The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Kattie I so hope that things get better -they did with me when I realized I had to change and not expect myself to be superhuman and a counsuler gave me good advice when I said why is it no one seems to get how I was suffering and she said I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen-I was mad as hell with her for days until I told myself she was right and started to make changes to rescue myself and then others came forward to help-I had to say I can not do this anymore-which I had been saying all along but not forceful enough for others to listen to me. I so hope others step up and help you or you are able to get others to listen to what you are not saying another counsular said good enough is good enough -we do not have to be perfect-let things slide-no it is not easy-it is very hard because you care so much.

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I will do that now. It just never seems to stop for me and I really need to find some resolution as my situation is growing more difficult by the day. Thanks again for your help, good to know that there are people out there that know what I am going through.

Hi Kattie5315. I would post the same info to all the sites that Cmagnum mentioned. When I have a question, I post to the 2 above threads since it's usually the same posters who visit those sites and have more experience.

However, I have seen some who posted their Own Question, and Other Posters (who do not visit those 2 sites mentioned above) have commented.

So, if you do all 3, you will hopefully get different advice in which you can choose from. Please give it a try.

Welcome kattie5315! your situation is a mess. Just where does that brother think he gets the authority to take the money out of your dad's account? Plus, it does not sound legal. This avenging of your mom's grievances against your dad sounds more like a smoke screen for greed than trying to be mom's champion. The brother who refuses to let it go is hurting himself worse anyhow, but cannot see that. I hope someone on this thread can offer some help. There are also two older and longer threads that you might want to check in with.1. The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today? 2. Grossed Out? Need to Vent? Just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair! I'm certain that somewhere here you can find some help for your situation. You could post a question to the whole site. https://www.agingcare.com/Make-A-New-Post.aspx?ct=14

Hi everyone I an into getting caught up after the two weeksaway for my mom's illness then her death and getting her back to NY for the funeral and of course Sandy-some of my bills will be in late but can not help that.Margeaux you are right Cmag is an amazing man with all his own problems he still helps others.Kattie -keep venting someone here will be able to help -we have had the worse experiences told here and others are so willing to jump in and help even though their lives have gone to pot-keep joining us-it usually helps knowing other care about you-I have been here over 4 yrs.-about a year before my husband died and have been touched by the kindness I got from these people-there are other former caregivers here besides me and we try to give back.

It's a Catch 22. In order to get support from area agency for family caregivers, a survey was required to provide documentation that the money (respite etc) was to be used for intended purposes. The more honest the answers about the difficulties, the more help you can get. I'm glad the doctor checks for bruises. I'm glad there is a safety net of mandatory reporting for vulnerable adults. However, asking for help from the same people who will send Adult Protective Services if they judge that I'm burned out is a barrier. I'm not willing to create a paper trail to be used against me.

Katie5315,

Welcome to this thread. My condolences for the passing of your mom.
This must be quite difficult for you having lost your mom, then to have to be involved in this kind of scenario w/your brothers. Well do tell us more about your situation, as this is what we do here on the thread. There are countless stories here of family members who have done things as such, draining the elder's bank accounts. Anyway, please come back here, because writing about it does help.
Stay Strong! Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

It takes me about at least an hour and sometimes longer, since I'm driving from the beach, east of me further inland to mom's. It just seems as if everyday there is traffic, even on weekends. So when I go there, I have to plan it around even the drive.
Well from your post, it sounds as if your mom really is needing more attention.
Believe me, you're in my thoughts w/respect to the appointment you have.
She really sounds as if she is in need of some type of anxiety medication.
Good for you Sharynmarie, w/the boundaries, and your sister, and very good you're putting them in place at this moment in time. O.K., Keep us posted,
Much Love, & Light! Margeaux

Bookworm,

I too was drained last year, from being supportive and going every now and again to my mother's house. Last year her sister was still alive, and raising literal hell over there. I was at my wit's end about the time she passed, and I came upon this site. I am also so grateful that Cmagnum, our fearless leader started the thread! Yes, I agree with you that people here are very supportive, and I also believe in giving back. It's good to be also reminded about how we arrived here, thanks Bookworm. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Everyone,

Oh last week was quite hectic, work related. I'm having major problems with my hotmail account right now, can't really see emails. I know Mercury is going retrograde, I think tomorrow, I feel it already! Margeaux

Welcome and vent away.we may not have answers but we are here to support you just the same.sorry your about your situation and I wish I had answers but I don't. I am sure someone else will. So hang in there and hugs to you.

Thanks for the discussion... after this past month and all the commotion going on in court and trying to defuse a potentially volatile situation I am completely exhausted both emotional and financially. When my mother was in her last days one of my 3 brothers stepped in to assist my father, who was suffering from several TIAs. Now she has passed my 2 younger brothers seem to think they are owed something for the 3 months of care they helped with. They also think they have to avenge my mother for the many grievances she had against my father. I asked one to give it up and let it go... he told me he was not ready yet and would when he was good and ready... that would be a long time. Then he proceeded to drain all the money from my father's bank account! It has been a grueling experience and I am hanging on here by a thread... that is why I looked up some kind of forum to vent... I am ready to blow!

Oops lost a another short post....ugh!!! I will make arrangements for sis to meet Helen (the woman balancing mom's bank statements) on Wednesday afternoon. I say hopefully without problems because last week the two of them had a bad experience fueled by each others emotions....been there and back again. Have a good week, hugs to everyone and I hope that things are improving for all!!

oOPS LOST

I haven't posted in awhile because I have been busy. Working more hours and helping mom. My sister will be here on Wednesday to help mom (hopefully without problems) and I will make arrangements for sis to meet

Margeaux – Sure, you can join us shopping. Except, I think Emjo’s in Canada, I’m in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and you’re in the mainland U.S. It would be a juggling act to get us all together! ….. I spent Wednesday afternoon at Ross looking for slacks for work. I’ve been gaining weight on my stomache/butt/upper thighs. Most of my current slacks are quite tight that my tummy hurts. So, time to buy more pants. I was able to get 2 slacks and 1 black leopard print jeans. I can hem up the jeans but the slacks will need to go to the tailor for altering. I was a size 4P. I’m now 8P or regular 6. I’m really, really hoping that my tummy is getting big because I snack at night … and Not my endo or cyst returning. Don’t want anymore major operations.

The reason I support others here was because they helped me when I needed help. In late May or early June, I became suicidal. I had finalized The Plan: How, When and Where I was going to do it. I had found this site (I think) on Friday, and was suicidal on Monday. So, I posted here for help because a part of me did not want to die but the other part was determined. (All my life, due to a very dysfunctional childhood, I have always wished for death – even in elementary age.) The people here were Very Straight Forward (Thank goodness!) and some were very kind, understanding, sympathetic, etc… There were advices that I did not like or want to accept. But because I wanted to live, I had to force myself to accept it and proceed on it. (I told fave sis of this advice and it pissed her off. She cussed at the person who gave me that advice. But a month later, sis brought it up again. You see, she saw the difference in my life. I was not so bitter, angry or resentful with the other siblings. Anyway, she’s still carrying “my” anger to the siblings on my behalf. Sis has always been so emotional.) …… So, just as those advices helped me, I in turn will help others. Who knows who is feeling down? A little kindness will help them throughout the day. It did with me.

Sharyn – so sorry that it’s so difficult trying to get your mom diagnosed. Hopefully this time it will succeed.

Well today was super hectic at work because we have an inspection in the morning so we had to clean, clean, clean. I was scheduled to be off at 9:30 but didn't get off till 11pm. Thankfully it was slow because of Halloween.

Today was my sister's day to visit with mom, take her grocery shopping,etc. Well it didn't turn out so good for sis. Mom was out of control trying to find things she lost, blaming my sister for stealing them. Mom had lots of paperwork out all over the place looking for her checkbook, paperwork. Sis said she was running back and forth from the kitchen to the bedrooms digging thru everything and yelling at my sis the whole time accusing her of taking things. Sis called comcast to cancel the cable tv cause mom refuses to watch it, she called direct tv to see if they would reduce or waive the penalty fee for mom cancelling her contract early since she has Alzheimer's. They told her she would have to write a letter. She never took her grocery shopping cuz she couldn't handle mom with the accusations and witnessing her decline. She left a message on my cell and I called her on my lunch. She was in tears over it saying mom needs to be on medication and I couldn't deal with her, mom locker herself in the bedroom and sis left. I told her this is why I wanted you to see her more often helping because this is what I have been going thru the last few weeks with her. She can't manage things anymore and we need to be checking in with her personally more often. I think I am going to call her dr. in the morning to make an appt. with a neurologist that comes to his office once a week. If mom throws a fit when I take her in then I will have to deal with the fall out at that time, but if I can get her evaluated and on an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med, then all the better even if I have to go over to her house every morning to give it to her.

Margeaux~Mom needs us to be checking in with her more...not just on the phone. I told sis we need to work something out cuz I not getting any time here at home. She called me one evening saying I hope you know this is interfering in my naptime. I blew like a whales spout, Lol!! The point is mom is getting where she is not able to understand phone calls from solicitors and someone called her from energy savers telling her they were coming to her house last Friday at 3pm. I told sis I had to work Friday and blah, blah blah been helping her all week. She reluctantly agreed to leave work early to be there. She has so much vaca time built up that her employer is forcing her to take time off. Mom said she didn't give these people her address, they already knew it so I wasn't sure if they were really coming over. Anyway we have made an agreement for the time being and she will be leaving work early today again to take her out shopping if necessary, make sure she turns out her lights tonight and doesn't answer the door for Halloween. I wanted to set the boundary early in mom's care so sis doesn't get the idea that I am going to do it all since I live 5 minutes away from mom because 1) sis is named as #1 on the DPOA, 2) I don't want to have to answer to my sister, getting her approval before a decision is made and 3) I have my life to take care of just like she does and she only lives 45 minutes away. Her job is only 30 minutes away. I am not going to let her just assume I have nothing else to do since I live close and only work part time, its just too convenient for her to go about her life with no cares except to call me crying because mom accused her of stealing something, Lol!! I don't have time to be her therapist, mom's full time caregiver and take care of my own life too.
Good for you for wanting to spend time with your mom, I don't know how far away you are from your mom but I know driving the freeways in SoCal can be hectic at certain times of the day and week. When I visited my son back in May, it took me about an hour just to get thru the L.A. area on I-5 at 11:30 in the morning. Once I got thru that it was smooth sailing into San Clemente. Have a good day and I hope you get some shopping in for yourself, that is always a mood lifter too!!!

Bravo Sharynmarie,
It is great that you are setting the boundaries w/your sister.
Be it that you need to get your own things done, or devote time to your own life, well it is only fair.
Speaking from the perspective of the visiting daughter, in our family dynamics, I admit that before my aunt died, I wasn't as willing to go there and help out.
This was because my aunt was just too difficult. I once lived there years ago, while this person also lived there. She threw my shoes at me one morning from the top of the stairs, as I was on my way out to work. That was about 13 yrs., ago. So you can imagine how awful she became when she was somewhat older, and now very ill. Mother always took my aunt's lying side also, BTW. So when dad passed, I moved out of that household. I literally told mom, I could not live there anymore with her sister's behavior. By now, I also felt too much betrayal on mom's part, for always putting the sister first, and allowing abusive behavior towards me.
But now that it's only mom, at first I didn't volunteer to relieve my sister, also because her daughter lives there. I don't live close, otherwise this would be different. However, I'm making a conscious effort, for me, that I also experience mom w/ALZ, because one can't know for how long they are here, nor still a bit cognitive. Margeaux

Emjo,
Whoah! It sounds like you're really having a full on winter up there.
Does this kind of weather usually come so early? Here we are still in fall!
Maybe this hurricane has affected other parts of the country. Temps have been fluctuating out here on the West coast in the U.S. Never have lived in snow, but this must be very challenging, especially driving.
Well, just about anything can trigger the old anger feelings.
How are things w/your daughter going, and your mom, if I may ask?
I know going to mom's the last visit and some of my sister's not so helpful attitude sent me home w/at least stirring it up w/me.
Well be careful out there on the road, when you go for your appointment w/your therapist, I hope all goes well on this end. Good for you that you're wearing the colorful stuff, and earrings. I really believe that these things we do for ourselves, to brighten our moods help. This is why I need to go shopping, "something for me." I get a feeling w/some of us, that we come from backgrounds of doing too much for others, possibly, and must constantly remind ourselves when to do something nice and pamper ourselves. So you put those earrings on Emjo, this is one of the first things I do in the morning, HAAH! I kind of feel naked w/o them.
Much Love, and big hugs, Margeaux

Hi Bookworm,

Can I join the shopping trip? I haven't shopped in quite some time, and I sure do need to buy some new pants. I have been wearing the same ones, and I got away w/it during the summer. Now that the weather is changing, I'll definitely need something, just new and weather appropriate.
Bookworm, wow, how do you get up 10 times during the night. Your an amazing person! The last time I was at mom's doing that over nighter w/her, I got up about 3X's to assist her to bathroom, and that totally messed me up. Do you get to catch up on the sleep during the day? I hope so!
Anyway, it's good to hear what is going on w/your individual situation. I notice when you post, it seems mostly to be supportive of the rest of us, and I truly admire this about you! Well, I hope things are well w/you too.
Much Love & light , Margeaux

Emjo – I just Love shopping! If only we lived close to each other, we can go shopping. I’m satisfied even if it’s someone spending the money on themselves completely. I’m not like sis where I just have to buy something at every store we shop. I have an eye for colors and how it looks on people. Well, I’m really good at knowing when a color is Awful on a person. If you wear bland colors (light brown, light green, light red, etc..) you can help the color pop out by wearing a contrasting color or a deeper color of that family. I prefer contrasting color belt and/or matching colors necklace/earrings/bracelets/purse.

Sharyn – I smiled when you mentioned sis and you having to be living closer, that you set your boundaries. I’m glad.

Mom had a very active night (or early morning.) I got up several times each hour – starting at 2am. I looked at the time, and just couldn’t believe it was only 230am. The next time I looked at the clock – 330am. After that, I just stopped looking at the clock because it was upsetting me that the number of times I kept getting up to suction her and my Lack of deep sleep. It’s one thing when you just get up, suction, go to sleep. But, when you get up, see it’s 230am, suction, sleep. Get up, 245am, suction, sleep. Get up, 315am, suction, sleep. When you keep track of the time, it makes me aware of the Lack of Sleep I’m having! So, after that, I refused to look at the time. All I can say is that I have gotten up about 10 times.

Joan~I understand about having to deal with the anger for a lifetime. All the anger I dealt with in therapy was directed at my dad because of the physical abuse. I have not dealt with the anger my mom caused due conflicting messages, manipulation, verbal abuse and how she treated my dad. Weather affects our moods a lot and here we get fog in the winter that lasts for days. I have seasonal affective disorder too. The good news is it is much better than it was when I was younger. Color is such a mood lifter and I love that you are wearing purple, dangling earrings, nail polish!! It all helps. I was looking on the net for a light for light therapy for the SAD. I think I may buy one. I don't get downright depressed in the winter anymore, but I do get irritable especially when January comes around as it is the dreariest month here.
I deactivated my California Photography page on F/B because I don't have the time to make it a business like I wanted and to be honest, I don't think I have the business sense to make it successful, Lol!! I will friend you on my regular F/B account. I did look at your pics of the deer and they are great! I would love to get pics of some mild mannered wild life,Lol. My computer is wearing out as I found out that photo editing uses lots of power and memory and I am having problems posting pics on Flickr after I have edited them, My computer tells me the file is corrupt and Flickr will not upload a photo unless I have it in a j.peg file. We are looking in the Inspirion 660 by dell that has an i5 core processor which fits our budget, and we will still be able to get a laptop with all the word processing abilities too. Laptops are very reasonable now. Sis and I have come to a truce after my blow up with her last week, she not wanting to be available to help with mom and saying I am closer, blah blah blah,LOL!! I am setting boundaries with her and have gotten a grease board with the days of the week on it. I have 2 so I can rotate as my schedule is posted at work. She is making herself available a couple days a week to help with grocery shopping,etc. Today is the first day I have had to take care of things here at home since I came back from Idaho. I am listing my work schedule and the days I am available to help mom, the days she is available and will give this to mom to put on her fridge. I think it is only fair that she does her share of the physical work so I can have some time to take care of my house, spend time with my hubby and just relax. Anyway another long post no matter how I try to keep it short, Lol! I am happy to hear Clay is on the mend, keep us posted on his progress. Hugs and have a happy day!!

thx book. I wouldn't say he is fine, but on the mend. The subcutaneous emphysema is starting to get better, and hopefully he will continue on fluids, and graduate to solids. Yeah, spring is about 5 months away. I can't wait. Actually the dread of going out is worse than just going out. In the last couple of days, I brushed off about 6 inches of snow that was on the car, and will have to brush quite a bit again today. Winter driving is usually a matter of going slowly, leaving lots of room between you and the person ahead, and, of course, before you start, making sure you can see out the windshield and all the windows. You have to take time to warm the car up so the glass defrosts. You would freeze here!!!! I don't like the house more than about 73 degrees. Too hot above that!
sharyn - I love the summers too. 70s is about right. Love flowers, like rain and fog in small doses. Today it is a black, grey, and white world out there. I like colour, and we have too many months of wearing winter clothing with dark colours, and no colour outside either. I am trying to figure out how to brighten up my winter wardrobe - to help brighten my mood. You wrote earlier about being more "daring" with colours. I am working on that with accessories, nail polish etc. Anything to add some colour!!! When I put my pic up again, you can see the ridiculously large dangly purple earrings -all part of the fun. How is the photography going. I miss your pics on fb,

During the night, woke up early again, I got in touch with a lot of anger. I am just plain mad about having all this stuff to deal with, and having had so much to deal with all my life. And that it doesn't look like it will end soon. I know I need to deal with the anger. Probably writing it out is a good idea. Seeing my counsellor today, and we will talk about it. I am ready - more than - to be rid of it.

Hope everyone is having a decent day. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Joan~I am not a winter weather person. Love the sunshine, flowers blooming and trees with leaves. Our winters are mild here, higher humidity with fog, drippy misty days, by the time Christmas is over, I am ready for spring. Our temps are still in the 70's here with blue sky and sunshine, I am enjoying every minute of it cuz I know soon we will drop into the 60's then the 50's and the fog will come. Cheers for the sunny days to last a while longer!! Hugs to all!

Emjo- glad that Clay's doing fine now. You're already looking forward to spring? Isn't that ...like..6 months from now? I don't know how you all can stand the winter cold. Or driving in the snow and ice. I'd take tropical weather any time. When I visited sis in Colorado in July, I was freezing every time I showered. I hated it because I love to take a long hot shower. But, with 2 bedridden parents, I always have to rush through it. Then I go visit sis, and I still rush through it because it's Cold there! Well, they thought it was hot, but I was walking around with my sweater.

Yogi, I'm really sorry about the situation with your mom and how spiteful and mean your family are. HUGs to you!!!

margeaux - thanks for the chant. I and some others are continuing to pray for healing for Ckay, incuding the headaches. I do think the meds he was and is on have caused this problem. Hopefully the doc can address that. What a nice story about your neighbour, other than that her family does not visit her. She sounds like a very :cool:person and that the friendship is good for both of you. It is very nice of you to reach out to her,
Thanks sharyn - the tests came out OK, and he was started on broth today. Looks like he is on the mend, other than the headaches. I will know more tomorrow. Clay was an athlete before this all happened,a few years ago, which will stand him in good stead re his recovery. The men in Gary's family are a tough bunch. Hopefully life will settle down for a while.
I haven't been in contact with mother but she found some old emails from me on her computer, and thinks I just sent them - good enough.. Sometimes if you just wait it out, it sorts itself out. I have needed a break from her and still do. I am tired from this all. Still working on getting Toonie back in shape - I have bought him some raw food to add to his diet, and hope that will help.
It snowed quite heavily here for a while. I am glad Gary will be back soon to do some snow removal! My car is covered. I am ready for spring now!!!
Hope everyone has had a good weekend, and are ready for the coming week,

Joan~Thank you for the update on Clay! I am happy to hear he is up walking around. I know it is going to be a long ordeal for him, Gary and you. My heart and thoughts are with all of you as the dr.'s decide when to start his digestive system working again. How wonderful the family is pulling together during this time. Your strong faith will bring comfort to you and Gary's family!! Love and Hugs to you!!

Yogibear - ((((((((((((hugs)))))))) what a dreadful situation. Your brother hasn't changed much has he? Abusive behaviour. I am sorry you could get none of your mum's things, It is another hurt on top of the others. You were wise to look after yourself and insist that your sibs step in, for you couldn't look after your mum if your own health suffered too much, I am so very sorry.

thanks for asking, margeaus. I am tired but OK.

here is the latest on Clay, and it is encouraging. I am copying and pasting from another thread as I am tired. Hope you will forgive me that. I will get back to posting more soon. Hopefully life will settle down a little.

Latest update on Clay: Things are as good as they can be, praise God. Clay is up walking around, and in good spirits. His doc is waiting on test results to see if they can start to get his digestive system working again. Right now he has tubes draining everything out, and is on iv hydration and nutrition. The emphysema was particularly extensive, but the gas will reabsorb in time. His lungs are not damaged as far as I know. He is not on disability, and I have suggested that Gary look into that. This family is so used to being self sufficient, and working for what they get. He should be eligible. I am now including in my prayers healing for the family due to the divorce, as well as healing of the pain. It is needed. They are pulllng together through this, praise God again, Thank you, Jesus.
And thank you all for bearing with me, and for your prayers and support. I gave faith that God is working in this to accomplish His purposes. Gary is touched by the concern others are showing,
Love you all - Joan

My family still won't let me talk to or see my mom. It's been about 6 weeks since I talked to her last. She cried when I said I love you and my bro said he doens't like the drama so he has banned me from knowing anything about her condition or talking or seeing her. I took care of her for six years along with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was an addict to prescribed medication. I kicked him out of the house. My mom wanted to live with him. A year later my mom and her BF moved to where my bro, sis and I live. I did the doc appts, taking them shopping and anything else my mom needed. Mom's BF got sick my bro calls and tells me to go over and stay with my mom. Mind you I have an older sister who lived closer. I stayed with my mom for 5 days and told my bro and sis that I would leave if I got no help. My bro came over in the evening so I went home to eat sleep and return the next morning. So, I was doing this 7 days a week and he came over 2-3 times a week. I have Bipolar, GAD and PTSD. My bro raped me when I was a child. My sis has outright stated that she would never take care of my mom or dad. Leaving my family to make the decision for me that I was to cae for her. I took care of my grandma for 2 years before she passed away in the early 90's. They didn't help. My mental health was being severely effected while taking care of my mom for those two weeks. I told my bro and sis to make different arrangements because I was leaving. I love my mom so very much. We're best friends. But to punish me, my bro refuses to let me see or talk to her. What he doesn't understand is that he's punishing her. He never let my mom talk to her BF or see him, removed my mom from her home and took me away from her. All within a matter of days. She has Alzheimer's. I know she is confused and doesn't understand what's going on. I used to call my mom every other day and visit every to every other week. My mental illness doesn't mean anything apparently. I'm on disability for it. I needed the help and my bro and sis failed me. Now they're trying to make me feel guilty and punish me when they're really punishing her. It's always been up to me to be the caregiver neither one would step up to the plate but I have forced them too like they did me and they don't like it. Also, my sis emailed me telling me if I wanted anything of my mom's to go to her apartment by Oct. 5th and get the key from th office. I called the apartment and they said no, only the tenant can get the key to o inside the apartment. So, I received nothing of my mom's. And the real kicker, most everything, 80%, of my mom's things I either bought her or gave her. They did that out of spite. I have called agengies and the police. There is nothing I can do to see or talk to my mom because they say it's a domestic squabble.