The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmagnum,I have never heard of renting a ramp but hey, if it works it works. I just try to find the small positive things to help lift me up n it works sometimes. For instances, Your wife knee is squeaky clean n it's less painful for her. Thanks to having good neighbors, you have a whole awesome already cooked meal n it sounds very tasty too. Sorry your wife is not up to that but give her some time n she be back eating again. Some of those frozen items like mac/ cheese by Stouffers is really good. I will microwave a hotdog weenie n slice it up n mixed those two together n it makes a whole meal for me. It is okay to feel a little down n let things go a bit for you have a lot on your plate. You are only human so breath n see if u can find some small things r positive around you n see if it helps.

Here is an update on me and my wife. The adding the post operation pain pill to the mixture of meds (some of which are for pain already) has meant some extra sleep and some dizziness. The arthroscopic surgery did not find anything extra that was damaged about her knee. So they just cleaned things up in there which has meant the knee does feel better apart from the fact it was just operated early Thursday morning. The ramp that we rented worked great for wheeling her in and out of the house that day. Unlike other surgeries she has had, this time the nausea was bad like it has been before. She's been getting up and about like they want her to with a walker, but today has tried some to walk without it. A neighbor brought us some oyster stew, steamed shrimp, crab legs, and corn on the cobb from a big cookout party that he had going today. That was very nice, but my wife is not ready for solid food yet and even the oyster stew was pushing the limits a bit. I was very glad to get out of the house this afternoon to go buy groceries. I'm doing fine, but I've gone three days now and forgotten my mid day meds. I find myself wanting to eat quick snack food instead of fixing one of those frozen meals that I bought for this experience. I've been trying to not let my depression rule me and get things done despite feeling depressed, but it is tough. I've not read anymore in this book about ways to keep your depression from keeping you from getting things done.

I researched it too and what I found is that there is a slight risk of an explosion...right conditions. Better to err on the side of safety.

Ha! I seemed to have forwarded a Debunked information according to Snopes. So, don't thank me for sending it..However, I Will side on the Precaution! You just never know that you might be the One Exception to the Rule!!! =)

Thanks for info Book!!

lildeb.... thanks for your post. Yes, I have thought MANY times about why I am doing this... taking care of 'gran' / maggie. lol. There are a few reasons... one is that I know for a fact there is no one else to do it and her son that died a year ago had drained all of her assets, so she has no money to go to a home (as far as I can tell, unless there are gov. agencies, and they would treat her bad! ) I know she lived a tough life being married to an alcoholic/abuser and I want her to have some peaceful, happy last years with the love she never got. Next is my faith has given me a peace about doing it, and really I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be even though it is dang hard at times!! You are right about the boundaries, and I have been reading books and things online about learning how to do that and stick to it. I have been doing that and it does make a big difference in my stress level. And I used to make sure she didn't feel like anyone was 'against' her, so when she said things that were hateful or untrue (usually about my kids or her son, or me) I would just smile and let her talk. Now, I kindly state my opinion, or the truth and allow her to have her opinion. That has helped a lot. I also have a schedule put in place recently which is very helpful!!! Before, I would let her talk (sometimes it takes an hour or two to have what should be a 15 minute conversation because she can't get her thoughts out very well.) until she wanted to stop and it could be literally hours. Now I 'guide' the conversations and am much more productive physically and mentally. Thanks so much for being out there in cyber world to listen and to encourage and give advice. Did I tell ya'll that I have gotten a referral from her dr. to get to a neurologist? That should be happening in a couple of weeks. :)

I know that it's been a while since I dropped by. Been having a bit of a problem this past week. A client of ours emailed this to us. I thought you all might find it useful with regards to fuelling your car at the gas station.....

KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN THOSE 'REALLY IMPORTANT' PHONE CALLS COME IN!!

Warning From Shell Oil Company
Please send this information to ALL your family & friends, especially those who have kids in the car with them while pumping gas. If this were to happen, they may not be able to get the children out in time.

MUST READ, EVEN IF YOU DON'T OWN A CAR.

Safety Alert!
Here are some reasons why we don't allow cell phones in operating areas, propylene oxide handling and storage area, propane, gas and diesel refueling areas.

The Shell Oil Company recently issued a warning after three incidents in which mobile phones (cell phones) ignited fumes during fueling operations

In the first case, the phone was placed on the car's trunk lid during fueling; it rang and the ensuing fire destroyed the car and the gasoline pump.

In the second, an individual suffered severe burns to their face when fumes ignited as they answered a call while refueling their car!

And in the third, an individual suffered burns to the thigh and groin as fumes ignited when the phone, which was in their pocket, rang while they were fueling their car.

You should know that: Mobile Phones can ignite fuel or fumes

Mobile phones that light up when switched on or when they ring release enough energy to provide a spark for ignition

Mobile phones should not be used in filling stations, or when fueling lawn mowers, boat, etc.

Mobile phones should not be used, or should be turned off, around other materials that generate flammable or explosive fumes or dust, (I.e., solvents, chemicals, gases, grain dust, etc...)

TO sum it up, here are the Four Rules for Safe Refueling:

1) Turn off engine
2) Don't smoke
3) Don't use your cell phone - leave it inside the vehicle or turn it off
4) Don't re-enter your vehicle during fueling.

Bob Renkes of Petroleum Equipment Institute is working on a campaign to try and make people aware of fires as a resul t of 'static electricity' at gas pumps. His company has researched 150 cases of these fires.

His results were very surprising:

1) Out of 150 cases, almost all of them were women.

2) Almost all cases involved the person getting back in their vehicle while the nozzle was still pumping gas. When finished, they went back to pull the nozzle out and the fire started, as a result of static.

3) Most had on rubber-soled shoes.

4) Most men never get back in their vehicle until completely finished. This is why they are seldom involved in these types of fires.

5) Don't ever use cell phones when pumping gas

6) It is the vapors that come out of the gas that cause the fire, when connected with static charges.

7) There were 29 fires where the vehicle was re-entered and the nozzle was touched during refueling from a variety of makes and models. Some resulted in extensive damage to the vehicle, to the station, and to the customer.

8) Seventeen fires occurred before, during or immediately after the gas cap was removed and before fueling began.

Mr. Renkes stresses to NEVER get back into your vehicle while filling it with gas.
If you absolutely HAVE to get in your vehicle while the gas is pumping, make sure you get out, close the door TOUCHING THE METAL, before you ever pull the nozzle out. This way the static from your body will be discharged before you ever remove the nozzle.
As I mentioned earlier, The Petroleum Equipment Institute, along with several other companies now, are really trying to make the public aware of this danger.

I ask you to please send this information to ALL your family and friends, especially those who have kids in the car with them while pumping gas. If this were to happen to them, they may not be able to get the children out in time. Thanks for passing this along.

Thank you, Envisionnow; sometimes it is difficult for people ...those on the outside of my situation to see that I am trying and battling on all fronts. My husband is a blessing for me in that we have remain faithful and he knows I am not alkie and I still have some bad vices but they are not consistent or true. I been having trouble sleeping wondering what I am going to do for xmas for the kids since all my money has to go the bills and my school loans. My landlord likes to think he can rob people on disability which I hate and I do not know if anyone read that article on yahoo about the teen that died in a nursing home after being removed from her mother's care and she is disabled herself. It makes me wonder if that is their hidden agenda and my son may have possible adhd so I have to get referral for him. My biggest prayer and new yrs wishes are to have CPS off my case and second job in place to secure the means to move to a better location in AZ. I am beginning to enjoy this life and knowing that how the challenges can make us stronger or bring us down we figure how to do the battle and fight the battles we can carry our own jedi powers and keeping that nasty gollum off our backs believe that will be the holiday tradition of watching Lotr trilogy btw does anyone knoow how I can get the full set of star wars found and added to my amazon digital lbrary been looking for it so i can buy it and that is my dysfunctional holiday tradition marathon of star wars and the christmas story followed by go to bed but this new yrs eve kids are gonna stay up until midnight to ring in 2013.

For those of you who struggle thru the holidays with other expectations as well as your own, there is a great article on this site about expectations during the holidays, reducing the caregivers stress level so she/he can enjoy the holidays with family as well. It is worth reading especially for those caregivers who continue to provide all the desired wishes for others in creating a heartfelt holiday setting while running ragged from home to everywhere else.

burnedncaringst, WOW, it sounds like your world is spinning out of control. I hope and pray that you will be able to let CPS know that you will be very willing to take any help that they can provide i.e, counseling, parenting classes, whatever services that will help you and your family. I grew up in an abusive home too, and I went to a wonderful church, Calvery Chapel, and learned how to forgive. I loved my Mom more than anything in the world, but I learned how to forgive her for staying in a situation that was abusive for all of us. It is Battered Women's Syndrome, I hope you will Google it, and read about how it affected your Mom and your family. I know for me understanding why things happened the way they did helped me to forgive and love with all my heart. Also, I went to years of counseling, it took awhile to find the right counseler, but it was worth it. I still deal with a lot of issues, but now I have some good coping skills that help. God Bless you and I pray that you allow people to help you through this most difficut time in your life. Love & Hugs to you, Teresa

kdwildflower, Sorry the holiday did not go too well. Why would u in the first place even help with the Ex of anything or anyone? You have to look at why his he your ex? Then ask yourself, why am I helping him? You did say your one sister calls n checks on your so, not everyone in the family treat you bad. Tried to look at that a positive as possible. It is their own fault if they cannot appreciate a good person when they see one. Brush them off except that one sister n go on n live your life for you deserve better than being used. I agree with Magnum, that you need to set some boundaries n stick to them. Good luck n keep us posted on how YOU r doing.
Sharyn, I see you have those days like me sometimes. At least you get to leave. Next time mom calls ya, maybe consider giving her time to look for the stuff that she loss so you won't waste any of your time n gas. Looks like you had to go back anyway to balance the checkbook. It was funny about the dog n her in the seat. gotta luv it.
Everyone take care of yourself.

Cmag, saying a prayer for you n sorry your wife n dad r not doing as well. I can see why u have the 'man-cave.' I kinda of wish I had one but a woman-cave. Today was horrible with the mnl. ah!!! trying to get her to take a bath for its been a wk n one day since last one. Plus, she hasn't washed that hair over a month. She is capable of doing it herself n walks just fine too. It is just the arguing with her to get it done. You can only use that leave - in shampoo for so many times before that nasty ass scalp needs washing. Maybe I should consider shaving her head bald then she won't have to wash the nasty crap! Just joking everyone, for I never would do that to her. But it was funny for the moment.

God,s girl I am happy you took steps to make your life better and got the help you needed-ggod for you and now in tern you will be an example to others here and be able to point others in the way to change what they need to to make their lives better.

GodsGirl~I am so happy you have found such a wonderful place for your mother! It sounds like a win win situation. Without knowing your mother's health history or your relationship with her, I am still happy for you because your mother will be taken care of, have opportunities to socialize with other's her own age while you continue to advocate and visit, and you and your hubby can reconnect with your marriage and life. Blessings to you and your mother!!

The past four years my mom has been living with hubby & me. Many many many times I vented and asked advise through these discussions. Well I am proud to announce I finally grew a backbone and placed mom in a retirement community today!!!! I know we still have a long road ahead but I actually have my home back and peace on earth. I always thought we couldn't afford a retirement home that we would have to wait until she needed a nursing home but I finally sucked it up and used the referral services from this web site and it worked! They matched me with a senior care team in my area - and within just a few days we were able to move mom to a nice place only 10 miles away. Since dad served durning World War II - mom has access to vet funds, plus her social security, plus hubby is willing to kick in and help make up the diff. Is that sweet or what? I think mom is going to love her new home - we totally surprised her after everything was signed and her room was furnished and all she needed was her clothes. We told her we were going for a visit to a retirement home so she could get the care and attention she deserved. It worked. Wish I could show you a pic - it is beautiful. So many amenities we should all be so blessed. We left her without the car - because they provided transportation to doc visits, drug stores, wal mart. - sweet. Plus my office is just down the road. They even have a beauty shop, weekly housekeeping with linens & towels provided. She doesn't have to cook - they have chefs on staff cooking homemade meals 3 times a day in the beautiful dinning room. Lots of activities and they even have a beauty shop, mail service, and security systems. Mom said it seemed like a place where someone could grow old without feeling useless! Bam - home run. I have lots of work remaining cleaning out all that she has hoarded in her rooms here at the house - I just have to keep chipping away at it. And I have to find a way to make her understand how to budget her "spending" money - thinking of a weekly envelope system?
Me & Hubby did the Happy Dance Tonight!!!! Woo Hoo. Plus my Cowboys won so I'm looking forward to a great week. Thank You all for listening & for all your advise & encouragement getting me to this point.

hi all,

I had talk with my dad about things going on here and he tells me to get rid of the liquor ...like i was being accused of being wasted every night..totally false which is why I made the speech I did on the other thread. It hurt me to think that even my other friend made such statement. I grew up with 2 abusive fathers with verbal attacks and physical punishment ...guess what they both drank while my mother as much as i have forgiven her for the past just let the abuse happen to her and us kids. The only person that never experienced what we went thru was my half sister who I barely know except that she is somewhere in california. I apologize to my twin not to long ago..i found out her fourth has aspergers and she is on bedrest with her 5th pregnancy at her age given she has a heart murmur and everything else. I now see how i develop my anxiety disorder and back pain is not helping much..tonight i got to get hubby cleaned up soon he has appt on dec 6th to see the cardiologist. I haven't change but with all that I am dealing with is unbelieveable..I been dealing with CPS ...claiming that i am neglecting my kids...personally it's all bogus but now they want me to do this or that ..or they will remove our kids...I have done nothing wrong and they are going based on a report from indpls that is over 5 yrs old and harassing me so i am in the process of fighting them with my own wits and complaints. I do anything and will die for my kids to protect them...they do not know that i would take a bullet or worse for them because that is the way I am.

Austin, yes, my "Man Cave" provides me an escape from everything else. This has been one very long year of my wife having one physical ailment after another and we have only attended church once or twice this year which is not normal for us.

My dad had a 3 hour psychological evaluation last week and is sure that he failed it, but will not hear the results for two weeks. He is now using a walker out of fear of falling and he told me tonight that his wife's mind is declining quickly plus she does not have much longer to live with her pulmonary fibrosis.

My mother remains the same and just might outlive us all as my dad claims, but who knows.

While I listen, I don't think I respond as much like I did at one time for either someone has already made a great response or I don't have the energy for it or it hits so close to home that I just might say something very blunt which is not my usual style. I'm glad to have started this thread back in January of this year and see how many people it has helped! I'm glad for this whole site which I think joined back in 2010, left and then came back again.

Love, prayers, and hugs for all.

kdwildflower, I'm so sorry for your painful experience on Thanksgiving. If I were you, I don't think that I'd ever go back. Set some boundaries and inform people how you will and will not tolerate being treated plus come up with some concrete consequences for when those boundaries are broken. Easier said than done, but it does help.

Shary thank you for the printout about emotional abuse -wish I had that years ago to help explain to our Pastor why I needed to get a divorce - he had about 97 % of the traits-that was after CPS got after him for physical abuse-that was great for you to share -all social workers should see that. Cmag -it sounds like you really have a rough life and you are so willing to listen to our problems and concerns-I hope your man cave gives you some relief from life in general. kdwild-did you learn something from your TD from hell -like learning to detatch yourself from those toxic people-I sure hope you have thought about what you will not tolerate from others-Dr Phil says in his books we teach others how to treat us and I am working on that with someone in my life right nowand we sure can learn from each other in our AC family-I have been away from AC threads that I follow-my computer was down and sure am glad to have it back.

how am I doing today? bad. Since Thanksgiving - when I made my ex mil's thanksgiving dinner, for her, my ex and my children. She decided to lash out at me before I went home and told me she didn't need me. So I have stayed away. My ex keeps asking me to come over and help her like I usuallly do, but I am SO TIRED of this treatment. My own family disowned me when i divorced an abusive man..(long story) except for one sister. she called me a few days ago to tell me that my father had died. I'm not really sad about that too much, but I'm very depressed about the fact that everyone in my life tends to treat me sooo bad and take advantage of me. I hope this passes. thanks for listening

Margeaux~Thank you, I appreciate your comment.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. It must have been an unexpected event from what you posted and that makes it more of a loss! I am happy to hear that you didn't play into your sister's game. I know what you mean about being people pleaser. I struggle with that too. I work on keeping a distance as well.
Today I took my mom and her dog to the vet. The dog has an on going infection that they say can be corrected by surgery but mom doesn't want to spend the money. It was quite comical watching my mom get in the car with her dog. The dog wants to be glued to mom's hip hogging the seat and mom is trying to decide whether to shut the car door or buckle her seat belt while the dog is wrapping the leash around her legs and mom's seat belt!!, Lol. Anyway got that done, took mom to the bank so she could withdraw cash (she prefers to pay cash cuz it can't be traced like a check...her paranoia). I took her back home and everything was fine. Then she calls me 30 minutes later, her checkbook register shows she is overdrawn and she can't find her other keys. So off I go back to her house, when I get there she has found the keys, Lol!! I took her checkbook register with me and spent the afternoon going thru that. I found some minor subtraction errors plus she hadn't added in her SS deposit and a monthly deposit from Met Life. I ended up fudging some #'s along with the deposits she hadn't added in and balanced it with what the bank shows her balance is minus the withdrawal today. When my sister takes over her finances all she can do is go by what the bank shows and go from there. It's been a Falalalala day, Lol!! Wishing everyone a good day and a better tomorrow!! Hugs to All!!

Margeaux, thanks for the compliment, but I'd attribute it more to how my mother wired me as her only child which has often led me to ignore my own thoughts and feelings about things, plus not say them, as well as not take that good of care of myself. Basically, I did not have an identity or feelings apart from mom early on and I had quite a battle getting my freedom which also took therapy to get free of.

I went to my man cave tonight to work on the family Christmas letter, but also to take a break which meant I stayed out there longer than it really took to work on the letter and print a rough draft out on the color printer. I'm trying my best to not left my wife get me to do things that she can do for herself. Like, yes she can only get around with her walker, but I don't have to be the meds dispenser at med times. No, she can do that. I have my own meds and schedule to keep up with. We are getting a ramp to go on the backyard steps leading to our deck the day before her surgery and will rent it for about two weeks. She's supposed to get around using her crutches for two weeks before starting PT on both feet so to speak. It is tough getting up and down stairs even with a railing and having to use crutches. I am more than ready for her to get mobile again.

Basically, my day goes like this. Get up late in the am, hand her her medicine bottles which we keep in a big bag, then go fix breakfast for the two of us, then she takes a shower after which I help dry her off, get dressed and put a brace on each foot, then do something like wash clothes-empty or fill the dishwasher-or take her to a doctor's appointment, etc. either get a take out for us to eat as lunch or fix it myself, but if breakfast is real late, we too often skip lunch and have an early supper which I fix after which there is always something for me to do.

For example, part of my to do list for today was to put away the Thanksgiving decorations in the house and out of the yard and begin putting up the Christmas decorations, plus maybe get a tree which will be much shorter this year. All of this was on today's agenda since there was not a doctor's appointment, but various other things distracted my attention in that direction.

There are not any doctor's appointments tomorrow, so I can get to that then. However, I do find that when I drive her out of town to see some doctors like I did yesterday and we spend most of the day out, the next day I don't have as much energy. Well, I am tired for ever since her mental health failed back in 1998 and she started being hospitalized in 2000 which are not as frequent as they once were and her mental health is better than it was, I've been doing a lot of caretaking of my wife not to mention having to fill in for her with raising two boys when she was in really bad shape mentally.

Well, I've vented a plenty tonight which I tend to do from time to time when I'm full of it like now. Well, supper is over and I'm going to work more on the photos for the Christmas letter and then escape to my 'man cave'!!!!!!! It would probably be better if I walked the dog, but that remains to be done for I don't always feel up to it and it is getting cold now.

Sharynmarie,
We may at times misread the posts. Sometimes when I've been catching up I end up reading to many and I get all mixed up. Well I don't think you are ever off the mark. I think this is all part of ourselves too, and learning to be way more discerning with the behaviors of our relatives. I definitely know for myself, it's learning to say NO, not just to them but also to some old patterns and behaviors about myself. I'm trying to be more aware of not being such a people pleaser, which I've been!! This isn't getting it anymore for me.
But anyway I always welcome your comments and ideas, they are valuable!
Much Love, Margeaux

Well I have had a busy last few days. The day before TG, a cousin of mine called.
Since she rarely calls me, and for the hour it was, I thought she was going to give me some bad news about her elderly mother. But much to my surprise she informed me that her older sister had died the day before. The deceased cousin was a rather estranged member of the family. Apparently from the few details her sister shared, she had a non-alcoholic type of cirrhosis of the liver. Catholics take two days to bury their deceased. So my husband and me drove a distance to the wake. Next morning I awoke at a very early hour to drive to my cousins and meet up w/her. We then rode together to the church for a Mass and then the burial.
This is my same cousin I had made the ride out with during the summer to our cousin's gathering, and with whom my sister is having issues with.
So my cousin and her daughter told me that the night of the wake, my sister snubbed them; acted as if she didn't see them. Since I live a real drive to where all services were held, my cousin had originally invited me to come stay the night, this way I wouldn't have especially the morning drive to the mass in early morning rush hour traffic. But then my husband decided to go the night before to the wake, so that put a monkey wrench into that plan. I must admit, that also since there's this unspoken tension between my cousin and sister, I felt somewhat stressed whether to tell my sister that I was going to spend the night and go w/cousin. So thank you Sharymarie, for the article about all the red flags and abusive behavior. My sister has tons of them. After I thought long and hard, I decided I would go w/my cousin, and that I wasn't going to make a big issue out of it, e.g., tell my sister about it, etc. Besides if I do this, it feels as if I'm guilty of WHAT?, or I'm asking for my sis's overbearing permission. Well, we all saw one another cousin, me, sis at all the service. At first, I sensed form sis that she was behaving somewhat distanced, even towards me. But I didn't play into it at all!!
We all met up at the deceased's sister's home after for a reception. I felt for our cousin and especially their mom. Later, my sister arrived w/our mom, and our elderly aunt was so happy to see her. Mother has been having some awake days. I can't remember if I'd written she had something like this on TG. On these days, of course she isn't in sleep mode as usual. She reverts some how to her old self, not as withdrawn. But she would hug the cousins, remember some names, and forget others. Again as prior to TG, she's also been remembering her deceased sister-the narcissist, and informing people of her death as if it were only a week ago. I'm happy about this and the fact that she's fessing up to it instead of keeping her feelings bottled up.
Anyway, I did have a good chance to talk with my cousin, and we shared feelings about my sister. Of course I do filter what I share w/my cousin about any real feelings my sister has shared with me. I don't want to add fuel to any possible fire.
However in speaking with my cousin I got some info. about my sister's daughters and how they've behaved in front of her with respect to mom. More insight!!
But I did tell my cousin, also that I basically try to keep some kind of neutrality with people. Life is just that way, via circumstances we do have to interact, be somewhat civil. Oh!!!!! I'm really trying to work on this. But anyway I'm glad I made my own decision to do this, and it wasn't dictated by my sister's control vibe!! HAAH!! Margeaux

Cmagnum,
Well what can be said is you are still a wonderful man, and I don't know how you deal with you wife. I hope somewhere deep down, she appreciates all that you do for her. About she being exhausted after deciding to take the trip, one can't have it both ways many times, and this is one of them.
I sure hopes she gets better soon on the end w/she being mobile. Definitely I hope also, that you can get some rest for yourself, you certainly deserve it,
Maybe it's time for you to retreat back into the Man Cave! You and your's are in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmag~That is good news about your wife!!

Nine months ago I was transferred from the store I was hired at and they still don't have my paperwork done so my check stubs are still going to the Tracy store. Yesterday I talked with our new store manager, "Cecil can you please check into this for me...blah blah blah." My co-worker says, "Cecil, his name isn't Cecil, it's Cisco." I said, "I am so sorry Cisco..." Later I find out his name is not Cisco either, it's Sixto!!! We were all laughing because why would he want to help me when I can't get his name right, Lol!! Poor guy!! Come on, how many people have you met with the name Sixto??? Apparently it's the name of a Pope. I hope I didn't offend the manager, Lol!!

Kdwildflower - after the last temper tantrum mom had I can hardly stand to be in the same room with her and we aren't speaking. She did put up clean dishes and loaded the dishwasher yesterday which was a shock. So I know she is trying to act like nothing ever happened and she can continue her life of luxury. I can't say anything about her temper or try and talk to her about her behavior because I am spineless. I am a big fat chicken - I don't know how to talk to her because it doesn't change - either she acts like she understands or she will shut down and throw another temper fit. And from past experiences I know her temporary good behavior will soon be followed by acting like we never talked in the first place. She absolutely makes me miserable. Thank goodness i have a good job and have a lot more to focus on. Plus i have my grandchildren who love to come stay with me on weekends and i have the sweetest hardest working hubbie in the world. The whole family avoids her - and she is just so full of self pity she will go out of her way to feel justified. The happiest day of my life will be when she moves out of my home and I plan on trying everything I can to start that process. Mom has never in my whole life had any concept about money management. She gets her hair and nails done every week and goes to wal mart and eats out almost every day. Instead of doing laundry she just buys more crap and stuffs her clothes in piles with other crap. One day she'll fix up like the queen and the next day she looks like a hobo who doesn't have a dime to her name. She never helps at home - which is why we were shocked she did dishes. I hire a housekeeper to come in once a week because I refuse to clean up her part of the house & I can't stand the stinking filth. I'm gonna start meeting with social workers and see where we can place her because I am so tired of letting her make me miserable! I'll just take her cars away and like someone in an earlier thread told me and have her doctor to write a letter and get her license revoked. It will be worth every penny I have to get her out of my home. That may sound cruel and I'm sure she will hate it but I want my life back, I want my family to love being at home again. I'm sick of smelling her and her temper and listening to her constant whistling. And I'm sick of being spied on - she will actually hide in a dark corner of the house and spy on us watching tv and then tell me later what she did. It's creepy. I'm tired of having my privacy invaded and not having any limits with her. I have visited assisted living facilities in the past but didn't have the heart to place mom in one but now I have to choose between a nervous breakdown or puttin mom in a nursing/assisted living home.

Gods girl - omg - your situation sounds just like mine! I am just so tense, my brain can't put it into words very well! I'm taking some of the advice that was given to you, and see how it goes. I stayed away from my ex mil's house since Thursday, but will be going back tomorrow morning because no one will be there. I'm sure she will treat me like a queen tomorrow, but my heart is still heavy because I know the attack will come sooner or later. I too wonder if she is telling lies to other people about me?! especially the part about attacking her. that really hurts... oh well, maybe I'll touch base tomorrow after I get home. Thanks!

Hi, I actually have some good news tonight. Due to bruised knee bones from a fall on some stairs on a boat back in August, my wife's left leg has been in a brace and she's basically been in bed except for when she's needed to go somewhere using either her crutches and/or her wheel chair. Two weeks ago, she tried going up our narrow brick front steps using both crutches like she remembered doing in high school, but that turned into a fall that sprained her right foot along with injuring her right hand and side. Her orthopedic surgeon told her last Wednesday that she should walk on that right foot using her crutches. That Wednesday morning is was almost impossible for her to get to her shower chair, but after the doctor told her to walk on it anyhow she got right in there the next am. He also told her that unless she can walk using that right foot, that he will postpone the surgery. Well despite my protests, she insisted on making that trip over Thanksgiving which the doctor told her she could take and he told her to just use her crutches to get back and forth to the bathroom in our hotel room which she did. She paid quite a price of pain and exhaustion from that 3 1/2 hour ride up and back plus 2 nights in the hotel, but that was her choice to make that trip. Well, today she decided that she would try walking on that left foot with a walker instead of keep using the crutches. She did fine walking out of her bedroom, down the hall and back to bed. She had to move into our oldest's son's room for his bed is down lower than ours and thus easier for her to get in and out of since she is 4ft 10. Tonight was the first time she has actually walked on both legs and feet since August. She said it hurt a lot, but in August she could not walk on that leg at all. I will be so glad when she can walk once again!!! It is not made any easier by her having bipolar disorder like I do plus other mental health issues which has her on a ton of meds.

Here is some info I found on the net regarding emotional abuse. I hope it helps others and well as myself.

Emotional abuse is negative behaviors and attitudes. Some examples of emotional abuse are the following:

Humiliation and degradation
Discounting and negating
Domination and control
Judging and criticizing
Accusing and blaming
Trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations
Emotional distancing and the ‘silent treatment’
Isolation
Emotional abuse can also include more subtle forms of behavior such as:

Withholding of attention or affection
Disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior
Sulking and pouting
Projection and/or accusations
Subtle threats of abandonment (either physical or emotional)
I also want to give examples of abusive attitudes, please be aware if these are the attitudes of folks you know or are involved with:

Believing that others should do as they say
Not noticing how others feel
Not caring how others feel
Believing that everyone else is inferior to them
Believing that they are always right
Emotional abuse is considered by many to be the most painful form of violence and the most detrimental to self-esteem. This may because it last so long without any intervention or acknowledgement. It can slowly eat away at the person’s self-confidence and sense of self. Now I don’t want everyone reading this to start thinking they are being emotionally abused or the abuser, because that’s not true. We’ve all done this things from time to time, we’re human and fallible so some of these things we’ve had or loved ones have done but emotional abuse has a clear and consistent pattern. Even if it’s unconciously it has to have that clear and consistent pattern to be emotional abuse. I have a questionnaire from the book that will help you figure out if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is ‘inappropriate’? Do you feel you must ‘get permission’ before going somewhere or before making even the smallest of decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend, or does he attempt to control your spending (even though he has no problem spending on himself)?
Does your partner treat you as if you are ‘less than’ or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point of reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren’t as attractive as she is?
Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions and feelings?
Does your partner constantly belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?
Do you find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behavior and/or watching for your partner’s bad moods before bringing up a subject?
Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Do you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spent with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you’re still with him, even though you’ve complained to them many times about the way he treats you?
Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and with whom you will do it?
Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affection or sex if you don’t do things his way?
Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do things her way?
Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs even though it isn’t true?
Does your partner feel he or she is always right?
Does your partner seem impossible to please? Does she constantly complain to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?
Does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others
Does your partner blame you for his or her problems? For example, does he claim it is your fault he flies off the handle and starts screaming? Does he tell you he wouldn’t do it if you didn’t make him so mad? Are you to blame for her problem with compulsive overeating? Because she has a drinking problem? Does he blame you for not being able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming an actor (author, singer, musician, etc.)?
Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?
Does your partner’s personality seem to go through radical changes? Is she pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? does he become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Does she experience periods of extreme elation followed by periods of severe depression? Does his personality seem to change when he drinks alcohol?
Does your partner tease you, make fun of you, or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? When you complain, does he tell you it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive or don’t have a sense of humor?
Is your partner unable to laugh at herself? Is she extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of her or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when he is wrong? Does she make excuses for her behavior or tend blame others for her mistakes?
Does your partner constantly pressure you for sex or try to persuade yo to engage in sexual acts that you find disgusting? Has he ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with him or who will engage in the activities he is interested in?
If you answered yes to more than half of these questions, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. But yes to just a few can indicate you are in a emotionally abusive relationship. Once again, what characterizes a emotionally abusive relationship is consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating and condescending behavior. Emotional abuse has no gender, that’s why he/she were used in the questions, anyone can be abused or an abuser. NPD are emotional abusers but not all emotional abusers are NPD and NPD are over 70% male. Although most of the questions above seem like obvious abuse, you also have to remember that many emotoinal abusers are very subtle and manipulative and can and will abuse people without the person quite being able to catch on as I said before, they are masters of the gaslight. I would suggest again that if you think you’re being emotionally abused, you do some deep thought about your relationship. Emotional abusers can get help because many are abusing out of habit and may not be aware of what they are doing but it’s up to you. But I would certainly suggest that if you’ve been a relationship like this, you get the therapy you need to overcome the damage that comes along with this kind of abuse. I did this because now more than ever I think emotional abuse is rampant in all kinds of relationships but particularly in intimate relationships and people need to know they aren’t just overreacting, you may be actually getting abused. Since it’s not obvious all the time like physical or verbal, folks who are being abused or folks who care about the abused may downplay it to everyone’s detriment. This is a serious and prevalant form of abuse and needs to understood and acknowledged. Next week I’ll be talking more about NPD and patterns of abuse. I hope this has helped someone to get out a relationship like this or avoid it all together.

Margeaux~You are very right about your sister and after seeing your post I realized how off the mark I was. I admit I am still naive when dealing with people. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and end up being wrong in most cases. I am happy you know you sister enough to realize she is putting you in the middle of things which gives her control (at least in her mind). You are wise in understanding her ploy.

Joan~I still struggle with letting people abuse me in the sense that I don't always know if I am being abused or not. I know this sounds weird but my singles have been invalidated for so long that sometimes I just don't realize it. I tend to be literal and don't read between the lines well. Not on this thread, but on other threads, I have backed off because I am not sure if I have read the person right. I don't want to make a nuisance of myself by seeking support or info if I have gotten the feeling they think I am focusing on them. Wow...this is a major admission of my dysfunction!!
I am so sorry of your pain due to the fibromyalgia. I hope that Clay is continuing to recovery within the limits he is able.
Working extra hours cuz a pregnant co-worker is out with pneumonia so I am rescheduling some things such as taking my moms dog to the vet for a possible hernia exam. Mom is doing as best as she can and I seem to be able to work things out with her without difficulties lately so what works I continue to do with her.
Hope you all have a wonderful week!! Weather wise we are still in the high 60's during the day, tonight when I left work at 9pm it was hazy out so the annual fog is starting to make it's appearance, Lol!!