The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn ((((hugs)))) it is amazing how things can get out of hand with holidays, and such, due to the expectations of others. I mean, goodness, every family is entitled to spend a holiday the way they want to, and I know it can be hard running around to other people's houses.
you too - cmag it should not be a marathon. I love your idea -sounds wonderful. I remember one Christmas after I separated from ex and things were going to be different, thinking that the real gift is Jesus, and the others don't matter that much.
austin - from Canada you are very welcome - glad we could help. Hope you have stress free hols too
luv mom - welcome - It may be very expensive to keep your mum in her home as her disease progresses, and I can see that the person with financial POA has to be involved with the decision, to make the best use of the resources. You may want to look into what will be needed. At some point your mum would need some one there 24/7. Does she have the resources for everything? There are people who have done it, so it is possible, but usually the person is cared for in their own home by a spouse or other family member, as far as I can see. It certainly would be good to keep mum in her home as long as you can.
closetotheedge - how are you doing?

Cmag your plan sounds like a good plan-as for keeping the holidays more stress free-I am all for that-being together with family and friends to me is what it is all about. Emjo I have meant to thank your countrymen for comming to NY to work on our power lines-many were in my area of the state and they were greatly appreciated.

Cmag~I like your idea of Christmas and Thanksgiving. In my husband's family, they had Christmas and Thanksgiving at his grandparents until his grandfather passed away. Then my mil took over doing the dinners. We rotated back and forth having dinner with my family for Thanksgiving, Christmas with the in laws. The next year we reversed it. After the kids were born, it got very chaotic and hectic. The kids were stressed from going from one house to the other and there was no enjoyment of the holidays. Many Christmases I should have stayed home because my son was sick alot when he was little, bronchitist, mild asthma. My mil would not hear of it so I would take him out running btwn. my parents/family and the in-laws. After 15 years of doing this, I just couldn't keep it up anymore. I started cooking at home. I invited my in-laws to come over for dinner reassuring them that my husbands entire family was invited, we could continue to rotate but I would cook one of the holiday meals for them each year. It created all kinds of problems and hurt feelings with my in-laws. I regret it now because when my daughter turned 18, they launched all out war against me accusing me of keeping the grandkids from them. I was very hurt because that was not my intentions at all. They are very strict on traditions. I do hope you can have Christmas and Thanksgiving at home, maybe start by doing it every other year.

Moms POAHC has been implemented. I truly would not expect the sibling to NOT pay for Mom's neccessities including utilities, meds, etc. nor do I have the monetary means to do so. Thus, it would be a case of neglect.

Mom has repeatedly expressed her desire to stay in her home. She may have her POAHC implemented, yet is not so confused as to be able to obviously express her desires. Which, hopefully, WILL be considered for her living arrangements. I certainly would hope my wishes were considered when/if this time comes and not be thrown into an institution despite my wishes.
There is no place like HOME!

Cmag - that is what my siblings do all the time. But of course, we all live in the same island - no 8hr drive to/from. But my siblings celebrate their xmas for their immediate family (whether early in the morning, or late afternoon.) Then around mid day on xmas - about 2pm - all family congregate at father's house to celebrate with everyone...xmas and thanksgiving is just a small barbecue. If we tire of bbq food, we make local dishes like ham hock soup or very hot stewing chicken (can't stand this - chew and chew and chew), etc....

How about you and your immediate family have that very personal dinner the night before xmas? Or order take outs and bring it into your hotel room and exchange Personal gifts and talk, catch up with each other? Then you and the family will celebrate again as the clan celebration ON xmas day?

Hi LuvMom! I don't really have much knowledge but I do read a lot on this site. As long as your mom is still competent and No official doctor's diagnosis that she is "unfit or a danger to self/public" - Your mom has a say.

Depending onthe sibling who has financial control- does she have the control NOW or when mom is diagnosed as "Unfit"? If sibling has control now, he/she - if spiteful - can refuse to dish out the cash for your mom's maintenance/cost of living. They can say - "since you refuse to put mom in Asst.Living/NH, then YOU are responsible for all of mom's cost." I will only touch the money for mom if you do it MY Way. (I read this from one or two posters here!!)

Your mom, at the moment, has ultimate say on her life.

Great to have found this site as dealing with a completely dysfunctional family.
I wish to be primary caretaker for my Mother who has first to second stages of Alz. Battling with siblings who wish to have her sell home and be placed in either assisted living, or nursing home.
She has repeatedly stated she wishes to stay in her home. I am POAHC while other sibling is in charge of finances.
WHO ultimately has the final word?

What I would want for a holiday would be simplified and in my own house with just my family. For both Thanksgiving and Christmas meals, we could go to one of those places that fixes such meals for those who either don't want to cook at home or don't need to cook a whole turkey, etc. If there is a church service the night before or the day of Thanksgiving, I'd like to take my family to that just like I would a Christmas Eve service. I'd also like to cut down on the over abundance of Christmas decorations that we have and only have a few things out plus a smaller tree. I'd also like a reduced focus on gifts and how much we spend on each other and more focus on Christ and being together as a family for Christmas. We could do gift exchanges with relatives earlier than Christmas day.

I am going to look at Ross today. I like the blouses with brown/black/tan. Mostly I see pink, blue, green with small spots...that is why I say they remind me of army fatigues. I like the zebra print too.

just lost a post on another thread but will try here -
cmag -why don't you think about what you would want for a holiday? That does not sound like much fun for your son - or the rest of you
book - thanks for the post - I saved one off facebook about the 12 things happy people do differently and may try to post here later. I have a black/grey animal print wrap my daughter gave me. I like it and one beige/brown tank top, as well as a jump suit. You can find quite a number of variations of animal prints these days - zebra for example. I like the newer ones - more subtle.
closeto the edge - hope you get some help and do some good things for you, We have to look after ourselves any way we can.
austin -not an easy time for you I am sure. Just because a parent passes, it doesn't mean all the feelings go away. How are you doing?
sharyn - hope you find the right print. We all need a pick-me-up
margeaux -how's it going?
everyone -thinking of you
Toonie and I are semi hibernating - too cold out there at 23 degrees.
G and I are travelling east early in December. He has a business meeting and I have friend nearby who I haven't seen in years. We will stay a few days with them, and also make a trip to Niagara Falls, hopefully. I understand it is quite a bit warmer there, even though it is winter. I am looking forward to the break.
Love and hugs to everyone Joan

Joan, I'm not sure what taking my own holidays would look like? Our youngest son is so glad to have an internship over winter break so that he does not have to go up to grandmas. He wishes that he had something else to do for Thanksgiving than drive 8 hours home one day, the next day ride 3 hours to grandmas only to ride back 3 hours on Saturday and drive back 8 hours to college. However, his car does need some repair which he could have had done during fall break which he did not come home for.

I haven't seen leopard/animal print on jeans or pants except pajamas. Thanks for the info on the stores.

This is an email that was sent to our office email. I thought it was appropriate for US caregivers!......

STRESS....everybody has it.

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...
She fooled them all ..... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

Book that post about stress was great-thank you for sharing it with us.

Sharyn - I see so many animal prints at Ross, Kmart and even Macys. I can't stand those prints. I see it and see "old fashion". It's "In" now but when fashion goes, it will be soooo out-of-date. I do own ...1 brown animal print blouse - very obvious print. That's why I was trying to find more of the black jean subtle print. I think it's a great style - even if the prints go out of fashion, the jeans will still look sharp!

Thanks, Cmag for the info. I was feeling bad that maybe I put my foot in my mouth. Did you see the post I put in earlier from work about STRESS? I didn't have time to put it in all the threads that I visit daily. I only put it in YOU and Gross. I wonder if it will work if I copy and paste it from one thread to this? Let me give it a try. I think it's a good one!

Book~I have been looking for a leopard print shirt/blouse but haven't found one that looks real. Most I have seen come in different colors and remind me more of army fatigues than animal print.

You all have heard the saying, It takes a village to raise a child...well, it also takes a village to care for the elderly.

Close to the edge~Welcome to the thread!! We hope to hear more from you. You will get lots of support to help you.

Emjo –too many leopard prints nowadays. I don’t like to follow the crowd. The jeans that I bought is quite subtle but really pretty.

Hi, CloseToTheEdge – I have 7 siblings. For 23 yrs father and I took care of my mom who has Alzheimer. 23 years of not much help. I have friends – 3 – whom the family pitched in to help their Alzheimer parent or stroke-ridden parent. So, I always thought that it was just OUR family that was messed up. Attended my 1st and only therapy and still didn’t believe the therapist when he quoted a very high number on which families do NOT help with the parent. Then I found this site, and over and over, you read of different posters struggling like me and you – in which our siblings do Not Help. Last year father had a stroke so I’m now caring for 2 bedridden parents. Long story short – I have taken YEARS to get where I am in which some of my siblings are now helping just last year and one more this year – 4 out of 7 is now helping.

Can you tell us more background information? Maybe someone here who is going what you are going through will be able to give you some advice….

I never thought in a million years that my siblings would basically abandon my dad and myself. Not my family..we were too close, too loving....TOO BLIND!

wow sharyn -glad you got the payment in for the insurance policy. Also glad you did some retail therapy
I know the holidays are occupying many people's minds - lildeb - u forgot - I could do that!
I will be back tomorrow - a few more aches and pains getting in the way - arthritis in my typing hand now that the fibro has settled down - always something.
cmag -maybe time for your own holidays!
margeaux - hope your sis is not too overbearing
book - the black leopard print jeans sound great -I was visualizing something more startling...
looks like I will be travelling to Ontario in a few weeks.with G who has business there I have a friend there I haven't seen in years and we are hoping to get together -would be nice.
more later - Joan

I'm glad to hear about the 60 day grace period and that your mom wrote a check for this month's premium. Yes, it would be great if you could get it put on auto pay directly from her checking account.

I thank God for Nancy and Helen! Both these ladies are helping us with mom because mom doesn't communicate to me and sis due to her paranoia. My mom's policy is limited, it pays up to a certain $$ amount. I do not know what it pays monthly for a NH. I have been trying to get my sis to check that out??? Anyway, Nancy called me this morning telling me the payment for mom's LTC is due today. So I went over to mom's and talked with her. I told her you really need to pay this mom, if you want to stay at home having home healthcare, this policy covers that and you won't pay the full amount out of pocket. She wrote the check out and I mailed it at the post office. Plus we found out that this policy has a 60 day grace period, so all is good for the next month and hopefully we can find out more on what it pays monthly if/when mom is placed. In the mean time we are going to try to get the payment on automatic withdrawal thru moms debit card.

Yes, retail therapy helped so much!!! I picked up a few things I have been neglecting to get for myself.
Austin~You are such a kind person helping to support current caregivers. Don't feel guilty for going home to a quiet house, you deserve that and have earned it. The point is you are still giving of yourself and I and everyone else appreciates it!!
Hugs to you, Cmag and everyone else!!!

Some long term care policies have are limited. Others, like my mothers, last for the lifetime of the person. I've been told by the folks at the NH that if my mother were to exhaust all of her resources, then medicaide would pay what her LTC program does not cover which right now is $2,500.

sharynmarie, I hope you found your 'retail therapy' to be therapeutic.

Sharymarie I am not sure how much LTC pays in the nursing home also it might mess up medicaide-I have had my policy for many years and I think most of its purpose to delay nursing home placement and be taken care of at home but since she has dememtia maybe the insurance company could be made to reinstate her-it might be worth a try. you deserve to go shopping-I belong to a caregivers support group along with other former caregivers and the people running the group gave us a lucheon today and I almost felt guility going home to a qieut home-my friend and I did not have this available when we were caregivers so we do as much as we can to support current caregivers.

Cmag~I can see why you feel as you do. My mother makes her own drama too at every family function and by doing what she just did by cancelling the LTC policy. She has Alzheimer's so now she will have to pay out of pocket when she does have to be in a NH. Personality disorder vs. Alzheimer's is a constant struggle for mom to have logical thinking.
Lets all focus on happy thoughts and do something nice for immediate loved ones and ourselves. I am going to go buy some needed clothing...shopping therapy!! :=))

Venting is good and that is what we do here-and very well I might add.

book, two things will make Thanksgiving good. One, my SIL is a very nice person to be around. Two, we stay in a hotel instead of in anyone's house.

Yes, we go there for Christmas too. I did change this several years ago so that we would have our own Christmas day at our house, but that only lasted so long. Now my wife's reasoning is that she does not think her mother, in her eighties, will live much longer. Frankly, the best thing for both my wife and my SIL will be having a life more of their own once the drama queen is gone.

The best change that has not changed that I was able to get done was not letting my MIL go on vacations with us which changed back in 2003 after doing so since the birth of our first child back in 1991. My wife was so overly attached to her mother and so worried about her inheritance that she would not hear to her mother not going with us on our vacations although her worshipfullness, mommy dearest, borderline drama queen always created a scene. I was too tolerant of all that mess which I did not like. I'm glad she got her mother issues dealt with in therapy and I am glad to have gotten mine dealt with in therapy also.

Frankly, I've not really ever had much of my own Christmas for even as a child and a teenager, part of the divorce settlement was that one parent got me for Christmas week one year and the next year the other parent got me.

Well, there is my venting for the day!

I do not miss holidays with the husband at all with all the drama at all. I keep the holidays as simple as I can and will cook dinner here but not sure who is comming or what time-I may decorate for Christmas or not. I am not going out to my sister's this year-I have been away so much with the wedding and mom's illness and death-I need to stay put for a while and will go out after the holidays to clean out mom's apartment.

Well, Cmagnum, there goes my hoping that you and your family will have a relaxing family reunion! Gee, whiz! More stress added to you and the family! Please don't tell me that you guys also go there for Christmas! If you do, I think it's time that you and wife start your own Xmas tradition..Later..

Hi Sharyn, Margeaux, Austin and Lildeb!

sharynmarie, I am so sorry to hear about your terrible day in which your mother canceled her long term care policy and to do so for such a ridiculous reason that is contrary to why one buys such a thing to begin with.

My mother had been wisely paying for one for years, but did not tell anyone about it and when I discovered it did not want to use it plus she had not benefited at all from the riders that she put on it for home health care and home builder care. I was so glad to learn that she had placed the premium payments on auto pay from the bank. While it does not pay her whole bill, it is good to have. However, that is another thing that my step-dad does not understand. Somehow, he thinks that this long term insurance plan is keeping my mother a prisoner in the nursing home. Thus, he is not helping support her financially in the nursing home at all, but he could. But no, the extra financial support has to come from her private accounts. His son tells me that I can't access the money in their joint account for her support because she has not put money in that account for years. I told him that while I could see his reasoning, that I did not agree with him for that is not how banks view joint accounts and as my mother's POA, if she needs funds from that account, I can draw them for her care which made him mad.

At face value, my Thanksgiving plans sound good. However, my MIL has never been that enjoyable to be around. She is 'mommy dearest' reincarnate. She has a very negative view of men because of some things that her brothers did to her while growing up as kids. It is a real strain on my wife for she lived under the brunt of her mom's rule more than her sister did. Her sister got raised more by her nurturing, passive, dependent dad who was the most enslaved man that I've ever seen. How his wife treated him was beyond henpecking!!! She misses him because he is no longer around to do for her. Needless to say, but neither I nor my sons really like going up there all that much, but my wife feels obligated to go. Our youngest son found a winter internship over winter break, partially so that he could miss the drama of such a dysfunctional family system that we always have to visit for Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. Just like I have not felt up to putting a lot of decorations out for the fall and pre-thanksgiving, I am not up to decorating much for Christmas either beyond just a few things and and much smaller tree this year.

Love, hugs and prayers to all!

Well today was not so great, I found out I'm not getting Wednesday off. I am deeply disappointed especially after I was told I could have it. We will skip Thanksgiving this year as my hubby has to work a 12 hour shift on Friday so he won't be home till 8pm. My son has to be back at work the day after Thanksgiving. I'm not sure if he is still going to come up to visit or wait for another time. I will get to see my daughter but not have a family gathering.
I also found out today my mom cancelled her Long Term Health Care policy!!!! I don't know if it can be reinstated, my sister hopes to find out tomorrow. Mom won't be able to get a "new" policy because she has a pre-existing condition. Mom told Helen (the woman who balances her check book) that she cancelled it so me and my sis can't put her in a nursing home. I am angry because her attorney's attitude about mom's situation was just...Oh well, it's her life. Guess what, if any of us could say, "It's my life" and not recognize that we still affect the rest of our family members is sadly mistaken. It's not because of an inheritance or lack there of that angers me. Its the unnecessary stress mom creates because she can't leave anything alone. She has always been this way.Anyway...enough venting, I have too much to be happy about and more things to take care of here at home.
My kitty has been under the weather the last few days, not eating, not playing. He seems better tonight...he ate this morning and little more tonight and was playing earlier. Hopefully I can avoid a vet bill and see how the the Tiger cat is tomorrow.
Joan~I am happy to hear Clay is home recovering. He probably is more comfortable at home with family!! Sending my healing thoughts to you, Gary and family. Fibromyalgia is very painful from what I know about it. Take care!!
Margeaux~Good to hear from you!!! Hope your sister doesn't go overboard for Thanksgiving. There is nothing worse than a person who orchestrates the whole day, Lol!!
Cmag~I hope all works out with your wife and the upcoming appts. How hard it must be using crutches for such a long time. It does sound like you step father is just oblivious to your mothers decline. I understand how sad it makes you feel when you visit her.It sounds like your Thanksgiving plans are made so enjoy the time with your family!
Lildeb~Crazy, Crazy, Crazy you are, Lol!! I hope you hear soon on the results of the biopsy. It sounds more to me like you have together girl!!