The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

U46526,
Hello, I just read your post about leaving this thread, since you didn't hear from any of us. I too, gave a response. But I had many questions about your situation, and asked you to elaborate a bit about them. I asked you also, as Sharynmarie did what DCF and what bonded out, meant. If we understand your situation better, then maybe we can respond in kind also. Margeaux

Hi u565425 - back on July 23rd both sharyn and I answered you, but we got no response back from you. As I remember you were wanting to visit your dying dad, but there were some problems - seemed very complicated, and some legalities involved. Wishing you all the best and hope you get to see your dad.

Well, I am kind of giving up on this forum - it seems like just a few people respond to each other and although I have a huge mess in my family, I think I only got one response from cmagnum.........guess it is back to therapy for me..........

Cmagnum thanks for the update.

195Austin,

Recently, I've been moody, i.e. road rage which meant identifying the real source of my anger in therapy today; feeling overwhelmed again, but overall doing better with my meds being adjusted.

Lildeb, Yes my mom I believe is on a few medications, don't really know how many, as my sister enjoys even being vague about this info., since she's the one in charge of her. Well, my sister is going to go w/mom, but on her own. Thank you for the support, really appreciated! Much Love, Margeaux

Cmagnum tell us how you are doing these days

I see that this group now has over 1000 responses since it was founded back in January of this year. It is great to see this thread doing well and that tells me it is helping those of us with some very dysfunctional families that make care giving even harder.

rlamborn, your feelings are understandable from dealing with a sick person like your mother. I don't think she is going to understand what boundaries are. I hope you can have a productive conversation, but I would include stating some consequences for your mother breaking these boundaries which need to be very concrete and clear. I've had to do this in my own family and it is not easy, but it is possible. Sometimes it brings change and sometimes it does not. Just know that you did not make your mother this way. You can't fix her. You can't control her. All you really can do is to chose a healthier path for you and your daughter regardless of what your mother chooses to do.

God bless us...my mother and I had a discussion today about boundaries with my children. I told her that I appreciated her love and support of my 7 yr old daughter, but that she was interfering with my parenting. She then went outside with a huge glass of wine and called my brother. I could hear the conversation as she told him that I never loved her and that my sister never did...I thought to myself...why the heck am I taking care of my mother instead of my brother if I am so inadequate. When she came back in the house, I could not help but tell her that I heard what she was saying and I then asked her under what circumstances would a child not love a parent.
I am feeling exhausted and more like a caged rate today. I am not getting support in any way from my sister and brother and they are older with no children in the home to raise. I am trying not to feel like a wrongly accused prisoner on the chain gang in rural Georgia, so I am hoping that I can have a productive conversation with her tomorrow.

Lildeb~The stress from my mother is quiet right now, the truth is I am having anger issues toward my sister. I know she is not well...I get that and understand it. I am tired of her blowing me off when I call her. She won't return my calls. When our mother goes off on her...who does she call crying??? When I want to catch up with her and her issues, she is not available because she to tired and sleeps all weekend. I suggest we meet at a restaurant after she gets off work...she is too tired. The next time I talk with her, she tells me about having dinner with a long time friend. Now I just not going to call her or email her. You get the jest of it. I need to deal with the anger I am feeling right now.
My daughter and son-in-law live in Idaho. We are taking a vacation from work to visit the first week of October. There are some things here I wanted to get done before we go to Idaho so when we get back, we can focus on the up coming holidays. I am bad at procrastinating, Lol!! As Scarlett O'hara said, "Tomorrow will be a better day." Then again, she was a classic NPD, LOL!!!

Burned, good for you standing up toward your sister n letting her have it, yes! I bet you feel better too. I am so happy for you that u have a part-time job as a teacher aide. I would cut the ties to anyone even a family member if they r causing stress for that can take a toll on u emotional n physically just because they have not been in your shoes. You don't need that mess n maybe she will grow up one day n realize what a great sister she has or not but don't lose any sleep over her. I hope u will be able to get back to your novel writing too n just be able to breathe n smell the fresh air.
Keepingmyword, You are in my prayers for all of us have been though a lot during r childhood n eventhough it was rough, u have to admit that u r a stronger person n u had to be very strong while growing up. Now look at u still trying to help what an amazing big hearted person that you are for caring. Just remember to stand your ground n don't let people run over you. You are such a sweet and caring person.
Margeaux, u keep your stand when it comes to your sister n don't take her crap. You rock!
Sharynmarie, glad everything is quiet up in Calf. Not sure or missed what the trip to Idaho but hope u have a great n safe trip of course u still have a few days. ; )
Everyone have a great night rest for I am going to try n try to start tomorrow a whole new positive day as much as possible. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Margeaux, just reading your post and I would stand my ground n do what 'You" want to do and not what your sister thinks. You mention your mom has AD n she takes lots of meds n I personally would not bring her unless I had too. I would go with my gut feeling. Good luck.

Thanks Joan, it sorta ticked me off to hear my mother say herself that she told my sister's (golden child) daughter that her and I do not get along, and that I say horrible things to her so that I do not appear on a good level with her, as my sister would be upset to think I may be in a better position than her. I see everyone as equal, but everything is a huge competition for my sister whom has to be ahead of everyone else, and even if you try speaking to her the whole conversation is about how perfect she is at her job and how everyone adores her, and how she is above everyone else. It is pathetic really, but she is narrcistic, so I just don't speak to her. My sister has not spoken or called our mother since Christmas, and as for Christmas it was my mother that phoned her or she would not have heard from her then...my sister has walked away when our mother refused to enter a home at her demand and sign over her house and all her money to her, making her in total control of everything, right down to choosing the lawyer. My sister wanted our mother to basically shove me out of everything. This situation is all too common in families so if our mother passed it would be a nightmare. At this point I am detaching myself emotionally for my own sanity and keeping distant.

Good Morning Emjo,

This question you had asked about re-connecting w/your cousins, it's quite coincidental, that I'm experiencing the very same issue w/my sister and my cousin that I w/ride with the day of the family history get together. I was somewhat tempted to call my cousin and tell her a bit about what I'm experiencing w/sister, but sometimes for the way my cousin also thinks, I do not think this would be wise on my part. Since I was a kid, I've felt that many times my sister's behavior has put me in embarrassing situations w/others. I didn't know how to handle it then, so I'm trying hard to circumvent this kind of intrigue. Truth be told, my sister has been close to this cousin. But recently there's been some behind the scenes drama brewing w/this cousin's daughter. I know my sister is jealous about the whole thing also. I won't go into that story though, as I feel it's not for this thread, and too convoluted. But I'm going to look up "triangulation." It feels as if this definitely applies here.

Happy Birthday Emjo.

Your mom's invitation, wow, it's an invitation for convenience's sake, I guess.
You've handled that brilliantly! I'm proud of you. You are exercising the emotional muscle. I'm having to remind myself to do the same. Much Love, Margeaux

Caregiver1963,

To grow up in a family and become a scapegoat has got to be one of the most unfair paths for anyone. You personal story, in particular I'm sure has not been easy for you.

Well, in terms of narcissism, you have come to the right place.
Many of us here are the scapegoats in the family. I certainly am one of them also.
Probably you being the quieter one who by your description does not enjoy the drama others in your family want to create, or not handle such dire situations, as you have had to endure, on account of what you shared. Shame on those family members first of all that have not evolved and have made you feel this way.

Last year my sister, (who has control issues), in our family has been the one selected to care for our mom, and recently deceased aunt. My aunt last year before she passed gave all of us so much grief. It could sound just like what you wrote about your family, the divide and conquer. But yes, I guess some of us handle it differently, given our personalities. When things became very rough over at mom's house, where my sister lives, I realize that in many cases it's the family caregiver's ideal to keep mom, their aunt out of nursing homes for their comfort. But honestly, after witnessing and sometimes being at the other end of my aunt's unpredictable bad behavior, I towards the end made the suggestion to my sister about inquiring about some other living arrangement for her. She too as you've written about your mom, was quite disrespectful/abusive. We even found out after she died, that on one occasion while the paid caregiver was trying to fix her hair, my aunt yanked the brush out of her hand and hit the caregiver on the head with it. But this caregiver never told my sister about it.

Anyway, as Emjo, has advised you to try to take some steps to protect yourself.
You're more than the noble person in your family for doing what you're doing. However, this by no means should translate into you being disrespected on top of everything You have a family here, your in my thoughts! Love & Light, Margeaux

Time to "bear my butt" as we say in recovery...
I am the first granddaughter of my maternal Gmother for whom I care for. She was an abused child with more secrets than I think id care to hear of them all.
She turned to her big sister for guidance and safety and together they worked on keeping the peace along with 2 or 3 siblings who were more independent and found their own ways to cope. Her Dad was an alcoholic, her mom a chief enabler and a very devote woman of faith. My Grandma started working for the air force at 16. She was also very very dependent on her faith and beliefs. She met a man almost 15 yrs older than her who was a sergeant in the force. He saw her need for attention and a father figure and then used it to win her over and she was pregnant at 19 so she married him to get out of her home situation and because she had to due to her sin and needed to cover it up. He ended up revealing that he was married prior and had 3 children from that marriage. The oldest was almost my Gma's age. He was a drunk and an abuser. (gee really? funny how that works..) they had my mother first, and 5 boys after. He abused the children physically and verbally and her only verbally. She stayed with him till her youngest was almost 18. She became her mother...trying to shield and protect the kids thinking that is what she was supposed to do as a good christian woman and mother. When they rebelled and got in trouble she'd get them out of it, she always cosigned every bit of the chaos they brought and gave every bit of her life to them keeping the youngest 4 living with her through to date one still here. two youngest died of the alcohol and drugs, that was the start of her decline in health. She had always been there for me the same way because of course my mother abused drugs, I had only a step father who was a drug addict abuser, so she tried to shield me as well. in fact in my worst crazy behavior when I was pregnant with my second child, I was addicted to heroine and when i tried to get clean i felt like the baby was having convulsions so she helped me wean down to a minimal amount instead so we didn't have to fear losing the baby...she paid for and took me to get the drugs. One of only millions of acts driven by guilt and shame that she didn't want to face. I really never expected to be alive past her and did everything I thought would make sure I was not because I hated living, watching such a loving woman suffer and couldn't understand how the hell this could all be reality and why was I too weak to stop any of it. I had promised her that I would be there to take care of her when she no longer could because I knew that when we got to this point there would be no one else to step up. Boy was I right...I was 4 or 5 years old when I made that vow.
Now, I'm 46 yrs old battling still with my mental conditions which are very debilitating and I have no way to get medical care at the moment obviously I care for her 100% 24/7. My mother still bringing her drama and crap to the table when ever she can, all the remaining boys either left and don't care or call at all...and her oldest son living here still draining her dry by bleeding her joint bank account for 24 months worth of ssi benefits and leaving her broke. And still she defends him claiming responsibility for his loss of his leg due to diabetes...when clearly she had nothing to do with that. She is so depressed she has been in nursing homes all alone no visits, no calls from her kids for 24 months prior to my returning home to take charge and get her out...not realizing that I had no business doing this because how can I care for her when I'm still so screwed up? John Bradshaw has been my only saving grace in that his teachings have given me freedom of the guilt and shame and helped me begin to repair the almost hopeless inner child that I carry...I highly recommend that ANYONE who felt a need to open this thread if you have not already done so PLEASE do yourself a favor and google John Bradshaw....He is amazing and the forefather of dysfunction research and education...Co-dependence is his specialty. Thanks for letting me share this...It actually lifted some of this heavy heavy weight I'm carrying.

On the stress level all is quiet on the California Western Front. Many things to take care of here before going to Idaho in October plus getting some extra hours at work and don't want to be a hit and run poster so not posting much right now. Take care and wishing all my best!!♥

Oh my the scape goat thing is for real and my husband family likes to use it against me cuz I do not give them updates. One I do not have their email addresses or cell numbers; besides my cell phone is shut off temporarily because I am trying to cut expenses down while trying to get a second job. I appreciate the support so I know I am gonna get ur burning the candle on both ends speech ty but not necessary. I have my husband getting a hospital bed soon due to his seizure activites so not all of his insurance is gonna cover the rent and any free medical beds I can get are being used. I also have both of my kids going to school this year. I will be working part time as a teacher aide because I need to get out of the house and I am positive the school will work with me regarding my husband's variety of appointments so it won't be alot of money but again necessary so I can achieve better goals to pay off my one credit card and save money to pay off my school loans since I had put several things on hold including my novel writing and my free classes thru the local library. I also finally had it out with my sister and it was actually pretty funny and cool. She is still trying to get FB to ban me but nevertheless I cut the ties because I cannot deal with the selfish attitude; no one seems to care how much I have to do or what i do. Well anyway I call her and I said hi this is the sister you physically and emotionaly disowned. How are you doing? then she goes I do not have time for your BS and I said oh and I have make time for yours that is nice to know; anyhow go F urself I said. I was drunk at the time but it felt good to get it out in the open and just blow her soapbox out of the window. I am hanging in there as best as I can given my circumstances..Life is short but if I am going to be marked as the black sheep then I rather just move on with my life and call those that are really concerned with how I am doing vs the other way around. If no one wants to me to be my venting board or understand then dysfunctional it is but no longer my personal pain. I have my own family and I am trying to break the chain of Damaged Goods in my own house but is it rough..yes it is and is it...hell yeah and do I owe anyone my time no except for my husband and children. Anyway. I have not posted here in a good long while so I figure I share some of my dysfunctional drama but its mostly quiet on the home front. I am so glad I move to a state where my phone doesn't ring every 20 mins with my sister demanding I clean up her messes because she can't get off her ass to do it.

Thanks to all for your advice re contact with my cousins - I will keep contact and will share carefully and see what reaction I get.

Some catching up here I see -The geneaology and family stories are great. Good for those of you who have searched and found.

Regarding dysfun fam communication, I think it was kimbee who referred to triangulation,
"When functional people have something to say, they say it to you. When dysfunctional people have something to say, they may tell someone else instead".
from lightshouse org lights blog/psychological-triangulation
It is where one person uses another person to get at a third person with whom they have an issue, rather than going directly to the person with whom they have the issue and dealing with it in a healthy manner. - common with people with personality disorders.
I have lived with it all my life, between my sis and mother. They tried to suck my daughter into it but she refused, thankfully.

Margeaux re your sis saying your mum should go - my mother would do the same - for example, she invited my sis to go with her to an event (though my sis hadn't been invited) saying that she was sure the hosts would be happy to see my sis. She also invited me saying the same thing and I declined. I hadn't been invited and that was OK. I think it is bad manners, to intrude when you haven't been asked.

Still working on builidng "we", Mother has invited me out for a birthday (mine) brunch.(Love the time she gave me tickets to the symphony for my birthday - in her city. which required that I drive 5 hours to go to the symphony, - I was working full time then - but would have meant I could give her a ride there, which I know was the purpose of the "gift". I told her to give the tickets to some one who could use them) I will combine a trip down there with some appointments of mine.. It does take some work, but is paying off, The motorhome broke down on the way to the farm yesterday (fortunately in town) and will need a carb job, but it ended up being a good day anyway..I sat on a grassy slope in the sunshine reading, while G tinkered, we had our picnic supper at home, and the garden got some more attention. Then we had a quiet evening. I call it making lemonade out of lemons. :)
Everyone - take care of you!
Love, (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) and prayers

caregiver1963 ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) - you are in a bad situation - ..."I am tired of the drama they create, I am tired of the personal insults to my character and I am tired of being used". I understand. Are there any steps you can take to protect yourself? I am the "black sheep too, the scape goat to be blamed for whatever goes wrong. I have had to emotionally detach from the remains of my family. I do have physical distance at present, which helps. My heart goes out to you. I know what it is like being kicked in the teeth for doing the right thing. Love and ((((((((((hugs))))))) Joan

195Austin,

Hi Austin, yes, I'm having to really put my foot down with my sister!
I know she has this kind of controlling behavior, where she over steps boundaries all of the time. She is quite a willful person.

Boy, what was your SIL thinking? How is it that people like your SIL's sister,
who are really what I call people on the periphery can't mind their own business?
On top of that, to tell no less your mother news like this over the phone, is beyond insensitive.

A couple months ago, my brother was having some prostate issues.
He called my sister up in tears from the doc's office, telling her that he probably was going to need surgery. My sister asked whether he'd shared any of this w/his grown children (who he houses-his home), or his emotionally checked out wife. His answer was no. Well, we understood why he didn't tell the wife, since they at the time were living in the same household, but pretty much separate lives. But we couldn't understand why he wasn't telling his kids. They are all between ages 22-29. But my brother has this warped, undying duty to them, but on certain levels they don't seem to reciprocate.

Anyway, my sister thought it was now her duty to jump in and become some kind of marriage/family counselor. I received these very emotionally charged emails and phone calls about how she'd talked to his kids, and wife. I all the while was trying to suggest that we couldn't do much in that arena, these are problems for my brother and his family to first acknowledge and fix. The day I was reminded of how intrusive my sister can be is when my brother went for some results, and the doc said they didn't come in. He was very stressed about this appointment.
When my sister heard about it, she called the doc's office and posed as his wife, to see if they would expedite this faster. When my sister told me this, I thought, "Oh boy." Of course, she'll try to enlist me, if she can on any of these scenarios.
Honestly, I steered clear, and glad I did.

But anyway, as you can see she has done this in the past in many situations,
and I have to remind myself of the crazy behavior she exhibits, and definitely not become a party to it.

But anyway, I'm so thankful to you and others here who have helped me.
I was really very annoyed with this last week. I feel clearer about it now.
So I am trying to focus on the get together, which is in a about another week, or so. Have a wonderful Sunday! Much Love, Margeaux

I'm just peachy...my sister and her family are at it again and I am being scapegoated once again for trouble they stirred up....I am caregiver to a "mother" who put me in the role of scapegoat because I was the byproduct of rape, and since I also had characteristics of a paternal aunt she hates as well as a reminder of the man that raped her, I had strikes against me from the day I landed in the middle of the whole dysfunctional mess....you add that to my sister's husband sexually abusing me and there was never any way I was going to fit in or be accepted because it is much easier to shove their issues off on me than to face it and take responsibility for themselves....I am thinking about selling my home and moving to another city at this point because I am fed up....I am tired of the drama they create, I am tired of the personal insults to my character and I am tired of being used....I am good enough to spend my time running errands and being a caregiver to my mother, but not good enough to be treated in the respectful manner I deserve....my niece has made some huge mistakes in her life and has herself in a bad place right now....I knew by her attitude change towards me the past couple days that something was brewing so she decided to inform me yesterday whether I wanted to hear it or not...I was informed by my mother last evening of the whole list of everything I ever did wrong because in her mind by listing my flaws as a person it does not make my niece look so bad...my niece who was on drugs at 12, alcoholic at 14 and abortion at 15...I never drank or smoked and never got into any real trouble, I was always a very quiet individual who keeps to herself....to add insult to injury today I found out my mother told her housekeeper that I never bother with her, I just run in and out....she is trying to justify my sister refusing to speak with her now because she was not allowing my sister to have total control over her estate and affairs...as I said I have had it at this point because when they tried to shove her into a home against her will I went to bat for her so she could be left in her home where she is comfortable...for that I get another kick in the stomach...I am thankful I have this board to vent on because I sure as hell do not have "family" to turn to.

You made the right decision to go with Dee-it is good you are not letting your sister run your life and she will be the one taking your Mom home when she gets tired or starts acting inappropiatly. You sister needs to learn she is not in control of everyone.

Cattails,

Yes, you hit the nail on the head that my cousins could feel uncomfortable discussing some of the info. in front of mom.
My sister is full of strange contradictions. Mother takes a variety of medications for ALZ, plus blood pressure meds. Last year when things were becoming unglued over at mother's house before her narcissistic sister died, my sister repeatedly told me, that she had to be very careful about what she said in front of mom, about her sister. She claims that mother doesn't tune in, (the ALZ), but mom however is always listening to what ever is being said. So if my sister is of this opinion, interesting how she doesn't apply it now.
But you see with my sister, there's always another motive going on. If there is no drama, she will make sure to create some.

I'm really making it a point to go alone w/Dee also; I just was not comfortable with the tone of that email. I feel I'm going to start to take some measures against my sister in the regards. I need to stand up for myself also. She's more than a bonehead. HAAH! This was funny, Cattails, and I needed a very good laugh the last few days!

I am excited about the meeting, and will let you all know what I discover.

I cannot get over your story and how you said, who was it a great uncle that tore up the marriage certificate! I am really happy to hear that you could get a copy of this document. Thank you so much, and Much Love! Margeaux

Margeaux I am so glad you are not giving in to your sister-the next time it will be easier-my sil has a sister like that who has to control everything-her sister even convience my sil to call my elderly Mom to tell her my brother her husband had cancer instead of letting my sister go to her apartment to tell Mom and then my sil called me to tell me what she did because her sister told her to do that-so her sister gets involved in things she has no right to do-sounds like your sister.

Margeaux: I'm glad you are going with Dee. I'm also sorry your sis is determined to bring your mom. Others might feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's past in her presence. This should be a private time for cousins. Your sis is a bit of a bone head. I hope you have a great time. Maybe it will get everyone in the groove and you will have another meeting. Let us know what you find out. Hugs, Cattails.

Margeaux~I enjoy history including family history/genealogy. Like you, I find it interesting to discover the origins. I did enjoy Cats history, it is amazing how her father intuitively felt something regarding himself. Maybe he picked up on discussions as a child that make him feel as he did. Back in the day pregnancy before marriage was such a taboo. Yes Frank and Hazel's story is like a novel. I can only imagine the pain his children went through when the truth came out. Forensics wasn't well developed at that time.

I think you are doing the right thing with your sister in regards to the family get together on genealogy. My sis is financially strapped so she doesn't have a home computer or cell phone. I will text her younger daughter once or twice a month, giving me info on nieces life before my sister. Sis gets very upset if I mention something regarding her daughter. I have gotten now where I don't mention things as it is better if sis learns the info from her daughter not from me. I know it is not because sis resents my relationship with her daughter, sis just wants to know first but she is limited because of her financial situation and texting so much easier than calling. I hope you get lots of good info regarding your family history and I hope you share it when you get everything.

I did a search on ancestry regarding my g g grandmother. The woman family member say is half Cherokee is Mary Katherine Feather. During my search I found census records on my g g grandmother but her name is not Mary Katherine. Native American Registry does have a Mary Katherine but there is no link to her and my maternal family. Enjoy your family get together and hoping you get lots of info to fill in those blanks. Enjoy the day!!

Hi everybody, just did some catching up! Really enjoyed hearing all the genealogy stories. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Bookworm,
The family dynamics are that my sister wants to run the show, call all of the shots.
She is a very controlling personality.

Now, this invitation was for about 9 of the women cousins to gather.
As soon as I inform my sister, she starts to lay all of this, she's decided to take my mom routine. I personally feel that this time it should be we, just the women cousins.
The invitation by the cousin organizer was not extended to our mother. Now, my sister keeps putting up statements such as, "I know mom would like to go." "I know the cousins would like to see her." While I can agree w/these to a certain point, my sister completely ignores, that given mom in her condition really doesn't communicate anymore, I was also wondering how mother might handle listening to our efforts to discuss our dad's family history, (mom's deceased husband). Mom rarely talks about our dad anymore, she has ALZ. So I was even thinking in this sense. But another point, is that I feel if mom is there, since our cousins haven't seen her in awhile, it's going to take away a bit of the focus as to why we are gathering in the first place also. I don't want to sound as if I'm just trying to be anti-mom. Basically for said reasons is why I feel this way.

It rubs me the wrong way also, since this is usual method of operation for my sister, (she telling you) other's wants/especially her own, with no regards to being appropriate to situations.

I did speak to her briefly last night, and I'd already expressed whether my mom would really be up to going to this gathering. But in my sister's fashion, she's already shown me that she will take mom, no matter what. Needless to say, she's quite imposing!

Yes, I do plan to go w/my cousin on our own! The two of us live further away, and actually going to meet up w/sister & mom, is taking us out of the way, for that day.

Thank you, and you made me laugh with the comment about how you tell it like it is! I wish I could be so bold. Much Love, Margeaux