The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

If the person in your house or anywhere else is in decline...
Aren't they in decline???? It is not the worst thing, I hope someone will be there for you should you need it, however if she is living there, maybe something that makes her feel like she is at home would be appropriate, could it be that she no longer recognizes people in the collage?
Behavior is always a good assessment tool.

Maybe there is something more than old age, Alzheimers could be the villain and something an elderly person has no control of.

I'm sorry to hear that your MIL caused more problems today. You are right. You have no choice than to set boundaries and stand by them so that she gets the message to leave. I've never had my MIL live in my house, but she used to insist on staying in one of our bedrooms when visiting. After years of being too patient, I did a few things that led to her never wanting to spend the night in our house when visiting again. Frankly, I was hoping to never have her visit us again, but nope.

So, apartment shopping did not go well. She says she withdrew her application to the senior living place. She now aknowledges that she will have to verify her income, but now she doesn't like the place because the young lady assisting us is too sweet. Apparently, that means she is not to be trusted. So, they went to look at a complex she lived in a few years ago. There is nothing available on the first floor, but she is sure one will be available soon. I think this is all BS. I finally lost it with her. She rearranges things to how she thinks they should be. My husband has asked her nicely many times. Her reaction is to argue with him on how her way is better. Tonight, she moved a decoration, so I moved it back. Five minutes later, she moved it again. I moved it back. I came back a little later- moved back to where she wanted it. I finally asked her to stop it. It is mine, I like how I have it, please leave it alone. She made some comment about how I could get rid of it. I said, no, it is mine and it is my house. She said, that is obvious. I said it is apparently not obvious to her. I am through trying to make her comfortable in our house. I cannot imagine going into someone elses home and thinking I had the right to dictate how they do things. Tonight she bitched to my husband that I have no pictures of her in my house. He pointed out several, which shut her up. But the funny thing is, in the room she is in, there were three collage frames with family pictures in them. There were several of her, and many of her children. On the dresser, there were framed pictures of her grandchildren. Day one, she asked that they all be removed. There were beautiful needlepoint pictures that my grandmother had done. She took them off the wall without asking, and stacked them up in a corner. I do not understand going in to someone elses home and acting like that. Then again, this is how she has always been. She wouldn't listen to a social worker. She is going to have to want to leave, which means we have to stop letting her run all over us. Sigh. I feel like I am being a bitch, but I also feel like I have no choice.

Hi everyone!!

It's one day at a time here with my mother as we wait for the appt. with the neurologist. Last week my mother noticed a window in the family room was cracked. It's duel pane so the glass com. had to order a new window. We told mom several times they would be here on Monday the 28th to replace it, but yesterday she called the police about it. My sis got there shortly after the police. Sis said the woman officer locked eyes with sis (in a questioning way due to mom's cognitive impairment). Toilets all work, mom was panicked because she just didn't understand how they worked. Later she accused my brother of stealing her dolls (little stuffed animals) that she keeps on the tank in one bathroom. My poor brother, he used to play barbie dolls with me and my sis when were little but I think he has outgrown that now that he is 61yrs. old, Lol!!

My sister has been doing accounts receivables at her job for some time now. She has admitted to me that she has been making mistakes since her health became an issue. Today she was told she is being demoted. Of course they did not use that word, they told her she would be making a big sacrifice so the other two ladies in the office can stay on staff. My sister has fancied herself as the office manager even though she has never been told that or given the title so this is a big blow for her.I feel really bad for her about this plus I am sure it will include a cut in pay which will be a further hardship for her. I really am not surprised after she has told me of her mistakes and one of the other ladies covering for her, but I guess it has gotten to be too much for them to accept. She is 60 yr. old now and I hope she hang in there to 65, even though she planned to work longer.
Have a good day everyone!!

MyWitsEnd~Have you tried contacting a social worker to come out and talk with your mil about her options for places to live? The Area Agency on Aging should be able to help you with this or at least direct you to a social worker. Plus having a social worker talk with her will help to drive home the fact that she can no longer with you and her son.

MyWitts, I pray that it all works out tomorrow.

Thanks for asking about my wife. She is doing much better.

Cmag- no, hubby does not have POA. Something on his list. First priority is getting her out of our house. Tomorrow, he is taking her to the complex she now says she wants to live in. They also, of course, will require her to verify income. They also have an immediate opening. She needs to pick one. I seriously feel like I have a rabid animal that has nested in my house and refuses to leave. I saw that your wife had some kind of knee surgery. How is she doing? I had both knees replaced last year, the second in December. Best thing I ever did for myself. I feel like I am 15 years younger. Thanks for all your advice.

Thanks for the advice. I do think sister is on a power trip, but she is also exhausted from two years of twice a week Dr visits with Mom (when Mom was in Independent Living) and now about twice a week visits to NH. Either me or my Brother go on the weekends since we both work. Another sister goes for a few hours twice a week. I stay overnight and sleep on another sister' couch when I go (so I visit Mom for 16 hrs). We do all we can to take pressure off her. She is just DONE but won't admit it, and we have no choice but to need her for certain things since she is close. There has been no mention of not letting us visit, but it is like pulling teeth to get info on her care. Mom had Norovirus (hospitalized) and pneumonia in the last month. She has back pain and is on heavy pain pills. Still does some PT, trying to walk. Mom is also on antidepresants. Thanks for listening!

Hi Sharyn, Margeaux, Cmag and all regular and new posters here. I didn't mean to ignore you all. I tend to read posts, and when I zoom into something I want to comment on, all else is thrown behind the back of my head. I post and reply back to the exclusion of all else. Gotta go now and clean mom's trache and read a mystery book. Night!

Bookworm, I know her :). Plan in place to convince her income verification is standard. Keeping all of my appendages crossed!

MyWits, I didn't even think about how MIL will take over the house by doing some chores. Well...glad you thought of it.

Bookworm- that is my plan starting yesterday. We have made her way to comfortable. She can do chores, but she is very overbearing. That would give her free license to redo my whole house. No thanks. Yesterday, I cleaned up the stock pile of groceries and condiments she insists keeping on the counter. This week, we are taking back our family room. She can watch tv in her bedroom. Why should we be doing that? So, that's my plan for this week.

MyWits – well, you just have to make living with you not so great a place to stay. Can MIL still do chores? Maybe hubby can approach his mother and ask if she can start contributing to the household. And yes, I would also stop warming up her plate. If she wants it warmed up, she can do it herself. Anyway, think of this as “training her to move out and live on her own.” You know how parents are suppose to do this for their teens before they leave home for college? Teach them to cook, wash their clothes, etc..? Maybe you all need to do the same with MIL.

Jhodierne – this thread seems to have a lot of narcissitic parents involved. I suspect father is one but I just don’t delve deeply to find out if it’s true or not. We will always butt heads with another and unfortunately, we both like to be right. So, I will just go with the flow and wing it as I go…..But I agree with you wholeheartedly. This is the best place to vent our anger/bitterness/resentment/frustrations…You take care and when you need to vent, just jump in and do so. HUGS!!!

From what I read around the threads on AC, if sis has the medical POA, she can exercise her rights to prevent her siblings from visiting their mom. I do recall reading another poster who's sibling was doing this to her. The NH would not let her visit or release any information about her father. I guess you can see the attorney but make sure you see an elder attorney (one who specializes in the elderly). Otherwise, if you go to the wrong lawyer and they give you wrong information, and you enact on their recommendation and lose - you will have really pissed off sis and she can just get revenge with you by forbidding you from seeing mom. Best to just Not rock the boat and go with the flow. Sis is power hungry, just cater to her "demands" no matter how much it pisses you off. BUT, if you go to an elder lawyer and he recommends that it is possible to prevent sis from stopping you all from visiting, then good. Maybe (?) go with his recommendation? (Sorry, my siblings had gone to court 3 times - and all 3 times - they chose lousy lawyers and got the short end of the justice system.)

Angie~I am sorry I misread your post. Now that I re-read your post, I suggest that you and your siblings stop asking your sister questions because it gives her power over you. Just go visit your mother and spend time with mom. Chances are...if your sister has a power issue, she will transfer her power issue to something else. It's all about getting attention and if she isn't getting it then she find another way to get it. Just make sure that you and your siblings can visit your mother at the NH without your sister interfering. If necessary, see and attorney to cover your bases so your sis can't stop family from visiting. Hugs to you and let us know what is going on!

I don't know what you can do Angie. If your mother has a living trust and the same attorney wrote the POA then you could contact him/her because I would think your sister has to report to someone showing how the she is handling the finances. When my sister can legally take over our mother's finances, she will have to report to our mother's Elder Law Attorney most likely on a yearly basis giving an account of how she is spending our mother's money on mom's care.

Need help with sister who has medical power of attorney and is primary responder due to her close physical proximity to Mom's nursing home. She is causing family fights over every little thing. We are not allowed to ask her any questions about Mom's care, or we are 'disrespecting' her, the sister. Stressful enough without all the fighting...

It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. I am now the caregiver to narcissistic mother and father who endured years of emotional abuse. What I thought was buried deep, the resentments and heartbreak that I feel everyday are overwhelming. My only support system is my husband and 15 year old daughter for whom I am so grateful. My golden child/narcissistic brother is of no help to me. I cannot stress the importance of therapy and self love even though it is easier said than done. Sometimes we find comfort and support in strangers whom we have never met, and I am eternally grateful for this forum.
Jennifer

MyWittsEnd, that is so frustrating. I don't blame you for wanting your home back. I've probably asked this before and if I have please forgive me, but does your husband have POA for his mother and if so, is it a Durable POA because if it is, he could go on an fill out the paperwork in her behalf and get her in the place. I hope for your sake that some solution is found soon.

I am so depressed. Last week, we found MIL a wonderful independent living place, well within her budget, that had everything she said she wanted. And it is immediately available. She seemed excited, and started the paperwork. Yesterday, she announced she was not moving. She thinks the application process is somehow a scam to get at her money. She will not allow the complex to verify her income. I am beside myself. Exactly where does she think you can rent without verifying income? I told my husband she has no intention of leaving. And why should she? We have given her full run of our house. I am sick of it. Tonight, I could not even fake being nice. I am tired of her idiotic requests. She instructed us to warm her plate for dinner ( she cannot eat off a plate right out of the cupboard). I just ignored her. I just want my home back.

That was a good one, Hollis! I already know that if I ever get bedridden, I cannot rely on my siblings. They can't even help with their own Parents, what more with their own sister! My brother-of-next-door-who-has-5-grown-up-adults-living-in-one-place had the nerve to tell me that he knows his kids would not care for him in his old age - but he can rely on me to do it. I did not appreciate that. I believe in Karma. Sorry, bro...I will not deflect Karma! =)

From reading above...reminds me of a recent telephone conversation with a girlfriend. She has wanted to move back to the mountains, but thought it best to remain near her family. It was an agonizing decision, but she bought her first home. She told her family about it and asked for help moving in with all say "sure". And like in the past six years she has been there, they are never around when it is time to pitch in. This time was no different!! But i caught her saying, "I sure hope they dont do this when they have to take care of me when I'm old and gray." LOL... I replied back..."I think you need to rethink that, and get a better plan!" OMG... It gave me a chuckle.

My wife is continuing to recover her mobility and no more news about the ongoing drama. My MIL would love to be able to play one sister against the other, but they aren't going to let that happen.

Yesterday and today, I've been sad and drowsy. I had my thyroid follow up blood work done on Friday and should learn soon if I need a higher dose which I think that I do.

Cmagnum,

What happened, I proofed, and made my corrections, but didn't delete one too many easiers. Also some way. Margeaux

Cmagnum,

I'm glad for you that your mom assigned both the DPOA, and MPOA to you.
This wrought havoc upon our family the last few years.
My sister was assigned DPOA of both mom and mom's sister.
She only had MPOA, of mom, She being the sibling living w/mom (in mom's home), aunt also lived there until she died. But it became a living night mare, towards the end of the narcissist aunt's life, and of course ours.
Since my aunt maintained control about decisions re: her health, made endless appointments last year, w/her various doctors. She suffered from congestive heart failure, and diabetes. We know at the end, she probably had made many unnecessary appointments, also because she as you've described your MIL was very afraid of death. Our aunt was pseudo religious. Religious, just as a front in my opinion.
Major abusive behavior surfaced last few years w/her. Throughout much of this, since my sister called me with endless complaints about her, I didn't just want to be the sound board, but was trying to offer some kind of solutions/suggestions to make life easier for my sister. My aunt maintaining her own MPOA, was the one who decided to do Hospice at mom's home, with no input about this decision at all from my sister.

Well, I wish you the best with all of this and your wife.
I certainly hope the two sisters can keep some of the competitive drama to a minimum. But I understand this, to a degree, since this is some of what I have going w/my own sister. I have chosen though not to compete w/her, which I really have never done anyway. My sister also in the picture of mom's health....enjoys being very secretive; it feeds her control. So she can have that, but what it means also, is then I can only participate to a limited degree. This is too many mental hoops to jump through for me, thank you very much.

I certainly hope for your sake, that there's someway your wife will find the best way to deal with this issue, because it will make life easier for easier for you.
I hope she is continuing to recover her mobility, and I hope you are doing well.
Thank you for writing about this subject. I think also our legal system is so convoluted in these areas. Much Love & Light1 Margeaux

Well, I think my mother is playing in her house during the night. She has duel pane windows and one window is cracked on the inside pane only and now today she is having problems with both bathroom toilets. She says when she flushes one, the other over flows. How is that possible?? I think she is playing Johnny plumber in the night and messing things up then doesn't remember the next day. Anyway I am off to work shortly, hubby is working too so I called my brother. It's on going circus right now with all three rings running at mega speed, Lol!!

Thank you so much, sharynmarie, for your comments. It does help to know other people are dealing with similar situations.
Medicare does not cover long term care in a nursing home. It is basically Medicaid, overseen state by state. Unfortunately, someone in the family took large amounts of money from her and that may make her ineligible, or they may penalize her by not covering it for a certain number of months, as they consider that a "gift".
And I am the one left holding the "bag".
Yes, someday they may be in the same situation. I hope somebody does better by them than they have.
I will try to let my anger go as I know it only does me harm.
Thanks for your concern!

Bwolf and Camilla~Welcome to the thread! You are not alone and will get lots of support here. Come back to share/vent. Someone will always respond to help you out!!

Lovingmom~I hope you get the aid...does she have medicare? It's a tough situation when no one else is helping. Have you called the Area Agency on Aging? From what I understand they have many programs that can may be of help. It's worth calling them to find out.

As many others will tell you, their siblings don't/won't help either. and you can't force them. One way to look at it is that your siblings have the right to chose just like you do and if they chose not to help then try not to focus on their lack of help. Being consumed with anger towards them will only add to your stress and affect your health in the long run. Family's can let us down quite often and just not be there for us...it's their loss because some day the shoe may be on the other foot and the example they are setting for their children, will bite them in the butt. Hugs to you and let us know how things progress with getting the aid!!

I am in the middle of applying for aid for my mom to pay for nursing home care. Most of my siblings have abandoned me. I know they don't want to have to deal with it at all. My older sister helps some, but not enough and doesn't want the responsibility. I am extremely stressed over my mom's situation and getting her aid and what will happen if aid doesn't come through. It is taking a toll on my health and well-being and none of them care because it's not them. I am not only stressed but angry at them. What can I do?

Burned~Sorry for the troubles you are having with your childhood friends and calling the police. I hope it all settles down with you. You mentioned your job. Is this a job in addition to caregiving for your husband? Well, hang in there the best you can, sometimes that is all we can do at certain times. Hugs to you!!