The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

It's been about a week since I've been here. Most of my extra time (what little I have) has been spent trying to keep my mother too occupied to think about her other 3 children that really show no concern for her. We had a quiet Thanksgiving....just me and my mother. I never assume that we will receive an invitation, so we shopped for a Thanksgiving meal for just the 2 of us. It wasn't until late last night that my niece called and invited her to dinner, but she declined the offer. Mom thought it would make me feel bad since I did my best to make sure that we were able to have a celebration, even if it was just the 2 of us. I insisted that if she wanted to go, that I would gladly make sure she gets there. She sees me everyday......she sees them maybe 4 or 5 times a year. She told me that she wanted to stay right here at home since this home & this comfortable life that I try to give her is what she is most thankful for. Of course, I was in tears by then.

So we spent our day cooking & laughing. But out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "What's wrong with my children???? What have I done that makes them treat me this way????" I had no answers because I could never do that to my mother & I certainly didn't understand how my siblings could.

We blessed our meal & gave thanks. I'm thankful for being able to do whatever I can for my mother, and she was thankful for me. It was a very powerful moment for us.

Cmagnum, I do feel for you n I do hope you n your family have a very blessed holiday. Look at that, u r their n able to at least try n help your son with the car situation. Also, that your wife can at least walk around a little bit with the crutches. That at least u have two sets of clothes that u have washed n r ready if you still decided to go on that trip. She is at least not going butt naked. I had to throw that in for you need to get a sense of humor with the mess you got going on. However, You are manage everything that crosses your path n that is amazing n I admire your strength n love that you are able to give during this time. Don;'t forget about yourself n take time to breath. Again, I hope that you n your family have a blessed n safe Thanksgiving. Smile we all love you....

This afternoon, we saw the doctor for my wife's knee surgery pre-op. The surgeon did not back me up today about not going at all. He did tell my wife that she could walk on that sprained ankle using her crutches, but if it is not healed in time for knee surgery on the opposite leg on December 6th to let him know. He also told her to just use the crutches to hope to the bathroom in the hotel room vs taking the bedside toilet. Well, the pre-op visit today was not a total lost, but once he said what he did about walk on it using your crutches, I made sure to ask about the trip and about the beside toilet. My wife only has three outfits that she can wear in this cold weather with her left knee brace and right foot ankle splint. I'm washing two of them tonight so that all three are clean for our three day trip. Also, the doctor did not think my wife qualified for our insurance to cover home health care now or post op.

This morning, we had to get some maintenance work done on our youngest son's car. The EGR valve had gone bad and a transmissioin sensor that keeps you from starting the car in gear. I've gotten my Highlander some running boards and had those put on today by the same mechanic.

Bookworm,

Thanks for the email and pointers about the Stress.
I really liked especially the last one, love chocolate!
Much Love, Margeaux

This is a very big battle for me since I don't like confrontation and my wife like my mother is not submissive. Tonight's getting into bed problems made her wonder outloud about the beds in the hotel. Maybe she will wake up in the morning in more ways than one.

Rest sure is important and last night, I did not get much sleep. With her limited mobility, I got her some depends and a bed pad last night. Today, I checked out a bedside toilet from our church and rented a transport chair to help her in the house. Unlike last night, she could not get up into our bed tonight for it is on the high side and she is short. So, she is sleeping in the lowest bed we have. Our oldest son will just have to sleep in his brother's room since his brother likes to sleep on the sofa. What a day and week, this has turned into. Wew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good nite!

cmag - scripturally you are the head of the house. It sounds like far too much to drive, visit in the lobby, take a toilet etc.. I agree that it is a bad idea. Your wife has a limiting physical condition - it comes to us all sooner or later. What would her doctor say about her taking the trip? Would he back you up? I think you could just say no. It definitely is in everyone's best interests. (((((hugs)))) Joan

Margeaux, my wife will not listen to reason about not leaving home for Thanksgiving which I and my therapist thinks is a bad idea. We also don't think the doctor will go forward with the knee surgery on December 6th when he learns about her injuries on her good leg tomorrow in our pre-op meeting. She wants to take the bedside tolliet that we have borrowed from church with us to use in the hotel room. This is going to be a rough holiday. I guess that I could have said, well I'm not driving you there no matter how bad you want to go because you are in no condition to go. BTW, she talked with her mother today and told her that she and her sister could visit her in the hotel lobby while we are up there. That's great. :(. This means 3 days of eating out or taking out and bringing back to the hotel for 4 people over 3 days with two nights in the hotel. I'm ready to exploud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh boy, I definitely fit in here. I am the caregiver for my ex mother in law who lives with my ex husband. He is an addict, and she has dementia and is mean, mean mean. I got the job of caregiver by default, but there is no one else, and I seem to be able to calm her down and get her to listen. But I don't know how to deal with her smart aleck behavior and meanness.

Envision since she will not help herself-call social services there are services available for those with little or no money give her a week or two to find other living arrangements and be firm she did not avail herself to the lifeline you gave her and will never clean up her act if you provide a home for her-you do not deserve to be treated like this by anybody.

Cmagun,
WOW!! I failed to read the post where you said your wife had injured her foot on the boat. I totally agree with Sharynmarie, maybe you might want to talk to your wife about making a trip as such. This could put a lot of stress on her body, riding so many hours in a vehicle, no matter how comfortable it is. You're in my thoughts, Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

My sister is the exact way, just not homeless. Years ago, about 15, my sis's husband passsed away. She lived in Ca. and couldn't afford to live by herself. I had a house with an extra room and told her she could live with me. Well, she got there and told me what to do in my house. I couldn't leave a plate in the sink, I needed to clean this or that. She was allergic to cats, I had 2. I got rid of them for her so she would be OK. I couldn't handle it any longer. I moved out of my own house and she stayed there. About 2 years later, I told her I needed my house back and she needed to move out. She was PISSED. I figured 2 years was long enough for her to save money but she had been on those shopping networks buying stuff. I guess she figured she would live there the rest of her life. She was and still if on SSDI. She moved out, I gave her plenty of time, 2 months. After she moved out and got her own apt. she ended up getting a cat. Then it turned into three. She has three cats and is supposedly allergic to them. I'm not sorry I helped her out but I'm damned tired of how she treats me now along with the rest of my family.
PS Still can't talk/see my mom. I'm at my wits ends. I guess I just have to let things go and know that while I had her live with me then helped care for her while she was with her BF, I did an absolutely wonderful job in caring for her.

Sharynmarie,
It is quite stressful to do the running from family to family during Thanksgiving.
Yes, and once people have kids, I really think it makes it very tough on the parents and the children. I know my brother and his family used to show up every Thanksgiving, after they'd been to the wife's side of family. My sister in law would say, the kids were tired at some point, and wanted to have their own turkey for once at home. Their drive is rather far from both grandparents home.

Sharynmarie, don't be so hard on yourself. I don't have kids, but my husband and me have never made our own turkey either because we are always invited to mom's, and yes it's the "it may be mom's last." But I wish also, at times to make our own turkey, and invite some of my other friends over.
Oh boy, so you did this fifteen years, and your in laws were saying you kept your kids away from them? Please don't feel guilty about that. One would think that people might learn to behave in much more gracious ways, so that we may continue to want to go to their homes for the holidays. But I'm sure they never gave that a thought.
Well I'm hoping that you can continue to get the life insurance policy for your mom continued. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My Dad live with me and my husband. My sister has been on and off homeless most of her adult life. Needless to say, it is because of bad choices she has made, and continues to make. She had breast cancer and just finished treatment in another state. So, I invited her to come stay with me while she saved some money to get her life on track. Well, if taking care of my dad isn't challanging enough, he and my sister, mostly my sister, have started treating me as if I am a child. My sister yells at me all the time, has taken over the house, tells me how to drive, demands that I take her everywhere I go. And has decided that my little dog is not trained properly, and she wants to start hitting my dog. I told her not to hit my dog, ever! She is one of my older sisters, so I guess she thinks she has the right to yell, scream, insult, and make fun of me. I don't want her to stay here anymore, I just can't take it. I think she must be seriously mentally ill, I really think she needs medication. She will once again be homeless if I ask her to leave. I guess I just need some encouragement. Thank you.

Cmagnum,

I read about your plans for Thanksgiving. Isn't it crazy, how we put ourselves through so much stress for these holidays? This must be a tough spot for you, especially the way you've described your MIL, the narcissist. Then I am aware of your wife's health issues right now. I know, it's as if we feel obligated to say yes to people in the family, yikes! Well no matter what, take some deep breadths, and if you do decide to go try visualizing a lot of hearts and your MIL's image before you go. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Emjo,
How are you and yours? This is great that you and Toonie can hybernate.
It must be cold your way.

Well I still have yet to resolve some problems with my email, have not been able to read them. Overall I've been doing o.k. The reason I had posted that I was not looking forward to the Thanksgiving, is because prior to the recent birthday party my sister helped her daughter plan for the grandson, there was of course the drama. Oddly enough, it involved the very same cousin who rode w/me a couple mos. ago, to the family gathering. My cousin D, was invited to this party and there was an rsvp. First thing was that D rsvp'd. Then she called me to see whether she could ride to the party w/me and my husband. To be quite honest, I felt a bit cornered by D's request to pick her up. She lives a bit out of our way enroute to where they had the party. But I said yes to that. Then a week later, I received a call from my sister saying that D had canceled out on the rsvp, stating that D's excuse was that she was going to her own grand kid's birthday party.
Well this didn't go over too well w/my sister. Actually, I thought this was rather rude on my cousin's behalf. She could have been way more general w/her excuse. Anyway, by way of these events, of course I started to feel in between my sister and D. They used to get along better. Recently though there's some rumbling going on between them. D's daughter, our younger cousin is currently dating a widower, who used to be married to our older cousin. Of course, this kind of news would tend to raise eyebrows I'm sure in many families. But apparently D, had shared info. w/my sister about her daughter and the widower.
He's a very nice man, is still included w/in the family even though his wife has been deceased about 13 yrs., now. I wish I could say the same, for the cousin he's dating; she's quite the user. D told my sister that he'd bought her daughter a leather coat, and that he was taking her on a cruise. Anyway, my feeling when the birthday party drama was happening, that my sister beneath it all is jealous of this dating-cousin, and of course it's put some kind of wedge between my sister and my cousin D, mom of the dater. Anyway, I did what I had to do to circumvent becoming the baloney between two pieces of bread. Now, as a result of that, I haven't been minimally in touch w/my sister. I'm trying to create a safe distance between us. But we will all gather at mom's on Thanksgiving. Since I'll be there the least I can do is, hopefully arrive there free of mind games, and just enjoy the day! Well, I'll manage, and thank you for asking about me, Emjo. Much Love, Margeaux

I spent a lot of time today with mom. Took her dog in for grooming this morning, took mom grocery shopping, picked up the dog at 1pm. Then back to mom's at 4pm to go thru her mail. I took some of it home since it is junk and solicitations for donations. I called them requesting to remove her from their mail list. Sis said mom agreed to let her take over her checkbook and bills and sis told her she would have everything sent to sis's house, write out the checks, then have mom sign the checks so she feels she in still in control. Hopefully this will work out. Got the ceiling painted in daughter's former room, I see I need to sand more on those darn horizontal lines before I paint the walls. Progress is progress, Lol!!

Cmag~I agree about making the trip. Talk with your wife about staying home this Thanksgiving and Christmas. Her injuries need rest and time to heal before the surgery. I picked up a whole turkey breast to make later next year for me and hubby, all I have to do is stuff it and bake. I hope it works out for your wife...you and she just can't please and do all. Take care...Hugs to you and your wife!!

Exhausted for we had a surprise trip to the ER today. Wife is in sad shape with left knee bruised bones not healed after 4 months along with a torn ligament in the left foot after falling down some stairs on a boat. Then today falling down the front steps while trying to go up and injuring the right foot to the point that it is elevated and in a brace. She's been on crutches and in a wheel chair for 4 months and now her good foot on her good leg is injured.

She has an eye test appointment in the am and on Wed. is to go into pre-op for her upcoming knee surgery on December 6th. Then, to top it all of, we are to go to see relatives for Thanksgiving on Thursday. I'm not sure we have any business making that trip.

I've learned that my MIL has planned to set up a trust fund for both my wife and her sister to inherit from her with monthly distributions of funds from each trust. The plan for my wife's trust is to set it up in such a way that if she dies before me, the remaining money goes to our boys. I did not know you could set up a trust in that manner. However, neither trust fund has been set up because my MIL does not want the bank or that matter anyone to know just how much money she has which is spread among several banks. So, if this status continues until she dies then there will not be any trusts set up for my wife or for her sister. I'm certain that my MIL intends on setting up my SIL's trust fund in such a way that her husband will not inherit anything from it in case she dies first.

My dad has decided to split my inheritance between me and our boys. That's interesting.

Sounds like it is worth a try, Yogibear.

I called RAINN, Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. I was told that even after almost 40 years I can report to the police the fact that my brother raped me. I don't know if it will do any good but I think it will make me feel better seeing that it was never done for me when I was a kid. Also, it may give me some leverage to get the police to get his address and check on my mom's welfare. Everything else has failed so far, maybe this is the ticket. All I can do is try.

Wow, you all have great responses. I know I was naive (still can be at times). I did not have an extended family growing up My mother hated my dad's family even though she never met them until 1975 when we went to N. Ireland for 3 weeks. She made a big scene cuz she wasn't getting all the attention...My mom hated anyone who had a relationship with my dad or me and my sibs. Back to my in-laws, they are basically good people, they believe that when their children married, their spouses were to become "like" them, especially their dil's. My bil is divorced and so is my sil. My husband did stand up to his parents but they got very clever especially my mil, at saying things to me when my husband was not in ear shot to hear. My mil would tell me all the time if I didn't do things her way, I was not doing it right. I never told them how I felt about their control but I would stand up to her especially after she told me I needed my husband to fight my battles for me. When we first got married and were living in an apartment, my bil (a year younger than me) would come over and visit. He talked about how his mom said my husband was the black sheep of the family. His family is strictly republican and my husband registered as a democrat, my fil made a career in the Navy, my husband went in the army. Both of these actions hurt his father deeply. My bil on the other hand did everything like his dad, went in the Navy, registered as a republican. When his marriage went down hill, his parents advised him to separate from her and not divorce her until the kids were 18, that way she couldn't keep the kids from him or the grandparents. What ended up happening, when he did file for divorce, he had been legally married for 20 years, separated for 10. He now has to pay her alimony until she dies or gets remarried because she is on disability, works part time for an attorney who pays her under the table. Joan, don't get me wrong, I know that fibromyalgia is real and painful, but she is on disability for fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, a lung allergy. When they were married she was too tired to clean, cook and take of the kids. Her mother would come over and cook every night for her and the kids. Come Friday night, she was out the door in the bars with her friends. She still does this to this day. If I were my bil, I would hire a private detective to follow her, gather up all the info they can against her, and take her back to court to try to get the alimony reversed. BYW, my sil's 28 yr.old daughter has only worked a total of 4 months since she gradutated HS and refuses to learn to drive. They don't believe in therapy, depression, etc. Again, if it were my daughter, I would either apply tough love or had her in therapy a long time ago. My sil and her daughter have what I call a symbiotic co-dependency. Enough of this. Hugs to everyone, I love the responses on this issue!!!

You are right Joan and I probably did not say what I was trying to say clear enough. Instead of dealing with her narcissistic mother head on, my wife either caved in and demanded the rest of the family did to or tried to hide behind me standing up against her mother for her none of which ever changed anything. After years of hell on vacations and home visits via MIL, I set the boundary of her mother was no longer welcomed in our house or on vacations for the sake of my mental health and the mental health of the boys. At first, my wife agreed to it, but soon broke it and that twice with consequences that my therapist advised me to do each time, one of which involved taking the boys and myself away to a hotel while her mother was there. Two years later on, my wife stood up to her mother on her own one time when I was not there in response to her mother treating our boys the way she had treated her and his sister. Like I had advised her and the boys, if anything goes wrong leave, check in a hotel and then come home. It took one more response for my MIL to get it that she was to no longer stay in our house. When this took place she just left straight for home in the morning after the even that night. I encouraged her to contact her therapist right then because they can help you the most when things are fresh. She did and her therapist encouraged her to be proactive by writing a letter telling her mother precicely what went wrong, etc. which she did, but the first version was too tactful and her therapist encouraged her to be bold. My wife had never written her mother after a bad event, but we always got a mean letter from her mother after a mean event. I must say that I felt closer to my wife once she made her first step toward freedom from her mother and that co-dependent relationship. Things have continued to improve since that time in 2005. I guess what I was trying to say was the in-law can wish their spouse had more freedom from normally their mother, but until they become a team which includes the directly related person standing up, the freedom does not take place and no further sense of intimacy is gained, but in fact the opposite which had lead some marriages to breaking down which I know my MIL would love for both of her daughters' marriages. For too many years, I just suffered through the in-law, mess, but I reached a point where enough was enough.

I think we all have made mistakes doing things that others expected of us, and having wrong priorities. All we can do is move forward. I tried to be flexible with my kids, because my mother was so inflexible, and expected everything, and everyone to revolve around her, in true narcissistic fashion. I respect that they have their own priorities and plans that may be different from mine. cmag - I don't think it is always the direct relative that makes the decision. I believe, ideally, in a marriage, both partners should agree on what they are to do - meaning really agree and be happy about it. There is a book by Willard Harley called "Love Busters" which deals with ( among other things) independent behaviour by one spouse. It has really opened my eyes. However, I recognise this is not an ideal world.
I have found over the years that traditions are made and sometimes left behind, and new ones made, as people and circumstances change. Hope everyone has the holidays they want.

The sad reality, sharynmarie, is that in dealing with inlaws the direct relative must be the one who stands up to them, but too are so co-dependent are not able until/if they find the strength to do so. It can be a very long journey waiting for that to take place if it does at all without the parent's death.

Austin - you weren't dumb.... just naive. You got married, and it was expected of you to do it. If your mother did all the cooking, then maybe you just assumed that that was the way it's suppose to be. My older sister did all the cooking too. She has recently got tired of doing it. So she stopped (except Thanksgiving because she just loves turkey, the stuffing and the cranberry sauce - the whole enchilada!) Unfortunately, when she stopped cooking everything (xmas, etc..), the family stopped coming. They were her outlet from a very perfectionist, nagging husband! When she got married, her husband expected them to do all the cooking. Now, she does all the cooking and he's "absent" from the scene.

I know I resented cooking every holiday for the MIL even though I worked all day most holidays and went home and did the whole meal myself-she never cooked a holiday meal after we got married-why was I so dumb and let others dictate my life-dumb dumb.

Cmag~Thank you for confirming what I felt all these years. I do love my in-laws but they were very intrusive. It is better now since my mil passed away and I wish I had had a better relationship with her, I know she loved me in her own way. :=))

Parents and in-laws who see themselves as lords of the universe and expect to be bowed down to by their adult/married children are intrusive, do not respect the boundaries of marriage and do not believe the verse in the Bible that speaks of leaving and cleaving despite how active in church they might be. Their parents were probably that way with them.

Joan~My in-laws see themselves as the Patriarch and Matriarch of the family, meaning that you do things their way even though you are married. I guess I should have been more respectful and did dinners every other year at home so it was not a major disruption for them. They could have the kids anytime they wanted, they expected me to bring the kids to them. All this was during the time I was very depressed, taking antidepressants/therapy. Hugs!!