The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi Everybody,

I just wanted to say that I've been reading all of your posts about humor.
I think it's necessary for all of us to laugh, in the most trying of circumstances of which I know many of us face here. Humor is something that really gets us through the difficult times, and really it takes our minds to another level, and hopefully past emotions such as anger, fear, resentment. It is a coping skill.
It's one thing to feel empathy and all of that for someone who can no longer do the things one is accustomed to in their daily lives. But let us not get accustomed to lack of humor and laughter in our lives! Much Laughter & Humor to all,
even if others don't think it's funny! Much Love, Margeaux

Good Morning Emjo,

How are you doing? I had posted something for you yesterday, and I didn't find it.
Anyway, I was reading what you posted re: feelings about grief. I think grief is very particular for each and every one of us. I cannot imagine the grief a mother must feel, but I am aware this is a very difficult position for a parent to be in, no matter how many years may have passed. Believe me I do know that feeling of having many people around at the very initial period when one has first lost their loved one.

I remember going through this, when I lost my dad. Everyone was there at the funeral, and I had a good girlfriend call me a few weeks after. But then say a few mos. later when I could have used that same attention by some people, they'd all disappeared. This good girlfriend in particular had become too busy with a new boyfriend. It's too bad then, some of us here have strange relationships within our own families, so we can't count on them either.

So maybe given the fact if this is re-triggering some feelings for you, I'm sure you'll go with your gut instinct, as to attend the funeral. But this is where it's going to be much more important for both of you, down the road. Now the two of you have experienced something very difficult. These are the times she's going to need someone to talk to. Who knows, it will probably be really healing just as well for you.

I say that there is no time limit for grief. O.K., Emjo, you're in my thoughts!
Big, can I say Bear Hugs?? Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

I'm doing ok with the exception that neither my body nor my mind is ready to sleep at 10 or 11 pm and thus I'm up until about 3 or so before being able to fall asleep. Then, I wake up around 6 feeling sleepy and then go back to bed for a few more hours. Even walking the dog has not helped me go on to sleep. I about think I need a sleeping pill.

sharyn - mother has cried wolf so many times that I take it all with a pound (not a pinch) of salt now. Of course, one day they will find something wrong with her, and she will say "I told you so". Whatever! She is 100 and something will go wrong, as it will with all of us. I know that mother would have told the nurse at her ALF in the middle of the night to be sure to call me right away . When I talked with the nurse the next morning, mother had complained of abdominal pain. Frankly, I suspect it was gas. When I talked to the ER staff they said they found nothing. Mother emailed me last night and said she still had a fever, and the ALF nurses were looking after her. She also said her doctor had done tests. Neither the ER or the nurse said anything about a fever. So I am not too concerned. All her tests come back normal except her liver is not great but her doc hasn't told her that, and I think it is better that way. She does the "dying swan" act too much as it is. Last time she was in hospital the symptoms changed daily. All it says to me is that, in fact, she is doing well, as it is business as usual. I understand you being upset at your mum's tears, though with the alz they may come more easily now. Just remember with narcissism, even real emotions will be used to manipulate others.
austin - I do something similar with telephone advertisers. I listen a little then ask them to repeat themselves as I didn't hear - I do that a couple of times -then say "Oh I am not interested in THAT! Please take me off your list", and I hang up.
jane - how did it go and how are you feeling?
kimbee - hope things aren't too crazy at your house - let us know when you have a minute
margeaux, cmag, book, everyone - keep in touch

Joan~I am happy your mom was sent home and it was nothing serious. The way you handled it by realizing if it was a serious situation, the hospital would have called you was an excellent point to share. I don't know if under the circumstances I would have thought of that.
Austin~I love your response with the hearing problem, great solution! It's funny what we can come up with to save of sanity.
Jane~I hope you are feeling better today.

I am off wednesday-saturday so I will have plenty of time to finish up things before we leave for Idaho on Oct. 1. We are getting excited, my hubby wanted to bring our bikes but I told him, we haven't ridden them in so long and I don't want to go for a bike ride in Idaho then spend the rest of the time being so saddle sore I can't sit for a few days, Lol!! BTW Joan~love the sticking out the tongue, haha, I will have to remember that one!! Hugs to everyone!!!!

Thx austin. I just found out that she is being sent home from Emergency. They didn't find anything wrong. Recently her doctor told her to call him rather than coming in when she is not feeling good. I think she just needs attention. She is saying that she is on her way out, her stomach, her heart etc. etc. but the hospitals never find much wrong with her. Her test results for a 100 yr old are excellent, though apparently her liver is not great, other that that everything is fine. She dwells on herself - the narcissism. Just another minicrisis. I heard the phone ring in the middle of the night and didn't check it till this morning. It was her ALF to tell me she was going to hospital. I need my sleep! I knew if it was a real emergency the hospital would call.
Re the bears, they live in the ravine across the road from the house, and we see them regularly. This time of year they look for food in preparation for the winter hibernation. I would think it was a small bear judging from the scat size.
You are right about seeing that the sky does not fall in when you start setting limits, and it does get easier. I like your hearing problem! :)

I never read mommy dearest did not need to I lived it growing up.

Emjo I am sorry your Mom is in the hospital I will pray for wisdom for the doctors and that she will be ok. I have read that the reason we have bear sightings is because the mamma bear kicks them out when they are 2 yrs. old and they are homeless talk about your narcissic mothers I was six when my mom thought I was a grown up unfortunatly she did not kick me out -just used me as a slave. Jane start small with the boundaries and when you see the sky did not fall down it will get easier-with the husband I just developed a slight hearing problem when he started to bellow and waited about 20 min then said oh did want me for something I couldn't hear you and took it from there.

Hi Jane
know the feeling - my mum has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic.
Just breathe deep, set with your boundaries, and stick to them, and know it is not your problem - it is his problem. You probably know how he will react, so prepare yourself for that, and even rehearse your responses out loud if you intend to give any, and if you think that would be helpful. You don't have explain or justify yourself. Sometimes a simple response reflecting the other person's feelings can help e.g. I can see you are... angry, disappointed, frustrated or whatever. Don't get drawn into an argument. Practice some relaxation techniques, know that this too shall pass, and that he is the one with the problem, and if needed, you can simply leave, and go out into the sunshine. Your sense of humor will come back if you give it a little encouragement. Go home after, and listen to some music, watch a good movie, read a good book, go for a drive in a scenic area, cuddle your pet if you have one, call your friend, - do something you like, and pat yourself on the back for how far you have come. I am rooting for you and sending prayers. Come back and let us know how you did and how you are feeling ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and courage - Joan

I am not doing well today. I am sick to my stomach, have lost my appetite and am dreading the drama and etc. that are going to follow my boundary setting (therapy last week, this site, reading, discussuing with friend, prayer). I'm going to have to set some boundaries or I am going to be going down for the count. Mom is skilled nursing facility, going on five years, Dad still leaves at home. The dysfunction is raging now as he is ill. I know I have to set some boundaries, but I am dreading the reaction. So, today I'm not feeling too good. Miss my sense of humor.

((((((((((((sharyn))))))))))) I am sorry that your mum has to go through this. Unfortunately the personality disorder and AD probably make it harder for her to deal with. But comfort yourself that it is a safety issue, and she is will be off the road, and you won't have possible future accidents to deal with. I will laugh with you - good stress reliever and go into the padded cell too. Hope you are about ready for your trip.

Kimbee - welcome to the padded cell anytime. You really are having a time of it. You did well to call the other girl scout leader, and to get mum to bed and stroke her hair. What an ordeal!!! No, you can't live like that. It is impossible. I am so sorry there was yet another theft from your husband's business.What are your future plans for mum? I am concerned that one or both of you will get injured from her falling.

austin - I don't think they will ever stop. My mother says all she wants is for my sis and I to have a good relationship, then sets up games between us, which my sis joins into - I back off. I have been in, and out, and back into her will, and decided that I wouldn't concern myself about any inheritance - makes life much easier. It is only money, and peace of mind is more important. They will pick on anyone!

Got a call that mother is in hospital again - abdominal pain. Last time they didn't find much wrong, and sent her home with excessive laxatives which did cause harm - they weakened her. I have to make sure they don't do that again, I don't know what she will tell them. She tends to decide what she wants, and goes in and tells them the appropriate story in order to get it.

Sun shining here, and many golden leaves on the trees. Maybe time to take the camera out again. We had bear scat on the front lawn the other day. I was up in the middle of that night, and Toonie was growling and hissing ferociously at something outside. His new name is the (would-be) Bear Slayer. Had he been out he would have tackled it. Makes me a little nervous about walking in the woods. This is the time of year you most often see bears. Everyone, hope you are having a good weekend - (((((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Well hell, that's what my son calls ME, and not ONE TIME did I EVER use a clothes hanger on him.... not once....

"Mommy Dearest" about Joan Crawford by her daughter Christina Crawford.

I do not my brothers realize what dearest mom or mom dearest what ever the name of that book about an actress- my brother indicated that he believes what our mother says about our sister-I can only imagine what she says about me. She even picks on the man who bought her house -he says he gets her zingers also-I told him why should he not her rath -the rest of us do-he is a friend of my bother who lives next door to him.

Austin~I am sorry your mother is pitting all of you against each other. I know how you feel, my fear when my mother passes is that we will not hear from my brother D anymore. It is so sad that a person can tear a family apart like that. Hopefully your siblings will realize what your mother is doing. Hugs to you!!

Book~You are very right, I need to shrug this off. As I told you, my mother never cries tears, but yesterday she just tore me up with her tears. I did not expect this to happen, to feel this way so I started to feel guilty about having a good time laughing about being in a padded cell. It's not anyone's fault here, it's just my emotions running. This is why my brother D who lives locally can't get involved with my mother, his emotions become to overwhelming for him to deal with. It will take me a few days to work through this so in the mean time keep a door to a padded cell open for me!!..Love and Hugs, Sharyn

It sounds like my mom is still pitting us kids against each other -yesterday we went-my brother and I -to see our 95 yr.old aunt in rehab she fractured her hip and on the trip we talked and my mother who lives in a beautiful apartment owned by my bil and pays very little rent-she can afford it she sold her house with lots of land 22 yrs ago when the market was great and had a civil service job so gets a good pension and free health insurance-she was complaining to my brother how she pays to have the lawn moved and for gravel for the drive etc. of course she did not tell him how demanding and selfish she gets to my sister and bil after she passes us sibs probably will never get together because of things she has said but no sense worrying about what can't be helped.

Sharyn, the only person you would offend with OUR WEIRD sense of humor would be NON-CAREGIVERS. I have a lot of siblings. I have noticed that my sense of humor is totally different from theirs. What they find as funny, I don't. What I find as funny, they don't. Actually, they think I'm being Sarcastic.

But, I think because we, as caregivers, have to put up a lot of yucky stuff, and our parent's terrible disposition towards US but not to other family members/outsiders - in order for us to survive this abuse - we have a strange way of viewing it. I have found so many things funny here. When I try to tell it to sis, she doesn’t think it’s funny nor that it is a laughing matter. You see, they live Normally. We, as caregivers, need to find humor in our life or else we go crazy or get a nervous breakdown. So, I just shrug it off and still laugh …though it’s "not a laughing matter"… ;)

Yesterday I had a good laugh to release stress. Alzheimer's is not a laughing matter but we each deal with stress in our way. Sometimes it so difficult to determine whether Alzheimer's is at work or my mothers paranoid personality disorder. Because of abuse dysfunctional I have spent most of my life Being unhappy depressed and angry. I try to lighten the situation bu making it silly/hilarious to releive the stress frustration of seeing my mother delcine. My intentions were not to offend anyone by it.

Kimbee~You are welcome to the loony bin anytime. We all feel like sometimes. I hope things are settling down for you!

Austin~I am sorry, I didn't word that too well. On the form was a direct question asking if the dr. thought the patient should be driving, he checked yes. Further down the form was blank space and he wrote in there that because of memory impairment he advised that the patient not drive. Because of that, I thought he was throwing it back onto DMV to test my mother. My mother can appeal but I don't think she will.

Margeaux~Yes, having the information and being informed helps to be prepared. I can't wait to see my daughter and go shopping with her. I miss that since she moved there. I will have both my babies home for Thanksgiving too!! It will be great for my mother to see both my son and my daughter together. I am thinking about you too and you are doing great standing your ground with your sis! Love and Hugs!!

Hi Sharymarie,

The attorney you spoke with, sounds like she knows her stuff.
At least you have the information about much costs would come to, and she really sounds like she's not pressuring you. Better to be informed, before any of these circumstances come to a head.

We too, the four siblings recently met with an attorney, also a woman.
She also knows her stuff, from what I observed.

But anyway, these are things anybody in your shoes is way better off knowing.
Given what you've shared about your sister's health, you have to prepare yourself.
Of course this doesn't mean you must go ahead and seek a conservatorship as your only means of action, ether. I certainly never grow tired of hearing whatever people say on this thread. This is really the way we come to know one another too.
Anyway, take it slowly, and I'm thinking about you!
Have a great time on your trip to Idaho! Much Love, Margeaux

Shary I am confused if the doc did not check off that she should not drive why are they pulling her license-which you said was for the best anyway-so it sounds like she will not be driving anymore and I thought that is what you wanted to happen-are there buses in your area or can she afford to take a taxie-some senior centers or office of the aging have transportation services -not free but less expensive than usuall private transportation.

Hi all, Save me a cell in the looney bin... Oh what a day yesterday. My mom was on a serious crazy roll. And in full NM mode all day as I tried to get ready for long beach weekend. She fell enroute, of course in public bathroom. I caught her as she slammed into a baby changing station. I woke up after few hours sleep at the beach to find she was up, and had removed the seashell potpourri items from their container, and oh so nicely decorated a folded washcloth on sink, and the full toilet tank surface with little shells and do-dads. She was psychotic, believing a delusion that she failed as a girl scout leader because she lost the 4 young teens who she was chaperoning last night. They stayed in her room (all 5 in Q bed!!) and kept her up all night. She did make sure they didn't let any boys into our condo, and was quite proud of that but very upset that those girls had gone missing from her room. As it's better not to challenge those types of delusions, I told her I was sure they had just gone on for a walk on the beach, and maybe some breakfast. Back to bed...I woke up a short time later, just in time to catch her as she fell, and slammed her head into the wall. Got her seated and iced her head and hand. She went on and on about being negligent w girls, and time for her to retire from girl scout work. Had to find out what happened to the girls. Hubby said he saw them walking on the beach w/ one of the other ladies. She could not get out of her delusional worry, so I finally fake called the "other leader" on the cell to find out she met the girls on the beach and took both groups to meet the others at the restaurant. She would be happy to take over mom's duties for the weekend, and totally understood her need to take care of herself after falling. In fact she could see why mom would want to retire, and they would miss her. She did not seem to be hurt, other than the jolt of hitting the wall. Finally got her in the bed for a nap, but she was talking manically until I "took a nap with her" and rubbed her back. Still yacking, I finally rested my hand on her back and neck, and stroked her hair until she calmed and slept. (No signs of concussion). She later snuck into bathroom, ran in there just in time to prevent another fall as she got most of her but on about 1/10th of the commode. Jeeze. We cannot live like this. Not sure we can even bring her to the beach for our vacation in Oct., my bro n SIL won't be able to manage her, don't think we can manage the one bathroom break. Told her we'd go to a big diaper for the next drive, and she thought that was hilarious. My poor husbands day off, he gets a call that they discovered more theft at his business, this time of components of equipment that are needed constantly and replacement cost is around $50,000. We looked for used equipment on net all afternoon. Well, gotta run. Joan, thinking of you, glad you are home, sounds better. Sharynmarie, get the keys away, might as well really steal something! TTYL, if I can, hugs, Kim

My mother received notice from DMV today. Her license is invalid beginning Sept. 24, 2012. She is devastated, crying and just breaking my heart even though I know it is for the best. She can appeal and is thinking about but I know she won't. I have to eat my words for being angry with her dr. for not checking the box that said she should not be driving. He knew what he was doing and I probably was expecting more.

Reganee, you're so right. It's hard to do anything if the person refuses help. But, please come back here and VENT. It really does help....

Sometimes, the posters get silly/hilarious as a way to vent their frustrations. Plus it helps us to laugh and you've heard that laughter is good for us. And there's some of us who so serious, that we vent seriously (that's me!) But, I think if I hang around long enough here, their antics will affect me and I can loosen up enough to be silly back to them... Take care, and please come back! HUGS to you!!!

Laughing is good medicine years ago I read about a very sick man who had memtal problems and he said he cured himself over a period of years by watching funny old movies and laughing-he was quit famous but can not remember his name be he was convinced it was by laughing that he cured himself two groups I belong to one we make cancer pads and the other do knitting and crocheting of items to donate and we laugh a lot in both groups and the time flies by and is so much fun I never miss going to either group.

I like your comment that mom will say it is my sis's fault. Sometimes I don't know who I feel more empathy for...my mother or my sister. I am going over there tomorrow to try and get the notes away from her. Not that it will stop her from writing more notes, but maybe she will have a few days of peace before it starts again. I wore myself out laughing so much earlier, at least I got my sister laughing about it too!!

We are cross posting here . Yes, that is right that you cannot force her to get treatment. What a load you have, with your mother and your sister, but particularly your sister. It does sound crazy, Sometimes all you can do is emotionally detach, and also set some boundaries.to protect yourself. It is very hard to see a loved one not care for themselves and as a result go down hill. Can you let us know more how it is affecting you?

Hi reganee - welcome to the dysfunctional family caregivers. . You say your sis in in deep decline. Is she depressed or does she have some other condition? What causes the falling? Has her behaviour always been difficult or is this new? If an adult is legally competent you really can't force them to seek treament., as far as I know. There are others on this website with the same problem with a family member. However, you do not have to subject yourself to her bad behaviour, nor do you have an obligation to look after her. Have you sought advice from social services or the local agency on aging? It sounds like she is quite a burden. You and her daughter are entitled to your own lives, and to live freee of abuse. Another group you that might be helpful is Adult Protective Services.Do tell us a little more about what is happening. and maybe we can help you make it better.((((((hugs))))))