The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Good Morning to Everyone,

It was quite interesting attending the family gathering to see what my cousins remembered about the family so we could start doing more research about them.
Our eldest cousin, who considers herself the matriarch had some info. But she is a narcissist also. I personally was hoping she would stay on track about our side of the family. Her sister, provided us with what I consider more solid information.
She had a document, a birth certificate for the three eldest siblings of my dad.
That was very interesting.

So I started to do an initial search through Ancestry.com. I did find some things there. There's a fourteen day trial offer made, which provides one with more information about people. So I think I'm going to go with that. Have any of you used this, and were you pleased with the service?

But what I did find, were records regarding my dad in a Census. At that time he was married to his first wife. He had five children with her. My siblings and me didn't hear about that family until I was about 10 years old. They started to get married, so we were invited to their weddings.

Dad never talked about details, such as when he was married to the first wife, etc. He did support this family financially. But unfortunately didn't have much of an emotional relationship w/them. We were told stories about how difficult his ex-wife was, on that note. It appears the ex-wife brainwashed dad's kids. There are two sons who did try coming around to visit dad, they must have been in their twenties. So this happened when they were young adults. But the eldest son, (when we saw him at weddings) never acknowledged dad. So of course, we had to bear the brunt of this. Anyway, through that Census, I discovered that dad must have had that first son at a very young age. I think this son could have been possibly 11 or 12 yrs. old when my dad left the marriage. So this could explain why that son seemed so resentful towards dad. This happened at two of the weddings we attended; he didn't say hello to our father. It was difficult enough being told at 10, that dad had a whole other family. It was equally as difficult witnessing his son, ignoring my dad and sensing that dad didn't feel good about that. But I remember the fact, that for I knowing what a wonderful man my dad was, it was unfortunate that things were as such; that his kids from the first marriage became so brainwashed into thinking their dad was a bad guy and had abandoned them. So our family inherited a lot of that dysfunction, I'm sure!

I am certain his ex-wife was a narcissist. She apparently even had three more kids after the ones she had w/dad. She gave those last three dad's last name.
My dad didn't even know about that. All of her kids thought that even those kids were dads. It wasn't until one of the last three was to be married and it was in the days when people took the blood test before marriage, that the truth came out.
Whoah!! The **** hit the fan, over there apparently between dad's legitimate children and their mother.

But nevertheless, it's exciting to find out information about the family. I did discover several new names of great grandparents. That's exciting. When I find out more, I'll share it. Margeaux

Hi Sharynmarie,

Yes, my cousins are very nice women. They like my mom. She being really one of the only elders from the older generation left, so I know they kind of look to her as a mom. Well, my sisters willful attitude, was really what annoyed me.

Boy, the DPOA stuff, is so convoluted, isn't it? Legalities! I really didn't quite understand some of this, still don't know I do, but that post about my brother getting it revoked and re-written so that my sister and younger brother now have it.
I've been realizing what responsibilities kick in, and when they do.

Oh, when I read you post about your mom and the driving test, it made me think, why does an elder in her condition have to go through this? No matter what, poor thing! If only that doctor would have been more thinking and signed that paper for DMV.

Well, you know sometimes when we have people like we've w/ALZ, things just start to unfold and w/o any input on our parts. Hopefully some of the necessary things that need to happen so that you can finally be in charge, w/o the resistance from your mom will happen for you in a good way. Your unbelievable!
Love & Lots of Light Sharynmarie! Margeaux

Hi Austin195,

Oh, Thank You for the hug! Not at all Austin, I always welcome the comments here.
I know you're not criticizing. But I too wanted to make sure that you understood the situation. I know, sometimes we post about things but it's pages ago. We can't remember all the details. I many times go back several pages just to try to keep the facts about lots of people here clear in my head. Ha, ha!

You welcome also. It feels very comfortable here, our community.
Love & Light to you my dear, Margeaux

Well, since standing my ground and ignoring the weird behavior for a week and pretty much spending my days away from home with my kids......I am tired. Because I am tired and want to be alone my husband seems pissed about that. Nice. I feel much like I am being measured by some standard and when *I* need support from people who are supposed to be adult, then I am measured as lacking somehow. I think it is true that when I am exhausted, all the time of counseling etc goes out the window. I want all the so called 'adults' to get away from me. My live in in-laws are just hard for me to bare. They are the grumpiest, non-friendly, non-loving people. So.....I am told by some well meaning folk how they are transitioning and it is hard for them. They have lived with their kids for about ten years now. It is hard for ME. I vent as I hope it is safe to express what I am feeling here. I give a ton of myself throughout the week to the nine kiddos and I am basically not required to do much of anything with the in-laws besides feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am being to hard on them I guess. I actually have said little to nothing but have also heard nothing very understanding of where I am at in return. I see how I don't trust them and I don't trust m husband to understand. Ugh. Vent, vent, vent.

Don't worry BW, I'm definatley watching my back.... tried talking with one of them this morning... I left that situation feeling like I had been projectile vomited on with WORDS.... about 20 seconds into it, I knew there was not going to be anything resolved... so, just to shut her up, i said, "your right... you are right about everything"... she just looked at me.... I told her we needed to have a professional front and to hell with the rest of it, and that I would not be havng any more conversations with her.... period... got up and got busy and she left....I only have to see this one for a few minutes in the mornings to listen to report, so I can do that....
And as far as the family is concerned, they already have an opionion of her, the daughter has told me not to worry, she will elimintate herself....
So thanks for the replies and for listening.... it will all work out... hugs to you all...

Mom29,

You hit the nail on the head, that "family wants something for nothing."
Yes, I'm really learning to exercise my boundaries w/my controlling sister.
Many years while growing up around my sister, I must admit, that I didn't show her that it is wrong for her to interfere to the point, even to make me feel bad, about her bad behavior. Well, I'm learning to be stronger in this area. I guess, one just basically gets fed up w/all of this nonsense. Yes, it does ruffle feathers when they think you're being reasonable! Thank you, for pointing these things out. Margeaux

Ok, I get what you are saying BW. The only thing I know to do is document your work, stay as far from their drama as you can. Management usually knows who the trouble makers are unfortunately as you said BW, some good workers leave because they don't want the stress. In my experience, usually the troublemakers quit or if one of them quits, the other stops causing drama because they have no one to buddy up with. My husband worked with a woman who wouldn't follow policy and my husband was the shift commander. He warned her several times. She started shooting her mouth off that my husband was harassing her. Because his job is security for one of the labs in Livermore, they take this stuff seriously and an investigation was done. It all came back to her shooting her mouth off about my husband along with the documentation my husband had on her and she was given the option to quit. Hang in there Ladee, document your work and be aware of what they are doing.

Hi Austin195,

Maybe I didn't explain myself in regards to the living situation. I do not pay my mom rent, as I do not live in that household. I live with my husband across town in an apartment. So when I was writing about that, I meant, that I have my own responsibilities, separate from my sister, in my own household. She's the one who lives at moms. Part of this was born out of the fact that she was selected as POA. At first our brother who was totally irresponsible, and wasn't taking care of business; we know for sure helping himself to our now deceased's aunt's and mothers money. But he wasn't tending, nor looking out for the welfare of two elderly women at that time.
Mom was already probably in stage 2 or 3 of ALZ, and her sister had congestive heart failure.
Prior to this, mom had been taking care of her sister. But when the diagnosis of ALZ became known to us, things began to change. Mom took a fall and landed in the hospital. Meanwhile her sister was also admitted; she had an infection on her foot, because she was borderline diabetic. Before the doctor's would release her and my aunt, they by law only released both of them to my brother's care. So this basically meant these two elderly woman could no longer be alone in mother's house. After this, my aunt had a falling out w/my brother, basically because he wasn't hiring anybody to do the caregiving, and he, nor anyone in his household was doing it either.
occurred.
Now, my aunt (who had charge of legal matters), switched the POA to my sister,
and younger brother. This is when my sister moved into mother's house w/her two daughters, and one daughter brought her then boyfriend w/her. Well, the daughter w/boyfriend moved out last year and married the guy.

Anyway, the history w/my sister w/regards to money, especially family money, has been she sought out loans from my parents, and that narcissistic aunt in the past to buy property. My sister rented a three bedroom house from the narcissistic aunt for about 15 yrs., and I know my aunt was not charging her high rent. In other words, my sister has relied heavily upon financial favors from the immediate family. So I sometimes think that possibly my sister feels some kind of indebtedness towards them. But she also owns two properties, (which she rents out). So I believe my sister has a strange relationship as to how she views people, say like my cousin and even me, who are not as financially set up as she is. This is why I feel that my sister is trying to do this strange game on my cousin, of asking her to come and spend the night w/mom, if needed, but she wants it for free.

Oh, and I'm fully aware about it is really not a good idea to work for friends, family and all of that. Once the friend or family dynamics changes into employer-employee relationship, things change. I've been there, done that, not with my sister, though. Anyway I just wanted to clear this up. I completely agree w/what you said about the daughter. Really, SHE's the one my sister should be putting some pressure on about helping. Thanks Austin, Margeaux

Ladee, I know you emphasize that they really do properly care for M and S. I'm not saying that you should be running to the daughter/son of this personality clashes. I'm just saying that you need to watch your back. They will be trying to undermine you from all fronts. Be aware and figure a plan of action. That's all I'm saying.

Ladee, what you are experiencing is NORMAL co-worker environment! (Thank goodness it's just only me and my 2 bosses!) I know this from my siblings when they get frustrated (like you are). My siblings are all hard workers. Younger bro is in Virginia - having to do with navy ships. Oldest sis works in library. Younger sis works in a college -admin dept. I tell you, all of YOU have the same complaints. You all work hard. Then the slackers or the newly hireds does things and complain. Bro is not teaching them correctly (he does but they're lazy, not listening, etc..) Younger sis is not processing their requests (well, if they turned in their paperwork, I would do it.,...) Oldest sis gets blamed cuz newly hired is not doing their work properly (It's really not my job to teach them, that's the front desk. Still, I did teach them but...) Get it? And all 3 DO worry about their position because sooner or later, other people will believe these .. uhm.. troublemakers.

My conclusion based on my siblings: as long as you are a hardworker, it will reflect badly on the slackers. Therefore, the slackers will do their best to make you look bad, and make themselves look good. (And from both sisters - theh have lost some very good hard working coworkers due to these troublemakers.)

Solution? Sorry...my siblings are still trying to find one (and are still stressing a lot!) I hope that the daughter/son continues to believe in you and not the troublemakers. The thing is, Ladee, you cannot remain complacent. Because if those 2 can get the others to see you their way, then eventually daughter/son might wonder if they are right that you are a troublemaker.

Anyone here with work place experience on how Ladee can handle this situation? And NOT look like she's jealous or spiteful?

Thanks Sharyn.... I see what you are saying, no, they take good care of M and S... no complaints there... this is personal.... I know I was rambling when I first posted... trying to sort out my own confusion about why I am letting these two get to me so bad... and I am not concerned that M or the family is beleiving anything they are saying... it is that they are triggering the old feelings of being the scapegoat in my family dynamics...I am able to seperate this situation from the feelings... the feelings are old... I am even able to seperate their need to 'get along' as opposed to just going in and doig their job.... It doesn't matter to me if we like each other... I am 62 yrs. old... that part is not important at all... see, that's what I was saying about it being crazy making and guess I am not conveying clearly what I am feeling or even trying to say......
But I truly appreciate your feedback.... but I have no problems with the way they care for M and S, tho M has made it very clear she does not like the overnight girl...... but I do not engage in conversation about them with her... I let her talk, and keep my personal issues with them to myself....I don't even tell the daughter about this mess, it has nothing to do with the care of M and S....
No doubt there is a lesson for me here... so I'll try to focus on that... thanks for the reply... hugs to you....

Austin~My mother has Alziemer's and a personality disorder. My sis and I reported her to DMV because we believe she should not be driving any longer. Her dr. would not do it so we finally mustered up the courage to report her anonymously hoping DMV would honor that and they have. She received the notice from DMV last week which she had to take to her dr. He had the opportunity to revoke her license himself, but instead he stated that in his opinion she should not be driving which now makes it DMV's decision to revoke it. I understand that he wants to maintain a dr/patient relationship with my mother and is giving her the chance to prove she can drive, but it is also causing her a lot of anxiety and stress that I had hoped would be avoided.

Ladee~I am sorry you are having to deal with this mess. I know from reading your posts you are a very caring, loving person especially with your charges. So these two are determined to make you out to be the person who has nothing to do with what is going on. I don't want to offend you as I have a lot of respect for you but is it possible that you are very enmeshed with the care of M and S? What I am trying to say is that your standards of care are higher than their's because of experience. You have great people skills, you put so much of yourself into your work and these newbies are not on the same page as you are because their emotional growth is not on the same level. I only bring this up because I have notice on my job, that I have some issues with younger people who seem to slide by when I get held to a higher standard. My issues stem from the fact that when I was their age, no one took me under their wing. I had to learn everything the hard way and that included getting fired a few times. What I started doing was first I took into account whether my boss was unhappy with the 20 somethings work. If the boss did not seem to have a problem then I knew it was something within myself. Unresolved issues with siblings who made me look bad to our parents, teachers or other adults? Dear friends through jr. and sr. high that I found out were talking crap about me behind my back? I took myself too seriously and expected others to do the same? I wanted to be respected and acknowledged for my accomplishments? I found that I wanted to be respected and acknowledged because these were the issues from my childhood that I never was validated on. It is very possible this is a growth experience for you. I have faith you will discover what it is and overcome it. You are a special caregiver Ladee and I would want someone just like you to care for my mother. Bless you and take the time you need to understand your feelings ♥♥♥!!

JLR, I work full-time and care for my 2 bedridden parents. For Years, it was only me and dad caring for bedridden mom. I have 7 sisters/brothers. Nobody helped us - physically or monetary. I have asked, begged, and threatened suicide (soooo tired of caring for parents). No response from sibling. But, in the years that I've been helping dad to care for mom, I would email/text all my siblings of the cost (pampers, wipes, feeding tube milk, toilet tissues, etc...) I kept at it. I vented that everyone had a life - married, children, traveled ...but I was stuck at home, etc....To make a long story short, due to my persistence of texting /emailing /verbalizing in person and by phone, I finally have 1 brother who is consistently sending money monthly – not for the parents –but for ME! We grew up in a very dysfunctional family. The siblings who are now helping, is doing it for me and not for the parents. I’m just saying, that maybe you can do the same with your siblings…bombard them with what you’re going through, the stress of money and paying for bills, etc…Hopefully this will eventually prick their conscience.

I know this is where I am supposed to be posting tonight.... I know ya'll will understand with out me having to explain my feelings....
So much mess going at work, and the old 'scapegoat' role has been triggered.... I was in thereapy for many many years to get a handle on this and learn new behaviours, but funny how being too tired can trigger it all like it was today....
I will try to keep this simple, two of my coworkers are just full of drama, their priorites amaze me, yet it's none of my business as long as M and S are taken care of... and well taken care of ..... all this personality crap is insignificant in the bigger picture of things.... but I am being shown as the 'bad guy' here... some of ya'll know me from other threads. You have a general idea of what my personality is like, yes, I am outspoken, yes I get silly, but ya'll also know how much M and S mean to me... that this is more than a "job' to me.....
This is where it is 'crazymaking" and I know ya'll will understand this part... they are bound and determined to make me out to be this person that has nothing to do with what is going on.... does that make sense????? I can feel myself getting frustrated and wanting to delete this... but I am moving forward because I have to share this or it is going to affect me in my work......
M and S are requiring round the clock care now... so 4 others have been hired to cover it.... but these two young ones, and don't get upset here, there are young folks on here doing an awesome job, things I could have never done at their age....but these two are trouble makers and not really making the quality of care for M and S priorty..... it is more about personalities that caregiving....
I know that our healing is ongoing, and I also know there is a lesson in all this for me... but I totally resent what these two are doing, the things they are saying to M and to the daugher, and I also know M and the daughter know better, so why am I being so reactionay with all this?... am I just too tired to ? I hate these feelings, I have grown way past defending or explaining myself, so that is why I am putting it out here.... the feelings are real, tho not as intense or as paralyzing as when I was younger....why am I letting these two push my buttons, why am I giving them the power to drag this crap to the surface.... ? More healing?
All I know right now is that I resent the hell out of it... but it is what it is... so if any of you have any suggestions I am more than willing to hear them.... I think more than anything I need validation that it is just another stage of healing and that I am not really this bad person they are making me out to be.... and in my heart I know I'm not, this is what is so damned crazy making for me.....
Thanks for letting me share.... I know some of you will get what I am trying to say here, but Iearned a long long time ago, a problem shared is cut in half.... so if nothing else, thanks for listening.... hugs across the miles to you all ...

My family was never dysfunctional until my mother came to live with me. I have 3 sisters. One sister is all about the money and unfortunately for me, my supportive sisters live too far away to help. When I asked my sister (who thinks she's doing a wonderful thing for me when she takes her for about 2 hours every Sunday - guess I should be grateful) if she could take Mom one more night for dinner as I needed some time alone - her reply was - "you'll have plenty of time to be alone after Mom dies"!!!! I work full time and then come home and take care of her. Physically she's "okay", but is slipping mentally. She just turned 85 and I know she won't be here to celebrate another birthday. But, my best friend/sister because of family disagreements, even though I'm siding with her hasn't talked to me in over a month, since she went home. That hurts. It hurts because most of my friends have "left" once my Mom moved in. Screw them and my sisters who can't support me. I can do this. I will do this for my Mom. And when she dies, I will know in my heart and also in my head that I did the best I could for her and I also know she loves me and appreciates me for it. If I have Mom's approval - I need nothing else.

Shary does you mother have to also take a road test why did she lose her drivers license -maybe if she is so anxious about the written test she will not do well with either the written test or a road test and will have to give up driving are there any alternaives available like busses or transportation from the Office of the Aging.

Your cousin has every right to get paid for her services if she wants to have a business relationship with your sister. I'm not sure it would be healthy for your cousin in the long run but that is her choice. It does sound like your sister is trying to get to you through your cousin for being at the meeting together. Your cousin may want to think about this for a while.

My mother is trying to study for the written test but has too much anxiety and can't concentrate, obsessing over everything including DMV possibly taking her house from her. I so wish she would take an antidepressant. I spent some time with her yesterday going over mail which consisted of booklets regarding changes on her retiree benefits and changes on her investments. She thinks she has to read these booklets cover to cover, I keep telling her file them.

Need in order to not have your father drive -can you take him for the test and relate his past driving history because if by some chance he passes a very dangerous driver will be on the road and you would feel bad if he hurt or killed someone and you know of his inability for safe driving-my husbands aunt had her pocketbook stollen from her grocary cart and was so upset because she had all her bank books plus good jelwery in it and was so upset she had an accident on the way home and died of her injuries.

Everyone wants something for nothing especially from relatives. Asking you to do more besides rent is 'saving' money in her mind. Suffer not guilt, ignore and proceed with life. It sucks to get the cold shoulder when you are not 'behaving' as they think you should but what you are describing sounds like you are being totally reasonable. Family is pretty challenged when it comes to reasonable.

I would not let the sister guilt you into anything she has the cousin who is willing to work for pay and from what you said you are paying rent to your Mom if your sister expects you to work there besides paying rent that is not fair-if you are willing to work some to reduce your rent that is something else-since her daughter is living scott free she should take say 4 hrs at night to free up other caregivers at least on weekends.

Good Morning Everyone,

Well I'd posted about what my cousin and me talked re: my sister, and the jealousies she seems to engage, and try reeling us into. As I said before, Dee had been caregiver through a paid program in our state til the budget cuts started. This was over a year and a half ago, while the narcissistic aunt was still alive, and for mom. My cousin is very good and responsible in the caregiving department. Well current day, now it's only mom. Mom lives in a two story home. My sister who still works a 40 hr. job, sleeps upstairs. So she has a couple caregivers who sleep w/mom; my sister is afraid about when mom may need to use the bathroom at night time. Well for this setup, they're covered during the week by the main caregiver to do this. However, there's one caregiver that comes on weekends, who doesn't want to sleep w/mom; prefers to sleep in living room. Unfortunately, because of mom's needs, defeats the whole purpose of she being there, quite honestly. There is another caregiver my sister has for weekends also, but needs some other person as back up.

Anyway, this is where my cousin comes back into the picture. Remember on a recent post, I wrote about my sister trying to imply that after my cousin was no longer being paid by that state program, my sister still called for her assistance to come and spend the night w/mom? Sister in an email to me tried to imply that our cousin could not come a couple of times, and implied, "now that she wasn't being paid, she wasn't willing to help." But last week, of course I did not tell my cousin this fact. I found out though, that my cousin just couldn't make it for good reasons.

Well, I spoke to my cousin a day ago, and developments are that my sister gave her a call. She's asking my cousin to be the back up person, in case there is a need. My cousin told me, that she feels rather confused via my sister's behavior w/her, as they used to talk more. My sister is definitely sending out mixed signals. Anyway my cousin, told me that she feels weird w/my sister on the one hand. I know this comes from my sister's overbearing attitude, I guess because she thinks she holds all the cards in her hands. She becomes an employer w/my cousin. But my cousin also stated although she really doesn't like that, she could use the money.

My cousin is a wonderful person, and my mom still remembers her and trusts her. I'm wondering, how do any of you feel about whether someone as my cousin should be paid for this service. I think she should be; I see nothing wrong with it. It makes me annoyed, that my sister should start using this arrogant attitude about money! Besides, she lives there w/a daughter who's just leaching off of her, (IMO) could be doing some of this!!!!! My sister won't dare ask her daughter to participate, so now my sister is having an issue with this. I'm more about sharing the money, especially if it's for the care of our mom.

I relieve every now and again, but I don't live that close, and because of my work situation, cannot commit to a steady (needed on weekend) relief schedule. Besides, unlike my sister, I pay rent.
There's a big part of me that doesn't want to enter into the clutches of my sister in that manner. I never ever hear her do these kind of judgments, nor do I know of her enlisting my brothers in this manner.

I think it is just awful, that somehow my sister thinks she's above people because she's in charge! She does have this very arrogant attitude w/respect to money.

Anyway, I'm going for my 2'd cup of Joe!
Margeaux

My Dad hasn't driven in about 6 months or so and he just got a renewal in the mail for his license. He is 72 and not in good health. He says that he is going down to take the test and the eye exam but I dont think he will pass. He cant even walk 4 feet without having to rest I really doubt he will make it thru the DMV. The last time he drove with me in the care I thought we were going to be killed. He ran a red light and hit the curb twice while turning a corner. He shouldn't drive and usually doesn't but he says he needs a license just in case I'm gone and he needs to go somehwhere.

Mom29~Take a deep breath and a giant step backward!!

Margeaux~It sounds like you were able to get a good start on the family tree search. II'm happy to hear everyone was glad to see your mother at the meeting. Sound like your sis was seething somewhat because you didn't do as she wanted. Good for you for not!! It's a common theme when you read the posts by so many of us that someone in the family is a control freak. Regarding the DPOA, when my mother is legally incapacitated my sister or me (if sister is not available) can make medical decisions for mother's care. It's all the legal road blocks and mother's delusions of us trying to steal from her that makes it stressful. The bank has been going beyond what they normally provide as a service with my mother regarding balancing her account for her. I will be going over to mother's today to look over some mail she asked me to look at. One is from the cemetery where she has prearranged her funeral at the Chapel and she is paying on the casket. She couldn't remember the word casket and called a box. We had a good laugh taking about just should have got a refrigerator box since it is cheaper!! I am distancing myself from my sister's emotions because I realized that I tend to get caught up in her emotions. She does have those controlling issues and wants to take my mother's finances away from her now which fueled me to get too caught up in the situation leading to me getting over stressed. My sis keeps thinking that because we have the DPOA she can take control now, I have to keep reminding her she can't because mother is not incapacitated yet. I am distancing myself from my mother too and will only help when she asks for it like she has with the mail she has received. I am caught in between since sis lives out of town, it will be me who will be doing most of the caregiving for mother. Before my mother gave us the papers for DPOA, I was the one who was doing everything when mother had issues come up. After we received the papers, my sister took an attitude that she needed to be the one doing all of it. Now her health is compromised. My mother asked me if I would go with her on Thursday to a meeting with her insurance provider regarding her long term healthcare policy and I said yes. I sent an email to my sis informing of the meeting telling her that if she would rather go that is fine, but I don't think we both need to be there. My only concern is that mother does not try to reduce the monthly premium because it will reduce her benefits and I know her provider will advice her not to reduce it. I got to get going as it's almost 9am. Thank you for thinking about me and I will continue sending you lots of positive thoughts.

well, I have a schedule set up which I have not had a chance to go over with her. We home educate and I simply don't have time to deal with her games. Husband and I feel that she took on this habit of manipulation as a defense mechanism against her abusive husband. I try to hang onto 'normal adult behavior' within the family and hold her to that. part of holding her to that is ignoring the behavior. Easier said than done at times. Had a talk with her as she just came and asked if she would be allowed to snap the beans she grew from her own garden. She tries to make everything my fault. I have enough children and experience to be able to remind her that she has made a choice not to snap them and it is her fault if it doesn't get done and not mine. Deep breath.

She sounds very childish are you able to just detatch from her much of the time-I hope she has her own space so you get some privicy -maybe she can just do her own laundry and at times make her own meals it might be a good idea to get her a small fridge and microvawe so she can do her own thing-I have a feeling she is in your face a lot-I hope your husband supports you my husband use to tell me he had to defend me every day-first of all why did he have to visit her every day on the way home from work and I guess he never was firm with her because she was able to pick on me EVERY f-n day. She was placed the last 8 years of her life -it would have been hell to have her in our home.

My mother-in-law is punishing me because I won't put up with her passive aggressive behavior. Her reaction was so predictable. She 'helps' by taking care of the laundry as she is very capable of doing this. I think she thought I was not keeping up before she came so she was fixing something. Yesterday when she asked if she was allowed to take care of the laundry, when I have said nothing about her not being allowed to, she didn't like my answer of "why are you asking me this?" So......she just left our laundry wet in a basket out by the clothes line and didn't tell us. I am laughing as I am totally fine with doing our own laundry. It isn't done perfectly but I don't care as nothing I do is done perfectly as she is able to do it. Deep breath and keep laughing.

The nursing home may have stopped P.T. medicare only pays as long as the pt. is improving and when they reach the level of the best they will get or just stop at some point medicare will not pay the NH and so they will discontiue therapy. I am so sorry that you can not get medicial info on him-but since the HIPA law came along providers must be so careful who they give information to because of people abusing the system. I had a lady calling to get information years ago on a pt.-she said she was his mother-I asked him about that because she sounded young -he said if it is my mother she is calling long distance -she is in heaven-it turned out to be an wife. The privacy laws make it more difficult for docs and nurses also to deal with family and friends.

Gosh, it seems like a lot of us have sister/mother issues - I am having the same problems with my Mother........not only did she keep me away from my Dad by reporting me for investigation to the DCF, but it was my sister who was warned 4 times by the ALF me and my husband had him in when my husband still had DPOA, but the 5th time, I obtained the police report and it stated that this time was like no other that she was running up and down the halls using profanity and threatening violence against the residents, Dad and staff.......and police finally trespassed her.....this is what set Mom off to pull Dad out in short order and take him to attny where he signed the revocation of the dpoa of my husband........from July to end of Feb, he was doiing fine under our care - within one month, had the massive stroke, I highly suspect due to medication mismanagement........place had been cited several times.........now, my Mom has him in this dump of a nursing home that I guarantee is over medicating him but I also am not allowed any medical info - she has specified that only the sister can get it.........I do not even think they will notify us if he dies........I know he is 86 but he was able to feed himself with his right hand (stroke was on left) on Easter and then as soon as they stopped physical therapy, seeing he is in bed all day, has lost muscle use of that side as well.........it appears that mother is content to just increase her visits slightly and is sitting back w sis waiting for him to die..........no one is pushing for phys therapy to continue or resume........they don't even put in his hearing aides ........I think it is horrible that a daughter cannot get info on their parent regarding medications........I know for one thing he is on a mood med that he does not need.......Mom approves of this because she does not want him "yelling at her" - this keeps him subdued.....heck, the last nursing home he was in said that he was always irate when Mother visited and that when sis visited all she did was yell about how much money he had........can't we as blood children, get some kind of court order to gain info or is it impossible once the person has gone into dementia??