The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well it seems that Mom is still causing problems even after she died-she really wanted to pit us against each other-we the four of us only have one aunt alive and one uncle who wants nothing to do with us-I know he was told about my mothers' death but not a word from him to any of us-and mom made his life very easy when he was carring for his mother by helping him when ever he wanted to get away-she almost lived there-she was there so oftem. Well it seems mom was very angery and told my brothers things that were not true and now one brother and maybe the other do not want to be in even in touch with my sister-it is very sad but mom did know what she was doing-as you all know she made my life a living hell starting when I was young all the way until she died-I learned a lot from all of you about a narcissic mother so it should not be a shock to me that how she was is still affecting us-but it is very sad-at least my sister and I talked about our growing up -mom told her she was a contrception mistake and she and I are close-I am very sad how my brothers feel but I can not do anything except maybe tell them that mom was not telling them the truth or not-probably won't say it because their minds are closed-so it is what it is I guess-thank you for listening. My gentleman friend and I are finally on the same page about our friendship-I have accepted it and well will talk on the phone and see each other as friends for the time being.

Susan- you are so right. A few months ago, I wrote an email to each of my daughters and promised that when I could no longer live by myself, I promise to find a nice assisted living for myself. I told them to print it, and save it in case I ever needed reminding. They laughed, but I was not joking. There is no way my husband and I would ever put our children through that. They have their own lives, and they deserve to live them. Someone once made a comment on here that the reason there may be so many people on here dealing with difficult, narcissistic parent(s) is that a non-narcissistic person would never expect another person to suspend their lives to care for them 24/7. I know I definately would not.

Susan, you are so right and I bet you are a great mother to your kids. In some ways I can forgive my elders for not planning ahead because there are a lot of aspects about modern life and aging now that probably weren't as clear in the past. But it's the fact that my mother has shown me she really and I mean REALLY doesn't care about the impact on me and do what small things she could do to minimize the difficulties that makes me crazy. It's like she wants to stay totally in control and independent with all her pride to the very last second and if that means living in a filthy house, neglecting her pets, risking needless injury, forcing me into the position of calling the state on her...well she'll do it.

If there is one thing I have learned from this experience, is to make adequate care for MY old age on every level ... health, finance, support, friendships, community, spirituality, etc .....so that I will never have to make my kids responsible for me when I get old. It is that age old debate: how responsible are we for our parents bad choices/bad lifestyles/bad relationships with everyone else around them. I only know that right now, I am ACTIVELY choosing not to put this burden on my kids in 30 years time, and putting the steps in place right now so that they can love me without guilt and pressure to "look after me".

My family is totally crazy even not considering any eldercare isssues. I honestly don't know how I will survive their old age, I really don't. I just needed to say that somewhere tonight.

emjo, I am so sorry to hear that you have been sick. No, nothing from the courts. It is utterly ridiculous. Until her Honor makes a decision...is my parent competent or not....my sibling is still the interim guardian. In being the interim guardian,this sibling is isolating my parent, confusing the parent. and extracting all the evil that can be found against me. I have now missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and my parent's 92nd birthday. Calls to my parent are prohibited. Visits have to be supervised. It has made me sick. It is so abusive to my parent. and there is nothing that can be done until a decision is made. My parent has had another fall, this time a blow to the head. So now it is a broken shoulder and a blow to the head. I have also called Social Services to make sure that she is OK. I am still her conservator per her legal papers, but due to the evil sibling's rushing to the court house I have to wait until a decision is made. I am strong about not wanting to be the Durable POA or the health care POA, but I agree with my parent, it needs to go to someone OUTSIDE the family. I will try to help with that request.

Like you, I have cabin fever. I am sick of winter and long to be out and about, that would cheer me up. Hurry up spring and hugs to you!

Susan- they would probably kill each other!

ps, i will tell you that i laughed out loud at your suggestion we get your MIL together with my FIL!

Cmag, thank you. I am holding my breath hoping she does not come up with yet another ridiculous excuse.
Susan- you know I so feel for you. A few months ago, I made an appointment for my husband and I to go llook at an assisted living place. We both agreed it was more than she needed, but it got the conversation between us going. Are there any siblings? Does FIL have other children or anyone he listens to? We have been enlisting the help of relatives she likes to email. They know full well how difficult she is, and were very helpful in suggesting to her repeatedly that yes, we are horrible, and she should get her own place. They were also helpful in letting us know what was going on in her head. Mostly, once we started the discussions of moving, we never let it die. If she backs out of this one, it will be highly unpleasant.
Margeaux- ha ha. The good witch. I love it. One day MIL was being particularly nasty, and my daughter suggested to me that I throw a bucket of water on her to see if she'd melt. Yes, I will think of myself as the good witch :). My mother was narcissistic, and my father is very passive. It always bothered me that he would sit quietly while my mother terrorized me. He told me once it was better to let the storm pass. I understand, but it was not fair to me or my sisters. Her storms left scars. I will not have my son believe that I would ever put MIL above him. My job is to protect him. Sadly, even from his grandmother.

Thank you all. I will let you know how it goes.

Good Morning MyWitsEnd,

A BIG CONGRATULATIONS! What a revelation your son made to you, also that he picked up on the fact his grandmother was in the process of alienating you and he, from your own husband, for the purpose of having him to herself. I cannot see that this situation would have improved, if this is what a grandchild feels. He's intuitive, so are you. Well, and let's not leave your husband out of the picture either, because it being his own mother, you get the idea.

This is a great lesson for your son. Many of us here, who have experienced this aspect of abuse, when our own parent does not come to our defense can be some of the kind of abuse that can be understated, I feel in the bigger picture of abuse.
Your son in turn, will have learned from you his mother, about what it is in life, he should not tolerate! If you want to feel like a witch, don't forget..... there's the good witch too! Much Love & there's LIght! Margeaux

mywitsend, just read that MIL is moving out. i am so pleased for you, and i have some idea of just how much of a relief that will be for you and the kids. my kids also have said that maybe the motivation behind all our issues is that my FIL really wants his son to himself, and will only 'let up' when that happens.
i had a kind of 'moment' yesterday, where i just burst into tears with him and said i don't know what else to do to please you ... he needed stuff from the chemist but of course here everything has to be done in german. his requests were complicated, so i got the original prescriptions in english, and then spent over an hour with our chemist trying to find the german equivalents and the generic brandings. got back, and gave him what i had brought, which obviously is different packaging ... he threw it on the table, said this is not what i want, and stomped off, bad leg and all. this after i have spent the day running around nursing him and catering for him because of his bad leg. i just burst into tears and told him how ungreatful, how mean, how hard and closed he is all the time, and what did he want from us, because at this rate he was destroying his son's marriage and family.

he has been ok today, but its weekend and his son is home.

we also went today to just price the assisted living centre down the road. first time my husband has said that he can't live like this forever either, that there needs to be some other solution. prob not this centre as its hugely expensive ....but its a step in the right direction.

will be holding thumbs that all goes well with her move, and that breathing space, calm and peace return to your home as soon as she's moved. lots of love, xxx

Sharynmarie- we had a similar babysitting experience with our first, although not so scary. A movie theater opened across the street from my in-laws neighborhood. Our first was about a year old. So, we asked if they would watch her during the day while we went to an afternoon movie. We took over per porta-crib in case she needed to nap. We were gone a little over 2 hours. When we walked in the house, our daughter was standing in the crib not 10 ft from where my in-laws were sitting, heads down, doing a crossword together. Our daughter was bawling, her face completely tear stained. It was obvious they were purposely ignoring her. Our daughter's voice was very hoarse. When I picked her up, MIL made a comment on how I spoil her. We never asked them to babysit again, and they definately never volunteered. We knew we could never enjoy ourselves knowing what we would be subjecting our children to. She still likes to give us her insightful (not) parenting advice. I just ignore it.

Before I forget, I talked with my sis last night. She told me the business card from APS was bent. She thinks my mom found it lodged in her door. Whether they will come out again, I do not know!! Good night!!

MyWitsEnd~Don't feel like a witch about it. You have to protect your son, no one else will. When my son was around 2yrs. my parents watched him one evening when I was taking a night class, hubby was working late. My mother has a personality disorder and my father was an active alcoholic at this time. My son crawled under the bed in one of the spare bedrooms. My parents were frantically calling for him, looking everywhere. Finally they found him under the bed. The reason my son did not respond to their calls was because he was on his side under the bed which was close to the floor. He couldn't get enough air in his lungs to yell loud enough. My father acknowledge that is what happened. However, both my parents made it out that my son traumatized my poor mother to tears because they could not find him.That was the last time I had them babysit for me. You have to do what is right for your family. A grandparent who makes a grandchild feel unwelcome is not a good grandparent. Hugs to you!!

MyWittsEnd, I am very glad to hear that your MIL is out of your house and that coming back is not an option!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

emjo, I sometimes feel burned out on life too and would just like to lay down and float away, but I'm still here for a purpose.

Love, hugs and prayers for everyone!

Emjo- thanks! Your posts always scare me when I read your mom is 100 and still making you miserable. I read that and wonder, could I survive 15 more years of this?? Yikes! So, the apartment complex now has an immediate opening. She is supposedly moving next weekend. We will see. It is not a senior living facility like the other complex. She really does need some assistance, but she is so insistant she does not. I view this as a necessary intermediate step. It gets her out of our house. If it is obvious it is not a good fit, we can then help her find a better one. Our house will NOT be an option. No doubt she will continue to argue with my dear husband over complete nonsense. But, at least this way he can go home or hang up if she is not behaving. Tonight I was driving our son to a school event. Out of no where he asked me if I ever got the feeling grandma really wanted he and I to leave so she could just live with hubby. We had come to the same realization a few months ago. It is sad he picked up on it also. Still, makes me know that insisting she move is right. I feel like a big witch about it, but I must put my son's needs first. Certainly, he should not be made to feel ubwelcome in his own home.

Camilia- I do understand what you are saying. When I was 29, I hiked the Grand Canyon (awesome). Less than a year later, I could not lift myself out of the bath tub or climb a flight of stairs. I had small children, and struggled to tie my own shoes. Nine years ago I had to have tendons reattached on both hands as I had lost the use of several fingers. Last year, I replaced both knees. I just turned 50, which is pretty young for that. So, I do know how frustrating it is to lose yourself, and to live life in pain. People can mean well and say dumb things. Still, I never saw it as an excuse to be mean to others. Unless there is dementia involved, I have little patience for making other people miserable simply because you are. And I definTely think children of parents who abused them, physically or emotionally, should never feel it is their responsibility to devote their adult years to caring for their abuser when they become elderly. Many on this thread are in that situation. With those kinds of people, you have to set limits or they will drag you down with them.

I had some kind of a crazy week here. My husband caught a cold last Sat. Then on Sun., we discovered we had no hot water. Oh no!! I was scrambling. I was trying hard not to catch whatever it was he had as we weren't sure at first if it was really a flu bug. So, my dishes had piled up. By Mon., morning, I became a pioneer woman. I boiled several big pots of water, and washed many dishes. I think he somewhat had a flu. Then by Wed., I didn't feel too well. The nighttime temperatures dipped quite low for our area. So I felt achy, especially on my back. I was thinking, well I did have to do extra work on account of the water situation. But I was not feeling myself for the next few days. Finally today, I think I'm better, even got out and walked to the bank. My husband is still under the weather.
Anyway, many people have been sick lately, and apparently it seems to linger.
Well everybody, try to get plenty of rest and fluids. Rosemary tea is great; I think it helped me from going off the deep end, while being surrounded by the bug.
Also, I did drink a lot of green tea. O.K., I hope all of you also have a good & healthy weekend. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I think myself, it has really got to be hard, to get old and not be in charge of yourself, anymore. These things can happen, when you are young also.

I remember well, that when I had my two strokes, well meaning people, meant the best for me, by trying to guess at what I meant to say, guess at what was good for me, all I can say, is they were only right 5 percent of the time...
As we know in life everything can change, we just never know when
and we do persevere. All of this too shall pass...

thx cmag - between the flu - which I didn't get as badly as many but which hangs on, and still battling the candida, i just get very tired. Glad your thyroid tests are normal. That hasn't helped me a lot either. Sometimes I think I am just weary of life and would like to float away, and there are times I feel so tired that I think I could. Here we get the jan/feb blues -cabin fever, seasonal affective disorder, or whatever from the winter being so long and the days so short, and the strain of the cold. The days are getting longer, but we still have another month of harsh winter - at least. The snow will not be completely gone till April, and March can be very cold with raw winds, but the temps will not be as bad -so it is a matter of hanging in for another few weeks. A trip to somewhere warm would be really good right now but Gary is too busy. I don't feel emotionally down, but more physically tired -which can get discouraging and could be due to the chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia and/or the candida and/or the flu. Thankfully once in a while I do feel normal - it gives me hope. I haven't caved in and gotten a housecleaning service yet, as housework is a form of exercise, and with just the two of us it is not a great deal of work, and I manage to work at it a bit at a time and keep things reasonable. I spend more time in the kitchen as I enjoy cooking - most of the time.
Well rambling here. Stuffed peppers last night, pot roast and pyrogies tonight, and thinking about dessert :)

emjo, sorry to hear about your flu bug and hope you recover soon. That can really drain a lot of energy. My thyroid tests came back normal, but I'm still down.

Hi all
Sharyn, I guess APS did respond – but a card was hardly useful. I am sure you are nervous about the upcoming appointment. ((((((hugs))))) Life is changing fast for you now. I guess the cold is relative…I am glad your mum is responding well to the antidepressants, and the two of you are getting along. I have thought for years that mother would have benefitted from an antidepressant, but she wouldn’t take one. My daughter has been on and off them, and to me she is much better when she is on them. The norovirus gives wicked stomach flu. I am so glad I didn’t get it. Hope you don’t have many more “incidents” at your mum’s house. You are facing what I have dreaded, but haven’t needed to do -yet anyway.
I am slowly getting better, though I still nap in the day time and a bit of a sore throat. G’s throat is still bad. This bug is going around and you just have to wait it out I guess. I think he needs some serious time off to relax.
Camilla –sounds like your mil had a very bad experience with a nursing home. I am glad it is working having her at home.
Thx envision –it really struck home to me about how many times I have said “yes” to others which meant saying “no” to me. Time for that to change. I have had that fear of making others unhappy. Please do try to say “No” to others more, if it saying “yes” is taking away from you. It is hard to change, but it can be done, and is well worth it. I found as I get older, I had to, in order to survive.
Mywitsend – I really feel for you – I have been in similar positions with mother, and had to be the bad guy to move her on her way. Once I sat down with her and a newspaper every night looking at ads for places she would be able to rent. Finally she got mad, said some nasty things and moved out. This was when I was in my 20s and she was barely 50 and very healthy. She just wanted someone to wait on her. Finally, as I got older, I refused to have her come for a visit. Because the time before she wouldn’t leave until I drove her home (she came up on the bus). It is a 5-6 hour drive and I was still working FT, but I did it, as it was the only way to get rid of her. Then I said that’s it! It was better to do the drive than have her stay and pick me apart. I can so relate to the things you write. Keep on being firm and not catering. Prayers for her to move out and your home to return to normal. BTW Wonderful that your knee replacements are working so well.
Margeaux – sounds like your dad was a real enabler. I hear you about not putting up with the sarcastic comments. I got in trouble for that too. Writing things down does help.
book – wondering how you are – depressed I guess. Can you do something good for you? You got rid of a lot of tears at the dentist! Just post when it is good for you.. It mustn’t become another burden
Cmag – sorry your depression has been strong. Have you had the results from your thyroid tests? Mine came back normal this time thankfully, so I just have to get to my doc for more of the new dose.
I understand about not being able to post much sometimes. I am having a break from mother right now – no emails -and I feel like having a total break from the whole subject sometimes. And that is compounded by this flu bug which drains me.

Alabama – have you heard anything from the courts?
Hollis, Austin, burnedncaringst , joymoon, joannes, gcrow56 , Angie4567, Lovingmom, jhodierne124, BWolff56, and whoever I may have forgotten - so many new people – check in and let us know how you are.
Hoping everyone has a good weekend. Put you first for a change!
♥ hugs and prayers - Joan

Today is another beautiful warm sunny day here. We need rain and the snow pack but I am enjoying these 60 degree days right now.

One more week before we take mom to the neurologist. I am not looking forward to her reaction when she realizes we are at a neurologists office, nor am I looking forward to hearing that she may be incompetent but we have to find out so we can further help her with her daily life.

You never know how things will change in our life from one month to the next. A few months ago, it was all I could do to spend time with my mom. Now she is pleasant to be around and I am enjoying our time together. We laugh together at some of the silly things she says or does, no more accusations for the time being, at least not directed at me. She still has her suspicions regarding my sister. If we only could have got her on an antidepressant sooner it sure could have made things easier 6 months ago, but she would have known it was an antidepressant and refused to take it. Have a good weekend everyone!!

That is very nice that they did that with the gift cards. I would like to get a couple of the books myself because they are not in the local library as of yet. I will be getting a couple in a little while.

I also find that some of the posts make me depressed. There are some very sad stories. On the other hand, it helps so much when someone understands what you are going through. I feel better when I can lend some understanding to someone else in a similar situation. I just need to get through the next few weeks. Last year was one of big changes for me, and MIL situation has been a cloud I need to get rid of so I can enjoy life. I have had rheumatoid arthritis since I was 29. My 30's were unbelievably painful and debilitating. Thanks to new medicines, the pain has been gone for several years, but the damage done made walking very painful. Last year, I replaced both knees, the last one just 7 weeks ago. My last rehab is tomorrow. In 6 weeks, I am doing a 5K with my family. 7 weeks ago, I could not walk around the block. I feel better than I have in over 15 years. I just need the black cloud to move on, and life will be sweet.

Margeaux, thank you again. You are. Ery understanding. My mother was also narcissistic, which is why I have no patience for it. It is also why I feel strongly that we cannot continue to have our son be in this position. Apparently, the second complex called today, and they have a unit that just came available. Hubby is taking her tomorrow to look at it to see if she likes it. I told him there is only one acceptable answer. Since she rejected the last one because the rental agent was too nice, I am skeptical. It's like when she receives a gift. She likes it for about a day. Then she comes up with all sorts of things that are wrong with it. I have never seen her get a gift that she does not eventually reject. Usually angrily ( the giver should have known she doesn't like that kind of waistband or that blue makes her look sickly.....). Ugh. Until she moves, I am going to continue not catering to her. We have been too nice.

Thank you to all of you who answered my question about the Amazon gift.
I want to use it, and don't know for what book yet, but it may even be one of the ones some of my friends here have recommended. Will dock in later, I'm trying to get to the bank. Much Love, Margeaux

Book and Cmag~I know what you mean about either holding back on posts or getting depressed from reading them. I do it too and I get very sad for a few days. I probably am mildly depressed to begin with so when I read certain posts, it will trigger feelings, memories. You have to do what is best for your situation.

Lavender~Ac.com sent gift cards in an email as their Christmas gifts. I was very surprised. You probably were really new at that time so didn't get one, but this year you should. Apparently they give something every year to the caregivers which is very generous and thoughtful of them.

How do you get a gift from Aging care?