The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I am glad Austin that you stood up for yourself with your husband. I have read bits and pieces of your life and it was horrible for you. I am happy you have found peace now, you certainly deserve it!!

I received an email from my long lost brother in Montana. Apparently my sister called him over the weekend telling him what is going on with our paranoid mother. He wanted my version of it. So I told him everything mother has been doing regarding her accusations toward us but mostly toward my sister. I told him to google paranoid personality disorder to get an idea of what caused our mother to be the way she has been, especially when we were growing up. I don't know what my sister expects our brother to do.

((((((((((((((((((((((Frances))))))))))))) there was a time that I might have written close to what you did. Time to look after you rather than everyone else. Google the website "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" and learn about her and yourself. Forgive those who have put you down. and taken advantage of you, but protect yourself from it happening again. You need to be there for yourself too. I am 10+ years older than you and had to make a big change at about your age. My NM (narcissistic mother) is 100 now and still doing pretty well, but I look after me better. I had to learn to. Do not "do it again". Find some alternatives that work for you. Meet with a social services, your area department of aging, etc and find out what your options are. There are options. And come back and let us know how you are doing - even if it is only to vent. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))) Joan

Sooo difficult to tolerate...am floor matt to narcissitic mother - siblings who get on with their own lives....thought my family would be there - have had my full of fair weather friends - have had these values my entire 63 years - working hard, helping people, being there always for my family and friends, employers , etc - always getting kicked in the face, but getting back up again - not so easy anymore - and now at this time in my life - all want me to do it again. Am soooo disappointed - my own fault for having values and being so trusting - my next step out of this is a homeless shelter - I think its a good idea - may find my place....

Good for you overcomming it-I had to learn to stand up for myself while dealing with my husband and finally did acheive it before he died.

I worked very hard at not becoming like my mother...it was my fear too.For many years I did have her victim mentality but I was able to over come that too. It's a life long progress undoing the damage.

I know I will never be like my mother-she has taught me how not to be for sure.

Just look after you, John, you are so busy looking after others. Hope you sleep better.
jessie, mother and my sister do the same - use things I share against me.. I have had to learn the hard way not to share much, and it doesn't feel natural. It IS terrible when we have to hide from our own parents. I have a friend of many years who is from a "normal" family, and we have talked about our mothers. I will never forget her telling me that all she wanted was to be like her mother. The idea of being like my mother totally scares me - she is the last person I want to be like!

Thanks for your support.

Thursday, my wife will get an MRI done on her knee and we will see the doctor's assistant the following week. So, that is two more weeks until we have some sort of treatment plan.

I hope we both sleep better tonight also.

Cmagnum, it sounds like you and your wife are really going through it. I hope you both sleep well tonight.

Emjo, I don't tell my mother much of anything because she will ultimately use it as ammunition against me. I don't even tell her if I have a friend I'm meeting, because she will keep pushing at me to pursue the friend more if it is a man. She uses anything I tell her against me. And forget telling her anything bad -- she'll broadcast it to everyone she knows. I find it's best to just tell her what she needs to know. It's terrible when we have to hide from our own parents. I agree completely about not letting your mother know about your trip. She would probably be upset if you did not end up making the trip all about her. You need some time to grieve with your friend and not worry about your mother. Hugs to you.

Cmagum I am sorry you and your wife are both having health problems and hope both of you feel better soon.

Joan,

It might not be the visit itself as you say, but a combination of smaller things. Slept in to almost 3 today as did my wife, but was not able to get to sleep until late last night. She's not been able to sleep well with the pain in her injured knee. The doctor has ordered a CAT Scan for next week. He expects cartilage damage. She has some special pain meds, but since it contains a narcotic, she's careful to only take it when she really needs it for it knocks her out flat on her back. BTW, this now makes 5 weeks of dealing with this knee before which there was a foot problem, and before that a back problem, and before that carpal tunnel surgery.

Well, it is time for the nebulizer again.

Take care.

Love and hugs to all!

sharyn -I don't tell the whole truth either. As far as telling your mum that you will be away, she may react as my mother does. Mother has abandonment issues which are typical of her disorder, so she can feel that I am abandoning her when I go away and then she creates a crisis. It sounds like your mum is the same. I have gone so far as to check my voice mail at home when I am away, and if there is a call from her I want to answer I call her on my cell phone (she can't tell where I am when I use my cell phone. It has worked. These days she uses email more which is easier. I toltally sympathize with you not telling your mother the whole truth about your brother's health. She can't handle it well due to her mental health issues. I liken it to asking someone with a bad back to carry a heavy load. I wouldn't do it. I try to filter the information I give mother, so that it does not distress her unduely. That is not always possible, but sometimes it is. Good luck!.

Joan~I understand what you are saying about not telling your mother, I do the same thing. Unfortunately in the last couple years I have had to be creative in what I would tell my mother regarding certain situations, I use the word lie which may not be the right word for it. I did not tell my mother the whole truth about my brother's health situation because she takes it on and would have sent him all kinds of useless literature regarding it plus phones calls that become a problematic. She thinks she is being helpful. You know with a PD they don't seem to have the filters of when to leave someone be so instead bombard them with info that she believes is best for them and can't understand why they don't follow her advice. I am also debating whether to tell mother I am going to Idaho since the last two years when I went, she gave my sister all kinds of grief about how everyone is leaving her. I suspect she will stay paranoid too since it is a normal part of her personality.
Margeaux~Sounds like your sister may be feeling she has ignored you and good for you for introducing yourself!! My mother has not be officially diagnosed with a personality disorder but I have talked with a couple therapists who have said that is what is sounds like to them. Of course they would have to evaluate her to determine it and as one psychologist told me, she could have a PD plus bi polar. Either way she has a mental problem regardless of the diagnosis be official. We should have more info after we talk with a social worker this week. You are doing a great job standing up for yourself with your sister!!
MissSassy~That is great news about the meds making all the difference!! It must be a load off your mind to have a loving environment for you and the kids!!
Everyone have a day and enjoy the time with your family and friends. We are still in the 90's here but looks like 80's from Tuesday on. Looking forward to some cooler weather!!!!

MissSassy -so glad the meds are helping your kid's dad. Sounds like there has been a real turn around.
Margeaux - thanks. They are coping skills which we need when dealing with ill people. Not sure if I will drive yet, but probably - wait and see right now. It is good we have friends and other family who are loving and supportive -don't know what I would do without them. You wrote this about your sister "she employs behavior to make me feel as if I'm a second class citizen". I have epereinced this from my sister and also my mother. Truly I don't think your sister is anything but self-serving and I would be suspicious about her being "nice" to you after slighting you that way That is how narcissists are. They try to get you back in their good books so they can use you again or put you down. I used to think that maybe this time it would work out, but it never has. The put downs always followed sooner or later. The leopard does not change its spots. I would find itvery hard to relieve her for a weekend away after she has treated me like that. I finally told my sister "No more" until we have sorted out the obvious animosity between us. Of course, she claimed she had no animosity and denied ever doing or saying anything hurtful to me. So there it is.
Hope evryone is enjoying some sunshine and a nice weekend. Love , hugs and prayers, Joan

yes cmag - retail therapy - I think I needs more today - it is sinking in. I tend to be empathetic, and find it hard to shed the feelings. I know what my friend is going through. Glad the nebulizer helps. It may not be the last visit particularly but an accumulation of smaller things.
Thanks sharyn - I don't think I will have to lie to mother, just not tell her that I am going to be in edmonton. She communicates mainly by email so I can do that from anywhere. If she pushes it I don't have to answer or can simply say that now is not a good time for me to visit her, which is true. I also feel for my mother, but can't let those feelings get in the way of me looking after myself. I suspect your mum will stay poaranoid as she has been all along. You meniotoined her having to fight everything. Mother is like that. Everything is a battle. She has no thoughts of working things out, or cooperating with people. It is all fighting, winning, and forcing things her way, and putting others down. I think you are right it is a waiting game - I feel that is what I am in too, Wait and watch. Ramble away - that is what we are here for. I hope you get everything done before you go away, and I hope you have a great time.
coulditbeme - we do talk about our own dysfunctionalities here - we are part of the dysfunctional famlies. One of the things that happens when you have a parent with a personality disorder is that you continually wonder if it is you not them. They give you that message. I decided very early in life (preschool) that though I certainly had faults, I was not responsible for all that was being heaped on me, and that mother definitely had problems. This was confirmed later - much later - by professionals. That is not to say it was clear sailing for me by any stretch of the imagination, but somewhere deep inside I knew I was not at fault for everything of which I was accused. Do share your story with us when you are ready.

Last weekend I wrote about attending a funeral of my sis's boyfriend's mother.
I was just wondering about some mixed signals by my sister's behavior. While we were at the after reception, we were seated at a big table. Her boyfriends co-workers were seated right next to us. At some point, my sister introduced my sister in law, the caregiver, and mom. I was seated directly across from my sister, and she did not introduce me. I felt slighted by her, not to mention embarrassed with the co-workers, because they looked at me, like wondering, "well who is she."
I waited about a minute, then I introduced myself! When this happened, my sister started to apologize, and tried to suave it over saying, "oh this is my sister."

This is not the first time my sister done this to me in public. Usually it's not in my nature to display some kind of distaste for someone else's negligence. But this time I'm afraid, I did kind of say something like, 'yeah sure," under my breath.
I've reached a point somewhat w/regards to my controlling sister, and her behavior with regards to me that I've really grown tired of she behaving this way. Then in a few weeks she's going to call me up to come relieve her to take care of mom, so she can have a get away weekend w/her boyfriend.

Last week after this, it was rather interesting, because I received at least 3 phone calls from my sister all in the nature of keeping me informed of things going on w/our mom,. This was rather unusual, because many times my sister in an effort to control, w/make me feel like I have to kind of pull teeth w/her to get certain info, or inform me of something way after the fact. But you see, how she employs behavior to make me feel as if I'm a second class citizen?

Anyway, I somewhat found her calls last week a bit on the suspicious side, wondered if possibly she even felt kind of guilty that day for not making the introduction, and my reaction towards it. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Oh!!! I know you have been having quite a time w/your mom!
It's anyone's guess what different people will do once they have ALZ.
Everything you've written about very recently, with the episodes about your mom making accusations, not being able to remember, etc. This situation that you and your sister currently are in reminds me of what my sister was up against w/our aunt last year. We had another ingredient going on in our family. That is that mom is diagnosed w/ALZ. Her sister had congestive heart failure, diabetes, but was never mentally diagnosed. Since their financial asset were intermingled, this made it very convoluted. Since my aunt who already behaved as if she was my mom's parent, and this escalated when mom was diagnosed, we had a real problem on our hands w/our aunt. She had to have had a personality disorder also. But especially last two years of her life, she was exhibiting the same behavior like your mom is doing, especially not trusting the very people who are in her life. Well I remember when you wrote about the neighbor who is balancing her checkbook, so it's good she has someone like this.

My aunt, unfortunately had enlisted in the last few years of her life, a rotten attorney. He ended up improperly filing a reassessment of a property jointly owned by she and our mom. The attorney was supposed to do a transfer of a property into the Living Trust. This of course was done behind my sister's back when my aunt got a wild hair up you know where and while my sister was the POA. But our aunt was supposedly getting it revoked and reassigned to our youngest brother.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing all of this, is that I believe if someone has been super difficult all of their lives, (like our aunt) they're certainly going to up it several notches when they are elderly. These were the key moments during which I had suggested if there was a way for my sister to talk to and elder attorney or Area on the Aging. Certainly, while I think it's wonderful that elders want to remain independent, but for their own good some of them just cannot be in this position.

O.K., Sharynmarie, I know this must be a trying time for you. Hang in there!
My thoughts are with you! Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend's son. This is quite sad, a young person taking their own life.. My heart goes out to you to, since it is stirring up the loss of your Gordie.

Well, don't feel bad about not going to see your mom during the time you are to be there for the funeral. Lately it seems as if different people on this thread are feeling at odds with measures we feel must be taken, IMO they're coping skills. I think it's ultimately important to remember that if we who are the ones who either because of the role we play in our families, or because we sometimes put pressure upon ourselves still must use whatever it takes to make things less stressful. I know I do certain things whenever I go into the den of cobwebs over at mother's house.

O.K. Emjo, you're in my thoughts! Be safe on your drive there to Edmonton.
Much Love, Love & Light! Margeaux

Isn't it good that we do have other friends and family we do feel close to at least?
I have some friends like this, and I'm so thankful!

Update on how I am doing, Doctor refuse to sign papaers for Laguna Honda, the good news he is on Meds and being nice and loving to his family and wants to cook for everyone and being patient no more yelling or demanding so on. Enjoying life no more outburst no more repeating himself saying I am disable, I can't walk so on. No more Negativilty from him its all positive. I am happy kids happy but not used to him being nice now slowly they are getting used to him being loving dad not a mean dad...Have a great day..

Cmag this thread is a blessing to so many folks and will be for those to come down this path-you did good my friend!

Random comment.

This thread has now reached 1284 posts since its inception on January 5, 2012. That is an average of slightly more than 140 posts per month. Wow! This is one active thread which is great to see and definitely touching a need.

sharyn, I see what you mean. That is a mess.

cmag~It's a springing DPOA meaning it can not be used until my mother is legally incompetent. This is why it is so difficult to help my mother. As long as she is not considered legally incompetent, she can do whatever she wants and we have little support to stop her.

sharyn, I don't know how your DPOA for your mother is worded, but the way my Durable POA for my mother is worded, it went into effect immediately. How is yours worded?

I welcome your new thread. Our dysfunctions would be a great thread also.
Looking forward to reading. I wish great Success on your new adventure.

Joan~I am so sorry for your friend. It is so tragic to a family when a member takes their own life just as it is tragic to lose a member so young. It is understandable that it would bring up your own feelings about your Gordie and not wanting to deal with your mother when you go to Edmonton for the funeral. I know we are taught not to lie especially to our parents but under the circumstances, I would do the same thing. Retail therapy is good once in a while, I bought a pair of shoes from QVC today! I needed a new pair so it was practical but it also helped me feel a little better about my mother. As horrible as she has been as a mother with the personality disorder and all the abuse growing up, I can't help but feel so much compassion for her with the Alz and knowing that she must be soooo paranoid right now to write a note to my sister (thinking that my sister is watching her every move).

APS told my sister that no one is available to talk with her on the weekend unless it is an emergency so she will have to wait until Monday. My sister may not want to call from work because she has no privacy to make the call without everyone hearing her conversation. I may have to do it on Tuesday when I'm off again.

Jessie~I have read on this site where people has said that their parent progressed past this paranoia stage but with my mother I'm not sure how that will work because she has a paranoid personality disorder too. I hope that is what happens. In the mean time she is targeting my sister big time because my sister does have access to her accounts and my sister's financial situation is very tight and my mother knows that so that is why I think she targets her and not me. Plus my mother always has thought of me as being irresponsible and not being able to handle money. To this day she believes I do not know how to balance a checking account, Lol!! My sister is the one who made a lot of bad decisions during her adult life and I have been very stable through my adult life but you know how it is, parents makes a decision about their children when the child is young and that is what they stick with regarding that child.

APS can intervene when an elderly parent is making bad decisions for themselves, putting themselves in danger, and not able to take care of themselves. In my mother's case, I do not know if she is legally incompetent yet. She is making bad decisions, can't balance her checkbook anymore, and is very paranoid and distrustful of me and my sister. We are trying to avoid losing DPOA when she does become incompetent but we may have to give it over to the state because of her paranoia and distrust. I am guessing that my mother is entering the 4th stage now. She can't organize her thoughts to deal with paperwork anymore but she can still take basic care of herself and the house. I do believe she will get worse with her paranoia before it gets better, if that makes sense. If she would only agree to take an antidepressant to help with the anxiety she has, it would make her life so much more pleasant, but because of the PD, all she wants to do it FIGHT everything that comes up and anyone who gets in her way. In a lot of ways it just comes down to a waiting game of when things progress enough so my sister and I can activate the DPOA when she becomes legally incompetent. We want to follow my parents instructions regarding their Living Will but we can't do that until she becomes incompetent.

I have so much on my mind right now that I could just ramble on and on but it would solve anything right now. Bless you for saying I am a angel for hanging on this long as I do not feel like and angel by having to lie to mother and distance myself from her for my own sanity but I have no choice and it keeps me healthier!
I hope everyone has a great weekend with their family and friends♥. I am off Tuesday-Friday next week have lots to do those 4 days!! Thanks for letting me vent and ramble on!!! Hugs to everyone!

It sounds so much about the dementia I've read about in many people, Sharyn. I have met quite a few people with Alz lately. Some seem happy and are very pleasant, though I know their caregivers are ever watchful. Come to think of it, everyone I've met lately with Alz has been pleasant. It may be because the ones that are angry and violent are kept at home or in a facility. I've read it can be pretty bad as the disease progresses through the middle stage. I thought my mother might have Alz for a while, but now I think it was just drugs making her so bad. It was very bad, so I know a lot of what you are going through. I didn't know what to do when she became violent and nasty.

APS was a good idea. I do not know how much they can do. I know they investigate abuse, but they do so much more. I had a friend in Columbus, GA, who used to take mentally ill people shopping as part of her job. She would take them one at a time. I know her job was interesting. :)

A lot of people write that people get past the nasty stage of dementia as they progress. I don't know how long that can take. You are an angel to hang in there with your mother. I know many people would have already given up.

retail therapy!

I used my nebulizer which helped.

Yes, it would be helpful if I could figure out why this visit was more draining. I am clueless.

Thanks cmag. I went out and shopped today to get my mind off it, and it worked. I found some small jars for canning as I want to send some chutney and/or jams for gifts. This is a new venture for me. I only canned once many years before. Sorry to hear about your allergies - mine seem to be year round, but thankfully I don't get asthma. Also sorry to hear that seeing your mum was more draining this time. It would be good if you could figure out why - it might help you look after yourself and avoid it happening again. I don't see my mother unless I feel up to it. It is too stressful. If something happened to her, I would go regardless, but on a routine basis I go when I feel up to it.

Emjo, I'll be praying for you.

sharyn, my new meds are doing fine. It is allergy season now and my asthma is acting up. I'm going by the drug store to pick up some albuterole to use with my nebulizer.

I visited my mother two days ago in the nursing home. It normally takes about a day to regain some energy, but this time it has taken two days for some reason that I cannot put my finger on.