The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I hate how so many in healthcare see a confused older patient and immediately conclude dementia. Hospital delirium is a well known thing.

https://www.healthline.com/health/hospital-delirium#symptoms

Codeine is an opiod, but one of the oldest (100+years), and was developed as the least addictive and least ‘high’ producing opiod. I take it frequently for Scoliosis thoracic back pain, and have done for years now. It works for pain and also sends me to sleep. I am not addicted, and if I have no pain I don’t take the tablets. I know it can be abused, but to be honest I can’t see how or why!

CW, my sis is not on any opiates other than morphine. Is codine (so) an opiate and is not as strong so my sis can get back in her normal brain function. Right now they are saying she has a dementia which we know she does not. I will ask my niece tomorrow if they have her on Ativan or other anti anxiety drug that may be contributing this this state of mind she is experiencing.

Nice to have a forum to express and vent. I am of a family of four, the younger sister. I moved back to my parents’ home a year and half ago, to rebuild myself, but also knowing that when the time came, I would be the primary caregiver. Both my parents recently took ill and have both been in and out of hospital. My older sister, who lives in Hoboken, NJ, has been here past month and half, and she does help, particularly with the driving. I manage all their Doctor appointments, medications, housekeeping, helping them with OT, PT, and make sure the bills get paid (with either one of my parents there or walking through the steps). My Dad was recently diagnosed with multiple melanoma, I dialed 911 to send him to hospital thinking it was a stroke. Nope, he had emergency brain surgery to remove a large mass. My mom has has pneumonia, autoimmune liver disease, now affecting her kidneys and vasculitis, diabetes and a whole slew of competing medical issues. It seems when we try one med to fix on thing, it makes something else worse ( diabetes, high blood pressure).

Here’s where it gets sticky. I am the family scapegoat. I haven’t had the clear, straight success path that my older sister has, but at whatever I’ve done I have worked so so hard. I just am really bad at office politics and diplomacy, and I have an overdeveloped sense of justice and very high ethical standards. Honesty is important to me, and given a history of very bad past experiences, I am not inclined to trust people until I have thoroughly vetted them. This discernment I have developed has saved my life, and probably my parents.

Here’s the rub: my sister, though very successful, is a narcissist. As an aunt says “She provokes me, and I retaliate”. I lived with her in Hoboken for a year and half which was a terrible mistake. Beyond our bickering, she has physically attacked me in the past three times. At her narcissistic rage moments when she looked like she might again or scream at me to get out of the car, I have told her point blank I will not hesitate to call the police. It has gotten a lot better, but I think that is because I stand up for myself, and am sure to have witness when possible.
I am more concerned that her primary interest is on my parent’s finances, making sure she has POA when they die, and her motivations. As I said, it has improved greatly, but mainly b/c I said point blank, that if my parents lose competency due to health, I would not hesitate to call Social Sevices to request Case Worker or Guardian Ad Litum to protect their interests.
Add to this that my family has been undergoing severe identity theft, harassment, gang stalking and I am 100% sure insurance fraud as the same rounds of people show up at the same times at the Dr. Offices, Hospital, etc. My Mom’s last hospitality (that followed her to rehab as he has permissions there) prescribed her a new blood pressure med which elevated her creating. The kidney specialist said she lost 50% kidney function in 10 days, and were it not for an outpatient Dr. appt that result in her readmittancecto hospital well… by the Grace of God we caught the kidney decline in order to begin treatment. There are some other questionable decisions and incidents by medical staff, combined with the ongoing harassment/ gang stalking/organized crime effort in my neighborhood (all true, I have proof and plenty of photos), thinking these people tried to push my parents into the grave to steal their money.
As the harassment, etc started for me prior when I lived in NJ, sadly I have no doubt that my sister is connected. Has provided info to these people and aided them, most likely have probably harassed her too. Here’s the challenge. I report everything I can, multiple identity theft reports to FTC, IC3, and attempted about 5 times to report to police but was told they would not investigate it (organized crime =payoffs). Have been living in an altered state of hypervigilance and trying get bedt care for parents and protec

C willie, all test are showing the gangrene is not in the bone or bloodstream. Her bloodwork shows no infection. My sister was a function person before the surgery.

SharynMM - I understand what you are saying about the opiates but it's my understanding that gangrene is excruciatingly painful, I wouldn't encourage any action in that direction unless they have a good alternate plan in place. And I'm sorry your sister is going through this, hopefully the surgery is successful.

Coming back to say - ask about a nerve block.

Trying again. My sister has gangrene in her toe from diabetes. They did a peripheral artery by pass to try to save toe on Friday. My sister is in her own little world calling out for our mom and not a functional person. My brother who had the double lung transplant was given phentinal (sp). He had a sensitivity to it. My sister is now in her own little world calling out for out mom. They have her on morphine which is similar to phentinal. My niece at crying not knowing what to to. I am helping to empower her. I was given permission to talk with my sisters dr….not saying I’m an expert. I suggested they get my sister of the morphine. She was a very independent person 5 days ago. It’s is a problem with pain medication you are giving her.

Glad to have this thread. Been here for a few years now. I just saw the title of this topic and thought I would share an aspect on my mind for a while.

I occasionally visit my parents. I am family scapegoat, and have very little contact as it is better for my own peace of mind.

My Golden Child sister lives 30 minutes away and never visits them. Mom and dad have given my sister so much of their time, attention, love and money. Anyway, her son's wife had a child two years ago, which was mom and dad's first great-grandchild. They bought her a darling stuffed teddy bear, that now is sitting in the same place on a chair each time I visit. I asked my dad about it last year, and he said they bought it for "Kris" when she was born but cannot give it to her because they never see her. It is difficult for my parents to drive any distance.

It makes me incredibly sad each time I see that bear, and reminds me of the dysfunction that will likely remain unresolved even upon my parent's death.

Vlhrdh, your profile info says your mom is 63 and has Alz. That seems a very young age to have a dx of Alz. If your mom is not competent to make her own decisions, then you wouldn't be able to put a new POA in place. I assume from your description that you have not been listed on her financial accounts, and again, if she has Alz, you can't get those permissions added now.

You could hire an attorney to help you file for guardianship of your mother, or you can fill out the paperwork yourself and appear in court pro se. The case would be heard by a judge and there is no guarantee that you would be given guardianship, but that's the option available to you after a loved one has a dx of Alz. It would help a guardianship case to show that you are the primary caregiver. Would your brother contest your gaining guardianship?

Hope this info is helpful. Others may have more thoughts for you.

All of Mom's money is tied up in brokerage firm. She is only allowed $995.00 per month and sometimes $1000. My brother has had a trust placed on her account. in the last year we can't make the ends meet. I presented a durable POA in Aug. They have ignored me. The problem she gets paid on the 1ST Dad'd pension. They are refusing to allow even $200.00 to get us by.
I am left unable to care for her properly when fridge is empty and she needs her adult underwear. I am her daughter and care for her 24/7 365 without pay. I find out brother has a trust and it leaves me out completely. I'm not sure how to resolve this. No one has talked to me, I am being ignored. Can't we ask for a small boost in her allowance? It is of course her retirement I don't know why she is treated in this manner. Any ideas?

Ali,

Very well said. I agree with you 1000 percent!

Isn’t it odd, how family dynamics carry over? This happened to me too. I did process a lot of my childhood experiences in therapy.

When my therapist asked me specific questions I was able to honestly answer them without any interference from my family.

My parents had no idea how to handle my brother’s problematic behavior. I felt more abandoned and you felt attacked. My parents were into ‘keeping the peace’ crap! Well, mom was. I think my father would have handled it differently had they been able to present a unified plan.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. They both did some things very well and failed miserably at others. Most of us fail sometimes before we get it right though.

NHWM, another part of it is that it's a lot easier to forgive when family isn't still actively abusing you. And unfortunately, during my caregiving years, there was a lot of fighting, yelling, and stress. So it became fresh again and took me right back to how I'd felt as a child/teen. An example is when my older bro cornered me (literally) in a side room and threatened to hurt me during my grandmother's wake, which set me into tears in front of everyone, as I'd already stressed out for weeks without much sleep giving GM hospice meds around the clock and then planning her funeral after she died. It's just ugly stuff I wish had never happened. And no one ever seemed to take my side in any of it or stick up for me, for whatever reason.

I told my mom last night that I felt like my family was a pack of wolves attacking me from all sides during caregiving. That is truly how it felt. I hated all of them for it, especially because I felt trapped in such an extremely thankless situation. If I hadn't found this forum, I'd be a lot worse off, that's for sure.

Forgiving is always better for us than harboring resentments. But it's much easier now that abuse is in the past, rather than ongoing, and when I can see that people have changed. And, as we all know, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and often extreme boundaries, distance, and even cutting family off completely are necessary for some who come from hateful, dysfunctional families who've never broken the cycles or matured enough to regret their mistakes, apologize, or behave differently.

And sometimes some of our family members are just broken. I accept that my younger bro and dad are in that category. I don't hold them accountable for their behavior in the same way I do others.

Ali,

For what it’s worth, I don’t know one single family that hasn’t been messy at some point in time. No one has a perfect family and if they say that they have, they are lying!

Fortunately, many people evolve and break cycles of a painful past so they don’t pass these traits on to the next generation.

Many people do realize that they were influenced by former generations and are remorseful now.

Depending on the circumstances it may be time for others to forgive their actions.

One thing is for certain, it’s so confusing to us when we are children. As adults, we are able to see an adult perspective as well and realize that our parents were following their only frame of reference.

As I've been thinking about last night's conversation with my mom, and after reading MattyWelch's comment, it's striking how much we teach the younger generations how to handle their stress and anger when they're young. I think parents are more aware these days about children's psychosocial development, but I know that people fall back into the models of behavior they're used to.

My older bro hit me and put his hands on me all our lives. This didn't stop until I was 35 or so. For all I know, he might do it again sometime when he's mad at me. He should have been reprimanded and taught a better way to express himself when we were kids! But my mom was busy and stressed being a single mom, and she really didn't discipline our behavior much, and when she did, it definitely wasn't in a constructive way. Hitting-as-correction of others' behavior (I'm not talking about spanking, but hitting in the moment), and striking out in vicious anger, was what had been modeled to my mom, and she allowed it among her kids, and did it herself, too.

Bro and SIL didn't let their sons beat on each other, and definitely not on their younger sister, so my nephews/niece don't even think to have these kinds of interactions with each other now that they're older. But older bro's mind has been "trained" to think that when I'm displeasing him in some way, he gets to show that through hitting, physical intimidation, or being nasty.

Observational learning. Reinforcement and punishment's role in continued behaviors. I've learned a lot about these things in the past few years. It's a lot easier to change behavior and set people on a better track in handling their emotions/expressions when they're young.

You can't transfer your stress onto others just because they're the closest targets and can't escape. And too many families do this to each other. That's sad. And once that pattern is established, it takes intention and work to change those habits. If parents create anxious, stressed home environments for their kids, then kids will naturally resent their parents and are likely to repeat these expression behaviors they've learned in their formative years.

*I keep using the word "humanize" to describe how I'm feeling but lord knows my family was already plenty human to me. lol. I'm feeling deeper empathy and compassion for everyone.*

They still frustrate the heck out of me. Last night I learned about different looming crises for some of my immediate family. Same old patterns of not dealing with their problems. For one thing, my younger bro has become a hoarder like my mom/dad and is being evicted. I was offering him help a year ago (and continued for a few months to check in on him and try to offer solutions) to address these issues and help him get rid of cats, cars, and stuff he's accumulated. He's like my dad in that they are "non-functional." What I mean by that is, that younger bro has never been independent of family help. He and my dad have always needed someone else to get them a job (that they inevitably lose), live with, or pay their expenses. I don't understand their issues, but it's not just due to laziness or entitlement. There's something "off" with them and some other family members who rely on others. My mom pays my younger bro's rent and is the only one helping my dad out by taking him to dr's appts and bringing him food. I hate to see her taking on so much but that's her choice. She doesn't have much means herself and she's in her 70s with no retirement plan, which causes me to worry.

And it's so frustrating to hear about it. But. That's their lives and choices. I'll try to support as much as I can while keeping myself out of it.

Thanks for letting me get this all out here. I appreciate it.

Ali,

Years ago, a relative (cousin) of mine went to the cemetery to kill themselves. She had a tragic life and shot herself in the graveyard.

It’s devastating to hear of suicides. I’m sorry for your loss.

Interesting discussion of family dysfunction. My 10 year old grandson is having a hard time dealing with his mom, my daughter, as she goes through her stressful 40th year. She’s unhappy with her job and other life situations (her husband is very nice, but not a mind reader), and takes it out on everyone else. My grandson has anxiety and depression, anyway, and told me he thinks it’s because she yells at everyone so much. I commiserated, of course, and told him that he can throw it in her face when he grows up, just like his mom throws her childhood in my face! I told him I took out my frustrations on his mom, and she’s still throwing it back in my face, and my mom was really hard on me, but I can’t talk to my mom about it. It was a very interesting but rather sad few minutes discussion. I wish more parents would just say you know, I was so stressed. I am so so sorry that I took it out on you. It would make all the difference to an adult child. I’ve apologized many times to my daughter, but I don’t think she sees that her behavior and hurtfulness are mirroring my behavior. Well, maybe it’ll stop with my grandsons! I hope so.

Wow, Ali! So good to hear about your talk with your mom!

Tragic about the relative's suicide.

And I'm so glad your studies continue to go well.

Something else...

I learned a lot about my family history tonight. I learned that a death at Christmas time just last year that I had attributed to natural causes was a suicide. An older male family member had gone to his parents' gravesite and killed himself there with a gun. That's incredibly sad and tragic to me.

And, modern DNA banks plus some family members' ancestry-tracing hobbies have turned up other "dysfunction" stuff my mom, and even her mom, didn't know about. It was a lot for me to learn about in a 3-hour conversation, plus the emotions of being able to discuss so much of my history with my mom and hearing her tell me she's sorry for the role she played in my unhappiness. It was an emotional conversation.

It left me with this feeling that everyone is just messy humans! And everything that's happened has to be viewed in the context of when and how it happened. Learning more about my family's dysfunction has done a lot to deeply humanize them and give me compassion for everyone. Everyone growing up in dysfunctional situations is a victim, to me. Life will never be perfect, of course, but getting your young start born to messy and contentious folks, and growing up in hardship -- that isn't easy. And it can create a pattern.

Hi, all. I have good news and I wanted to tell the dys thread about it. I just got off the phone with my mom, after a spur-of-the-moment 3-hour chat. Some of you may remember that I had a breakthrough moment with her about a year ago. My heart was softened after a long talk where she shared about her childhood, teens, and 20s with me. I've always known her childhood wasn't great and both her parents were and continue to be very hateful and abusive to her at times.

In our talk tonight, she shared a lot more about the younger stages in her life and it's all helped humanize my mom to me in a new way. I understand better that my mom was hurt by her parents and circumstances, and she repeated a pattern of abuse with me. I have compassion for her and for other family. I am grateful for this page turned, this new chapter in my relationship with my mom.

The one thing I kept saying to her tonight, and she agreed, is that no matter what has happened in the past, and the cycles of abuse, hurt, and dysfunction that families inflict on each other, the important thing is to recognize that we can no longer continue to be cruel to each other. And we must apologize and validate each other's pain.

My mom continues to hear me out on things that have happened and apologizes every time. I told her tonight about different times during caregiving when she would drive into town and cause a hateful firestorm as soon as she walked through the door. I got to tell about things she said when I was sick and emotionally broken during caregiving, and badly needing care for myself, and she and other family brushed off my illness as me being dramatic/crazy/manipulative or that I deserved it somehow. Or, they would frame my circumstances as I was so destitute that I was fortunate "to have a place to live for free." Hah. As if any live-in family caregiver hasn't paid for their keep and them some. As if I wasn't always independent from a young age for decades before caregiving.

I was accused of every bad quality during the caregiving years. The hatred and contempt I felt from family was heartbreaking, on top of being as sick as I've ever been, on top of trying very hard on behalf of my grandmother and father in messy and difficult situations, and at the expense of my own well-being. My mom apologized and sympathized for every scenario I brought up tonight - and I brought up quite a few things!

I resented them all during the caregiving years, and for good reason. But resentment is a poison, and forgiveness is a medicine. I'm happy to continue forgiving. And I can laugh (and cry some) about it now and she says she's sorry, and it's just so dang healing.

Both of my parents have good hearts, or at least not rotten ones. Neither one will ever be a "safe space" for me to completely let my guard down, so boundaries are a must and I will always continue with them. As mom and I discussed the family history of cruelty, I told my mom tonight that no one ever gets to be abusive of me again. And I know that I mean it. I will walk out, walk away. I was too weak and trapped during caregiving and it's a shame that that seemed to bring out the bullying qualities in my family. But it's over. And I want to leave it in the past and continue healing.

My MS in ABA is going well. I contacted local senior care places and asked about behavior services they have in place. I was conflicted about doing required supervision hours with the typical ABA clients because I wanted to do behavioral gerontology but it's not that common, and it's taken me time to figure out how I will do it, but I have a plan. I can get remote supervision for local senior behavior services. My mind always goes back to my grandmother, and I think it'd be nice to turn the poison of a dysfunctional caregiving situation into medicine. Gerontology is growing and I have an interest in it, borne of experience. Isn't that cool?💜 I have a lot of work to do in front of me, but I'm on the path.

SophieQ, I started to write to you, then found that WayToMisery had said most of it already.

It’s difficult to provide suggestions and follow this because you posted it on a general discussions thread – ‘the-caregiver-dysfunctional-families’. That thread gets a lot of posts on very different topics. I’d suggest that you copy your first post, and post it again as a question. Then people can answer to you, follow your own responses, and give you a range of suggestions to consider.

Hi. Right now, I am fine. I haven't heard from family asking me to stay with aunt. I haven't contacted aunt, since she chewed me out for stepping down as POA. It's nice to sleep at night right now. How are you doing?

@burnt,

I totally agree. If caregivers are hired by an agency . The agency will totally spell out what services that they will have the CNA , nurse etc do in their home . Not only for liability and safety for all , but also to avoid the family adding ridiculous demands , or like in your case be stuck on Thanksgiving .

Even a caregiver hired privately by the family should spell out what they are willing to do and not willing to do to make sure it is a good fit for all concerned . Some families will try to add extra chores such as scrubbing the family shower or toilet . That’s a housekeeper job , unless the caregiver is willing . But it should not be assumed by the family that they can dictate whatever they want .

My post retirement job is that I work part time as a nanny. I am hired privately by families. I spell out right from the get go that I am not the family house cleaner , and family cook . Of course I make meals for and I clean up after the child I take care of . I clean the high chair . Clean and put away whatever I use in the kitchen . Wipe down counters , sweep , clean spills etc . I will empty dishwasher, I leave the kitchen in better shape than I find it . I clean up toys any mess etc after the children . The common areas of the house and the child’s room are straightened up picked up and better than I find it . I have no reason to go in other rooms such as the master bedroom , so I do not . I am willing to do anyone’s laundry and fold it . But I do not scrub toilets and showers and I do not make dinner to have it ready for the parents when they come home . I also am not willing to drive children for liability reasons . I care for infants up to 2 years old at which time the families then place the child in daycare . There are some nannies who are willing to do all these things at a higher pay rate .

@Isthisrealyreal

I think that with 25 years in caregiver service to more people than I can even remember, I'd say that perhaps I know better how a successful caregiving situation works than you do.

It is done on the caregiver's terms whether it is paid care or not.
When I say "caregiver's terms" I don't mean that the caregiver does not do the job and provide the services they are hired to do.

On the contrary.

A paid caregiver's terms may be that they will not tolerate abuse from a client. That they will not remain with a client or in their home for one second longer than they're being paid for. All wages owed paid in full and on time. Or that they will not work in filthy and hazardous conditions or try to meet client care needs in a home that is not equipped for them to safely do so without risking their own health and safety.

An unpaid caregiver has a right to demand these terms and more if they're working for free.

I learned early on in caregiving positions that if certain terms were not met by the agency, a client's family, or the client themselves they would not be cared for by me. You forget I am the caregiver who called the police and sent the elderly client with them when her family tried to sneak away for the Thanksgiving holiday and figured that I'd have no choice but to keep her with me. They were very surprised when they found out their elderly "loved one" was in police custody with an APS social worker finding emergency placement.

So yes, even paid caregivers can set terms.


Guilt-tripping, pathetic performances, attention-seeking behaviors, or pleading family members do not stir my sympathies.
Terms are agreed upon by employer and employee. If they are not carried out, walk away.

The same flies for family caregivers too when terms have been agreed upon.
When they are not, then the other arrangements have to be made.

BC, you said, "The needy senior also needs to to learn the lesson that the caregiver sets the terms of how it's going to work. Not the care recipients."

I have to disagree with this statement, these terms only work when it is an unpaid caregiver. When one is hired, they do the job they hired on for, they DO NOT make the rules as an employee.

@SophieQ

Waytomisery is right. You cannot be your mother's entertainment committee.

Your parents have consistently refused to plan for their old age needs because they simply assumed that their children would be
their old age care plan. They are not alone in doing this. Many, many seniors expect their adult children to assume responsibility for every need they have in their old age. It's perfectly fine with them if their adult children give up their lives, jobs. homes, families, spouses and friends.
So long as mom and dad are taken care of and being catered to.

It's time for you and your siblings to lay down the law here. Stop doing everything for them. Either they accept homecare to meet their needs and take them on outings or they do learn to do without.

If your father wants to drive himself to his grave trying to handle your mother, that is his choice. If he refuses to accept outside help that's on him, not you.

As for your mother who's catered to by everyone and in turn treats them like an employee.

Behave like an employee then. Employees quit jobs and walk away.
You and everyone else is going to have to let them suffer for a while. Things will have to get worse before they get better.

I was a caregiver for 25 years ans have seen every family dynamic. I can say from experience that the worst thing a person can do for seniors is propping up a delusion of false independence.

There's no shame in someone needing help and care. Those who do need it must learn to accept that they do. The needy senior also needs to to learn the lesson that the caregiver sets the terms of how it's going to work. Not the care recipients.

My mother used to put on the same act as your mother. The acting like a poor, helpless child but expecting to be treated with adult respect and like an equal.
She learned quick that acting like a child means getting treated like one. You should try this.

Then take a step back for a while. Let your parents fail a bit then they will be more open-minded to some care possibilities.

SophieQ,

You should not be your mother’s entertainment committee . It’s ridiculous .
I would have suggested an assisted living facility except your parents are running out of money . You only have to make sure they are safe , have food etc . Anything else you do is gravy . I think you should cut back on the outings . You can bring them food ( from restaurants that they like ) treats etc when you visit and it doesn’t end up being an all day outing with so much planning .

Your parents sound exactly like mine . They will treat you like the obedient child they believe you should be . You need to set some boundaries . As far as everything has to be done “ just so “. Nope ! Those that need assistance need to be the ones that compromise . Perhaps your father like mine would be more reasonable in general , however he’s hogtied by your mother . You could try telling Dad some things without Mom around , to get him to see at least some of this is unreasonable .

You will not “ get your mother to mirror “ anything . She’s selfish and self absorbed , The dementia is going to magnify her already difficult personality . She has no filter or control anymore . It’s automatic. That’s what the doctor told me about my Mom .

If you can’t make any impression on your “ intelligent “ Dad about the care they will need going forward , and it comes time that they are needing more care than family can or is willing to provide …..unfortunately , you and your siblings may have to stop doing everything for them and “ let them fail “ Show them they are not independent . So long as you keep doing for them they think they are independent . That is what the social worker from my County Agency of Aging told me when my mother was not safe at home anymore and was not willing to leave her home to go to a facility . My father had passed on and my mother was alone with her dementia getting worse.

Good luck to you. It’s a long road ahead.

Its great to find this discussion here, thank you for raising the topic.
Not sure if my family is particularly dysfunctional, but obviously something is not right leading me to look up this discussion.

The dysfunction in our family I think is that we siblings never learned to assert ourselves vis-a-vis our parents. They were authoritarian and aloof. They talked of unconditional love, but in reality we had to be good by their subjective judgement to win their approval, and in my mothers case that depended on her mood.

As they became older, and we gained independence, experience and some wisdom, our parents, still convinced that they knew best about everything, refused our requests to prepare for old age, resulting in some terrible and entirely avoidable, costly, mistakes.

They are in their mid 80s now and running out of assets this year, cannot manage their own affaires. They need our help all the time, but only to do things for them just so. Our protests are ignored - it’s their life, their money, etc, we are to do what we are told.

Our mother behaves like a child but demands being treated like a respected adult. She exhausts everybody, especially our father. He does his best to deal with her, but it’s wearing him down.

Yet - our father wont take our advice to take a day off from her; to set boundaries for his own sake.
He won’t talk to us about how to best plan the finances; how to plan for their continued care as they get frailer.

I take our mother for outings, visit, do all the stuff she wants me to do, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s like she’s just testing me, checking if she is really loved, how much of me I am willing to give her.

I know her preferences, needs, limits, and plan our outings accordingly. Asking her to contribute to the planning is futile, her answers are “oh you just make the plans, you know what I like”, or she’ll say she doesn’t know: “just do what you like and I’ll come along” Yet she will invariably throw a wrench into my carefully customized plans:
-wanting to go a different route, then not recognizing anything and getting anxious
- walking too far until she gets back aches that ruin the rest of the outing
- insisting in D-tours, missing lunch and getting hangry
- claiming that she’s done this a million times and is bored, or she has no idea and is confused
Every time she will say ‘please only do this if you really want to’, and ask ‘did you have as much fun as I did with you today’. She looks at me hard, so I have to make an effort to act and lie convincingly: “Oh yes, it’s been fun, mum. Yeah wanted to do this with you for a long time, so glad we finally did this’.
It makes me want to puke. When she touches me I bristle.

She insists our father come along to the outings, he cant refuse, and I cant keep him from joining us. So I moderate conversations between a hard of hearing 3 year old (mother) and a soft spoken intellectual (father). At the level of ‘I spy with my little eye’ it’s sort of ok, but it breaks my heart that this is all my father now has of their time together.

And it breaks my patience.

Everyone bends over backwards to please our mother, and she just treats everyone like an employee - with arrogance and fake kindness.

How can I get my mother to mirror the effort we are putting into making her life enjoyable? To work on her self-reliance? To try to be a better supporting partner to her husband like she used to be? And if it’s impossible for her to ditch her laziness, how do I deal with her?
How can I know what part is real dementia, and what part is her real personality? And does that even make a difference?

How can I get my father to trust his kids’ sound judgement?To confide in us and let us help to plan his last chapter while he still can do so on his own terms?

Is it wrong to expect them to plan their life in such a way as not to impose on ours, and to do that with our input?

Vicarious

Please get out of this caregiving situation. You are young and should be working towards a job you want to do. This caregiving is depressing you. Perhaps you could contact your County or local Area of Aging for help from a social worker to help you navigate finding other arrangements for these people .

Vicarious, what sort of work did you originally intend to find? What sort of work do you enjoy? How does that compare to your current role?

What's the timeframe for this role?

I loved working parttime in a bar.. course I was younger etc, but people were mostly happy, friendly, thankful. I would do that over 1:1 caregiving for a grump any day.

Vicarious, welcome.

Please read this:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest