The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo- thanks! Your posts always scare me when I read your mom is 100 and still making you miserable. I read that and wonder, could I survive 15 more years of this?? Yikes! So, the apartment complex now has an immediate opening. She is supposedly moving next weekend. We will see. It is not a senior living facility like the other complex. She really does need some assistance, but she is so insistant she does not. I view this as a necessary intermediate step. It gets her out of our house. If it is obvious it is not a good fit, we can then help her find a better one. Our house will NOT be an option. No doubt she will continue to argue with my dear husband over complete nonsense. But, at least this way he can go home or hang up if she is not behaving. Tonight I was driving our son to a school event. Out of no where he asked me if I ever got the feeling grandma really wanted he and I to leave so she could just live with hubby. We had come to the same realization a few months ago. It is sad he picked up on it also. Still, makes me know that insisting she move is right. I feel like a big witch about it, but I must put my son's needs first. Certainly, he should not be made to feel ubwelcome in his own home.

Camilia- I do understand what you are saying. When I was 29, I hiked the Grand Canyon (awesome). Less than a year later, I could not lift myself out of the bath tub or climb a flight of stairs. I had small children, and struggled to tie my own shoes. Nine years ago I had to have tendons reattached on both hands as I had lost the use of several fingers. Last year, I replaced both knees. I just turned 50, which is pretty young for that. So, I do know how frustrating it is to lose yourself, and to live life in pain. People can mean well and say dumb things. Still, I never saw it as an excuse to be mean to others. Unless there is dementia involved, I have little patience for making other people miserable simply because you are. And I definTely think children of parents who abused them, physically or emotionally, should never feel it is their responsibility to devote their adult years to caring for their abuser when they become elderly. Many on this thread are in that situation. With those kinds of people, you have to set limits or they will drag you down with them.

I had some kind of a crazy week here. My husband caught a cold last Sat. Then on Sun., we discovered we had no hot water. Oh no!! I was scrambling. I was trying hard not to catch whatever it was he had as we weren't sure at first if it was really a flu bug. So, my dishes had piled up. By Mon., morning, I became a pioneer woman. I boiled several big pots of water, and washed many dishes. I think he somewhat had a flu. Then by Wed., I didn't feel too well. The nighttime temperatures dipped quite low for our area. So I felt achy, especially on my back. I was thinking, well I did have to do extra work on account of the water situation. But I was not feeling myself for the next few days. Finally today, I think I'm better, even got out and walked to the bank. My husband is still under the weather.
Anyway, many people have been sick lately, and apparently it seems to linger.
Well everybody, try to get plenty of rest and fluids. Rosemary tea is great; I think it helped me from going off the deep end, while being surrounded by the bug.
Also, I did drink a lot of green tea. O.K., I hope all of you also have a good & healthy weekend. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I think myself, it has really got to be hard, to get old and not be in charge of yourself, anymore. These things can happen, when you are young also.

I remember well, that when I had my two strokes, well meaning people, meant the best for me, by trying to guess at what I meant to say, guess at what was good for me, all I can say, is they were only right 5 percent of the time...
As we know in life everything can change, we just never know when
and we do persevere. All of this too shall pass...

thx cmag - between the flu - which I didn't get as badly as many but which hangs on, and still battling the candida, i just get very tired. Glad your thyroid tests are normal. That hasn't helped me a lot either. Sometimes I think I am just weary of life and would like to float away, and there are times I feel so tired that I think I could. Here we get the jan/feb blues -cabin fever, seasonal affective disorder, or whatever from the winter being so long and the days so short, and the strain of the cold. The days are getting longer, but we still have another month of harsh winter - at least. The snow will not be completely gone till April, and March can be very cold with raw winds, but the temps will not be as bad -so it is a matter of hanging in for another few weeks. A trip to somewhere warm would be really good right now but Gary is too busy. I don't feel emotionally down, but more physically tired -which can get discouraging and could be due to the chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia and/or the candida and/or the flu. Thankfully once in a while I do feel normal - it gives me hope. I haven't caved in and gotten a housecleaning service yet, as housework is a form of exercise, and with just the two of us it is not a great deal of work, and I manage to work at it a bit at a time and keep things reasonable. I spend more time in the kitchen as I enjoy cooking - most of the time.
Well rambling here. Stuffed peppers last night, pot roast and pyrogies tonight, and thinking about dessert :)

emjo, sorry to hear about your flu bug and hope you recover soon. That can really drain a lot of energy. My thyroid tests came back normal, but I'm still down.

Hi all
Sharyn, I guess APS did respond – but a card was hardly useful. I am sure you are nervous about the upcoming appointment. ((((((hugs))))) Life is changing fast for you now. I guess the cold is relative…I am glad your mum is responding well to the antidepressants, and the two of you are getting along. I have thought for years that mother would have benefitted from an antidepressant, but she wouldn’t take one. My daughter has been on and off them, and to me she is much better when she is on them. The norovirus gives wicked stomach flu. I am so glad I didn’t get it. Hope you don’t have many more “incidents” at your mum’s house. You are facing what I have dreaded, but haven’t needed to do -yet anyway.
I am slowly getting better, though I still nap in the day time and a bit of a sore throat. G’s throat is still bad. This bug is going around and you just have to wait it out I guess. I think he needs some serious time off to relax.
Camilla –sounds like your mil had a very bad experience with a nursing home. I am glad it is working having her at home.
Thx envision –it really struck home to me about how many times I have said “yes” to others which meant saying “no” to me. Time for that to change. I have had that fear of making others unhappy. Please do try to say “No” to others more, if it saying “yes” is taking away from you. It is hard to change, but it can be done, and is well worth it. I found as I get older, I had to, in order to survive.
Mywitsend – I really feel for you – I have been in similar positions with mother, and had to be the bad guy to move her on her way. Once I sat down with her and a newspaper every night looking at ads for places she would be able to rent. Finally she got mad, said some nasty things and moved out. This was when I was in my 20s and she was barely 50 and very healthy. She just wanted someone to wait on her. Finally, as I got older, I refused to have her come for a visit. Because the time before she wouldn’t leave until I drove her home (she came up on the bus). It is a 5-6 hour drive and I was still working FT, but I did it, as it was the only way to get rid of her. Then I said that’s it! It was better to do the drive than have her stay and pick me apart. I can so relate to the things you write. Keep on being firm and not catering. Prayers for her to move out and your home to return to normal. BTW Wonderful that your knee replacements are working so well.
Margeaux – sounds like your dad was a real enabler. I hear you about not putting up with the sarcastic comments. I got in trouble for that too. Writing things down does help.
book – wondering how you are – depressed I guess. Can you do something good for you? You got rid of a lot of tears at the dentist! Just post when it is good for you.. It mustn’t become another burden
Cmag – sorry your depression has been strong. Have you had the results from your thyroid tests? Mine came back normal this time thankfully, so I just have to get to my doc for more of the new dose.
I understand about not being able to post much sometimes. I am having a break from mother right now – no emails -and I feel like having a total break from the whole subject sometimes. And that is compounded by this flu bug which drains me.

Alabama – have you heard anything from the courts?
Hollis, Austin, burnedncaringst , joymoon, joannes, gcrow56 , Angie4567, Lovingmom, jhodierne124, BWolff56, and whoever I may have forgotten - so many new people – check in and let us know how you are.
Hoping everyone has a good weekend. Put you first for a change!
♥ hugs and prayers - Joan

Today is another beautiful warm sunny day here. We need rain and the snow pack but I am enjoying these 60 degree days right now.

One more week before we take mom to the neurologist. I am not looking forward to her reaction when she realizes we are at a neurologists office, nor am I looking forward to hearing that she may be incompetent but we have to find out so we can further help her with her daily life.

You never know how things will change in our life from one month to the next. A few months ago, it was all I could do to spend time with my mom. Now she is pleasant to be around and I am enjoying our time together. We laugh together at some of the silly things she says or does, no more accusations for the time being, at least not directed at me. She still has her suspicions regarding my sister. If we only could have got her on an antidepressant sooner it sure could have made things easier 6 months ago, but she would have known it was an antidepressant and refused to take it. Have a good weekend everyone!!

That is very nice that they did that with the gift cards. I would like to get a couple of the books myself because they are not in the local library as of yet. I will be getting a couple in a little while.

I also find that some of the posts make me depressed. There are some very sad stories. On the other hand, it helps so much when someone understands what you are going through. I feel better when I can lend some understanding to someone else in a similar situation. I just need to get through the next few weeks. Last year was one of big changes for me, and MIL situation has been a cloud I need to get rid of so I can enjoy life. I have had rheumatoid arthritis since I was 29. My 30's were unbelievably painful and debilitating. Thanks to new medicines, the pain has been gone for several years, but the damage done made walking very painful. Last year, I replaced both knees, the last one just 7 weeks ago. My last rehab is tomorrow. In 6 weeks, I am doing a 5K with my family. 7 weeks ago, I could not walk around the block. I feel better than I have in over 15 years. I just need the black cloud to move on, and life will be sweet.

Margeaux, thank you again. You are. Ery understanding. My mother was also narcissistic, which is why I have no patience for it. It is also why I feel strongly that we cannot continue to have our son be in this position. Apparently, the second complex called today, and they have a unit that just came available. Hubby is taking her tomorrow to look at it to see if she likes it. I told him there is only one acceptable answer. Since she rejected the last one because the rental agent was too nice, I am skeptical. It's like when she receives a gift. She likes it for about a day. Then she comes up with all sorts of things that are wrong with it. I have never seen her get a gift that she does not eventually reject. Usually angrily ( the giver should have known she doesn't like that kind of waistband or that blue makes her look sickly.....). Ugh. Until she moves, I am going to continue not catering to her. We have been too nice.

Thank you to all of you who answered my question about the Amazon gift.
I want to use it, and don't know for what book yet, but it may even be one of the ones some of my friends here have recommended. Will dock in later, I'm trying to get to the bank. Much Love, Margeaux

Book and Cmag~I know what you mean about either holding back on posts or getting depressed from reading them. I do it too and I get very sad for a few days. I probably am mildly depressed to begin with so when I read certain posts, it will trigger feelings, memories. You have to do what is best for your situation.

Lavender~Ac.com sent gift cards in an email as their Christmas gifts. I was very surprised. You probably were really new at that time so didn't get one, but this year you should. Apparently they give something every year to the caregivers which is very generous and thoughtful of them.

How do you get a gift from Aging care?

Yes, that's how it is with me, Cmag. Although there are 3 new posters, I zoom in on one and comment. I cannot with the other 2 until maybe a day later when I'm a little bit Okay. I go back and reread. Sometimes, I just have enough Umph in me to just give them a HUG in their wall post. Have to go now. time to do the parent's mornings. and work.

My wife is concerned that I might be staying on this site too long and reading some stories add to my depression which lately has been strong. I don't like days like today or the last several days and it is so hard to force myself to do some of the smallest things, but that in itself is a symptom of depression.

I sometimes find that I only have enough energy to respond to one post and stay focused on following that person in their situation.

I hope everyone is having a better day.

Margeaux, I only skip reading certain threads when I'm depress. I sometimes find myself getting More Depress as I read other people's hurts and problems. It's like I have so many hurts, and then when I read other people's hurts - it becomes my hurts, too. Does that make sense? So, to preserve myself, I skip.

Unfortunately, on Wednesday, I had xray being done at the dentist and I started crying. I knew something was "off" these past couple of weeks but couldn't figure it out. I suspected depression but depression usually means I'm crying all over the place for No Reason. And I wasn't crying. So I asked poster for a HUG. That didn't work. I still felt "off." Didn't post much on AC since I was "not in the mood."

So, when I started crying during the dental xrays, sigh...I now know that I'm depress. But, really, did it Have To Occur when I'm stuck on the dentist chair and cannot find somewhere private to cry it all out? So, tears were falling down while she was xraying each tooth. It stopped when she's switching xray films. Then the tears starts falling every time she tells me to bite down (to hold the film in place). I was soooo embarrassed!

Margeaux, I may not always comment here, but I still do read. Sometimes, when I comment and not acknowledge you or others, it's because my mind zooms into one person's comments, and I need to say what I need to say. By the time I'm done, I'm tired.

The coupon for Amazon - you need to have an account with Amazon.com. When you Click on the Link in your email, it will automatically open another web window for you to sign in to Amazon. It will automatically go to your account. When you're checking out to pay the item, it will pop up at the payment as a credit. I used mine to order an Ebook on dementia.

I used my gift from AgingCare to buy a book on Amazon dot com. It has been almost a month since I used it. If I remember correctly, there is either a link you can press on the coupon or a code that you use when checking out to pay.

Love, prayers and hugs to all.

Emjo, Sharymmarie, or Any One Else,

I was wondering whether any of you used the gift from AgingCare, a coupon for Amazon, I think it was. How does one use this? Do we print it out?
Thank You, and hope everyone is well, and hanging in there! Much Love, Margeaux

Envision,

It occurred to me, that you wrote on a post something about you not being able to express in words, your feelings. Do you ever have time, to just sit quietly and think a bit? This is what some people would call, becoming still, giving their minds a rest, etc. But it could be in these moments you could have a light bulb moment, and maybe some of the things you find puzzling, patterns, many things, you could write down. Truth be told, even coming here to the Forum and writing about it, has helped me tremendously. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you.
Hope you are doing well. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bookworm,
How are you? I'm glad to see you posting, as I'm aware that sometimes you don't want to read the thread. Totally understand, sometimes we just have to take a break too! But I wanted to say hi! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Good Morning MyWitsEnd,
I was re-reading, as I do on occasion about what the situation is w/different people.
Sometimes I can't remember each person's details. Anyway, I believe you'd written that your MIL, had moved in with you and your husband from another state, while she was ill? There are so many situations here, and sometimes I can't remember all the details, which I think are very important in each and every case.
I hear you MyWitsEnd! You feel very unhappy and trespassed upon by your MIL.
She is violating some very fundamental rules towards your family, by not cooperating, while being a guest in your home. Your husband and son come first!
I wish my mother would have realized this point, because we as children, and my father never came first for her. Her narcissistic sister did. So this damaged, and lessened for us possibly closer relationships within our family based upon authenticity.
It takes tons of courage for a family member, such as you to speak up, when these things are not happening. It did for me. I once lived at mother's home. This was before my dad passed. The Battle Ax, (mom's sis) this was my name for her, also lived there w/us. She always was a problem, throughout her whole life. No one in our family really stood up to her, not even dad. So you see in some way, my parents by not standing up to this woman, created a monster. But as I got older, I did!!! Oh, and did that ever rock the boat! But what daughter would put up with an aunt, who was making sarcastic comments to my dad, in his own house, I ask?
My dad was way too nice to her, always making excuses for her toxic behavior.
It got so bad at that time, especially three years prior to my father's health declining to colon caner. So when dad passed, I thanked my mom for having me there.
But I also told her, that I could no longer live there with her sister, because she was so unbearable. I left. You see, so I'm of the opinion, that some of us can change our circumstances.
I hear you MyWitsEnd, so just keep thinking and doing what you are doing!
Much Love & and there's Light! Margeaux

Margeaux- Thank you. Of course, we should have never let MIL move in. But, she was not doing well, and we felt bad. Once she regained her strength, she returned to her normal self. She is fine to be on her own at this point. Problem is, she is rejecting every housing option presented to her. We have been too nice, and our son is paying the price. I absolutely will not have his last years at home with us be tainted by this. I would be very understanding if this were dementia related. This is willful disrespect of our home. Again today, she moved things to how she wants them. They are not hers to move, but she cannot accept we would place things in spots other than what she wants. At least she didn't pick a fight today. She does that almost everyday with my husband. We NEVER argue. Our home is drama free. Now, it is always something. I am so tired of it. Thanks for letting me vent. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind.

emjo, I love your post about "When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself." That's what I do all the time, I say yes, because I don't want anyone to be unhappy if I say no, and then usually I am the unhappy one. I will try harder not to say yes, right off the bat, before thinking it through. It is hard to change one's life long patterns...

I thought this was a forum for caretakers on care-giving and helping support each other in times of trial. I was only trying to come, from an understanding point of view, being a person who has had two open heart surgeries and two strokes, I know what it feels like, to have family members want to put you somewhere, you don't really want to go.

Fortunately we live in a time and place where people do not have to be forced to into nursing homes, the MIL sounds like she still has her wits about her, do they have assisted living places by you? Unfortunately you say your MIL is a narcissist (they always cause trouble and they enjoy watching people squirm). It is one thing to have very firm boundaries, with your MIL, but who put a child next to the women who says she does not like children? I tell you it was doomed...

I hope whatever you are trying to get help with, I hope it works out well for the everyone concerned.

I helped rescue someone from the clutches of institutional living, that was literally draining the life out of her, she is 86 years young and recovering nicely, although I have days where I wish, I had more freedom.

She goes to a daycare part of the day and I go to college in the evenings. I do some of her daily living functions, transitioning her from bath to eating to dressing and trips to the doctor, etc., she on the other hand, gets to live with her son, and live life as normal as she remembers it to be. For that I have no regrets!

Joan~My mother did receive a business card in the mail from APS, nothing more. My sis took it with her Monday and was going to call them, but told her why bother, they probably won't come out unless there is suspected elder abuse.

-26!!! Brrrrrrrrr! I am complaining because we have been getting in the low 30's and upper 20's at night. I will shut up now, Lol!!

Glad you and G are feeling better, I read a little about the norovirus, it seems some people have been very ill with it. Take care of yourself!!

Camelia,

If you go back several posts, you'll see that Mywitsend, doesn't have a good situation with her MIL. She is the one completely over stepping her boundaries!
Margeaux

I just lost three posts so will keep this short.
mywitsend I do agree with how you are dealing with this. Sniors can be emotionaak vampires too.
Sharyn - things are going downhill and your mum needs help. Hope Feb 11th bring somes. I do not understand about APS either. Hang in there.
Here is am finally getting over the flu or whatever has hung on since Christmas -sleeping a lot! G has been quite sick twice, once with a norovirus, but thankfully -from my point of view - away at meetings both times. Mother sent a few emails in response to me drawing very firm boundaries, after the Christmas fiasco. She is finding excuses for her own behaviour - I have ignored them -same old, same old. She is fine and has resources where she is. For those of you who don't know she is narcissistic and has Borderline Personality Disorder, is narcissistic but does not have Alz. She is 100 yrs old living in an ALF in another city by her choice, and causing trouble whenever she can.
We have snow and more snow here - worst I have ever seen and it is minus 26 with wind chill taking it to minus 38. I think I will stay in today. It is supposed to warm up by the weekend to 9 degrees F. I hope!!!
Have a good day everyone and remember what Paulo Coelho said:
"When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself."
In other words - look after you.

Camelia, this is a very narcissistic person. She does not like out children, and is open about it- particularly our son. He is at home, and he has to hide from her or she makes him miserable. I would have some compassion for her if she had been the kind of person who helps other people or has ever cared about anyone but herself. She has never been.. When one of her children died, leaving teen children without parents, alls she cared about was getting some worthless family things out of their house. She did not care that these children had no home. We did it happily by ourselves. They are now grown and doing well, but in 10 years, she has not sent any .of them so much as a card. She is extremely controlling. She has plenty of money for her own place. But then, she would not have people to boss around and cater to her on a daily basis. I would absolutely never put my children through that. I cannot describe adequately the 30 years of nasty behavior I have witnessed. We should have never moved her in. Now that she is here, we need to get her out. She delights in making other people miserable. Right now, she is succeeding.