The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux – Sure, you can join us shopping. Except, I think Emjo’s in Canada, I’m in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and you’re in the mainland U.S. It would be a juggling act to get us all together! ….. I spent Wednesday afternoon at Ross looking for slacks for work. I’ve been gaining weight on my stomache/butt/upper thighs. Most of my current slacks are quite tight that my tummy hurts. So, time to buy more pants. I was able to get 2 slacks and 1 black leopard print jeans. I can hem up the jeans but the slacks will need to go to the tailor for altering. I was a size 4P. I’m now 8P or regular 6. I’m really, really hoping that my tummy is getting big because I snack at night … and Not my endo or cyst returning. Don’t want anymore major operations.

The reason I support others here was because they helped me when I needed help. In late May or early June, I became suicidal. I had finalized The Plan: How, When and Where I was going to do it. I had found this site (I think) on Friday, and was suicidal on Monday. So, I posted here for help because a part of me did not want to die but the other part was determined. (All my life, due to a very dysfunctional childhood, I have always wished for death – even in elementary age.) The people here were Very Straight Forward (Thank goodness!) and some were very kind, understanding, sympathetic, etc… There were advices that I did not like or want to accept. But because I wanted to live, I had to force myself to accept it and proceed on it. (I told fave sis of this advice and it pissed her off. She cussed at the person who gave me that advice. But a month later, sis brought it up again. You see, she saw the difference in my life. I was not so bitter, angry or resentful with the other siblings. Anyway, she’s still carrying “my” anger to the siblings on my behalf. Sis has always been so emotional.) …… So, just as those advices helped me, I in turn will help others. Who knows who is feeling down? A little kindness will help them throughout the day. It did with me.

Sharyn – so sorry that it’s so difficult trying to get your mom diagnosed. Hopefully this time it will succeed.

Well today was super hectic at work because we have an inspection in the morning so we had to clean, clean, clean. I was scheduled to be off at 9:30 but didn't get off till 11pm. Thankfully it was slow because of Halloween.

Today was my sister's day to visit with mom, take her grocery shopping,etc. Well it didn't turn out so good for sis. Mom was out of control trying to find things she lost, blaming my sister for stealing them. Mom had lots of paperwork out all over the place looking for her checkbook, paperwork. Sis said she was running back and forth from the kitchen to the bedrooms digging thru everything and yelling at my sis the whole time accusing her of taking things. Sis called comcast to cancel the cable tv cause mom refuses to watch it, she called direct tv to see if they would reduce or waive the penalty fee for mom cancelling her contract early since she has Alzheimer's. They told her she would have to write a letter. She never took her grocery shopping cuz she couldn't handle mom with the accusations and witnessing her decline. She left a message on my cell and I called her on my lunch. She was in tears over it saying mom needs to be on medication and I couldn't deal with her, mom locker herself in the bedroom and sis left. I told her this is why I wanted you to see her more often helping because this is what I have been going thru the last few weeks with her. She can't manage things anymore and we need to be checking in with her personally more often. I think I am going to call her dr. in the morning to make an appt. with a neurologist that comes to his office once a week. If mom throws a fit when I take her in then I will have to deal with the fall out at that time, but if I can get her evaluated and on an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med, then all the better even if I have to go over to her house every morning to give it to her.

Margeaux~Mom needs us to be checking in with her more...not just on the phone. I told sis we need to work something out cuz I not getting any time here at home. She called me one evening saying I hope you know this is interfering in my naptime. I blew like a whales spout, Lol!! The point is mom is getting where she is not able to understand phone calls from solicitors and someone called her from energy savers telling her they were coming to her house last Friday at 3pm. I told sis I had to work Friday and blah, blah blah been helping her all week. She reluctantly agreed to leave work early to be there. She has so much vaca time built up that her employer is forcing her to take time off. Mom said she didn't give these people her address, they already knew it so I wasn't sure if they were really coming over. Anyway we have made an agreement for the time being and she will be leaving work early today again to take her out shopping if necessary, make sure she turns out her lights tonight and doesn't answer the door for Halloween. I wanted to set the boundary early in mom's care so sis doesn't get the idea that I am going to do it all since I live 5 minutes away from mom because 1) sis is named as #1 on the DPOA, 2) I don't want to have to answer to my sister, getting her approval before a decision is made and 3) I have my life to take care of just like she does and she only lives 45 minutes away. Her job is only 30 minutes away. I am not going to let her just assume I have nothing else to do since I live close and only work part time, its just too convenient for her to go about her life with no cares except to call me crying because mom accused her of stealing something, Lol!! I don't have time to be her therapist, mom's full time caregiver and take care of my own life too.
Good for you for wanting to spend time with your mom, I don't know how far away you are from your mom but I know driving the freeways in SoCal can be hectic at certain times of the day and week. When I visited my son back in May, it took me about an hour just to get thru the L.A. area on I-5 at 11:30 in the morning. Once I got thru that it was smooth sailing into San Clemente. Have a good day and I hope you get some shopping in for yourself, that is always a mood lifter too!!!

Bravo Sharynmarie,
It is great that you are setting the boundaries w/your sister.
Be it that you need to get your own things done, or devote time to your own life, well it is only fair.
Speaking from the perspective of the visiting daughter, in our family dynamics, I admit that before my aunt died, I wasn't as willing to go there and help out.
This was because my aunt was just too difficult. I once lived there years ago, while this person also lived there. She threw my shoes at me one morning from the top of the stairs, as I was on my way out to work. That was about 13 yrs., ago. So you can imagine how awful she became when she was somewhat older, and now very ill. Mother always took my aunt's lying side also, BTW. So when dad passed, I moved out of that household. I literally told mom, I could not live there anymore with her sister's behavior. By now, I also felt too much betrayal on mom's part, for always putting the sister first, and allowing abusive behavior towards me.
But now that it's only mom, at first I didn't volunteer to relieve my sister, also because her daughter lives there. I don't live close, otherwise this would be different. However, I'm making a conscious effort, for me, that I also experience mom w/ALZ, because one can't know for how long they are here, nor still a bit cognitive. Margeaux

Emjo,
Whoah! It sounds like you're really having a full on winter up there.
Does this kind of weather usually come so early? Here we are still in fall!
Maybe this hurricane has affected other parts of the country. Temps have been fluctuating out here on the West coast in the U.S. Never have lived in snow, but this must be very challenging, especially driving.
Well, just about anything can trigger the old anger feelings.
How are things w/your daughter going, and your mom, if I may ask?
I know going to mom's the last visit and some of my sister's not so helpful attitude sent me home w/at least stirring it up w/me.
Well be careful out there on the road, when you go for your appointment w/your therapist, I hope all goes well on this end. Good for you that you're wearing the colorful stuff, and earrings. I really believe that these things we do for ourselves, to brighten our moods help. This is why I need to go shopping, "something for me." I get a feeling w/some of us, that we come from backgrounds of doing too much for others, possibly, and must constantly remind ourselves when to do something nice and pamper ourselves. So you put those earrings on Emjo, this is one of the first things I do in the morning, HAAH! I kind of feel naked w/o them.
Much Love, and big hugs, Margeaux

Hi Bookworm,

Can I join the shopping trip? I haven't shopped in quite some time, and I sure do need to buy some new pants. I have been wearing the same ones, and I got away w/it during the summer. Now that the weather is changing, I'll definitely need something, just new and weather appropriate.
Bookworm, wow, how do you get up 10 times during the night. Your an amazing person! The last time I was at mom's doing that over nighter w/her, I got up about 3X's to assist her to bathroom, and that totally messed me up. Do you get to catch up on the sleep during the day? I hope so!
Anyway, it's good to hear what is going on w/your individual situation. I notice when you post, it seems mostly to be supportive of the rest of us, and I truly admire this about you! Well, I hope things are well w/you too.
Much Love & light , Margeaux

Emjo – I just Love shopping! If only we lived close to each other, we can go shopping. I’m satisfied even if it’s someone spending the money on themselves completely. I’m not like sis where I just have to buy something at every store we shop. I have an eye for colors and how it looks on people. Well, I’m really good at knowing when a color is Awful on a person. If you wear bland colors (light brown, light green, light red, etc..) you can help the color pop out by wearing a contrasting color or a deeper color of that family. I prefer contrasting color belt and/or matching colors necklace/earrings/bracelets/purse.

Sharyn – I smiled when you mentioned sis and you having to be living closer, that you set your boundaries. I’m glad.

Mom had a very active night (or early morning.) I got up several times each hour – starting at 2am. I looked at the time, and just couldn’t believe it was only 230am. The next time I looked at the clock – 330am. After that, I just stopped looking at the clock because it was upsetting me that the number of times I kept getting up to suction her and my Lack of deep sleep. It’s one thing when you just get up, suction, go to sleep. But, when you get up, see it’s 230am, suction, sleep. Get up, 245am, suction, sleep. Get up, 315am, suction, sleep. When you keep track of the time, it makes me aware of the Lack of Sleep I’m having! So, after that, I refused to look at the time. All I can say is that I have gotten up about 10 times.

Joan~I understand about having to deal with the anger for a lifetime. All the anger I dealt with in therapy was directed at my dad because of the physical abuse. I have not dealt with the anger my mom caused due conflicting messages, manipulation, verbal abuse and how she treated my dad. Weather affects our moods a lot and here we get fog in the winter that lasts for days. I have seasonal affective disorder too. The good news is it is much better than it was when I was younger. Color is such a mood lifter and I love that you are wearing purple, dangling earrings, nail polish!! It all helps. I was looking on the net for a light for light therapy for the SAD. I think I may buy one. I don't get downright depressed in the winter anymore, but I do get irritable especially when January comes around as it is the dreariest month here.
I deactivated my California Photography page on F/B because I don't have the time to make it a business like I wanted and to be honest, I don't think I have the business sense to make it successful, Lol!! I will friend you on my regular F/B account. I did look at your pics of the deer and they are great! I would love to get pics of some mild mannered wild life,Lol. My computer is wearing out as I found out that photo editing uses lots of power and memory and I am having problems posting pics on Flickr after I have edited them, My computer tells me the file is corrupt and Flickr will not upload a photo unless I have it in a j.peg file. We are looking in the Inspirion 660 by dell that has an i5 core processor which fits our budget, and we will still be able to get a laptop with all the word processing abilities too. Laptops are very reasonable now. Sis and I have come to a truce after my blow up with her last week, she not wanting to be available to help with mom and saying I am closer, blah blah blah,LOL!! I am setting boundaries with her and have gotten a grease board with the days of the week on it. I have 2 so I can rotate as my schedule is posted at work. She is making herself available a couple days a week to help with grocery shopping,etc. Today is the first day I have had to take care of things here at home since I came back from Idaho. I am listing my work schedule and the days I am available to help mom, the days she is available and will give this to mom to put on her fridge. I think it is only fair that she does her share of the physical work so I can have some time to take care of my house, spend time with my hubby and just relax. Anyway another long post no matter how I try to keep it short, Lol! I am happy to hear Clay is on the mend, keep us posted on his progress. Hugs and have a happy day!!

thx book. I wouldn't say he is fine, but on the mend. The subcutaneous emphysema is starting to get better, and hopefully he will continue on fluids, and graduate to solids. Yeah, spring is about 5 months away. I can't wait. Actually the dread of going out is worse than just going out. In the last couple of days, I brushed off about 6 inches of snow that was on the car, and will have to brush quite a bit again today. Winter driving is usually a matter of going slowly, leaving lots of room between you and the person ahead, and, of course, before you start, making sure you can see out the windshield and all the windows. You have to take time to warm the car up so the glass defrosts. You would freeze here!!!! I don't like the house more than about 73 degrees. Too hot above that!
sharyn - I love the summers too. 70s is about right. Love flowers, like rain and fog in small doses. Today it is a black, grey, and white world out there. I like colour, and we have too many months of wearing winter clothing with dark colours, and no colour outside either. I am trying to figure out how to brighten up my winter wardrobe - to help brighten my mood. You wrote earlier about being more "daring" with colours. I am working on that with accessories, nail polish etc. Anything to add some colour!!! When I put my pic up again, you can see the ridiculously large dangly purple earrings -all part of the fun. How is the photography going. I miss your pics on fb,

During the night, woke up early again, I got in touch with a lot of anger. I am just plain mad about having all this stuff to deal with, and having had so much to deal with all my life. And that it doesn't look like it will end soon. I know I need to deal with the anger. Probably writing it out is a good idea. Seeing my counsellor today, and we will talk about it. I am ready - more than - to be rid of it.

Hope everyone is having a decent day. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Joan~I am not a winter weather person. Love the sunshine, flowers blooming and trees with leaves. Our winters are mild here, higher humidity with fog, drippy misty days, by the time Christmas is over, I am ready for spring. Our temps are still in the 70's here with blue sky and sunshine, I am enjoying every minute of it cuz I know soon we will drop into the 60's then the 50's and the fog will come. Cheers for the sunny days to last a while longer!! Hugs to all!

Emjo- glad that Clay's doing fine now. You're already looking forward to spring? Isn't that ...like..6 months from now? I don't know how you all can stand the winter cold. Or driving in the snow and ice. I'd take tropical weather any time. When I visited sis in Colorado in July, I was freezing every time I showered. I hated it because I love to take a long hot shower. But, with 2 bedridden parents, I always have to rush through it. Then I go visit sis, and I still rush through it because it's Cold there! Well, they thought it was hot, but I was walking around with my sweater.

Yogi, I'm really sorry about the situation with your mom and how spiteful and mean your family are. HUGs to you!!!

margeaux - thanks for the chant. I and some others are continuing to pray for healing for Ckay, incuding the headaches. I do think the meds he was and is on have caused this problem. Hopefully the doc can address that. What a nice story about your neighbour, other than that her family does not visit her. She sounds like a very :cool:person and that the friendship is good for both of you. It is very nice of you to reach out to her,
Thanks sharyn - the tests came out OK, and he was started on broth today. Looks like he is on the mend, other than the headaches. I will know more tomorrow. Clay was an athlete before this all happened,a few years ago, which will stand him in good stead re his recovery. The men in Gary's family are a tough bunch. Hopefully life will settle down for a while.
I haven't been in contact with mother but she found some old emails from me on her computer, and thinks I just sent them - good enough.. Sometimes if you just wait it out, it sorts itself out. I have needed a break from her and still do. I am tired from this all. Still working on getting Toonie back in shape - I have bought him some raw food to add to his diet, and hope that will help.
It snowed quite heavily here for a while. I am glad Gary will be back soon to do some snow removal! My car is covered. I am ready for spring now!!!
Hope everyone has had a good weekend, and are ready for the coming week,

Joan~Thank you for the update on Clay! I am happy to hear he is up walking around. I know it is going to be a long ordeal for him, Gary and you. My heart and thoughts are with all of you as the dr.'s decide when to start his digestive system working again. How wonderful the family is pulling together during this time. Your strong faith will bring comfort to you and Gary's family!! Love and Hugs to you!!

Yogibear - ((((((((((((hugs)))))))) what a dreadful situation. Your brother hasn't changed much has he? Abusive behaviour. I am sorry you could get none of your mum's things, It is another hurt on top of the others. You were wise to look after yourself and insist that your sibs step in, for you couldn't look after your mum if your own health suffered too much, I am so very sorry.

thanks for asking, margeaus. I am tired but OK.

here is the latest on Clay, and it is encouraging. I am copying and pasting from another thread as I am tired. Hope you will forgive me that. I will get back to posting more soon. Hopefully life will settle down a little.

Latest update on Clay: Things are as good as they can be, praise God. Clay is up walking around, and in good spirits. His doc is waiting on test results to see if they can start to get his digestive system working again. Right now he has tubes draining everything out, and is on iv hydration and nutrition. The emphysema was particularly extensive, but the gas will reabsorb in time. His lungs are not damaged as far as I know. He is not on disability, and I have suggested that Gary look into that. This family is so used to being self sufficient, and working for what they get. He should be eligible. I am now including in my prayers healing for the family due to the divorce, as well as healing of the pain. It is needed. They are pulllng together through this, praise God again, Thank you, Jesus.
And thank you all for bearing with me, and for your prayers and support. I gave faith that God is working in this to accomplish His purposes. Gary is touched by the concern others are showing,
Love you all - Joan

My family still won't let me talk to or see my mom. It's been about 6 weeks since I talked to her last. She cried when I said I love you and my bro said he doens't like the drama so he has banned me from knowing anything about her condition or talking or seeing her. I took care of her for six years along with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was an addict to prescribed medication. I kicked him out of the house. My mom wanted to live with him. A year later my mom and her BF moved to where my bro, sis and I live. I did the doc appts, taking them shopping and anything else my mom needed. Mom's BF got sick my bro calls and tells me to go over and stay with my mom. Mind you I have an older sister who lived closer. I stayed with my mom for 5 days and told my bro and sis that I would leave if I got no help. My bro came over in the evening so I went home to eat sleep and return the next morning. So, I was doing this 7 days a week and he came over 2-3 times a week. I have Bipolar, GAD and PTSD. My bro raped me when I was a child. My sis has outright stated that she would never take care of my mom or dad. Leaving my family to make the decision for me that I was to cae for her. I took care of my grandma for 2 years before she passed away in the early 90's. They didn't help. My mental health was being severely effected while taking care of my mom for those two weeks. I told my bro and sis to make different arrangements because I was leaving. I love my mom so very much. We're best friends. But to punish me, my bro refuses to let me see or talk to her. What he doesn't understand is that he's punishing her. He never let my mom talk to her BF or see him, removed my mom from her home and took me away from her. All within a matter of days. She has Alzheimer's. I know she is confused and doesn't understand what's going on. I used to call my mom every other day and visit every to every other week. My mental illness doesn't mean anything apparently. I'm on disability for it. I needed the help and my bro and sis failed me. Now they're trying to make me feel guilty and punish me when they're really punishing her. It's always been up to me to be the caregiver neither one would step up to the plate but I have forced them too like they did me and they don't like it. Also, my sis emailed me telling me if I wanted anything of my mom's to go to her apartment by Oct. 5th and get the key from th office. I called the apartment and they said no, only the tenant can get the key to o inside the apartment. So, I received nothing of my mom's. And the real kicker, most everything, 80%, of my mom's things I either bought her or gave her. They did that out of spite. I have called agengies and the police. There is nothing I can do to see or talk to my mom because they say it's a domestic squabble.

Emjo,
How are you doing?
I listen to many health programs. Many talk about how medications really wreak havoc on the stomach. I'm just wondering after all of these pain meds if this has possibly contributed to this. I did a big chant for all of you today, and w/continue to do so.
Yes, mother even given her age can still do quite a few things for herself.
I look at this as a blessing no matter what!! Yes regarding my sister I honestly try to put myself in her shoes. She does have more of a nurturing quality about herself. Her emotions run deep, she's a water sign. I'm an air sign, so do better intellectualizing things. But sometimes my sis's emotions really go a bit too deep.

Oh my little neighbor girlfriend. We became friends out of a weird circumstance.
A few years ago, our landlady from hell tried gave my then boyfriend who I was living with and our two doves a 3 day notice. Anyway I later married him, first and foremost because I love my guy. Then I could live here w/him. But our birds,-no.
So my husband asked our neighbor, who he'd been living next to for about 10 yrs., but hardly knew her. She has allowed us to keep our doves in her studio. So we go tend to them daily, and she and I have become really good friends. She is from Holland, but living here about 50 yrs. now. As I said, her daughter is one of these "educated," types. But when it comes to feeling, like really caring about her mom, who is a very cool woman, the daughter is out to lunch! My neighbor is in the ageline now where someone has to kind of watch out for her. She's such fun, that I love it. Right now her doctors are trying to load her up w/too many pills because she has high blood pressure, and now the bozo prescribed her water pills. So I invite her for walks, and dinner, and we have a glass of wine. It's all good.
Anyway, take care Emjo, thinking of you & yours! Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Thanks sharyn - I looked up emphysema after surgery on the internet, and apparently, though it can be uncomfortable, it is not usually serious and will resolve itself. He just did not need one more thing to deal with. I understand him asking why too. His life has been a nightmare since the accident. I think he is a very courageous young man, as despite the continual pain, he keeps pursing his studies, as he is able. He went to the mountains with Gary this summer for a few days. One day he was throwing up all day from the pain, but he mananged to have a couple of better days though the pain never goes away. I can't imagine!

Not nice for the lawyer to be so suspicious of you and your sis. I think you are doing well with your mum -sounds like there are cointinual adjustments to make as she declines. It is great to see some humour in her losing things - reduces the stress.
margeaux - it is good your mum can do so much for herself, and that you can see the positives in what your sis is doing, even if she is a control freak, Hope you had a good time meeting the new police chief with your neighbour, and a good meal after. How nice of you to take her under your wing!!! :)
hope everyone is having a good day ((((((((hugs))))))))

We are all thinking about you, Gary and his son. I can understand the questions of why this has happened to him. It is a sad and tragic situation. You are all in my heart and on my mind. Hugs to you!!

a quick update - Gary is still in Calgary. The next few days will see Clay better or worse. His prognosis is "guarded" which mean it could go either way. Tonight Gary called and said that Clay has emphysema now from oxygen that “leaked” into the lung tissue. His lungs were fine before surgery. The doctors say they don't understand where it came from. He has been on a morphine patch, and morphine pump for about 6 months now. I didn’t know that. Before that he was on many pain pills daily. So they are wondering why his bowel perforated. Maybe it was the accumulated affect of pain pills for several years. I asked Gary how his spirits were, and Gary said the questions of why this has happened to him has come up. Of course there are no easy answers to that.
His injury is due to a window blowing out of a building in New York, and falling on his head. The law suit has been dragged out. There was to be a disposition on New York over the accident today. There are 14 claims outstanding. Apparently he has been able to keep up with some studies at the college in Calgary, but this will set him back of course. Gary’s boss and coworkers are very supportive, thankfully. The next few days will see which way this will go. I feel so badly for them all, and am thankful that Gordie did not go through this pain. Again I so muc appreciate your prayes and support. (((((hugs))))) Joan

Margeaux~I have grown up quite a bit in the last two weeks.Best wishes to you and your mother. Hugs!!

Sharynmarie,
Well you've figured it out! How great when one can not take things personally.
This is one of my sister's biggest pitfalls. Yes, I realize she lives there, but she's not w/mother 24/7, there's quite a bit of help. I have given my sister credit too, because I know she's done a lot, and is good at administering for the caregiving, something I feel she's way better at, than I. But she takes too many things personally, instead of looking at things the way you have chosen which is much more emotionally efficient. I'm about someone has to behave like the adult, and it sure isn't going to be mom.
My mom still can feed herself. She moves around much slower than she did about a year and a half ago, but w/assistance of a walker now. Finally she's realized that she can keep her balance by using it consistently. She still dresses, undresses, and can use the bathroom on her own for now. So in many ways she still is mobile w/in certain limits, but pretty good for a 91 yr. old, I must say. Her appetite is pretty good also.
Even the other night while I decided not to go through making her go to bed at say 8:30, or 9:00 because of the noise, I thought, oh well so she goes to sleep later.
But she sleeps a lot during the day. Sure I lost sleep that night, but it was o.k., I don't live there. It's good to remind ourselves not to make everything a federal case, or we stress ourselves out even more unnecessarily.
Hopefully your mom won't go losing more items. One day I was there and she and her sister had these small bean bag style neck cushions so one can lean their head up against the couch. My mom had her's and her sister's around her neck, so she had two. It was quite comical. Anyway, these are things that amuse me,
'her too, so she's participating even at that level.
I'm probably going to meet our newly appointed woman police chief in our city tonight w/my lovely neighbor at a town hall style meeting. After that I'll have some dinner ready for us to eat. She's a beautiful neighbor I have taken under my wing; her daughter ignores her. Have a great evening! Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~I agree it sounds like your sis has a power issue. I have learned (just recently) that I have to treat everything with my mom as tho it is Alzheimer's because if I let my feelings regarding her personality disorder become part of the issue, nothing gets accomplished and creates anger for both of us. I'm not perfect at this, I still find times when my anger flares with her and I have to leave her house. I can do this cuz I don't live with her and she is not completely dependent upon me at this point. During the colder months, I make food to take to my mom since she won't cook and buys frozen dinners. Sometimes she won't eat. Ladee told me she will eat when she's hungry. Plus I found out my mom is eating later in the evening. She is down to 123 lb, 5'3". Is your mom able to feed herself or does your sister have to feed her? On Monday, I went over mom's to look for some papers she had hidden, I found them the first place I looked, Lol!! She was also missing 2 key rings but I didn't help her find those cuz I had errands to run and figured she could look for them. Went to the store bought some stamps for her, brought the stamps over later on Monday when I took out the lawn clipping can for pick up on Tues. She had found the keys by then. On Tues. she calls can't find the stamps, Lol!! I went over to her house before 1pm to take her to get a haircut, she had found the stamps. When I got home, there was a message from her, she couldn't find her wallet and did I take it. I told her no, it must be there somewhere. Like I said, I am learning to not take it personal if she asks if I took something, and I don't run over there every time she loses something, she eventually finds it on her own. Every day its something else that is lost, LOL!!
Take care Margeaux, and get all those #'s you need by bypassing your sister on it.
Hugs to you!!

Thank you Sharynmarie for the online suggestion about those numbers.
I will look this up, because really when this happened last Sat., it also occurred to me what if I had a medical emergency w/mom while I'm there alone, and I don't have her medical info., e.g., insurance. Come to think of it, my sister has never really left any of this info., for me.
It appears from my sister's stories about mother's behavior since our aunt died, that she's become at least more vocal in terms of what, and when she wants to eat. She also shows more of her stubborn side. I'm sure this is so since when my aunt was alive, she was so controlling, that mom just gave her power over to her sister. Oh, and I do remember how my aunt was constantly ordering the caregivers around to do for her and mom. My aunt was so bad, that whenever mom fell asleep during the day on the couch she would wake mom up and tell her that she shouldn't be sleeping so much, if you can imagine.
Well this episode my sister had about the ice cream, while I do understand anyone trying to get an elder to eat food, before they would eat desert. I think this was really in part that my sister still has a lot of resentment towards mom, not only on account of some of mom's past narcissism, but also mom's sister's. I admit, I have some of this also towards mother. But I have decided that now I need to let some of this go. Mom at this point isn't going to understand any kind of other behavior w/ALZ. She's like a child now. It is what it is. Thanks to people like my dad and grandmother who taught us that we should care, I have chosen to look at it this way. Move forward, instead of getting too stuck in the past.
Thank you, and I agree that if one can make it any easier for an elder to cooperate, that makes way more sense to me, instead of creating combative situations, for what? This serves no purpose. While our aunt was alive that's all that ever happened over there at mom's house.
It must have been difficult for you to eat meat with braces.
Yes, we only take it one day at a time as you've decided to do with the attorney.
Good approach, Sharynmarie. Much Love, and Hugs! Margeaux

Margeaux~It is thoughtless on your sisters part to not provide the phone numbers. She is relying entirely on emergency services. You can get the nonemergency #'s online to take with you. I found it funny when you said your sister gave your mom spaghetti which she wasn't eating to well, then offered ice cream?? Maybe she needs to cut up the spaghetti like we do for small children so it is more managable to eat. I remember when I was growing up and had braces on my teeth, every month with I went to the orthodontist for adjustments on my hardware, mom would have bbq steak for dinner. My teeth were sore from the adjustments, she would get mad because I wouldn't eat. She did the same thing when I had my tonsils out. I don't think she did it on purpose, she just didn't think at all about the situation. There are no grey areas with my mom, its all black and white.
Joan~The attny. is going by the book and I respect him for that, we just didn't care for the way he treated us, his attitude was more like we were a fly flitting around his head, Lol!! I would not want to be in my sis's shoes when she takes over the finances!! I am glad Gary's son has the best medical team helping him. I know nothing on how pain meds work or how they affect the internal organs, other than vicodin causing liver damage. I know you are hurting right along side of Gary. Hugs to you!!!

Thanks for the recipe marg -sounds similar to one I have made - maybe a little more heat which will suit Gary. I find them very tasty and will try yours. I don't understand your sis's attitude about leaving you the info you need when u are there. As you say, she is a control freak. I too hope things calm down here - one thing after another.

It was a freak accident, Sharyn. He has the best of medical care (his brother is a physician) but I wonder if there isn't another way to administer pain meds than taking pills that ruin your gut. It seems to me that injections would be preferable - or a pump, but what do I know? His options are getting more limited. I know the lawyer is just doing things by the book, but it is very frustrating when your mum needs help and you can't get it for her. Many children look after their parents finances with integrity.

angel -what sharyn has said makes sense to me. It sounds like there needs to be some intervention. Is there reliable documentation of the abuse? I know it is more difficult when she denies it. Has she had an evaluation for her mental state? I would think that is important, and may help you to get the right things done, even if mum defends them, if she is suffering from dementia for example you may be able to proceed on her behalf. APS should be able to advise you. Good luck and let us know how you make out.

Thanks for the prayers everyone. I haven't heard any more, but will update when I do.

Angel1~If you suspect abuse, you should probably call adult protective services in the county your mother lives in. If you are able to use your authority with the DPOA, you should be able to start an evictions process regarding your nephew. APS will determine if there is abuse and they will also determine if your mother should be living alone. They will help you with the process of placing your mother in facility that meets her needs. It also sounds like you need to visit your mother to access the situation. Is mom legally incompetent at this point? Hugs to you, a very sad situation especially when you live out of state.

Margeaux~The first thing I said to the attorney was, "We would like some help in getting our mom to have the BANK pay her bills for her, she can't manage her finances anymore." He didn't HEAR that, all he was concerned about was that her having control to do what she wanted, which is fine under normal circumstances. He told us straight up, I would not allow my children to have any control over my finances. I know, as an attorney, he has probably dealt with many cases of elder abuse regarding their finances with their children. This is not a situation of us wanting to take my mom's money for our use, and it would literally destroy my mother if she were to get scammed by someone. We just have to play it by ear, paying close attention to what she is doing, and having Helen balancing her statements to alert us if she is writing checks to something different than normal.
Every year Wells Fargo sends out new insurance packets for the retired employees to choose an insurance for the next year. I am hoping that the insurance she currently has is still an option. Mom's co-worker, N, said she would talk with mom about the choices since mom still thinks my sis and I are 6 years old and can't help her with it, Lol!! I don't like to impose on N in this way because she has her hands full babysitting a ggson with autism. My mom has declined a lot in the last 4 months, and I suspect she will be incompetent within 6 months. At that time, we will probably have to call APS, and if they decide she can't live alone, even with home healthcare, we will have no choice but to place her. This not want mom wants in reality, but because of how things are set up with her attorney, it is most likely what will happen. Maybe I am dreaming, but I believe we have a great relationship with our daughter and will be able to trust her to act in our best interest with our finances. My mom's attorney also made it clear that when the time comes that mom is incompetent and my sis is handling her finances, he will be watching very closely to make sure there is no mismanagement of her money.
Yes, Calaveras Big Trees is in the Sierra's. It is very beautiful there. The dogwoods were so pretty with yellow, pink, crimson leaf colors. A ranger told us that they are not as vivid this year as Oct. has been unseasonably warm this year. We went at a good time cuz its been raining in this part of Cali since Sunday evening with snow in the mountains.
Well I have said enough about the situation with my mom, and we can only take it day by day and learn as we go along. I have to keep my emotions under control and out of the situation. Have a great week, wishing you well, and sending hugs!!

I have DPOA for my mom and DPOA for her healthcare. My sister lives two blocks from her and does not speak to her and has not for years. My brother used to live with her, basically drained the little assets she had, ran up a credit card debt that is now a second mortgage for her, and recently moved out. He never paid rent, paid for bills, took care of her, etc. There was verbal and physical abuse going on, but mom always defended him and denied it. Now my worthless nephew (like father, like son) has been living there with his girlfriend, has been in and out of drug rehab twice, and again, does not pay rent, there is verbal and physical abuse, they do not help with her bills, but again, she defends him. SO, now her memory is seriously declining, I am hoping to get her into a long care facility close to me. What are my options for getting these two useless individuals out of her house if she is placed in long term care? She has a mortgage and second mortgage. I sent them a notice to pay rent last week, each paying just $150.00 each to help with bills, but no response on their end. They bring pets into the house that they do not care for and my mom has to clean up after. I can go on and on. Two cases of elder abuse have been documented,but mom defends them. I am in another state, but I talk with her daily. She receives help daily from an aide (has medicare/medicaid).

Joan~I didn't have much time earlier when I posted. The accident Gary's son was in was a horrible thing. It sounds like a rare accident to have happen. I sure hope that the surgery went well and that something comes along to help him manage the pain without an abundance of pain meds. My heart goes out to Gary, his son, and you, keep us posted on the situation♥♥♥!!

Sallie,
How are you? Please first and foremost of all do take care of yourself.
You have obviously gone through more than your share.
Is there some way you can start to look for some kind of help, not from your family? A 24/7 situation with your mom is quite a lot for you to handle, even if you didn't have the health challenges you are currently facing yourself. Maybe your could look into organizations such as Department of Social Services in your area, for starters. You have come to the right place to share, and come back anytime! Much Love & Light!
Margeaux