She has two daughters, I've have none. So there are plenty of politics going on here also, that I must face constantly whilst I engage over there w/sister and mom. Anyway, I just wanted for you to know that although sometimes we think that because you do have a sibling participating, one can't know what that sometimes can also involve.

Lol I tried not to whine but its the only way i can express things and sometimes get mistakenly taken the wrong way. I just found out my youngest niece is in a children hospital in AK with severe pneumonia and something else. If i get my sister from being bent out of shape I would help her thru this. Things are going ok...I hate sometimes you got to cut the ties that bind in order to survive..i feel some remorse from blocking my sister but I cannot help her when we have personality conflicts...just the way it is. So far everything is ok but no extreme dysfunction has shown up except for my daugher being extra sensitive lately and I am trying to get her to talk to me. I still need to take her out for cantonese/chinese once I get the chance I promised her...my son still trying to understand what makes him tick...if not its the usual bills due like the electric which I have to make a partial payment and pay my card and my cell phone n the rent...always the same old...in other news hubby is gonna see a pumologist ...i think i misspell that horribly here soon and 2 months he sees the cardio and then between the lung doctor and seizure doctor we should be fine and then lastly the stress test...and see if he can handle the surgery which is being discussed so keep us in ur thoughts and thanks again for such wonderful support.

Just to clarify, I do not think any of the posts are people whinning, it is just my hang up when it comes to sharing what is really bothering me♥!1

You are welcome Cattails!! I read the posts but I admit I don't always share alot because I don't want to be whiner!! You have posted many things that are common sense. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful week ahead!!

Sharynmarie: I feel honored if anything I have said has been a help to you. Thanks for your kind words. They made my day. Cattails.

Hang in there, Sharynmarie --I think you have your head screwwed on straight and you're doing a good job balancing your emotions.I'm getting better at that, just not there yet cause I know my bi-polar sister is going to cause unwanted and unwarrented trouble for me down the road and I have to be ready for that. Have a good week, honey!

-SS