The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I need prayers and support something major is gonna happen tuesday and i am not sure what but right now do not want open the details because its one thing or another adding up....ever since I moved to Ajo I have had a major target sign on my back....i feel like i am dying...i feel like i am losing my family n all I need is this ...so am I left with nothing and having nothing.....omg you just do not know how bad this immediate situation is and what i have to do ....so long n lost...i am stranded in the dark and I am asking for god's help but yet i am being treated like a criminal or worse....until I have more info to share all I am asking for is prayers n support whatever happens affects my whole family...ty all.

Thanks austin - back at ya - I don't know how I got here either, buit it has done me a world og good (((((hugs))))))

Emjo you are such a blessing to all of us here -I am so glad that God in his wisdom gave me such a great group ogf people to relate-I still do not know how AC popped up on my computer that day so long ago -it is a mystery for sure and I am so glad I looked into it at the time-it has been a lifesaver for me.

Jstmealone (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) holidays are hard times for many. You probably have hurts from many years back. If your brother has only 11 days sober I think you cannot count on him very much. I do hope he will be successful in his sobriety. I see from your page you have a "history" with him. Have you considered counselling for yourself? I come from a very dysfunctional family -alcoholic dad, narcissistic mum and sis, and have had a lot of hurts to deal with. My last session with a counsellor over my mother was just a year ago and I am 75. I have gone when I need it, Emotional detachment from dysfunctional family members helps. Also helpful is building friendships for support when your family is not supportive, rather than being hurt when they continue to behave as they have been doing. It is not easy but can be done. Coming here and venting helps too. (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))). Let us now how you are doing. Joan

Today is Labor Day. Mom is in a nursing home now but it doesn't stop there. How do I have a brother - that's all who hasn't seen Mom since mother's day? he's an alcoholic who has 11 days sober today. The hurt of him not seeing my mom - devastating to me. Why?

Catching up here
sharyn – how is the detaching going? – love the sunshiny day song. I can see that you don’t want to contact APS unless absolutely necessary. Hope you are working thing out with your sis – not always easy I know. When is your mum taking the test?
margeaux – you had quite an adventure and a good meetings with your cousins. I know a couple of people who have used the free trial with ancestry.com and they got a lot out of it. I see your sis continues in her narcissistic ways. Did your cousin decide to do some caregiving for your mum? That’s quite a story about your dad and his first marriage.
cmag – good to see you here again – glad you have the tax business out of the way
u565425 – I can see why you are upset seeing your dad like that. I am not aware of any way you can get permission to get info about him and his treatment
mom29 – the games these people play! – lose-lose – How frustrating! Yes deep breath and keep laughing is good, as is stepping back. She sounds narcissistic – everyone else’s fault! Glad you are standing your ground. I know about wanting support and not getting it though being expected to give it unconditionally – doesn’t feel good. Yes, it is hard for you too. Vent away!
needanswers – how did you dad do with the driving test? Sounds like he shouldn’t be driving, I know it is hard for some to give it up.
JLR – sibling problems are painful – you need some support from them . I am sorry that your friends have bailed out too.- Glad you mum appreciates what you are doing for her.
Ladee – the only thing that came to me was “sisters”
QuechuaCare67 – there are a few threads about narcissistic parents -seems like quite a few of us have them – and narcissistic sibs too. It is very frustrating.
MIssSassy – how are things going – I think I read that you were trying to get your kid’s father placed. Hope some changes happen soon, so your life is improved.
CG1963 – hi again – sorry you were feeling kicked in the stomach. You certainly are doing what is needed – at least - but I know a narcissist will want you to give up every moment of your life. Glad you are maintaining your boundaries and keeping some time for yourself – it is necessary. Families do get burnt out caring for their seniors. I have felt devalued and underappreciated for years, - by my mum – for years –probably all my life. But I have learned to parent myself and value and appreciate myself. I know I will never get it from her – she is not capable of that. If you could detach more it would help you. ((((((hugs))))))
Sadinthepacific – I hear you how your immediate family suffers from the demands on your husband – hopefully it will improve once they pass –cold comfort, I know. Did you feel taken for granted before the caregiving started, or is this new? Would counselling help? Couple counselling would be ideal, but even to go yourself would help. I hate feeling taken for granted and tend to give some heavy –even loud - feedback when that happens. My sig other tends to want a happy home to come home too as well, but without putting that much into it, until I really point out what I am needing, in very definite terms. It can be hard work, but worth it. You are not his servant, you are his helpmate, and a person with feelings and needs too. Being that he is so occupied with his parents, and sister, which as we know is a hard job, is there any way you can get some of those needs met another way. However, I know that nothing can replace the feelings of closeness that you two should be having as husband and wife. There is a good Christian book called “Love Busters” – things that negatively affect marriages and there is a workbook to use with it. Another book is called “Hold me Tight”. I think you would recognise yourself in them.

Austin- you might be interested in these books too. I wish I had seen them at the beginning of our relationship. We are loking at them now, but some bad habits have crept in. I tend to not speak up about my needs until I have built up anger - he tends to be too independent. We all have areas we need to work on. When people have been hurt, they do guard their hearts. I agree that actions speak louder than words. Glad you got over a bump last week. You are a cookie monster are you? lol rain here which is welcome, but the cooler weather isn't. Winter is too long in this part of the world.
Love (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and prayers for all.
Joan

Thank you Eemjo My girlfriend from across the street is comming -at least being on a diet I had cookies in the freezer - I was keep frozen ones in the freezer but I would bake them and eat them all when alone-nurses learn to live on cookies which was our lunches most times while working cookies still are not long for this world when I am around. You are right I need to establish some wants of mine when we get together again-we talk better in person-we got over a big bump in the road a week ago when we had lunch-I think he is guarding his heart a little too much his actions speak a lot for how he feels. We are finally getting cool weather actually a little too cool-we are getting the end of the hurricane the next two days.

(((((((austin)))))) I am alone on holidays too - have been for years. I do have Gary but he goes away most weekends to look after the horses.I am told it will not always be like this, as when we move south the horses will be closer. I am not holding my breath. To him a holiday means one more day to get work done, and I am lucky if I hear from him, though we are working on that and it is improving. You can get the boy out of the farm but you can't get the farm out of the boy, and farm boys know work, work and more work. However, other than wanting him to make more contact when he is away, it does't bother me being alone on holidays. Like bookworm, I gave them up years ago. I do agree that you need to be able to make phone calls too - only him it is too controlling, Ah, Proverbs 31 - don't get depressed, It doesn't mention friends does it? You should be pleased you have lost 20 lbs. That is no small feat! Hope you find just the right new dress for the wedding. It should be fun.
Life is full of compromises - and decisions. Just listening to a lady preacher who says decide when you get up to be happy today.There is something in that.
Hope you have a good one. Coffee with a girlfriend sounds good, and stick up for yourself with that guy - don't let the bad habits creep in.:)
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Book thank you for your kind words. I emailed my neighbor and invited her to go for a walk with me but she suggested comming over for coffee -so I stoped the housework and got some goodies out of the freezer and will work on my lesson for Bible study of our church womens group we are studing P roverbs 31-if nothing will cause depression in us women reading Proverbs 31 will really get to you-when we read it is our group a while ago -I said I wonder how many friends she has? I will be better tomarrow because I have to get a new dress for a wedding I am going to and time is going fast-I did lose 20 lbs. but hate clothes shopping but did force myself to go into Goodwill and try on some dresses and yeasterday stopped into another store and tomarrow will go to a mall to see what I can find then the rest of the week I have activities so I should be alright and if my friend does not call by SAT evening I will call him-another thing to get worked out between us if we are going to continue to be good friends and maybe more.

Bookworm~What a stressful day for you!!! I am glad you stuck up for yourself with your dad. You do need to get help and I am glad your sister is pitching in for a caregiver on Sundays. Your brother and SIL should pay for one on Saturdays as well. If you have to leave for a couple hours on the weekends do it. When your SIL gets tired of having to parent sit, then maybe she will put pressure on your brother to pay for a caregiver to help on Saturday. Hugs to you!!!

Bookworm...thanks for your words. I do realize time is far and few between more so nowadays. I have felt greatful for years....yes, years. I've suggested helpful things to spouse - counselor, priest...answer is always "we'll see". I am busying myself with son's school so I have positive things to do. Thanks.

Oh, Austin...I'm a loner. Since I was in my early 20's I have stopped celebrating holidays. But, just because I don't celebrate it doesn't mean I would not miss it. Holidays means for me: FOOD. But lately, my fam don't do it anymore. They now do their own thing - no longer including extended family. It may not be the same situation as you, but...it does get a bit depressing knowing that others are celebrating while you're stuck at home.

I wish I was into those internet games. Then, I'd hook up with you and we can play against each other. But, I'm not into games - whether it's chess, checkers, etc...Although I do love to play SORRY! with the kids.

I wish I'm into instant messaging and we can "chat" that way but...I've tried that. I'm so uncomfortable talking to people on the phone (even with sis). I feel the same way with "chatting online." I prefer to talk to people by email, this site or in person.

Although I hate crying, why don't you first cry yourself out. Other than waiting for your friend to call, what do you love to do? Any hobby? Any "wish list" that you've always wanted to do but never did?

Before I became a caregiver for mom, as a teen, I've always wanted to volunteer for the hospital. Needless to say, I have absolutely No Desire to do that! But I still love reading. Anything you can think of?

I don't think doing yard work and house work on a holiday is productive for you. If I remember, tomorrow, I can Google for ideas. I just love surfing the web....I say tomorrow because it's about 11:15pm here. If you're having a bad time with this holiday, how will you be in Thanksgiving and Xmas!!! Maybe someone on this site who does celebrate holidays and have experiences can give you some tips.

Sometimes, I wish I live in the states. Then, I can just hop on a plane and meet with those who just needs some quality time with friends. Not family but friends. Wouldn't it be nice?

I wish I can brainstorm or tell you a funny story to cheer you up but I think my brain is getting foggy. I had an exhausting day and I still need to clean mom's trache. Would you like for me to tell you a true "scary" story? Oh, maybe not. I don't know if that's good since you live alone. I have LOTS of true "scary" stories. Forget that....I'm sorry Austin. The computer is now wobbling. I'd better quickly stop and clean mom's trache. My body is shutting down whether I want to stay awake or not...

You take care, okay. We do care for you a lot Austin. You have given us a lot of very helpful advice. I scrolled thru my AC Words of Empowerment file and I see your name on it. You hang in there. Maybe also post on How are YOU thread too? Have to go....HUGS!!!!

How about right now you take say 24 hrs away and stay with your good sister and do not go back for the duration of the 24 hrs if there is an emergency anybody can 911-Dec is too long to wait for help. Guys I am in the black hole-holidays are so hard and my friend wants to be the one to call me so I can not really call him -I am trying to do yard work and house work but all I want to do is cry holidays are very hard for me being alone.

Beating yourself up is called guilt, bw.I think you have evry little to feel guilty about, even if you take a break. Having a caregiver paid by your sis for Sundays should help.
Having sis move in in December should help too. Wlll the paid caregiver come soon? I hope so. Looks like there is a little light on the horizon, or in the tunnel. ((((hugs))))

Joan, the family drama unfolded under the Caregiver How are YOU thread. It seems everyone agreed that I shouldn't be a fried bookworm. A wet or soggy bookworm is better than a fried one - I totally agree. This is what I have concluded on that thread which I did not include here....but just because I decided below doesn't mean I will not think of yours and Cat's and others. I have not yet reached the end of my rope where I can walk away from parents without my conscience beating me up.

Decision: Oldest sis is moving in in December. If I can just last long enough for her to move in. Next argument in December, I can pack up for the weekend and spend it with sis or at a hotel using local rates. I won't worry about finding someone to cover since Oldest sis will be here.

I will also take my sis' offer to pay for a caregiver for Sundays.
I can't believe I was actually looking forward to caregiving parents after a hectic week at work!!!! Be careful what you wish for....

(((((((((bookworm))))))))
I seriously think you need a break. What would happen if you just walked away and stayed away for a while? Let your family know that you cannot do this alone anymore, and that you are going away for e.g two weeks. and you expect them to take responsibility for your parents while you are gone, and if they are not looked after, it will be their doing, not yours., So far they hardly help at all. The electrical problem should be fixed by your brother, and quickly. I have found for people who do not listen, or seem to care, that at times I have to create a crisis to make an impression on them, because all the reasonable asking and explaining hasn't worked. I don't mean you have to "throw a scene" though if that works for you fine, but simply tell them that you are going away for a while and it is up to them to take over from you. They can figure out among themselves who will do it. There certainly are enough of them, and they are taking advantage of you, and that should stop. Maybe this makes no sense to you and that is OK. I am concerned about you, and hate to see you get to this point. I am so thankful that you are not suicidal any more. You said that your thinking used to be that killing yourself was the only way to get away. It isn't the only way. You can walk away. The result to your parent's care is the same. Someone else has to do it. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone else would have to care for your parents,

What I see from what you wrote is that your sil and sis are concerned for you - so that you will go back and keep doing the caregiving - not that they are concerned for your parents, or someone would have changed diapers. That is appalling to me and the biggest kind of "using". Is there no social services where you are? I think you have answered that before, Would the church help? Anyway, bw, you need to help yourself as this is too much for anyone to bear alone, (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and prayers - Joan

CG, I feel Devalued and Unappreciated. Just today, at 6:15am, I got up to do daughterly duties. Father decided to lecture me that I MUST sleep early so that I can take care of them better. He went on to say that I was a BAD DAUGHTER and that I HAVE to take care of them. I have since age 23 volunteered to help dad care for Alz mom. Last year, he had a stroke and is bedridden. I have 7 siblings. Only 1 is here helping Mon-Fri while I work. I had a very stressful weekend cuz sis left Friday and did NOT tell me that there's something wrong with the power outlet. I investigate why it's not working. Seems the wall power surge protector and the cord attached had burned. It was black and melted plastic. I informed brother (electrician) about problem. On Saturday, after work (got off at 2pm) I went to Home Depot and bought a replacement wall protector and extension cord. Bro did not fix it. So on Sunday we had tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. I can't drive to get food cuz I care for 2 bedridden parents. I knew bro will not fix the outlet on Sunday cuz him and whole family will be enjoying the Labor Day picnic parties at the beach. Monday, today, father decides to say viciously that I'm a BAD DAUGHTER. I reacted badly. I was seriously suicidal in June and this site has helped me A LOT. I refuse to go down that deep dark tunnel ever again. So, I told him that I am NOT a Bad Daughter, he has 8 children and only me is here with them. Does he think anyone can do a better job of caring for them than me? He said yes. He will use his money to hire. I said fine. You go find someone, and I will pack up and leave. It just got vicious, I started crying (rarely do-sign of weakness.) I called sil of next door that I'm dressed up and walking out. Send someone NOW to care for them cuz I can no longer handle this and if I don't get help, I will kill myself. If that's the only way I can get away from them, then I will. I was just crying on the phone, all the way to the car, and driving to sis' house.

I'm home now. I came back at 3pm and SIL and daughter did not change father's pampers since lastnight. I walked in and the livingroom was stinking of his overnight urine smell. I didn't care. I sat down while sis came too for support. I finally changed them at 5pm. He was really soaking wet. And I had no feelings at all for him. He tried to talk nicely to me. But, his words this morning was so vicious that at the moment, I'm still numb. I'm really really sad right now. I think it's the depression trying to pull me back down that tunnel. I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I just feel so, so, sad.

Sis felt so bad. She tried all day to cheer me up. Went shopping but I was so quiet. Tried to get me to eat lunch but I just wasn't hungry. Still not hungry. He keeps trying to talk to me, I just can't talk to him. I just make the TV louder to drown him out.

Just venting. Actually, I wasn't go to comment until I read your post CG.

Sadinthepacific, I hate to say this to you while you're feeling at a loss on where you fit in the scheme with the inlaws. But, Please Just be Grateful that your husband has not invited them to live with you! Or even worse, to decide that you all move in with his parents! Count your blessings. Trust me, I've read enough on this site about those situations..... I believe that by the time your husband comes home, he's too tired to spend time with you and your son? I'm not a parent and it's kind of difficult for me to give you advice. But the only thing that keeps popping into my head is: can you and him put aside - even if it's once a week - time just for you and your son? May it be eating out - like MacD or Dennys, etc...? Or go to a movie? Or rent out a video that you all can enjoy (or pretend to enjoy since most males like violent shooting movies.) Maybe find a 30min TV show that the whole family can watch,laugh, etc??

i am wondering where i fit in the scheme of inlaws - dysfuntional, alcholism and mentally disturbed sister in law 5 minutes from my home. i've removed myself from helping out my spouse, concentrating on our pre-teen son. my spouse wants a "happy" home to return to after work or after helping elderly parents with medications, appointments...or de-fusing a situation with his "sponging off parents" sister. i respect him for helping but our immediate family suffers. we are living as room mates; sharing a home, scattered talks, no routine with his child...i would have loved having another child, but i foresaw things going down hill since father in law's heart attack years ago. i don't want to sound selfish as I write this...I am at a loss. My friends aren't in this position and no one really to discuss this with. Maybe someone out there knows how I feel. Thanks for your time.

Quechacare.....are you a lost sibling I did not know I have? LOL because you describe my mother to a T and this evening I was left feel totally unappreciated and kicked in the stomach. No, they don't change, the universe revolves around them in their reality, and while they do not try to change their situation they are miserable and accuse you of "being all self" for having a life outside of them....I set certain boundaries because I have an autistic son and hobbies I enjoy on the weekends after a stressful week at work....I get her groceries every Saturday, go up on Fridays to put out her garbage and recyclables, take her to appointments and the bank and if an emergency does arise, I go over there....I was informed today I am not willing to do anything extra for her and do nothing for her really...what a hurtful kick in the teeth considering my sister never calls or goes over to see her and has made it well known she cant be bothered doing the groceries or anything else because her cottage on the weekends and social life with her family comes first....she is upset with me because I decided today as part of my long weekend, I was going to watch movies and finish knitting which totally relaxes and destresses me...the elderly person home advises me that all of their residents end up there because family gets burnt out and the elderly family member become too difficult and nasty to deal with....I'm wondering if anyone else at this point is feeling totally devalued and unappreciated.

I could write a book about my family. Taking care of kids and kids father has dementia, he has no one left but his sister. And sister does not care about him at all. Leaves everything to me to deal with. I have no life no time to visit my family taking care of him and my kids. Work and no play. I can go on but i won't...Life sucks, and it takes a toll on me and my job and my kids. They hate there father which i don't blame them, cause he says things to them they don't like, and does not know how to be a dad at all. He yells all the time, so on. Hate my life. I forgot what normal life is all about and taking vacations and hanging out with friends.

cmagum good to see you posting and hope you are doing ok.

QuechuaCare67, there are some threads here about dealing with narcissistic parents. You can search for them using the search site in the upper right hand corner of this page.

Quechua~If you could provide some additional details such as are you living with your parents? Is your father's health declining and needs care that your mother is not providing? What is your mother's health situation aside from being narcissistic? This information will help us to provide you with support and information for your situation.

I'm thinking dealing with a narcissistic parent could be another thread! This is my first post here...and I need to figure how to stop argung with my mom...since as a narcissist it doesn't change her reality...and only makes me angry and/or feel guilty. But as an adult, I feel like I can and should stick up for my dad who has been the subject of her abuse since day one. Lot's of co-dependency issues obviously. She seems pleasant in her demeanor...but people don't see that nothing is ever good enough, she does nothing to improve her life but blames everyone else for it, makes up lies about her life and our family's life to make herself look superior and "prove" that her life has been so hard...when in reality she has been VERY privileged. I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!

Hi Ladee,

I was just reading your post about your work situation.
I'm very sorry that these two younger workers are making you feel this way.

While I was growing up, being the eldest of four siblings a lot was expected of me since my two parents were working full time. So we had no stay at home mom. Guess who became that person. My parents each in their own ways, favored my siblings for a variety of reasons, so there was definitely lots of favoritism at play in the family dynamics.

So I know for certain that this influenced the way I behave in situations, especially current day since my mom now is 92 yrs.old and my sister lives w/her, administrating the care w/paid caregivers. So if it's that I go there to relieve my sister when needed, or just to visit mom I on occassion get some kind of comment/dig/guilt trip by my sister who seems to think she's going to run things her way, no matter what. Now I understand when you say that you are on a healing path, and as I understand want to take the high road. I try doing the same w/my sister. She usually tries to do these kinds of things as a way also to make herself out to be the martyr, because that's who SHE is.

I realize that in a work scenario this is different, because all of you are getting paid to do this. But anyway, do you think these people are trying to look better in the eyes of your employer by this behavior? I would suggest if I may, as did Sharyn that you document some of this. We all want to take the hight road, but even I unfortunately get my buttons pushed by my sister even if I try not to allow this. But this is in a family dynamics.

Your feelings are valid, don't ignore them. Be aware w/these two co-workers.
Anyway, it is good that M & S's needs come first for you, and that their family realizes the truth of the matter. Lots of Love & Light! Margeaux

Yes, it is true that people who are not responsive can hear. I know from personal experience for 8 days.

It is true people who are not responsive can hear -we had a pt. years ago who was in a coma and some staff mostly nurses talked in front of her -they were sure she could not hear-well she did recover completely and told of what she had heard while in the coma. My husband was unresponsive most of the last two days of his life and he knew who was talking to him he would squeeze someones hand and try to smile with everyone but me-with me he would pretend he did not hear me and acted different with our son and daughter and granddaughter-I know he was trying to hurt me-he was big on punishments all our marriage-it was so hard on me I blocked it out in my mind until months later istarted thinking about it-that was the day my rings came off-and I knew he meant it when he always said he hated me.

Sharynmare, I think I remember you saying you worked in seed saving. We ate the best tomatoe EVER tonight and want to save the seeds. I have looked and looked, but can't find what you wrote about saving seeds. If you have time, could you post it again, or send me a note on my wall? We'd be grateful! Thanks, kimbee

U565425,

Oh, I re-read my post, sorry for some typos.
Margeaux

Hi U565425,
First of all, I'd like to thank you for a hug you posted, I believe it was almost a month ago. You sent me an explanation about your situation of which I had a lot of questions. Anyway, I noticed you'd been communicating more w/some others on this thread.

WOW! What a family story. Honestly U565, how do you deal w/your mom and sister!! I comment you for the trouble, and obvious good involvement you've shown w/your dad's health. What is it about other family members that do sabotage? Does your mother have some mental health issues?

Anyway, I feel for you that you had that ID theft committed against you and your husband, no less as I understood by your own sister!
I guess once the Dept. of Family Services has been enlisted it can get ugly, which is more than apparent by what you've described, of the nursing home trying to bar your visits to your dad.

Well this other post I read later re: your dad having signed over the DPOA, all orchestrated by your mother!! Given all the details you wrote, that he has had issues w/alcohol, brain damage how could a signature for DPOA be valid!
Maybe you should go speak to an attorney about this matter.

But I realize also, that when you loved one has suffered a stroke as is in the condition your dad is now in, time is of the essence. Well no matter how difficult all of this is for now, try to focus on when you are w/your dad w/the pureed food you prepare for him.

I understand this situation, as my dad who had cancer towards the very end of a his life suffered a stroke. He was hospitalized. Meanwhile, the DPOA's-mom, and then my brother; I must include my sis-the controller were all arguing one day in front of dad who was unconscious by now in his hospital room. I was so angry at them that day, and advised them to at least leave the room while they were having a heavy discussion about legal issues. Even though dad was unconscious, I felt or thought maybe he could hear what was going on! Well, they left the room. I stayed with dad and really this was to be my last time there w/him. I said little things in his ear. Dad squeezed my hand as if indicating he knew I was by his side. This for me, was my confirmation that he could hear what was being said.

Anyway, I know it's rough at this time for you. Hopefully while you are at least visiting, it's you and your dad by yourselves. You will be in my thoughts!
Love & Light! Margeaux