The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi TDB (TakeDeepBreaths), it sounds like you have to be on your toes with both parents. It's too bad that sis cannot help you more with the caregiving load. Yes, it sure is a learning experience. Mom had the dementia diagnosed 23 yrs ago. Dad just recently his senility is so obvious after his stroke last year. Mom did NOT touch her poop. Father is ... gungho into it. So, I wasn't expecting my reaction the first time I had to clean up his mess - all over the bed, his chest, his back, his legs...I came on here and was basically falling apart. It helped that several people confirmed that they too had the same reaction to what I now call "the poopy stage." Some were able to overcome their distaste while others still found it just as gross as the beginning. So, all I can say is, it's good to post what you'e going through and who knows? Maybe someone has a more economical or shortcut way of doing it. .... I like how you're now Not Enabling your parents. =)

Welcome Take Deep Breaths!

Welcome Take Deep Breaths good to have you aboard.

Wow! Seems like a great thread already! :-)
Sounds like you have quite the challenge on your hands, Bookworm. I dread the days to come if they include changing the pampers. Luckily I live about 5 hours away from my parents and I hope I'll be able to keep it that way. I have seven sibs, but I am the medical POA and the one with the life science background so I'm the medical contact and am rapidly becoming the caregiver by default. There is one sister who lives near my folks but she is not in a place in her life (emotionally, physically, etc) where she can help much. That's okay (for now). At least I know she's there and she is willing to check on them as needed.
My 77 year old mother was in the hospital last week with pancreatitis and congestive heart failure as the primary diagnoses. Yes......related to diabetes and alcohol abuse as well as an opportunistic upper respiratory infection. And, you can probably pretty easily see the picture. My dad ended up with pneumonia but at least we got him to a doc and on meds while I was there helping out. He has emphysema and is 82. It's not super severe but of course all of this takes its toll.

Today is a better day for me now that I've found these forums. I've pulled out my tool kit and already got to practice not enabling. woo hoooo!!! Yeah, she was mad at me when I wouldn't get her a banana because that would help her disobey doctors' instructions. Told I would get her some protein but I was not going to enable her. Yup. She got mad. Fine. Go for it!! At least then my dad got to be the good cop for a little bit. I'm sure we'll trade off good cop and bad cop.
The stress and sadness for me is losing my mother this way since she is not the person she once was and I know she will continue to deteriorate and I can do nothing to stop it. I can't fix it, but I can sure not be part of helping it progress. I know I'm at the beginning of a very long road and so I am so glad to have found all of you. :-)

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, welcome TakeDeepBreathes. I don't know why I seem to be getting these flashback memories of the past on this specific thread discussion. It's like it's all coming out from where it's been hidden deep inside me. I'm sorry guys for going on and on. It's like these memories swell up and wants to be exposed. Sigh...I'm really not sentimental or emotional. Several of you say that I'm healing and that's why I'm beginning to Feel Emotions. I've been in Survival Mode for so long, I forgot what Emotions are....been crying a lot, too...which I'm told is also a sign of healing. I'm just soooo not used to all these emotions. I hope the anger/hatred from childhood does not also well up. So far, so good with the current ones. I can't comment long. It's now morning and father has Definitely Touched His Poop! I soooo dread the changing of pampers. Gotta go! I will try to write after work, but...lately, I'm soooooo tired. Last night, I posted only 1 time at YOU at 830pm, and I was sleeping while typing and almost fell off the chair. The tiredness is hitting me more and more. Worried that I was going to faint at work. I need a break from the parents.... Later!

Welcome to the thread TakeDeepBreaths...you will find great support here from everyone as well as fun to break the seriousness up!! I hope we hear more from you, have a great day!!

Just saw this topic and had to start following. I'm new to the group but sounds like I'll be in the "Land of Nod" (where everyone nods in affirming recognition of others' stories). Pulling out my 12 step tool box and prepping myself for the long road ahead. It'll take me some time to read all the great info that everyone has shared, but I'm glad there is so much out there and so many willing to share.
Thank you!!!

Good Morning Emjo,

What a beautiful picture of that sunrise, the colors are very soothing.
The friend I was talking about is not my neighbor. This is a friend I used to hang out with during my single days, some time ago. You are so right about the balance, if someone is going to tell one some bad news. I mean we all may have periods when it cannot be helped, and a friend, relative may tell you some kind of sad/bad news, but this friend for the past mos., has become obsessed w/her own stuff. She's also a very restless, impatient individual and always going outside to look for something. Given her recent health issues, IMO, she ought to just stay home and regroup a bit. The last phone call had to do with, she drove something like 50 miles, (she lives out in the desert) on a Sat. night out w/a girlfriend to some place, that sounded from her description like some bar/dive, to hear some music.
She parked her car in back of a bldg., and from her description not a good spot for a woman alone to park her car. Well, some crazy guy just about assaulted her, and she had to call the police. She was stuck in her car, while this guy was pounding on her window. The guy had left the parking area, he was parking his car in that area she was in before police arrived. Anyway, the police showed up, escorted her into the bar, until her friend who showed up late, arrived. The plot thickens.......While she was waiting for her friend, she saw the guy was in the bar, dancing with a woman. Everything was o.k., after she met her girlfriend. But she still had to drive home 50 miles or more to get home. This story is on the back of several very high blood pressure stories just as recently, as a month ago. So, you see why on the one hand I totally dislike hearing this kind of thing such as an assault happening to anyone. But my friend is in her 50's, & I feel sometimes she doesn't use any common sense. You wouldn't get me to drive somewhere on a Sat. night, just to go hear some band play, especially if I'd had those kind of recent health issues. Anyway, this is why I had to stop and start applying the brakes w/this friend. She wanted to come before Christmas, this would of course mean she spends the night (of which I do not mind). But given that I know if I have her over here all she'll probably talk about is this recent event and other things in the same vein-NO THANK YOU!!
It's going to be 12/21/12, and right now and even to the New Year, I feel as if one must do everything in their power to take measures and be as positive as we can. I don't think the world is going to end, but things aren't going to be the same at least not for me. Hopeful and good energy for everyone to tap into is available if they want it, of course.
One can see all around us just how negative aspects of society seem to be surfacing all over the world right now. So at least w/in our inner circles w/the people we interact with more often I'm really trying to discipline myself at this.
A work in progress!! You hit the nail on the head too Emjo, when you wrote about being accustomed to being in dysfunction. This definitely applies to my friend.

Well I really hope for you that this move your mom has made will also be positive for you Emjo.

I was tempted to make a few tamales. I've made them before from scratch, and they are work. My neighbor, who is Dutch has her family flying in from N.Y.
So I may buy some ingredients; she expressed to me she wanted to learn how to make them. If I make any w/chicken or beef, these require more prep.
There's the green chile and cheese variety that aren't as time intensive, nor are the sweet ones. So I'm going to check my energy level and go with that. I was wondering whether you'd made the chutney, still haven't made that. Which thread is it that you and Sharyn are discussing Latkes, now that's a possibility; it's part of my husband's background. We forgot to get Hannukah candles this year, and it made me a bit sad as we do it every year. There was too much going on. Thank you Emjo, for the love, you and yours are in my thoughts!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

book - that is some family you have. Glad you finally stood up to them. Playing in the sand must have been fun. I would have been in the water! The "joy of buying gifts" -nice
sharyn - a grandbaby nay be on the way one of these days -great! I slept on the cold hard ground a couple of years ago when G took me camping in the mountains and the inflatable mattress didn't inflate. lol. I hadn't done that in years and years, but have many good memories of camping.

My parents weren't into tents, but my grandfather had a cabin in Northern Ontario, and we went there most summers, as did the cousins. We fished, canoed, swam etc. Many good memories, some of the best of my childhood. We had to get water from a spring, split wood for the stove, we picked wild blueberries, had porcupines on the roof, field mice here and there ( no worries of hanta virus then) large grass snakes, rabbits once in a while, and large grass snakes.

The best of Christmas memories for me was waking up with my filled stocking at the end of the bed. One year my father opened a walnut, removed the nut, put in a little ring and sealed it again. He was thoughtful with gifts. It was a great surprise. We always got books and clothing, and read Chrustmas morning I have one good memory from very young. My parents decorated the tree on the 24th while we were napping. then we were dressed up and allowed to come down and see it. It was magical to a preschooler. Norwegians (my mother) celebrate on the 24th, so we had a big meal then and our presents, which impressed our friends. My father read the story if the birth of Jesus every year -good memory too, Christmas eve was ham etc, and Christmas day was turkey in the British tradition (my father). I carried that on with my kids except they only got one present on Christmas eve, and the rest the next day, but I did ham, and then turkey, but lately not on the day, but when we could get together.

Nice hearing about how others spent Christmas, though, book, I don't like the way your relatives used you and your family. Your poor mum baking all those pies to get their approval, which never came.

We camped in a tent, slept on the cold hard ground...it was great!! One of the best experiences I had was the summer after my junior year in high school. A couple friends and I took an ecology class that included 4 backpacking trips in the Sierra's. It was a life changing summer for me!!

Sharyn, your memories of the holidays are camping. We never did that. The closest we had of "going nature" was the beach. Other than that, it was in a house.

Ours was the beach. Funny thing is...nobody really went into the water! I just remember us kids competing on who can build the best sand castle, with the deepest moat. Then adding water into it. We would find little crab-like animals with shells on top, and put it in the middle of our castle. I think most of our games were competing with our cousins. We showed no mercy! =)

Thank you Lildeb and Joan!! No I don't think my son will make it down, he has to be back at work on the 26th. This will be the first Christmas without both our kids. I ordered gifts online and had them sent to my kids. Usually we get them gift cards but this year I decided to get them something more personal. My daughter decided to make all her gifts for everyone and she has had so much pleasure doing it!! Things change when our children grow up, get married and start their own families. I just never expected my kids to move so far away from home. I have worked hard to develop my own interests such as photography, crafting and I have grandchildren to look forward to. My daughter and son-in-law are talking seriously of starting a family sometime next year!!!
Book~Those memories have a strong pull on our hearts and sitting down and remembering the fun times can bring on the tears but it also warm our soul. I treasure those memories with my family of origin and I must admit, talking about with all of you has sparked my desire to get the tree up and decorated on Tuesday when I'm off again. I also cherish our family vacations camping in the mountains. It was during the holidays and camping that my family came together and we had so much fun. Us kids could be "kids". I know this is why I love the mountains and outdoors so much. It is when I am in the mountains or the outdoors that I can relate to God and the wonder of it all.
Cmag~ Great news about your wife. Each day will bring about more mobility and independence for her and you.
Have great tomorrow everyone!!

Emjo--our xmas memories were exciting as children. As we got to teen years... My father was the only breadwinner with a wife and 8 kids. We got hand me downs from mom's family. We were the "poor" family of mom's side. They were quite the snob. They didn't like the man she married, and their feelings carried down to her children. Mom was a homemaker - in everything. She can garden, sew, cook, bake, etc... Father abused her, abused the boys, and us girls have no childhood memories. Sorry....getting distracted here with Memories....

Any our mom wanted so badly for acceptance with her siblings. Even as young ones, we saw the difference of how they treated each other and how they treated mom. How they treated each other's children and how they treated us. But, as kids we loved xmas because our presents will be NEW. Every xmas - we all meet at grandma/grandpa's house. We ate and took pictures - immediate family photos, then grandkids photos, then grown ups photos, etc... I remember looking forward to it. When I reached teenage years, I saw how they treated mom. Dad - I understood. But mom? Poor mom, even though we couldn't afford it, she would bake several large cakes and several different pies. We kids helped her. She would spend all night baking just to bring these desserts on xmas day. Mom had 5 siblings here. So, when we made her famous cheesecake pies (she had her very own recipes) and tutti frutti pies (own recipes) - she had to make 5 extra for each of her siblings to take home PLUS some pies for the xmas table. I remember having to beg mom to leave at least 1 pie for home. We go to grandma's and poor mom just sits there. Everyone ignores her. When it came to clean up time, it was, "Hey, Girl, come and do this or that." I and my sisters were the "Hey, Girl." We go to other parties every year but they don't even take the time to remember our names. I hated this. My siblings and I end up doing all the cleaning work. When I got old enough to put my foot down, I debated a long time: present vs. pride. Pride is important because our cousins were seeing how we were treated. And they too started treating us like dirt. Like one little cousin told us in that superior tone of voice: "I'm rich and you are poor!" She was ordering me to do something and I turned around and said no. So, one xmas day, I told the parents that I didn't want to go. When I spoke up, my younger sisters spoke up too. Mom and dad did go. But after that, they too stopped going.

Mom is still bedridden, and her siblings don't visit at all. It's been years since they came to visit. I still don't like them. Their mouth is very bad. At grandma's rosary, one aunty ORDERED me to say the rosary for the next night. I said no. She again Ordered that I Will Do It. I was getting soooo angry. My siblings stood there and kept quiet - torn between obedience to our elder and my increasing temper. I finally looked at Aunty and said that I am Not Catholic! That was the last time I ever attended a Catholic rosary. I went out of respect of grandma being mom's mother. But, the only good xmas memories I have is as small child who didn't see how we were treated. Xmas at home was better but not as exciting as gifts as Grandma's. But, I can still remember the joy of anticipating xmas just don't like to remember the reality of it. From age 19-23, I found more joy in buying the gifts. It was such a challenge to find a personal gift for each recipient. The more unique the gift, the better. That was my favorite part of xmas.

Sorry, didn't mean to rain down on anyone's xmas memories. Although we didn't have the love, hugs, encouragements like most of you do, I still have fond memories of the good ones that I have. There's always a silver lining in any sad stories. You just have to remember it and pull it out among the sad ones. HUGS!!!

sharyn (((((hugs))))) re Christmas memories and your dad's death. Will you see your son at Christmas?
cmag - wonderful news. Glad your wife is more mobile and feeling up to doing things. The more she can do for herself, the better.
lildeb how are you and yours, and how will Christmas be for you this year?
book ((((((hugs)))) re the memories

Cmag, I'm glad about your wife. She has more independence and you have less load to carry on your shoulder.
Sharyn, I know what you mean about past xmas memories.

Cmagnum, that is such awesome great news with your wife n its just good to hear wonderful news from others.

Sharynmarie, sorry about you losing your dad around a holiday time. He sounded like a great n friendly man. I know it cannot be easy when u cannot be with him physically. Yet you can keep him within your heart n I hope you are able to find some peace within your heart during this holiday season.

Changing the subject, I have some wonderful news to share tonight! After months since August of not being able to walk up or down stairs without assistance and basically a week after her arthroscopic knee surgery my wife decided to try and was successful at walking down and up the stairs to our house today on her own. She continues to walk using a walker, but that will go away in time. This means, we can return the portable toilet to the church, the rented transport chair to the pharmacy, and the ramp we rented to the mobility people this week! She even feels up to trying to attend church in the morning.

book - It is tragic. Everyone involved will never be the same

cmag - I haven't heard of a Blue Christmas service, but it sounds like a good idea. I am OK now, but need to be pretty quiet, which I will be. My daughter, to my surprise, has invited us and a few others to her house on the 28th for supper. We will go, and from there head off south for dinner theatre on the 29th and back home the next day. Gary's dil (oldest son) will be induced this week so they will have a new baby as well as a 2 yr old, and will not, I am sure, be hosting the usual big Christmas. His oldest daughter will be induced just before Christmas and will be in hospital for Christmas, so I guess he will go down there, and connect up with whoever he can. I know he will want to see his new grandbabies. I would love to see them too, but that isn't on the books - just a matter of prayer. Talk about dysfunctional families!!!! Oh, well. The "good news" is that mother has given me the number of her lady friend from whom I can find out about the move she is planning. Mother said there will be 6 "clients" in one house. I can't see mother getting along with 6 other people, under the same roof, but not my problem.
Love hugs and prayers - Joan

I am still choked up about the shooting too. I find it difficult to talk about it without breaking down. This shooting has hit me harder than the others maybe because it involved so many small children. My son sounds similar to your Gordie Joan. He is such a kid at heart and it is always so much fun when he is here. It must be hard for him since he can't celebrate it with his wife...that is the choice he made. Anyway Christmas is difficult because my dad passed away (9 years this year) on Dec. 27. He made Christmas so filled with memories from our childhood because he too was a kid at heart. Within all the chaos and abuse, Christmas was a time we enjoyed each other as a family. A lot of memories and feelings from those times. Gotta get back to work!!

emjo, rather recently some churches have started having a "Blue Christmas" service for those who find this time of year difficult to celebrate. Some are called "the longest night" service. I could see this being very helpful for many.

One of the small victim, Emilie Parker, age 6. Her father came to the camera to talk about her. She was a loving child. When she thought you needed something special, she would make a card for you. I chuckled on one of the father's description of little Emilie. He said that she was "always willing to try new things - except food." She was a typical loving child. I was feeding mom as I watched this. Felt tears come to my eyes. It is sooooo sad.

One parent said that their little child did not understand the situation. The child told them that there were children sleeping on the floor. It's just .... so tragic...

I'm with you sharyn, and cmag. For me, tt is not about the decorations, or getting exhausted, or broke buying, decorating etc. That being said, doing something special to celebrate the season and the reason for the season is good. Book, you do very well buying for all your relatives. I have greatly simplified what I do. I think it is natural after the kids grow up and move away. For me, holidays have been was really affected by Gordie's death. He was the one who had more fun than anyone else at Christmas. I did stockings for everyone until he died ( the kids had all come back home for a while). Every little thing was a joy to him. After that, I just couldn't for a while. Finally I made a very small tree - about 3 ft - from a frame and garland, put on small lights, some silk roses and bows, and I store it from one Christmas to another, so setting it up is very simple. I have a large artificial tree in the living room that was mother's, and put small lights and a star in it, and that is about all. It is enough for the grandkids, and us to enjoy something a little special. A fire in the fireplace and lit candles help create the atmosphere. Other than to the two youngest grandchildren, I give money for gifts, and no one seems to object. It keeps my life simple. Gary and I do a few gifts for one another. He likes wrapping -go figure.

I am still reeling about the shooting at the elementary school. The thought of what those little ones went through, and what those left, the families, friends and colleagues are, and will go through is too much. My heart goes out to them. This Christmas will be very hard for them. Prayers for all affected.

Cmag~I think I am going to follow your thinking by limiting the amount of decorations this year. Simple is best and it's not about the decorations.

Book~Thank you for the great ideas!! I like playing Christmas music while decorating the tree. That is the kids and I would do, we made it a special activity. I kept all the Christmas decorations my kids made when they were little and we put them on the tree.

Nice brainstorming bookworm!

I can sure understand how overwhelming it feels to have all of the Christmas decorations to land in one person's lap.

Last year with my poor energy level, it was March before all of the Christmas and winter decorations were put away. Then, we still had both boys home for Christmas which will not be true this year. However, it was our first year of not having both at home after Christmas.

As usual, we will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with SIL and MIL at SIL's house. So, I announced several weeks ago that given my energy level and my wife being laid up with a bad knee, that this year's tree would be half as tall as before and only the minimum of what we put out as decorations are going to be put out for several reasons of which one is that I am the one who has to get it all brought into the house from the barn and who puts it all back in the barn. Also, if we are not having anyone here for Christmas but just us in our little empty nest, then why knock myself out. The last time I did that, SIL and MIL came to our house for Christmas back in 2010.

So, this year we have downsized and simplified which is fine. The tree is only 5 ft instead of 8 which made it much easier and less time consuming to put the lights and decorations up, but it still took me several days to do just that. I would recommend to anyone looking to simplify decorating to get a smaller tree. The wreaths are on the doors and the outside nativity scene was put in the front yard Friday afternoon.

However, as far as making every room in the house look like Christmas and placing the electric candles in the window, no. Too much!

Due to finances, we also had to downsize on our Christmas presents for people. Too often in the past, the money from my dad and others would give us often helped complete paying for how much we spent on presents. Something sort of circular about that.

Anyhow, for me and my household less is better and spending within our budget is better. We understand that as our boys get closer to finishing college that they will be more and more independent like the one who has a winter internship for the whole winter break in DC. Furthermore, all of the glitter and hurry of the season can overshadow the heart of what to me Christmas is all about. That in itself gives me the Christmas spirit more than other things do. Anyhow, for me growing up Christmas was always at one parent's house or the other which was part of the divorce settlement plan.

We are still adjusting to the empty nest syndrome.

Love, prayers, and hugs to all as each of us seeks the Christmas spirit within the context of our individual situations!

Sharyn, it's hard to get into the Holiday spirit if there's no one there to share it with. I don't celebrate xmas since I was age 23. But from what I remembered before that, I didn't have the money for a xmas tree. But I so loved to buy presents. I would go to flea markets and buy all these little trinkets specifically for each recipient's interest. My SIL still have several of these gifts. I asked her if she was willing to give it back to me because it's so pretty or very unique trinket. She said No. I was content with the process of buying and watching them open up their presents. Fave sis was the opposite. Hers had to be a family affair - the setting of the tree, the wrapping of the presents, etc...But in either cases, we were in the spirit because we knew we would all get together at xmas to enjoy each other's company.

So, it's understandable why you're not in the Holiday spirit. Your kids won't be home for xmas. Hubby is not interested in a "we" will set up the tree. So, it all rests on you. I guess even turning on a xmas cd and blasting it loud won't motivate you to decorate? Why don't you do a New Tradition now that your kids are grown up? Why don't you try to think of getting a unique xmas tree decoration for each of your kids? Every year, you will get another New decoration. For example, if one of your kids love cooking (but may be terrible at it or great at it), get an item that has to do with cooking (or make one with a burned pan)? Grandchild into little league baseball? Get something along that theme. Now, each year, your xmas tree will Not be so Impersonal. You will be decorating it with items that represent something of each of your loved one. Wouldn't that be something to look forward to? And maybe hubby might be interested to see what you come up each year.

Just a thought. Brainstorming, here to help you get into the xmas mood. HUGS!!!

I am having trouble getting into the Christmas mode such as getting my house decorated. Part of the reason is because my kids won't be here, another part is because my husband has never shown much interest or participated in decorating the tree. It seems like so much effort to put up the tree and decorate only to take it all down again in 2 weeks. What happened to my excitement over the the holidays?

Suffering often takes place either because of our sins or the sins of others. God does not predestine people to sin against other people and cause suffering. Often anger leads to hate; hate leads to blind rage; rage leads to murder; and murder leads to suffering like it did King Herod slaughtering the Bethlehem infants after the birth of Jesus.

I am already hearing in the news what sounds like an attempt to blame today's massacre on mental illness which plays right into societies erroneous stigma that people with a mental illness are more prone to violence which is not true. Murder is a sin. Evil is real. You shall not murder is one of the 10 commandments. What he did was sinful regardless of him having a mental illness or not.

My first thought when I found out that it was the son who did the killing of his mother and all those kids...with mom used to be a stay-at-home mother...my first thoughts was if he was a mama's boy and he didn't like that she is now a teacher and sharing all that love to all those kids. Why else go after the kids? He was focusing on killing as much kids as he can - look at all those who died. He wasn't just out to kill his mother...he had anger/resentment on those kids. And then, I thought that maybe it could be the other way around. Maybe he didn't get the love that he now sees his mother giving to her students? Anger/resentment rears up, and he reacts to it. You know, on all the interviews, the kids did NOT know that was gunfire. It was just loud bangs. The kids were walking the hallway without panicking because they didn't recognize that they were in danger. 2 boys were calmly walking and (only found out later) bullets were flying by them. A teacher opened the classroom door and grabbed them and pulled them in the room. Kids in the gym didn't know it was gunfires - just a long of bangs. Until the police opened the gym door and ordered them out. Those kids just didn't know what was happening.