The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Mom is in better spirits today. Margeaux, she walked just 2 blocks away, not far it's a small city so the blocks in residential areas are short. It's just a little sore at the bottom of her toe and I don't think it hurts her, she wears flat sandles with socks. Her phone will be reconnected any time between now and midnight. Comcast came right at 8:30 this morning setting up the tv with cable...no more direct tv which was part of her Verizon phone bundle. Only thing is, because mom cancelled before the 2 years was up, she will be penalized. I can deal with my mother and the Alzheimer's, I struggle with her with when she becomes defiant or refuses to cooperate. My sister was irritating me again today. Sis has a controlling nature to her personality and she values people with higher education so she has modeled a personality of someone who is intellectual but she herself isn't. When she is around our mother, she takes on this personality trait that can be very irritating. She talks down to our mother and mom picks this up...that is why the two of them clash so much. She tries too hard to impress mom (looking for acceptance and approval) when she really needs to back off and be REAL with her.I know these things about my sister are a result of a dysfunctional upbring...somewhere along the way she decided that people who are highly educated aren't dysfunctional. I am not saying she isn't intelligent...just saying she is not an intellectual. After the cable was all connected, I took mom over to Wal-Mart, she needed a new wallet. The one she is using is literally falling apart. I put together a beautiful bouquet with silk flowers for the master bedroom. As I have gotten older, I use more color in my clothing and decorating. I think it is because I am more confident...sounds silly but when I was younger, I stayed with very neutral colors because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Thank you for thinking about mother, I appreciate it. Love and hugs Margeaux and I hope everything is going well for your mother!!

Sharynmare,

How's your mom doing after this infection on her toe, and the UTI?
Your mom has certainly had you live another lifetime in a matter of a few days, hasn't she! Does this lady she worked with live very far from your mother's place?
How kind/sweet of her to take her to the dr's. that day.

I sure hope you can with the help of the Elder Law attorney start to put the necessary things in place, such as her bank because it really looks as if it's time

Your observation is right on about Kathy. One would imagine that no matter how difficult your mom is, whether this be attributed to a personality disorder, emotional immaturity or whatever, the point is that we want them to eventually HOPEFULLY cooperate for their benefit. I hope for your sake, Kathy starts to see the light.

Where did your mom walk to, with her toe in that condition? Your attitude and what you told her is great! Humor!

Yes, the Day of the Dead is interesting. Incidentally, St. Patrick's Day was my dad's birthday! So I still have to try making some corned beef and cabbage.
I have a very good Irish girlfriend, so I'm going to ask her for a recipe! Irish culture is very interesting. I saw something about Belfast last week, it's absolutely beautiful!

Oh, silk flowers. O.K. Sharynmarie, you're definitely in my thoughts!!
Sending tranquil vibes your way!
Much Love & Light to you & yours, Margeaux

Margeaux~I am sorry to hear about your mom's memory. Seeing your mother dance and I picture it in my mind, I see your dancing and waving like she is the queen of the ball!! What a wonderful sight that must have been and how happy she was during that moment in time. I hope you are able to go in Dec. and video her or just get some pictures.

We tried to get mom's checkbook from her but she blew up at us, won't cooperate as usual. We do have an upcoming appt. with her elder law attorney and we are going to present him with a list of what is going on with mom in hopes he may help mom to willing give over control of her finances or even if he can get her to agree to let the bank pay her bills would make things less stressful. I knew she would put up a fight but something has to be done now rather than later.

I love the idea of The Day of the Dead. I worked with a lady some years ago who told me about that. When I was going to church regularly, we also celebrated All Saints Day November 1st. My visiting my dad on St. Patrick's Day, which in Ireland is a national holiday and a religious holiday too, gives me comfort in honoring his memory. Most people here associate St. Patrick's Day with drinking and tieing on one. Margeaux, I send you love and hugs hoping your mother is well!!

Emjo,

It's funny, I've been catching up reading some posts, was getting ready to ask whether Canadians celebrate by eating turkey for their Thanksgiving, and then you'd posted. Well, Happy Thanksgiving first of all!

Oh, I do know about what you've written when you've lost acquaintances, and the address book changes, after you've lost a loved one. But I think it's important and good that you do have your own particular rituals as to how you remember Gordie. That is absolutely beautiful! I do some of this too.
We can remember our loved ones in these ways, and one of the most therapeutic ways is through their favorite foods. In my culture we celebrate The Day of the Dead, Mexican culture. It's all about basically putting out the loved one's pictures, and any commemorative memorabilia about their lives to honor them. Then, well the food part is probably thee most important. It is customary to cook the loved ones favorite foods so as to invite their spirit back, to remind them we have not forgotten them. This holiday is coming up, is actually November 1st, coinciding with All Saints Day. I've recently tried cooking fresh cactus, which my father grew in his beautiful garden prepared and we ate. So I became brave about a week ago, and did this from scratch, as there is some preparation involved to make this dish.
I do like to cook. You're post BTW, Emjo inspired me when you wrote about chutney, which I've a recipe yet to try, and the canning. I've always wanted to try my hand at canning.

My mother is doing well Emjo. She is in a decline with her memory. My sister tells me she thinks that mom has possibly really lost her short term memory.
Aside from this, my sister, and brothers recently took her to an afternoon dance.
Mom used to be quite the dancer w/dad. Even though you know I've written about how she uses a walker, really doesn't do regular exercise. But apparently,
like we say here in the US, "She was in her element," at this dance. My brothers danced with her, of course very slowly. My sister says she had a smile from ear to ear. They did have a live band. Mom was apparently getting lots of attention.
So by the end of the dance, she was waving at people as she danced by their tables. I couldn't attend this function, but there's one coming up in Dec.
I would like to attend, and get it on film.


Anyway Emjo, thank you for asking about mom.
Have a wonderful turkey dinner, or whatever it is you are cooking with Gary.
Much Love, you and your's are in my thoughts! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

How are you?? I went over to the "You," thread, and read what has been happening with your mother. Yes, as you have said, "things are happening fast."
I remember when mother had that fall that I wrote about that sent her to the hospital, then the pacer placement, etc. At the same time, her sister was in another hospital for a bad infection on her foot; diabetes.

Well, take some deep breadths. This story also what you had to go through with Verizon! I was w/o my cell phone, also Verizon about 3 mos. On the one hand, I did like that, we did function before the cell phone era. But then again, and I definitely know as in someone as your mom's case, well the phone is an absolute necessary. I just received my phone yesterday, so I had to go through setting it up w/my husband, (who is very impatient), so was not a fun experience at all for me, but thats another story.

Anyway, I send big hugs your way, and I'm thinking of you & yours.
Much Love, Peace & Harmony! Margeaux

Lildeb,

Thank you. I know from what I've read about your story you more than have a big heart. You are one strong woman taking care of mnl. Given what you've shared about your background, I can see why also.

How is your mnl doing these days?
Thank you also for all of the great advice you give to us.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

One hurdle has been jumped...mom authorized Verizon to disconnect her service which they did yesterday at 5pm. I called billing directly this morning explained the situation. Since her account is closed they have to make a new account and luckily her old number was still available so I put the account my name and the bill will be sent to my sister since she can sign on mom's accounts. No more headaches with Verizon and my mom. Now we (sis and I) are going to get her finances away from today which is going to be a battle but we have to do it. This is not the first time I have had to deal with Verizon because of changes my mother would authorize. I don't know if we may have to change all my mother's bills into our names or how we will go about this so that everything is sent to my sister. I am hoping we can just change addresses. I got over to mom's eariler and gave her the antibiotic. Now I am going to try to get a nap (already) I have been up since 3am and its going to a stressful day with mom once my sister gets here.

Joan~I am glad you will get to see the grandkids through visits and having them over for dinner. It's too bad your daughter is going through this and hopefully she can get to a place where she can put it all in the past. It's funny how we can raise children the same and one will have lots of anger as an adult. Enjoy your day honoring your son. Spend some quiet time with him on the bench.♥♥♥!!

sharyn - I totally understand that you visit you dad on St. Patrick's Day, cook irish meals and so on. To me it honours their memory, You mentioned he loved roses before. So do I, and have planted some in memory of Gordie and others. You ARE having a time of it with your mother.So glad your mum's ex coworker is helpful. Actually I am an introvert too and need lots of down time.. They would not say it where I worked as you have to be "out front" with the students, but that is a "persona" you put on for the job.
marg thank you for your insights. Yes, she is like your niece and self centered. I don't call unless there is something specific to talk about - like "Would you like these beds for the kids?" I have a couple of books I have to return to her, but they can wait. Em, my granddaughter goes on messenger to video chat with me so I can keep contact that way with her. A while ago I asked dd what cookware she had, as I was thinking about buying a new set and she invited me to come over and see the ones she has. I did and thought the visit went well - go figure. So the messages are mixed. I am glad we spoke about it, as it was like the elephant in the room. She is angry, at me, no doubt, probably from childhood, but she has to deal with it. Strange as she is the child I have helped the most, but perhaps asked the most of too. She is 47 now and is perimenopausal, and I expect that isn't helping. Life goes on, and I will have a good one regardless.
stormyyyyyyy - thank you so much for coming over here, and letting me know that you are thinking of me, It is a difficult today, and yet, stormy, as I was waiting for midnight last night before posting Happy Birthday to Gordie on facebook, I could truthfully say that I am glad he is safe in heaven, and doesn't have to face the troubles of the world. I am not glad I haven't seen him in 10 years, and I miss him daily, but I am glad he is where he is, and I know I will see him again. He was special - a very warm and generous guy.I am very touched by your post here. Come back any time. I see you are still doing the same things with your dad, and I know it is hard, and especially with taking time away from your precious son. Love to you too,
Book thanks for the hug -I''ll get back to you. My granddaughter (9 yrs old) is old enough to go on messenger, my grandson (7 yrs old) does not.. Neither have their own email addresses. I will still go over and visit once in a while - when her husband is there, and I will confine my interactions to the grandkids. Seems to be the wisest thing to do, and I will still invite them all for a meal, and to get their presents.around Christmas.
Love, hugs and prayers Joan

Hello everyone. I am sending out a message for Emjo.
Emjo- I just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you today. I know that it is your gordie's birthday today and that it is also the 10th one he has spent with our Lord. You are a very sweet, caring and special lady, Emjo!!! And i just wanted to let you know that my heart is heavy for you today as i know this is very difficult for you. I know that we do not talk often, but you are still special to me just the same. So here's hoping that you have nothing but good remembrances of your Gordie today and that somehow they will bring you some peace. I hope this message finds you well. I am sure that he was a special young man because he sure has a special mom. Love you bunches sweet lady!!! Many ((((((hugs))))) to you. Love, Stormy.

Emjo,

This behavior that your daughter exhibits is terrible.
It's the very same business my niece has done to me on more than one ocassion,
not saying hello nor goodbye when I go to mother's place. Needless to say when they do this to us we are left wondering, what the heck did I do? In my case at least I've analyzed it as my niece is one angry self centered person.

Someone who really cares about you say like a friend, if you'd be sharing truly how you feel, like, "not great," would probably inquire further and sympathize with you since your mom is high maintenance. Please try not to allow anyone, even if she's your daughter to take you down the path of self doubt or wondering whether you're negative. I guess by saying this, it's their way of dispelling your feelings about what you are experiencing. Shame on her!

I realize that your intentions are to help out and see you grandchildren.
But you should try to really take care of yourself right now, you have a lot to deal with already. Maybe placing some distance here would benefit you.
Take care of you. Big Hugs! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

U5~I hope all goes well for you Friday. I know how heartbreaking it is to see your father the way he is and my heart goes out to you. My experience with NH's is that they generally do not take care of dental hygiene as part of their caregiving. The idea of earphones connected to the tv is good. You should look online for earphones that are specifically for the hearing impaired. I will be thinking of you come Friday and let us know how it goes.

Joan~It makes perfect sense to me to cook a turkey dinner that your son would love!! I do little things for my father who has been gone 9 years now. I know this may sound untraditional, but I visit him on St. Patricks day instead of the anniversary of his death because he came here from N. Ireland. I buy the plants in the grocery stores that they sell as shamrocks, but really aren't shamrocks and I take them too him. I will make an Irish meal from time to time one I know that he had as a child growing up. As you probably know, people in the British Isles have such lovely rose gardens. My father loved his roses. I plant a rose in his honor, take a potted mini rose to him.
I think the trauma of losing her license has progressed the Alzheimer's with my mother. She needs daily attention now and because of her personality, wanting everything now...it is making it stressful. A lady my mother worked with called her this morning to remind her that several of the ladies that worked together are meeting for lunch tomorrow. My mother told her about falling but in my mother's mind, she fell yesterday. This woman rushes over to my mother's house and takes her to the dr. That was fine, no big deal for me. When I called my mother this morning to check on her, she wasn't home. I am thinking, oh no not again!! I knew she had an appt. at 9:30 which I was taking her to so I called the dr. and sure enough she was there and they told me a lady named Nancy brought her in. Off I go to the dr. no shower, hair barely presentably and no make up on.Mom has a sore on her toe which I don't know if it is from her falling Friday or not but I had the dr. look at it. He said it is infected and the antibiotic he prescribed will cover a UTI if she has one. He told me not to consider her having a fever unless it is 100.4. He told me monitor her taking the medicine because she had brought some medication to him a while back that was expired. I have the antibiotic with me and will go over twice a day to give it to her. I made her some beef stew and chicken with pasta on Sunday and froze it in freezer zip locks. I wrote Sundays date and what is each bag so all she has to do is thaw it out and warm in the microwave. After we left the dr. I took mom with me to Galt to bring my sister down to Manteca so she can take our mom's car home with her. I didn't want to leave my mom at home in case she decided to take off again. My sister tries so hard to help mom, but she tends to like mom in the sense that what she wants mom to do is right...they got in a big argument at mom's house over mom taking medication. Mom started yelling at Kathy, slamming cupboards shut and she stormed out of the kitchen. I told my sister, YOU need to back off!!! If she doesn't want to take the cholesterol medication she doesn't have to. The dr. told me it was no big deal at this point if she doesn't take it. I feel bad for my sister because she tries to be logical using common sense, but mom isn't going to respond to that. I was teasing my mom today, telling her she was like a wayward teenager walking all over the city and I am having trouble keeping up with you....she giggled!! I have my days cut out for me now. I exchanged phone #'s with the lady my mom worked with so if something comes up where my mom calls her for help, she will let me know. Yes, mom is needing more care now and hopefully we can get something worked out so she will wait for me to take her where she needs to go and possibly get her to agree to long term care. Joan, I also have lost friends because of them moving. People are much more mobile today and staying put for 5 years is the average today. I really have no friends (no people I would consider a true friend but more of an acquaintance). Since I am an introvert, I have found I am happier now that I accept myself than when I was trying to be super social. I enjoy people but I need a lot of down time too. You sound to me like an extrovert and many people have told me that because of a divorce or the loss of a loved one, they have lost friends. It is sad that people do that because we all need each other!! (((((((Hugs))))))) for you and for U5!!!

no ideas but here is a ((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))). I am so sorry that your dad just lies there. Prayers for today in court to go in your favour, and for you to feel strong and at peace. Let us know what happens. Can you consider the hearing aides lost so insurance would cover them? I know they are very expensive to replace. Would one of the cheaper versions help -ear phones connected to the tv etc.

Hi all - just came on here quick as have been distraught as of late due to this legal mess Mom and sis have waged me into.........I even (my sheer accident) got a letter from a neighbor (just a hi and bye neighbor) that she saw my sister enter my home on June 4 and remain in the home for close to an hour........which means my initial suspicions were correct with the missing house key and all and even so with my bipolar and ptsd, am stressed to the hilt - have to appear in court this friday for pre trial .........they say it is for a continuance but I don't know............not feeling very well and takes every ounce of strength to get through each day..........still no hearing aides for Dad - that is two months now........nurses claim mom took them.........so what is it her goal to punish him for when he was drinking that she will not even allow him to hear tv?? My God, the man can move no part of his body.........this is killing me,,,,,,,,,,,,don't know if I can get some sort of advocate involved...........she does have dpoa but she also has a sign on wall saying to put in Dad's dentures (which is dumb as it is harboring bacteria - eats only pureed foods) and his hearing aides..........any ideas anyone??

(((((((sharyn))))))) so glad your mum is safe. What a wonderful lady the 92 yr old is. Amazing! It does seem like it is time for your mum to get more care by moving into a facility. I know this won't be easy. You have my prayers. The conditions of the POA make caring for her very difficult.
thanks for your comments about me and my daughter. She does tend to be very self centered.She came down when Gordie was in hospital but did not stay for the funeral.That upset one of her brothers very much. I have rarely seen him mad. My thanksgiving,, as other holidays, is spent alone. I used to get invitations from my daughter to join them but that has dropped off. My son and dil here had their own plans. They have been very good at taking us out for a meal once in a while, and we reciprocate.. My food allergies (wheat and dairy) can make joining others at meals a problem -church pot lucks etc.My daughter used to avoid both of those, and made very good substitutions. I have good memories of those times..This is a strange city for friends. The average stay for a family was 5 years. It seemed like you just made a friend, then they moved. I finally stopped trying. Work friends on the whole are just that, though I do keep up with a few.. It is a city of young people - very few my age, and the ones I have met I don't have much in common with. Divorce many years ago, and then losing Gordie, both took a toll on aquaintances. They say after losing a child, your address book changes, and it is true. Gary is away every weekend with work, or the horses, and, for the most part, I don't mind. We are working on finding time for "us" in his busy schedule. I made myself a turkey dinner with a turkey breast etc, got dressed up, and had a nice meal anyway. I will cook a turkey for him later in the week. Gordie loved a turkey dinner, so I do it for him too, if that makes any sense. I will put flowers on his bench for his birthday. You don't stop wanting to do things for them.
Mother has been emailing, and I haven't answered. She just wants social contact at this point, but I am sure the demands will follow.They always do.
And so life goes on.
margeaux - How is your mum? You mentioned she may be declining a bit, if I remember right.
austin - where are you????? haven't seem you post for a while. I miss you!
regan - I wish you could get some help looking after your sis particularly. It sounds almost like she needs to be in a facility. What a dreadful shame that she is doing this to herself. It must be very hard to watch.
book -you are one tough lady! I saw somewhere that your sis in moving in with you. I hope that she will be helpful and give you some breaks. You sure don't need another person to look after. Sorry your dad is so difficult
cmag -hope your wife's leg is healing and you have sorted out the phone problem
burned -hang in there - you have a big load. It would be great if you could move to a larger place and start a "new" life.
don't mean to leave anyone out - you all are precious
hope the week ahead does not bring too many new challenges
Love, hugs and prayers for all Joan

Joan~I hope your Thanksgiving Day with family and friends was a good one!! I had a stressful day and it being my first day back at work. I am not going to retell it as you can read it on the YOU thread. Long story short is my mom left her house this morning walking on her own. Caused me considerable panic and stress. I did catch up with her and the rest everyone can read on the YOU thread. Tonight mom told me she was running a fever...I said well no wonder!! You haven't been feeling well and you took off walking all over the place today!!! I am taking her to the dr. in the morning. Joan, I don't know what is going on with your daughter, but I do not see how you are negative. You have been one of the most uplifting people I have met on this site. I am sorry she has put this off on you when it sounds like it is her own issues and inability to really understand what you are going through. I can say that from my own experiences, children can have a hard time relating to the difficulties we are going through with their grandparents. In your daughters case, it sounds like she has her own issues, whether she has a PD or not I don't know, only you would have a good knowledge of her history. Sometimes when I try to talk about my mother with my daughter, she doesn't respond well back. In my daughter's case, I think it is because she doesn't know what to say. I hope your daughter considers going back on the antidepressants. I know how hard this must be for you, someone you could confide in before but now is preoccupied with her own issues. I don't think that you being too negative is the issue here. It sounds like she needs stimulation to bring about good feelings which all relates to depression. (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) to you and i am so sorry you have this added to everything else you are dealing with right now!♥♥

Happy Thanksgiving all - though I know it is only in Canada today. I took the risk last night and emailed the cousin I talked about in the past few months. I kept it as short and to the point as I could, and we will see what his response is. I had hoped to get out of town in the next few days, but rain and snow flurries are forecast for the days I had planned to drive, the days which fit in with the plans of the people I was going to visit. I have cataracts developing and passed my "old age" drivers test this summer, but I know my vision is not as good as it was, and don't want to drive long distances when I know the visibility will not be not good, I hope I can have surgery on my worst eye next year, as the eye doc suggested - that or the years after. I hope sooner rather than later. I decided once i reached 75 I would be more careful about the conditions I drive in.
Emotional distancing is an such important tool when dealing with difficult family members. It is not easy to accomplsh, but really becessary for our survival sometimes. I am having to do this with my daughter now. She has been in depression, as far as i can see, or has something like mother has, and switched from being friendly and supportive in the summer to being sullen and non communicative since then. I am concerned from my grandchildren, and don't feel welcome to drop by any more, but I think i will anyway - just need to be sure that the children are home, and maybe better when her husband is too. He doesn't seem to notice these things. I asked her what the problem was, and she said I was negative all the time. I really don't think I am, and I have made efforts especially not to be when I talk with her, but when she asks how I am and I answer - not great - which is true some days, I guess I am being negative. I would rather she didn't ask. I called her to tell her when mother was in hospital, and apparently that is being negative. She is the only grandchild of mothers who has any regular contact with her, so in the past I have let her know when mother is in hospital. She has no girlfriends - one that she had for 10 years she got upset with in the spring, and that was the end of that. The friend said something she didn't like. She started making another friend in the summer, and then dropped her and said she was too negative. She is well educated but cannot hold down a job. She leaves jobs, because she can't cope with the people. Prayers would be appreciated. I think she needs to go on antidepressants, but she won't. She was on them before and did so much better, but won't take them now. Like mother - any problem is someone else's fault. Friday, we took a couple of box spring and mattress sets that were is the house, and not needed over for the grandchildren, and got not a hello, a thank you or a good bye. I told her we would have appreciated a thank you. It was after that, when I asked her what the problem was, she said I was too negative.

Sharyn, yesterday I was watching that show about the city meter people giving tickets regarding the meters, parking the wrong way, or parking at a no-parking area. One young man parked on the side of the road and got a ticket for parking there. His mother walks up and said, "I told you not to park here. Now you have to learn your lesson. I told you not to park here." Sometimes, kids think they know everything or know better than the old folks. They just have to learn the hard way from their actions. Like you said, they need to learn to get their finances in order.

Regan~What a tough situation with your sister! I suggest you start detaching emotionally from her. This doesn't mean you no longer care about her. Setting boundaries and distancing yourself protects you from being as hurt plus it gives you a different perspective of the situation so you are not caught up in the chaos of her addiction. There is a lot of information on the web about emotionally detaching with love from toxic relationships that may help you.

Well, my son and daughter-in-law can't get a loan anywhere for a car. This time it seems no one is available to help them out so I am hoping they learn to get their finances in order now. Time will tell.

Margeaux~Most of what of I bought was silk flowers which we hit the sales on @ 50% off, good buys. The cost of living is lower there so things like gas, home prices,etc are lower than here in California. I am sorry to hear your mother's memory is declining. It is hard to witness. My mother does not take any medication, she refuses because she claims she has every side effect listed when she takes something. The dizziness and nausea she had on Friday she is blaming on the cholesterol medication her cardiologist prescribed a couple weeks ago. She was using the walker on Friday and she said it got tangled up in the throw rugs she has on the kitchen floor. Yesterday she complained of being exhausted and her memory was very poor too. She asked me if my mother was working today (Sunday). I told her no...didn't see any point in telling her she was my mother. Sis and I talked yesterday and we are going to get her in to the dr. to rule out any infections, virus...especially a UTI.
Lily~I am sorry you have such a disconnected family. I don't know why families disconnect like that. I have a brother who won't have anything to do with us. We were abused as children and I know this is why, but my brother also is holding grudges against saying we didn't keep in touch with him when he moved out of state. We all did try to stay in touch but we never heard from him. His wife sent us updates on their life but never heard anything from my brother. None of us really knew his wife and I guess it was wrong of us, but we wanted to hear from him not her. My mother is also not one to let you hug her. When my father had Alzheimer's I would try to hug my mother when she was stressed or hurting and she would push me away. I don't try to hug her anymore except when she is sick, that is the only time she will accept it.

Hi Lillyvalley – sorry to hear how bad the family dynamics are. I will make no comment about the woman who gave birth to you. My father was bad to my brothers while growing up – but he’s nothing compared to yours. Thanks for dropping by and telling us about you. Yep, it sure sounds like you have a dysfunctional family. Welcome to this discussion! Please feel free to vent here.
Margeaux – Sorry about your mom’s short term memory going. What makes it worse is the niece adding to the problem instead of helping relieve it.
Prodigalson – It’s hard when the parent refuses outside help. The same applies with my father. He doesn’t want the caregiver I have to come in on Saturdays. I told her in the beginning that I am the one hiring her – not my father. He keeps telling me to tell her to stop coming. She still comes because who is there to watch the parents? I did warn her about my father’s “quirks.”
Emjo – I don’t know what to say about what you’re going thru with Gordie. Just know that since you’ve mentioned it, I have been thinking of you.
Hi Reganee –not knowing what’s going on with your sister, but can she qualify for some kind of program that she can go to? And this way, it will relieve you and your mother temporarily from her influence? Please continue to drop by and vent if you need to.

My dysfunctional is a sister just a year old then me and on meds; who only sobers up to see her doctors. She has pretty much written life off except when she is off being the best friend to her medical community. She is breaking our hearts, we are exhausted taking care of her.
My mother is 90 and looks like my sister's younger sister. My sibs were caring but they are sick of the mess our sister has made of herself. I live in fear that my sister will die and send my mother downhill, so I try to make the best of everything. But it is wearing me out and I do deeply resent being responsible for someone so selfish and manipulating.

Sharynmarie, sounds like you had a great time with your daughter n you needed the break. I too feel like I don't won't to leave everytime I go to Ocala n spend time with my family n I love the country more than the city living. Glad you had a great time.
Emjo-jone, Holidays can be hard when u have loss someone dear n close n especially your own child. I too could not even put my place in your shoes of all the emotions that has to be running through your mind. I hope you r able to find this holiday as peaceful as possible n like Sharynmarie mention that, "Thanksgiving is a great time to honor your son." Your son is in a much better place n he would only want you to enjoy life n the holidays.
Margeaux, you have such a big heart.
Lilyvalley, elderly care does take a toil on us. I wander sometimes if its the family members that have no clue of caregiving if they struggle to ask questions or struggle to whether to hear the answers? I guess that is why we r the caregivers for we understand n have learned from past caregiving experience. Take a bow n don't let the relatives bother you for they have no clue.

Thanks marg. I use candles. Since Gordie died, I have always had a special candle for him. It seems to be a matter of remembering, and including him in some way, and honouring the time we had with him.It helps to bring the feelings out. I can see that going over to your mum's can be unpleasant.
sharyn - glad your mum is better - hope it is nothing more than the vertigo she has had before
burned -glad you are cutting back -that can only be good for you and everyone - hope you can keep it up
book - look after yourself -dizziness is no good
lillyvalley -sounds pretty tough - what you describe of your mum - "arrogant, self serving, opinionated as they are. But my mother is also selfish and hateful" I can identify. Makes life difficult
the prodigalson - tough situation, were you the faimly scapegoat? Seems they often turn out to be the caregive too. Congratulations on 7 years sober.I think they often don't remember outbursts, but we are left to deal with the hurts.
cmag -have you solved the phone problem?
Hope everyone is having a good weekend

Just about to go over to 87yr old Dads, who has seveally increasing vascular dementia.I am only one within 3000 miles who can provide for him, not financially but with the increasing things hes unable to do any more.I am also the problem child which I am constantly reminded of. But tht was 7 years ago now I am able to take care of myself and my father, to the degree he will let me.The part that hurts the most is he treats me as if I am the crazy alcoholic that I was 7+yrs ago. Its like hes stuck in a time warp!. The irony is that I had SEVERE physical&mental problems before I ever started drinking/using.Having those problems starting at 11yrs old ad getting ignored or mocked by himfor them makes it a struggle to have patience and compassion for him now that he needs me.theres no one else within 3000 miles.he will not tolerate a caregiver in home so its me or else. An interesting thing just happened 3 days ago,without provocation he was really vulgar and insulting to me after i got over being angry, I realized it was a releif to hear how he reaaly feels rather than what he usually does which is bottle it up and of course the hostility comes out in other ways.any way he probally does not even remember his outburst the other day. I pray to God for strenghth and the ability to see him as a sick scared human being. It would have been nice if someone would have done the same for tha afformentioned terrified sick 11 yr old. my faith and trust in God will get us through.He hasnt brought me this far to drop me back on the streets!

Well last few weeks I've received emails from my sister about mom, and that her short term memory is really going. She told me that they'd been out all day last Sunday, and when they were back at home, mom asked her, whether they'd gone anywhere that day. I was having a rather bad day, the day I read this, so I decided to go to mom's, fearing maybe she wouldn't remember me.

Then when I arrived there, mom was having a very sleepy day. She was sleeping on the couch, and when I noticed her waking up, I immediately went over to hug and kiss her. She responded, and went back to sleep. So I've accepted this as normal, nowadays. I did stay for about 5 hrs., finally she woke up when I was getting ready to leave. But oh well, at least she saw me.

On that visit though, it was a very hot day. Mom was curled up under a blanket, and when I did say hello to her, I noticed she had cold body language. I went over to check the thermostat, and it was at 76. I turned it down to 70. I did tell the caregiver, that the thermostat needs to be at 70, as it is hot, but no elder, nor baby (niece's baby) being cared for by the caregiver, and my other niece (baby's aunt) should be exposed to those unnatural temperatures.

But I'm not really sure who is the person who cranks up the AC, since the caregiver and my niece are there. My niece (she's the problem one) I've written about who lives there was downstairs the whole time, as upstairs doesn't have AC. She tended to the baby. But while he was sleeping, she was stretched out on the couch lying down like a princess watching tv. I did ask her whether she'd resumed her college courses, to which she replied, "No." My sister, and she said that day that niece is helping her sister by baby sitting my sister's first grandchild.
Well, maybe this is none of my business, but given this niece's behavior in the past of being a lazy moocher, and seems to use her pursuit of college edu., just to keep my sister on the financial chain towards her. She's 22 yrs. old.

So I stayed out of the living room the whole time, in the kitchen reading and looking over some papers. Anyway, this is one of the unpleasant aspects of going over there to visit mother. But I'm glad that I went. Margeaux

Thanks Cmagnum, thumbs up! I struggle with highly educated siblings. They are arrogant, haughty, self serving and dangerously opinionated. They run to the nursing home once a week to see our sick elderly mother, clearing their conscience. Whether this falls into the category of dysfunctional I don't know Cmag. We don't call each other on the phone and have a regular conversation.. We talk to each other going in and out of the nursing home. We don't visit each other homes. The family bond broke (35) years ago when our father passed away. (8) siblings and we are so far apart like east from west. We try to be civil in the presence of our elderly mother who is suffering from a massive stroke in a nursing home, but that's about it. My mother is no help. She's just as arrogant, self serving, opinionated as they are. But my mother is also selfish and hateful
and when we all try to give her a hug, she turns into a "Iceberg". Dysfunctional, I don't know? Elderly care takes a toil on everyone, each family member experiences their own personal pains, struggles and wanting answers to questions that are too hard to ask!

Sharynmarie,

How great that you could have some fun with your daughter!
So was it good shopping out in Idaho?

When mom started to fall, is when we actually found out she'd been taking meds for ALZ, since mom and the narcissistic sister of hers were trying to keep it under wraps. I know my aunt, & even mother were really trying to control their independence via this behavior. When a more serious fall occurred with mom, she was admitted to the hospital. After a check-up, they found she needed a heart pacer, since her heart apparently was not functioning properly. This could have been why she was loosing her balance, and falling, since it happened more than once. After this stay in the hospital, it was determined that the POA, who was my irresponsible brother at the time, by law had to take charge of them. They could no longer live alone.

Well, it could be that your mom's ALZ is progressing, and be that turning point you'd written about in previous posts. But dizziness could also be a contributing factor to a fall.

Anyway, I'm so happy for you that you and your husband had the vacation with your daughter and son-in-law. You more than deserve it!
Much Love, Margeaux

Hi Emjo,

It's difficult whenever holidays and birthdays come up and we have a loved one who is no longer with us. I remember when it was the first years after having lost dad, this would happen. It still is hard, when St. Patrick's Day comes, which is his birthday. You know what helps me, is I burn some sage. I don't know whether you like sage, but it seems to evaporate some of those sad feelings for me, clear the air. You can even do this with your favorite cent, doesn't have to be sage, any
incense or candle of your choice, and cherish Gordie's memory.
Your in my thoughts Emjo, and I send you big hugs, know that you are not alone,
we are all with you! Plenty of Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks sharyn ((((hugs))))

My mother is better. My sis spent the night with her last night and she thinks mom was dehydrated since it has been so hot here, she refuses to use the A/C. Sis got her some soup and water and by this morning she was much better. It could be because I was gone, that mom went into one of her episodes of being abandoned and neglected that she wasn't taking care of herself. Sis said she called my brother to go over to mom's house since he lives closer and would get there faster than her. Mom had blood on her shirt and face from one of the falls she had and apparently hit her nose. We are going to have to watch her more closely to see if this is an isolated case or advancing alzheimers.
Joan~I know about the past hurts from family dynamics makes it difficult to move forward or to put things in the past especially when you have new hurts piling on top. I hope you can reach some decisions soon for your peace of mind. I have not experienced the loss of a child as you have with Gordie, but I do know that it has to be very painful. I just can't imagine the loss and I wish I had something more to offer you to help you with that pain. Do know that I am thinking about you and wish you the most positive, heartfelt thoughts that I can. Thanksgiving is a great time to honor your son and I wish you and your loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving!!