The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmagnum,

What happened, I proofed, and made my corrections, but didn't delete one too many easiers. Also some way. Margeaux

Cmagnum,

I'm glad for you that your mom assigned both the DPOA, and MPOA to you.
This wrought havoc upon our family the last few years.
My sister was assigned DPOA of both mom and mom's sister.
She only had MPOA, of mom, She being the sibling living w/mom (in mom's home), aunt also lived there until she died. But it became a living night mare, towards the end of the narcissist aunt's life, and of course ours.
Since my aunt maintained control about decisions re: her health, made endless appointments last year, w/her various doctors. She suffered from congestive heart failure, and diabetes. We know at the end, she probably had made many unnecessary appointments, also because she as you've described your MIL was very afraid of death. Our aunt was pseudo religious. Religious, just as a front in my opinion.
Major abusive behavior surfaced last few years w/her. Throughout much of this, since my sister called me with endless complaints about her, I didn't just want to be the sound board, but was trying to offer some kind of solutions/suggestions to make life easier for my sister. My aunt maintaining her own MPOA, was the one who decided to do Hospice at mom's home, with no input about this decision at all from my sister.

Well, I wish you the best with all of this and your wife.
I certainly hope the two sisters can keep some of the competitive drama to a minimum. But I understand this, to a degree, since this is some of what I have going w/my own sister. I have chosen though not to compete w/her, which I really have never done anyway. My sister also in the picture of mom's health....enjoys being very secretive; it feeds her control. So she can have that, but what it means also, is then I can only participate to a limited degree. This is too many mental hoops to jump through for me, thank you very much.

I certainly hope for your sake, that there's someway your wife will find the best way to deal with this issue, because it will make life easier for easier for you.
I hope she is continuing to recover her mobility, and I hope you are doing well.
Thank you for writing about this subject. I think also our legal system is so convoluted in these areas. Much Love & Light1 Margeaux

Well, I think my mother is playing in her house during the night. She has duel pane windows and one window is cracked on the inside pane only and now today she is having problems with both bathroom toilets. She says when she flushes one, the other over flows. How is that possible?? I think she is playing Johnny plumber in the night and messing things up then doesn't remember the next day. Anyway I am off to work shortly, hubby is working too so I called my brother. It's on going circus right now with all three rings running at mega speed, Lol!!

Thank you so much, sharynmarie, for your comments. It does help to know other people are dealing with similar situations.
Medicare does not cover long term care in a nursing home. It is basically Medicaid, overseen state by state. Unfortunately, someone in the family took large amounts of money from her and that may make her ineligible, or they may penalize her by not covering it for a certain number of months, as they consider that a "gift".
And I am the one left holding the "bag".
Yes, someday they may be in the same situation. I hope somebody does better by them than they have.
I will try to let my anger go as I know it only does me harm.
Thanks for your concern!

Bwolf and Camilla~Welcome to the thread! You are not alone and will get lots of support here. Come back to share/vent. Someone will always respond to help you out!!

Lovingmom~I hope you get the aid...does she have medicare? It's a tough situation when no one else is helping. Have you called the Area Agency on Aging? From what I understand they have many programs that can may be of help. It's worth calling them to find out.

As many others will tell you, their siblings don't/won't help either. and you can't force them. One way to look at it is that your siblings have the right to chose just like you do and if they chose not to help then try not to focus on their lack of help. Being consumed with anger towards them will only add to your stress and affect your health in the long run. Family's can let us down quite often and just not be there for us...it's their loss because some day the shoe may be on the other foot and the example they are setting for their children, will bite them in the butt. Hugs to you and let us know how things progress with getting the aid!!

I am in the middle of applying for aid for my mom to pay for nursing home care. Most of my siblings have abandoned me. I know they don't want to have to deal with it at all. My older sister helps some, but not enough and doesn't want the responsibility. I am extremely stressed over my mom's situation and getting her aid and what will happen if aid doesn't come through. It is taking a toll on my health and well-being and none of them care because it's not them. I am not only stressed but angry at them. What can I do?

Burned~Sorry for the troubles you are having with your childhood friends and calling the police. I hope it all settles down with you. You mentioned your job. Is this a job in addition to caregiving for your husband? Well, hang in there the best you can, sometimes that is all we can do at certain times. Hugs to you!!

Hi Burned, no one person's problem is NOT serious. We all have each of our own problems. Yours is just as important as anyone else's here. Just like my current problem that I'm dealing with ...I have stopped posting and just withdrawn into myself. Some things I have no problem posting online...and others, I'm too ashamed and just won't post here for all to see. It's just some inner struggles I'm having. I'm dealing. Just wanted to let you know burned that I have missed your postings. I have wondered what's up but....with so much happening, and how tired I am all the time, I no longer really reach out to much people as before. But I still stop by and read. At times, I get depress reading here, so I skip. Self preservation. Please don't compare your problems with those here. Vent and update us on your situation. HUGS!!!

wow quite a bit we are going through and my bout of serious stress to overkill is like someone in hiding. Sorry i need to learn to hold my tongue more but i thought ...nvm what i thought..i do hope we all get the help we need. good nite.

Margeaux~Thank you!! I know we have to find out where she is cognitively at this point so can make arrangements for her safety and well being. The thing that frustrates me with my sis is that she is not willing to give up any of her weekend time to come down here to be with mom for a couple hours.Then I start to feel guilty because I know her health is not good either. So I am back and forth feeling anger at her to cutting her slack because of her health. I think my mom knows that something is not right with herself but whether she ever uses the word Alzheimer's in her own internal dialogue I will never know. When she couldn't recognize a W2 form and only focused on it being from the state of California, it sent out those feelings of not being able to live in her house. She has some knowledge that she can't keep things together anymore...maybe it is a fleeting feeling that comes over her and then disappears as quickly...who knows. It was all I could do not to laugh yesterday when I told her I rescheduled the appt. with the cardiologist for Feb 8. So was trying to write it down, saying ok, it's on Jan. 28. I said no, Jan. 28 is when the glass company is coming out to replace the cracked window. The dr. appt. is Feb. 8. Then she would get it right and then she turn right around and say the dr. appt. was on Dec. 3rd. She is trying very hard to keep things under control but can't. I asked for Feb. 11 off because I know I will have a very emotional day if the dr. says she is incompetent. Helen just called me, she went over to mom's and picked up the tax info, W2 and other things. She said my mom couldn't give her the house address, she had to look it up. Prayers that mom is safe until we get all this settled. Many hugs and love to you and everyone!!

Sharynmarie,

It sounds as if what you are experiencing w/your mom at the moment isn't easy by any means. I remember while no one was yet living at mom's, this was before her diagnosis of the ALZ, was revealed to me and my three siblings. What we came to discover, was that she'd been diagnosed possibly a year prior, and was already taking some kind of anti-depressant. She and her narcissistic sister lived together.
In those days, mom physically was still the stronger of the two. My aunt had knowledge of our mom's condition, but they were keeping it from us. Mom was still driving back then, if you can believe it, which wasn't a good idea. I don't know if you remember a post awhile back in which I'd written about going there one day.
I found my aunt there at the house alone, and she told me my mom had gone close by, to get some milk. Well, my mom was gone for almost two hours, and I was on pins and needles waiting for her. By then, it was quite obvious mom, probably was disoriented, or lost. But anyway, my point being, that although, I understand your feelings about not wanting to hear about her condition, but really, it's better that you know not only for her safety, but also so you can start to pull some resources together for that time you will need more information to help you out. Believe me, I remember going over there to visit, and realizing mom's mental decline. They never seemed to have their answering machine hooked up, and working. So on one visit I set it up for her and my aunt. I then tried to give mom instructions about how to listen to messages. Of course I had to repeat it several times. In hindsight, after realizing she was well into having ALZ,
one day I thought about this. I felt bad about taking her through this answering machine lesson.
I could tell she was very confused. Later, it also occurred to me she was trying hard to feign that she was understanding the instructions given to her. This I know stressed my mom out, as I recall. We were so mad at her sister for not telling us, about mom's ALZ. But this too was the big dysfunction about the two sisters. I guess for my aunt, it was more important for her sister w/ALZ to still be available to her, as her caregiver & driver. Their attempt at control and independence.
Right after we found out mom was diagnosed w/ALZ, my sister had to have the discussion about taking the keys to the car away. This element of her sister's influence upon mother to make dangerous decisions, especially to still drive, had to come to a stop. We had to decide, "Well if it's upsetting two elderly stubborn women, vs. keeping them safe," we opted for the later.
I have gone through the grieving also. Although, mom has been a narcissist too,
she did have a personality. She could be funny, very sociable, always had great one liners. So given the change in her personality, (more withdrawn), I do miss that side of our mother. I have you in my thoughts big time, a good cry is good too.
Much Love & Lot's of Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

It's good to hear from you. Real happy to hear about your friend's progress after her surgery. That post about making it to 100 was funny! We had an aunt (grandmother's youngest sister) lived until 109 yrs old, passed in 2007. She was quite an amazing lady. One quality I remember about her is that she was always laughing, and making us laugh.

How is your mother doing these days?
O.K,, I hope you and yours are doing well. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have been caregiving for 6 plus years. Early dementia to mid dementia/alzheimers. Sweet women, 80's. No divorce in her family, but the family could not be more dusfunctional. Caregivers are seen as martyr's, and genuine concern...well let us say...thr=ey cannot get passed themselves. Went thru a real mess, oldests gave themselves POA didn't know what to do with it.
Kicked me out of the mother's building, by telling Senior abuse that I was abusive, went to court, where they thought it a good idea to get a GAL, had an investigation, mother failed to thrive when they put her in the nursing home, sold her building, now living in an apartment with their mother and her son (8 months), whole experience 7 uears in the making and they still do not get it,
They do not even get that they were abusive to the mother, as well as the caregiver, important thing, the Mom is doing well. In the end the Narcisstic's are just that, narcisstic, they come from anywhere and in the end, can only blame themselves, but of course, I can go to bed at night with a clear and clean conscience. Glad to find the blog, hugs when yo need them and prayers when you think you don't. Narcissism doesn't belong to a generation, it is their way of life and their slant on reality. Empower yourself by letting go, their strength comes from watching you suffer, thy manipulate just so secretly, they can laugh brhind your back, once your focus is yourself and your strength, a narcissis' has to move on for another victim, think vampires, emotional vampires. You need your strength, for the real job taking care of yourself while caregiving. Kindred Spirits, I wish you all well, above all else be kind to yourselves.

I don't think that most people really realize what being a caregiver is until they become one. I never gave being a caregiver much thought until I became one for my 91 yr. old mother. I am 56 yrs. young and have been there for my mother since my father passed away (16 yrs. ago). She had a TIA about 3 yrs. ago and came through it very well. But one day 2 yrs. ago, she was confused and I knew that something was wrong and she knew it too. I convinced her that I would have an ambulance come and get her to the hospital so that we could find out what was wrong. First of all, we found out that her kidneys were functioning at about 10% and we only had two options: she could either go on dialysis (which would just tire her out and it would be a "machine keeping her alive" which she never wanted that) or just go home and to quote her tending physician, "live out the rest of her life there." Second, we found out that the confusion was being caused by a urinary tract infection (that she didn't even know she had). She was in the hospital for about two weeks and it was pretty stressful for me. But, I would be there every day she was there and stayed over night in her room many times. After all, it's lonely when hardly anyone comes to see you (I knew that if my father was alive, her would be by her side every minute!). I had been in the hospital before to where no one came to see me except the tv!

My mother would have these "bouts" of confusion to where I would be "slightly" attacked verbally and some days almost brought to tears. One day both of my brothers came to see her and had heard some of the bad things she would say to me. They couldn't believe what they had heard (when she left the hospital and I told her of this, she didn't even remember saying them). I had later found out that for the elderly, urinary tract infections can cause some confusion and to keep an eye on that. One of the patient service reps had told me that she would need "at home care" to help her to get back to walking again (she was having a little bit of a problem with that). I had told them that I would not know where to begin with that and they suggested that once her "physical condition" was better, they could then try to admit her to a nursing home facility for physical therapy. She was there for about 3 1/2 months (due to Medicare only "picking up the tab" for that length of time) and then she stayed with me for a while (I was having her kitchen and bathroom "renovated" for her).

All that I can say is that I have been there for her...taking care of her and making sure that her house is taken care of (it has some issues that need to get fixed that I just can't do and she can't afford). I've been out of work for a little more than 2 yrs. (but I've been looking for work) and it just hasn't been easy. She helps me a little bit with my bills and I'm using my savings to try to hang on. I now am embarrassed to say that I'm going to see if I can get help for food stamps (I pay her bills and groceries, but there's just not enough of my money for food). I try to do the best that I can for her, but it's hard and it can get very overwhelming on some days....especially when I have no help with all of this. She has arthritis in her left knee, to where it's starting to affect her walking. I don't live close to her (I'm about 30 mi. away) and I have to drive out there to help her. I have two brothers (one is about 10 min. away, but because of his work, he can't help...my other brother is in KY), but it's fallen on my shoulders. I can't tell you how many nights I cry because I just wish I could do more for her....find work so she doesn't have to help me....or just wish that I could change places with her. I don't want her to know of my being upset about this....she has enough to worry about as it is and I don't want her to have to worry about anything! I don't mind taking care of her...after all, she's my mother and if it wasn't for her and my father, I wouldn't even be here. Plus, when my father was in ill health (colon cancer), I promised him that I would take care of my mother. The only thing that is hard for me, is not having anyone to "talk" to when things get hard for me. I just pray every night that things will get better and that MAYBE I'll get lucky and find some kind of work that I can do off of my computer (which would be easier for me to do, since I'm taking care of her). It's just nice to know that reading these blogs lets me know that I'm not alone! God Bless all of you caregivers! Maybe there's a "special angel" looking down on us?.....

Margeaux~It is possible that she is still adjusting to the medication. Her PCP said it would take about 2 months for it to fully take effect. When I was taking antidepressants I was told a month. It will be a month Feb. 1st. I don't think the antidepressant will interfere with her competency. It will however, help to calm her anxiety which is our goal. Because I am over her house daily, she has become more dependent on me, letting down her defenses down, so more is coming to light with her inability to handle her day to day affairs. She called my cell phone today while i was at work (a first for her to do this). She received something from the State of California and was very concerned. I called her back and asked her if we could discuss this when I come over during my lunch break. When I went over, it was her W2 for SS for 2012. She also received a bill from the city for water, sewer, and garbage that she didn't know what to do with. Whether she is legally incompetent I do not know and I am not looking forward to hearing that she is. I think she is close and still has times when she understands but only for short minutes before she is asking again what something is for. I want nothing more than to buy her time so she can stay home a little longer and be with beloved dog. She has the remains for her other two dogs that she had cermated 6-7 years ago. Their remains are to be put in her casket with her. I find this a little over the top, but it is what she wants!! Margeaux, it is not easy. Not a day goes by that I am not in tears. I know it is me grieving as she declines more. I think the loss of driving, not being able to get out, not having anyone to talk to like she did when she was going to church (she isn't going to church anymore), and the weather has added to her decline. I have noticed on her calendar over the last 2 months, she has not been marking off the days like she was or writing down appts. She was suppose to see the cardiologist today, I didn't know and neither did she until they called her. I have been drilling into her head to take down phone numbers which works sometime but not all the time. Today she remembered. I called and rescheduled for Feb.8th. It's just a routine visit because the artery to one kidney is 90% blocked and they are keeping a check on the function of that kidney. Apparently it is not an artery they can do angioplacty on so they do blood work on it every 6 months. Yes, deep breaths, tears, laughter and continuing on!! Thank you for thinking about us. I hope you are getting sunshine and time to spend with your hubby. Enjoy the weekend and hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie,

I'm am really happy for you that you've made that appointment for the 11th.
Hopefully the neurologist will finally evaluate your mother. Do you think maybe that since your mom has only been on this new medication a couple of weeks, possibly something is going on for her in terms of an adjustment to it?
It occurred to me regarding those phone calls she receives about the possibility of registering her phone number(s) on the "Do Not Call List." Right after the New Year I started to receive way too many advertisement calls on my cell phone. So my husband found the number for our carrier, and we re-registered our numbers.
Your mother's carrier should have a number for this.
I remember when my sister started to have more problems w/our narcissistic aunt w/respect to her declining health. Since my sister didn't have MPOA of her, and was living in the same household, the situation started to get very sticky, between the lack of cooperation on my aunt's part, and some very necessary medical and caregiver decisions going on there. I remember that she finally became connected with some social workers. They seemed to give her referrals, or ideas as to how to start some kind of process for my aunt.
This really must be a challenge to say the least with your sister. O.K., I'm thinking about you. Take care of yourself, and do take the deep breaths! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joymoon~My mother has a personality disorder that affected all her children. I agree that it can be inherited and or can be developed by the environment that a child lives in. I think that if a child inherits the gene and lives in an abusive environment then it becomes full blown. It is not an easy thing to admit that we have something like this...I am so proud of you for admitting you have a problem. Recovery is an on going situation and I hope you can continue with therapy to help you. I had a lot of my mother's attitudes about life (learned behaviors), I had a victim mentality, was helpless, very negative, bitter and held grudges. Yes, I was verbally abusive!! I learned to overcome this with therapy and becoming more independent, learning to trust myself was a big accomplishment. I still struggle with low self esteem, some PTSD (certain things will trigger my past and cause depression), self doubt. I have come a long way and so can you. You can become happy and love yourself in a healthy way. Some issue will always be a life time work but don't give up on yourself. Be honest with yourself and your therapist. I have apologized to my husband and kids for how I was when I was younger. It is never too late to turn your life around and build relationships that are healthy. Hugs to you!!

Protecting my Mother & two adult special needs sisters



My Mom had total knee replacement surgery in feb 2012, my sister talked Mom into putting her on Mom's bank account with ATM card while she recovered so she could pay the bills well she did a lot more than that. My brother who had cerebral palsy was on hospice at the time and two younger sister also special needs live in Mom's home so do I. I was very busy taking care of all of them but was noticing that my sister had plenty of money to spend, her not having a job I looked into it come to find out she had been doing online transfers of my brother & sisters social security money into Mom's account and using her ATM card to withdraw it my Mom is payee not my sister . As my brother got sicker I stayed by his side 24/7, 4 months later he passed away. Last month Mom had my sister taken off bank account after finding out what she had been doing , now my sister keeps calling Adult Protective Services making false reports on me to get me out of the way, then she plans on having Mom claimed incompetent and be her payee & my 2 sisters. My Mom and I haven't even had a chance to deal with my little brothers death and now this. Grieving & Stressed !

Joymoon, how brave of you to admit your short commings. Yes, I do see a little bit of me in you. I guess I just got genetically lucky to be more like my mom than my dad. But, that being said, I learned a lot of very horrible ways to talk to people. Even though my ex husband was a drinker and a drug user, I still feel bad to this very day about the terrible things I said to him. No one deserves to be abused. I know that on different levels we are all damaged dysfunctional families growing up. But, you can grow and change everyday. I am not saying it's the only way to get better, what saved and changed me was when I became a born again christian. I also ended up in years, and years of counseling. I was blessed, with a very smart, good counselor who helped me to like myself, forgive myself, and this allowed me to love others. I am far, far, far, from perfect, but I like myself a lot more than I used to. Teresa- envisionnow

I forgot to mention Divorce !! lol not correcting what I type lol.

Ok...I haven't been on here for a good long time. I have to get this off my chest and it saddens me that I had to do this but i had to get my friends/room mates/married couple who were staying with me arrested. We had good 8 months and then her hubby walks out the door and ends up in a stress center. He then comes home tells his wife he wants a wife cuz he can't take care of her and their three children who under the age of three 2 girls and 1 boy. The smart thing she did was call her pastor to take the kids so they can work things out but that didn't happen and she starts rejecting christian counselling for their marriage and proceeds to drink beer.
They are no longer allow on my property that I rent from my landlord. I know them both real well and went to school with both of them. I just could not deal with the stress and trying to be a babysitter for my best friend which she is borderline narcisstic person. She has all sorts of issues and now is mad at me cuz I not only lied but inform the police she call me when she had no contact rule based on her conditional release. You can't help everyone and I learn that I had reach a more mature level of growth than her. She is still trapped with paranoia and fear; besides binge drinking and severe epileptic etc . I do not regret calling the cops cuz regardless of the neurospinal surgery she had done for spinal meningitis and double pneumonia. She is also very aggressive and violent. Its hard to imagine someone you know all your life turns on you because you wanted peace. After I call the police I made the decision that they had to move out because they were not trying to get a place to live and I was helping her husband get his disability. She can't take care of the kids because of her medical state and surgery and he can't take care of the kids cuz he has no jobs. So i know a borderline vs bipolar and I could not take the risk of her unpredictable behaviour and her drinking. They cannot come near me and the funny part is that she wants me to lie to a judge. I am not showing up or testifying n purger myself for her. She needs big time mental help so now for now I can deal with the color of black; being her frienemy. I had to get my short term anxiety medication increase so that I can find a way to deal with all of this. I hope the Good Lord Blesses me and allows me to keep my job still but I am also mad that my husband's ltc plan changed their call center hrs so now i have to find a way to get him to his appt on tuesday and pay the baby sitter. The only relief I have is that my family life is back as normal as can be and I can breathe. I am not suffocated anymore or feel like I am going to crack. As for others on this thread wishing you luck and prayers in these tough trials we all are living and going through. Peace N God Bless:)

I do believe and it is said, this narcissistic personality and borderline personality is inherited either by genes or environment. I picked up lots of her nastiness just by hearing it and feeling it all the time. I am a only child. My dad died indirectly of alcoholism when I was 16. The target was me. She blamed me for his death because I have a big mouth(he was obese, ate the wrong foods, smoked 3 packs of cigs a day and was boozing it up and womanizing continuously). This started my agoraphobia and panic attacks within months. Of course I am a ACOA, adult child of a alcoholic and have all 11 laundry list symptoms one of them, the biggest is fear of abandonment which fits like a glove for the narcissistic person. We got to any means to keep a relationship but we also inevitably destroy it by being nasty, sarcastic, back-stabbing, gossiping etc. We are very lonely people as we were not told how to make relationships either with a spouse or child or friend. You see, all this caused me to go one step further after my first divorce and that was to start drinking. I pushed the point and 5 years later I became a full fledged alcoholic myself. I met husband number 3 and he was instrumental in me stopping drinking plus going to a zillion meetings a week. I now have almost 24 years sober. I followed the steps for sobriety but now have to do it for this narcissistic defect that I did not even know I had till I read about it on this site!!! I did say terrible things to my daughter, like you are ugly, blondes have more fun, you are stupid, why can't you get 100's instead of 95's?, stop doing what you are doing! I always had some sort of ailment due to the heavy work load in this bed and breakfast of mine and would look to her to help me. I also used her as a adult to talk about my defunct relationship with my son who was already gone and living with my mother. She started cutting herself in her room due to my yelling and screaming as I found out she was having sex and putting hard core pictures of her on line. She then started threatening to kill me. This was when I gave her over to her dad never to see her again till this day and that was 8 years ago this coming Febuary. So everyone here has to ask themselves, what am I doing, am I becoming my mother one way or the other? I did give too much of myself and material things to my children when they were younger but thought it was due to my guilt for working and not being there for them plus having to send them to after school and other programs. Remember, I did not have children till 35 and 42 and none of my friends had children. I was clueless about raising kids. I was clueless in how to take care of myself and my husbands. This is why all relationships failed plus I did marry narcissistic men!! All 3 of them! At least I can admit it and did to my therapist who did say, yes, I do have this. The only way you can recover from narcissistic personality is to know it first, then THINK before you open your mouth. That is the hard part. Ok, I am now completely clean with this group. Can anyone see themselves in me?

Joan~Thank you for saying I am doing so well!! Yes I agree that I think our mother will be better off to be placed now if we can legally do it instead of home health care because as you said both situations will cause her to go forward so why put her in a situation of major adjustment twice. She would not be comfortable with me living with her or anyone else since she has never been a very social person. I keep her pretty busy now when I do over there and take her out shopping, but lately she hasn't wanted to go to the grocery store with me. She gives me a list after we have checked her pantry and personal supplies. Now that she bathed and washed her hair for the dr. appt. on Wednesday, she has been willing to go with me. That tells me she either felt icky but didn't know why or she was aware that she needed to bathe but wasn't doing it.

We never heard from APS. I am thinking that the report from her dr. was a standard report he has to do by law when a dr. advises that a patient can not be living alone to protect himself as well as the patient. If that is the case, then APS may not respond. However, if my mother has a tantrum at the neurologists office and refuses to cooperate with a memory screening, we will have to call them or the Area Agency on Aging requesting a social worker. I offered to call them but her dr. said no, I will do it. I am confused as to why nothing came of it. My sister did call APS a while back and they told her we needed to file for a conservatorship which I will not do because of the cost and how long it takes to get one. If the neurologist recommends incompetency, we will have to go court at that time for a judge to decide. Until that happens, we cannot place her so it could be a few months before this is all settled and I can breath knowing she is safe 24/7. My original question on the other thread was should I take some time off work until things are settled? We will see what the neurologist has to say and recommend.

On to the humor that gets us through these times, living to be 1,000, Lol!! I laughed at your response Joan. I am glad your friend will be ok. Breast cancer twice is rough and she will have a recovery to come through as well.

Good night all and Hugs to everyone!!

Welcome joannes! Wow, that is one dysfunctional situation that you are having to deal with and I'm glad that you have some boundaries in place. The Boundaries book is very good. Another good book is Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward.

Well here is another who fits into this group! My parents were not divorced, but it might have made life easier for the kids! I am now the only child left, and dealing with a Mom who is both obsessive-compulsive and narcissitic at 87. She has a very 'needy' personality. My Dad was an educated, traditional father figure...but he should have put his foot down about certain things in their relationship to help my mother move away from her OCD and neediness. He is 91 and has dementia which has progressed to where I just had to place him in a memory care unit. Mom fractured her back at Christmas and Dad was getting more agressive and yelling, pushing at her etc when he was agitated. She fell once after the fracture was diagnosed....so...next time he was upset, we called the police in and sent him for an eval. It's been a VERY rough month since then. I've had POA since last April...paying their bills and trying to work with Trust Attorney and Care Manager to get his applications in for VA long term care, while TRYING to keep him at home as he wished. BUT their relationship is so dysfunctional, that they do not support each other and bring out the worst in each other. Mom manipulates me to get what she wants. I've purchased a great book called BOUNDARIES which I greatly recommend to anyone who has lived in a dysfunctional family. It is biblically based, but not over whelmed with scripture. I enjoy it more than the psychological stuff myself. There is also another book called 'Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents" but I've not read that one. Seems all our sense of boundaries are set in early childhood by our parents. Seems most people have no sense of the dysfunction in their own families for a long time...because all that was happening was 'their normal' and they had no comparisons. I went to college to study nursing..and took normal and abnormal psychology and child development and sociology....all of which helped me to see the 'other ways' there were for families to be. BUT I took my 'compliant boundaries' with me that were instilled by my controlling parents....which was not good for our marriage. Fortunately, my husband DID put his foot down early on and helped me 'give up' my mother's strange set of rules about how one did virtually EVERYTHING! So I was able to loosen up and focus on my husband and children and play and have fun and make memories, rather than having 'the perfectly clean house'! Anyhow, I said enough. Caregiving as a child to aging parents must certainly be easier though if the parents are not horribly dysfunctional and one has not been raised in such an enviornment! My issues are not too much with ME and them...it's having to get in the middle of them and each other. The book is immensley helpful though!

I'm observing an unfolding drama between my wife, her identical twin sister and their aging, declining both physically and mentally, narcissistic/borderline mother who has given my SIL Durable POA but refuses to give anyone Medical POA.

She's already checked herself in and out of the same assisted living place twice, but then decided to stay home with some hired help who she managed to anger like she manages to do with everyone but cannot see it that way. Her hearing is terrible and her mind is slipping, but she has this idea that new hearing aids will make her hear like she was 21 and that she will somehow get better than she is. She's terrified of the idea of dying, but has always been rather religious, but it's had no impact on her narcissism.

I've told my wife that without Medical POA they are going to be helpless when their mother's health seriously declines which will mean they will have to file for guardianship which will not be pleasant. My wife realizes that and sees the tough road ahead of her and her sister.

At least with my SIL having Durable POA, when her mother's health declines to the point of not being able mentally and/or physically to do her business, then Debra will be authorized to do that which I guess will include paying people to care for my MIL at her home until she dies.

Right now my MIL is in a nursing home that she checked herself into and once again she does not like it and plans to stay there until April 1 when she plans to return to her duplex which will mean expecting my SIL and BIL who are in poor health themselves to help my MIL to move once again.

I can't begin to tell you how many houses she has bought to live in, apartment she rented, condos she bought and duplex she has built. She cannot stay in one place very long at all nor can she handle living with herself, but she can't see how she isolates people (typical borderline 'don't leave me, I hate you').

I'm glad that my mother planned for her long term care with an insurance policy and giving me both POAs before she started really going down hill, but she was resistant to the assisted living idea that her neurologist told her to do and she was resistant to use the riders that her long term care policy had for home health care and home builder care. However, that major stroke and her hip breaking made the situation such that the nursing home was the only reasonable option left although my step-dad did not like it nor does he like me having POA. Mum really should have told him years ago when she did this.

Love, hugs and prayers for all!

Hollis - It sounds like you and I are living in the same space. Mom will tell me that I am trying to take over everything trying to get rid of her. Jeeez! I cannot get her to the doctor because I cannot get her in my car. We will be trying to get her on the city buses that pick up people in wheelchairs. I think she has a UTI but cannot be sure until she sees someone. It got so bad the day after christmas that I finally called her primary care doctor to get some Physical and Occupational therapists. She has managed to tick off one of them already because she is not trying. The therapist actually said "God bless you" to me as she was leaving. LOL It kind of made me feel better that it was not just ME. Is there a way for you to get her doctor to send a nurse or social worker over to your home? TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If you dont do it no one will okay.
God Bless

austin - the remote starters are great. Minus 20 here. I don't know what I did without mine

joy I am glad you did get away for her. All those negative messages do harm us. I don't know if you do have a narcissistic borderlne personality - as you are aware. The ones I know are not aware at all - that is part of it. I am sorry you feel you have destroyed relationships. Maybe something will work out with one of your kids at least, eventually. It is not over till it is over. I have had my uos and downs with mine too, and still am with my daughter. ((((hugs)))) Life is not easy.

After I sold my house during a divorce and moved in with my then 82 year old mother with my 2 kids, my life was horrible. She would sit in the living room, the couch had a crunched in spot from her sitting there for so many years. She would watch TV, talk on the phone, have this fat pig of a friend over to annoy me by saying that I do nothing for my mother. I could not take the insults as I had my own house for 27-28 years. I would take the kids out every night just to get out of there. Weekends were worse as she would be yelling at me from her "command center'the couch" or in my face about how I was not doing something right and never made her a cup of tea. She finally almost had me stuck in the house as my agoraphobia came back full blast. A good friend came by who was almost her age and told her what are you doing to your daughter and then took me out for lunch. I left about 3 months later, never to return to that house. I left most of my household in there, do not care. It was not better up here in her house, so I bought my own again within 6 months which was a major mistake as I am stuck here now with a reverse mortgage. She is dead now almost 2 years. Sometimes things come back to me when I least expect it, things she said to me, some are nice memories, most are not. I did fly with my own business here and chamber of commerce for 9 years, then the economy went dead plus my kids were gone from all the abuse from the dysfunctional family stuff and will never return to me. That hurts as I do realise that I became my mother, narcissistic and borderline personality but as they say, it is what it is. At least I am aware of it and am trying to think first before engageing my big mouth. It is amazing how many relationships I have destroyed. But I did get away from her.

it feels like 1000 years alreadym and I know it is the same for some of the rest of you.

Hollis - you are right you are leading an abnormal life. Is there anything you can do for you to make it more normal - like getting out with some "normal" people. I don't think it is terrible of you at all to hope to get out of your situation. Could you arrange for some respite? I don't see you wishing any harm on your mum - just wanting a life of your own and an end to caretaking in this form. I would be very resentful if I felt I had to stay in my room. I had to do that when I used to visit mother, as it was so stressful. I couldn't take more than a few days of it.(((((hugs))))

envision - yes, it seems what we fear does come to pass sometimes. A therapist recently said to me - "It can't be much longer". I don't believe it! lol