The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

margeaux - looking back I see that you asked about Toonie and me, and I missed it. Yes, we hibernate together. The winter is hard here Minus 2 right now and it will go down into the minus 30s. i want to move south!!!

envision, yogibear and kdwildflower -sorry I missed you., I have been down with some bad fibromyalgia, Sounds like you all have dysfunctions to deal with. No one should have to put up with abuse,
envision, I agree with austin about calling a social worker to make a plan to get your sis out of your houses I am glad you set a firm limit about how she treats your dog - you can also set a limit about how she treats you.
yogi -I read somewhere that you were going to look into reporting the rape you suffered - did you ever do that?
kd - the meanness must be hard on you. Setting boundaries is good - walking away from any mean talk - you dont have to stay and take it`, Nor do you HAVE to look after your mil. You could check with the agency of aging, and social services to find other resources for her. Your ex and his mum sound like quite a pair!

Everyone -be sure to look after yourselves - dont let others abuse you!
(((((hugs)))))) Joan

((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))) Glad if I can help. Do come back and let us know how you are doing. You are walking a very difficult path. Don't underestimate how it affects you, and feel free to come back and unload. Living with someone who is mentally ill is extremely stressful, especially when you have been exposed to it for a lifetime. I have gone to counselling/therapy off and on during my life, and would recommend it. I am going right now, in fact. Life can get better - one way or another!

Joan - Thank You Thank You Thank You. (DMS was a typo - ha). Whew I didn't think I could write so much - it just all gets so bottled up for so long. I will definitely check out the sources to read you mentioned. Thank you again for the encouragement - Rebecca

Sounds like a plan, cmag. Can you get a ramp for the back stairs?

(((((((Godsgirl))))))) not sure what DSM means unless you are looking for a diagnosis for your mum, but I get the rest of your post. It does sound like your mum has a personality disorder/narcissism. I think you can communicate just fine, but she cannot receive/process it normally. You are doing a great job of looking after her, but she is not appreciating it. With a narcissist, you can never do enough, she will suck the life out of you. There are always criticisms, complaints and sometimes outbursts. There is a thread here about a gal - Lisa (Survived2) who took her mother in for two years, and it was a disaster. Her abusive mum (labelled the DQ - drama queen) is now in assisted living, and Lisa has little to do with her. There is a thread, and you may want to take the time to read it, and see how you can extricate yourself. Your mum may not be quite as bad as Lisa's, but defintely bad enough for you to do something about placing her elsewhere. Here is a link to the beginning of that thread. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/Cant-care-for-mean-and-hateful-mother-anymore-150326.htm
What happened was that Lisa contacted local agencies - aging and social services, told them about the abuse, and got their help to place her mother. Her husband and family were very supportive of her. There is a website I will recommend to you, too, but can't (they don't allow it) post the link here. Google "daughters of narcissistic mothers" and you will find much helpful information.
You are being emotionally abused by her, and no one should live like that. If she does not have the financial resources for assisted living, medicaid can be applied for. I doubt you will get any sense discussing it with her. I have found with my mum -(borderline personality disorder and narcissism) that I just have to tell her what my limits are. I can do certain things, I cannot or will not do other things. She gets mad, bad mouths me to relatives etc, sucks in my sister to heap on more abuse- whatever. I stick to my guns. I would never take her in, as I know she would ruin my life - like you nothing is ever enough, and she has absolutely no interest, or appreciation of my needs or limits.
I hope your husband would be supportive of arranging a move for your mum. You probably are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have PTSD from childhood, and started getting flashbacks a year or two ago, when my mum's demands escalated, and I live in another city. My mum is 100, in an ALF, and in pretty good health. I am 75, recovering from systemic candiasis, and have fibromyalgia, and decided I simply have to draw very firm boundaries, as I can't have her ruining trhe rest of my life, and health. be careful - your health can suffer. I am entitled to some peace, and so are you. Can you stand living like this for another 4 years? What will it do to your health? If you just want to come and vent, that is OK. too. We will listen and be supportive. Detaching - emotional distancing helps. You have to accept how your mum is, expect the bad behaviour and know that you didn't make her as she is, and you can't fix her. Sick people manipulate others through FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. It is good to get a handle on this and not respond to any of those. There is a good book with a workbook "Stop Walking on Eggshells Taking your Life back..." by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger that would likely be helpful in learning how to handle your relationship with your mum, but I would still recommend that she live elsewhere. If you suggest it, she will no doubt get and and "pitch a fit", but that is her choice and her problem. Don't let it be yours. They will bully if you let them.
Please, for your own sake, do something to protect yourself from more abuse. You deserve better. More ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Joan

DSM: That's exactly how I feel. I wish We had put mom in assisted living or a nursing home 4 years ago instead of buying a bigger house so she could live with us. Mom is 80 years old & She doesnt have the sense God gave a grasshopper, and never has. And it doesnt matter how much you do for her it is never enough. Mom is a bottomless pit of need and trys to suck the life right out me. I work full time and manage every detail of mom's financial needs so she has zero responsibilities except to take care of herself while I'm at work. I've been upset for 2 days since she screamed at me when I asked her to stop locking me out of the house. She called me a bitch and said all I ever do is bitch. This is pretty funny because it's just not true. She will even follow the housekeeper around telling her every little twisted lie she can think of and talks ugly about me & my hubby. What I do is try and make sure her every need is provided and to keep her safe. I could write a book and probably should. But I feel I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I can not communicate with my mother - even when I try and just have a conversation about the weather, the dog, a tv show it doesn't matter, she is either totally goofy or hateful. She whistles all the time - drives me nuts. My husband has more patience for her than I do. We have to clean up her messes when we get home everyday. And if i say, hey you wanta go clean your mess up you left in the kitchen? She'll go nuts and start screaming. Then sometimes she'll act all pitiful and sweet and call me "baby girl" and "sweetheart" which is pretty funny knowing the next minute or the next day I'll be called a bitch again.

I doubt that an ambulance would bring her home since this operation is taking place in another city 45 minutes away. The side steps would not work either because they lead into a screened in porch and does not have any railing and there is not enough room for a 10 foot ramp.

Back door is sliding glass door off of deck with three steps that are wider than the front brick steps. The rails on the back steps are narrower and thus easier to hold onto. We are going to experiment with the back steps soon to see if that works. Going to have to slide the breakfast table to the side so that hopefully she has enough room to crutch past it after going through the sliding glass door.

Front door and back door too? That is a problem. Would an ambulance take her home and bring her in on a stretcher?

Bad news. I contacted the mobility people here and our steps are too steep for a temporary ramp and we don't need a permanent ramp. I don't know what to do now other than ask the doctor to right up an order for my wife to go into rehab for 2 weeks.

H Sharynmarie,
Yes, I think it is weird that the married couple would keep this to themselves.
My niece although is somewhat emotionally distant at times. Even though I'm her God mother from Baptism, we really do not have a super close relationship. Of course you can imagine my sister totally had her hand in that.
The news about the pregnancy is a different story, I agree with you. But anyway
my sister I feel it's another attempt at putting me in the middle of things, that honestly don't concern me at all.
My sister isn't really the bounce off type of person, either. If she says something to me, I usually feel it's in a crisis or she uses poor judgement as in this case.
Thank you for your input. Much Love, Margeaux

margeaux - i appreciate that you are put into an uncomfortable position by your sister. Can you tell her that you don't want to be informed about things that have to be kept secret? That you will wait for your god-daughter/niece to tell you her personal stuff when she is ready to. Until then, you don't want to hear it. I found with my sis I have to be quite direct, and then she gets it better. Family secrets are another control/dysfunctional thing. ((((((hugs))))) Joan

Margeaux~That is unusual that the bride and groom would not want to share their happy news of their marriage. I understand keeping the pregnancy under wraps until after the third month, many people do that for different reasons. You know your sister best and all I can do is speculate that maybe she is excited about the news but just can't keep it to herself so she tells you knowing you will not say anything. It could be part of her need to control whereby she just won't keep a confidence and tells someone anyway. Does your sister turn to you to bounce things off of when she is struggling with something? That's my 2 cents worth hope it helps. Hugs to you today!!

Hi all - been having more fibromyalgia flareups bringing some bad pain. Trying to figure out what triggers it. The cold weather is one thing, It looks like sugar is another, not that I eat much of it, Found several places on the internet where people say that sugar triggers the pain, G likes desserts. I made a banana cake with raspberry sauce and a topping, and then had some, and I am paying for it. His cholesterol is a bit high so I need to make healthier desserts anyway - better for both of us. Seems worse now combined with the cold weather. Not much I can do about the weather except move south, and we need to talk about that. It is in the long term plan, but when???

sharyn sounds like you had a great holiday, cmag sounds like you didn't, Glad you have found a ramp for you front steps. margeaux - yours was OK I guess - the usual sis control issues
austin - was your OK, and lildeb
gabby - sounds like you and ur mum had a good time. re those who do not help, i am not sure they will ever regret it. They probably had distorted views, and think things are right just as they are. This is how my sis is - not only should I be the one to help mother, but, if she could get me to, she would have me helping her too!. Like my mother, she wants servants.
disturbed - hi - I have a physical issue from birth too, and what I picked up as a child was that it was to be hidden - not healthy!
book - sounds like you related well to that nephew. Hope your health is holding out.

Here mother emailed in a panic that she was being evaluated, and was afraid that she would be put into a nursing home. I asked her who was doing the evaluation, for what purpose, and told her to contact her doctor who ordered home care, I got no answers, but she called a friend who came over, and was supportive and that seems to be what was needed. Someone will come over to do another evaluation next week, but they are not government people, she says, so she is not worried now, I told her to have them contact me, but she didn't respond to that, so not much I can do. She says her health is the same, that she hasn't deteriorated, so she should be OK where she is with home care 4x a day. I suspect the evaluation is by home care, to see if she needs them as much, but I really don't know. The lady friend who came over is younger and competent, so hopefully she can help if it is needed, as I do not have enough information. I also told mother that there are other places with levels of care that she could move to if she needs more care than they can give her where she is. She knows that, but will resist moving, However, think it is wise to remind her, as one day she may need such a place. In addition, I told her when she writes things like telling me she never wants to see me again, it strains the relationship, and she shouldn't be surprised that i don't answer for a while, and keeping things pleasant would be better.

Hope everyone has a good day! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Joan

Something has been bothering me. I've written about what a control freak my sister is. Well last year when burial plans were being made for our aunt there was so much going on. In the midst of this, one day she called me. She said, "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but my daughter and her boyfriend had a date at the county courthouse, and were getting married the next afternoon. The only people to be there were my sister, my niece's dad, and her sister. I was of course very happy to hear this, since my niece and her guy had been together already for 4 years, and they had recently had their first baby about 2 mos. prior before. My sister also said something to me like, "don't let my daughter know that you know about this, blah di blah." Well, almost a year has passed, and there has never been any mention made, like a formal announcement of their marriage to the rest of the family, so we can congratulate them. So I've yet to congratulate my niece on account of this fact. But this makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable. There's more.......About a week ago, again my sister calls to tell me another one of these. She informed me that at a recent dinner, the same niece is pregnant with their second child, due in May. This is also a secret for now, since the couple doesn't want to make the announcement until the three month period has passed. O.K., I realize that it is really should be up to my niece to make the announcements whenever is she sees it is appropriate. But why does my sister tell me these things. I so dislike being put in this position, of knowing something as such, but being asked to feign the unknown. This niece is my God daughter also. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
I'm so happy for you that your dinner was a success.
So it sounds as if your mom and sis are cooperating also. I sure hope so, since I know with all the recent hills you've had to climb on that end, it's good to have a break from some of it. Well, enjoy the rest of the visit with your daughter, and a big Happy Birthday to her. Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~We had a great dinner and it was a nice visit for my mom and sister with my daughter. We went out to breakfast this morning with our daughter and son-in-law and will do so again tomorrow...they leave for home tomorrow. I worked today, not off until Wednesday and tomorrow is our daughter's birthday so breakfast will be a celebration of the joy she has given us and continues to give to us!!

Thanks! We have four steps at the front door. I will look into finding some aluminum ramps. I googled mobility ramps and discovered that we have a mobility equipment dealer in town. My wife will be able to move on crutches, but without being able to put any weight on the left leg where the out-patient arthroscopic knee surgery will be done. They expect her to be on crutches in the house or in the transport chair we have rented for about 2 weeks after surgery.

A friend of mine purchased aluminium ramps from Lowes, they are different sizes and price ranges.

Cmag, don't know much about your situation, but portable ramps are very easy to find at Mobility equipment dealers. Depended on how many steps you have if they are a realistic solution...if it's 4-5 steps up, the ramp would have to be quite long. Good idea to try around calling. Places that sell wheelchair accessible vans usually have the whole gamut of mobility supplies. I know this because I use a manual wheelchair, and had a Rollater walker before due to a disability...and have only one step at my place and now have a metal ramp.

ah, I see, I was only responding to the recent post. Well, guess this child needs a little 'miss manners' book for a gift?!

Cmag - I tried to think of something but just can't imagine how you can get her on the steps. Temporary,portable ramp is not possible. If she's going to be in so much pain and unable to move - and you're unable to go up the stairs, the only think I can think of - ask if any friends/family can temporary have you all live with them until 2 weeks after her surgery. Or rent a decent room that you locals know that is cheap but safe - for 2 weeks after surgery? The alternate option is have her in a gurney, and you and your boys together carry her up the stairs? Sorry...never had experience on this.

Hi, drank some extra expresso coffee today to make sure that I stayed awake during the drive home during which my wife said that her left knee no longer hurt like it did when she injured it and she now wants to try a walker without her knee brace because the crutches are causing her right side and right hand (both of which were hurt in falling down the front steps). We shall see how this works. The main this is to do what we can to make sure that right foot is in good shape before the surgery on her left knee on December 6th. We still have not figured out how she is going to get up the front steps of our house after her surgery that day. I'm going to call around to various home health care places and see if they have an idea. Anyone here have an idea?

Sharynmarie,
I guess that was Friday you cooked your Thanksgiving? I didn't log in last night,
was rather exhausted from Thanksgiving. Well I'm sure everything came out real yummy!
Every year at mom's my sister makes so much food. My sister in law, her daughter, another niece and me bring side dishes. I always give my sister the option, that I could bring something more of the main dish, but there again she's controlling the show, on that end I've thrown the towel in. But usually we get sent home with one of those big square aluminum pans filled with just about everything. So last night I made brown rice, (fav. of mine), w/left over turkey,
and vegetables and a nice salad.
WOW, your boss sounds terrible! Shame on her spreading such negativity, and of all days, the fact that you were there on a day of thanks. Ungrateful person!!
I hope she calms down, for your sake.
How are mother and your sister doing? Well I hope you, and your own family had a wonderful dinner, and with someone like you, how could they not!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

p.s. " Have you seen Emjo around these parts?"

Hi Disgusted,
My brother's grand daughter is the first grandchild in that household.
She has been living at my brother's house, since his daughter had her very young, is unmarried and at first the boyfriend was out of the picture, now he's in., which is good. The kid has 3 uncles, who also live in that household. So between all of them they completely spoil her. She interacts, talks and I have seen her emotionally connect with them, and has friends. So my description of her was not of the nature that she's completely quiet, or completely in emotional disconnect mode within her own family. Even my brother's sons and daughter, they're nice people, but when it comes to manners, social skills they rank pretty low on the totem pole. Some people just do not find it valuable to teach their children, grandchildren some basic concepts about something as easy as saying hello. I guess I use the measure I was brought up with since our dad trained us at a very early age to do this. Of course, I remember going to family functions and getting tired of the drill in the car by dad instructing all of us that we were to give everyone a hug and kiss, as soon as we arrived. If dad ever got the vibe we weren't following through, he would come over and remind us again. So I got the picture. This is training, that every parent hopefully does, or their kids become socially disabled. But the girl's own mother, is real out to lunch also. She brought her 5 mo. old, sniveling w/some kind of flu bug to mom's on Thanksgiving. There's plenty of social dysfunction in that household. I also made this comment towards my brother, because he is a big grandstander in our family. He once was the POA for mother, but it got taken away, because he's irresponsible and also was the golden child of both mom and dad. So you see, even this child's grand father, because he was favored, from the siblings, so I suspect this has something to do with why my brother doesn't take note, to his clan's behavior.
My brother has an enormous ego, but honestly he hasn't been much of a disciplinarian. He behaves way more as our mother did, when we were kids.
Thank you for your input Disgusted. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, that is sooooo funny! I hope you don't mind that I put it in my FUNNY-AC file? Thanks!

We had a good Thanksgiving dinner today...my mom, sis, daughter and son-in-law. It's been 2 years since my mom and sis have seen my daughter so it was a nice visit for them. Of course my daughter noticed a big change in mom, mostly she noticed that mom had aged considerably. I told her Alzheimer's does that too, I hate this disease.
After dinner we sat around talking about the things parents tell their kids to avoid a big explanation to the question the child asked. My son-in-law told us when he was little, he was riding in the truck with his dad and he noticed his dad didn't have his foot on the gas pedal. He asked his dad how the truck was moving when he wasn't using the gas. His dad told him there was a little a man in the engine running on a wheel, Lol!! My sil said the next day he crawled under the truck with a flashlight looking for the little man and his dad came out and saw what he was doing. We had a good laugh about that, other stories too but that one was a classic!!

Hi disgusted. When I read Margeaux's description of the 8 yr old niece, I thought of my 8 year old nephew. He has ... AHD or something...the one where they are hyper and can't sit still or concentrate on one thing too long. He was very quiet. Wouldn't talk and would play video games all day. I would call out, "Hi Miah!" and he would walk right be without looking at me or acknowledging me at all. Irritated me so much. This happened for years. Then just this year, he was walking outside his home, and I called out (live next door), "Hi Miah!" And this time, I kept calling it until he stopped, looked at me, and then said, "Hi Aunty!" After that, when I see him, I call out to him and he responds back. And if he sees me first from his 2nd floor apartment, he will call down to me, "Hi Aunty!" and I will greet him enthusiastically. He used to be on drugs for his A-H-D something. But his mom quit giving him because he was like a zombie. But, his mom explained to me that he can only concentrate on one thing at a time. He cannot multi-task at all. When he does one thing, he concentrates 100% on it, and blocks out everything else. So, now, I don't get irritated any more.

Hi Margeaux, I'm new here...nice to meet you all:-)

wanted to say that the little 8 yr old girl may have some sort of disability like the Autism spectrum, or Asperger's. That kind of behavior is quite standard w/ kids with this kind of diagnosis. Often even in families, siblings keep this a secret from other family members. I have a physical, mobility disability, had from birth. My family NEVER discussed it , which was super weird. I would hope her parents would at least get this dealt with at the school, with testing, etc, some good medical info, if she hasn't been tested already.

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Margeaux, I laid down this morning some, but never actually fell asleep. I have had both of my nuvigil wake up pills for the day, but still feel tired or maybe my depression is returning. Yes, I will be glad to go home tomorrow and get this 3 1/2 drvie behind me. Our boys are having to leave today because of their college homework over the Thanksgiving break. Our youngest is still asleep after driving 8 + hours from where he attends college on Tuesday and riding up here for 3 1/2 hours, not to mention the homework that he has also. It normally takes two good nights of sleep to make up for staying up late one night. Thus, I will probably have much more energy for driving in the am. We will not leave here until probably after lunch.

Cmagnum,
How are you doing? Really sorry about the greasy turkey on top of everything else you've been, on top of lately! My brother made one of those deep fried turkeys, that many people make today. It was nothing from the other world in terms of taste.
Please try to get some kind of rest before hitting the road for your trip back.
You have made it through this holiday, but I'm sure you'll be more than happy to arrive at your home. O.K., my friend be safe, I'm thinking about you, Much Love,
Margeaux