The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

u565425 ~I haven't responded to your most recent post because I support what Margeaux, emjo, and bookworm said to you. You still have not clarified anything on this thread so "everyone" could help you.

Roseisabelle~It is frustrating when your siblings won't help. It is typical of the men in families to not help with ailing parents. Very similar to husbands that won't help with raising children other than financial support. I can't help but thing it is largely to the fact that men just don't know how to nurture in that area of relationships. I'm not excusing their behavior by any means but sometimes you just have to let go and detach from the sibling. I hope your brother gets the paperwork filed to remove the lien against your parents house. Take deep breaths!

Good Morning Emjo,

I'm really sorry about what the city did to Gordie's tree.
I can also understand your attachment to it, since he brought it home at such a young age.

My dad used to be a very good hobbyist gardener. His garden was beautifull
His specialty was grafting trees. Well he'd planted this lemon tree, which produced these cherry tomato sized lemons, which were delicious. After he passed this tree was constantly producing the lemons, and my mom who was not yet in the ALZ condition she is today had someone chop it down. I could not believe she would do that. But then again, for the insensitivity she's show over the years, I could. It made me very sad and very mad at her. Possibly you could, as Shaynmarie suggested save some of the needles, or another part of the tree and re-plant it.
I have some seeds from those lemons.

So your sister is trying to connect with you? Isn't it interesting when our sisters try to connect with us, after they've created so much havoc? My sister does this by inviting me for lunch, I call it trying to reel me in. She is financially more secure than I am. So sometimes she'll do the invitation, picking up the tab, (which isn't real often), as I don't feel comfortable with this. But then I realize that, as she did a couple days later, when we went w/mom. She'll mention a bit of a dig comment to me, as when I said, I'd be out to visit mom soon, and she said "O.K" It was the tone in her voice as if saying, yeah sure. This totally turns me off. Truth be told, I really feel that part of she taking mother this next week to the family get together is to do show and tell for herself in front of our cousins. I think my sister takes her view of herself in the mother role way too seriously, but it's really clingy, and to me her motives many times are about the control and co-dependency. It's funny too, because while we were growing up, my sister did not at all like our mom, and criticized, still does every now and again for the dysfunction. I got along better w/mom. I however knew something wasn't right, and once I could claim some kind of independence from all of that, I did. I'm really the only one in the family unit who has ventured away from the family.
Well, now I'm going to use a phrase my cousin used to say, "they lay their tender trap down," so what we must be cautious of is not to get caught up in it; the emotional detachment.

I looked at the lighthouse.com, and the DONM websites.
The lighthouse web has great explanations. I did read some things from DONM,
WOW! They are both great websites! I want to learn more about the narcissism, because I'm beginning to get the feeling my sister may have some of this also.

Well, I'm happy that your mom is quiet for now. Hope your infection clears up.
Much Love, Margeaux

Margeoux - ha jan Brady! What is the equivalent of jan but instead of Marcia Marcia marcia the center is a crazy old narcissistic father? Kimbee and Joan, the suggestion to graft one or more new trees is really beautiful. 1234austin, thanks for your suggestion about an elder attorney. I would have to pay for it of course. Sharynmarie personality disorder versus alzheimers - how hard for her family members. I second lildebs suggestion that respite care and other forms of caregiver assistance be more of a priority. I wonder where the us sits in relation to other countries when it comes to resources for elder care. Its a political issue-voucher voucher voucher (rhymes with Marcia Marcia Marcia). Burned, praying for peace of mind seems like a very good idea.
At the doctors appointment We learned that my mom has pulmonary hypertension as well as pulmonary fibrosis. This means more doctors appointments but also the hope that my mom can get some treatment for symptoms. My brother who lives here offered to go in on their air conditioner, which is movement. It was good that I went home because my brothers wife came the next day and saw how sick my mother is now. My father gave me a lecture about how I need to start a business in my free time and I felt so angry at him for being so insensitive and stupid. I asked him why he wasn't doing so (or getting a job) since he and my mother may have to move due to lack of funds. I am so angry at him that Whenheis speaking I feel a tightening in my chest and forehead and I am not breathing right.
-Rose

I wish I had more sound bites to rattle off but I do not and does anyone know for sure they are trying to cut home care outta the picture....then prez and congress etc is the biggest dysfunctional family I have ever saw and tho I use to be a voter so darn glad I do not mess with charade anymore....btw my sil called to check on my hubby her brother and I got chewed out for it. I mean I have let shit go but she is the only person that gives a damn and he can't let things go...I mean just tired of the negativity and discontent in his family. I am praying for sound piece of mind....peace i mean as in silence as in leave me alone type deal...I am glad were all growing thru the garbage that is in our lives and learning to accept to the point of saying I do not give a fuck...it keeps the bad vibes out...wishing ya all nice wknd.

Sharynmaire, I love that movie n yes, Scarlett O'hara was a classic. Now, I am going to have to dig in the closet for that tape. As for your sister, u have tried to be open n helpful n if she is not willing to meet u half the way then u need to move forward for its not worth getting sick over when u get upset n angry. I hope u two have a great family vacation in Idaho with your daughter n sil. It may be snowing their by October, br.... Have fun...; )

Rlamborn, sorry u r not getting any help or support from family members n that seems to be a lot from what I am reading. However, on my mil side we cannot trust some of her kin folks n she only had one son n he tries sometimes for the rest is on me. On the otherhand, we have some things in common for we both live in GA I have felt like the perosn that is living in prison in r house at least until I was able to get some help from Alz.org in my local area. I think the governement should really offer more resources for people who are caregivers to have some sort of 'respite break.' That way, the person that is ill can live longer, healthier and happier while at home n the caregiver would be less stressful n in better health. That would take a huge chunk out of $ from the Medicade for it would prevent those that r ill to be in the Nh sooner than needed or at least I guess. Well, I got off topic. woopsie!

Margeaux, 1,000 n climbing for what in the world is a 'functional family.' Ha! lol. Drive safely n try to relax as much as possible.

Austin, how r you doing today?
Anyone I have not mention your name, I have not forgotten about y'all n I hope everyone is able to have some sort of peaceful weekend as much as possible.

Today has been a bad day for my mother. She is overwhelmed with mail she has received regarding her LTHC, she received new checks for the new checking account she opened but now doesn't remember closing the original and opening another one. She is very confused today about everything. Alzheimer's is such a cruel disease and yes I feel pain and so much compassion for her but at a loss of what I can do to help her when she won't let us. She is blaming the bank for closing out her original account but refuses to go to the bank with me to discuss it. Personality disorder vs. Alzheimer's. I wish I could console her fears, give her a hug but she would only push me away. I am going to go paint and take my frustrations out on the wall. Hoping everyone has a great week end and enjoy the time with your loved ones♥!

Roseisbella welcome aboard -I am so sorry for your families' dysfunction -you are right to feel so upset-it seems to be a pattern of our elders not planning for their old age-I do not know if youand they could get an Elder Lawyer involved-but if it is possible it would be a help for your parents to get them started on solving their problems-your brothers do not seem to want to be a part of the family at this point so you may have to write them off as for providing any assistance-keep us posted.

Hi all, erands to day, while my helper here; totally wiped me out. I am slowly inching along. Joan: I luv the ideas for Gordie's tree. There is a propagation technique (grafting) that would also enable you to restart your dear son's tree from the existing tree. I'll look for a good website for proper directions and let you know in the next day or two. If the tree doesn't survive, you'll have another. I'm sorry it was damaged, so not fair. In the meantime fertilize it at HALF rate with Espoma Holly Tone-asap-before it really gets colder there. if no rain, water in well. Luv u guys, kimbee
Cation

Joan~Losing the tree is understandably an emotional loss for you. Maybe you could save some of the pine seeds and try growing an offspring or two. I hope you are feeling better soon. Take care♥!

Margeaux~Thank you for the advice about being cautious. I agree we cannot be the everything for others. I guess I put too much of myself into the relationship (something I have always done). I am setting boundaries with her. On the lighter side, it sounds like you, Joan, and me are in the Jan Brady (Brady Bunch) situation of where it is always about Marcia, Marcia, Marica, LOL! Take care and have fun at the meeting♥!

Hi all,

It so helps me to see this thread and to read some of the stories here. The themes of narcissistic peronalities using others for their own gratification, family members not communicating, taking advantage of each others money and time, and individuals having to make difficult decisions about their responses to these dynamics are helping me to tryandsee my own situation more clearly.

If I step back and see it, there are two sets of issues: financial and medical.

On the financial side of the dysfunction, my parents didn't plan for retirement, and my father has a long history of working for himself and not providing much economic security for the family. Now theirbasic housing costs total $1500 month and their social security payments are $2000, with no savings. It's terrible to see this. I have finally talked sense into my mother and am proceeding with housing applications to HUD and section 8. My father is resisting these efforts, which brings out so much anger in me. At the same time, a credit card company has put a lein on their home due to identity theft committed against my younger 30 yr old brother, who is on their mortgage. He is procrastinating filing the necessary paperwork with the lawyer to have the lien removed. I am so angry with him for his unresponsive ness to my emails on this subject. He actually lied to my parents and told them that the affidavit was filed but it is not.

On the medical side, my mom has pulmonary fibrosis. She just got out of the hospital where she had a lung biopsy. We will be fortunate if she is a candidate for a lung transplant; otherwise it will be a spiral into decline. I am experiencing significant grieving over her condition. I took care of her for a few days when she got home from the biopsy because she was throwing up and experiencing nausea. We got that under control and then I left. I've been back at my apartment feeling shell shocked from seeing her so ill. I drove the 2 1/2 hours back home and tonight will drive back to take her to the surgeons appointment tomorrow morning? Not until I get my hair done at 7 pm tonight though.

I feel so angry at all the men in my family. Towards my father for being unwilling to work and for not planning and for resisting the move to senior housing; toward my youngest brother for not proactively getting the lien removed; toward my brother who lives in the same town for being so uninvolved and leaving everything for me to do.

I have to go now - I have to go to therapy (no kidding huh). My appointment for meds is later this month. I think they will help with the depression and maybe with figuring out how to live healthier.

Thanks for reading. It makes a difference to be able to write about it.

Rose

Emjo, it sounds like the tree that symbolizes Gordie is also having health problems. When I went to Hawaii due to a gynecological cancer scare (turned out benign), I was so relieved. But prior to the surgery, I went to a radiology building where every visitors chose a rose from a vase when the checked out. I took that rose with me. When it was time to fly back home, I took a few petals to symbolize that trip as NOT having cancer. (We have a very high rate of cancer here.)

I was wondering, if maybe you can do the same with the tree? Take a thick branch and find a person who carves and whittle it into a simple object? Or get an unusual branch and just turn it into an unusual decor in the corner of your room or bedroom or wherever? If the tree has leaves, perhaps you can press it? (I pressed my petal and put it in my album.)

This way, you will have a PART of that tree of Gordie's...Just a thought!

U565425, it's been a while since I last read your post in June...which I admitted to you was way over my head. I noticed that you gave DETAILS in your Hugs to certain people. Unfortunately, when you do that, only that person sees it - not us, the Forum.

So, when Emjo or Margeaux ask for more details, please still post it HERE on this Discussion Dysfunction for everyone to see. This way MORE people sees the situation and might be able to comment other than Emjo or Margeaux.

I think, too, this is where the frustration is coming from. You DID give details, but it was done privately to ONE person, and no one else can see it. So it feels like no one is helping you.

Can you re-state the current situation to update everyone? ... :)

Hi Margeaux and everyone
missed your response to u565, Margeaux -sorry,
sisters indeed. Mine is now inviting me back into her life, and I know that is a ticking time bomb. Yeah! Come and visit so I can stick the knife in you, smiling all the time. I don't need it. Sig other doesn't quite understand, but that's OK. I have had a lifetime of it and don't need any more. Working on forgiveness now. Sharyn I totally understand your frustration and anger, and you too margeaux. Being used does not feel good, and that is what we are dealing with. Were you referring to the DONM website, margeaux? I winder if there is one for narcissisticsiblings.

u565425 -Sandi - thx for the hug and do come back and share. Some of us just didn't understand all you wrote. Not sure I do yet, but it is clear that you are in a dreadful situation. Glad you saw your dad. You may want to ask a question separate from this thread as to how to stimulate him, and make his time better. On the right hand side of the page in blue click on "Ask a question". There is so much experience here I am sure you will get some ideas. And do come back to the dysfun fam thread and vent and share. Some here may have some ideas on that too. Have you changed the locks on your house to prevent sis coming in? We have lots of experience dealing with dysfunctional family members.

In general I have been MIA as the infection flared up and downed me for a couple of days. Got it under control now. I really need to see the specialist again. I am just sick because the city bore a hole through the roots of a pine tree on our property that Gordie brought home from Grade 2. We planted it, and watched it grow over the years, and though his life was cut short, the tree kept growing. It is about 30 yrs old now. The roots are severely damaged right by the trunk and I don't know what will happen to it. If it dies it could be a danger to people and property -and I don't want it to die anyway -another loss - seems small but it is symbolic. It is like a memorial.

Distancing/detaching from dysfun fam seems to be the theme right now.

I am off to a therapist this afternoon re speaking up about my needs. I still find it difficult and tend to let things build to avoid conflict which I hate - .having grown up with continual fighting in my home. But I know that a certain amount of conflict is inevitable in a close relationship and the trick is ti handle it properly. Thankfully mother is quiet these days, but it feels like the calm before the storm, so I am cautious.about being optimistic.
gotta go -back later J

Sharynmarie,

I guess that sisters must be the featured dysfunction at the moment in our lives!
Wow, so your sister doesn't return calls, while she's relying upon you so much to become completely involved w/her life. This is not fair, but also manipulative. My sister does the very same. When she's having issues w/that daughter of hers, she wants me to be all ears. I've in the past become too much of the earpiece for her problems, she doesn't fix. Why? Because she's an enabler. After she's worked me up in the past, I also don't hear from her, the blow me off tactics. Recently, w/the story about taking mom to the cousin get together, overstepping boundaries, well I'm creating distance with her AGAIN!
Please be cautious about this aspect of her behavior. Even if things are quiet for you w/your mom, you may want to prepare, for the day they may not be. Remember, we cannot be anybody's everything in their lives. Take care of yourself. Glad to hear of your much deserved trip in October. Love & Light!
Margeaux

Good Morning Emjo,

How are you doing? I would like to thank you for that website you mentioned.
I've been reading many articles there. Lots of valuable information about personality disorders. It feels good to be learning more about all of this.
Thank You! Margeaux

U46526,
Hello, I just read your post about leaving this thread, since you didn't hear from any of us. I too, gave a response. But I had many questions about your situation, and asked you to elaborate a bit about them. I asked you also, as Sharynmarie did what DCF and what bonded out, meant. If we understand your situation better, then maybe we can respond in kind also. Margeaux

Hi u565425 - back on July 23rd both sharyn and I answered you, but we got no response back from you. As I remember you were wanting to visit your dying dad, but there were some problems - seemed very complicated, and some legalities involved. Wishing you all the best and hope you get to see your dad.

Well, I am kind of giving up on this forum - it seems like just a few people respond to each other and although I have a huge mess in my family, I think I only got one response from cmagnum.........guess it is back to therapy for me..........

Cmagnum thanks for the update.

195Austin,

Recently, I've been moody, i.e. road rage which meant identifying the real source of my anger in therapy today; feeling overwhelmed again, but overall doing better with my meds being adjusted.

Lildeb, Yes my mom I believe is on a few medications, don't really know how many, as my sister enjoys even being vague about this info., since she's the one in charge of her. Well, my sister is going to go w/mom, but on her own. Thank you for the support, really appreciated! Much Love, Margeaux

Cmagnum tell us how you are doing these days

I see that this group now has over 1000 responses since it was founded back in January of this year. It is great to see this thread doing well and that tells me it is helping those of us with some very dysfunctional families that make care giving even harder.

rlamborn, your feelings are understandable from dealing with a sick person like your mother. I don't think she is going to understand what boundaries are. I hope you can have a productive conversation, but I would include stating some consequences for your mother breaking these boundaries which need to be very concrete and clear. I've had to do this in my own family and it is not easy, but it is possible. Sometimes it brings change and sometimes it does not. Just know that you did not make your mother this way. You can't fix her. You can't control her. All you really can do is to chose a healthier path for you and your daughter regardless of what your mother chooses to do.

God bless us...my mother and I had a discussion today about boundaries with my children. I told her that I appreciated her love and support of my 7 yr old daughter, but that she was interfering with my parenting. She then went outside with a huge glass of wine and called my brother. I could hear the conversation as she told him that I never loved her and that my sister never did...I thought to myself...why the heck am I taking care of my mother instead of my brother if I am so inadequate. When she came back in the house, I could not help but tell her that I heard what she was saying and I then asked her under what circumstances would a child not love a parent.
I am feeling exhausted and more like a caged rate today. I am not getting support in any way from my sister and brother and they are older with no children in the home to raise. I am trying not to feel like a wrongly accused prisoner on the chain gang in rural Georgia, so I am hoping that I can have a productive conversation with her tomorrow.

Lildeb~The stress from my mother is quiet right now, the truth is I am having anger issues toward my sister. I know she is not well...I get that and understand it. I am tired of her blowing me off when I call her. She won't return my calls. When our mother goes off on her...who does she call crying??? When I want to catch up with her and her issues, she is not available because she to tired and sleeps all weekend. I suggest we meet at a restaurant after she gets off work...she is too tired. The next time I talk with her, she tells me about having dinner with a long time friend. Now I just not going to call her or email her. You get the jest of it. I need to deal with the anger I am feeling right now.
My daughter and son-in-law live in Idaho. We are taking a vacation from work to visit the first week of October. There are some things here I wanted to get done before we go to Idaho so when we get back, we can focus on the up coming holidays. I am bad at procrastinating, Lol!! As Scarlett O'hara said, "Tomorrow will be a better day." Then again, she was a classic NPD, LOL!!!

Burned, good for you standing up toward your sister n letting her have it, yes! I bet you feel better too. I am so happy for you that u have a part-time job as a teacher aide. I would cut the ties to anyone even a family member if they r causing stress for that can take a toll on u emotional n physically just because they have not been in your shoes. You don't need that mess n maybe she will grow up one day n realize what a great sister she has or not but don't lose any sleep over her. I hope u will be able to get back to your novel writing too n just be able to breathe n smell the fresh air.
Keepingmyword, You are in my prayers for all of us have been though a lot during r childhood n eventhough it was rough, u have to admit that u r a stronger person n u had to be very strong while growing up. Now look at u still trying to help what an amazing big hearted person that you are for caring. Just remember to stand your ground n don't let people run over you. You are such a sweet and caring person.
Margeaux, u keep your stand when it comes to your sister n don't take her crap. You rock!
Sharynmarie, glad everything is quiet up in Calf. Not sure or missed what the trip to Idaho but hope u have a great n safe trip of course u still have a few days. ; )
Everyone have a great night rest for I am going to try n try to start tomorrow a whole new positive day as much as possible. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Margeaux, just reading your post and I would stand my ground n do what 'You" want to do and not what your sister thinks. You mention your mom has AD n she takes lots of meds n I personally would not bring her unless I had too. I would go with my gut feeling. Good luck.